Chapter 17: Masochist

noun: masochist; plural noun: masochists

(in general use) a person who enjoys an activity that appears to be painful or tedious.

Anna hadn't been feeling too good after what happened, and neither was I. The situation was just… something I didn't understand. Well, it wasn't something that I should feel good about either. I traced the top of my shot glass with a finger.

I wasn't sure how many drinks I'd taken, but it was getting rather hot tonight.

When she was at home, I told her I was going to go to work-but here I was, drinking. I wasn't sure what I was getting out for lying. But perhaps, I just… didn't want her to see how miserable I was. It wasn't the best way to deal with this, but… I let it happen. I sighed.

Yes, it'd been a few months since they separated, but I couldn't help but worry about Anna's well being. I managed to persuade Anna to come back to LA for a week. Why, I wasn't sure. She'd changed.

Everyone thought she was this naive, innocent, weak girl who always depended on others. That was no longer the case.

She was strong, and every time I looked at her… nothing cried out more than how her eyes screamed dirty. How her eyes screamed of anger… emptiness… lust.

Maybe Elsa did change her.

And I couldn't make the image of Elsa's pleading eyes disappear anymore. That time she asked-begged me to keep her safe… it was my mission to do what I was asked to do. How she put all her trust in me to care for Anna just as we met was beyond me.

For once, I had hope that she wouldn't hate me as much I thought she did.

But, perhaps, she was this desperate. After all, they'd always been best of friends when they were younger. No wonder. As her boyfriend, I knew I had to say something to make her feel better, but… she'd always been avoiding the topic about Elsa. There was no use to it-especially, when I knew they were still keeping in contact.

The music was loud in the club, and I let my gaze wander off to the bartender. He was cleaning some of the cups, having a small conversation with a customer. Gods, I should've just stayed home to be with Anna.

It was odd-knowing that I had been engaged to her… but at the same time, I wasn't sure… who this person was anymore. She'd grown distant, and every time we'd look at each other, she just seemed indifferent with all kinds of things. No, I must've gone crazy to even think that.

But a part of me understood how she felt about me. She couldn't even say three words to me without a slight grimace.

I put my head against my palm, fingers burrowed in my hair. I shut my eyes. I couldn't bear to look at the engagement ring I had put on my finger and hers. I was ashamed. Ashamed of tricking myself to make Anna love me-to even make myself believe that she did. Ashamed that I would let her take advantage of me… and me to her, as well.

My chest hurt to know that I was just a replacement. I was just a comfort-not someone she loved.

But perhaps, I just stooped so low in our friendship… relationship… whatever, that I wanted this to happen. I wanted her to be as close to me as possible, that it didn't matter what we had. What a joke. And it was cruel.

Before my very eyes, my whole world crashed because I truly believed that she would love me. So why didn't I stop it when she kissed me? Why didn't I stop myself? I let all this happen… let Anna say yes when I asked about our marriage for my true selfish desire. Because I wanted her for myself.

I was unbelievable selfish… broken, and I could've made her happy if I didn't say anything.

The happiness she had right now? It was a shell-something to make Elsa and I believe that she was truly in love with me… and I was living this like a dream come true. No. It was a living hell.

I ruined her for the sake of my goddamn desire. I didn't want to stop it. No, I wanted to work with her… to make her happy.

I decided to make a call to Anna. I pressed the phone up against my ear, hearing her breathe softly. "Hans?" I heard.

I couldn't help but smile at the sound of her soft voice. "Hey, baby."

"What are you doing right now? Are you coming back home?"

Why is she acting so… "No, not yet. My colleagues are kind of… partying a bit right now."

"Oh, no wonder I'm hearing music blasting. It's late, Hans, you should probably get home soon."

"Yeah… hey, I never asked how your date went with Elsa." I chuckled. On the inside, I felt like I was suffocating. Dying. "So how did it go?"

"Hans…" She groaned. "It's nothing like that anymore. You, of all people, should know that already."

"I know, I know. I'm joking. But really, it's nice seeing her again right? Aren't you glad I told you to come back?"

"It is… Hans, what's wrong?"

She didn't need to know. "Nothing is wrong. I'm just glad I got some weight lifted off my shoulders."

"You're saying I'm a burden, aren't you?" She laughed. I smiled to myself.

"Yes, you are, but you're my burden. Go sleep, baby. I'll be home in an hour. Love you."

"Good night."

I see how this is.

I downed the shot in one swig. "One more."

The bartender raised an eyebrow. "Sir, you've drunk quite a bit."

"It's fine, I don't get drunk easily."

Slowly, he poured me another shot of vodka. "You seem distressed."

"Do I?" I masked the heartbreak in my eyes with a smile. "I'm sorry, I'm just a bit stressed, that's all." Ah, the understatement of the year.

"Was it that phone call?"

Oh, I wish. "No."

"This one is on the house just for you, sir." I didn't need his pity.

I nodded. "Thank you."

"No problem." He turned to a lady who sat next to me. "Anything for you, Miss?"

"Whiskey."

"Coming right up."

I took another small sip of my vodka, glancing at the woman. She sighed, whispering below her breath, but the music was too loud to hear. Her whiskey came right up, but her eyes were still set on her phone.

I wasn't the type of person to be glancing over someone's privacy, but something just caught my eye. I frowned, and a familiar sight came by. Was she… Was she looking at pictures of Elsa? I didn't say anything, watching as she glided her fingers over her face.

And in the picture, Elsa had a smile. A beautiful, bright smile… and she was kissing the woman. I took a closer look at the brunette. No, I didn't recognize her. "Excuse me?"

She turned, immediately, turning her phone off. I suppose it was only appropriate. "Yes?"

I nodded at her phone. "Are you… Are you her girlfriend?"

All was silent between us, and I knew, by the silence, she had answered my question. Her eyes were wide and bright, but her expression was stoic. Oddly enough, I was calm, and I let her take it all in as much time as she needed. "I know her."

She squinted at me. "And you are…"

I nervously chuckled, letting my eyes fall on my drink. "My name is Hans. I know Elsa… We were um… childhood enemies? Or rather I was forced to be one anyway."

"You know… her?" she questioned immediately. I didn't want to tell her everything from the start. She was quite eager to get some sort of answer though. She had all her attention on me, but I wasn't sure what to say at all.

My fingers entwined together, and I took a deep breath. For a bit, I thought the music had grown louder. "I, um… well, I know what happened."

She scrunched her eyebrows together. "What do you mean?"

"About Anna? Do you know her?"

"Of course." She gazed at me like I had gone crazy. Suddenly, she smiled. "But… I've already broken up with Elsa, what she does with Anna, I don't have any relation with it anymore."

"You mean you were…"

"I was her girlfriend once, yes. Well… two years ago and… a few nights ago." Something told me she didn't want to say any of this.

"I see." I stayed quiet, but perhaps, I couldn't say anything because I had too much in my mind to say anything. And she was waiting for me to start something. I smiled to myself. "It must be weird, isn't it?"

"What is?"

"To meet someone who has connections with the person they truly love. The world is small."

She tilted her head. "Love? Are you…" She glanced down to my finger. The alcohol must've kicked in because I was beginning to say things that I shouldn't say.

"May I ask you why you're here?"

The woman looked away. "I'm actually… I'm leaving."

It wasn't my place to ask where she was going but curiosity got the best of me. "Where?"

"Paris." She smiled. "I'm meeting with someone special." I see. I turned quiet when I realized that someone special wasn't Elsa anymore. I had no right to judge her. "And you? I noticed your ring. Are you with Anna?"

What should I say? I bit my lip, and I took in the last swig of my drink. "Yeah, I am."

"For how long?"

"Not long after they broke up."

"Hm."

There was this silence between us that was… a bit comforting, to say the least. Maybe it was the thought of being with the women that we love who were just… so broken that brought us this feeling. I showed a small smile meekly. I knew, between us… we were experiencing some heartbreak.

Taking a deep breath, I turned to her. "So what about you? If you're not with Elsa, then…"

"I broke with her for a good reason." She tapped a finger against the counter, eyes on her shot glass. "She doesn't love me as much as I thought she did. Right now… I'm just planning on figuring out myself… why I feel this way for her."

"I see."

Everything seemed to connect. And perhaps, I was too much in denial to see how Anna… just didn't love me as much as I thought she did as well. We were all the same. "I've never gotten your name."

"It's Belle."

"Belle…" I whispered to myself. I'd remember that. I chuckled to myself. "Seems like we're both in the same boat." A pause. "So after tonight… you're leaving?"

"Yes." She took a sip of her drink. "But, of course, I want to know more about you. What happened to Anna."

"You want to know?" I raised my eyebrows.

She nodded. "I know… I know a part of me has despised her-and you probably didn't know that-but whenever I'm with Elsa, she just… never seemed like herself with me."

I nodded. "I know how that feels." I could spend time here with her. Of course, it brought me comfort to know that she was someone who would understand me. "She… never really told me what happened-why she was crying that day… why she even broke up with Elsa," I replied.

The look she had was quite conflicting. I wasn't sure what to feel about it. Turning away, she seemed like she was avoiding my eyes. Oh no. I knew it… I knew this whole thing connected. Something was wrong… and something had to do with Belle. It was no wonder why Elsa had gotten a new girlfriend so quickly. Why Belle even knew Anna in the first place.

For a second, I thought my heart was going to burst-that I… would be so fueled with anger. But I had no place here to say anything. I gazed down. "I see. You don't have to tell me… I get it. You were just this desperate to get back someone you love."

"I had my selfish ways…" she whispered, her fingers entwined together. "I was so blinded by the love I had for Elsa… so desperate to get her back because she has always been mine, that I didn't realize how badly she wanted away from me."

I pitied her. "I'm sorry."

Belle shook her head. "You shouldn't be. And neither should I."

I sighed, putting my fingers through my hair. "You know… We're just… We're just really fucked up."

"I've only realized that when I broke up with I found… those rings that weren't for me and her, she doesn't feel the way she felt long ago. How fucked up we were."

I tilted my head. "Rings?"

Her brown eyes darkened, and something about her expression was just too bitter. So sad. Belle turned to me, a hand holding mine. I stared at it. "Whatever you do with Anna… just know, you have to be honest with her."

Have I not? She came close and her arms were around me now. I wasn't sure what she was saying… and perhaps, I just didn't want to believe what she was saying was true. Elsa… planned on marrying her?

No… I refuse to believe it.

"But congratulations on your engagement." She pulled away with a smile, a hand patting my shoulder. I mirrored her expression, regardless of what I thought about Elsa.
She'd always… been someone I've always been jealous of. She always kind, smart… beautiful, and it was something I would never be to impress Anna. How could she do this-make Anna hers in a matter of weeks?

How could she even break her heart in a matter of seconds? Maybe, she just wasn't the person I thought she was anymore.

"Thank you."

a/n: hell yeah