Chapter 18: Perfume Regret

We were too young for this shit. But perhaps, this was what we should've been… young, and blinded from our surroundings. Blinded by ourselves. And that because we were so 'in love'. We couldn't separate ourselves from each other-well, neither could we stop playing the push and pull game. It was that kind of love.

We were quite… known in college.

Lecture had ended early that afternoon, and while, Olaf was still in class… Belle came out with me. I wasn't sure why they had both followed me to study business in the University of California. They were smart enough for ivy leagues-even more than me… and they could have certainly gone anywhere. They never needed to depend on me. I was the opposite. Though, I had learned that perhaps, I was independent.

Those two never wanted me alone.

I stayed in my seat while students were pouring out of the room in a hurry. I took my time, collecting my belongings. Through the corner of my eyes, I noticed Belle striding up to me. I didn't bother to greet her-we'd been together for so long, we were just so used to each other now.

She kissed my forehead. "Ready?" Her arms were occupied with her laptop.

I raised my eyebrows, glancing up and down at her. She seemed quite cheerful today. I responded with a soft smile. "Are you?"

She rolled her eyes, as I got up. "More than you'll ever be. You should know that already."

I chuckled and kissed her lips softly. She hummed gratefully. "Well, should people be jealous that I am dating the captain?"

"Mm…" She leaned in for another kiss. "People should be jealous that I am dating such a gorgeous…" Kiss. "... wealthy, American woman who is famous for everything that she does."

"I'm sorry, why are you talking about yourself?"

"Do I look American to you?" She laughed, nudging me when I opened the door.

The weather was nice and warm, the breeze feeling quite soothing to my skin when we got out of the building. For a while, I basked into the scent of summer just around the corner, finding her warm fingers getting into mine. I gazed down at her as we walked through the campus.

"Where should we go?"

She hummed. "I was thinking… the library. I want to rent a textbook out. Finals is coming up, by the way."

"I could always buy one for you."

Belle clicked her tongue. "Snowflake, as much as I love it when you spoil me, I can also be independent." She tugged my hand, and a dark glow of her eyes was molesting all of me. I felt a shiver run down my spine. Though, I did not falter. I could be as dominant as I wanted when I chose to. Many times, I just liked the thrill of her in control. Other times, I let her control me because that was what I deserved."Though… I do wonder how long you can be independent without me around." Chills washing through me in waves.

She kept me sane. Sane from the past… sane from my dreams.

The physical hurt she'd given me, comforted me mostly.

I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand. I never liked the way she looked at me like this. It was so… cold, and Belle was never that cold of a person. Ah, but it was just so… exhilarating. I licked my lips, tilting my head. "Well, why would you think that?"

I knew it was the wrong question to ask. She didn't answer it, chuckling as she continued to walk.

"Come on, let's get my book. Then we can go home."

I glanced around the campus. There were other people glancing over us. Evading us. I was surprised Belle didn't mind at all.

The university was big. Throughout all three years of being here, I was too tired to see the stares that people would make when they saw us. Never was I happy about the attention. Every stare… every little whisper made my skin crawl. No, it wasn't the look of disgust or hatred. It was more… of amusement. Curiousity.

Many thought we were a 'cute' couple. Others thought we were something else that was not worth mentioning. Nobody ever tried to mess with us. We were something… different together.

When she finally managed to get her book, we went back to Belle's rented apartment. It was nothing fancy, but it was cozy enough for me to stay for a week or so. Besides, it almost seemed as if I was living with her.

My home just seemed… a bit too much for me, just recently. Jack had always been the support of the family, and now that he was on tour, I had to be. Father wanted me to start working in Snow Enterprise immediately after the end of this year-I did not have the courage to. After all… it wasn't something I wanted to deal with.

Grandfather had given me such a big responsibility, that I was expected to be perfect. I was expected to be the very best… and at the same time, hide myself in the shadows. Thinking about it had exhausted me. So most of the times, I wouldn't. I was scared of what I was capable of.

I stared at Belle, a hand coming to my shoulder as she cooked us lunch.

Music was playing in the background, and I could just watch her hip sway to the beat-an oversized t-shirt just covering her body. Just a few minutes ago, she had to change clothes to something so… bare.

I licked my lips. Control. Belle had always been… desirable, even if she wasn't trying. I had to control my urges to take her then and there. Oh, but I couldn't, with my muscles aching on my shoulder anyway. But neither did I want to tell her to massage it for me-it was shameful. It's sickening.

Belle said it was okay, but I could always feel a little part of me breaking at the thought of being so useless. I squeezed my shoulder, shutting my eyes in hopelessness. Sometimes… I wanted to think that she was just lying to me.

"Elsa?"

I blinked, seeing her face me. "Yes?"

She arched an eyebrow, standing across from me, the counter between us. "I've been calling you for the past thirty seconds."

I looked away, immediately taking my hand off my shoulder. She didn't need to tend to me like a servant. "I'm sorry," I whispered. Her fingers ran through my hair gently.

"What's wrong?" Ah, her voice was always so soothing. Too much that it would make me tell everything that I had in mind. But I wouldn't. "Why are you holding your shoulder like that?"

"Are you finished cooking?"

Belle glared into my eyes. "Don't ignore my question." She held my chin, turning my eyes to hers. "Look at me." I looked at her, blue eyes cold against her warmth. Her control left me to submit to her… leaving me useless in her arms. But if it was for her, I wouldn't mind. "Does it hurt? Aching?" She reached for my shoulder.

What could I ever tell her? Olaf would never ask me anything this-but that was because he knew how badly I would feel. Belle never cared for it-she'd always made us so open and raw to each other in this relationship.

Though, I wouldn't be quite sure if I wanted all this… raw and openness. And perhaps, that was why we would always push and pull each other like dogs.

"No." I grabbed her wrist, nodding behind her. "The food will burn."

She didn't falter, and I thought, I heard a slight growl from her. Was she this upset about my avoidance? I couldn't help it. I avoided looking into her eyes.

"I know you worry, Belle."

"This is why you get all these nightmares, Elsa Snow." I'm just too stubborn.

In the corner of my eyes, I noticed how badly she wanted me to look at her. How badly she wanted to cling to my love for her. But was this not enough? We'd been together for almost four years-how strong did she want my love to be?

I sighed. "Come here."

Belle slowly strode towards me, her hand sliding around the counter. "Why is it so hard for you to open up to me?"

"It's complicated." I wrapped my arms around her waist. "I've always… I've always been strong, I don't want to be seen as weak."

She shook her head, her fingers wrapped around my wrists. "You've changed so much… I've never once thought of you as weak…" But perhaps, you should. "You're not strong either, Elsa. It's really not as complicated as you make it."

I pushed her chocolate colored hair behind her ear, my eyes searching into her dark orbs. I could almost see my reflection in her glow. Gods, her scent… I took a deep breath, letting my fingers run down the middle of her back.

As always, she did not seem to care. She grabbed my wrist, tighter this time. "Talk to me. Please."

What is there to say?

"I've told you many times, Belle."

"And I'm willing to hear it as many times as I want until I am convinced that you are strong."

Her words were bold, and nothing like mine. I wish I could be her, then perhaps, everything that I had done could be forgotten easily. I could live freely. And perhaps, I wouldn't think everything that had happen would be my fault.

Unable to look at her anymore I let her body go. "I… I don't want to be a burden to you, Belle."

She chuckled bitterly, "Why… I would never think that."

"How many times have you looked at me with such pitiful eyes?"

"What?"

There it is. Blue eyes glowed as if to enter the deepest part of the ocean of guilt. I tilted my head with curiosity, in wait for an answer. "Everything that we do… that you do to me," I breathed. "It's all out of pity."

But I didn't not expect an answer. She knew I was right. I dropped my head down, with a heavy sigh. "And everything that I have done, I've done to hurt." A pause. I could almost hear my heart shatter. "I don't want to hurt you." Not again. Not like her.

Again, she shook her head. "You haven't. And if you did… I would've left sooner. And if I have been hurting, I'm hurting for you, Elsa. Snowflake, please-"

I grabbed her reaching wrist. "Don't."

Silence. Where was I going with this? She stared at me, her eyes widened and glistening in tears. Why was she crying? I didn't mean any of this… didn't mean to make her feel this way. But perhaps, that's how it should've been in the first place.

I loosened my grip on her, letting her palm cup my cheek. "Elsa…"

I was ashamed to make her feel so burdened. She'd always been with me-held my hand when I needed, and I could only repay her with this? Perhaps, I never was one to have control. Sighing, I turned to kiss her palm. My words whisper to her, "I'm sorry."

"You don't need to be sorry, Elsa. Just…" I let her climb onto my lap, my hands on her waist. I tilted my head, her fingers on my chin. Tears rained down her cheeks as if every little regret that she had with me had finally been let go.

Her arms were wrapped around my neck, and I could feel her breath against me. She leaned her head against my shoulder, her sigh breathing out against my skin.

"Just… tell me, what could I ever do to you to make sure you forget about her?" she breathed, and I could feel myself chained to her again… and I was unable to regain the freedom that I desired. Her love… her words… and all that she was, had been given to me, and I to her.

I leaned in to kiss her hair, letting my fingers trail up her slender back. "I won't forget."

"But she has."

"Anna is all that I have." Belle flinched, but when I expected a retort, she didn't say anything. We sat like this in silence, basking ourselves in our presence. I found this comforting… her scent and the sound of her breathing little hums to me as my fingers travel up and down the small of her back. What are you doing to me?

She knew what Anna was to me… yet, I always tended to make remind her, knowing she had never liked the person she never met-never even knew existed.

I kissed her ear, closing my eyes against her. "Say something…"

"What else can I say?" she questioned, and I could feel her fingers burrowed into my hair. Pulling away, she looked into my eyes. For a moment, I felt as if she'd given up on everything just for me. Oh, did she need to be this desperate to grasp onto me?

I shouldn't have a say on what was desperate or not. I had never spent a day without Belle-cuffed to her like a prisoner… and never once had I ever thought of letting her go.

For once, I questioned the love that I had for her. I pulled her closer to her forcefully, finding her holding a gasp. I let my arms hold onto her tightly, fingers coming up to grip onto her brown hair. She moaned against me, eyes falling close at the sensation.

My lips pressed against her neck. I growled into her, "Don't fucking play with me. Tell me how you really feel…" I paused. "I know you."

She laughed, her head tilted up. "Snowflake, you… are insatiable." We must've been insane. Even I wasn't sure if I was joking. "I don't know what I'm really feeling. Maybe…"

I gazed up to see her staring blankly at the ceiling.

"No, I know for a fact… she's hurt you. How could you live with just the thought of her? She ruined you." She glared at me. There we go. "I've only known you for three years, and I always wonder… without me, what kind of person you were before. What made you become so…" Cold? "Like this."

She knows too much about me. Could I really be this broken? I let Anna control me… let her haunt me in my memories as if to take it away. Oh, how ironic. But perhaps… I just felt sorry for her.

I couldn't tell Belle that she was right because I let it happen. I gazed away. "Why tell me this now?"

"You need to be reminded so she can't control you." I don't. "So now it's your turn to tell me how you really feel."

Insane. Sane. Regret. Joy. What did I really feel?

I had always… felt the need to hate Anna-never once thought of her as a person that I wanted to be friends with after that day. But perhaps… I just wished Anna would give me the happiness she'd given me before. That maybe through these dreams… we would both be happy.

Oh, but I could only wish. I let her stare linger, and I was hesitant to say I was happy. After these confusion, a woman like me wouldn't know what happiness was like anymore.

"I don't know." I loosened my grip on her.

She kissed my cheek, immediately getting off me. "That's okay." It didn't sound okay, and I let my eyes wander to her as she moved to the stove and turned it off. She sighed, her head down, hands holding the counter. "Right now… I'm just questioning why we're even-"

"Don't continue that sentence." My fingers twitched, and I knew the rest of what she was going to say. Whatever that we had… I didn't want to let go. We had always been too good to each other. I walked up to her, arms wrapping around her waist, my lips to her ear. "Look at me… just only look at me."

She held my wrist, her eyes down to my hands. "How am I supposed to look only at you when you aren't looking at me?"

How?

"Mama?"

I blinked, loosening my crossed arms to my sides. "What's wrong?"

"Mama, did you hear what I just said?" Christian pouted, his big teal eyes glistening brightly.

I'd just picked him up from his lessons and we were now at home for the evening. Anna had been home for a while, readying dinner for us, while I led Christian in here. I could smell it from my office, and it was just wonderful. I gazed at my watch. Already 8PM. How long had we been in my office? Or rather… how long had I been in my own little world?

I ran my fingers through his hair, and let him climb onto my seat. I smiled. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. Would you like to repeat that one more time for me?"

He tilted his head in curiosity. "Is Mama tired?"

Ah, five years old, and he was already getting smarter. I pressed a kiss on his forehead.

Things… had changed so much-and too fast, but I wasn't complaining. Still, I never seemed to change. A part of me didn't understand why I still wasn't letting go of Belle-of the past. Anna had always been lenient and too kind when it came to me thinking about Belle.

I'd always… been honest. Always told Anna what I was thinking, and she would listen. But did I deserve this? It'd been so long since Belle and I had last seen each other, I shouldn't be thinking about someone that wasn't mine when I had a wife and a son.

We had talked over the phone many times. I knew, Belle had yet to marry even though she'd been with Adam for so long. I didn't want to encourage her to marry-but I was desperate to know if she had really gotten over me. I didn't want her to know I was desperate.

For a while, I'd realize… I'd always been the source of toxicity to her. Whatever I did, she'd follow like a servant. Without me, she could've had it all. And I… clung onto her because I was nothing. She had given me meaning.

It'd been five years, and just looking at my little boy, I knew how far Anna and I had gone.

Christian was in first grade now. While he struggled to understand math and other subjects, he'd grown into music. Many days of the week, I let him try and play an instrument that he liked. Many times, he would get bored-but I had yet to give him a violin.

That was the last thing I wanted to do. I didn't want him to be like me-didn't want… to see myself in him.

When he discovered mine, he started asking questions that I wouldn't dare to answer. I tried my best, but being the best to him, never meant a damn thing.

"Mama, that looks pretty, can I have it?"

"When the time comes."

"Do you play it, Mama? Or does Mommy?"

"I do, honey."

"Are you good at it? I want to hear you play!"

Silence.

Those weren't all.

I struggled to get him to play everything but that. Anna… made me give in, and give him a chance after so many failed attempts. At this point, I'd wonder if I failed to be the perfect mother to him. I allowed him to play the string instrument, because he 'always wanted to be like Mama'. To be so high up in the sky. To be ever so gentle. To be smarter than anyone else.

But never once did I know how amazing he was when he learned everything that he needed to learn. I never had to pay for lessons that he needed to take-I had always taught him everything, occasionally, having Jack to come over and teach as well. I had the be honest-I never believed he would truly be successful with the violin. Though, never had I once belittled my son for his worth-because I had always saw myself in him. To me… this was never a good thing. I never wanted him to be me.

As a child, Christian was quite… stubborn and competitive. Just like her mother-but perhaps, that was because he spent more time with her than he did with me.

While teaching him, I signed him up for competitions that he seemed too excited for. Never once broke a sweat, worrying. To him, everything was all about fun.

Though, I should've been nervous for him, but he always seemed optimistic. Anna was always the nervous one-at the same time, cheering for him. I stood by and watch closely. Through all the blood, tears, and sweat… I was his emotional support. But never once had I worry that he would do bad.

Though I never let him take my violin, I'd gotten him a new one for his size, and another that when he was grown, he would use that. Perhaps I was only kidding myself. I'd always tell Anna that he would use mine, but… was I scared? That I was this terrified that he would turn into someone like myself? Perhaps… I feared that I would be like Pabbie. I feared I would lose him, the way I lost my grandfather.

I doubted that. Blinking, I rubbed my palm against his small frame in the back. "No, I was… I was just thinking."

"About what?" Ah, what a curious little fellow.

"Mommy, that is all."

He giggled. "Should I call her for you? Do you miss her?"

"Yes, but she's cooking in the kitchen, let's not bother her. What did you want to say to me?"

Christian gasped and slowly climbed off my lap, standing straighter than an arrow. I looked at him up and down. What did he want to show me again?

"Mama, can you see? The medal that I have! I was first place in the competition today!" He held it up from under his shirt. My heart swelled at the gold medal glowing before me. I wasn't sure how big I was smiling, but I let my happiness take control over me.
"Gods, you are…" Getting up, I picked Christian up into my arms. "You are just amazing." I kissed his forehead again and again.

I could listen to him giggle all day. "I showed Mommy before, and told me to keep it a secret until today's lesson."

Lesson? I'd nearly forgotten I had to make him rehearse. Well, today was a nice day. I shook my head. "I'll let you off today, would you like that?"

Christian gasped, as I put him down. "Really?!"

"Yes, if you want, you may go play with your video games before dinner is ready." I smoothed his golden hair down. "Congratulations on getting first place, honey."

He brought his fists up to his chest. "Can I get a reward?! Pleaseee?"

How could I say no with that face? I never was one to overly reward him but… perhaps, this would be an exception. "Well, I could get you that game you've wanted for a while now, does that sound good?"

He nodded frantically.

"But I do not want you to play for more than an hour. Understood?"

Again, silently, he nodded with a big smile on his face. "Thanks, Mama."

I noticed Anna by the doorway in the corner of my eyes, her arms wrapped around her own middle. She worn an apron over her white shirt and blue jeans. "Dinner will be ready in a few minutes. Go wash your hands, Christ."

Smirking, I sat back down and began to tidy my papers up on my desk.

"But I wanna play! Mama said I could..."

Anna crossed her arms together, her eyes on me. I did nothing to avoid it, winking at my wife. She rolled her eyes. "You can play after dinner. Now go, before I start thinking twice about letting you play."

"But-"

"No. Do you want to read all day?"

I raised my eyebrows, gazing at the two. Quite harsh. But that was none of my business. Slowly, Christian went out of my office, with a pout forming across his face. It was just the two of us. "Did you have to say that?" I questioned, glancing at Anna as she entered the room, closing the door behind her. "Don't roll your eyes at me again."

"What was I supposed to do?"

"I let him off to play because he won first place. You saw it too."

Anna sighed. "Yeah, I know. But you can't just spoil him like you do with me."

She'd always been… strong with Christian but when it came to us… she was nothing of that sort. Anna strode up to me, only to sit on my lap with I gestured to her.

I wrapped my arms around her waist, tilting my head as she kissed me once. Twice. And deeper. She moaned at the feeling of my fingertips riding up her back. "Sorry…" she mumbled, and I could see her face flush. Her eyes had grown dark… but I was not going to let anything else happen any further than it needed to be.

"Hm…" I hummed, running a knuckle on her cheek. "Did you have bad day?"

She shook her head.

"You sounded quite angry before. That surprised me for a bit."

"I… it's nothing. Don't worry about it. You loved it."

"Oh, I do. But I won't worry." I smirked. "It was... amusing. What does Kristoff call you again? Feisty pants?"

I couldn't ever get used to the way she laughed."Dinner is ready, we should get out before Christian says anything."

My heart began to fall to my stomach, and suddenly the thoughts that were put aside, came back to me. I was happy like this-with her… but with the thought of Belle still beside me, how could I ever be happy? I sighed, eyes falling down to my lap.

I wanted to be honest. I wanted to tell her what I'd been thinking today. But why was I feeling so uncertain? Did I think she would break the marriage if I were to be honest with her?

She noticed how I was reacting. "Hey… are you okay?"

I swallowed. She picked my head up. "Elsa? Snowflake?" My skin crawled.

"Today I was… thinking."

"Thinking?" She tensed up. "A-About what?"

"Belle." She stayed silent, and I looked at her to see if her expression had changed. It didn't. Perhaps, she just wanted to listen. She would always listen.

"What about Belle?" she asked, her voice way too soft for my liking. Perhaps, I was just too paranoid.

I shook my head. "I just… thought about our past conversations." The happy times. "I've… never been very honest with her."

Anna sighed. "You didn't know at that time, but… you didn't love her like you do with me, you know?"

"I know." I leaned my head against her shoulder. "I never wanted to treat her so… so…"

"It's all in the past, Elsa. You've moved on… haven't you?" She picked my head up, her hands to my cheeks. Something in her eyes glistened, and I could see the pity she had for me. I didn't any-I just wanted her to listen. I sighed, taking her wrist in my hand. "Haven't you?"

"Yes. Though… I just regret how how we ended things."

"And you think Belle doesn't?" I blinked. What was she saying? She had a determined expression on right now-something so bold and strong, I didn't know she could ever make that face to me.

I felt my body tense with each fixed gaze. "I…" She breathed out. "I don't have the right to say this, but… even I know Belle didn't want to end the relationship like before."

I nearly cringed at the thought of the days when we were broken apart. Oh, we were so broken… so hurt… we didn't know what to do with ourselves. Still, I felt sorry for what I had done to Anna-to Belle.

"We're all on the same boat, Elsa. We did everything and anything to hurt each other… to get back at each other because we loved each other too much. Let's just… move on, okay?"

"What am I ever going to do without you?"

She only smiled, and nothing looked more comforting than to see her like this. She believed in me… and all that I was. I tilted my head curiously, eyes wandering to her stretched lips. I wanted to give her everything in return-everything that she desired. I wanted her to be happy. "I've always…" I pulled her closer to me, pressing my finger against her bottom lip. She held my hand, kissing my skin… what is she doing to me? I gazed at her silently, watching everything that she did to me.

Her fingers grasping me… her eyes darkening with every single breath touching my skin… her lips kissing my palm. I held still, letting her do whatever she wanted… whatever she desired. But I was in control.

"I've always wanted to give everything to you… always wanted to make you feel worthy of being mine."

She giggled. "I am, aren't I? Yours?"

I leaned in to kiss my lips, and I could feel her getting comfortable on me, her arms slowly coming to wrap around my neck. This can't be long, as much as I want it to.

I smiled against her before pulling away, but not after with another small peck on her lips.

"What have you cooked today?" I let our fingers entwine each other.

She hummed. "Well, you should come out and see. It's your favorite."

"Mm… I'm sure." I let her get off of me, watching her stride to the door. I couldn't take my eyes off of how her hips swayed from side to side, her hair flowing freely. I licked my lips. Tonight is going to be another one of those nights again.

She turned back to me. "You know I love you."

Gazing down, I couldn't help but grin at her words. "I do."

A/n: Belle be like, do re mi so fuckin done with you, girl~