Chapter 7
"So, you and Rose aren't friends at the moment," James stated as we made our way back up to the castle. It was a few hours after the game and we had spent the afternoon writing post-match notes. We talked more freely than we had in weeks, a huge pressure felt like it had been lifted off my shoulders and I just allowed myself to enjoy James' company and not worry about anything.
"Not really," I replied, biting my lip worryingly. He nodded but didn't respond as we walked up the path. "She can be difficult," I added after a moment.
"You're telling me," James scoffed. "I love her because she's my family but honestly I don't know how Al puts up with her so much,"
"They are basically the same person," I said with a fond smile as I thought about my two friends.
"I know," James smiled, "it's quite hilarious seeing them argue with each other. It's like them arguing in the mirror."
"Rose always wins though," I added. James nodded, his face falling slightly.
"That's why I'm so worried about her finding out," He frowned.
"Do you think I should talk to her about it? Maybe if I open up to her it might soften her up a bit, if I gave her an explanation," I offered.
"What exactly would you explain?" James asked his face screwed up in confusion. He was right. How would I even start to explain this to Rose when we couldn't even wrap our own heads around it?
"I have no idea," I sighed. James laughed, in spite of himself and wrapped an arm around my shoulder.
"I'm glad we are talking again Han," He said softly looking down at me with such sincerity it made my heart burst. In all the confusion and frustration I had been feeling over the past month, it all made sense when I looked at James. At that moment it felt like my mind was clearing like I could breathe, and all I could see was him looking at me with as much adoration as he was. In spite of myself, I felt a blush spreading across my face as my heart beat loudly in my chest.
"I've missed making you blush," James chuckled, moving his arm from around me and leading the way up the steps. As I watched him walk ahead of me I couldn't help but fall for him more and more. Despite every fibre of my being that was going against it, despite my head screaming at me to turn around and never look back, to bury the feelings, to ignore my heart; I just couldn't help it.
We made our way to the common room in a comfortable silence, both of us keeping a respectable distance from each other. As we stepped through the portrait hole people cheered and whooped and I was swept up with the crowds of people all celebrating winning the first game. I smiled as people congratulated me and handed me a drink, turning around to see where James had gone. He was leaning up against the wall, supporting a bottle of butterbeer and watching me fondly, a smile plastered across his face. I allowed myself to look at him a moment longer, returning his beaming smile as a very drunk Al came out of nowhere and threw himself on me, kissing me sloppily on the check.
"Al that's bloody disgusting," I grimaced wiping it away. He smiled broadly at me and pulled me onto the makeshift dance floor.
"Be thankful it wasn't on the mouth," Kate said appearing out of nowhere. I chuckled and saw Al's face fall a little before his grin came back.
"She loves my kisses really," He said making gross kissing noises towards her; she rolled her eyes and laughed giving me a hug.
"Well done today," She congratulated me happily.
"Look, my two favourite girls getting on," Al said fondly watching the two of us in awe. "I love you guys, you are so awesome." He said wrapping his arms around the two of us. I saw Kate's expression fall a little bit before she composed herself again.
"You need to go to bed," She said sternly. Al frowned like a child crossing his arms.
"But I want to stay with Hannah, she's the best." He said putting an arm around me.
"Hannah's also going," A voice said to the left of us. I turned and saw a very cross looking Rose staring at me, grabbing my elbow. "I need a word," She said, pulling me to the girl's staircase. I reluctantly followed her, pushing my way through the crowds of people.
"You will tell me everything now," She said sternly as soon as the door shut behind us. I stared at her in confusion for a moment before I understood what she was getting at. I decided to play dumb.
"Tell you what?" I asked.
"Don't do that Hannah," She growled, "You and James, don't act stupid. I want the truth." I hoped my face wasn't giving anything away as I lied through my teeth.
"I don't know what you are insinuating Rose, but James and I are friends that's it," I replied firmly. She was quiet for a moment staring at me.
"You're lying," She said confidently. "I know you. I watched the two of you walk in together smiling and laughing and I saw the way he was looking at you. The same way Scorpius looks at me." She said harshly, her eyes pleading with me to tell her the truth. "I mean for Merlin's sake Hannah he has a bloody girlfriend,"
"Rose," I started, trying to ease the panic that was building inside of me. I wondered whether it would be easier to tell her the truth, knowing the damage it could cause. "James stayed later than the rest of the team because he was upset about how he played during the match. We had a chat and then he helped me with the match reports and player notes." I said honestly. She just stared at me.
"I can't be friends with you anymore," She said simply. I gapped at her feeling my heart falter slightly.
"Why?" I chocked. She looked away for a moment, her sternness falling for a second.
"Because you are choosing to lie to me to save yourself, you are choosing James over Al, James over me." She said quietly. "You aren't the same as you used to be. You are hiding things and I can't stand it any longer. Come and speak to me when you want to tell me the truth but in the meantime, leave me alone," She said finally walking out of the room and slamming the door behind her.
The pain that I had felt over James Potter the past few weeks was nothing compared to how I felt when Rose slammed the door behind her. I sank to my bed and felt tears pool in my eyes; I willed them back stubbornly knowing full well I didn't deserve to be upset about this. Rose knew me better than anyone else; she was my best friend, my first friend in the wizarding world. She took pity on the tall first year that stood in the corridor on the Hogwarts express not knowing at all where to go or what to do, suddenly overwhelmed with everything that was going on around her. She wrapped an arm around my shoulder and led me into a carriage with her and Al talking to me about anything and everything, not leaving my side until she knew I was happy. She had looked out for me from the beginning and she was now more of a sister than a friend; a sister I had just betrayed.
Yes, we had drifted apart over the past few months but up until now, I was reluctant to see my own part in that drift. I was lying to my friends daily about what was happening to me, keeping secrets from them and now completely lying to Rose's face when she asked me point blank for the truth. The worst thing about it was that she knew I was lying. I had caused the rift in our relationship and I had all but killed it completely. In six years of knowing Rose we had never fallen out and now here we were, Rose telling me that she didn't want to be my friend anymore; not that I blamed her.
Not being friends with Rose would now add strain to mine and Scorpius' relationship as well. Although we had never been as close as we were with the other two he had been a constant in my life and someone I would trust with anything. After I told him about James, our relationship had never been as it was, this was going to hurt it even more and I wasn't so sure we could recover from that. And then there was Al. In time he would inevitably have to choose between me and Rose and at the end of the day, Rose was his family and I was well nothing. I hadn't even told him anything and I was going to lose him.
I sighed and wiped the tears that had escaped, curling up on my bed and drawing my curtains around me not feeling in the mood to go back to the party. The game felt like ages ago now and the fleeting moment of happiness I had felt when we had won had all but disappeared. This was nothing more than I deserved for being as deceitful as I was, lying to everyone I loved, being so incredibly selfish. I had lost my best friend because of the mess I had gotten myself into. At some point, I feel asleep the image of James looking down at me swimming behind my eyes making my heart break just a little more than it already had.
October passed in the blink of an eye. The weather grew drearier and cold as the weeks drew on matching my mood perfectly. The past few weeks at Hogwarts had been my loneliest yet. Just as I had envisaged, Rose made sure that my interaction with Scorpius' was non-existent and I had had about enough of him sending me pitiful looks across the classroom. Rose avoided me like the plaque, she moved seats in all of our lessons together and I barely saw her in the common room. Not that I had expected any different, I had hurt Rose and she was as stubborn as they come, I knew that this wasn't going to blow over easily.
I barely saw Al very much nowadays as well, Kate, for whatever reason, was keeping him on a tight leash making sure that we were never alone together or making excuses for them to be elsewhere. I tried and failed on multiple occasions to talk to Al about Rose but Kate would always change the subject or never leave us alone to have a private discussion. Danny had been keeping me company, however, he had his own friends as well and I always felt as though I was encroaching anytime I was with them. Most days I kept myself to myself, trying not to think about how lonely and withdrawn I was becoming, instead throwing myself into my work and my captaincy.
The end of October saw my 17th birthday. Mum had always said that she wasn't surprised I was a witch considering I was born on Halloween; she always claimed that there was something magical about the night I was born. On the morning of my birthday, I was woken by the slamming of the door as one of my dorm mates left for the morning. Although it was Halloween, we still had normal classes but everyone was looking forward to the big feast that evening. Every year my friends had rallied around to make sure I had a fantastic birthday, showering me with gifts and love from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep. As I stretched and sat up in bed I realised for the first time since being at Hogwarts, this birthday wasn't going to be like the rest. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and noticed Rose sitting in her chair already in her uniform, looking at me sadly. A part of me thought she was going to say something but as we both looked at each other in silence I knew it wasn't going to happen. I sighed and stood up to go to the bathroom.
"Hannah," She called after me. I stopped walking and turned around, waiting for her to say something. She looked awkward and nervous not meeting my eyes. "Happy Birthday," She said offering me a small smile. She walked over to me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. I didn't move, surprised at the interaction. She looked at me again before sighing and leaving the room allowing me to get ready alone.
My mum, stepdad and brother had sent me some money and a card ready for me to open in the morning. I tore open the envelope and opened the card feeling incredibly homesick. My mum had written me a heartfelt message and had enclosed a picture of the three of them smiling happily with a birthday cake and some muggle money. I laughed to myself as I saw the three of them grinning up at me. We were such a close family it had been hard in first year to be away from them. I hoped that my younger brother, who was two years younger, would also by a wizard and would join me at Hogwarts and I would fill his head of stories about the place and the magic. But no letter came and I was sent off to Hogwarts in my third year alone, once again. My brother never resented me for my abilities inside looking forward to the day I could freak his friends out with some 'cool tricks.'
My parents had always been supportive of me going to Hogwarts. Getting excited when I would tell them about how well I was doing even though I knew they didn't fully understand. They tried the best they could but to them, I was their daughter regardless of whether I was a witch or not, they just wanted me to be happy. As I looked at my mum's face I felt myself welling up, was I happy at the moment? What would they say if they knew everything that was going on? More than anything in the world I wanted my mum to wrap her arms around me and tell me it was going to be okay.
I sorted myself out and placed the photo in my pin board next to pictures of my friends and my teammates. I looked closely at a photo of me, Al and Rose. The three of us laughing madly as Al jumped in between the two of us wrapping his arms around our shoulders making us fall out of frame as a result. I missed everything about that picture, the ease we had around each other, the joy and love we shared. I moved my gaze to the picture underneath, me and Scorpius, smiling broadly in our Quidditch robes not long after we had beaten them in a match. I had my arms wrapped around his middle and was squeezing him tightly as he sent a smouldering look to the camera, cracking up when I tried to copy him. I missed them so much, what was it all for, risking these friendships. Then my eyes moved to one of me and the Quidditch team from last year.
I was standing in-between a stunning Dom Weasley, who was talking to Fred making him laugh madly, and James Potter. He had leant down to say something to me making my smile even broader and a blush creep across my face. I watched him chuckle and straighten up a bit, throwing an arm around my shoulder and look straight to the camera. This photo was taken before everything had happened and even watching us both I could see how infatuated I was with the older Potter even then. I moved my hand to touch the photo James and knew that this was what I was risking it all for; the smile, the charm, the boy who had my heart completely.
I pulled myself together and sighed deeply, it was only half an hour until first lesson and I was hoping that some people would be looking forward to seeing me this morning. I placed my family's card on the dresser and picked up my bag. I made my way to breakfast alone and hoped my friends would be happy to see me when I arrived. Before I was even over the threshold of the great hall, Al had picked me up and spun me around.
"Happy Birthday, you old git," He laughed placing me down and throwing an arm around my shoulder. I couldn't help but smile as he led me to where Scorpius, Rose and most of the team were sitting adorned with balloons and banners. I suddenly felt happier than I had in weeks although I couldn't help the sinking feeling when I noticed James was nowhere to be seen.
"Happy Birthday," Scorpius said, standing up and giving me a gentle hug. I smiled at the Slytherin, who looked somewhat bashful as he made his way back to a stern looking Rose. I ignored her as I moved to sit next to Danny, who handed me a present.
"New beater gloves," I said grinning madly, "These are the ones I wanted as well, Thank you," I said throwing my arms around him.
"Happy Birthday," He smiled. Before long the rest of the collective handed me more presents. The team had chipped in together to buy me a new Quidditch model in Gryffindor colours, all the models in true likeness of their counterparts. Al had bought me a new Gryffindor scarf and notepad along with a collection of chocolates that would last me until Christmas. Scorpius had painted me a lovely picture of the four of us sitting by our favourite tree by the lake; it reminded me of the times before all this mess. Rose glanced at the picture and then to Scorpius who wouldn't meet her eye before standing up and storming off out of the hall, Scorpius thankfully didn't follow.
The rest of the day was fairly uneventful. My lessons passed by with relative peace and I had Runes last lesson of the day. I hadn't seen James all day and was almost nervous about seeing him. As I walked into the room I noticed his empty chair opposite me straight away, I felt my heart drop instantly. I knew now that he had been avoiding me, no one had even mentioned his name and this was the last confirmation I needed to know that he was actively avoiding me on my birthday. We had been keeping our distance over the past few weeks following my fall out with Rose, but he knew it was my birthday. I don't know what I was expecting from him but it defiantly wasn't this.
The rest of the lesson was a blur and it was the first time since I can remember that I hadn't enjoyed Runes. I blindly made my way to the Halloween feast that evening, taking my place with Al, Fred, Kate, Danny and Rose. I glanced briefly up and down the table scanning everyone to see if I could see him anywhere. Out the corner of my eyes, I saw Rose staring at me; I could feel her accusatory stare boring into the side of my head. I made eye contact with her and felt my cheeks go red instantly. I was making things to obvious, we had made some inroads today and I was all but jeopardising that by wearing my heart on my sleeve. Al brought me back into the conversation meaning I could avoid Rose's stare.
James didn't turn up at all that evening. After Rose caught me looking for him I knew it was risky asking after him and just hoped someone else would. The feast was wonderful and I tried my best to enjoy my friend's company but I couldn't help being upset about James not seeing me today. As we made our way back to the common room there was some talk of a party but any ideas of that were cut short when Professor Longbottom turned up in our common room demanding that we were to all go to bed that moment.
Rose and I went to bed in silence letting the voices of our roommates fill the awkwardness around us. I looked over to her as I pulled the covers over me offering her a warm smile that she returned. I pulled the drapes around the bed and felt happier than I had in weeks, knowing that I was finally getting somewhere with Rose. I waited for the room the go quiet before I stepped back into the dark cold dormitory, grabbing a jumper and putting my slippers on before sneaking back out into the common.
Since I had started Hogwarts, every year on birthday I would always wait until the common room was empty to see in the last few minutes of my birthday. Mum had always let us stay up until midnight on our birthday, telling us to take in every moment we could of our special day. She wouldn't do the cake until ten to midnight, making sure the last few moments were always the most special. During my first year, I had gone to bed and tried to stay awake trying desperately not to get upset that my family wasn't there and I was sitting alone in the dark. I had contemplated asking Rose to wait up with me but never wanted think I was completely weird. Instead, I pulled myself out of bed, careful to make no noise and sat near the dying fire wrapped in a blanket reading a book, enjoying the only peace and quiet I had all day. It was now something I did every year and as far as I was aware none knew about it; it was my own secret thing in a place full of people and I loved that.
I sat on the sofa in front of the dying fire and flicked aimlessly through a book that had been left on the chair next to me; enjoying the fire crackling in the background as I read about the history of the Goblin rebellion. I had become so engrossed in the book that I didn't notice the portrait hole opening and a dishevelled looking James Potter walking through it.
"Why are you still awake?" He said staring at me from across the room. I almost jumped out of my skin when I heard him. The book went flying and I was up out of my seat in a second. Once I released who it was my heart rate calmed slightly but as I took in his appearance I suddenly became very concerned.
"James, you scared the hell out of me," I said offering a slight smile. He didn't return it, he just stood there.
"Why are you still awake?" He repeated again. I frowned and shrugged flopping back in the chair and hoping he would leave me be. I heard him sigh frustratingly and walk over to the settee. He looked at me expectantly and I moved over to let him sit down. We were quiet for a moment as I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. He looked worn out and tired, let alone freezing as if he had been outside all day. My concern grew as he closed his eyes and sighed deeply; leaning back to rest his head on the sofa.
"Where have you been?" I asked harsher than I meant it. He sighed again and turned his face towards mine.
"Does it matter?" He said sadly.
"Yes, I suppose it does," I said firmly. He looked at me for a moment.
"I've been doing some thinking," He said after a moment.
"Don't hurt yourself," I quipped. I saw a sad smile escape from his lips and I suddenly felt an overwhelming feeling of happiness that I had been the one to make him smile, especially when he looked so forlorn. "Thinking about what?" I pushed.
"You know exactly what," He replied closing his eyes again. He looked so peaceful I wanted to cry, it took every ounce of me to not kiss him there and then. "It's been a difficult few weeks," He said softly. I gapped at him, feeling suddenly annoyed at his remark. Was he actually being serious? He'd had a difficult few weeks. I had basically lost all of my best friends because I was keeping us a secret while he was still able to have his friends, his family, and cheat his stupid bloody girlfriend and behave as if nothing had happened. Not to mention he had not seen me all day and failed to wish me Happy Birthday when he saw me.
"You can't be serious," I said exasperated, turning to face him. He opened his eyes and looked shocked for a moment. "You have had it difficult, have you been so self-centred to even see what has been happening to me, all because of you," I almost yelled. He stood up suddenly and grabbed my hand.
"We can't have this conversation here," He said pulling me into the Head Boy's room off to the side of the common room. As we walked in, he dropped my hand and stood to face me waiting for me to continue. I tried to calm my temper but I knew there was no chance; I had gone past the point. I could feel my anger at Rose, at Al and Scorpius, at myself and at James bubble over and consume me.
"I have had the worst few weeks of my life all because of this shit we are in. Rose won't speak to me and I'm too bloody guilty to even fight against her falling out with me because she is right, I am lying to her, I am putting myself first, I am choosing you over them. I keep lying to everyone, to myself all because of you and you say you've had a difficult few weeks," I screamed at him, my anger slipping out of me.
"I know," He said softly, looking at me with a pained expression, not even attempting to argue back. It did nothing to calm me down, only wind me up more. I groaned in exasperation and moved towards him, pocking a finger into his chest harshly.
"What do you mean you know?" I yelled. "If you knew then why haven't you done anything about it? Why haven't you made sure I was okay? Why haven't you been there for me?" He hung his head and didn't reply.
"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT," I screamed. My voice echoed around the room and I stood there staring at up at him, breathing heavily, daring him to say something. He finally met my eyes and moved to touch my hand, I pulled away not wanting to be anywhere near him.
"I'm sorry," He said, so much pain in his voice I felt my heartbreak. "It's been awful watching you go through all of this, knowing it's my fault. I don't even know where to start." He said sitting down on the sofa with his head in his hands. I waited for him to finish, my anger not subsiding at all.
"I'm sorry about not seeing you today, I've been trying to think of a way around this situation hoping to come to you today and say fuck it lets just go for it because I am fed up of seeing you in pain and I am fed up of not being allowed to kiss you and hold you when I want to." He said looking at me. I felt my heart beating loudly in my ears; I couldn't believe what he was saying.
"Hannah, I want to be with you more than anything in the world. I am falling for you," He said sadly. My heart skipped a beat. James Potter was telling me that he was falling for me and all I wanted to do was cry. I came and sat with him on the sofa reaching my hand out to hold his.
"I've already fallen for you James," I said sadly not daring to meet his eyes.
"Did you see a way that we could do it?" I asked softly, knowing what the answer would be. He was quiet for a moment.
"No," I felt my heart drop, "There is no way around losing Al." He said painfully, "And I just can't do that." I nodded and dropped his hand standing up once again.
"I best go back to bed," I said not catching his eye.
"Please don't go, Hannah," He begged, reaching a hand out to pull me back down.
"James…" I sighed, letting him take my hand. He stood up and placed a small box inside my hand, wrapped in red and gold, his handwriting spelling my name beautifully on the top.
"Happy Birthday Hannah," He whispered making me aware of our close proximity. I opened the box and pulled out the small silver necklace. The chain was delicate and beautiful; sparkling in the light, at the bottom of the necklace was my favourite Rune, the lines around the edge curving perfectly back across the centre circle, a swirl encompassing the whole symbol, Grace and beauty coming together in union.
I looked up at him, our eyes finding each other both mirroring each other's intensity. I knew what was going to happen before it did. We stood there for what felt like an eternity before he took the present from my hands and placed it on the side, our gaze not breaking. He brought his hands to my face holding them there.
"Beauty," He whispered across my skin as he kissed my cheek softly. I felt my hairs stand on end; everything was so intense I wanted to melt into him forever.
"Grace," He whispered, moving to kiss the other cheek, breathing across my lips as he did. He stared passionately into my eyes for a second before smiling so beautifully my heart melted.
"You," He said before kissing me on the lips, giving into what we both wanted.
A/N: Thanks for reading once again and thank you for following and favouriting, it means a lot.
Thank you for those who have reviewed this story as well, it means so much that you are engaging with this story whether you are enjoying it or not, I do appreciate it. Just want to add that this story is very much from one person's POV so it's difficult to gauge what James/Al/Rose are all thinking and feeling about the situation. I've always thought Hannah to be a people pleaser and so, what is happening to her, goes against her very character. She is really giving herself a hard time about all of this because she honestly doesn't intend to hurt anyone.
I've always thought it would be interesting to write this story from Jame's perspective because I think he would see things very differently to Hannah but I won't go into too much detail as it might spoil what is to come.
As for Al being a bit of an arse (or a snowflake as someone put it, which made me laugh so much. I completely agree!) that will hopefully make sense soon as well.
And to the person who anonymously said that the story didn't make sense and was very concerned about James cheating on his girlfriend. He wasn't with Cressida when he first got with Hannah and I thought I made it apparent that he was only using Cressida, not that that is right but as Al said 'He is dating Cressida as a front,' (Chapter 4)
Thanks again for reading,
Chapter 8 to follow soon.
Jadeannkneeky