Chapter 20
I was vaguely aware of the sound of running water nearby as I wearingly opened my eyes, my mind screaming at me to go back to sleep. I groaned inwardly as I rolled over spotting a much-needed glass of water on the bedside. As the water ran down my throat, barely coming up for air as I drank, I heard the sound of a shower turning off and whistling coming from the bathroom. I brought the glass away from my lips as realization hit and the memories of last night flooded my mind; Danny kissing me, James shouting at me, throwing up in the toilet, drinking far too much. I groaned as I realised that I had not fallen asleep in my own bed or in my own clothes. I wondered if I had time to make a run for it before James Potter stepped out of the bathroom, wearing only a towel and not leaving much to the imagination.
"Morning," He said drying his hair with a towel. "Feeling better?" He asked with a smile that didn't quite meet his eyes.
"Not really," I replied, trying to ignore the banging in my head as my hangover suddenly took effect. I was very aware of how disgruntled I looked and, even though I was covered by the bed covers, how little clothing I was wearing. "Sorry about last night," I grumbled. James shrugged and moved across the room to his draws. It was then that I remembered how blatantly I had stripped off in front of him, vaguely remembering the shock on his face when he saw my scars.
"Are you and Danny a thing now?" James asked as he pulled some clothes out of his wardrobe.
"No," I sighed, glad he hadn't mentioned Cressida or the scars. "He kissed me to make you jealous, I didn't know he was going to do it before you start and I think it probably looked worse than it was."
"Well it worked," He said with a frown. He quickly got dressed and sat down at the foot of the bed, his face giving away the inner conflict he was clearly having with himself.
"James, just say what you need to say," I said, trying to hide my annoyance. I was more embarrassed than anything and desperately wanted to be as far away from him as I could be. He was quiet for a moment, ducking his head to avoid my eyes.
"I can't believe she did that to you," He said quietly. I shifted uncomfortably on the bed and tried to cover myself even more than I already was. I felt my cheeks redden slightly as his eyes met mine, full of hurt and pain.
"I don't really know what you want me to say," I replied dejectedly. James shook his head and ran his hand over his face.
"I'm just sorry that I brought that on you," He said quietly. I scoffed unbelievably at his words, taking us both by surprise. "What?" He asked with a frown.
"You didn't bring that on me, James," I sighed, shaking my head and pulling back the covers to find my clothes. I just wanted to leave, I had spent longer than I wanted to in James' company and my head was still banging from the night before. I needed to get as far away from him as I could manage, for my own sanity and bringing up the past wasn't going to help either of us. I pulled on my Quidditch kit and sat back down on the bed to put my shoes on.
"Hannah," James continued. I ignored him as I pulled my hair up into a quick bun and grabbed my cloak. "Hannah please," He said blocking the door as I made to leave, "Stop running away from this."
"Just because you need to make sense of it James, doesn't mean I do," I said scathingly.
"How can you be okay that this happened to you?" He argued, his face drawn up in confusion as he made his way closer to me.
"It's just the way it had to be," I spat, glaring at the boy in front of me, desperately trying to find a way around him. He looked down at me and sighed before stepping aside and sitting back down.
"It's so messed up," He said quietly. I looked over at the door and then to the boy sitting on the bed with his head in his heads. I shook my head and, against my better judgment, I sat down next to him.
"You're telling me," I agreed.
"I'm just so sorry Hannah," He said quietly, reaching across and taking my hand. I glanced down at our intertwined fingers and couldn't help but smile at the contact. "We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," James reassured, glancing at me.
"I just don't want to remember," I said quietly, avoiding his eyes. James unclasped our hands and wrapped his arm around me comfortingly. We were quiet for a while, it took me a moment to realise that I was crying into his shoulder as the weight of everything that had happened with Cressida hit me.
"I will never let that happen to you ever again, you know that don't you," James whispered into my hair. I pulled away from him and wiped my tears away. He brought a hand to my face and gave me sad smile. "Whatever happens, I'm always here for you please know that."
"I know," I nodded, "I should probably head off," James ran his hand through his hair and frowned.
"You told me you loved me last night," He said quietly. I blanched for a second as I remembered what I said before I fell asleep.
"Yes well, I wasn't really in my right mind." I backtracked. James sighed and stood up in front of me.
"Hannah I need to tell you something."
"What?" I said trying to hide the hopefulness that I could feel building inside of me, my heart beating loudly in my chest.
"It's probably not the right time to mention this but I don't want you to find out from someone else," He rambled.
"James, what is it?" I asked standing up and trying to ignore the feeling of dread I could feel building in my stomach.
"I'm seeing someone," He said simply. I gapped at him as I felt my heart skin to my shoes.
"Oh," was all I trusted myself to say without bursting into tears once again.
"It's the girl I was with the other day, Poppy," He explained.
"Oh," I said again, trying to wrap my head around what he was telling me.
"I just…I don't know…can we just be friends or something?" He asked hesitantly, doing well to keep his mask in place, not letting me see any emotion.
"I um..." I stuttered; the banging in my head getting slowly worse.
"Seeing you with Danny last night, whether you're together or not, it hurt and I was so angry, but really, it just made sense." He offered.
"I don't really know what you mean?" I frowned. He sighed loudly and started pacing the room, trying desperately to avoid my piercing glare.
"I just think that after everything, it makes sense for us to just…go our separate ways." He stopped moving and glanced at me, trying to gauge my reaction. I stood there rooted to the spot in complete disbelief at what was happening, "You have Al now and well…we can't wait around forever can we." And then finally, I understood. It was like Rose had said, we needed to either be together or have some closure and this was James choosing for the both of us. All I wanted to do was run; I couldn't believe the change in events from last night to this morning. His jealousy with Danny, the guilt with Cressida, the anger at everything; I could barely tell whether I was coming or going.
"Well, I'm sorry for the Danny thing and for throwing up in your toilet," I said quickly.
"Hannah you don't need to apologise," James said with a sad smile. I considered him for a moment before shrugging.
"No I suppose I don't, you dragged me in here after all," I stated. He didn't respond. "So that's it then," He nodded as I turned on the spot and made my way to the door, trying desperately to keep my tears at bay and ignore my heart breaking all over again.
"James," I said quietly, pausing with my hand on the door. I turned around and our eyes met once more. "I am sorry you know,"
"For what?" I sighed and walked over to him, placing my hands on his arms and looking into his surprised face with as much honesty as I could manage. I could feel my heart banging in my chest and my eyes filling with tears but I don't know what came over me. I knew I didn't want to leave it at that, I knew that for once I needed to be in control of this situation, I knew that I needed to fight for James Potter.
"For not fighting for us," I started, "I'm sorry I broke your heart and I'm sorry I didn't choose you but-
"Please stop Hannah," James said pulling away from me frowning, "It's done, I've moved on and so should you." I nodded and tried to not let the tears fall.
"Sometimes I just need to listen to my head instead of my heart even though it ends up completely breaking my heart," I said quietly. "I'm sorry and I know you don't want to hear this but I meant what I said before I fell asleep." He looked at me confused. "I love you," I said with a soft smile. I moved over to him and kissed him softly on the cheek.
"Hannah," He paused for a moment, closing his eyes slightly and sighing deeply. He opened his eyes, his mask slipping back in place with ease, and took a step back from me. "I don't feel that way about you anymore," He said quietly. I nodded in understanding as my heart completely shattered in my chest. I wanted to burst into tears on the spot, I needed to release the pain that his words had caused but I knew for once that I couldn't think like that. I needed to be in control.
"If that's how you feel then..." I managed to say quietly, blinking the tears away. He didn't respond. "Thanks for looking after me last night," I said with a sad smile. I gave him a long look before taking my leave.
"Hannah," He called. I whipped around trying not to get my hopes up. "Friends?" He asked, sounding almost hopeful. I shook my head and sighed.
"I don't think we could ever just be friends James," I replied through the tears that had finally fallen. I didn't wait for his response as I left the room without looking back.
"I feel like I'm dying," I groaned throwing myself down onto a bench. After waking up in James' room I snuck back into my dorm to get ready for breakfast, hoping a shower would wake me up. But between a hangover and a broken heart, it wasn't happening any time soon.
"Tell me about it," Al nodded in agreement passing me a coffee.
"Did you guys enjoy your celebrations last night then?" Scorpius said as him and Rose joined the table. Al and I just moaned in response and Scorpius laughed. "Well done for winning yesterday Hannah, deservedly so," I offered my friend a small smile.
"Sorry about flying into you, no hard feelings and all that," I said grimacing at the memory.
"Maybe not between me and you but I think the whole of the Slytherin house," He turned around to the table, nearly all of them were throwing me dirty looks, "And the Ravenclaws," I turned to see the same expression mirrored on their faces too, "is out for your blood," He said with a smirk. I sighed loudly and grabbed some toast trying to ignore them.
"Who cares," Al pipped up throwing a supportive arm around my shoulders, "All of the Gryffindor's love you, especially one in particular," He finished with a wink. I shook my head and shrugged him off me.
"What's this?" Scorpius asked with a frown.
"Well rumour has it that little miss Marshal here was seen been dragged into my big brother's bedroom last night and wasn't seen for the rest of the party," Al said smirking sideways at me. I felt the blood rise in my face as Rose and Scorpius both stared at me.
"Finally," Rose smiled. I looked at all three of them, feeling tears once again well in my eyes. "Hannah?" She said frowning.
"I swear to Merlin if that dickhead has hurt you again," Al growled, looking about ready to punch someone.
"No, no, no," I said quickly, placing my hands on top of Al's now clenched fist in a bid to calm him down, "Nothing like that."
"Then what is it?" Rose asked impatiently. I looked down the table towards the older Potter who was sitting with Fred and Hugo, laughing as though he hadn't broken my heart this morning. I took a deep breath and turned to face my friends.
"He told me he didn't love me anymore," I said quietly.
"Bullshit," Al almost laughed. I bit my lip and nodded.
"And...he's seeing someone," I added. They all looked at me incredulously, nobody knowing what to say.
"Do you believe him?" Rose asked, reaching across the table to hold my hand.
"I caught him with a girl on Wednesday. They came into an empty classroom I was in and I don't think they were there to study," I said, stubbornly wiping the tears that had escaped away.
"Why didn't you tell us?" Al said in shock.
"Because I didn't need the distraction before the game so I just tried not to think about it," I explained.
"He's just trying to protect himself you know," Al said after a moment, looking down at his brother. "You broke his heart and his ego when you chose me. "He doesn't want to be second best, that's why he is doing this. You know that Hannah," He explained.
"I know, I feel awful but I it's like you said Rose, either make it work or closure and I suppose this is what I need," I said looking to my friend. Rose studied me for a moment, playing with her hair nervously.
"What I said was a load of bloody crap," She said suddenly, we all looked at her in shock. "If you want closure it will be done on your own terms, it is not for James Potter to decide. As Al said, he is just trying to protect himself he doesn't want to get hurt again." She said forcefully.
"No, it's done he's moved on," I hung my head dejectedly.
"Hannah, have you read the letter yet?" Rose asked after a moment. I shook my head. "Then it's not done," She said finally with a smile on her face, "In the meantime, I think I need to have a word with my older cousin," She said standing up and fixing her clothes.
"Rose please doesn't say anything," I begged, looking up at my friend who had a determined look on her face. She ignored me and stepped around the bench, walking towards James.
"There's no point fighting her," Scorpius said looking after his girlfriend with a fond smile, "Once she gets that look on her face you can't persuade her otherwise." We all watched as she tapped James on the shoulder, said something to him and walked out of the hall. James' eyes met mine briefly before he sighed and stood up and reluctantly followed his cousin.
"What letter was Rose on about?" Al asked curiously.
"Hannah, I think it might be time to read it," Scorp said with a soft smile.
"I will, but not yet. I think I need to give my heart a break for a while," I said sadly.
I never found out what had happened with Rose and James but knew that they had fallen out over it. Al decided that it was best to keep me updated as I refused point blank to find out what Rose had discussed with James. Two weeks later, the four of us walked to the lawns for the annual Battle of Hogwarts anniversary memorial. As always it was a very solemn affair and with the spotlight on my friends and their families, I had learned quickly that I needed to be the support system for them all. Their whole family turned up along with the Minister of Magic and other important ministry officials as well as the family and friends of those who died. Due to the nature of the memorial, Rose, Al and Scorpius were all exempt from prefect duties and spent the service with their families. In normal circumstances, I would go and say hello to them all but my embarrassment of the past few months got the better of me and so I bade my friend's goodbye and went and sat with Danny and the rest of the Gryffindor's.
Professor McGonagall led the service with Al's dad and Rose's parents joining them about halfway through, each of them recounting the harrowing stories of that day as well as stories of those who died. Scorpius' dad joined Mr. Potter on stage and the two delivered a really empowering speech about equality and unity in the wizarding world which I think struck a nerve with everybody. I was so proud that my two best friends were able to draw the former enemies together and have them spoken about with pride in front of all these people. The memorial usually finished with a speech from the Head boy and girl of Hogwarts that year but I wasn't sure that James would be doing it this year. I was proven wrong when the older Potter took to the stage looking upset and beautiful all in the same breath. I felt my heart skip a beat as I allowed myself to look at him for the first time in weeks.
"On behalf of the students here at Hogwarts, I would like to say thank you to everyone for coming today to remember the tragedies that occurred here all those years ago," James started, his voice soft and loud, reaching everyone. "I would also like to thank those who fought alongside my family, for what they believed and what was right. I think a great debt is owed to all of those who lost their lives and to their loved ones who were left behind. I don't think that debt can ever be paid but instead the knowledge and hope that Hogwarts and The Wizarding World is unified and has developed into a beautiful, safe world that holds everyone to equal stance; please know that their sacrifice was not for nothing and that every student that passes through these walls loves them more than they even know."
James spoke with so much passion and dignity that I didn't think there was a dry eye in the house. I felt my own tears streaming down my face at his words and looked up at him with so much pride I thought I would burst. He finished his speech offering everyone to join the students in the hall for tea and cake causing a flurry of movement towards the castle. I decided not to intrude on the Weasley's and Potter's, making my way to the castle with Danny and Darcy.
"Hannah," I heard some call my name as I walked into the entrance hall. I turned around and saw a blonde head through the crowds of people. "Hannah Marshall,"
"Dom," I said in shock. She burst out of the crowd wrapping me in a big hug. "I didn't know you were here,"
"Well you would've if you hadn't run away from all of us earlier," She said with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. She wrapped an arm around my shoulder and we walked into the great hall moving towards her family members.
"Dom, I really don't think I should intrude on you all," I said stopping slightly, biting my lip nervously.
"Hannah Marshall, if you don't sit your butt down on that table I will tell Granma all about you and James," She threatened, her eyes narrowed, pinning me to the spot.
"You wouldn't dare," I replied with a frown. She sighed and put her arm back around my shoulders.
"No I wouldn't," She guided me over to her family, "And besides, she already knows," She said with a smirk, "Look who I found," She said happily to her family before I could respond. She forced me down into a seat whilst the rest of the family shouted their hello's my way.
"It's lovely to see you, dear," Molly Weasley said from across the table, a warm smile across her face. I felt my cheeks go red as a realised that more than likely everyone knew about James and me.
"You to Mrs Weasley," I said with a smile trying to hide my embarrassment. The rest of the family came and joined us from outside, Al and Rose sitting opposite me smiling when they saw me.
"Hannah," Mrs Potter said coming over to me and wrapping her arms around my shoulders. "It's good to see you, congratulations on winning the Quidditch cup," She said beaming at me. A few of the Weasley's cheered in response, I felt myself go bright red again. "Please don't worry about what happened at the beginning of the year," She said only loud enough for me to hear, "They wouldn't be brothers if they weren't arguing about something or another, I'm just sorry that you got caught in the crossfire," She said with a knowing grin. She patted my shoulder before moving to sit with Rose's parents. I felt extremely embarrassed at her words but also a little bit more at ease than I had before. I sat down again talking to my friends and their Uncle Charlie animatedly about the final when I saw Dom stand up quickly from beside me. I knew what was coming before it did.
"There's a seat here little cousin," She said sweetly.
"Dom," I all but growled.
"No I don't mind at all," She continued ignoring me completely and moving to sit with her sister. I closed my eyes briefly and tried to get my nerves in check as James Potter sat down next to me. I was suddenly aware that although everyone was talking to each other, they were all looking at us expectantly. I couldn't stand it.
"Great speech bro," Al said cutting the tension.
"Beautiful dear," Molly Weasley agreed with glistening eyes.
"Yes well…" James ran his hand through his hair nervously as he always did and I resisted grabbing his hand under the table to calm his nerves. "You okay Hannah?" He said stiffly turning slightly to face me. I nodded and grabbed a cake to busy my hands.
"How's revision going?" I asked.
"Okay, my first exam is in a few weeks. Just want to get them done now," He said offering me a small smile.
"Then you'll be off to Egypt," I said without thinking.
"Isn't it fantastic, another Curse Breaker in the family," Arthur Weasley pipped up.
"Hannah, that reminds me." Bill Weasley said leaning across the table, "There's an internship coming up in Romania and they have asked for you personally, I meant to owl you months ago but it slipped my mind. It's yours in you want it," He said with a smile.
"You can live with me," Dom said excitedly. I smiled at my friend and nodded.
"That sounds fantastic Mr Weasley," I said smiling, "I would love to."
"Great, I'll message your parents and sort everything out,"
"You both best make sure you're back for my wedding," Victoire Weasley said glaring at me and Dom.
"As if we would miss that," Dom scuffed, "I think you, Mum and Gran would kill us," Some of the table laughed, "Hannah, this is so exciting," She said jumping in her seat slightly.
"You'll have a great time," James said next to me.
"I was hoping it would be in Egypt," I said without thinking. I looked up and saw Rose and Al smirking slightly at me.
"And why is that Hannah?" Al smirked. I suddenly realised what I'd said and wanted the ground to swallow me whole.
"I meant…I just…never mind," I sighed shaking my head.
"If it's any consolation, I wanted you to be in Egypt as well," James said not quite meeting my eyes. Before I could read anything into what he'd said Molly Weasley was rounding up her grandchildren to say bye. Dom wrapped me in a massive hug as she left with her parents and we all made our way to the common room.
Rose and I climbed the girl's staircase to bed, chatting about nothing in particular as we made our way into our empty dormitory. We got changed in silence, both of us thinking about the day's events not needing to talk. I got into bed and Rose came and perched on the end of it, looking at me for a moment.
"Why haven't you asked me what I spoke to James about the other week?" She asked after a moment.
"I didn't think it was any of my business," I answered truthfully.
"But you know it was about you," She frowned.
"Well, now I do,"
"So why didn't you ask?"
"Like I said I didn't think it was any of my business," I repeated. She looked at me and sighed.
"Have you read the letter yet?"
"I wish people would stop asking that," I replied rolling my eyes.
"What are you so afraid of Hannah?" Rose said loudly. I gapped at her slightly.
"I'm not afraid of anything," I whispered.
"Yes you are," She said standing up and moving to my bedside. "That's why you didn't ask me what we spoke about and that's why you haven't read this letter," She pulled out the worn piece of parchment shoving it into my hands. I stared at her in shock. She sighed at sat back down on the end of the bed.
"I'm so happy you and Al have sorted things out between the two of you and I'm happy that James and Al have sorted things out between them, but Hannah, as much as you try and hide it, I can see that you are unhappy and I can see that James is too. There is nothing stopping you two now," She said with a sad smile.
"When I went to speak to James, I wanted to yell at him for messing you around so much but I just couldn't, he could barely look at me when I spoke to him. He thought that lying to you, that telling you he was with someone else and that he didn't love you anymore would make it easier for him to let you go," She explained, "But it didn't."
"What do you mean lie to me?" I asked, curiosity getting the better of me.
"He wasn't seeing that girl at all," She replied.
"But they walked into the classroom when I was there,"
"Well I don't think he was entirely innocent in that but he isn't dating her," She frowned.
"Why did he say that then?"
"Because, he was scared exactly like you," She smiled. I was still confused. "Hannah, he saw Danny kiss you and then you fall asleep in his arms telling him that you loved him. He freaked out because he wanted to hate you so much for choosing Al but in the end, he knew that he could never hate you,"
"But it's done now Rose, why are you telling me all of this?" I said suddenly feeling annoyed. "He's leaving soon and going to Egypt and I'm now going to Romania, what does it matter anymore."
"It matters Hannah because you love each other and have come through too much not to deserve to be happy," She sighed. "Please read the letter, there's a reason Dom gave it to you,"
"But the letter was written before I chose Al over James," I replied, "There is no saying that is how he feels now,"
"Hannah, do you really believe that you chose Al over James, honestly." She asked grabbing my hand.
"What do you mean? Of course, I did." I said pulling my hand out of her grasp.
"I don't even think Al believes that you chose him over James," She shook her head.
"Either explain what you mean or go to bed," I snapped.
"What I mean is, when Al gave you the ultimatum, which he should never have done, he was testing you, seeing if you would put your friendship first. You obviously did but only because you were backed into a corner not because you loved Al more."
"You still aren't making sense," I said with a frown.
"You broke your own heart in order to put Al first," She said wisely. "If you really, truly chose Al do you really think we would still be talking about you and James nearly three months after the event?" She sighed and wrapped her arm around my shoulder, "You have a third option Hannah," She smiled. "One Al didn't give you, one you didn't give yourself." I shot her a confused look. "You Hannah. Choose your own happiness over everyone else's for once."
"But I can't do that now," I said sadly, feeling the tears fall down my cheeks. "It's too late,"
"It's never too late when you love someone Hannah," She said leaning her head on my shoulder and looking down at the letter in my hands. "Read it in your own time Hannah, but trust me, I think it will make everything clear when you do."
It was now the middle of June. Exams had finished and everyone was enjoying the last few days of term outside by the lake. The fifth and seventh years where partying most nights, seventh years enjoying their last few days at school with their friends before we would all leave on Sunday. Much to the annoyance of my friends, I still hadn't built up the courage to read the letter or to speak to James and time was running out far too quickly. I had tried to read it getting as far as the first line before throwing it back in the draw and taking deep breaths to calm my nerves. I knew that everything was now down to me. It was my turn to fight for James but as Rose had said, I was too afraid to do anything about it. On the plus side, James and I were amicable again, not to the extent where we sort each other out, but to the extent where were could be around each other without it being awkward.
It was the final night of term and the last feast of the year. We all made our way into the hall for one last meal. Some seventh years crying already, most students excited about the summer to come. I found myself in the middle. I was looking forward to seeing the back of this year and to going to Romania but I was angry at myself for not sorting things out with James and now I had left it too late. Rose, Al and I sat down with our fellow sixth years everyone talking animatedly about their summer.
"You're coming to visit the last weekend again Hannah?" Al said between bites of a chicken leg.
"I wouldn't miss it for the world, our last summer as Hogwarts students," I said sadly.
"Don't say stuff like that otherwise I'll end up like that sorry lot," Rose groaned pointing to the seventh years that were the loudest they had ever been, the majority of them balling their eyes out. I caught sight of Danny who gave me the biggest smile. I was going to miss him so much when he left, not only was I going to have to replace another beater; I was going to miss a dear friend. We had spent the day before together by the lake talking about summer and what he was going to be doing outside. He had gotten an apprenticeship in the Magical Law enforcement office and was hoping to work up the ranks there. He would also be visiting Romania towards the end of the summer with Rose, Al and Scorpius who were all visiting for a holiday. I couldn't wait.
"One year left, can you believe it," Al said shaking his head and looking around the hall. "I am going to miss this place so much," Rose and I nodded in agreement. "Hannah don't look now but lover boy is looking this way," Al smirked. I shot him a look but in spite of myself looked down the table to where James Potter was looking at me with a sad look in his eyes. I offered him a small smile which wasn't returned and sighed.
"He isn't my lover boy," I snapped.
"I swear to Merlin, I could bang your heads together." Al groaned. Before I could reply Professor McGonagall drew our attention to her and the hall went quiet as she gave her last speech of the year.
It was over too quickly and we were all coerced to bed by the prefects. Slytherin had won the house cup for the second year in a row, something Rose wasn't overly happy about barely speaking to Scorpius when he came over to us after the feast. Al decided it was best to leave them to and we made our way back to the common room with the rest of the Gryffindor's.
"You all packed?" Al asked, putting the last few of his things into his case. I was sitting on his bed reading a book he had disregarded, keeping him company whilst he packed.
"Yep, did it all this morning," I smiled throwing the book on top of the suitcase before he closed it. "Are you seeing Kate over summer?" I asked as he sat down next to me.
"Nah, she broke up with me a couple of days ago," He sighed. I shot him a sympathetic look and he laughed. "Not to worry, I'm sure we'll be back together before we come back. I'm just resigning myself to the fact that that is how our relationship works. We're both far too laid back about our feelings for each other for us to be too serious,"
"I didn't think you could be laid back about anything," I smirked, bumping his shoulder with my own.
"Neither did I but she has that effect on me I suppose," He shrugged leaning back.
"Do you think you love her?" I asked. He shrugged again and considered it for a moment.
"I think I could easily fall in love with her but right now, I don't think either of us wants or needs that. Besides my feelings have given me enough a headache this year too last me a lifetime. I quite enjoy the fact that I always know where I stand with Kate,"
"Unlike with me you mean," I said with a frown.
"Hey, you know that isn't what I meant," He said quickly. "I wouldn't worry, after I found out you'd sex with my brother, I kind of got over you pretty quickly,"
"I suppose that's something then," I said trying to force a smile. "Merlin, it would've been so much easier falling for you than James."
"I know but I honestly I think you'd have killed me by now and then we wouldn't be friends and that, as we know, is a complete disaster," Al smirked, flinging his arms around dramatically.
"I should probably be getting to bed," I said as Al's dorm mates started walking in.
"Hannah, did you get a chance to speak to James?" He asked as I stood up to leave. I knew it was coming but wasn't ready for the sinking feeling in my stomach when Al mentioned his name.
"No, and I don't think I intend to now," I said turning to face him.
"I'm sorry if I did this to you," He said sadly. I shook my head and wrapped my arms around his waist.
"Don't ever think that Al," I said into his top. "I am so happy you're back in my life, you know that. I couldn't cope when you weren't,"
"But there's something missing about you Hannah," Al said softly pulling away from me and looking down. "I saw the old you briefly when you won the cup but don't think I don't see how sad you look when you think no one's watching, you look exhausted when you let the mask you put on fall and I know it's because of James," He said looking at me with such determination in his eyes.
"Why are you saying this now Al?" I sighed.
"Because I want you to be happy Hannah," He said finally wrapping me in a hug.
"Goodnight Al, I'll see you in the morning," I said dejectedly leaving his room without another word.
I got changed and ready for bed in silence, choosing to ignore my dorm mates and Rose who had come back from speaking to Scorpius in a better mood. I drew the curtains around my bed and cast a charm to make sure I couldn't hear anyone else outside and sank into my pillows trying my best to not let what Al had said bother me. I knew my friends all had my best interest at heart but it still didn't put right the fact that I had left it too late to fight for me and James. We both knew it, so why wouldn't they drop it also. I was ashamed of myself for being too coward and letting it get this far. The Gryffindor in me hated the reasoning and excuses I had fed to myself. I knew it was probably time to listen to that side of myself.
I tried to fall asleep but I knew it was no good, my mind was reeling. I drew open my curtains, opened my drawer and pulled out the only thing I hadn't packed. I grabbed the letter and my Gryffindor jumper making sure to not make any noise as I walked into the empty common room. The fire was dying when I entered and the lamps were on fairly low. I sat on the hearth, leaning against the settee, talking a deep breath before opening the letter I had been avoiding for months.
Dear Dom,
I'm going out of my mind.
I'm sorry to bombard you with so many letters and I promise this will be one of my last but Merlin; I am so worried about Hannah.
She is completely isolating herself from everyone, I don't know if it is some self-inflicting punishment thing that she thinks she deserves but it is killing me every time I see her. She looks so lost and sad all the time. I just want to hold her and comfort her but she told me she doesn't love me anymore and Al has made it very clear that under no circumstances am I to ever speak to her again.
How can he expect me to do that?
I go to sleep and I'm dreaming of her, I wake up and I'm thinking of her. She encompasses everything I love and all I want, all I need, is for her to be happy. It is killing me to see her so broken and I feel like I can't do anything to help. If I can't help the person I love the most in the world, what the fucking hell is the point of even breathing.
She has taken the weight of what we did to Albus on her own shoulders and it is crushing her. Why is it so wrong to love someone? Why can't my selfish pig of a brother see what he is doing to his best friend? It is destroying her, it is destroying me.
I understand that lying and deceitfulness need to be met with a consequence, but she believes that that consequence needs to be a punishment and is torturing herself in order to make Albus' happy. What about her own happiness?
I feel like I've lost her before we've even started. This isn't some avid affair we were having. I haven't felt this way about anyone ever Dom and we haven't even dated. I want to hold her hands in the corridors, I want to take her on dates and kiss her in front of everyone, I want to be with her forever but why do I feel like we are tainted now, like that could never happen? I don't want to feel like I have missed my chance with her but why is my head telling me that I have.
I miss her so much. My heart is broken into a million pieces and she has every single one of them. I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like I have lost the one good thing in my life. The one person that makes me forget about the huge weight I have on my shoulders. That loves me for me and not because I am Harry Potter's oldest son but because I am me.
I know you're in Romania but I really feel like you're the only person she will listen to and I'm all out of ideas of what to do. I just want more than anything to see her smile again. Please Dom, I know you're her friend and I know you are worried about her too.
Apologies for the spew of emotions, I just need to let it out and I know you will understand. Please help her Dom, I will be forever grateful.
Hope Quidditch is going well,
See you at Easter,
Jamie P.
I hadn't even realised I was crying until I saw my tears drop onto the parchment in front of me. I reread the letter three or four times without allowing myself to think about what James was saying. I closed the parchment and placed it on the floor next to me, wrapping my arms around my legs and silently crying into my knees. I thought James' words would make me gain the courage I needed to go to his room and sort out the whole mess but inside I was broken more so than before. I understand why Dom had given me the letter. She needed me to understand the effect I had on that boy, but I don't think she considered for one moment the impact that boy has on me. Even I didn't understand the impact he had on me. I knew that I couldn't talk to James' this evening but he was going to Egypt tomorrow and I was off to Romania in four days. I had told him that we could never be friends so what other reason would we have to keep in touch over summer.
My head was spinning, I couldn't make sense of all the emotions I was feeling. I wiped my tears away and pulled myself together somewhat, standing up to move over to a table. I was going to write him a letter and give it to him tomorrow on the train. I needed him to know that this wasn't over between us and although it is going to be hard, that I was willing to fight for us. I took a deep breath and picked up a quill and some parchment someone had left out and begun writing probably the most important letter I ever would.
Dear James
You should probably know before I start, that Dom gave me a letter you wrote to her, a letter she thought I deserved to read. It lay all of your emotions out on the page, plain and clear for me to see and yet I'm still too coward to walk across the common room and knock on your door and tell you exactly how I feel for you. I swear the sorting hat was malfunctioning the day it was placed on my head; flying straight into Scorpius takes stupidity, walking across the room to you takes courage, which I don't have. My mind is truly messed up and I'm hoping to make this letter to you as coherent as I can if that doesn't happen then please ignore my silly ramblings and go about your day as normal.
I felt like I'd left everything too late. I knew that the ball was in my court, that it was my turn to fight for us, but I let everything get the better of me. In your letter, you also said that you thought you had lost me, that we've run out of chances, that we were tainted and that is exactly how I've been feeling these past few months. I haven't been able to see past the awful day Al found out and all that's happened in between and I think a lot of that has to do with not forgiving myself; me writing you this letter, is me finally forgiving myself.
You see James; we haven't left anything too late, you haven't lost me and if we are being honest, when have we really been given a chance.
How I feel for you is difficult for even me to understand. You are all I think about when I wake up, you are all I dream about when I go to sleep. When you kissed me in that classroom, when all of this started, it was the first time in my life I felt at peace. Aside from the nerves and the excitement, I felt like kissing you was exactly what I should've been doing all along, like I could finally breathe properly. My heart felt whole, my thoughts made sense, I just felt like something important was happening and I was right.
Falling in love with you is the most important thing that has ever happened to me James Potter. Loving you feels more natural than breathing and for a long time now I have felt like I have been suffocating.
We aren't too late James Potter because there is no time limit on my love for you.
I really hope you have a wonderful time in Egypt; I will be counting down the days until I see you again at the wedding.
Yours always,
Hannah
A/N: Thank you so much for reading and apologises about the delay in the last few chapters, it wasn't done deliberately. You know how life can be sometimes, getting in the way, I've barely had a second to breathe over the past few weeks and I had so many edits to do on this chapter, it's just taken longer than I wanted it too. So I apologise about the delay but thank you for sticking with me and this story.
Only one more Chapter to go. I can't believe it!
I would be greatly appreciated if you could take the time to review this silly fanfiction of mine, a lot of blood sweat and tears has gone into writing this beast, I would love to hear your feedback.
The last chapter is not as long as the last two and should be with you a lot quicker than this one.
Thanks again for reading and supporting this story, it means the world!
Jadeannkneeky.