My apologies for the delay in publishing this chapter and the lack of review replies. I was out in Jackson Hole, Wyoming (Stunning area, if you've never been. I highly recommend it for fishing/hiking/camping/kayaking/etc. and definitely for skiing in the winter) for a long weekend for my cousin's wedding and came home to a sick child who then passed her sickness onto me...all the while the Major was away for that week. Solo Yummy with three babies and a stomach virus wasn't a pretty sight. I virtually got nothing written for about nine days. Anyway, here it is: 9 thousand words to sink your teeth into! :)
I also wanted to give a special shout-out to my hating anonymous reviewer who after 24 chapters is still hanging in there and declaring Edward and Riley are chauvinistic manwhores who basically deserve misery, pestilence and plague culminating in a fate worse than death. I get such a kick out of your fun sentiments and tenacity, especially considering you could've walked away from these disgusting characters countless times, but somehow always get pulled back in after every chapter and want to share your loving thoughts.
I am pretty irresistible; the force is strong in me, I know ;). You're the comic relief around here.
Can't wait to hear the gems you come up with this time around! :D
Chapter song: "Chances Are," by Vonda Shepard and Robert Downey, Jr. Go have a listen; it's perfectly perfect for our just-reunited couple.
^^TotS^^
EPOV
If I hadn't just gotten a perfectly clean bill of health from Dr. Landreau, along with a first class PFT, I'd be convinced I was on the verge of a stroke earlier tonight. From the moment Bella walked into that meeting, my blood pressure was through the roof, I was in a cold sweat, and I felt like I couldn't catch my breath.
It was all I could do to not leap out of my chair, screaming, "What the fuck?" and then demand that time cease until Bella and I have the chance to work out all our issues.
Three weeks ago, I spent hours upon days mentally preparing to see her and pour my heart out; no holding back. That uncertain time was nerve-wracking as hell, but I was ready and willing to do it in order to set things right between us, whatever that meant. But once I lost my chances in Korea, my adrenaline balloon deflated, and I've been in a holding pattern ever since. Rosalie and I kept hitting dead ends, never making any headway connecting with Bella through the DODDS email system, so my heartfelt speech got a little stale and I became complacent.
Who knew I should've adopted my situational awareness Marine Corps policy to my personal life as well? I could've been prepared, sharp as a tack and ready to say everything necessary to win her back. Instead, seeing her fly into the conference room tonight made my mind spin out of control. I was completely dumbfounded and unable to remain grounded when we finally had our moment alone in the parking lot.
Thankfully, I reined in my temper before it was too late, recalling the sage advice Pops gave me many years ago:
"Words are bullets, Edward. Don't ever say something you haven't thought through, because you can't take them back. Never lash out in anger, especially with those you love. There's no apology grand enough to heal a bullet wound, hear me?"
Even though I'd been desperate to spill my guts at the first sight of her, I knew it wasn't the appropriate time or place. When she offered to meet me on Friday, I breathed a sigh of relief figuring that meant she wasn't totally repulsed by the sight of me.
It's a start.
I now have two days to gather my thoughts and wits before we meet. I have no business imaging a passionate reunion, so all I'm hoping for at this point is that she'll hear me out. I just want to be brave enough to tell her everything my heart and head have been wrestling with, the good and the bad.
I need to accept my role in the downward spiral our newborn relationship suffered, and I have to be honest about how she hurt me, too. If there's a snowball's chance in hell of our ever making a relationship work, I can't keep anything to myself anymore. Being too inside my head was what stopped us before we got a chance to start last time. I won't ever make that mistake again, especially if she gives me another shot. I owe it to her and to myself.
Shit, we've got a lot to work through.
It's just dumb luck that Thursdays are my standing appointment with the therapist over at the hospital. Boy, will he get an earful tomorrow afternoon.
Before I hit the rack, I need to contact Emmett and Riley to bring them up to speed. It's late here, so I decide not to call and instead send a group email. Unexpectedly— even though he and Kalia are still in Fiji— Riley's reply is instantaneous:
You're one lucky motherfucker that she didn't put two quick ones right in your grape. But I'm proud of you, man. Lay it on the line and hope for the best. Tell her Kalia and I miss her and for Christ's sake, would you get a fucking Facebook account already? Kalia wants to talk to you but the time difference is too insane from Hawaii to Japan. I bet Bay would get a kick out of it, too. We'll be back at Kaneohe on Saturday.
I've never been one for social networking. If you need to talk to me, call or text me. All that other crap is nonsense as far as I'm concerned. Now that I'm halfway around the world though, it's probably best to get something up and running. Lauren's been harassing me for years to get on Facebook because that's where she posts all the pictures of Bailyn. When I was in Afghanistan, it didn't make sense to get an account since I spent so little time on the computer, only using it for the Skyping sessions I could get in with the family. And of course, once I was back in Hawaii, I had a much better distraction right next to me rather than screwing around on the computer. Now that I think about it, I wish I had gotten a Facebook account back then. It might've made finding Bella a hell of a lot easier than the three-ring circus I dealt with for the last month.
My brain's too scattered to do anything about it right now and I have to PT with the headquarters staff at o'dark-thirty. I need to lay my head down before it fucking explodes.
Facebook can wait till tomorrow.
^^TotS^^
Thursday morning drags on endlessly. No fewer than three people ask me if I'm all right before we break for chow at noon.
"Sir? You okay? You seem out of it."
"Come on, sir. Eight more. You banged these out last week. Everything all right?"
"Masen. Your head in the clouds? The colonel's waiting!"
I decide to head back to the BOQ for a simple bowl of cereal instead of eating at the food court or the O'club for lunch. For as easy as it was to put that Facebook shit out of my mind last night before I crashed, it's been just that difficult to ignore it all morning. Curiosity is killing me, and I have to see what I've been missing online, or more specifically, find Bella and see if we can take a baby step or two before I get to her place tomorrow night.
I fill out all my basic information on the site without revealing too much. Hometown, current city, birthday, profession... uhh, yeah. USMC is all you're getting, folks. Talk about OPSEC. I really don't expect to be using this for much more than keeping in touch with my sister and Kalia until she gets here; it's not like they don't know everything about me anyway.
My mind lingers on Kalia for a minute which leads to an ever-present punch to the gut since we lost Nalani. I really hope things went well in Fiji with her dad.
Okay, next up. Profile picture, cover photo…what the fuck? I roll my eyes trying to figure out what the hell to upload to each of the boxes. My standard officer portrait would be too douchey, so I figure I'll just go for an eagle, globe and anchor. It's got to be a small shot anyway since the box is fucking microscopic.
The cover photo is another story. Maybe I can use one of the shots from my latest trip home. I scroll through the batch of pictures and find a great one of me holding Bailyn while we greeted Rapunzel and Flynn Rider at Disneyland. Bay was so excited when she met them, getting their autographs in her special memory book. The picture is really hilarious. Flynn challenged me to a smolder-off as we took our places for our pose. Little did he know, Bella convinced me before she left that my smolder was perfect. The professional photographer captured a series of great shots where Rapunzel and Bailyn are smiling brightly, and Flynn and I are doing our best scowls. I bought two shots online at the end of the first night when we got back to our hotel. I paid for a download while sending additional hard copy prints back to my mom's house for Bailyn's collection.
Scanning through the folder of the rest of the Disney shots, I know that group picture is the best choice for the cover photo on Facebook. And it's no secret that I'm hoping— once I track Bella down on here— it'll score me a brownie point or two with her. I'm not above using all the help I can get, Disney or otherwise.
Okay, all the basics are taken care of here. Nobody needs to know or probably even gives a rat's ass what my favorite movie is or which books I've read. This is strictly a recon mission at this point.
I type in my sister's name and locate her under Lauren Masen Yorkie. I wonder why she included her maiden name. When she and Eric married, she took Yorkie so as never to confuse Bailyn, who was just an infant when they made things official. Oh, well. Add friend? Yup.
I find Riley easily enough. Not too many Riley Biers from Kaneohe, Hawaii listed in the Facebook search engine. Add friend.
I see a thumbnail of Kalia on his page and click on it realizing this must be her new Facebook account. Riley promised her once she turned eleven at the end of August that she'd be allowed to set it up, but only because she's moving to Japan and leaving the only home she's ever known. He told me he's totally freaked out about online stalkers and mental cases like that, so he's planning to be ridiculously protective over her time online. He also knows though, that without Nalani making this trip to Okinawa with them, Kalia is extremely nervous. She's been so excited to be reunited with Rose again. I bet she's going to be equally thrilled to know that Bella is suddenly here as well. That thought alone causes me to grin from ear to ear.
Speaking of Bella. The Bella tolls for thee…time to search for her name. I attempt to locate Isabella Newton and groan when I see fifty-six results. I start scrolling through them, completely frustrated until it dawns on me that maybe she's listed under her maiden name as well. Isabella Swan Newton yields one result from Morehead City, North Carolina.
Hell fucking yes.
My finger hovers over the green Add Friend button for a few uneasy seconds. This isn't the kind of bell you can un-ring. At least, I don't think it is. Riley is forever deleting Facebook stuff from his email account. I'd imagine if you get a friend request, your email is alerted as well.
Fuck it. I confidently press my thumb on the navigation bar without looking back. Yes, I absolutely want to be friends with this girl. Too bad there isn't a button requesting heartfelt forgiveness and undying love. I'd press those two buttons till carpal tunnel set in and then I'd keep pressing them till my goddamn fingers fell off if I knew my wishes would be met with a positive response.
For now, though, I'll settle for Facebook friendship and a dinner date.
Aim small, miss small.
^^TotS^^
I decide to stop by Emmett and Rosalie's house after my counseling session. I need a pick-me-up after leaving the hospital with a headache, which actually hasn't happened since I started in therapy. I think when I first began seeing the shrink on Oahu I was so distraught over having just lost Bella that every time I'd unload, it helped me to feel lighter. Even during my sessions here at the hospital for the last few weeks, I've been upset that Bella was still off the grid, but it was more important that I continue to work on me, and I always sensed the progress, no matter how slight.
Today, though, I went in with a huge smile on my face like I'd struck gold, and it only took a few minutes before that fucker completely turned the tables on me. He astutely reminded me that just because Bella's accessible right now, it doesn't mean my problems are over— far from it, actually. My insecurities and fears haven't magically vanished though my confidence in my ability to work through them has improved a good deal. That last part was supposed to be the spoonful of honey with his ladle of vinegar. Anyway, it felt like a bucket of ice water was dumped over my head, and now I'm back to moping.
Moping with a raging headache, truly a winning combination.
Arriving at Em's place makes things a bit better. It's nice to get spoiled with home-cooked meals again. I've been living off crap for the last week since I moved out of their guest room and into the BOQ. And Rose's double-decker BLT's and homemade turkey soup are hitting the spot right now.
"So, she's been here the whole time?" Rose questions, filling my bowl with a second helping chock full of chunks of turkey, carrots, celery, barley and broth. "It's crazy that they didn't have her email account working yet. I wonder if it's up now."
I shrug, cramming another chunk of sandwich into my mouth.
Emmett answers while I'm chewing. "I think it's awesome. Aside from whatever miracles you can pull outta your ass for the two of you, Riley's gonna be over the moon to know Bella's here to help out with Kalia."
I chug some lemonade, trying to ignore the first part of his retort and clear my throat. "Yeah, he sounded happy enough in his email. Of course that was after he told me I was lucky she didn't shoot me in the head first."
Rosalie and Emmett burst out laughing, and I can't help but chuckle along with them. Riley certainly has a way of putting things into perspective. It'll be great to have him with us again. All of our PCS dates so close to Nalani's death ended up even more of a recipe for disaster, as if her death alone wasn't unbearable enough. We've all expressed wanting be there for him as he navigates this lonely road while doing his best to raise Kalia. He'd go to hell and back for that little girl, but with us by his side, I hope it'll make the trip a little less painful.
"Well, I hate to eat and run, but I need to go home and practice my speech."
My announcement results in the proverbial record needle scratching as silence immediately descends. Emmett and Rosalie's eyebrows rise to their hairlines.
"Rehearse your speech?" Rosalie speaks first, I think Emmett is frozen. "Oh honey, you're not going to get anywhere with rehearsed speeches if you're trying to win back Bella."
"Well, it's not like a State of the Union or anything, but I need to remind myself of what the hell I'm going to say to her."
"Please tell me you're not going to use index cards," Emmett pipes up, licking an escaped glob of mayonnaise off his finger.
I wad up my napkin and throw it at him. "No, you idiot, I don't have index cards," I spit back at him while berating myself for buying the multi-colored pack in order to address all our issues in a logical outline.
It made sense at the time. Still does; what the hell does Emmett know?
Rose squeezes my arm as I grab my cover and keys from the kitchen counter.
"You bought the hundred-pack, didn't you?" Emmett chides behind my back as I head for the door, my middle finger flashing tall and proud above my shoulder.
"I know you both have a lot to work out." She purses her lips and nods. "Just tell her what's on your heart. You can't go wrong with the truth."
^^TotS^^
After showering and getting ready to settle in for the night, I open up my Facebook account to see several pictures of Bailyn heading off to her first day of preschool. It's like a wedding album. Bailyn next to the tree. Bailyn and Lauren next to the tree. Bailyn and my mom next to the tree. Bailyn, Lauren and my mom next to the tree. Good grief. These ladies kill me.
Sue me. I'm a guy. Give me one good shot of my niece wearing her backpack and I'm good. This is what I consider overboard.
There's a little number eleven up at the top of my page, so I click on it for the hell of it.
Riley Biers accepted your friend request.
Riley Biers wrote on your wall. I highlight that sentence and it takes me to my page where I see:
Welcome to the land of the living, brother! Next thing you know, you'll buy these special machines called VCRs! They play extra-large cassette tapes of movies in your own home! Totally freaky! You're gonna love it.
Typical Riley. I also see a message under that one from my sister.
Do my eyes deceive me? Call the cops and look out for flying pigs…my brother's on Facebook!
Oh, these people have jokes. I continue to read on.
Lauren Masen Yorkie poked you. What the fuck?
Lauren Masen Yorkie invited you to play Candy Crush. What the hell is a candy crush? A game? I think not.
Lauren Masen Yorkie tagged you in her album, "Summer Vacation 2012."
Isabella Swan Newton accepted your friend request. Write on Isabella's timeline.
I feel my heart rate pick up a little as I decide to search for her again. There's nothing but game requests and nonsense cluttering my page, welcome gifts from my sister apparently.
Bella's personal page doesn't reveal anything except that I get to see her little thumbnail and cover photo. I smile when I see her profile picture of Rapunzel gazing out the window of her tower. It's the cover photo that makes a profound statement, though. Someone's scribbled penmanship on a page with these words:
Live the life you want to live. Never be ashamed of anything. Make decisions, make mistakes.
If you fall, at least you fell because you tried; no regret. It's life...
Sounds exactly like the Bella I met and fell in love with back at the beginning of our vacation.
I continue to scope out her home page and see that she has over two hundred friends. Most of the names and pictures are of guys. I grit my teeth and move on from there. No sense in getting worked up over that right now. Her biography of sorts lists all the things I already know about her: where she grew up, where she attended school, favorite books and movies. She has several albums of photos. At first glance, the albums seem to have pictures from different social functions. I only find one picture of her and Mike. Her hair is much shorter and even a bit lighter. It looks like they're sitting in a booth at a restaurant. I can't help but note the twinkle in her eyes. I'm glad he made her feel that way. I wish I had evidence of how I might've made her look in photos. When she smiled at me during the height of our happy times, I think she had that same sparkle.
It really sucks that I don't have a picture to prove it, though.
I see that she didn't post any pictures from Hawaii. Either she hasn't had time or it's not memorable enough to share with her family and friends online. I'm not even gonna go there. My brain already has too many theories swirling around; I need another thing to stew on like I need a hole in the head.
Just as I'm ready to sign off, a red alert goes off above the little message bubble icon. I click on it and find a message from Bella.
Hey there. I was happy to see you on Facebook earlier this evening. I looked for you there last month and couldn't find you, but I see that you just set up an account today. Welcome to 2012. ;)
I'm looking forward to tomorrow evening. I hope the last couple of days have gone well for you. I'm definitely ready for the weekend. My kids in school have been nuts, I think there's a full moon tomorrow. It would explain a lot.
Anyway, I'll see you at 7 if that's still okay for you. Let me know if you need directions again. Oh, and I finally got myself over to the PX and bought a cell phone.
I re-read her message at least four times before I copy down her cell number and put my cursor in the box to respond.
Synapses are firing and my brain is going a mile a minute trying to think of something cool, yet witty, yet sincere, yet un…dumb. Yes, let's be undumb, shall we?
I roll my eyes at my spectacular stupidity and start typing.
Hi! Thanks for accepting my friendship on here. I have to admit, I really don't have a clue what I'm doing, but Lauren's been begging me to get an account for a couple of years now, so I figured I'd take the plunge.
Riley let Kalia set up an account last week after her birthday. I'm not sure if you guys are Facebook "friends" yet. Just figured I'd let you know. She's going to be over the moon to hear that you're stationed on Okinawa, too.
Well, I'll keep this short since we're going to see each other tomorrow evening. I remember where you said you live. Since I'm going for total honesty these days, I actually did a drive-by of your place this evening. If it's the building I think it is, you do have an awesome view. I know how much you love the beach. I'm glad you found something that makes you happy.
Here's my cell number as well as my land line in the BOQ. See you tomorrow night.
It takes a solid twenty minutes and at least a dozen re-reads before I'm confident enough to send the message. It's all well and good that I can try to rehearse my big speech or have several rough drafts before I send my email to her, but tomorrow night it's show time.
It may not come out perfectly, but it'll be from my heart. I guess that's all that matters in the end.
^^TotS^^
I roll my neck and chew my eighth Tic-Tac as I walk up the stairs to Bella's apartment. She has a welcome mat in front of her door and a small potted plant on a stand in the corner of the landing. There's a ladybug decoration that's poking out of the planter which says, "Every Buggie's Welcome." It screams Bella and her ridiculously adorable personality.
I took a big leap and left my index cards in the car. I swear, studying them all day long didn't help at all. I don't know why, though. I used to ace tests in high school and college using that same method. I would just read the notes on my index cards as often as possible throughout the day, and it sank it by the time I needed to put it down on paper. Back then, hell yeah, I wanted to pass the test. My anal-retentiveness hasn't changed over the years, I'm still an over-achiever with a 4.0.
Right now, though, I feel like this test is a matter of life or death. Can I go on living if I don't have Bella by my side? Yeah, I'm sure I can. I survived the last six weeks without her, I hated it, but I did it…but do I want to? Do I want to live one more fucking day without having her next to me? No, I don't. Not ever again.
Now, I just have to convince her of this and hope to God she feels the same way.
I knock three times and wait before hearing her yell a muffled, "Just a sec!"
The door flings open and my stomach flips in that instant. Goddamn. Just the sight of her seems too good to be true since I've been without her for so long. She's the epitome of beauty in simple dark jeans and a red sleeveless blouse. Her smile is shy, but her eyes sparkle, and that alone thrills me.
"Hey."
"Hi." I step forward on her welcome mat as she pulls the door wide. "How ya doin'?"
She tucks a wisp of hair behind her ears with a nod. "I'm good. Thanks for coming." She jerks her head to the side. "Come on in."
I walk into the entryway and pause as she passes to lead me into her home. I follow her into her kitchen and living area as she takes a position on the opposite side of the island.
"You found the place okay?"
"Yeah, like I said, I did a drive-by yesterday." I glance over my shoulders. "Your home looks great, congratulations."
Her eyes widen. "Oh, yeah, do you want the fifty-cent tour?" She raises her arms. "This is the kitchen," she giggles and comes around toward her sofa. "Here, you have the living room."
She spins toward the back corner of the apartment with her arm extended and pointing. "This is my room, and it has a bathroom attached." I don't go in to investigate; it feels off. We're not there yet. Back to awkward beginnings. I may as well be bleeding from the nose again.
"There's another bedroom over here and a bathroom in the front hallway." She shrugs as the short tour comes to an end. "I know I told you before, but the view from the balcony is the best part," she boasts, leading me toward the sliding glass doors as we step out. "You know how I love staring at the ocean…sea in this case."
"The BOQ is perched on a hill overlooking the water. I lucked out and have a great view of the East China Sea, too. But this," I pause taking in the scene, the vision of Bella alone enough to stop me in my tracks, "it's beautiful. I'm glad they found you such a fantastic place," I remark as she turns to face me. "You deserve it."
"Thanks."
We walk back inside toward her kitchen and my eyes land on the shopping bag I left on the island.
"Oh, this is for you." I dig my hand in, pull out the small, wooden crate and push it across the Formica counter with a smile.
"Clementines?" she gasps. "How? Where—"
"I ran into the commissary at lunch to grab a sandwich and y'know," I throw my hand out, waving it at the imaginary grocery items, "well, the produce section is right there. A guy was putting them out on a display shelf."
She covers her chest with crossed palms.
"I couldn't pass them up. I know how badly you were waiting for them to be sold in stores again." I shrug. "I guess Japan got a hold of some right before the official kick-off of their peak season."
It looks like she's chewing on the inside of her cheek before responding. "Thank you," she whispers. "That was incredibly sweet of you."
I nod and tap the counter twice. "Hopefully, they'll be sweeter."
We smile wordlessly for a few seconds before she snaps us out of it. "Dinner's just about ready."
"Can I help with anything?"
She slips her oven mitts on, shaking her head. "Nah, just make yourself comfortable. Or, you could pour us the wine right there."
"Sure."
I fill our wine glasses as she brings serving bowls of mashed potatoes, broccoli, and gravy to the table. After dishing the steaks, I pull a chair out for her and take my seat across from her.
"This looks great. Thanks again for having me."
"You're welcome," she says quietly, holding up her wine glass. "A toast?"
I quickly follow suit and hold mine up as well. We find ourselves in another silent gaze-lock. What can we toast to? What's appropriate?
Bella clears her throat. "To umm— to a lovely view?"
I look down with a smile, the double meaning of her words inescapable. When my eyes find hers again, my breath catches in my throat as I stare back at her chocolate pearls.
"The best."
^^TotS^^
We're both pretty quiet during dinner. Exchanging glances from time to time, mostly concentrating on our plates though. I inhale my food in record time because I can't stand the awkward silence. This isn't us. At least— it didn't used to be. Getting things out in the open is the only way to start clearing the air and hoping for some sense of normalcy between us…if there can be an "us."
Bella finishes her plate pretty quickly as well. She usually takes her time and has to microwave what she's eating halfway through the meal. I always used to tease her that she doesn't just eat…she dines.
I don't question her new found rapid pace but instead help to clear the table when it's obvious we're both ready to move onto the real reason I'm here tonight. After putting away the leftovers and cleaning up in the kitchen, we both grab our wine glasses and I follow her into the living room.
"If I didn't care about embarrassing myself, I probably would've finished off that gravy by drinking directly from the bowl." I chuckle and shake my head as I sit down on the couch. "It was delicious."
"It's a bordelaise recipe I got from a friend. That coupled with the rub made a pretty nice combination for the steak," she says, tucking her legs underneath her as she gets comfortable a couple of feet away from me on the sofa. "I'm glad you liked it. But you don't need to worry about embarrassing yourself you know."
I gulp down the last bit of wine listening to her honesty.
"It's just me…just us," she says quietly, unsure.
Here we go. Just us. The in I was waiting for.
I take a deep breath and rub my hands up and down my jeans a few times before facing her. "Okay, I have to start talking and get some stuff off my chest. As much as I loved dinner and seeing your place, being in your presence for the last hour has been painful…like I'm physically aching because all I want to do is hold you, but you deserve way more than just a physical touch, and I guess I do, too."
Bella's eyes widen and her instantly-drained wine glass joins mine on the coffee table before she turns to give me her full attention. She looks almost sheepish. "I know and I'm sorry. Maybe dinner wasn't such a great idea. I don't—" she stammers and looks away for a moment. "I didn't know how to broach the topic, or even how to get you here without sounding unrealistic."
I get it, I really do. Short of exactly what happened two nights ago, how else would we have ever truly approached each other if I just haphazardly ran into her in the PX one day or in an Aeon? This isn't some Hollywood romance where everything aligns perfectly; the crowd parts and we see each other across the room and run into each other's arms.
"I don't really know how to begin here except to say I'm profoundly sorry."
"I should be saying sorry, too. The fault doesn't solely lie with you, Edward."
"Well, thank you for that...but I feel like the weight of the issue starts with me."
I get right into recounting the zombie state I was in after she walked out and for the days that followed. I tell her how ashamed I was to need Riley's ass-kicking to at least snap me out of the initial heartache.
I find her smiling, playing with her nails at one point.
"What?"
"I'm just glad to see that Riley didn't follow through with his threat to put you in traction with two broken legs."
I snort. "Yeah, well, if there's such a thing as verbal traction, then he definitely put me there. He did, Emmett and Rosalie did, my mother did…Bailyn did," I shake my head remembering all the tongue lashings I received. "I had a bull's eye on my chest and every able-bodied person in the western hemisphere took aim."
She purses her lips with a bit of an eye roll. "I kinda got an earful from my mom, too."
I'm shocked to hear her mother had some choice words for her. I'll be interested to hear what came of that talk. I continue to explain what went on during my remaining time at Kaneohe.
"I started seeing someone."
Bella's eyes pop out of her head, and I sit straight up realizing how that sounded to her.
"God, NO! Shit, I meant I started seeing a therapist, a counselor…professionally." Our shoulders sag in relief as I clarify my flub. "I haven't…I mean I can't," I stutter, "I don't even want to…"
She puts her hand on mine to calm my crazed rambling. "I know. Me either."
I go on to tell her about my therapy sessions— at least the parts I feel comfortable sharing— then I tell her how I extended my stay in Hawaii.
"I just crashed on Riley's couch for the next ten days. I figured he and Kalia needed me more than my mom and sister did. And they understood. My mom actually encouraged it after hearing how desolate I was and knowing Riley was desperate and grieving."
"So, you told her I'd left before…"
I nod. "I told them the day after Riley flipped out on me. I figured I was safer from bodily harm if my family had a decent amount of time to get used to the idea that you wouldn't be joining me in California."
"I'm sorry," she murmurs.
"Well, you needed to do what was best for you." I pick at the small fraying patch on the seam of my jeans. "And trying to put on a brave face and a show for the sake of my family would've been ludicrous. I get that."
"Were they angry?"
"I think they were sad and frustrated. They could tell how close I was to making a change in my life. And when I let it— you— slip through my fingers…well…I've never let anyone in like that, and they knew it, and it made them sad…hell, it made me sad!"
"I'm sorry that you had to break Bailyn's heart. I feel like I let her down so terribly." Bella's eyes fill up quickly and a tear spills over the edge before she has a chance to swipe it away.
I reach out and grasp her hand, rolling the shell ring on her middle finger between my fingers.
"That was a really shitty thing for me to say the other night. I was angry and caught off guard, and you didn't deserve it."
"Yeah, but it was true," she croaks, reaching for a tissue on the coffee table. "I know I hurt you, too, Edward. Even though you pulled away from me after that first CACO call and then further after Nalani died…I had a veil over my heart to an extent, and it wasn't fair of me to act as if I was the only injured party."
My brows furrow as I swallow tightly not knowing where she's going with this. "What do you mean?"
"It took a long heart-to-heart talk with my mom and several weeks of reflection to realize that I was unfair to you. Asking you to change, I mean not for me, but for you, then wanting you to morph into this person that I thought you could be. I mean yeah, I hear you saying that you wanted to be that person for me, and I didn't force you to do it…but while you were transforming yourself, whether it was by my influence or not, I never truly opened up and jumped in with both feet the way you did." She wipes her nose again and re-tucks her hair behind her ear. "I should've invited you to meet my family. I should have put more faith in your declarations about visiting each other, about making the distance work for us." She pulls her hand back and wraps her arms across her chest. "I spent that entire vacation with one foot out the door because I was scared. And if I was truly the gutsy person I claimed to be, I would've been all in with you from the start, but I didn't fully trust you…or us." Her voice gets more and more strained as she speaks. "I fell for you so hard, the things I felt for you— FEEL for you— they scared the crap out of me! I loved Mike to pieces and burying him and my baby were the hardest things I've ever had to do, but after leaving you…I didn't think my heart could take it another day." Her eyes well up again. "Endless, endless pools of tears drained from my eyes because I was certain I walked out on the best thing that has ever, or will ever happen to me!" She drags in a shuddery breath. "It's just that when I saw you pulling away from me, I just couldn't be the one who got left behind again. I'm not as brave as you think I am."
At this revelation she dissolves into tears, and I'm totally shell-shocked. I mean, Jesus, I never expected her to admit all of that. Of course my feelings were hurt that she didn't reciprocate the invitation to meet her family, but I always thought it was because I needed to prove myself more, not because at the core she was still fearful of a greater loss.
"Bella."
"I'm SO sorry, Edward." Hiccups, sniffles, gasps. "I asked you to do th— things I, myself wasn't ready to do."
Oh boy. She's getting ramped up.
She jumps up from the couch and starts dragging her fingers through her hair. "I left you kneeling on the floor, holding a fucking Disney movie because I was too scared to stay and fight for you and help you fight for yourself!" Wildly pacing, hiccupping, sniffling, gasping. "Who does that? Who fucking does that?"
I stand up and approach her slowly. I promised myself I wouldn't be the one to try and make a physical move, but we're beyond trying to have a moment of passion; this is about settling her down before she breaks something valuable, like her neck, or worse— her spirit.
"I'm a coward!" she screams. "I buried Mike, I buried my baby and I buried you…even though you pleaded with me to stay! I buried you anyway!"
"Bella," I say again, quietly. She's bent at the waist holding her stomach with both her arms wrapped around her body. She's heaving with sobs, I'm nervous she's going to hyperventilate.
I gently lay my hand on her back and, she falls to her knees. My heart can't stand to watch her torture herself, so I join her on the floor. I pull at her arms so that she'll let me hold her and thankfully, she does. After collapsing into my chest, her body seems to meld into mine and I just embrace her, rubbing her back, not saying a word.
What is there to say right now? I know how tortured I was, but hearing how this has devastated her makes me sick to my stomach. To think of the things I accused her of when I was so hurt and angry…Jesus, are we a pair.
At least five minutes pass before her wailing subsides and she's able to lift her head off my chest. My shirt is soaked through, but I couldn't care less. I have Bella's tears on me; it's like a baptism.
Maybe we've broken through a barrier, and we're ready to start something new.
"Bella, can you look at me?" I swallow the lump that's suddenly gotten stuck there. Her glassy, red-rimmed eyes focus on mine as she steadies her breathing.
"My heart aches to hear how my purposeful absence- even though I was still there- brought up all of those awful and painful memories for you. I was an ass but I was so scared. I know it's not an excuse, but it was a very real fear I was wrestling with. But I'm sorry…Christ, I'm so sorry." My voice is strangled with heavy emotion.
She nods, wiping her palms across her cheeks and wringing her hands as she waits to hear the rest of what I have to say.
"And yeah, I've come across a ton of terrible stuff in my life, in my career, but nothing— not a thing that I've dealt with can ever approximate the pain and fear I have at the thought of not having you next to me for the rest of my life." She straightens her posture a bit and I press on through my ultimate confession. "I've felt like a ship without a port for the last month and a half, and I can't even wrap my head around the concept of never being able to come home. Because in those two months that we spent together, I'd never had more of a sense of home than when you were there by my side." My eyes fill hearing my honesty. "The fear of losing you to the 'what ifs' in life is nothing compared to watching you walk out my door and losing every chance at happiness I suddenly thought I'd found."
She tilts her head to the side as some more tears run down her gorgeous face.
"I mean it, Bella. I know we need time. I know we jumped in feet first while we were on vacation, and though it was awesome, maybe it wasn't enough reality," I sigh. "But I want to get back there. Or at least to a real life, every-day version of 'there.' Because I— I want it all with you, I mean…you're my new dream."
Mhmm, I said it. I quoted Flynn Rider. Before I have a chance to backtrack over my cheesy line, she answers in the best way possible.
"And you're mine."
^^TotS^^
Hours later we've found ourselves back up on the couch talking, laughing, and crying a little bit more. I high-fived her after hearing how she told off Alice and hugged her again when she got teary-eyed thinking about missing Jasper and the Alice she used to know.
I told her how Pops confessed his and Gran's love story. We may as well have been watching another fairy tale for all the "aww"ing she did. And even though it was frustrating as hell while I was in the middle of it all, we had a few laughs hearing about me running around like a madman trying to track her down in Korea. She said she's even thinking about emailing her former principal to thank her for protecting her, even if it was from me.
It's been a night of revelations and break-throughs. More than I could've hoped for. We talked about my family and hers. We discussed the loss of Nalani and how we'll do our very best to help Riley and Kalia cope.
I really feel like she knows what has scared me for so long and what I'm battling against these days. She's proud of me for the steps I've taken to stay on top of my therapy and she's beyond thankful that there's very little chance that I'll have to do another CACO call anytime soon. I've always taken pride in my additional duties, but if I never have to knock on another stranger's door delivering the worst kind of news, it wouldn't break my heart in the least.
And now that Bella's allowed herself to be vulnerable to me, now that I know how scared she is of losing me, too, we seem to be on equal footing to start off on this new and improved journey together.
I look at my watch and see that it's after midnight. I could stay here talking to her forever, but we need to keep our heads and clothes on, and if I stay much longer, there's a distinct possibility we could lose one or more of the above.
I lean forward on my thighs and meet her gaze. "It's late. I should get going."
She looks over at her microwave and her jaw drops. "Oh, my God, I had no idea it was even past ten!" She smiles, looking down. "I know we've had some great nights together, but this one ranks up there, you know? Letting me inside your head and your heart…just…thank you."
I grab my keys from the counter and turn toward her. "You should've had the invitation months ago. Sorry I let it get lost in the mail."
She snorts, adorably, muttering. "That damn postal service."
"What are you doing for the rest of the weekend?"
"Oh, umm, Siobhan, my sponsor, invited me to her house for dinner on Sunday. Tomorrow I was thinking about checking out a couple of hundred yen stores and maybe wandering through the Kadena BX and commissary. I hear the Air Force has it made up there."
"HA!" I can't help the bark that escapes. "You have no idea. The Marine Corps is the red-headed step child of the military…we get the leftovers."
"Wanna join me?"
"You mean walk around the Kadena facilities and pout over how crappy we have it down at Kinser?"
She giggles, nodding. "Yeah."
"I'd love to. Just gimme a call and we can meet over there…or I'll pick you up, whatever works."
"Okay, sounds good," she says softly, stepping forward and wrapping her arms around me in a tight hug.
Like two puzzles pieces, we come together perfectly once again. My heart finds its steady beat with Bella back in my arms where I know she belongs. Enveloped in each other's arms we stand there, wordlessly, appreciating the second chances we're giving each other and ourselves.
Home.
I pull back first before blood starts rushing south and things become inappropriate. There's no way I'd ever act on it, but I'm still holding the kindest, most intelligent and loving, sexiest woman on the planet. I'm completely in love with this girl…but nature can still get the better of me if I'm not careful.
"Thank you for tonight. It wasn't easy, but I'm glad we did it."
Her head is tilted up and I find myself getting lost in her eyes again. "Me too." She stands on her tip toes and presses her incredibly soft lips to the corner of my mouth. I close my eyes for that brief moment, relishing her warm skin and sweet breath so close to mine again. "I'll see you tomorrow, Major." Her whispered term of endearment has my heart beating wildly and the fucking butterflies are back. I love it.
She opens the door for me, and I step out onto the landing. "Oh, and thanks for the care package you brought. It was really thoughtful."
"My pleasure," I whisper and wink. "Sweet dreams, Clementine."
Military & Japanese terms:
PFT- physical fitness test
"hit the rack" - Marine Corps-speak for going to bed.
"in your grape" - Marine Corps-speak for in your head.
PT- physical training
BOQ - bachelor officer's quarters (where Edward lives)
O'Club - Officer's Club - usually offers lunch and dinner on a daily basis for officers and their guests.
OPSEC - Operational Security - the imperative policy in which you don't publicly advertise where you're going or what you're doing. You never know who could be listening and paying attention. For example, a Marine would never (or should never) strike up a conversation with a stranger and answer all sorts of nosy questions about who they are, where they're stationed, what they do on a daily basis, if they're being deployed, etc. It's just street-smarts. If that type of information inadvertently got into the hands of dangerous people, then you've paved a clearer path for them to know how best to "attack", if you will, during your weakest times/places, etc.
"Eagle, globe and anchor" - or "EGA"; the Marine Corps' emblem and insignia.
Aeon - the Japanese version of a mall. Usually has a large grocery store on the ground floor, restaurants throughout, smaller vendor's stores and several levels of a department store or two.
Kadena BX - Kadena Air Force Base on Okinawa. The BX is the same thing as a Marine Corps' PX. BX stands for base exchange where they might sell everything from furniture and electronics down to clothing and bars of soap.
commissary - base grocery store
Hundred Yen Store - Japanese equivalent of our dollar stores. Lots of fun treasures to be found in these places!
A/N: Lots of love and thanks to the members of Team Cabana who come together to make this story all shiny and pretty. And to my Major for his technical advice and ensuring my terminology is always correct. He'll be gone soon, deploying to work with the NSA for the next year, and our communication for chapter accuracy will only exist via email from here on out. Say a prayer for the babies and I while we're separated from our favorite Major Dad! Such is life in the military! I have a license plate frame which I'll never actually put on my car because I, you know, go to church and have parents and stuff, LOL...but it says: "Military spouse: Sexually deprived for your freedom." Ain't it the truth! ;)
I've started working on the next chapter, but things will be a little tight again for the next update. My little guy is turning 7 years old next week, so we have his birthday party to prepare for and execute, as well as our final ten days before the hubs leaves. I promise I'll try for two weeks, but if I'm a little later than that, hang tight!
Much love to all my readers and reviewers. Your support and kindness mean so much. I always love to hear your thoughts and theories.
xo, Jen