A/N:
Alright guys... TRIGGER WARNING for self harm in this chapter. Not too graphic, but I did want to let you know before you started reading. I dedicate this chapter to my sister, who is no longer in my life. She started self harming about 13 years ago and it tears me apart that she felt like that at 18 years old and undoubtedly still does as an adult.
If you or someone you love is suffering, please reach out to them. If they let you in, fantastic. Be a friend and be there. If they close down and shut you out, they know that the offer is there if (and when) they're ready to talk.
You are never alone. My inbox is always open.
Love you guys.
CitrineMama
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Her heart was pounding in her chest. She'd had enough.
Of everything.
There was too much information and secrets dumped on her in the last four weeks to last her a fuckin' lifetime. This hunt the boys and Riley were coming back from did her in; the boys were arguing nonstop since they'd left the bunker yesterday morning and Riley left them in the war room behind her. She wasn't exactly sure why there was so much tension between them lately and neither one wanted to talk about it.
The brunette slipped into the bathroom, still reeling from the couple of close calls on her first hunt, closing the door softly behind her. Sam had saved her ass at the last minute and for some reason, Dean was angry and brooding and they'd bitched at one another all the way back to the car, to the motel while they packed their things and continued that argument on the ride home to the bunker.
In the backseat, Riley had sat hunched over for the ride home, tears stinging her eyes and her hands over her ears, trying to block the two men out. Her chest was tight and her heart was pounding, a panic attack on the horizon. Neither man seemed to notice the effect their constant turmoil was having on her, not even Sam.
After closing the bathroom door firmly behind her, she'd gone through the cabinet behind the mirror in their shared bathroom, finding what she was looking for almost immediately. Her hands were shaking and she just wanted to stop feeling like this.
She'd been clean for so long, but something inside her snapped.
It felt both familiar and foreign, the sharp sting of the cold metal razor across the sensitive skin on her wrist. Her chocolate eyes watched the crimson beads well up before she made another cut, a little deeper this time. Blood trickled down to her forearm and she sank down on the edge of the tub, mesmorized by the cool air hitting and chilling the thin red river against her pale skin.
Another cut.
Another.
One more.
The warmth dripped down off her elbow and onto the tiled floor in the all white bathroom. She barely flinched as she sat there, the porcelin tub chilling her thighs right through her jeans. All Riley could hear was a rushing in her ears. Her adrenaline was running at a full high and she didn't even hear her name being called, the sharp knock on the door or even it opening.
All at once, the blade slipped from her fingers as she was yanked to her feet by a pair of warm calloused hands. "Sonovabitch." He growled softly and Riley blinked back the tears she didn't even know were spilling over.
Dean.
The hot water turned on then and she felt him tug her toward to the sink to rinse her arm off under the water before cranking the tap back off, pressing the beige handtowel on the counter top to the underside of her wrist firmly. He didn't say anything.
Didn't scold her.
Didn't ask her why.
Didn't even yell for his brother.
Dean just left her standing there for a moment to close the bathroom door and lock it to ensure privacy before crossing the bathroom to tend to Riley's wounds.
It was completely and utterly silent and she could feel her own heartbeat in her ears.
Dean pulled open the cabinet she'd opened a few moments prior and pulled a brown bottle down, unscrewing the white cap. Her eyes closed at the familiar sting of peroxide against her flesh before she felt Dean blotting the area gently, his studious gaze asessing her skin. He pressed the heel of his hand against the perfect slices, his warm fingers wrapping her wrist. Her blood was on his hands and Dean didn't even flinch at that, just continued to hold pressure to stop the bleeding.
She couldn't help but to stare at his face as he maintained the firm pressure, not meeting her eyes. He checked to see if she would need stitches before reaching for some gauze and tape in the drawer. He tore the tape with his teeth, holding the makeshift dressing in place with his thumb. Dean took care as he worked, his touch firm, but gentle.
Freckles.
Dean had freckles across his nose and cheeks that'd she'd never noticed before now. Riley realized this was the closest she'd ever been to him. His clear green eyes finally moved from her left wrist to her ashamed gaze. Still, Dean said nothing and he just stared at the brunette for a few seconds, gauging her sense of mind. Her breath was coming in little pants and he undoubtedly noticed that too.
He left her side momentarily to wipe her blood off the tiled floor near the tub with a disinfectant wipe and moved to clean out the sink as well. He tossed the wipe into the trashcan before washing his hands. Dean wiped them off on his shirt instead of the bloody handtowel. He tossed that in the trashcan too. "We're going for a drive." Was all the hunter said.
He carefully tugged down her flannel sleeve over the dressing and buttoned it. His fingers linked into hers before he unlocked and opened the bathroom door. He led her down the hallway towards the war room. "Sammy? We're going for a drive. We'll be back after a bit." Dean called into the kitchen as they passed by, heading towards the garage.
Once there, he opened the passenger door for her and she slid in numbly. The familiar purr of the engine made her relax a bit and he pulled out, heading towards the main road. Her eyes were downcast on her lap, her shoulders tensed up and a knot in her stomach, just waiting for him to explode on her.
Still, Dean said nothing.
A half hour later, they came upon an ice cream stand and he pulled in and backed into a spot where they were facing the building. There were people everywhere on the warm summer evening and he'd chosen a perfect spot to people watch. "Stay here." She nodded as he got out and crossed the gravel lot. He returned a few minutes later with two milkshakes. "Strawberry or chocolate?"
"Strawberry." Her voice was shy and he handed her the cup through his window before he opened the driver side door with his free hand.
Dean closed his door and settled back, taking a sip of his shake, his eyes on the group of teenagers ordering at the window. "I understand why you did what you did."
That was the last thing Riley thought would come out of his mouth.
"I'm so tired." Was all she could whisper.
He sipped his shaked through his straw. "Yeah, I know the feeling," Pause. "I don't ever," Dean turned and his bright green eyes focused on hers. "Ever want you to do that again." Her chest heaved once as she held in a sob. "I couldn't take it if something happened to you, Riley." That was the last thing she expected to come out of his mouth.
She must have looked at him like he had three heads because he smirked before his gaze shifted from her to the windshield again, sipping on his chocolate shake. "I care about you, Ry. Dont act surprised."
So many times, she'd felt like she'd been in the way of the boys, even though she helped with research and whatever they needed. The brunette sipped on her shake, barely tasting it. "Are you mad at me?"
"Why would I be mad?" Dean sounded surprised at her question.
She shrugged somewhat sadly, avoiding his eyes again. "Are you gonna tell Sam?"
Beside her, the hunter shifted in the driver's seat. "What happened tonight is between me and you." Dean paused, gaining her full attention, his gaze still on the brunette. "Hey Ry?"
"Yeah?" Riley's voice was getting softer and softer. Her eyes dropped again to her shake, her trembling hand stirring the light pink ice cream with her straw.
"I know you've been through some tough crap. I get it. I'm not gonna sit here and preach to you about how wrong it is and how no one should ever feel that way." That made the brunette meet his intense gaze again. "Because the truth is, we've all felt that way. Like we've got no other choice."
Riley reached up to wipe a tear back. She didn't expect such a heartfelt confession from the man next to her. "Sweetheart?" Her eyes were welled up again. "If you ever feel that way again, please come to me. I don't care what time it is or what I'm in the middle of... just come to me. We don't even have to talk about it if you don't wanna." Dean paused. "Promise me."
"I promise." Her whisper was somewhat hoarse.
"Good." They finished their milkshakes and Dean got out to throw away their cups.
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