Castiel looked up from where he sat in the small wooden chair in the corner of Riley's bedroom. His hand raised towards the door and the locked clicked and the door opened quietly as he sensed the younger Winchester's presence. Sam stood there, his hand in a raised fist, poised to knock. "Cas." For some reason, he almost felt surprised that Castiel had known he was there.
"You wish to speak to Riley. About Dean?" His quiet voice made Sam give a single nod. "I will be right outside." He crossed the room silently, the door closing softly behind him.
Sam sat down carefully on the side of Riley's bed and spoke softly. "Ry?" She startled awake with a whimper and her wide eyes met Sam's before she sat up, gasping for breath. His strong arms came around her shoulders and she trembled against him, her heart thudding wildly in her chest. Sam held her while her breathing slowed and he felt the gentle tug on his flannel as she wiped her eyes on the soft cotton. "You okay?" His question was rhetorical, but the brunette answered him anyway.
"Sam, I am so far from okay."
Sam frowned. "Dean... He wants to talk to you." He felt Riley push him away from her and untangle her legs from the warm blanket she was cocooned in, moving to dangle them off the side of her bed. She sat there for a moment while the dizziness faded some before she rose on shaky legs and turned to glare at Sam.
"No. I'm leaving." The finality in Riley's tone deflated Sam's hopes some and he knew deep down that if he lost Riley, he'd lose his brother too.
"Not tonight." It wasn't an option.
Riley threw up her hands, exasperated. "What? Am I a fucking prisoner here? Again?" Her eyes had darkened some and she watched the man sitting at the side of her bed work through whatever was going on behind his hazel eyes. A pregnant pause followed and Riley didn't regret what she'd just said; it was how she felt and this time, she was going to trust her gut.
Run, run like hell and never look back. Everyone just ended up getting yanked out of her life anyways, so why in the hell would she have thought this arrangement would have been any different?
Sam's eyes closed for a few seconds. "This is your home, Riley."
"I won't stay here if he's here, Sam."
"Look," He paused before he spoke the words he couldn't take back. "I know what happened at the hotel." Riley flushed with anger and embarrassment, her eyes moving to the floor. "I can't even imagine how betrayed you feel." Pause. "But Cas showed Dean... what happened..." That made her eyes close as she imagined the angel touching his forehead, showing Dean the awful events from the night before. "He wants to talk to you."
"No." She shook her head adamantly. "I can't. I won't. I don't wanna be anywhere near him." That made Sam frown. "I don't wanna talk to him. I don't wanna be alone with him." Riley sounded scared and angry. "No, Sam." Her angry outburst and prisoner reference were quickly sidelined by her blatant fear and distrust of his brother right now and Sam didn't want to push her much further.
"You know that wasn't Dean..." The hurt in her eyes made Sam sigh defeatedly. "Will you let him talk to you if I stay? Or Cas?" Sam sighed softly when a fresh set of tears spilled down her cheeks. "Ry, please. Just give him a few minutes." He could tell she was very close to giving in to his request. Riley sank onto the edge of her bed next to Sam.
"I'm so tired." There was Dean's excuse, coming from her lips.
His heavy arm came around her shoulders, hugging her close to him. "I know, honey."
"Not today. I just wanna sleep... for like three days."
"Will you talk to him though? In a few days?" Riley didn't answer. "Will you at least think about talking to Dean?"
"I don't even wanna hear his name right now." Her voice broke and she closed her eyes when she felt Sam press a kiss to her temple. "Castiel still here?"
"I'm here." His monotone voice was on the other side of her bedroom door. Sam felt her relax. She nodded.
"You want something to eat?" His hopeful tone made her smile the tiniest bit.
"Maybe some toast."
"You got it. I'll be back in a few minutes." Sam got up and left her bedroom, Castiel breezing back inside, taking a seat on his post. Sam returned a moment later, two slices of buttered toast on a ceramic plate in one hand and a glass of orange juice in the other. She accepted both and set the beverage on her nightstand. "If you need anything, let me know." Sam nodded to Castiel, silently thanking him before exiting Riley's bedroom.
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Sam walked back down to the dungeon where Dean was. He'd refused to leave the room after he'd been cured. "Dean?"
The older man was pacing the floor, his bootfalls echoing in the room. He stopped when he saw some semblance of regret on the younger Winchester's face. "Is she okay?"His voice was softer now, concern evident and he held his breath, waiting for Sam to confirm.
"She's pretty upset."
"She doesn't wanna see me." His reply was flat and disappointed. Sam didn't say anything and Dean nodded. "I don't blame her, y'know? I fucked up bad. And me being sorry won't change what I did. I crossed a line and I'm not sure I can step back over it this time." Dean struggled to keep the flood of emotions tucked inside his chest. "The darkest parts of me... the ones I struggle to keep inside me... she experienced that firsthand and I wasn't strong enough to keep that ugliness from taking over. This Mark on my arm... it has to go. If I die again, this is gonna happen again. How many times are we gonna let me go dark side and hurt anyone I've ever loved?"
"Dean, I get it. If anyone gets that, it's me."
"But we cured me. So what? This Mark is gonna be my undoing. Me hurting Riley was..." He just shook his head, bitterness lacing his tone. "Me hurting her really tops the fucking list of horrible, unforgivable things I've done." Dean's words hung heavy in the air.
Sam was standing there, unsure of what to say to his brother. He decided to go with honesty, because hell, they had no more secrets now. Everything good or bad was out in the open. "She told me she wanted to leave." His left hand ran through his hair absently, his other hand on his hip, waiting for the explosion he knew was coming.
That made Dean chuckle bitterly. "Again, hm? Because of me. Riley wanted to leave the first damn time because she was scared of me and y'know what, Sam? We did her a fuckin' disservice by talking her outta that and insisting she stay here." He shook his head and plowed on before Sam could get a word in. "She started locking her door at night because she was afraid of the Mark and all the evil it could bring with it. Afraid of me. She told me that, Sam." He stopped pacing for a few seconds, his anger ticking up a few more notches. "Still, I was too fuckin' self centered to just let her walk away and have some normal life like Bobby fought so hard for her to have. The lives she deserves." Dean stopped, his jaw working hard for a few seconds. Sam just waited for him to continue, knowing not to interrupt him now. "I was the one who insisted she stay. I was the selfish bastard who needed her and I'm the one who fuckin' ruined everything."
Sam winced when Dean's anger boiled over and he slung the wooden chair away from the center of the room and towards the concrete bunker wall. It broke into several pieces that scattered like the pieces of his brother's shattered self worth. "Dean, I don't know what to say."
"There's nothing to say."
"She's resting now. Castiel is sitting with her."
Dean smirked. "He's sitting with her so I don't hurt her, you mean."
Sam glared at his brother. "She felt safe with Cas. She didn't ask me to sit there, Dean. She asked him."
"I don't even wanna walk out there."
"You can't just spend the rest of your life in here."
"Well, Riley don't wanna see my face and I don't wanna upset her anymore than she already is." Dean folded his arms over his chest.
Sam rolled his eyes flippantly, done with his brother's self-hatred. "So she's gonna lock herself in her bedroom and you're gonna lock yourself in here. Fucking fantastic." He was pissed off now. "Dean, come out and get a shower and just go to your room. Let me handle Riley." Dean's shoulders relaxed slightly. "Alright? Just please... I need all of us to hold it together here. This hasn't been easy for me either, you know." Sam paused before adding. "I watched both of you fall apart in a matter of a few months. I won't allow it to continue." To his shock, Dean obliged and walked out of the dungeon and Sam followed, turning off the lights and closing the bookshelves.
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Dean headed for the shower after grabbing some clean clothes, turning the water as hot as it would get and he stood in there for a long time, watching the water swirl around the drain by his feet. He briefly wondered how much scalding water and soap it would take to clean the proverbial blood off his hands and the consuming guilt off his soul. Probably the whole fresh water supply on earth, he supposed. Dean put a shaky hand on the cold tiles to his right and his emerald eyes followed the movement.
Riley was just next door in her room and his heart ached for her; Dean wanted so badly to just knock on her door and take her hand, tug on her fingers gently and lead her to his room where they could cuddle in his bed and fall asleep together. But no, he'd fucked that up beyond repair and he had no one to blame but himself. He'd taken on the Mark to conceal the darkness once and for all and this... this was the 'hell of a cost' Cain had warned him about.
Sometimes you have to do a little bad, to do a hell of a lot of good, Bobby's voice rang out in his mind.
Dean closed his eyes. God, Bobby would have his ass dead and buried in the salvage yard if he knew what he'd put Sam and Riley through during the last four months. He'd never finished reading his letter and suddenly, he longed for Bobby's words of wisdom right then. How could Dean make things right after everything had gone so far sideways?
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Hey y'all!
Are things truly beyond repair? Will Riley eventually grant Dean forgiveness and more importantly, will he forgive himself?
So I'm going to try and update on Thursdays, y'know, to help us through the Supernatural drought we're forced to endure until this fall. What do you guys think about that?
Thank you to jennhopp12, SaphyraBlu13, ButterflyAlley and Brie (signed guest) for your reviews! Shoutout to each of you who recently added this story to their alerts and favorites! Your feedback means so much to me. Have a great day!
CitrineMama