Chapter 08 - I can't... I can't do this

Elsa sat in her apartment with her laptop on her lap. A glass of iced water rested on the coffee table. My only perk of this curse. As soon as she thought it she berated herself. There was no perk to this power. The fact she was about to start another session of therapy in a futile attempt to fix her broken state of mind proved it. Her thoughts were interrupted by the call on her laptop.

"Miss Winters," the woman on the video chat greeted Elsa. She gave her a weary smile in return. The name Miss Winters was what Elsa had gone by since leaving home. It primarily helped to disassociate herself from her father's empire and secondly slowed down any attempt her parents had made to track her. Not that it had mattered in the end. She may have been off the radar while bunking with Olaf but the moment they started a joint business and she moved into her own apartment her parents must have been tipped off. After all, she couldn't get around using a fake name for official things. While she had switched back to her old name for most things, in therapy she had always opted to remain anonymous.

"Ms Martinez."

"I trust you've been well this past week."

The two continued exchanging pleasantries. Elsa always began with her professional mask firmly in place during these sessions.

Elsa often wondered why she had ever agreed to have therapy. It was what her parents wanted after all and giving in to them felt like she was betraying herself. But Olaf had been right. As much as she hated it he always was. She did need to let her emotions out somehow. Holding them bottled up inside until they burst out in an uncontrollable storm was not just unhealthy, it was dangerous. Talking to Olaf had been okay for a while but he shouldn't have been expected to take everything and she had already burdened him so much more than was reasonable. It wasn't fair for her not to make an effort on her own to recover from... whatever this was she was suffering from. Guilt? Self-loathing? She wasn't even sure she could describe it anymore.

She owed it to Olaf. She would owe it to Anna if she cared enough to stick around. And Elsa knew Anna really did care enough. Perhaps too much.

"Tell me how you feel this week has gone," Ms Martinez got down to business swiftly and Elsa forced herself to relax back onto her couch. It was a well practiced technique which she was becoming quite proficient at. It was a routine by this point. She began by going over the mundane things. The things at work which challenged her: the meetings and social interactions. It always took half the session of discussion to get it out of her system. She focused on the good things too like she'd been told. Usually Olaf was her high point and she tried to hold at least one nice story in reserve for this moment.

"What of Anna?" Ms Martinez asked. Elsa always grew rigid at the question but the look on her face said more than just nerves. The question had made a regular appearance ever since Elsa admitted to her feelings for Anna. Anna was as much the root to her problems as her powers were; she had learnt that by now.

"Talk to me, Elsa," she prompted with a gentleness which Elsa was unprepared for.

"...Anna showed up at my apartment yesterday." Elsa still wasn't sure why she was putting herself through this. Every muscle was tense.

Don't feel. Don't feel -

"How did you feel about her visiting?"

Elsa bit her lip. She took a long time to consider her reply and her therapist waited with all the patience in the world. Against her better judgement, Elsa picked apart those feelings slowly and with care. Olaf had always told her to be honest. What was the point in suffering through these sessions if she wasn't? Her finger hovered tentatively over the red call termination button as she continued.

"Terrified. Anna is as bright as ever. She illuminates everything she touches. So much so that she can't see the darkness within me," Elsa paused to sip her water, anything to slow her racing mind. "I wish she'd move on."

The screen blurred and Elsa blinked away the tears.

"Do you really wish that? Be honest with yourself." The therapist guided her. Elsa wanted to break down and submit to the storm there and then. Speaking her heart was too challenging.

"I am selfish for wishing otherwise. I love being around her. Just being near that light is enough to thaw my frozen heart... but I'm not worthy." Elsa shook her head in denial. One glance at her now frozen glass of water on the table and she knew she was in too deep.

"I know I've asked you this once before, but now you've seen her again, could you tell me what you think Anna wants?"

It was another question Elsa was utterly unprepared for. Blood pounded in her ears. Her heart thumped in her chest.

"She wants things to be how they used to be before I messed up. ...But that can't happen. Not after what I've done."

"Elsa, you always talk about what you've done. Will you tell me what that was?"

Elsa sat numb. Frost coated her couch and coffee table. She could see from the webcam that her ice hadn't slipped into view. Yet.

"I can't... I can't do this." Elsa hit the button. The call terminated.

She sat staring at the screen for no more than 10 seconds before a message popped up.

Ms Martinez: You need to stop running from this. Call me when you're ready.

A pause.

Ms Martinez: I'm serious Elsa. I worry about you.

Elsa gritted her teeth as she slammed the laptop lid shut. She never asked these people to care about her: Anna, Olaf and now her therapist.

Gods, I am pathetic.

She wished they wouldn't. No, that was a lie. She wanted that care more than anything. What she truly wished was that she wasn't like she was. That she could be worthy of their care and love. That she could somehow return it and make them proud. It was an impossible dream.

Mentally exhausted, Elsa set the laptop down on a dry shelf and left her frozen glass in the sink.

She wanted to feel proud that facing her emotions for Anna hadn't caused her to somehow tear down the building but the weariness was catching up with her. A sleepless night last night and the stress of keeping every emotion and thought in check was taking its toll.

Grabbing a roll of paper towels from her impressive stash, Elsa got to work mopping up most of the moisture on the surfaces and hard floor. She couldn't leave it like this. Not when she was unsure if Anna would end up crashing here again.

Oh gods. Where will she even sleep? She can't sleep on the couch.

Elsa pinched the bridge of her nose moments before setting off to change the sheets on her bed. She knew this was stupid even as she marched between the bedroom and the washing machine. Giving Anna her room; her only space in the apartment which was private was quite possibly the most stupid idea she'd had since accepting to go with Anna on that camping trip four years ago.

"This is going to end so badly," she grumbled to herself as she stomped around tidying and generally making the place presentable.

Elsa checked her watch. 22.09. What was taking them so long?

Maybe Anna really did go to a hotel. Good. That'll be safer for us both. Elsa denied the pang of disappointment in her heart. This was for the best.

Too tired to even move, let alone to get into her pyjamas, Elsa snuggled into the couch with her blanket and let herself finally sleep.

Anna didn't need any encouragement to be out and drinking, yet Hans gave it to her all the same. After spending a few hours at a bar they had made it to a club.

Ditching Elsa and Olaf, she had gone out with the only other person she knew in this city. She kept telling herself that he wasn't her fallback but she was lying to herself. She was pretty sure Hans knew it too but aside from a little teasing he seemed pleased to spend the evening with her.

Anna was drunk. Again. But even with her hazy mind she could still tell the place was unlike the regular club at university. Here there were people of all ages. The place was bigger, the lights brighter and there was a stage. A stage which had dancers. Beautiful, hypnotising dancers. Anna caught the eye of one.

"Like what you see?" Hans leaned in to whisper, and Anna's face flushed red at what he was implying. Okay, she could admit the dancer was stunning, and Anna allowed her eyes wander far more than she felt was acceptable. The underwear she wore left nothing up to the imagination, and yet Anna's mind was wild with just how much she looked like Elsa. Her platinum blonde hair, long slender legs, manicured nails - snap out of it. You're past hurting yourself like this. She reprimanded herself, forcing herself to look away. Head spinning with alcohol, she was reminded of all those empty nights with strangers. Was this just another empty night? Elsa had been so close to her earlier. It had been like a dream. Why am I here when I could be with her? But Anna was reminded of the way Elsa had pushed her away. It fractured her heart all over again.

"Dance with me," Hans husked in her ear as he pulled her to the crowded dance floor. Anna obeyed, needing to let herself go. Having someone else there to take care of her felt good. She closed her eyes and, in her drunken haze, imagined Elsa was the one in control. The one swaying against her body, keeping her safe.

Elsa...

Anna thought back to their time camping. The time when they were so sure of themselves. The time when they had no worries. She had wished for this for so long. Just them, together like nothing else mattered.

Why did you leave me, "Elsa?" she murmured.

"Elsa? She's still on your mind?" Hans asked with an eyebrow raised. She was jolted back to reality at the sound of his voice above the pounding music. "I had hoped showing you what else was on offer might have been a distraction." Anna didn't miss the pointed way he looked at her.

"...Just too much to drink," she murmured, having no real excuse. The alcohol was coursing through her veins making every feeling – no, every memory seem so much more sensitive and vibrant. Or perhaps they were always that bright and she just never allowed herself to fully feel them.

Hans took her by the hand and led her through the maze of bodies, through two sets of double doors and to the quieter outdoor smoking area beyond. The thumping of the bass still droned on but the incessant pulse of the music was dulled. The crisp air allowed Anna to breathe, but it also brought her crashing back down to reality.

Anna glanced at the strangers with their cigarettes. It had been so long since she had smoked. It had been the easiest form of rebellion after moving in with Elsa's family, though in hindsight it felt so petty now. Even so, she'd have killed to have a smoke to distract her mind from everything.

"You really fell hard for her, didn't you?" He asked as the pair stood in the tiny space sandwiched between buildings.

"Yeah, I really did," she sighed, unable to deny it.

"And she doesn't return those feelings?" He raised an eyebrow.

Anna sighed even more deeply. "It's complicated. She felt that way once. But it was a long time ago."

"Then she is a fool not to see what I see." Hans tilted her head up to face him. Anna gazed up into those endless eyes. Even if just for a moment, in his arms she was safe from the world. Her heart thumped in her chest, and slowly, she felt herself lean towards him.

Anna, what are you doing? The voice in her head gave her pause.

"Anna, what are you doing?" A familiar voice echoed her thoughts.

Anna backed up as she snapped back to reality.

Olaf stood outside of the roped off club area in his office attire. If Anna had been thinking straight, she'd have questioned why the man was out so late. But she wasn't, and she didn't.

"Let me take you home," he offered softly. Anna felt Hans' arm tighten around her.

"She's being taken care of just fine."

Anna didn't realise quite how territorial he sounded. Olaf however, did. His expression held no charm or playful friendliness. Anna could not help but think he was pulling a face much as Elsa would: unimpressed and serious.

...and she was thinking about Elsa again. Gods, my head is a mess. Maybe alcohol wasn't such a great idea.

"Anna," Olaf pleaded. The mix of concern and desperation caught her attention.

"I should go home," she found herself telling Hans. When he went to argue she cut him off. "It's late, I've had too much to drink and my head isn't in a good place. I'd like to see you again soon though." It seemed to placate him because he backed down from arguing further.

"Alright," he gave in. "Get home safe," he added softly. Catching Anna completely off guard he leaned down and kissed her cheek.

She blinked in surprise at the intimacy. Then again, she had almost kissed him. Gods I need to sober up.

"Get home safe, Sunshine." Hans lifted the rope so Anna could leave. She missed the smug wink he gave Olaf. Ducking under the rope, she took Olaf's arm once on the street. She glanced back at Hans, giving him a wave and apologetic smile.

What the hell had just happened? Am I really so desperate for love? Anna already knew the answer. He wouldn't have been the first stranger she had hooked up with, but he would have been the first man. The feeling was too weird.

Olaf led her to his beaten up old car. It was even more worse for wear than Elsa's. Not that Anna had her wits about her to notice. She slumped into the front seat, her hand over one eye so she wasn't seeing double. Just when had the alcohol hit her so hard? She had felt mostly okay until the glare of street lamps and car headlights assaulted her vision.

Olaf spent the majority of the journey in silence but after they were almost home he finally glanced at Anna. "Don't trust him."

"He's a nice guy," Anna defended Hans with surprising clarity in her half-dead state. She decided she could at least settle on that. She may not have known what else she felt for him at that moment but he had been kind and fun. Anna enjoyed being with him, and he made time for her. He made her feel like she was wanted.

"He pretends to be a nice guy to get what he wants. Just... please be careful."

"Did Elsa put you up to this?"

"No - yes... no. She asked me to watch you and pick you up. She didn't tell me to warn you about him. I just don't trust him."

Olaf hit the indicator and turned left into Elsa's car park.

"I don't need a babysitter," she snorted.

"You could barely stand up straight. If I hadn't been there and Hans had left you you'd have been on your own." Despite his words Olaf was calm and patient as he argued with her.

"I would have called somebody."

"You would have called Elsa. And she's been busy this evening, hence why she asked me to keep an eye out."

Anna raised her hand to argue but she had unwittingly just proved him right. Her foggy mind tried to find a flaw in his logic. There wasn't one. So she latched onto the only other thing she could think of.

"What was Elsa doing this evening that was so damn important anyway?"

"You should ask her yourself," Olaf said, not losing his cool as he pulled up.

Anna sat back, regretting getting into an argument with him. He was a sweet guy who genuinely seemed to care about Elsa. So sure, Anna was envious of their friendship. She could admit that in her drunken haze. But he really did seem to be a positive influence on her. Why couldn't it have been me? What did I do to push you away? The thoughts haunted her.

Supported by Olaf, the pair climbed the multitude of steps up to Elsa's apartment. Olaf let himself in with a spare key and Anna filed that mental note away for later. She trusts him with a spare key.

They both stumbled into the dimly lit room, and Anna would have fallen over had Olaf not been holding her upright. There, curled up so sweetly asleep on the sofa was her beautiful and enigmatic friend. All of the memories of that evening - no, every evening for the past four years crashed down on her all at once. Every night spent wishing, every empty moment with a stranger... At that very second Anna wanted nothing more than to stumble over to Elsa and simply hold her. To remind herself she was real, and she was here.

"You're in the bedroom," Olaf interrupted her thoughts, not giving Anna the chance to protest. "She wouldn't be asleep on the couch if she didn't want you to have it." He half dragged half carried Anna into the room, and she was too weak to fight him.

The bed was easily big enough for them both. She considered going back out there to drag Elsa in. Heaven knows she needed her, and there was really no reason they couldn't have shared. They were adults. They could control themselves. On second thought, maybe not. Anna flushed with heat at the thought of having Elsa's body within such close reach.

"I've got to head off. Here's a bucket in case you're sick." He picked up the bin and handed it to her. She would have laughed if she didn't feel so unwell. I've been here a day and I'm going to have thrown up twice in her apartment. What a first impression. She thought grimly.

"I'll catch you tomorrow. Sleep well, Anna." Olaf gave her a sympathetic smile. She waved weakly and watched through the open door as he whispered something inaudible to Elsa on the way out.

Is she awake? Anna considered going to see her, but as she sat up her stomach turned. Immediately laying back down, she cuddled the bin tighter.

"Dammit Elsa... tomorrow... tomorrow I'll sleep on the couch..."