Chapter 12 – She is perfect

The snow blew gently in the afternoon wind. An intricate flake landed on the palm of Elsa's hand. It didn't melt, at least not right away. She admired its detail, lost in the fractals.

It was strange really, her infatuation with winter. The cold air, the snow, wrapping up in scarves and drinking hot chocolate; all of it appealed to her. Yet she feared her power more than anything else.

Why am I like this? It was a question she had asked herself almost constantly since first discovering she could magic up ice in the blink of an eye. The desire to be normal was a distant dream. She thought she had grappled with it after moving here and starting a business but Anna... Anna had complicated things. Deep down Elsa couldn't bring herself to truly regret seeing her friend again, but she did lament the chaos and heartache it had brought down upon them both.

"You'll be okay, Elsa," Olaf assured her as he put one arm around her.

She looked up, her focus on the snowflake lost, and with it the fragile thing melted.

"This is going to be awful," Elsa murmured as she thought ahead to what she was facing: a winter ball at the Westergard Estate. She hadn't attended a formal event in years. It was to her advantage that she had no memory of meeting the Westergards, Hans aside; though she was sure they were well acquainted with her parents. Hans' father was in business with her father after all. She pushed those thoughts away as quickly as they came. She couldn't think of her parents. She had given her name as Winters on her RSVP, hoping the few who knew otherwise wouldn't make it known that Elsa Arendelle would be present. It felt poetic to be Anna's opposite; her moon to Anna's sun, Anna's light to her darkness, though the more she thought on it the more she wondered why she was even bothering.

Anna will be thrilled you're there. She could have face-palmed. Why did she keep acting like an idiot around Anna? It was a rhetorical question, she knew exactly why.

"Anna will be thrilled you're there. It'll be a good chance for you both to have a nice time without having to worry. You're a pro at formal events." And like always, Olaf knew exactly what she was thinking, minus the part about her being a professional. She was anything but that.

"I shouldn't be leading her on and you shouldn't be encouraging me," Elsa retorted, shrugging Olaf off. She had always admired his optimism and positivity but in this instance it was beyond irritating. He knew exactly why she kept her distance with Anna. Why she had left home.

Olaf arched an eyebrow, which only served to annoy her even more.

"Before we met face to face you told me you loved her," he reminded her and Elsa physically flinched. Hearing it out loud made it seem so much more real. Taking deep and deliberate breaths, she calmed herself before a storm started.

"And judging by that reaction and pretty much every reaction before that, you still do. As your friend, I'm not letting you throw that away -"

"- You know exactly why I must," Elsa cut him off sharply.

Olaf gave her a sad smile as he shook his head. He knew not to push her in this mood. Like a gentleman, he silently opened the passenger door to her car.

For a moment Elsa considered pushing him aside and driving herself but her thoughts were too erratic. She didn't drop the steely expression as she got in, nor for the long journey up to Westergard estate outside of town.

What if mother is here? Elsa had considered it almost constantly. No. She'll be with father. Elsa shook her head. Relief made way to shame. She knew she shouldn't have been pleased about that but even so, she still was.

Against her will, thoughts lingered on her father. It had been all too easy these past four years to push memories of the past away. Now everything was changing, and it seemed impossible to forget. Every thought, idea and memory was like travelling a road back home; back to the guilt and regret. All she could do was continue to run before that darkness caught up to her. I need to stop being such a coward. But thinking it did not change what she was. Only effort on her part could do that, and she still wasn't sure if she was brave enough.

Will Anna really be thrilled to see me? Thoughts of what had occurred at the games night haunted her as much as the possibility of facing her parents. She had wondered what the point of attending tonight was if it would just be a repeat of that? Anna would be bright and hopeful. Elsa would be temporarily blinded. They'd get along and almost forget everything that hung over them. And then Elsa would screw it up by not trusting Anna to make her own mistakes. That's what it all came down to in the end. She wasn't even giving Anna the chance to make her own screw ups. Elsa was doing a fine job of doing that for her.

Just tell her you are sorry and work it out from there.

It had been too long since she had to attend something like this. Sitting back on the passenger seat, she thought back to the days she had to be perfect for her parent's guests. It had never been easy playing that role but it had always been expected of her. Their expectations were so high and she had always tried so hard to meet them. It had never been enough, not for them, not for her: her powers had seen to that. The older she got the more erratic it became. There was some semblance of control in her mid-teens but the accident that drove her from her home had been a stark reminder that she was never safe from the monster inside. She never would be.

Olaf pulled up the huge driveway and Elsa was jolted away from her thoughts. Gazing out of the window she was surprised to see the residence rivalled her parent's manor. Of course Anna wanted to be here. It was a fairytale dream. White lights lined the trees all the way along the driveway. The fountain situated before the grand manor was lit up and flowing vibrantly under the afternoon sky. She wanted to laugh at how her old Ford Fiesta was in a queue of luxury and sports cars but she felt no shame. She felt more grounded than ever before. It was almost nostalgic when she thought back to how young, blind and ignorant she used to be.

Meeting Anna taught me so much.

Olaf handed the keys over to the valet after pulling up at the entrance. Like the gentleman he was, he linked arms with Elsa and together they walked up the clichéd red carpet.

"It's a bit overdone isn't it?" He whispered to her.

Elsa let out a soft laugh. It was all she needed to say in agreement. Everything about these parties was too much. At the door Olaf took the lead and handed over their invitation.

"Miss Arendelle," The bouncer said aloud as he checked her name off the list.

Elsa stood stunned. That wasn't her name she gave on the RSVP. She was attending as Olaf's guest, not her parent's. How was it her name on the guest list? How did they even know to match them up?

"Miss Winters," Olaf corrected him, keeping his tone neutral. Elsa felt him hold her arm even more tightly to steady her.

"Right. Miss Arendelle. Go right in," The bouncer said in boredom while still reviewing his list. Elsa was rooted in place. This had to be some sort of joke. The only other people who knew who she was here was Anna... and Hans.

That snake. Her thoughts turned dark.

"Elsa." Olaf's tone snapped her out of the storm that was threatening to brew. He quite literally had to drag her forward so the couple behind them could enter.

Inside the grand reception room Elsa held onto Olaf's arm tightly, feeling small and vulnerable within the crowd of smartly dressed guests in their designer clothes and fine jewellery. If her real name was on the guest list it was an easy assumption to make that everyone present would know she was here. Everyone would be watching her. Everyone would be asking questions.

"We should go," She whispered to Olaf quietly as he picked at the passing canapés served by waiters. "I can't be here. Not with them knowing who I am -"

"- Elsa?"

Elsa froze. It was too late.

"Anna!" Olaf gave her a warm hug in greeting.

Elsa couldn't find words. Fear and nerves slipped away in an instant. Anna was dazzling. So bright. So bold. The light shimmered off the scarlet, satin fabric, amplifying her light. Elsa's eyes lazily trailed up from her red high heels: designer, and a statement all on their own, up her leg through the split in Anna's vibrant dress, taking in every curve, every bone line... The way the low neck line emphasised her bust. It was tight, too tight. It accentuated everything.

Anna nervously brushed away a stray strand of red hair from her face as they gazed at each other.

She is perfect.

She is perfect.

Anna couldn't tear her eyes away from Elsa's pale blue ball gown as she hugged Olaf. She had never seen Elsa wear anything this formal. Not even at that awkward store opening she gate crashed years ago. School uniform, trouser suits and summer dresses didn't compare. She always looked stunning of course but tonight was a whole different game. Elsa looked flawless. Anna's gaze was drawn along the silk gloves, up the intricate bodice and to her bare shoulders; loose locks of blonde hair cascading over her exposed collarbone.

For a long moment she forgot she had even been mad at the woman. Guilt for ignoring all of those messages tugged at her. She had wanted Elsa to understand just how infuriating it was being on the other side of the door. It's a new day. Maybe it'll be better. She hadn't lost her optimism although a small part of her wondered how many days of this she'd have to endure before one of them gave up. Just one more day.

"You look amazing!" Olaf complimented Anna enthusiastically.

Anna wanted to cling to this moment: the first impression of seeing Elsa looking so incredible, and Elsa gazing back at her with just as much adoration in those bright blue eyes. She could have stood staring at Elsa all night and not been bored.

"Ahem, yes. You look beautiful," Elsa agreed, eyes never leaving her.

Anna blushed. "You look beautifuller. Wait - you don't look fuller - you look more beautiful -"

"Thank you." Elsa's smile was genuine.

Anna relaxed. She had been worried when Hans had mentioned Elsa may attend the party but after seeing her here now she suddenly felt at ease.

She smiled to herself. It will be a good night.

It will be a bad night. Elsa was sighing inwardly. Seeing Anna like this was setting off a whole series of conflicting emotions and an unmistakable heat.

Why do I torture myself like this? She had been asking herself this since the day Anna first showed up at her doorstep. They had their arguments but they had also gotten along so well too. This fragile peace was too precious to break and yet Elsa knew she'd need to tell Anna everything, and soon. All of this waiting and pretending was too cruel for them both.

One night. She resolved. To pretend for a moment we aren't weighed down by my mistakes. It was weakness that Elsa both wanted to fight and surrender at the same time. But her need for Anna was winning out over the potential heartbreak. She'll be heartbroken no matter what you do. You should at least trust her to make the choice.

"You made it!" Hans' voice called across the reception area. Elsa looked up and immediately wished she hadn't. Hans strode towards them looking dapper in his military uniform. She might have been impressed that he had served his country if her mind wasn't so fixated on the guest list and how she'd confront him over the mess. He bowed to Elsa and kissed her hand, not even so much as glancing at Olaf. As much as she wanted to, she didn't physically pull away from him, even when he held onto her hand.

"Come, my father is waiting to meet you! He hasn't seen you since you were tiny."

"- Wait, what?" Elsa was half whisked, half dragged across the floor and presented to a well dressed older man. Elsa barely had time to register the military medals lining his uniform; he had seen real action, unlike Hans, she suspected.

"Father!" Hans shook the towering man's hand.

Elsa's heart was thumping in her chest as she met those sharp and observant emerald eyes. His once golden hair had greyed. Wrinkles lined his mouth and eyes softening his features. To both her surprise and horror, she recognised him immediately, even after age taking its toll.

This is the man who visited father so often. Elsa's mind flashed back. Her family had become much more restrained with the number of visitors they invited to the manor as she grew older but she remembered this man so vividly from when she was a child. She recalled the stark contrast to her father: this man was louder, relaxed, always smiling. The taste of chocolate gifts and memories of model toys; black and white pieces moving strategically over the chess board as she sat on her father's lap playing against him. Affectionately calling him 'uncle'. Back when her father wasn't ashamed or scared she'd unleash her powers. Back when they were a family.

She didn't realise that man from the past was Mr Westergard, nor did she remember him having children. She didn't recall him mentioning his wife either, but for a man with 13 sons and three failed marriages Elsa wondered if his regular weekend visits to the Arendelle Estate had been a much needed escape. And then it all ended, because Elsa couldn't keep her power under wraps. She never saw him again just like she never really saw anyone.

...And all of this meant he must have recognised her. Any illusions she had about hiding were completely erased.

"May I introduce Miss Arendelle. Miss Arendelle, my father," Hans made the introductions.

"I am so pleased you could make it, Miss Arendelle." Mimicking his son, Mr Westergard bowed and kissed Elsa's hand. She remained rigid.

"You have grown up into a fine young lady."

It was a genuine comment but Elsa couldn't find any words all the same.

"It's terrible about your father. I know in the circumstances it's not much, but I hope he is doing well. How is your mother holding up?"

Elsa couldn't speak. She couldn't move. The whole room felt like it stopped around her as her mouth opened and closed but no sound escaped. No clever excuses or deflections. She wanted to tell him the truth; she hadn't seen them in four years and that was the end of it. The shame held her back.

"The family are doing as well as can be expected." Elsa felt Anna's arm loop in her own as she boldly stepped in to save her. "Anna Summers," She introduced herself before Mr Westergard could even speak. "Consultant for Snowflake Studios. Thank you for inviting us to your beautiful manor. It really is amazing here. And big - I don't mean you're big - I mean your house is big - in a good way!"

Elsa suppressed a smile as she squeezed Anna's arm in thanks.

"A pleasure to meet you, Miss Summers," Mr Westergard spoke when Anna finally paused to breath. "Elsa, will find me after the party? I have something I'd like to discuss with you privately."

"We will," Anna answered for her and Elsa was once again grateful for the support.

"Good. Please enjoy the party, girls. If you'll excuse me, I have other guests I need to greet," He said by way of farewell.

Elsa watched him go, the familiar sense of regret sweeping through her. She wouldn't be meeting him later, of this she was certain.

...But it did make her think of home. This whole party reminded her of who she once was with such crushing clarity. I can't keep running forever. What am I really doing here? Chasing after Anna? Olaf is right. What happens when she finds someone else and I'm left completely alone? What if she is right and I never get to speak to father again? If nothing else I need to tell him he was wrong: I can live in this world and be normal. It's not easy... but with Olaf and Anna... Anna... Would you forgive me if you knew?

Elsa found herself squeezing her friend's arm tighter.

"And that ladies, is my father." Hans stepped forward to close the circle after Mr Westergard took his leave.

"I thought you said you had 12 big brothers. Are they all here?" Anna asked him.

Hans visibly sighed as he nodded. "Are you really going to make me introduce all of them and all of their families? Two of them still pretend I don't exist."

Anna looked like she was going to jump at the opportunity until Elsa caught her eye. She wanted to maintain her hold on her to keep herself calm and to keep Anna safe from everyone here who'd take advantage of such a beautiful and naive young lady. But she reminded herself Anna wasn't hers. And after that display Elsa knew she was the one needed Anna to protect her from everyone else here, not the other way around. A professional, Olaf called me. I couldn't even speak. I need time to think...

"Go on, really. I'll be fine," Elsa said quietly, untangling their arms. Anna wanted to reply. It was clear in her eyes but Elsa pressed a finger to her lips to stop her.

"I'll still be here." It was a promise she prayed she'd be able to keep.

Anna frowned in concern, but with reluctance she allowed Hans to take her arm and lead her away into the party, glancing back just once. Elsa caught the look, but pretended not to. Letting her go to Hans hurt more than she could describe. She watched as they held each other's hands. It should have been her, not him. Elsa lingered on Anna's backless dress, exposing delicate freckles against her pale skin. She flushed with heat as her thoughts wandered further than was acceptable.

"You let them go off together?" Olaf stepped up beside her. Elsa had caught him lurking at the edge of the party catching canapés as they flew past. He'd been watching over her and she was grateful.

"I didn't have a choice -"

"I taught you better than this. Just think when you're 8 places down in Mario Kart. You don't give up. You get the best damn items and you make the rest of the field eat your dust... and bob-ombs. And blue shells. You're going to get out there Elsa Arendelle and you're going to blue shell Hans."

As far as pep talks went, Elsa considered this to be a pretty damn good one. Mario Kart was something she could really get behind. But this was real life and the baggage she was carrying was too heavy.

I need to tell her everything. Elsa closed her eyes. She had needed to tell Anna everything four years ago and here she was still running away and living in denial. Even if it destroys us both I need to do it.

How did one just go up and blue shell a person? It wouldn't be as easy as that time by the lake where she punched that girl from the netball team.

I'm going to regret everything tonight. But to live free even for just a moment...

"Alright. Operation Blue Shell." She gave Olaf a side glance as his face lit up. "I'll need you to help me survive this until I get the chance to step in."

Olaf's smile widened in understanding. "You got it."

It was true; Anna had been curious to meet Hans' brothers. But the moment she had seen Elsa in her dress her mind had been spinning from a feeling stronger than any alcohol could inflict. Stepping away from Elsa had been a mistake and she was trying to find any excuse to get back to her. She shouldn't have let herself react so enthusiastically when Hans suggested this. If she had seemed more disinterested perhaps Elsa wouldn't have felt so inclined to have pushed her away. At least that was what she had hoped.

Maybe Elsa wanted the space.

Even as Anna met the last brother who'd speak to Hans her thoughts lingered on Elsa and how she was coping with the party and questions. Would everyone be asking about her parents? Would she be able to answer or would she freeze up again? Was she even still at the party?

"Let's dance," Hans pulled her to the dance floor.

"Oh I'm not so sure - I have two left feet! I am completely, absolutely terrible at anything which requires a rhythm -"

"Just follow my lead," He flashed her that winning smile and Anna regrettably complied. It wasn't like at the club where you could just sway in the crowd. This required precision, elegance and trust. Anna was hopeless. Every twist and turn was laboured and wrong. As the music ended she was ready to escape to the desert table. Chocolate was just what she needed after that.

"Will you allow me the honour of sharing this next dance with you?"

Anna was certain she had misheard, but when she turned and came face to face with those royal blue eyes she knew her brain wasn't hallucinating. She couldn't move. Seeing Elsa again in that dress brought back that feeling form a few hours earlier. Gods, she really is perfect. She chewed on her lip, thoughts drifting to dark places again.

"Anna?" Elsa's face turned to one of concern when she realised Anna couldn't find words. Hans had already stepped back like a gentleman, not that Anna noticed. Her sole attention was on the beautiful lady before her.

"Yes! I mean no - I mean -"

"I'll teach you." Elsa pulled Anna close and positioned their arms. She felt Elsa's loop behind her, holding her steady.

"Elsa seriously, I'm awful -"

"No, you are not. You just had a bad teacher. He should have been guiding you and he wasn't. I'll take you through it properly."

And there it was again, Elsa's strong and protective side. Anna was lost in the contact, entranced by her winter perfume. She followed every step as instructed through the gentle waltz.

Anna closed her eyes, remembering her time in the club where she had vividly imagined being beside Elsa. This was everything she had dreamed of and more. It wasn't some sleazy club; Anna was dancing, and it was real dancing. No toes were being stepped on, she was moving in some kind of rhythm. Elsa's arm around her waist held her firmly in place. Exactly where she belonged.

As the dance ended Anna leaned in and rested her head on Elsa's shoulder, never wanting this moment to end.

"Can we talk?" Elsa asked her gently and Anna felt her former lover's fingers trailing through her loose red curls. She shivered in delight.

Elsa wants to talk. It was so unlike her. Anna had to mute her expectations in fear it was going to be some sort of break up from whatever messed up relationship they had. Or more accurately, didn't have.

Just let me have this moment. She wished she could say it aloud but it would shatter their fragile peace. They stood swaying in each other's arms as the orchestra started the next song. Neither seemed prepared to move.

Elsa was the one who had to pull back, but only far enough to take Anna's hand. She led her from the dance floor, through the patio doors and into the chilling outdoor winter weather. A thin layer of snow coated the ground but the sky was lit up in a series of purples and oranges from the recent setting sun.

"You were right, I can't run away forever. I'm going to go home for Christmas."

Anna almost choked on the air she breathed. Elsa was acting like a responsible grown up. Just what had happened?

"Being here has reminded me of who I was. As much as I wish it, I can't run away from it forever," Elsa seemed to hesitate before continuing. "Not only that... I've been running away from you for too long. I need to tell you everything before I return home. I can't do it here but tomorrow... I'll tell you everything tomorrow." It was a promise.

Anna was caught completely off guard as Elsa held her hands in her own, threading their fingers together. Any cold she felt faded away under that sincere and vulnerable gaze.

"For tonight, can we just pretend everything was like that night camping?"

Anna's breath hitched. She had spent the past four years craving for that moment again. And here Elsa was offering it to her on a plate. She saw the pang of regret in Elsa's eyes and Anna knew it would never be quite the same, but if she was willing then Anna would jump at the chance.

"Yes," She breathed.

And under the twilight sky, Elsa pulled Anna close and kissed her for the first time in four years.