Chapter 22 - FYI I do have gingerbread perfume and I'll have you know it's fabulous

Elsa inhaled deeply, the scent of gingerbread filling her lungs. Fingers threaded through red hair. Silk sheets rubbed against her as she stretched. An arm reached across and she snuggled into the body beside her. She craved the warmth. It was like a drug. This familiar calm was welcome.

She could feel the each bruise, each scratch upon her. There was no pain though. Only the sensation of it being there. Memories drifted back in a slow stream. Elsa unpicked each one individually.

For a moment she was sat inside an industrial refrigeration unit. Hours passed in seconds and she was dragged out barely conscious. Just how long had she survived in there in nothing but a flimsy hospital gown?

She was plunged head first into water. It filled her lungs. Air was impossible to grasp. She fought; it was the only time she fought. As she was pulled out, coughing and gasping for each breath hoarsely she recalled the scientists and their disappointment. She couldn't breathe underwater. It just seemed so ridiculous that they even thought she might have been able to.

She felt the cold breath of someone behind her, hissing instructions into her ear. She hadn't responded. A backhand to the face stung.

None of the pain compared to what she felt for hurting Anna. If anything it was a distraction: a way to self harm without having to make the choice herself.

I really am so weak.

They changed tactics more times than she could count. Everything from blackmail to gentle persuasion were attempted to convince her to use her power but no matter what they said or did, or what drugs they plied her with, nothing made her speak. She had been resolute in her unwillingness to give them any sort of demonstration. It was ironic considering how she had spent her whole life failing to contain her power and the moment someone wanted to see it she could keep it hidden deep. Or perhaps it was because she hadn't felt anything but pain since watching Anna break before her eyes.

"Anna..." she murmured.

"I'm here," Anna assured her, stroking her hair gently. "I'm not going anywhere."

How is she still here after everything I've done?

A choked sob escaped Elsa's throat. She clung to Anna, afraid if she let go the girl would leave her forever. Anna's hand stroked gentle circles on Elsa's back as she cried.

Memories of the breakout flooded Elsa's mind. Anna. Olaf. Hans. The gunshot. She tensed.

"Olaf is doing fine," Anna promised soothingly, as if reading her mind. "He is still at the hospital but he's doing good. We'll go see him soon, I promise." Elsa relaxed at the news.

Anna really saved you. The joy she felt from it was eclipsed in guilt and self-loathing. It would be better if she didn't love you. It would have been better if she left you. You don't deserve-

"I'm sorry," Anna said, unaware of Elsa's internal battle against herself. She continued to rub Elsa's back gently. "You and Olaf warned me that Hans was bad news, and I ignored you both."

You shouldn't be apologising to me. I'm the monster. I did everything wrong.

"I wish you had told me everything sooner. I understand how unbelievable it is, but even so, it all makes sense now. Back by the lake when you saved me from those girls, it snowed. It snowed when you left home four years ago, in the park with Hans." Elsa felt Anna tense up beside her. "...And the day I lost my parents... I can't imagine how much guilt you've been carrying. I was grieving but at least I could move on. Knowing that you've been dealing with this without me this whole time..."

But it was my fault.

"It wasn't your fault Elsa. I pushed you. I wanted more from you before you left me for university. I was terrified you'd forget me. I didn't think you'd wait unless you knew there was something worth waiting for," Anna was talking through tears but she didn't hold back. "I thought I knew you so well but I had no idea. Magic aside, I never saw the real you. I never stopped to think you had more than one mask: you hid so much insecurity and fear."

I never let you see anything else.

"And then I saw your eyes in that... place." Anna's voice was strained as a tension built in her body. "You don't need to explain. The way you looked at me told me all I needed to know. You have been hurting so much." Anna's grip grew tighter. "I'm upset about my parents. I loved them so much. They didn't deserve what happened-"

I know. It's why it hurts so much.

"-But you don't deserve it either. I may not know you as well as I thought, but I am damn well certain that you didn't intend to hurt them or me.

Intentions mean nothing. I did it all the same.

"We can't change the past but we can make the future better. And I don't know what breaks my heart more; seeing you like you were in that lab or not facing the future together with you."

Elsa took a sharp inhale of breath. She pulled back slightly to finally look Anna in the eye.

"So you are awake. I was worried my rambling had put you back to sleep," Anna said with as much carefree amusement as she could muster. When Elsa could only blink, Anna pressed on with a sigh. "I don't know how drugged up you were, I'm actually not sure how drugged up you are now, but I meant what I said when I broke you out. I love you Elsa Arendelle and I'll be with you every step of the way from here on out if you're let me."

Elsa sat stunned. She wasn't sure why the declaration shocked her, she'd heard it once before after all. Anna wasn't one to go back on her word. With the tiniest spark of hope she had wished Anna would forgive her and love her but it had seemed such a far away dream. And now it was happening Elsa didn't know what to do with it. She had distanced herself from love for so long she didn't know how to handle what Anna was so freely giving her. It was too precious and too fragile for Elsa to accept.

"I don't deserve it. I don't deserve your forgiveness and least of all your love," Elsa responded rashly while pulling away. Panic sunk its claws into her heart. She refused to look Anna in the eye. She wasn't brave enough to face her pain again. The sooner Anna left the better for them both. She could sink into her bottomless misery and she wouldn't have to risk dragging Anna down with her. Anna could be free.

"Elsa," Anna began starkly, not making any attempt to close the gap between them. There was a long pause as Anna chose her next words carefully. "If I told you I am the one who doesn't deserve to be happy, what would you say?"

Elsa knew it was a trap but she replied out of instinct and not conscious thought. "You deserve all of the happiness in the world." She could have face-palmed. She was high on self-hate and what she assumed were strong prescription pain killers but she was lucid enough to know exactly where Anna was taking this. The little minx was faster and cleverer than Elsa gave her credit for.

"That is exactly how I feel about you. That means you understand how much me seeing you like this hurts."

Anna's logic was too damn flawless. Outmanoeuvred and caught in a checkmate all Elsa could do was shake with frustration.

"Dammit! Can't you see I'm a failure? How can you love something-" Elsa hiccupped as tears streamed down her face. "-something as broken as me?"

"You're only a failure to you and being broken is just a state of mind. I love you. The whole you." Anna reached forward to embrace her again. Elsa didn't resist. She sunk into Anna not realising how happy she was to have lost the battle until she held her.

"You're not the only one who wonders that you know? I mean, you do go the extra mile for your rock bottom self esteem but I could ask you the same thing. What have I done to make the intelligent, magic-wielding-super-hero, beautiful daughter of a multimillionaire fall in love with me? You could have anyone in the whole world. I couldn't even make friends at school."

Caught by surprise, Elsa's sob came out as a muted chuckle.

"How does one describe perfection? Is it the freckles that are dusted over your body like icing sugar? Those endless teal eyes which I lose myself in every time I look at you? Your messy red hair in the morning? The way you always smell like sugary treats. I'm sure you have gingerbread perfume. Or the way you talk so much and then get embarrassed and muddle up words? Or perhaps the way you care so much about other people, even the bad people who you shouldn't waste your time on." Elsa leaned into Anna and sighed contentedly. She could have gone on for hours. Just being reminded of how much Anna meant to her and knowing Anna was here to stay calmed her emotions. She didn't believe she deserved her. She didn't believe she deserved any of this but if Anna was trying, and if her mother and Olaf were trying too she owed it to all of them not to give in. Even if it hurt to get through every day, it would be worth it to see that smile on Anna's face.

"Did you mean to say that out loud or was it supposed to be one of those internal monologues? Either way I liked it." Anna was smirking.

Elsa's face went scarlet. Eyes shot open. Her breath caught as she tried to find words to undo what she had just done. She looked up and met Anna's eyes in a panic. She couldn't have looked any more smug. It only made it worse.

"FYI I do have gingerbread perfume and I'll have you know it's fabulous. But I didn't realise freckles were such a turn on for you," she teased and Elsa was ready to die from embarrassment.

Why am I so stupid? She berated herself. She was about to descend into a torrent of self loathing when Anna's voice dragged her back up from the depths of her mind.

"Seen as we're sharing I guess it's my turn. It's really not as romantic. I had a crush on you the moment you punched that girl at school in the face and saved me. Actually, maybe a little before that. You were pretty damn distracting in the netball trials. You were sweating so bad and that uniform..." Elsa felt Anna shudder beneath her which set off a thrill in response. Elsa hadn't realised just how close she was to Anna. Pressed flush and held there tightly by each other's arms, Anna keeping Elsa from running away and Elsa clinging to Anna, her only slither of peace in the storm that was her mind. "Let's just say it shouldn't have been on the school uniform list because it was completely and totally inappropriate."

Elsa noticed Anna wasn't wearing a nightgown like she was. She had opted to help herself to one of Elsa's t-shirts. In fact it wasn't just any t-shirt, it was one Anna had given her. A Batman t-shirt. The black fabric hung off her small frame. Skin touched skin beneath the sheets and Elsa flushed as she realised that was probably all Anna was wearing. Never mind school uniform being inappropriate. Elsa had already worked out she was at home in her old room. If mother walks in...

Shaking the thoughts from her head, she tried to forget about her mother and home. She wanted nothing more than to just lose herself in Anna.

"I was a complete jerk to you back then and you were so nice to me," Elsa murmured as she thought back. She had been a jerk to everyone. Why Anna had ever wanted to spend time with her had been a mystery.

"You just needed a bit of kindness to open up. And you did punch someone in the face for me... No one else has ever done that for me before. Anyway, that's when I knew. I know it was pretty fast. I've always made stupid decisions quickly-wait, you're not a stupid decision! I just mean I jump in without thinking-like all of the time. And I'm generally pretty stupid. This isn't helping is it?" Anna held one hand to her head as she ordered her thoughts. Elsa leaned up and gently pulled her hand back down.

"Carry on," She murmured gently which caused Anna to give her a weak smile in return.

"You hung out with me even though I was a total loser. You stuck up for me. You didn't care what everyone else thought. You were so strong," Anna let out a sigh. "Even if you didn't feel strong inside you made me feel safe. Then on our last night camping you were so patient and so careful. Over the past four years I really tried to move on. I've had other lovers and one night stands but none of them treated me like you do. Your love was so unconditional and gentle. So yes, the sex is fucking amazing."

Elsa was both blushing from embarrassment and glowing from pride all at once. She supposed if there was just one thing in her life she could get perfectly right, satisfying Anna had to be a pretty damn good one.

"But I'm not completely shallow, though that is a pretty big factor in my list of 'how awesome Elsa is'. You're also totally selfless. I know your parents weren't exactly strapped for cash when they fostered me, but your mother told me it was you who made them do it. I also figure the reason you left was because if you didn't I would have done. I would have been homeless or in the care system. You gave me somewhere safe to stay. Sure, it wasn't exactly a functioning home after everything that had gone down but you made it happen all the same. You always kept me safe." Anna paused to breathe.

Even after all of her admissions Anna had been acutely aware Elsa hadn't repeated those three words to her. Anna was well aware she had been overusing them to compensate. Anything to stop Elsa from running away again.

I can be patient. I can wait for as long as she needs.

"I'm using too many words again, aren't I?" Anna pulled Elsa back into the bed so she was tucked into her shoulder. She wouldn't let go of her in fear of her crumbling to dust.

"No. It's nice to listen to you," Elsa said contentedly, her erratic pulse finally calming.

If Elsa wanted more Anna-talk that was an easy thing to provide, especially with the topic of nostalgia. Anna set up all of the best memories in her mind. She'd make Elsa remember all of the good times they had. She'd prove to her that there were so many more to come.

"Do you remember that time we broke into the cinema?" Anna asked but abruptly paused as she felt Elsa stiffen beneath her.

"Not a good one? I found out you really hated horror movies that day. I guess it was pretty stupid of me to start with that one."

You are such a dork. Of course she didn't enjoy that. Even if holding her hand and cuddling for two hours had been the best moment of your life up until that point.

"No." Elsa looked up and Anna came face to face with those blue eyes. She waited as Elsa summoned up the courage to continue. "I was scared was because the movie was completely terrifying, I mean it had clowns in it. Breaking in to see that was a terrible idea, but I also thought I was going to freeze the whole cinema at every jump scare. You thought they had broken air conditioning, remember?"

Anna cocked her head as she thought back. Like a light bulb being lit, her face brightened as she joined the dots up.

"That's why it was freezing in there? That's why you gave me your jacket." Anna slapped a hand to her head. It all suddenly made so much sense.

"Elsa, I am so sorry. I can't believe I dragged you along and almost made you create a blizzard in the cinema. Wow. It really sounds crazy when you say it out loud."

"It's ok. You were there. You never realised it but having you there kept me calm. So thank you."

Anna's heart swelled with pride. Wanting to help and actually helping were two very different things but this gave her the hope she needed. She had made a difference. She could do it again. Elsa needed her.

With renewed conviction, and a steady arm around Elsa's waist, Anna asked a question she wasn't sure if she should have brought up. "Every other time we've tried to talk you've run away. I assume it's because you knew you'd make a storm. Why isn't there one now?"

Unlike her usual outbursts where she just allowed her mouth to run away with whatever it pleased, she had been holding this back since Elsa had awoken. Initially in worry that talking about it would somehow make it happen. But as the conversation had progressed it had been clear it wasn't like any discussion they'd had before.

Elsa took her time finding the words to describe it and Anna didn't mind. She took Elsa's hand in her own and threaded their fingers together.

"...I think I've fallen so far this past week that I've hit the bottom," the honesty in her reply was brutal yet welcome. "I don't care if the world knows. All that matters is that you know."

Anna squeezed her hand in comfort. Anything to remind Elsa she was in this for the long run.

"Will... will you show me?" Anna asked.

Elsa looked up and met her eyes. The glint of fear flashed but Anna didn't back down.

"I don't want to hurt you. And even if I wanted to use my power I don't even know how."

Anna was surprised by the admission. She supposed it made sense. If Elsa had perfect control over what she could do there wouldn't be this terror of accidentally unleashing it. But she did use it at will in Weselton's basement car park...

"You were so confident during our getaway," Anna stated, watching her reaction carefully.

"I was terrified," Elsa clenched the hand Anna held. "The way they shot Olaf. What they would have put you through just to make me-" Her jaw tightened. "I channelled every emotion and my power just happened. I killed people, Anna. I felt their bodies break under my ice. I'm a monster."

Anna watched as Elsa withdrew into herself again. So much guilt. So much regret. It was heartbreaking.

"No, that's not true," Anna took her chin in her hand and forced Elsa to look her in the eye. "They were shooting at us. You did it in self defence. You did it to save people. A monster wouldn't feel regret or remorse. A monster wouldn't suffer the way you are. You understand how much of a responsibility your power is. That makes you the best person to have it. Even if life is hard and you haven't mastered them yet, so many superheroes need to take time to learn what to do. You're a superhero Elsa, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Especially not that voice in your head." Anna hoped she was being direct enough. She wouldn't let her drown in the darkness.

Elsa gave her a quizzical look moments before her hand trailed across Anna's chest. Anna let out a gasp of surprise, not understanding quite what was happening until she looked down to see Elsa's index finger tracing the Batman logo on her t-shirt.

Christ, warn me next time.

"I just don't know how," She murmured, still poking the logo. Anna was certain by this point the woman was doing it on purpose. That contact was setting off a desire she didn't want to explore again just yet. Well, she would have loved to have explored it but Elsa had barely woken up. Is that too soon?

"Then we'll watch a ton a movies and TV shows. The answer has got to be in there somewhere. I think we both need some time to relax after the past couple weeks."

Anna held her close, stoking her back gently. There was so much she wanted to confront Elsa with but for now this was enough. Just them, together alone.

"Anna...?" Elsa asked after long minute of silence. "You've been here for the best part of four years. Why do I have a new bed? It wasn't even old when I left." Anna opened her mouth to reply but Elsa didn't stop. "Have you been sleeping in here?"

So accusing. "No, Your Majesty. I have not been using your bedchambers," she put on her best mock posh voice she could manage. "Though it is the best room in the manor. You get the sun all day in here."

"So you did sneak in here."

"Well, maybe just once or twice when your parents weren't looking." Anna grinned but it faded as soon as it came.

"You kind of froze your old bed. After you passed out in the car you got a fever and just froze everything. Half the manor was covered in frost."

"I did what?"

"Wow, I suppose you wouldn't remember, being unconscious and all. I stole a thermometer from the library," Anna paused to face Elsa seriously. "Your family keeps a lot of weird stuff in there you know. It's like a treasure trove for the most random things. Anyway, I made it -10 degrees Celsius. Do you know how cold that is? Not as cold as a freezer but I still needed 5 pairs of socks."

Elsa was face-palming beside her. "I froze half the manor? Please tell me I didn't kill mother's indoor garden," she groaned.

"Yeah, you kind of did."

Elsa pulled the duvet cover over her head and mumbled some inaudible things.

"Hey, she was fine. Don't worry," Anna said soothingly. A muffled response came from beneath the sheets.

Anna tapped her hand on her side as she considered her next move. She couldn't allow Elsa to feel bad for every little thing. No, that just wouldn't do. Like a predator stalking its prey, Anna slowly and carefully slipped under the covers. With careful precision she nestled herself right up against Elsa, before breaking out into an almighty tickle attack.

"A-Anna-" Elsa gasped as her body was assaulted. She fought back but her lover was too fast. Anna grinned as she tore soft laughs from Elsa's throat. It had been too long since she'd heard that sweet sound.

"There will be no mercy from the caped duvet dragon!" she declared as she leapt to her feet, duvet thrust around her neck as a makeshift cape. She truly looked ridiculous.

"You dork." Elsa rolled her eyes.

Always so proper.

Elsa almost looked away in disapproval but she didn't have time. Anna had already belly flopped onto the bed and Elsa barely had the time to roll out of the way.

"You could have crushed me!"

"And you would have enjoyed every second of it," Anna murmured, already moving on top of Elsa and pinning her down onto the bed. She had her right where she wanted her.

Elsa was still wearing that prim and proper expression. The very one that Anna always found so antagonising, like she was too good to be fooling around like this. It was a challenge, and one that Anna would win.

She leaned down and kissed Elsa with all of the love and devotion from the depths of her soul.

I'll save you from yourself, I promise.