Chapter 24 - You're weak because you reject yourself

Chess. Noun. A board game of strategic skill for two players, played on a chequered board on which each playing piece is moved according to precise rules. The object is to put the opponent's king under a direct attack from which escape is impossible (checkmate).

Elsa had played the game a thousand times. She used to be good at it too. Used to, being the operative phrase. She had learnt after the first match that her mother was a formidable opponent. She needed to revise every strategy, yet even after trying various tactics she was still unable to win.

To Elsa's surprise, she hadn't found herself growing frustrated. Iduna had only occasionally goaded her since the first match, but even so, Elsa felt a quiet zen as she gazed across the board. Aside from her morning with Anna, it was the most peace she had felt in forever.

Focus. It was a contradiction finding it easier to think about the important things when her mind needed to be so sharp. She shouldn't have been thinking about her problems at all while concentrating on the game but between each move she was reminded of every memory she shared with her father. It took three games; three defeats, for her to realise she had already made her choice. The real problem she needed to work out was how she wouldn't screw everything up. She would accept her father's wish for her to play an active role in the company. In truth she had no choice. She'd never be able to live with herself if she didn't at least try. The more she reflected on it the more sure she became. I'd only be on the board. I can do that much for him. It did course raise more complications about the rest of her life, but for that she'd need to sit down with Anna and Olaf.

Olaf... I hope you're doing well. Worry gnawed at her but she was reminded of Anna's reassuring words that morning. He was ok. That was the important thing. I still can't believe those idiots risked it all for me...

Iduna moved a pawn at the start of the next match. Elsa had considered requesting a change in side considering just how well her mother was playing but she decided against bowing to superstition. She would win with her father's set. During the last three games she had tried everything she could to be unpredictable. I am always so slow to learn. She scolded herself. With the conviction of her decision came the conviction of this match. Iduna knew all of her moves because she had played with Agnarr. Reversing it, that meant she also knew most of her mother's moves. She had been caught off guard during the first match and had been trying to be too clever since. She would play this game relying on what she knew. Reverse psychology: it would be unexpected because it was too obvious.

It took every fibre of her being not to show her happiness as her mother, so predictably, was lured into every trap. Elsa sacrificed piece upon piece, letting Iduna believe she had the control. It was only when Elsa had her cornered did her mother show her irritation, and perhaps a spark of admiration.

"I was complacent," she murmured, knowing however she moved Elsa was a short few moves away from winning.

"Or perhaps I was just too good," Elsa couldn't hold back her smirk any longer. "Check."

"One out of five," Iduna was not shy to burst her bubble as she drew out the inevitable. Elsa didn't mind. In just another few moves she had her mother caught in a checkmate.

"It took you long enough to start using your head instead of your heart," Iduna spoke as she set up the board again. "You'll need to hold onto that if you're to make it in the world."

The weight of the advice knocked any joy Elsa had from winning straight out of her. I'll need to be stronger than I've ever been before. Do I even have that strength?

Elsa opened her mouth to speak but the words that followed weren't her own.

"Dinner is-" in one, fluid movement Anna had crashed into the drawing room, somehow tripped on her own feet and landed face down on the floor. "-ready," her voice was muffled by the plush carpet beneath her.

In the blink of an eye Elsa was by her side and helping her up.

"I'm fine! I'm fine," Anna paused, coming face to face with Elsa. "...but you can keep helping me-I mean-please keep helping me," she said with a goofy grin as she looked up brightly.

Elsa was held captive by those teal eyes for only a moment before she forced herself to snap out of it. She had already embarrassed herself in front of her mother enough today.

"I have a prior engagement this evening so I must decline the invitation. Perhaps another time," Iduna said as she rose to her feet. Her eye caught the shattered remains of the teacup and with nimble fingers she reached down and picked up pieces, placing them on the tray.

Anna's eye flicked between them all and the teacup. "Are you ok?" she asked Elsa in quiet concern.

"Oh, that. It was an accident," Elsa murmured. By the time she had risen to her feet to assist her mother she was done.

"If you are on the way to the kitchens you can take the tray," Iduna gave Elsa little choice as she simply handed it over to her. Elsa accepted with a small smile. Still as bossy as ever. Four years ago I'd have found it grating. Now it's almost endearing.

"Where are you going later?" Elsa asked curiously, not able to think up a single thing her mother could possibly be doing that would tear her from home.

"Nowhere that concerns you. I will be home late but Kai will be here. If anything happens, no matter how small, call me."

Call me. Elsa repeated in her mind. And then it hit her. Elsa hadn't actually had her phone since... That snake has it. She cursed, recalling last using it in the park. Hans was the only logical suspect. All of her contacts were on that phone, along with much of her work. Explaining that to Olaf was not going to be fun. At least Kai would have her mother's number should anything happen in her absence.

Her interest in Iduna's evening engagement was piqued by the fact she refused to let on just what she was doing. And why isn't Kai going? Surely she doesn't think I need babysitting.

"Kai isn't driving you?" Elsa raised an eyebrow.

"Contrary to popular belief, I can drive myself," she replied with mild sarcasm. Any grand plans of having Kai give her the juicy details of her mother's moonlight meeting completely fell through. Maybe he still knows...

"Anna, keep her out of trouble," Iduna glanced over to her before looking back at Elsa.

"I'll see you tomorrow." There was a moments hesitation before she leaned over and gave Elsa the briefest of kisses to her forehead. Elsa almost dropped the tray at the show of affection. Her mother was trying. Elsa clung to that knowledge.

"Don't worry, she is in safe hands," Anna promised, and to prove it she wrapped an arm around Elsa's waist. Iduna looked anything but convinced.

"Good. Let's hope I don't return home to find her with food poisoning," she said dryly, and Anna's face instantly dropped. Elsa let out a small chuckle.

"Be safe, I'll see you tomorrow. I..." Elsa braced herself to say the words. "I love you."

"I love you too."

Anna was distracted throughout dinner. She knew when Elsa had said the words she hadn't meant them like she would have done if speaking to her, but even so, it just reminded her of how desperate she was to hear them.

I love you.

Three small words that would have meant so much. Anna forced herself to let go. It was an insecurity that she wouldn't allow to ruin her time with Elsa.

Some hours later and back in Elsa's bedroom, Anna stepped out of the walk in wardrobe in one of her girlfriend's casual t-shirts and a fresh pair of panties. She had tried on some of Elsa's silky nightgowns but they just felt far too fancy for her.

"Don't you have your own clothes here?" Elsa raised an eyebrow from where she sat at the table. If Anna hadn't known better she would have assumed her girlfriend wasn't enjoying the view.

"Yes, but I like your clothes more," Anna said with a grin. She walked over and pulled her chair around to snuggle up to Elsa.

On second thought, Elsa really wasn't enjoying the view. Anna rested her elbow on the table and propped her head up as she gazed at her. She took a long moment to examine her girlfriend. It wasn't unusual to see her staring so intensely into her glass, mind caught up in her own thoughts. Anna had always known her to be serious about every little thing. After everything that had happened it was unsurprising to find her so tense. But for reasons she couldn't quite pinpoint, this seemed worse.

"Are you ok?" Anna wrapped an arm around her, squeezing her close. Anything to reassure her she was here and wouldn't leave. Elsa sat in contemplation for a further few minutes before letting out a sigh. She turned to face Anna.

"One would think after everything we've been through that it would be over. Or at least we would have time to sit back and just... work through things. To come to terms with it all," Elsa took a breath and Anna waited patiently, giving her all the time she needed to collect her thoughts. "When Father passed away..." she hesitated. Anna squeezed her hand reassuringly. "...He left me everything. I own the largest share in Arendelle Corporation. I have the power to influence the direction the company takes in the future."

Anna wasn't sure why the revelation surprised her. It was no secret Agnarr adored his daughter. She had learnt quickly after moving here just how complicated and strained the relationship had been, but also just how much he cared.

"Wait-" the penny dropped. "Shouldn't your mother-"

"-If my father hadn't left a will then yes, it would all have been her responsibility," Elsa said more sharply than she had intended.

"But he left it all for you," Anna hummed. It would complicate things, but in the end it was just another hurdle to overcome. And she was sure they could overcome it.

"Ok, so what are we going to do? Move to the city? I could be your PA." I would love to be your PA. Anna stared dreamily into the distance as she imaged all of the things they would get up to: all of the non-work related things-

"No, Anna," Elsa shook her head, exasperated. Anna was about to give a tort reply about how she'd make a damn fine personal assistant but she managed to hold back the words before they blurted from her mouth. Be patient. She repeated the words in her head. She doesn't need you arguing with her.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that," she apologised quickly, pressing a hand to her temples. "It's hard. Being here... without Father," Elsa took a shaky breath. Anna waited, giving her all the time in the world to find a voice for those feelings.

"Everything is the same. How can everything just carry on? How can I just replace him? How is that right? How is that fair?"

Anna gave her a smile filled with sadness and understanding. She knew exactly what Elsa was going through. Anna had been through it too, after all. Perhaps one could even say she'd been through worse. And that was why she knew she had to be here. She would never wish for another person to go through what she had been through alone.

"The world isn't fair." She pulled Elsa in close and kissed her forehead. "And life does just carry on. You can't stop time. You can't go back. But you can remember them. You can honour their memory by living your life. Be true to yourself, respect what they wanted but walk your own path. I believe they are up there, watching from somewhere. I don't really know if it's heaven, or just the next life. But I like to think we all have our guardian angels. I think your dad would definitely be your angel."

It was enough to get a genuine smile from Elsa.

"That's a poetic way of looking at it," she murmured. "So full of hope. I'm envious of your light; your optimism," she admitted while casting Anna a side glance. "I know what I need to do. My mind tells me that plain as day. And yet my heart feels like its tearing me apart. How do I stop this feeling?"

"You're lucky." Elsa turned sharply to Anna in surprise at the statement. "You don't need to be envious. I'm here to give you everything." It was a promise, and one Anna intended to keep.

Just seeing Elsa so tense and so at war with her feelings was enough to anger her. This awful habit she had of bottling everything up had to end.

Slowly, Anna moved so she straddled Elsa's lap. She took her lover's face firmly in her hands.

"You can't just not feel. You can't have happiness or love without pain. It's the trade off. Pretending your pain isn't there is the same as running away."

She gazed into Elsa's eyes and saw the cogs in her mind turning at the comment. She supposed no one had ever spoken to her so frankly to her before. Or perhaps they had, but not in the manner that Anna was. She knew what Iduna and Agnarr were like from spending years with them, and she knew from being friends with Elsa just how distant they all had been. How much they all relied on being proper, isolated, unfeeling. Elsa would only have gotten that from her parents. Elsa had so few friends outside of her home to give her the support she so desperately needed. All at once Anna felt an incredible pity for her lover. No wonder you're like this. You never knew anything else.

"I am so weak," Elsa murmured. Anna's hands tightened.

"You're weak because you reject yourself, not because of your pain," Anna said all too fiercely. "Everyone hurts. Everyone makes mistakes-" Anna had to let go before she lost herself to this fire. It was ironic that Elsa believed her to be so full of light... so pure. In her mind she was anything but those things. It was because of all of the hurt and mistakes that she was able to understand just how important it was to hold onto hope. That didn't make her purer than anyone else.

She stood her ground from where she sat, faces inches from each other. At that very moment she was sure she could see right into the dark void of Elsa's soul. Insecurities mixed with fear and loss. Anna was desperate to ease her burden, but she wasn't sure how.

...And then she saw something else. Something familiar. Herself. Anna sat back, startled at how much Elsa's eyes looked like her own in the mirror. It was a look she hadn't seen for so long, but she knew it all the same.

Anna scrambled up from Elsa's lap and stepped around the table. She couldn't make sense of why this had affected her more than everything else so far. Perhaps that was untrue; nothing could match the revelation in the park, but somehow seeing herself in Elsa frightened her more than she believed possible.

"Anna?" Elsa questioned, clear concern in her voice.

"I'm ok. I just thought I saw a ghost," she replied evasively while twiddling with a braid.

"A ghost?" Elsa asked sceptically.

Anna took a breath. Elsa didn't need her burdens right now. She needed stability and support.

"Yeah. Your house is so old it's probably haunted," she replied with as much humour as she could muster. She chewed on her lip as she glanced at Elsa raising an eyebrow. To Anna's relief she let the matter drop.

"Do you mind if we just head straight to bed tonight? My head is killing me."

"That sounds great," Anna said almost too enthusiastically. Why do I say things I don't mean? She silently berated herself. What she really wanted to do was strip Elsa's clothes off and explore that delicious body.

She has so much to work through. We both do. She sighed inwardly as old feelings resurfaced. She rolled her shoulders in an attempt to shake off those emotions. She had let go of them long ago, they had no business haunting her now.

Anna picked up her glass and gulped down the dregs of her cider. She caught Elsa giving her that familiar look of disapproval.

"It would go flat if I didn't finish it. I can hardly waste it," Anna shrugged with a playful smirk. Elsa said nothing, not that she needed to with that piercing gaze. She shook her head before getting up and heading into the en suite bathroom. Anna let out an audible sigh as she watched Elsa's hips sway, her loose blond hair trailing down her back. It was doing nothing to help her hazy mind.

"Can't life just be uncomplicated?" she murmured to herself before flopping onto the bed.

Despite Elsa having had the day to rest up she felt like she hadn't had any real rest at all. There had been brief moments to collect her thoughts but the shock of being home and the revelation of her father's will were taking their toll.

It wasn't easy dragging herself up from the depths of her mind. She had all but given up hope in that laboratory, but now was different. Her mother's words were ringing true in her mind: Anna wouldn't want a life stuck here. She needed to pull herself together. If not for herself then for Anna.

So as the gorgeous redhead slept soundly beside her Elsa crept out of the bed. She gazed down at Anna's peaceful face in the moonlit room. I really was so lucky to catch you. She dared not speak it aloud in case it woke her. With a small smile she pulled her dressing gown around her and headed out.

Elsa took silent steps as she walked barefoot through the halls. The feeling was nostalgic. Exploring the hidden depths of her parent's home had been one of the only things she had been able to do as an inquisitive child, and there had been plenty to explore. Tonight however wasn't meant for exploration, at least not of the manor. Elsa exited the house through the kitchen and stepped out into the gardens beyond.

To anyone else the icy stone path would have frozen their bare feet but Elsa found comfort in the chill. It was too cold for snow. She was acutely aware of the fact even if she wasn't consciously aware how.

"...To be the superhero Anna believes I can be," she murmured aloud, removing her dressing gown so she could fully embrace the winter. She tossed it onto a chair as she walked in just her nightwear further from the house.

The vast lawn extended outward in every direction. It wasn't as much space as Elsa wished for but it would suffice. She just prayed she didn't destroy her mother's hedges and flowerbeds beyond. That was a wrath she'd rather not face in the morning.

Flexing both hands, Elsa dived headfirst into the magic that she so frequently did everything she could to avoid thinking about. The first step was to embrace it; at least that was what she had made up in her list of ways to control her power. It wasn't an extensive list, nor was it well informed. She really had no idea how to begin approaching the subject of maintaining a regular control over whatever it was that burst free every time her emotions went haywire, but this was as good a beginning as any.

A familiar cold rushed through her and instinctively she held it back. How can you test your limits if you hold back? The mental pep talk wasn't filling her with any confidence. What if I destroy the garden? The house? Anna? It took every ounce of her bravery and courage to open the dam and release the storm.

She didn't need to open her eyes to see the whiteout surrounding her. She could feel every snowflake as if it were an extension of her body. The storm around her was fierce but Elsa pushed it further and harder with tentative thoughts. Her fear of unleashing it only seemed to make it grow. It was far beyond the gardens now; no doubt reaching out to the surrounding woodland and streets.

With a clenched fist she tried to pull it back.

"Dammit," she said through gritted teeth. "What use is it if I can't stop it?" She muttered as she slumped to her knees. What did it matter if she froze the whole surrounding area? Now Weselton and Hans knew about her power it could be announced publicly at any moment.

"I can't just change what I feel at the drop of a hat. I need to find another way."

The rattle of heavy rain against the window disturbed Anna's sleep. She rolled over, arm reaching over to pull Elsa tight. Eyes snapped open when her hand hit the mattress.

"Elsa?" She called in a panic, wide awake in an instant. She wouldn't run away again. She wouldn't. Anna repeated in her mind as she leapt to her feet and skidded into the bathroom. Empty. The roar of the wind outside drew her attention to the window. It dawned on her: that wasn't rain. It was snow. Elsa. Anna had never felt so much fear in her heart. Elsa was suffering, of that she had no doubt.

She threw herself at the window and squinted to see beyond the blizzard. In the darkness it was impossible. What if she has left? Anna couldn't let herself believe that. Not after she finally knew everything. She had accepted her and all she had done. She couldn't go. It wouldn't be fair. Anna was already running down the hall, pulling her jacket on as she did. Going outside in the height of winter in one of Elsa's storms was crazy but she wouldn't let Elsa leave her. Not again.

By the time Anna made it out of the house and into the gardens the storm had all but dissipated. Her eyes went wide with disbelief as she gazed up at the clear sky. A rainbow of colours shimmered across it but not in the way the northern lights did. It was almost like a rainbow at midnight. Slowly she looked down to see Elsa, back to her, across the lawn, arms furiously waving snow from the ground and into the air. The balls exploded into silent fireworks, altering the rainbow of colours in the sky as they rippled through. The fragments stayed suspended though, only moving at the flick of Elsa's wrist. It was like watching someone throw paint across a canvas.

There is no way. Anna blinked in disbelief. She stood silently, watching in awe. A breeze of frigid air made her shudder but she couldn't head inside. The scene was too mesmerising to miss. I can hold out a few minutes. She resolved as she subconsciously stepped forward.

Elsa slumped forward, barely staying on her feet as the familiar feeling of exhaustion hit her. Usually the emotional exhaustion hit her faster and harder than any physical reaction but here out in the open air alone her mind was as free as a bird.

She dragged her legs forward with effort. It was like every cell was contributing to her power and they couldn't replenish fast enough. It hurt, but in a good way. Like she had run five laps around the estate. She idly wondered if her power was like a muscle, the more it was used the stronger and more durable it became. It was just another thing to add to her list.

Closing her eyes, she allowed the wind and cold to consume her. Standing in a garden of ice and snow, beneath a sky she had created, was quite possibly the most serene thing she had ever experienced. The soft sound of frozen vines from nearby trees ringing out like wind chimes echoed out across the garden. For the first time felt beauty in what she could do. It gave her hope that perhaps there was a future for her.

"Wow, Elsa-" Elsa snapped out of her serenity at the unmistakable voice of Anna. She spun around in a flash. "-this is stunning! Beautiful!" the bubbly redhead said in awe as she approached. Elsa flinched back as Anna went to touch her.

"Anna, you shouldn't be out here. You'll freeze," she told her seriously, taking one step back for each one Anna took forward. Elsa held her hands back; afraid a stray spark of magic would somehow leap out and harm her.

"Anna, please."

"I'm fine," Anna shrugged her concern off, not missing the fear alight in Elsa's eyes.

Anna was shivering hard but she hadn't been able to tear herself away from Elsa. She had never seen her so alive and free. It was as beautiful to see her as it was to see what she was crafting. Watching the sky come alive had been captivating. And yet standing within all this beauty she couldn't take her eyes off of the woman before her. And now all of that beauty had been marred by that fear.

"You're not fine," Elsa said exasperated.

"Ok, so I am pretty cold," she relented. "And I'm also pretty sure I had a heart attack when I woke up and you weren't there."

"You thought I had run away," Elsa slapped a palm to her head. "I made you worry."

Anna smiled. Oh boy did she worry, but seeing Elsa like this was worth every moment of that anxiety.

"You did, but we're both here now. And just look at what you've done!" Anna threw her arms out wide. "This is incredible, Elsa. You literally painted the-" Anna took one step forward, slipped on the ice and landed straight into Elsa's arms. Why am I such a klutz? Gods, here she is all elegant and I can't even stay upright... Anna blinked as she looked down to where Elsa held her.

"Wow, Elsa you're warm. Hot, even," she said in disbelief. "You're not getting a fever again are you?" she reached up and pressed her hand to Elsa's forehead.

Elsa blinked. Before she could open her mouth to speak Anna continued. "You're not fine," she mimicked the way Elsa had said it earlier. Elsa's face contorted to one of mild irritation and Anna grinned at the reaction.

Anna leaned into the nook of Elsa's neck and inhaled that sweet perfume she loved so much. She knew very well Elsa didn't have a fever. Her skin wasn't clammy and she wasn't shivering. Her chest heaved, no doubt from the effort of creating so much ice with precision, but she seemed well.

"Don't overdo it. I don't want you to get sick again," Anna murmured.

"I know," Elsa gave her a delicate kiss through her hair. "But I have to test my limits. To control this I have to use it."

Elsa was right, of course. Anna knew that much but even so, the thought of seeing Elsa so unwell did more to chill her than the frigid air.

Anna shuddered as Elsa's burning hand drew down her back. Why was she so warm? And why did Anna not feel the slightest bit cold in her lover's arms?

"We should go inside," Elsa's voice was little more than a whisper.

Anna held onto her to prevent her from standing, torn between wanting Elsa to continue and wanting her to take a break. I guess it is pretty late.

"Alright. But promise me you'll make this for me again sometime. I really enjoyed watching it," Anna pulled back enough to look up into Elsa's eyes. She caught the flickers of hesitation.

Elsa could never resist those puppy eyes and Anna knew it. "...Fine," she sighed. "Now come on, inside before you freeze."

A/N: Sorry it took so long to get this one out. I've been finding it harder to sit down and write recently but I am still working on this story.

I originally had a full on Let It Go moment here, but it was just too cliched so it got partially cut.

Elsa being hot to touch might be a little contradictory considering how she's always cold, but my physics brain couldn't help but think the transfer of warmth to Anna would make Elsa appear hot. It scrambled my brain too. Made up magic is complicated.

Thanks again to everyone who has reviewed and followed this story so far.