Note from the Author:
Ten days and I'm back already!? Oh well, I'm not complaining.
This review will be done in the style of an Honest Trailer, since I want my first real review of an actual story to be Hoenn Master96's The Chronicles of the Aura Knights (which will take a little while longer to finish), and because I think this is too great of an opportunity to pass up. If you saw the mock trailer parody back in my review of Let It Pass, then this should be pretty easy to understand since it follows the same structure. And don't worry, I made this with Ryu Taylor's 'blessing'...
(The author immediately dives to avoid a barrage of tomatoes and their accompanying heckles.)
Mew flew into Arceus' study like her tail was on fire, and quickly looked over her shoulder before gazing at his computer.
"I can't believe he shot down my suggestion to do a review of The Dark Blessing! So what if Genesect's done it already..." Mew then glanced back up at the machine, and slowly flew over to it, the feline-like Legendary feeling a pit begin to form in her stomach.
"Why am I so hesitant suddenly?" she thought to herself. "I know I have a failsafe in case Arceus interrupts..."
Mew then glanced down to the tape recorder that she held in her right paw, then back to the device as a horrifying conclusion came to mind. "No... It can't be... Have I grown a conscience!?" As quickly as the sensation came into her mind, it left even quicker.
"Nah. Let's get this review started!" She cheered, but not loudly enough to give away her location. Mew then developed a slight frown at another realization. "Still; I won't have much time, so I think I'll have to do this review in a... unorthodox way."
The Psychic Legendary then quickly turned on the computer and started looking through its functions.
"Since Mewtwo made this, I'm sure it can make movies. But I bet Arceus wouldn't know how to use it. Here it is!" she exclaimed in a sickeningly happy voice before going to work.
(A rather deep voice began to speak as the screen went blank before changing to the rating card.)
The following trailer is rated "S", for satire.
(Following this, the screen went black before counting down in an old fashioned cinema style.)
From the author who became public enemy number one to Bronies everywhere, comes the first story in a Saga that put almost every other Pokémon Mystery Dungeon fanfiction on suicide alert:
"Pokémon Mystery Dungeon - The Dark Blessing" by Ryu Taylor the Ferret
Before you read the two sequels filled with music suggestions that quickly go out of style (seriously; there are hundreds of pieces of classical music. Just pick some of them, they still hold up after centuries), or the Q & A that delved into the inner workings of the saga; relive the thrilling adventure of the story that started it all.
Join Pugno and Pelame; two Pokémon who happen to be the most chosen species in the Mystery Dungeon franchise, and their battle against Unod: a villain who makes more comebacks than Revan.
"Is that it?" Celebi asked. "Is Unod FINALLY dead yet?"
Watch as Pugno and Pelame valiantly struggle against an enemy who kills off more characters than 24, but completely forget about the one item that can level the playing field.
The next day, while on a rescue mission at the Drenched Bluff, Pugno tried out the new Space Globe. It raised all of his stats to their maximum, and he could tell, especially after it caused his Aura Sphere attack to take out a chunk of a ceiling of Drenched Bluff courtesy of a Lileep that moved too quickly.
"From the beach. I had Lapras take me to the foot of the bluff, and then I dove down and found the source of the fountain. Then I just placed the Space Globe in a spot where the flow won't move it in any direction."
Feel the shivers down your spine as you witness the "Dark Blessing"; a grab bag of superpowers that gets more ridiculous and overpowered as the story progress, which includes, but is not limited to:
Diabolical Acting:
"The power of the Demon Type is my reward for accepting the 'Dark Blessing,'" Crobat cackled. "Now nothing can stop me! Least of all, you little nothings! Wicked Ball!"
"What do mean 'would've been?'" Unod taunted. "YOU'RE ALL GONERS!"
Cremation:
Before anything could be said, Crobat's corpse suddenly caught fire, as did the corpses of the other dead Pokémon in the clearing. In seconds, the pitch-black flames reduced the bodies to nothing. Not even ashes remained.
Loyal's body caught fire. In a few seconds, the pitch-black flames destroyed her body, not even leaving ashes behind.
Cresselia's dead body caught fire and burned up instantly, not even leaving ashes behind.
Guilt Trips:
"It was her own fault for trusting you, Grovie,"
"He didn't though. You know that betrayal of trust is to be punished, so punish him now while you have the chance!"
"Oh, I know, Pugno," Unod said. "Yet, as hard as this may be to believe, you're the most heinous exploiter of trust in front of me right now."
Sound Effects from Looney Tunes:
With the sound of a laser and a gunshot going off simultaneously, the three Starly children died instantly.
Deus Ex Machinas:
No one else could utter a word. They were absolutely stunned that Unod was apparently still alive.
And Lethargy:
Suddenly, the assailant unleashed a move that did something strange to the three remaining Teammates. After the world went dark for a split-second, the Teammates felt as though they had suffered every single status ailment simultaneously.
Then there's Unod, the ultimate Pokémon Mystery Dungeon villain; someone so overpowered, she makes Brawl-Era Meta Knight look like a Magikarp. A creature so nihilistic, she goes on a homicidal rampage for the sake of it, but would rather play mind games with the main characters instead of killing them.
But rather than using her powers to kill the protagonists before they can defeat her, she just rips off Darkrai and tries to get Pelame to give up via dreams. And she spares Team Skull. And she lets Grovyle and the Guild Members live. And she lets that Meowth and Ditto live. And she gives her power to dozens of Pokémon instead of killing them.
For someone so hell-bent on erasing all life, she sure seems to let a lot of people live, even if they'll all just die in the end. But that doesn't matter, because she has a plan so needlessly complicated, it will leave you asking questions like:
(The scene suddenly changes to Mew, who is sitting down at a table, with a cup of coffee labeled 'Extra Caffeine' in hand.)
What's stopping her? Since she puts Gen I Psychic Types to shame when it comes to being overpowered, what's keeping her from storming down to the beach and forcing Lapras to take her to the Hidden Land instead of just needlessly complicating things?
Why does she constantly infect Pokémon with the Dark Blessing? Since they're all going to die in the end, then why waste the time, resources and risk the chance of being stopped?
If she revives herself in a more powerful form when she dies, why not just let the army of Exploration Teams kill her and then take them all out when they're gathered in one spot?
If she thinks life is too trivial to be worth living, then why not just kill herself?
If the Dark Blessing can create Space-Time Vortexes, then why not just create one to the Hidden Land? That's presumably how Darkrai got there to sabotage Temporal Tower, and how Team Space-Time gets there as well.
Why not just kill Pelame when she had the chance? She made it perfectly clear she wouldn't accept the Dark Blessing, so why not just take out the biggest threat to your plans when you had the multiple chances to?
And what is her motive? If she wants to erase all life, then why does she focus most of her efforts on Pelame?
(The scene then changes back to the trailer.)
See a climax so intense, it has not one, but two unwarranted Deus Ex Machina's in it. And surprisingly, the Human-turned-Pokémon character doesn't pull off either. Huh...
Feel the angst as two legendaries and Unod die, only to be told that their deaths were completely pointless since they can all come back after some time has passed. Feel the joy as Pugno finally confess' his feelings to Pelame at the worst possible time, in the worst possible situation, in an attempt to gain sympathy from the most heartless being to have ever lived.
"Wow, Pugno," Celebi said. "That was beautiful." She turned to face Unod. "You heard that, right?! He loves her, and it's likely he'll be lost without her!"
"I see," Unod admitted. "Then I guess he'll just have to find another Eevee to develop a crush on! It won't be hard; there's hundreds of Eevee's in the world. At least one will sink low enough to return his affections!"
And witness an ending so rushed and lazy, that the author almost forgot that the good guys have to win, so he just threw in a Deus Ex Machina out of the blue, quickly wrapped up almost every loose end by destroying the entirety of the Hidden Land, and didn't even bother to try to explain how Dialga was revived, how Pelame could be impaled but walk away with only a few scars, or how time could function without the Temporal Tower. And groan in frustration as it is revealed that, true to almost every Mystery Dungeon story, our heroes can never actually live their lives because there might be a bigger threat out there.
So, whenever you have the time to read 35,000 something words, get ready to see one of the most action packed Pokémon Mystery Dungeon stories ever made, in all of it's interrupted dialogue glory.
Starring:
Fox and Krystal
"I wish I'd never met you, you little S.O.B!" Pelame shouted.
"Same to you, you self-centered, trust-breaking hussy!" Pugno shot back.
With nothing else to say, the two headed down the mountain in separate directions. From their sides, they both took off their Exploration Team badges and threw them at each other.
Kreia
"Because trust is nothing but a weapon," Unod said.
Foreshadowing
"Sis, you are going to regret this," the younger Sneasel said.
Plot Fodder
"When I grow up, I want to be an Explorer!" said a young, but tall Sneasel.
Dan Green
"I will, Loyal," Grovyle said.
Forward to the Past
"Well," Celebi said. "I guess we're staying here for a little while longer. It works out for me; I'm kinda starting to like it here."
The Atoner
"All is forgiven, Pelame," Dusknoir said. "I've never thought ill of you for your behavior. I think you were justified in being cautious of me. But it's good to see that you're ready to make amends. I wish to apologize, too, for all the wrong I've done to you and your friends. Though I'm late by more than two years in doing so."
Stay Puft
Guildmaster Wigglytuff said. "Everyone, we're moving out! YOOOOM-TAAAH!"
George Costanza
Chatot came running frantically around the guild in an absolute panic.
Loudspeaker
"ALLOW me to escort her out!" Loudred shouted, advancing on Sneasel. He then picked her up and took her to the guild's front door. "Stay OUT and SHUT UP!"
(That guy should really listen to his own advice.)
Team Rocket
"Seconded," Skuntank said. "As soon as we give Unod what she deserves, we're going back to the status quo."
TIME IN YOUR FAAACE!
"YOU AREN'T GOING TO CLAIM MY TOWER!" Dialga declared. "YOU'RE NOT DOING MUCH TO CLAIM IT, ANYWAY!"
And the ones everyone forgets
"And don't forget us," said the Sableye.
"Pokémon Mystery Dungeon - The Dark Night"
Out Already...
As Mew was congratulating herself on a job well done, she failed to notice Arceus floating into the room until his shadow completely engulfed her. She then turned around to see the equine-like Legendary staring down at her, his eyes narrowed in a display of an emotion Mew could not put her paw on.
"What are you doing?"
"Staring at you." Arceus' eyes narrowed even more, this time in a display of barely controlled frustration.
"Move aside." Arceus ordered. He did not even give her the time to float away from the device as, with a simple toss of his head, she was blown away as if being a leaf in the wind. Examining the device and its content, his eyes widened in shock momentarily, before reverting back to their previous state in anger.
"I thought I made it explicitly clear I would not be reviewing The Dark Blessing!" Mew crossed her arms and pouted.
"But I made it. Besides Arcy, it's a parody, not a review." Arceus glared at her for her insolence before going back to the machine.
"Semantics. I already rip off Keldeo, the last thing I need is to be a rip off of Genesect. Now, I will be deleting this, and-"
"I guess I would have to play this tape recording to as many Legendaries as I possibly could." Mew interrupted, holding up said device with a false tone of remorse. Arceus looked lazily at her, before disregarding her and going back to his computer.
"You already blackmailed me in Season One, what could you possible have tha-" Mew then pressed the play button, and watched as Arceus' eyes grew wider with each statement in his 'confession'. However, rather than leave and say nothing as she expected him to, he immediately turned and charged at the now terrified pink legendary.
"Relinquish that recorder, NOW!" he bellowed as he dove head first for her at a speed so quick she barely had enough time to dive out of his way. Since it was clear that her plan had gone horribly wrong, Mew quickly teleported out of the room in a burst of light, right before Arceus could corner her.
Mew reappeared in Spear Pillar below, right in the middle of Palkia and Dialga squabbling over the nature of the space-time fabric and a few other metaphysics that went over her head. Both were surprised to see her and immediately stopped their argument, and were taken aback again when Arceus appeared out of thin air too.
"MEW!" the Legendary in question was so terrified, she squeezed the tape recorder hard enough that it flew out of her hand and into the air. Palkia, being the only other legendary with arms, caught it. Not knowing what else to do, he pressed the play button.
"NO!" both Mew and Arceus cried out, for their own reasons. But it was too late to stop it. To Arceus' surprise, and Mew's horror, due to the fact Mew had not re-winded it from the previous playback, what came out first was not a recording of his confession but the one line that drove him to it. Though his 'confession' started to play in the background, Arceus no longer cared and turned to face Mew. She flew backwards, all the color leaving her face as she saw an unholy rage in Arceus' eyes, one that threatened to do far worse things than just erase her existence.
"You were the one who tormented me?" Arceus said in a voice that can be best described as resonating with something worse than murderous intent. Mew did not dare to respond. But before Arceus could act, Dialgia's obnoxiously loud voice rang out.
"YOU KNEW THAT DAMOS WAS INNOCENT?" Arceus turned his head back for a split second to glance sideways at the Legendary of Time. Whether it was to chide him, order him to be silent, or just display frustration, Mew didn't care. She took the one chance she had to live and teleported away before Arceus could stop her. Arceus quickly pursued, leaving Palkia and Dialga more confused than they were before.
After chasing Mew through four regions, and having to defeat an army of trainers who each wanted their chance to claim the most powerful Pokémon in existence as their own, Arceus had finally given up and decided to head back to the Hall. When he reentered the structure, the sudden stillness and absolute lack of life within it crashed into him with like one of those undefeatable walls.
It had been centuries since Arceus had the Hall of Origin to himself, and he would enjoy every minute of the peace and quite he would get from it. And without Mew interrupting him, he could finally undertake the most ambitious project he had planned. Though part of the Legendary was worried about what sort of havoc the hyperactive furball would leave in her wake, be it direct or indirect, the Mew-weary side of him quickly muzzled any complaints. The first thing on his to-do list was to take a nap, one he knew would go uninterrupted.
The End
Special Thanks:
Ryu Taylor the Ferret
Credits:
The Angry Bug Show
Honest Trailers
Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Time/Darkness/Sky
Knights of the Old Republic
24
Looney Tunes
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Star Fox
Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords
Back to the Future
TV Tropes
Ghostbusters
Seinfeld
Pokémon
Kid Icarus: Uprising
The Dark Knight
Another Note from the Author:
Two A/N's in one chapter!? Oh well... Anyways, I had Mew do this 'review' simply because I could never see Arceus making so many pop culture references. As for my personal opinion on the Dark Blessing; it's similar to Let It Pass. It starts off really well and is a pretty good idea, but slowly degrades over time until it's just average, and if the author went back and changed around a few things it could be really good. (Though I do have to give it kudos for keeping most of the characters in character, and doing such a good job with portraying Grovyle I could literally find nothing wrong with him.)
Fortunately that's the great thing about Fanfiction; most of the author's here don't have a huge hubris and have the means to go back and polish up their writing if they ever feel like it (that unfortunately is the problem with Fanfiction; most of the authors are somewhat lazy or inconsistent and undedicated), which is exactly what Ryu Taylor will be doing. I imagine his rewrite will void a lot of my criticism.
As for the inevitable question of what will happen to Mew; you'll have to wait to find out. To be honest, the exact nature of hers and Arceus' relationship has managed to still elude me. While it is certainly far from platonic, and nowhere near romantic, it is something like a strange father-daughter/tormented-tormentor/roommate friendship that I can't really describe.