Note from the Author:
Well, the previous chapter wasn't my best. It was more of an experiment that blew up in its face, but I hope this one rede-
I thought I blew you up.
(Arceus then pressed a large red button that read 'do not touch'.)
Cont. Note from the Author:
(The Author looked up and screamed in terror as a giant weight with the words '16 Tons' written in large white ink on the front fell on him. Despite the crushing weight, a muffled statement managed to make its way out.)
I'm not dead yet!
(The Author and giant weight promptly blew up.)
Better.
(Arceus then turned to the camera.)
In a moment I will appear in the review.
(Arceus suddenly disappeared.)
Thank you.
Note from the Co-Author:
...Is this where the line starts?
(A sigh from Arceus could be heard off-screen.)
April 1st, 2015...
A lone Delibird nervously flew through the sky, holding his usual mail sack in his beak. Despite defying the entire biology of his species, the bird managed to land safely in Full Court before slinging his bag over his shoulder and tip-toeing towards the entrance of Kyurem's ice castle. He recalled being here a year or so ago and wished that he never had to do it again.
"M-m-mail call..." he nervously shouted into the entrance of the cave. He felt the temperature immediately drop multiple degrees as the creature came into view. Freezing winds blew out of his mouth with each breath he took, and each step sent a jolt over the Delibird's entire body. The penguin took a couple steps back, looking at the creature in horror. The creature moved ever closer to the bird as ice began covering the ground around him. The Delibird wanted to fly away in terror but was held in place by the horror of the creature. The ground around him was now completely covered in ice, and still Kyurem stepped closer, not making a noise. It wasn't until the dragon's head was inches away from the Delibird's face before the tension was broken.
"Are you going to give me the mail or what?" Kyurem asked sleepily before taking a sip of his iced coffee. The Delibird looked in both directions in confusion before giving a letter to Kyurem with a shaking flipper. Kyurem snatched it from the penguin and looked at him with mild annoyance. "What the heck is your problem?"
"A-a-aren't you g-g-going to roar at me or eat me?" The Delibird asked fearfully, as to which Kyurem rolled his eyes.
"Look, it's too early in the morning for me to-" Kyurem cut himself off and gave an ear-splitting roar right in the Delibird's face, causing the screaming penguin to frantically stumble away from the dragon before taking off into the sky, leaving his mail bag behind. Kyurem chuckled to himself before ripping the envelope in two, grabbing the halves of the paper inside and holding them together for him to read. The writing was in perfect handwriting and in cursive, causing Kyurem to squint at the paper. The letter seemed to be from none other than Arceus, leader of the legendaries himself. The note stated that Kyurem was required to report at the Hall of Origin immediately. After reading the letter, Kyurem sighed, threw the papers on the ground and turned back towards his castle.
"I'm going to an alternate dimension to converse with a Demi-God!" he presumably yelled to the lead Cryogonal. "I'll probably be late, so go ahead and make dinner!"
"M'kay," was the response from inside the castle. Kyurem nodded and headed out of Full Court, finishing off his iced coffee.
...
Kyurem marched up the steps to the Hall of Origin and towards the golden gate that marked the entrance of the home of Arceus the Critic. The dragon pondered how he had gotten to this other dimension beyond time and space, but decided that he had more important matters to take care of. The only reason the demi-god Pokemon would call him to his palace would be because of the incident around Christmas time where he had not-so-accidentally stolen from Arceus and broke down some of the walls of his house. One of his Cryogonal had thrown Arceus' toothbrush in the toilet, but that was completely unrelated to Kyurem's actions. Besides, considering that Arceus had no mouth, he probably didn't notice.
The ice dragon reached the entrance and tried to slam the doors open, only to find that they were to be pulled from the outside. Kyurem growled and tried to reach the handles above his head, only to find that his short arms just couldn't reach.
"Hello again." Arceus said in his usual stuffy manner before turning away from the supposedly non-existent camera and to the large doors across from his throne. His senses managed to detect an icy, chilling presence on the other side that normally would have terrified lesser men and Pokémon, but to him it was simply expected. He willed the massive doors to open, causing them to creak as they parted, saving Kyurem from the trouble of having to try to use his rather stubby arms to open them. The Ice Dragon took a few earth shattering steps forward, his mere presence causing the temperature in the room to drop, his every breath exerting an icy air that chilled its surroundings.
"Why did you summon me, Arceus? If this is about the degree and your wall-" Arceus' eyes narrowed at the memory, his face only betraying a slight irritation, and the pseudo-deity floated down from his radiant throne.
"No, it is not. I have deigned to permit you to retain it. Rather I have called you here to apologize myself."
"Then you can shove it up your-" Kyurem blinked as Arceus' words sunk in. "Wait, what?"
Arceus nodded, electing to overlook what he was about to say. "Yes; it has come to my attention that Mew teleported that human from the beginning of the season to your castle rather than his campsite, and though he helped you, I still must apologize for the inconvenience."
"Where have you been for the past five months?"
"Here, in my abode, for the majority of it. And in a short state of madness, but I believe that to be through." Kyurem blinked.
"Right... If that's all then, I should be going." The massive dragon turned around, preparing to leave.
"There is one more thing; and I believe that it would do you well to take interest." Kyurem stopped mid-stomp and turned back around.
"Fine. But stop talking like that." Arceus shot him a look that said 'You're pushing it', before floating around.
"Very well," he said in the same neutral tone that gave little indication to his own thoughts, something that barely managed to concerned the other critic present. "Follow me."
Rather than actually go anywhere, Arceus' wheel glowed a golden hue before both Pokémon vanished in a brilliant flash of light, the two being teleported into a title sequence.
When Kyurem opened his eyes, he found himself and Arceus outside a large movie theater, with a whimsical number playing in the background. The giant Ice Dragon, completely unaware of the panicking masses around him, glanced up at the at the sign to see what was playing.
At The Reviews
With Kyurem the Critic and Arceus the Critic
Arceus noticed the sign as well, and while Kyurem was too busy trying to figure out what was happening, Arceus used his reality warping powers to 'correct' the sign.
At The Reviews
With Arceus the Critic and Kyurem the Critic
While Kyurem frowned at the sudden change, Arceus floated up to the box office and present a sheet of paper to the awed teller inside. The man quickly produced an orange ticket with his name on it, and Arceus mentally grabbed it before heading inside the building, resulting in the entire structure immediately becoming quiet. Kyurem walked up to the box office as well, his steps coming off more as stomps, and snarled at the teller while banging his stubby claw on the counter. The man promptly fainted, a similar orange ticket ejecting from the machine with the Legend's name on it, though it was spelled 'Kyurim'. Kyurem went inside the theater as well, rolling his eyes. Everyone in the lobby promptly screamed and ran out.
Arceus floated up to the now vacant concessions counter, materializing a briefcase from nowhere, and opened it up to reveal a bucket of popcorn, a soda and a box of Junior Mints inside, as well as a copy of a newspaper on the bottom. Arceus salted the bucket of popcorn while Kyurem went up to a vending machine that conveniently sold notepads, unleashed an Ice Beam on the glass, and punched through it, grabbing the reporters notes in the process.
Arceus then galloped up the stairs of the theater to the showing room, levitated briefcase in tow, while Kyurem slowly marched up them, taking a quick look over his shoulder as he reached the landing, swatting away a Pokeball that was thrown at him and firing an Ice Beam in the direction of the Pokeball's trajectory before heading up the second flight. The two critics found themselves on a balcony facing a large projection screen, and Arceus floated over to the pathetically proportioned seat on his side. His eyes flashed for a moment, and both his and Kyurem's standard movie seats were replaced with their respective thrones.
Kyurem gave a gruff acknowledgement before looking at the screen as it began to flicker to life, before quickly shutting off as Kyurem decided to interrogate his partner.
"Okay, Arceus. You dragged me all the way through that parody, so you might as well tell me what we're reviewing together."
"A... story. If it could even be called that. Given the fact that your Critiquing Diploma is still revoked I hesitated to bring you in, but I thought it only just given the circumstances." Kyurem turned to face the pseudo-deity, his yellow eyes piercing through the darkness.
"Circumstances? Just?"
"Yes. I warn you; this involves you in a-" Arceus began before shaking his head. Not that anyone could make it out given the fact that the lights were dimmed and the review hadn't begun due to the dialogue. "Perhaps it would just be easier to show you."
Kyurem crossed his arms and sat back in his throne, staring at the massive screen. "Fine. But pass me that popcorn. It's not like you can eat it, anyway." Arceus levitated the briefcase to the Ice Dragon, and the screen finally came to life as the review began. The opening sequence started, showing a long scrawl of dialogue slowly making it's way up the screen while the Star Wars theme played in the background.
A not-so long time ago, in a fandom far, far away...
At the Reviews:
Episode I (of I):
The third member of the Tao Trio craned his long neck to the Alpha Pokémon's side. "Is this part of the fanfiction, Arceus?"
"No, but I thought it would be fun to change up the mandatory introductory information."
N the king of team plasma: Attack of Kyurem
By: gemerl720 post
"Hold on!" Kyurem proclaimed, stubby claw extended towards the screen. "Isn't the same author who wrote that terribly trilogy about Genesect and game consoles that I never read about? Didn't he have a nervous breakdown after reading them!?"
Arceus sighed. "Yes, that's the one." Kyurem's yellow eyes widened slightly.
"And you mean to tell me she wrote a story about me?" the question came out half disturbed foreboding, half angry snarl.
"Yep." the equine Pokémon replied neutrally. Kyurem sighed.
"We're doomed."
N likes his Kyurem a lot that he can annihilate Lacunosa town. Although, this is also a story of my opinions of the orgins of the Tao trio, excluding the DNA splicers. This is not the sequel of "N the king of team plasma," it is a spin off short story about N and Kyurem. Kyurem has many unique moves; even moves that are led from Reshiram and Zekrom.
Arceus furrowed his non-existent eyebrows. "What? When did N- Oh, so it's about their organs, you say? Well; that gives a whole new meaning to the DNA Splicers." Kyurem shrugged, swallowing a bit of the popcorn he was eating.
"To be honest, I'm not sure I'm qualified to talk about the Splicers, considering the writers of my movie forgot about them. On regards to the title, though, allow me to point out that one normally doesn't give a completely different story the exact same title of another one."
"Well, apparently it's a spinoff of that, so we'll have to deal with an entirely different brand of nonsense. With that said; why don't we dive headfirst into this story and see how fast it can butcher your character, shall we?"
In Lacunosa Town, there was a comet hurling to the forest & it is about to crash the mountains. "I said 'there was a comet hurling to the forest & it is about to crash the mountains!'" Said N. "Cue the comet." "Oh, sorry." Said Alder.
The Boundary Pokémon grunted, crossing his arms and narrowing his piercing eyes slighty.
"And we're off to a great start. I don't think I've ever seen a more confusing introduction since I fell asleep with the TV on and woke up to an anime theme song." Arceus gave a nod in agreement.
"I think most Elementary School plays are better coordinated than this."
The comet flies into the sky hurling to the earth that led to impact on the mountains. Then, it left into a crater; the giant chasm.
The Alpha Pokémon blinked. "What? It flies into the sky, but hurls towards the earth and leaves an impact on the mountains before going into a crater?"
(Jerry Seinfeld: That is one magic loogie.)
"Agreed. The Magic Bullet Theory makes more sense than that." Kyurem replied with a slight nod.
Deep in the Giant Chasm, there was a monster inside the shell of a comet; Kyurem.
Kyurem's face contorted into a mixture of confusion, disbelief and anger. "...Why the heck did I come from space? Isn't that Deoxy's thing?"
"I gave up hope this story would make sense at the summary, to be frank." Arceus stated with a sigh.
N befriends Kyurem & captures it with a master ball.
"No action to be had here, kiddies. There is absolutely nothing about that sentence that warrants further description." the Ice Dragon commented.
"Why would N even have a Master Ball to begin with? Ghestis is supposed to be the hypocrite, not him!" Arceus exclaimed, tapping one of his golden hooves against the floor for emphasis.
He left the giant chasm when; abruptly, the shell had terraformed into the original dragon before Reshiram and Zekrom separated.
"Kyurem is the original drag-" the Normal Type began, only to cut himself off with a perplexed look overtaking his features. "Wait; did the author just call you a type of terrain?"
Kyurem crossed his small arms indignantly. "I'm more of a husk of what the original dragon was, thank you very much. And I am definitely not a planet that can now sustain life."
N sends out Kyurem and he led the powers of the original dragon. Then, Kyurem begins to attack Lacunosa Town. The original dragon flies away out of the Giant Chasm to fly to the Dragonspiral Tower.
The third member of the Tao Trio scratched the top of his icy head.
"'He led the powers of the original dragon?' I would think of a joke for this, but I don't think you can use that sentence in any way. I mean, what is- oh wait they're both gone."
"Not for long, sadly."
Meanwhile, back in Lacunosa Town. Kyurem mercilessly used Glaciate in every structure of the town. "Freeze them!" Ordered N. Glaciate is more stronger than icy wind, which is more like a stronger blizzard.
Arceus just stared at the screen blankly, trying to process what had just happened. "What? I... I'm at a loss. It's just there. Why is N attacking Lacunosa Town? How many innocent Pokémon were in those houses? How is Icy Wind stronger than Blizzard? What did the author have before writing this?" Kyurem grumbled morosely.
"I don't know, but I think I'm going to need some to get through this story."
Kyurem used shadow claw at the buildings of this town. "Hmm, what to do next?" Questioned N to himself.
"Let me think..." Arceus began, eyes tilted upwards. "End this terrible story by unleashing Kyurem on the author, perhaps? No, no... That would be too clever. Just have Kyurem kill some people; because a pointless massacre was always what N wanted."
"Aha! Kyurem, use ice beam at the citizens of Lacunosa Town & eat them frozen."
"This is supposed to be a theory about the Tao trio? Could this story drift off-topic anymore?" the Normal type across from Kyurem sighed.
"You really shouldn't have asked that..."
N is still wearing a golden crown & a white robe, but he left his scepter at his castle.
Arceus blinked hopelessly, before lowering his head. "Did he come straight from his coronation? Is mascaraing a town the equivalent of an afterparty for him?"
Kyurem forms a cyan blue ball from its mouth & launched multiple beams of ice at innocent people into ice cubes. Then, he crunched them as a snack.
The Boundary Pokémon growled angrily, pointing an accusatory finger at the screen with a snarl. "That is a completely dramatized and insulting portrayal of me! How could I, Kyurem, do something so vile and dishonorable?"
Arceus shot him a deadpan look, causing Kyurem to scratch the back of his head.
"...Okay, there was that one time in the sixties, but you have to understand the time period."
At the Dragonspiral tower, the hero of truth and the hero of ideal encounters the original dragon. All of a sudden, it separated into Reshiram and Zekrom. The ideal hero obtained Zekrom while the truth hero obtained Reshiram. It will be an epic battle between two dragons about to use Fusion bolt and Fusion flare.
"But we won't get to see what was promising to be a magnificent flop because we have to pan back to bad caricatures of N and Kyurem terrorizing a town for the sake of it." Arceus commented.
"Are you ready to use your ultimate form?" Asked N. Kyurem purrs and nodded that he is ready.
"Ultimate form? Now that's-" Kyurem stopped for a moment and blinked, his expression quickly contorting into one of rage. "Wait a minute, I PURRED?! This is not Giovanni and his Persian!"
Kyurem's tail creates a ball with a cyan and orange yin and yang symbol. Kyurem begins to transform into a horrible tremendous form of him. "I love Kyurem!" Cackled N. Kyurem had transformed into Ultimate Kyurem; in fans also known as Perfect Kyurem, Full Kyurem, etc.. (Ultimate Kyurem link: watch?v=8nIyITg1u8I)
The Alpha Pokémon stared on in horror. "Was... this author not only so lazy she couldn't even bother to describe Kyurem's fanmade form, but couldn't even bother to make sure she had a complete link for it?"
Kyurem shrugged, lips pursed into a displeased scowl. "You can't do something like that on accident. I refuse to believe it."
Then, he plugs its turbine tail & fires an orange dragon breath like attack with a spiraling thunderbolt and ice beam around the flare; ultimate tri attack.
"Wait a minute, my ultimate attack isn't even a new move?! Now that's just insulting!" Kyurem exclaimed, throwing his stubby arms into the air.
"She probably forgot to add in the link and just decided to ad lib it..." Arceus muttered bitterly.
"Burn baby, Burn!" Cackled N. Half of Lacunosa Town is destroyed.
"Incredible... Half of Lacunosa Town is destroyed... Half of Lacunosa Town is destroyed... Half of Lacunosa Town is destroyed..." Arceus' head jerked to the side as he continued repeat that phrase mindlessly like a broken, monotone record. Kyurem slowly reached over and tapped the side of the Normal Type's head, causing him to stop and his red eyes to flash for a second.
N, dressed in a stereotypical business suit and holding a leather briefcase, opened the door and walked into his house.
"Hi, honey! I'm home!" his call was greeted by his wife, clad in a stained apron, meeting him in the doorway.
"Hello dear, how was your day?" the brunette asked before retreating back into the kitchen, N following her.
"Oh fine, thanks for asking," he commented as he placed the briefcase on the table and let out a breath. "I got a raise, the bakery had some of those Pecha Berry muffins you like, and half of Lacunosa Town was destroyed."
Hilda hummed, stirring around the contents of the pot she was leaning over. "Well, that sounds nice. I hope the drive wasn't too bad today."
"Not at all. So, what's for dinner?"
Kyurem blinked, unsure of what just happened, before quickly recomposing himself.
"In any case, N and Kyurem go to Dragonspiral Tower and are about to face off with Zekrom and Reshiram."
"Could it be...? The original dragon's power led to the boundary pokemon? Ultimate Kyurem?!" Reacted the hero of truth.
The Ice Dragon scratched the top of his head. "...The heck is a boundary Pokémon?"
"I'm assuming it's the thing that is keeping logic out of the plot." Arceus, who was eerily calm, commented.
Ultimate Kyurem roars and plugs its tail and charges its tail and used Fusion flare at Zekrom. After a wanton Fusion flare, Zekrom spins its turbine tail and used a super charged Fusion bolt, hurling to Ultimate Kyurem.
The Alpha Pokémon let out a depressed sigh, his head lowering slightly. Kyurem rolled his eyes (not that anyone could tell).
"Hey, at least we're going to see a fight scene. Perhaps it'll be a half-decent fight scene."
"If you want me, then you have to chase me." Said N. Ultimate Kyurem flies away from Zekrom and accidentally locked on Reshiram; the powered up Fusion bolt attacked Reshiram.
Kyurem smiled hopelessly. "Well then... Maybe we'll get to see the Heroes chasing-"
Ultimate Kyurem turned back to normal revealing a king on top of Kyurem. "You must be the hero of boundary." Said the hero of truth.
"Wait, what?!"
"You must be the hero of boundary."
Both Legendaries blinked.
(Constitutional Peasant: Well I didn't vote for you.)
"No, you must be the hero of the master of Reshiram and Zekrom." Criticized the hero of ideal. "That's right, I have Kyurem. He is just right rather than Reshiram and Zekrom. Borrow the powers of the two dragons to Kyurem I implore."
Arceus lowered his head.
"Please tell me he's not about to sing."
Kyurem leads Reshiram and Zekrom's powers to Kyurem and then; Zekrom was weak with the lack of energy and the hero of ideal walks away. Even Reshiram was weak too and the hero of truth walks away.
Kyurem growled and threw up his arms. "You're just walking away?! Doesn't the fate of Unova rest on you defeating N or something like that?"
The Alpha Pokémon sighed dejectedly. "I think even the characters have given up all hope in this story."
"Kyurem, transform into White Kyurem." Commanded N. Kyurem creates a fiery orange ball on its tail and transforms into White Kyurem. "Success, now let's get back to Lacunosa Town." Said N. White Kyurem plugs its tail and heats up the tail and flies back to Lacunosa Town with an orange trail from its tail.
"You mean to tell me the entire point of that scene was just to have an excuse for White Kyurem to destroy Lacunosa Town!?" Arceus' eyes flashed for a moment, and Kyurem shifted somewhat uncomfortably in his throne.
The town is developing a fortification wall around the town while repairing the town. "Drat! The town is repairing; quick, use fissure to break in." Ordered N. White Kyurem flies into the sky and lands on its foot and it made a fissure that the beam hits the walls and shatters.
The Boundary Pokémon rolled his eyes. "First of all, you were gone for all of ten minutes. Second of all, I can't learn Fissure. It would've taken two seconds to look that up!"
"Show me your moves Kyurem, use flamethrower."
This time the Ice Dragon frowned. "You are not Captain Falcon." Arceus nodded in agreement.
"Not to mention Kyurem 'showing off his moves' is the only thing that has been going on this entire story."
White Kyurem spews out fire and burns down the town and the people were fried. "Eat them cooked, eat them raw." Pointed N. White Kyurem then eats the burnt and un-burnt citizens.
Kyurem slowly blinked, a look of horror spreading across his frozen face. "So let me get this straight; N pointed at something, giving me an order to use Flamethrower, a move that I am unable to learn, on the townsfolk until they were fried and cooked. Then Kyurem ate the "un-burnt" citizens as well as the deep-fried ones?"
The Ice Dragon then slammed a stubby claw into the armrest of his throne, cracking the material, while letting out an angry snarl. "I've never seen such bad writing invoke such a disgust in me. And I review Creepypastas!" the Ice Dragon took a deep breath and leaned back in his seat, arms crossed.
"Though I'm feeling more indigestion than terror at this point." he muttered.
He used dragon claw at the buildings to slice them; then falls off. "Burn them to another dust: That means, use blue flare." Translated N. White Kyurem plugs its tail and heats up. Kyurem used blue flare by spewing a blue stream of fire. "Fire fire, I see blue flare everywhere." Expressed N.
"Is the author trying to get expressive now? After making a Pokemon devour an entire city of humans?" Kyurem remarked with no small amount of false joy. Arceus deadpanned.
"Either that is the author's equivalent of being expressive or whatever she had before writing this is starting to kick in or wear off."
Abruptly, Zekrom joins the battle with White Kyurem. "How did you regain your energy?" Questioned N.
Arceus raised a non-existent eyebrow. "Plot convenience?"
The hero of ideal told me that it took a while to regain my powers." Replied Zekrom.
The Normal Type blinked. "Okay... But how did you bound back? And more importantly; why would you want to?"
"To have an actually halfway-decent fight scene, of course." Kyurem remarked.
"Finish him! Use Ice burn, White Kyurem." Commanded N.
Kyurem frowned. "This move makes as much sense as Volcanion does."
It then releases multiple reddish-purple beams of energy at Zekrom. When it hits Zekrom, it is frozen. And the rest of the town is on fire and frozen from the ice burn.
"Which is demonstrated here." the Ice Dragon commented, extending a claw.
Reshiram joins the battle with White Kyurem; however, White Kyurem turns into Black Kyurem. "How did you redeem you energy?" Wondered N.
Arceus sighed. "The energy may be 'redeemable', but this story is not."
"The hero of truth did the same thing to me as Zekrom did with the ideal hero." Replied Reshiram. "Black Kyurem, use Bolt strike." Commanded N.
Arceus' eyes brightened somewhat.
"Ah, so apparently the Heroes have some sort of undisclosed, plot-convenient macguffin that can magically 'redeem' energy for nonsensical fight scenes and bad dialogue." his voice was dripping with sarcasm, but he quickly dropped the veneer and turned to his cohort.
"Also, Kyurem, don't you find it strange that, despite being one of the most important characters in this 'story', you have not yet had a single line of dialogue, and yet N will talk to Reshiram and Zekrom?" the Ice Dragon shrugged, too busy wolfing down the last of the popcorn to comment. He finally cleared his throat.
"Anyway, the two Pokemon continue their battle."
Black Kyurem plugs its tail and charges its tail while its tail glows cyan while surrounding itself with an cyan electric aura, an ability called teravolt.
Kyurem scratched the top of his head. "Why did the author decide to get descriptive now after posting an unfinished link to do the work for him?"
"I need a shockingly tasty move after Fusion flare; aha, use Fusion bolt!" Ordered N.
Kyurem grunted. "The words "Cilan" and "funny" appear as antonyms in a thesaurus, and unfortunately N is neither."
The Alpha Pokémon nodded his head in agreement. "Yes, but 'homicidal maniac' and 'off-topic' would suit quite nicely. Speaking of which:"
N cackles maniacally that Kyurem is just right rather than Reshiram and Zekrom. "When I come to the Pokemon League, I can kick Alder's butt with my Kyurem." Said N. "Hey! You don't need to say that." Replied Alder. "Get back on the studio." Demanded N. Alder walks to the effects panel.
"What just happened? I thought we were in the middle of a confusing and indecisive battle, how did Alder get here?" Arceus exclaimed, blinking in shock. The Boundary Pokémon sighed.
"Whatever happened, we then go back to said confusing and indecisive battle."
"I see you." Said N. "Black Kyurem use thunder bolt." N whispered.
Kyurem's piercing eyes narrowed. "Why is he whispering now? Is he trying to be creepy or something?"
"Maybe we should add 'bipolar' to that list," Arceus commented. "Regardless, it just drags on until Kyurem overcomes the two."
Black Kyurem turns back to normal and Kyurem jumps into the air and he used Dragon pulse by firing a fiery orange beam of fire. The town is melted then flooded. Lacunosa Town became nothing but water. Kyurem then lands on the water.
"Frozen, melted, burned, flooded, earthquake'd, all we need is a tornado to complete the four elements! And only at the expense of hundreds of lives." Kyurem exclaimed cheerfully, before his gaze darkened. "Of course, we all know that there's nothing better than a middle-finger-to-the-audience ending."
Arceus nodded in agreement.
"And how can one end such a story?"
Hilbert visits the flooded place and he says "How do you like your simulation room?" He presses the button to turn off the simulation room into black background with green wireframes. "The simulation room installed in my castle was great. Kyurem, return." Replied N. He uses his master ball and used the beam to return Kyurem into N's master ball. He minimizes his master ball and attaches his master ball into his necklace and leaves the simulation room, even Alder and Hilbert.
Arceus let out one final, weary sigh. "Yep; try, and fail miserably, to rip off Inception."
The End.
"Mercifully, though I'm not certain my eyesight will ever be the same again." the pseudo deity said. "Now, why don't we talk about what's wrong with this story, or rather; what wasn't wrong with it?"
Kyurem gave a hesitant grunt in agreement. "Redeemable factors in this fiction are as rare as Pokémon anime continuity. If anything, though, at least it didn't end with N melting all of Unova with his "Ultimate Kyurem." I'm not giving the ending any credit, however."
The Alpha Pokémon nodded in return. "Agreed. But, for all of it's awkward spelling and grammar, horrid plot and character, and even the fact that it goes completely off topic; what was supposed to be an attempt to explain the Tao Trio's backstory just dissolved into a bunch of mindless violence that would make Michael Bay blush, those aren't the real problems with this story. Alone, those would actually make this story enjoyable, because it would at least be fun to laugh at. But it's not. It's a confusing and painful chore to read. Why?"
Arceus stopped for a second as if he was a teacher in an imaginary classroom waiting for an answer before carrying on. "It's quite simple, sadly; there's no effort put into it. Even bad stories that have no value outside of being good for laughing at will still usually have some effort put into them, intentionally or otherwise. This doesn't. The author can't even bother to describe one of the most important aspects of her story; she just posts a link for it and doesn't even bother to make sure it's a complete one. This is writing for the sake of writing, and that is what makes it downright bad."
"All in all, this story fails both on paper and in practice. Starting with the idea, which can be summed up with 'Kyurem completely destroys Lacunosa Town via different forms' is a very basic and, frankly, stupid plot for a story. For such a gruesome idea, though, it's actually yawn-inducing when in writing form. It would be like reading the script for a Godzilla movie rather than watching a man in a fat suit try and destroy buildings. The author states that he's giving a theory on the Tao Trio, but the closest thing I saw was some made up 'Ultimate Kyurem.'" Kyurem said, crossing his short arms, his piercing eyes narrowing slightly in disgust.
"The actual story, however, manages to be worse. Like you said, the lack of description and laziness of the writer, as well as some out-of-place comedy manage to completely destroy whatever atmosphere this story could manage to build. The best reaction this story can provide is a scoff at its more outrageous bits."
"That sums it up in a nutshell. So, with that out of the way, we-" Arceus cut himself off and furrowed his non-existent brow slightly, before turning to Kyurem. "Do you hear something?"
Before Kyurem could even reply, the roof between their two thrones caved in, sending tiles, dirt, stone and pebbles downwards in a shower. Arceus closed his eyes as a particularly large chunk of roof hit his head, while Kyurem grunted and swiped away a few of the pebbles, only for the dust to engulf both of them. As it settled down, the two could make out a shadow in between them, one that had seemingly materialized in the aftermath. Before either could question who it was, the dust began to settle, revealing none of than Genesect. He stepped forward as Kyurem opened his mouth to question the appearance of the Angry Bug, who was now muttering binary code like a mantra, before the cannon attached to it's back unfolded. The Bug and Steel Type cackled as it unleashed a Techno Blast on the projector screen, completely melting it, and then proceeded to fold itself back up and blast another hole through the roof as it made its getaway. The two other critics stayed silent for a while after that, both looking up at the second hole Genesect had made, before Arceus cleared his throat.
"I was actually expecting the Crobat, to be honest. Now; back to the Hall."
Mew was sitting in the middle of the pristine Grand Hall at the base of a board game, surrounded by stuffed dolls. In particular, stuffed dolls of Arceus, Ash, Pikachu, Sir Aaron, Lucario, Mewtwo, and Masamune. She vigorously shook her cupped paws close to her head, before shooting down and launching the dice across the cardboard, knocking over a few over pieces as they came to a stop. The Psychic Type frowned slightly at the dice before her eyes flashed a blue hue, immediately causing one of them to flip over and a smile to break out on her face. For a moment, she swore the doll of Arceus scowled at her, but she pushed the thought aside, before reaching over and moving one of the pieces around the board.
"Watch and learn, imbeciles!" she exclaimed in a disturbingly spot-on impersonation of the Warlord of Avia. "Now that I've bought Join Avenue, the entire western side of the board is mine!"
A sudden burst of light interrupted the bout of maniacal laughter she had let out after that, and at seeing Arceus, who had been missing all morning, and Kyurem suddenly materialize, she immediately shoved the assortment around her behind one of the many identical columns. The two eyed her at the commotion, and needing a distraction, she gaped.
"WOW! You're Kyurem! Can I have your autograph? Please?" she then materialized a notepad and pen from nowhere, holding them up to the Ice Dragon who merely snorted dismissively, while Arceus looked on in a subtle offense.
"Sure, whatever." the Boundary Pokémon muttered grumpily, reaching for the writing utensils only to fail. Kyurem grunted in frustration, unleashing an Ice Beam on the notepad, causing Mew to abruptly drop it.
"There," he remarked, before turning back to Arceus. "This was fun, Arceus, but I need to get back to Full Court." Arceus gave a grateful nod in understanding, and Kyurem turned to leave.
Arceus sighed wistfully as Kyurem walked out of the hall, the doors closing behind him. Mew took notice of his downwards stare and weary stance, and floated up to him, maneuvering herself to come underneath his gaze.
"What's wrong, Arcy?" The equine Pokémon let out a dry, hollow chuckle at her question.
"I'm just a bit nostalgic, Mew, nothing more."
"Nostalgic?" Arceus nodded.
"Yes. I'm just... thinking back to better days. Back when there were only four reviewers; Keldeo, the colt who started it all, Kyurem, the grouch who was begrudgingly inspired by him but still managed to be unique, Genesect, the Angry Bug who reviewed the nonsense and lengthy stories none of us dared to, and finally me; the awkward the newbie who became a complete rip-off of Keldeo and couldn't crack a joke for his life. Our circle was short and tight knit; we all bounced off each other and learned from one another. But now, fast forward some years later; Keldeo is gone, I fear reviewing has gone the way of the Dark Ash Persona, and I, despite not having changed much, am left to carry on his section of reviewing." Arceus then let out another mirthless chuckle.
"But I can never replace Keldeo, let alone do him justice." Mew smiled dryly, eyes closed and head titled to the side.
"So you should stop thinking of yourself as just a rip-off of him, Arcy, and acknowledge that you've become your own person. Besides; you're starting to sound like an old man." Arceus tilted his head downwards finally meeting Mew's visage, his equivalent of an eyebrow raised in a strange cross between amusement and offense.
"No, you're right; I need to lighten up. I can't replace Keldeo, not that I had any pretenses about doing such... But I suppose I can act as a really bad substitute for him until he comes back." his comment elicited a few snickers from the pink Pokémon before him.
"Did you just... tell a joke, Arcy? One that was funny?" Arceus lifted his gaze, an eyebrow raised in the best 'What is that supposed to mean?' look he could muster, before his eyes softened and another chuckle escaped him.
"Perhaps... But don't get used to it." the Alpha Pokémon then turned around, beginning to float back into the depths of the hall before stopping abruptly. His head craned back slightly, recapturing Mew's image, who immediately stopped her mid-air acrobatics to meet it.
"And Mew... Thank you."
The End:
Special Thanks:
Mr. Grool
DragonNiro
Credits:
Siskel & Ebert/At the Movies
Star Wars
The Angry Bug Show
Seinfeld: The Boyfriend
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Super Smash Bros
Inception
Godzilla
Note from the Author:
(The Author poked his head around a corner.)
Is it safe?
(When nothing happened to him, he took a cautious step out from behind his cover, immediately flinching in preparation for something pythonesque to befall him. When nothing did, he opened his eyes and slowly took his seat behind his desk.)
Pythonesque is an actual word by the way.
I just want to give out another big 'thank you' to Mr. Grool for making the first ever Pokémon Critic crossover possible, and to the style of Siskel & Ebert (At the Movies) no less, and would recommend taking a look at his version on Kyurem the Critic as well, if you want to see this chapter's ending through a bit of a different perspective. And, true to form, I'd also like to announce I've gone back and revised chapter nine as well to be more comprehensive and coherent. Hopefully that will be the last time I have to revise an editorial which is now dangerously close to being 10,000 words long.
(The author leaned back in his chair, letting out a relieved sigh.)
You know, I really was expecting the Spanish Inquisition to barge in and-
(Three men in matching red uniforms suddenly charged into the room and surrounded the author.)
"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Not even the author! Cardinal Biggles! Cardinal Fang! Take him to... the Jerry Springer reruns!"
(A menacing chord struck as the three hauled the author out of his chair and dragged him away, who was kicking and pleading for his life, causing the chapter to end due to the lack of someone writing it. Meanwhile, Arceus just chuckled darkly at the scene.)