In a not too distant fandom,
Hall of Origin, A.D,
There was a 'Mon named Arceus,
Quite different from you and me!
He ran the world from behind the scenes,
In a vain attempt to keep peace and dreams,
In his spare time he read 'fics with grace,
But Mew want-ed to prank him so she shot him into spa-ace!
"MEEEEWWWW!"
"I'll send him cheesy fictions! While I run, on the loose!" (La la la)
"He'll have to sit and read 'em all while I think up an excuse!" (La la la)
Now keep in mind he can't control when the stories begin or end, (La la la)
Because he used his di-vine power,
To bring up his critic 'friends'!
Critic Role Call!
Cryogonal-cam! (I'm forced to film it!)
Kyurem! (He's a bit of a grump...)
Genesect! (This is catchy.)
Arrrceus!
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, and other science facts!
(La la la!)
Just think to yourself 'it's a parody', and you can really just relax!
For Mystery Critic Theater 3000!
"Hello, and welcome to the Satellite of Shove," the camera panned out to reveal a less than pleased-looking Arceus, flanked by Kyurem and Genesect, all three standing behind a counter topped with a few flashing buttons. "I'm Arceus, and am being held captive here by my sidekick."
"And since misery loves company," Kyurem growled. "Arceus so kindly 'invited' us to join him."
"Well, I think it's comfy up here," Arceus and Kyurem both looked over at Genesect incredulously.
"We're packed into a shiny metal box and forced to read fics for other people's amusement, and you think this is comfy!?" the robotic Pokémon only shrugged in response, but before any could say anything else, Mew's face popped up on the viewscreen across from them. The New Species Pokémon was in a place that vaguely resembled the lair of some evil scientist, adorned with various flashing buttons and mechanical instruments, while a Crobat dutifully flew about the cave in the background. A guttural growl managed to escape Arceus.
"Mew, when I get down from here, I'm going to-" Mew just waved a stubby paw dismissively at him, looking down at one of the massive computers arrayed before her.
"Yeah, well, until then, let's begin the invention exchange."
"The what?" Kyurem questioned, a confused look on his face.
"Mew said that she wanted a million-dollar idea so she can fulfill her dream of being a door-to-door salesman," Genesect answered, causing Kyurem to stare at him.
"But why are we helping-" Arceus kicked Kyurem under the counter and turned to Genesect.
"If you would, please show Mew our invention," he ordered. Gensect nodded and picked up what looked like a deodorant stick with black casing. Blue letters on the front spelled "Ashxe."
"Our invention is for all of those aspiring trainers out there who just can't seem to get the ladies," Gensect explained, holding up the stick. "With our new brand of deodorant and shampoo, you'll have ladies following you in every region!"
"Indeed," Arceus continued as Genesect applied the stick under his metal appendages. "Simply apply 'Ashxe' deodorant to underarms and you'll soon find that female trainers, from Gym Leaders to greenhorns and random girls from summer camp, can't resist following you on a nationwide trip for Gym Badges."
"Side effects may include broken bikes, weight loss in Pikachu and never being able to win a Pokémon League," Genesect finished before putting the stick back under the counter.
"That was stupid," Kyurem stated with a deadpan expression while Arceus turned back to the viewscreen.
"Any thoughts, Mew," Arceus seethed, glaring at the screen.
"It was okay, but I bet Terry Crews could've sold it better," Mew shrugged before calling over the Crobat, Intoxiquer. "Now it's time for our invention."
"Studies show that two biggest questions trainers ask these days are 'How can my Pokémon use powerful moves without needing to charge them' and 'How can my Pokémon be part of Major League Gaming when they don't look stylish?' Well, my invention answers both of those questions! Introducing... The Mental Fedora!" the Crobat at Mew's side picked up a red fedora with a Mental Herb attached to the brim and put it on the Psychic type's head.
"With the Mental Fedora, all of my two-turn attacks fire in half the time, and I look fabulous doing it! Observe;" Mew turned towards Intoxiquer and fired a Solar Beam at point-blank range, blasting the Crobat off-screen.
"I can't feel my wings..." Intoxiquer moaned as Mew grinned and took off the fedora.
"Now, your experiment today..." the three star bound Critics gasped.
"Today!?" the Psychic Type only smiled innocently.
"Well, who knows? We may have to do this again in the future," Arceus shot her a glare that caused her to reel back for a second, Kyurem muttered something under his breath, and Genesect blinked. Mew then clapped her paws together and smiled happily. "Anyways, your experiment today is a lovely little masterpiece known as 'pokemon attack of mewtwo', starring a knockoff of the namesake, an atypical Sara Sue and her manservant. But first; a short about the importance of making sure you don't walk underneath blunt instruments when you get off your flight, written by an author we all know and hero-worship. Intoxiquer? Send 'em the fics."
The Crobat flew back on-screen and gave the Legendary a salute with one of his pincers before flying offscreen again, and the cramped room the three critics were in was suddenly overcome with a rapidly flashing emergency light and shook violently.
"Epilepsy- er... Story time..." Kyurem muttered unenthusiastically, before the three slowly headed into the theater while the camera panned through a series of increasingly strange doorways.
6...
5...
4...
3...
2...
1...
The trio of critics walked down the single isle of chairs, Genesect sitting down effortlessly on the end, Arceus using his exhausted powers to merge a handful of seats into one before taking a seat, and Kyurem finally squeezing himself into one with no small amount of difficulty, grunting all the while. The three then looked upwards as the room darkened, leaving only their silhouettes visible, while the summary of the story played across the giant movie theater-sized projector screen looming above them.
Ash vs Team Flare
By: Matthais Unidostres
The Leader of Team Flare decides that he can't let Ash Ketchum ruin his plans in the Kalos Region. A Pokemon X and Y speculation FanFic.
Kyurem rolled his eyes. "Ah yes, using source material you know nothing about always makes for the best of stories."
Ash was led down a red carpeted hallway by a man and a woman.
Arceus raised the pitch of his voice. "If you'll follow us, sir, we'll take you to your spa."
They were both dressed in fiery red shirts and had matching red hair.
The Alpha Pokémon let out an overly-dramatic laugh. "Oh, he's being escorted by clowns!"
"I like clowns!" Genesect chimed in. "Not the Ronald McDonald one though... Imagine a Team Flare grunt dressed as that!"
"It wouldn't be that far of a stretch..." The Ice Dragon muttered.
They even had sunglasses of the same color, making it impossible to see their eyes.
The Angry bug scratched his head. "Maybe they wanted to remain mysterious?"
Kyurem only rolled his eyes. "No, they just wear their sunglasses at night and indoors."
"On their torsos, you could see their undershirts sticking out, and on the white shirts was a symbol of a red flame."
"Oh great, they're recycled Team Magma designs," Genesect deadpanned.
Ash's head hurt.
"He's as confused as we are," Arceus stated sagely.
He had been hit on the head hard the moment he had gotten off the plane he took to the Kalos region.
"Well, it's obvious to say that Team Flare's behind this."
Arceus shook his head at Genesect's comment. "I think you mean Team Flair."
Kyurem groaned.
He had left his Pokémon at Professor Oak's lab again, but Pikachu was missing when he came to.
The Boundary Pokémon grunted. "He got out of the story while he could."
He longed to know if his best buddy was okay. Ash tried to free his hands, but the handcuffs were way too strong.
"Jailed liked Simon Blackquill, I presume," Genesect stated.
Where are you taking me? What have you done with Pikachu? Answer me!" Ash shouted.
"You have to say please," the Normal Type replied in a sing-song voice.
The grunts didn't reply. Ash growled. He'd been demanding answers ever since he woke up in that dark truck.
"This is playing out like the beginning of the Ruby and Sapphire games!" Arceus let out a chuckle at the Purple Pokémon's exclamation.
He shouted at the grunts when they roughly took him out of the truck when it stopped in the dark parking garage.
"And they led him into the dark building and down the dark hallways into a dark room, intent on turning him to the dark side," Kyurem deadpanned.
"Only after meeting the dark lord of Team Flare," Arceus continued.
He could be miles underground for all her knew.
"They could even be on a boat," Genesect glanced at the Alpha Pokémon after his comment but shrugged and turned back to the screen.
They soon reached a pair of double doors with the flame symbol on it. The doors swung open automatically, and the grunts led Ash in. It was an office, filled computer monitors and various other technology, all colored red.
"Whilst I like the idea of computers, I'll have to question why EVERYTHING'S RED!" the Paleozoic Pokémon cried out.
"The red screen of death, apparently..." the Ice Dragon muttered.
"Well I'm seeing red," Arceus commented with a small chuckle.
There was a big desk with a big chair,
"Along with a big coffee mug and a big pencil holder and a big stress ball," Kyurem muttered, while the Alpha Pokémon cleared his throat.
"And a big nameplate that read Dr. Vaguely Redundant, Doctor."
and sitting in the chair was a middle aged man with a red tinted monocle over his left eye. His hair was red as well and he had big bushy red moustache. he was also wearing a red suit, only his suit had golden shoulder pads and golden threads running through it.
Arceus' voice shifted into a stereotypical Kalosian accent. "And as you can see, I'm clearly the leader of Team Flare, since I obviously have no idea what I'm supposed to be dressed as."
"Don't worry, it's not the leader," Kyurem said. "It's just a red herring."
"I like the look of that moustache though..." Genesect stated. "Why can I imagine Lysandre with a moustache?"
The other two Legendaries shifted to look at the Paleozoic Pokémon, and he chuckled nervously.
Ash was made to sit in a chair in the middle of the room. His handcuffs were removed and his wrists were quickly fastened to the arms of the chair with iron rings.
Genesect blinked. "Looks like a typical hostage situation, if I do say myself."
Once seated, Ash found that he couldn't move his legs either. They were also held still by iron rings.
Kyurem sighed. "He also found that he couldn't move his fingers, since they were chained with iron rings, or his neck, which was also chained by iron rings..."
Arceus craned his head towards the back. "You know the drill by now."
The man motioned for his grunts to leave. Once they left, the man got up and approached Ash.
"Ash Ketchum," he said slowly with a thick French accent, "Do you now where you are?"
The Angry Bug snorted. "Ah, bonjour, Monsieur Ash! You were expecting to drop in ze French words when I can! Oh non!"
Arceus rolled his eyes. "And please, ignore the fact I have a Frenchy-Frenchman accent when we're in Kalos."
"Of course I don't know!" Ash shouted angrily, "You jerks kidnapped me! Where's Pikachu?"
"And why are you dressed like a ringmaster!?" Arceus cried out over-dramatically.
The man ignored Ash's question and said, "You are in the headquarters of Team Flare. I am the Leader of Team Flare."
"NO SHIP, SHERLOCK!" the upper-left of the projector screen was occupied by the shadow of a Crobat.
Genesect blinked. "Wait, aren't you suppose to be with Mew at the moment?"
Intoxiquer blinked blankly, cried out and quickly flew off-screen. Kyurem scratched what could equate as his chin before shrugging and continuing. "And down the hall you'll find the secretaries for Team Flare, and this is the official Team Flare mug, and you came here in a truck belonging to Team Flare driven by people who work for Team Flare, if their official Team Flare uniforms didn't make that obvious enough."
Ash's face showed confusion, "Get in your way? What are you talking about?"
Genesect held up one of his claws and began tapping it with the other. "Well, the times where you stopped Team Rocket, I think, Team Magma, Aqua, Galactic and Plasma from taking either over the world, their respected regions or just causes absolutely IS what this beta Lysandre means."
The man slapped Ash across the face.
"Thug Life," Kyurem stated, nodding his head.
"What a stupid thing to say!" the leader shouted, "Do you even know who you are?"
"Red?" Arceus said, mimicking Ash's voice.
"Satoshi?" the Angry Bug followed.
"Sarah Natochenny?" Kyurem continued.
The Team Flare Leader took a remote out of his pocket and pushed a button on it.
"DON'T PRESS THE BUTTON! SOMETHING WILL EXPLODE!" Genesect yelled, causing Arceus to lower his head slightly.
"Hopefully the ship..." Kyurem murmured.
Immediately, the monitors around the room turned on. Ash's eyes widened as he saw what they were displaying. One monitor showed Ash sending Team Rocket blasting off, another showed Ash riding on Lugia and fighting against Lawrence, another showed Ash and Ritchie using their Pikachus to free Lugia from Team Rocket's control, another showed Ash fighting Team Aqua and Magma as Kyogre and Groudon created chaos around them, another showed Ash battling Team Galactic and freeing the Lake Trio, another showed Ash commanding Pikachu to use a massive Electroball at Giovanni, and a final one showed Ash sending his Pokemon against Team Plasma while N stood back holding the Light Stone.
The Boundary Pokémon blinked and frowned. "I thought this was supposed to be an X and Y speculation fic, not a Best Wishes one."
"Ash the hero," the Leader said, "Ash the Chosen One. Ash the Guardian of the Aura," the man began getting very close to Ash's face.
"So, beta Lysandre gets all scary," the Bug/steel Pokémon shrugged. "Certainly more frightening than the actual final design of him."
"Ash the meddler. Ash the bee in the bonnet! Ash the fly in the ointment!"
"Ash the flying monkey! Ash the talking dog! Ash the animal which shouldn't exist in Pokémon!" Kyurem continued.
The man backed off and began pacing around the room.
"I hope he doesn't make a hole in the floor, like Eddy did in Ed, Edd and Eddy," Genesect hummed.
"Now do you see?" he asked,
"It's all one big conspiracy!" Arceus cried out neurotically. "Han Solo did shoot first!"
"Team Flare is secretly the Illuminati!" Kyurem yelled as Genesect hummed the 'X-Files' theme.
"Team Flare is a master at espionage. Our tiny cameras can fly. swim, and crawl anywhere.
"You could even cut a tin can with it. But you wouldn't want to," Kyurem sang.
"But can it dig? And can it be microwaved?" the Paleozoic Pokémon added in quickly.
"No, but it slices! It dices!" Arceus replied in the same key as Kyurem.
And they transmit directly back to me. I've seen all I need to see."
"And many things I wish I could unsee," the Alpha Pokémon commented sagaciously in the leader's voice.
"The truth is clear.
"You are a Mary Sue," Kyurem said, also using the leader's voice.
"What is this, Ace Attorney?" Genesect commented irately.
You're pretty much the Great Equalizer, the One Free Trainer, the Opener of Ways of this world.
"The New World Man," Kyurem joined in.
Anyone who tries to climb to high in this world gets smacked down by you, Ash Ketchum.
"Even though you've never won a single league in your life," Arceus deadpanned.
"Apart from the Orange Island arc, but one could argue that's filler," the Angry Bug commented.
But I'm not going to let that happen to Team Flare. Oh no. Of all the foolish Team leaders that have been, Giovanni, Archie, Maxie, Cyrus, and Ghetsis,
"AND JOHN CENA!" Genesect quickly cried out.
I am superior to them, because I am the only one to see the real threat.
"Newman!" Arceus muttered in Jerry's voice.
You, Ash Ketchum. Once you are gone, there will be no force on this Earth that can stop me."
"Maybe Ash's friends, the player protagonists from the games, possible the manga people...I don't think beta Lysandre has thought this through properly," Genesect commented hesitantly.
"Ash seems to agree," Arceus commented reservedly.
The Team Flare leader then looked at Ash. Ash looked frightened, but then his face changed to anger.
"You'll never get away with this! Someone will stop you!" he said.
"You're right there, Arceus," Genesect nodded.
The man chuckled and shook his head. "Ash, you don't understand.
"We're so repetitive people will get too bored to stop us!" Kyurem commented with no small amount of false joy.
Team Flare isn't like those other organizations you've fought.
"We're incorporated," came Arceus' impersonation.
"Our workers also have dental," Kyurem added.
We do not intend to take over the world like Team Rocket, Team Galactic or Team Plasma;
Kyurem rolled his eyes and crossed his stubby arms. "Yeah, Cyrus was just in it for world domination. It's not like he was a nihilist who wanted to destroy everything and create a spiritless world in its place or anything."
or do anything that could destroy the world like Team Aqua or Team Magma.
"In their defence, they didn't actually intended to destroy the world, rather make it better for land/aquatic Pokemon. But I get the argument there," the Angry Bug commented.
Team Flare is only interested in making money, nothing more.
"I mean, I'm not Lysander, so clearly I have no genocidal inclinations," the Alpha Pokémon commented.
So, in a way, this is the best possible way for you to meet your end.
"Homicidal, on the other hand..." the Normal Type continued.
Your precious world will be safe, Ash Ketchum. All your downfall will produce will be a collection of extremely wealthy individuals. Nothing more.
"This sounds like a motive for a murder-mystery novel or game!" Genesect commented.
"Or the original Team Rocket," Kyurem mumbled.
It actually makes sense when you think about it.
"Of course the French would end up having the Holy Grail," Kyurem said in an imitation of the leader's voice. The Alpha Pokémon chuckled slightly.
You've thwarted everyone that posed a threat to the world's safety, so your life no longer serves any further purpose. . ."
"Until the next region is 'discovered'..." Arceus muttered.
Ash's face turned pale and white.
Arceus and Genesect both turned to look at the Boundary Pokémon, who only blinked in response. "What?"
It felt as if the bottom of his stomach fell out.
"W-w-what?!" he stammered out.
The man took a gun out of his pocket and loaded it. He aimed it and said, "Godbye, Ash Ketchum!"
Arceus' head started to sway back and forth while a whimsical tune suddenly started to play. "This is a song, about Ash Ket-chum. He's gonna die, from Team Flare."
Kyurem and Genesect joined in. "He tired to kill him with a firearm!"
"Ole!" Arceus finished, all three sharing a muted bout of laughter.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Heh. An Ace Attorney's meltdown," Kyurem chuckled.
The scene was suddenly interrupted when a Shadow Ball smashed through the door.
"Objection!" the Normal Type shouted.
It hit the man square in the chest, knocking him back.
"The evidence hit him in the chest, like a boss!" the Paleozoic Pokémon said through his laughter.
The man caught his breath, growled in anger, and quickly scrambled to a secret exit under his desk.
"If I hide under here maybe they won't find me..." the Boundary Pokémon muttered in a Kalosian accent.
Ash sound found himself surrounded by three familiar faces.
"Team Rocket?"
"DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!" Genesect shouted out, causing Arceus to flinch.
"Good work, Yamask!" James said as he drew his Pokémon back into its ball.
"Now kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit..." the Normal Type said monotonously, the other two joining in.
Jessie, James, and Meowth quickly worked on the shackles binding Ash to the chair.
"Stealing Pokemon is one thing, but murder's another!" James said.
"Looks like our beloved, and sometimes annoying, antagonists of the Pokemon anime are above murder!" Genesect said with a smile before scratching the top of his head. "Huh...who woulda thought?"
Once Ash was freed, Meowth pointed down the hall and said, "You'll find yer Pikachu in a cage in a room down the hall and to yer right. We would've stolen Pikachu but it wouldn't let us get near it.
Arceus stared at the screen incredulously. "From inside the cage?"
He's extra feisty today!"
The Boundary Pokémon rolled his pupil-less eyes. "He just found out what he's in."
Jesse pointed at the secret exit, "Alright! After him! Team Rocket doesn't need any competition in the Kalos region!"
The upbeat music from early started up again, Arceus' head moving back and forth with the tempo. "This is a song, about Team Rocket. They're chasing after, Team Flare's Boss."
The other two critics began mimicking the Alpha Pokémon. "He tried to kill him with a firearm!"
"Ole!"
"Ash watched Team Rocket go. He stood in shock for a few seconds,"
"Well, I was rather 'shocked' to see Team Rocket rescue Ash," Genesect commented, to which the two other critics gave halfhearted agreements.
Ash then turned and quickly ran down the hall to get Pikachu.
Arceus then mimicked Jesse's voice. "Sorry; we forgot to mention that the base is crawling with grunts that we didn't take out, so don't get captured again-"
The End
"The end? That ended quickly," Genesect commented as he stood, while the screen faded into black.
"I haven't seen an ending that abrupt since "Commando Cody," Arceus agreed.
"Good. The sooner we're done with this, the better," Kyurem muttered as he stood, only to rip the chair out of the floor. The Boundary Pokémon scowled and tried to reach to pull it off, only for Arceus to roll his eyes and send it flying telepathically, following Genesect as he left the theater.
After leaving the theater, Arceus returned to the control console, only to quickly realize that his two fellow prisoners were missing in action. The normal type warily looked around behind him, wondering where the two could've possibly gone since there seemed to only be two rooms in the entire satellite. His concerns were soon answered, however, as the two seemed to suddenly walk up beside him, causing the deity to whirl around in surprise at the two Pokemon's sudden entrances. He was only further perplexed by the fact that Kyurem and Genesect were both holding suitcases.
"Thank the Creation Trio this is over," Kyurem sighed, putting his wheeled suitcase on the ground. "That story made me actually like the in-game Team Flare!"
"I know how you feel," Genesect said, nodding his head. "I hate speculation stories so much! But at least it's all over now." Arceus stared at the two before beginning to say something, only to be cut off by the Ice type at his side.
"Hear hear," he said, pointing at Genesect. "This fanfiction made me forget about your idiotic commentary it was so bad!" Genesect nodded, crossing his arms.
"What kind of author would make-" the bug was cut off by Arceus.
"I do hope that you two know," he said, pinching the area above his nonexistent nose. "That this story is only a prelude to the actual review. Not only that, but this story, nor Matthias Unidostres were meant to be seen as terrible by any means." The two legendaries' eyes widened before the two threw their suitcases off-screen.
"Did I say terrible? I meant amazing! Of course it's amazing!" Genesect quickly corrected, nodding his head frantically. Kyurem, on the other hand, folded his arms and groaned.
"You mean I have to work with you two again?! This is just fantastic!" The dragon angrily knocked over his suitcase while Genesect quickly threw his off to the side. The normal type between them simply sighed.
"The vacuum of space is sounding highly appealing right now."
6...
5...
4...
3...
2...
1...
Kyurem grumbled something as the three reentered the theater, taking their seats once again as the screen above them flickered to life. Or just sitting down on the floor in the Ice Dragon's case.
pokemon attack of mewtwo
By: Adoxographic Anomalist
Reposting of a timeless classic by dark-lemur, which was originally deleted. Warning: this is dark fic it has many dark themes and death and vilence do not read unless you want to
"Oh great, someone marched straight through hell just to give us this..." Kyurem grumbled.
Arceus ignored the comment. "Well, the summary is already filled with 'vilence'."
"wake up Sarah" said Sarahs mom. Sarah was pokemon trainer who was thirteen years old with black hair and nice smile and really pretty.
The three sat in a stunned silence for a few seconds before Genesect slowly spoke. "This is terrible so far."
Kyurem coughed uncomfortably. "Please tell me this isn't going to turn into Supper Smash Bros: Mishonh from God..."
"ok mom" said Sara and she rememberd that she was old enough for pokemon journey because pokemon leage changed age that trainers could leave home and Sarah went to see professer Oak.
Arceus' eyes narrowed. "Well, three sentences in and we already have a load of plot convenience. Great job, story."
"Hi Oak" said Sarah
"Please, Professor is just fine," the Alpha Pokémon commented cheerfully.
and Oak told sarah that he had only one pokemon left.
Genesect smiled sardonically and rolled his eyes. "How convenient..."
"It is evee"
"Pokemon Yellow strikes back," the Boundary Pokémon said in his best impersonation of an announcer.
said Oak and Sarah said it was her favorite and Oak gave her pokeball and sarah let pokemon out.
Kyurem sighed and threw his arms into the air. "Yes folks, there's nothing about that sentence that deserves fleshing out."
Arceus hummed. "Not that we're interested, anyway."
"eevee" said the eevee. "it is so kawaii" said sarah (it is japanese for cute ok!)
Genesect threw his arms into the air and screamed. "I'M NOT EVEN BOTHERING ON THIS ONE!"
The Angry Bug then tried to leave the theater in a storm, only for Arceus to mentally drag him back to his seat.
Sarah walked out of labradory and suddenly mewtwo.
"Decided to end our torture by sending her into Super Smash Brothers," the Alpha Pokémon said dryly.
"I'll doubt that. I would really want to become a fighter in Smash Bros though..." the Bug/Steel Type muttered bitterly. Arceus sighed.
"Not before I get to use Judgement instead of Gravity."
"who are you" asked sarah "i am mewtwo and I hate pokemon trainers and I will explode oaks laboratory so that NO ONE CAN BE TRAINER"
"Yeah, killing one old man is going to stop people from becoming trainers," Kyurem said with a roll of the eyes.
"NO said sarah
Genesect scratched his head. "Sarah said Sarah said?"
"why do you want to explode lab"
Arceus' eyes narrowed. "Because you were just in it."
"because humans are evil" sad mewtwo
Genesect growled. "They probably turned evil because of how horrible this writing is! Maybe THIS fic's the reason why Cyrus wanted to change the universe or Lysandre wanted to kill everyone! Because they read this fic!"
The Alpha Pokémon nodded sadly. "It almost makes me regret not delivering my Judgement in M10."
"no mewtwo you are evil"
"Good line delivery," Kyurem commented apathetically.
said sarah and then mewtwo blew up lab anyway
"Well, that escalated quickly. No, seriously, there's no details on how it exploded. It just HAPPENED!" the Paleozoic Pokémon yelled.
"It's for the best," Arceus commented sagely, while Kyurem nodded in agreement.
"no" said sarah and saw oak was dead and was Gary.
Genesect started laughing hysterically, pointing at the screen before doubling over. "It is funny because they are dead!"
"no why did you do this mewtoo you are evil" said sarah
Kyurem scoffed and crossed his arms. "You're just upset that you won't get to date Gary now. Unlike another terrible fanfiction I know of."
"Shut up or I EXPLODE YOUR HEAD" said mewtwo
"Please!" Arceus cried out in desperation.
"Well, at least they'll be going out with a bang..." the Boundary Pokémon murmured with a small smile.
"Heh..." Genesect stifled any more chuckles. "The puns are better than the story."
but sarah not listen and mewtwo shat sichic at her.
The Angry Bug threw his hands up into the air again. "But I guess no amount of puns there are won't make up for the unnecessary swearing in this!"
"It's more entertaining to just see how many unintentional curses the author can make instead of reading the actual story," Kyurem stated without any amount of warmth.
"now she is dead" said mewtwo and flew away
The three let out a 'hooray' in unison.
but sarah was not dead and blacked out and so was eve.
"Colonel Klink is more thorough than Mewtwo," Arceus said in his usual deadpan.
then sarah woke up and saw that mewtwo was gone and was sad and sad "mewtwo I will take ravange on u for exploding oaks lab" and decided to train eevee to become stranger than mewtwo even though mewtwo was legendry and so her pokemon journey begun
Genesect's head jerked violently, sparks flying and smoke beginning to billow out of it. "Wow... Just wow... So many spelling errors, punctuation errors and an whole mess of things in just one sentence..."
to become stranger than mewtwo
"Just be yourself," Kyurem's voice was dripping with sarcasm.
Sarah was tired and angry and sad
"So are we," Arceus commented.
and train hard to defeat mewtwo.
"Well, good luck with that," the purple Pokémon said disinterestedly.
Eve was get ing stronger b/c she was fighting wild pokemon and doing good.
"And that's bad," Arceus commented sagaciously.
Then a trainer
"I never thought I would be grateful for a lack of description," Kyurem grumbled.
"Hey do you want to battle?" "sure the other trainer was hot and look like 13 year old Zac Efron.
"I think the author might be an High School Musical fan. And when I mean High School Musical fan, I mean Zac Efron fangirl," Genesect slammed his claw into his armrest. "Can this fic get any worse!? We all know Zac Efron's a bad actor!"
The Boundary Pokémon sighed. "At least this means she won't end up with any of the actual characters... Though I can't seem to find the appeal of a Zac Efron going through awkward puberty."
Other trainer said "go ralts"
"R, A, L, T, S! Go Ralts!" Arceus cried out in a high-pitched voice, while the other two critics groaned and facepalmed.
and then there was ralts.
"And two," Kyurem quickly added in.
"what pokeman is that"asked sara
"HE JUST SAID IT WAS RALTS!" the Paleozoic Pokémon shouted.
"ralts" said the other trainer that was fighting sarah.
Arceus rolled his eyes. "As opposed to the other trainer that was having tea with Sarah?"
And ralts saw that sarah was nice person b/c it read her emo tions like nice book but still wanted to fight her
"Mary Sue checklist; good with animals? Check," Kyurem muttered.
"ralts confusion" said boy trainer
"I already miss Mewtwo," Arceus bemoaned.
"eevee dodge and tackle" said sarah and eevee dodged confusion and used tackle.
"I don't know what to say about this part," Genesect sighed. "It doesn't even deserve an Intoxiquer joke..."
Sarah told eevee to use tackle and eevee did and eevee got critical hit.
"Overpowered cute Pokémon? Check."
Arceus turned to Kyurem. "Is that really necessary?"
The Dual Type glowered. "I have to keep my sanity somehow."
"ralts return" said other trainer "your good"
All three critics exchanged glances and shrugged.
"so are ou" said sarah. "I am jake"sad trainer "I am sarah" said sarah.
"Do you even English, brah?" the Alpha Pokémon snorted at Genesect's comment.
"Oh I had forgotten mewtwo explod oaks lab" she said.
"Dinner's in the oven, don't forget to record Seinfeld when it comes on. Oh, and Professor Oak's lab blew up. Bye, honey!" Arceus commented in an insufferably high-pitched voice.
"OAKS LAB NO"
"It's only crime was being in this story..." Kyurem said through forced tears.
reply jake "Why you not tell me this?"
"Because NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU, JAKE!" Genesect shouted, throwing out his hands for emphasis.
"Or your khakis," Kyurem added sarcastically.
"I am train to defeat mewtwo!"
"And you're on a collision course with wackiness," the Boundary Pokémon grumbled, crossing his arms.
yelled sarah
"WHY ARE WE YELLING!?" Arceus shouted.
"I DON'T KNOW!" Genesect replied just as loudly.
"mewtwo is legendry you cant' fight him own ur own. You will need help let me join you"
"No! NO!" the Paleozoic Pokémon shouted, shooting out of his seat.
"Please don't," Kyurem commented much more quietly.
"Think of it this way," Arceus began. "Mewtwo can kill two annoying birds for no reason with one stone."
That seemed to satisfy the other two, and Genesect sat back down.
"okay" said sarah "We should catch pokemon" said lake and they saw some pokemon and they caught them.
Kyurem crossed his arms. "I would still hate this even if it did have description."
Suddenly mewtwo teleported there.
Arceus let out a sigh of relief. "Mewtwo's back! Thank goodness..."
"You again?" said mewtwo. "I thought I killed you along with res of lab."
"We wished that happened..." Genesect muttered.
Sarah and Jake were scarred
"So are we," Kyurem's eyes narrowed. "For life."
because their pokemon were weekend and mewtwo was stong and smart and tough.
"And cool and fast and... Well, I got nothing," Genesect conceded.
"On the other hand," Kyurem pointed out. "Jake and Sarah's Pokémon are apparently an embodiment of the weekend. So at least they have that going for them."
Mew2 raised hand but then another mewtwo apeared. "what" said Sarah. "what" said Jake. "what" said the first mewtwo.
"What?" Arceus joined in.
"What?" Kyurem followed.
"What?" Genesect replied with a scratch of the head.
"What?"
"What?"
"What?"
"What do you mean what?"
"No, I was asking what in return to what."
"What I think you mean is-" Arceus sighed.
"That's enough..."
The new mewtwo look at other mewtwo and said "you have have killed humens and ruin my good name you will pay
Kyurem rolled his yellow eyes. "With a 4% interest rate."
… … … … …
Arceus blinked blankly, turned to Genesect, who only shrugged, and then looked over to Kyurem, who just scratched his head.
… … … … … …
"Well, I'm going to take a nap," Genesect commented.
… … … … …
"Anyone want to go watch paint dry?" Arceus asked with a yawn.
… … … … … … …
"I think there's a Lord of the Rings movie playing in the next spaceship over. I'm going to go watch that and hopefully this will be halfway over when it's finished," Kyurem commented.
… … … … … …
"Yes; it's Manos: The Hands of Fate," the Alpha Pokémon commented cheerfully with a roll of the eyes.
… … … … …
Genesect started to snore.
CLONE!"
All three critics cried out in shock, Genesect jumping in his seat and blinking at the screen. "Uh... Where were we?"
Kyurem blinked. "I... forget."
"What was this about, again?" the Normal Type wondered.
"I think it had something to do with explosions," Kyurem replied.
Mewtwo and Mewthree
"Mewthree. How original!" Genesect commented sarcastically.
faxed each other.
Arceus made a few beeping noises. "This story is awful."
Mewtwo shoot shadow balls at mewthree and mewthree dogded balls and laffed "you are infearier clone mewtwo now I kill you for trying to stop me from wiping out human race ha ha"
"Geez, even the BITTERCOLD is a better villain than Mewthree!" Genesect slammed his claws into the armrest. "AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING!"
Arceus sighed. "And yet, he's still the best thing to happen to this story."
"who are you" asked mewtwo
"Really?! Even though the narration JUST said?" the purple Pokémon asked tiredly.
"I am mewthree and humans made me from your genetics but I hat humans"
Kyurem snorted. "He's going through his rebellious phase."
"No!" shouted mewtwo "how dare they use my genetic its MY GENETIC NOT YORS"
Suddenly a clon army came out from behind mewthree
"it is the attack of the clones"
Arceus laughed delusionally. "Ah, that explains everything; George Lucas wrote this!"
"And probably directed it, too," Kyurem chimed in.
said Sarah and mewto teleportled themt o lab. "where is this?" asked jake
"Hell," Genesect said bluntly, arms crossed.
I once tried to kill humans too" said mewto
"Please tell me he's a recidivist," Kyurem muttered.
"but now I use my science for good
"NOPE, CHUCK TESTA!" the Paleozoic Pokémon yelled.
I cannot fight clone army alone you must help me"
Mewtwo used genetics on there pokemon and they evolved and becum stronger than normal pokemon
Kyurem blinked. "That's it? Just... Genetics?"
Arceus nodded. "Genetics. It gives you health."
except for Sarah's eevee which could evolve into any evolushon
All three Pokémon groaned in agony.
"And now we have a full-blown Sara Sue..." Kyurem muttered through his claws. Arceus only nodded while Genesect stood up and turned towards the exit. Both Kyurem and Arceus craned their neck to follow him.
"Genesect, where are you going?" Genesect didn't respond to Kyurem's half-question, half-demand, and simply carried on.
"Genesect!?" Arceus' eyes narrowed when he was met with the same silence as Kyurem. "Come back!"
The force in the Alpha Pokémon's voice caused the Dual Type to stop and peek his head through the doorframe of the theater. "NO! I'M FREAKING DONE! I'M FREAKING DONE!"
"Oh no you're not, Bug! If I have to sit through this then so do you!" Kyurem growled out, standing up and marching over to Genesect.
"THIS IS UTTER RUBBISH!" the Angry Bug shouted out, Arceus letting out a quiet sigh as Kyurem began dragging Genesect back into the theater.
"Well, he's not wrong there..."
when ever she wanted then turn back the eevee was also pink and blue in stead of brown and whit.
Kyurem's eyes narrowed, and he released his grip on Genesect's bony arm as he let out a growl. "Well, that totally establishes it! This fic is utter garbage!"
Smoke began billowing out of the purple Pokémon's head. "WHAT IS THIS?!"
Genesect then unfolded his back canon and aimed it at the projector overhead. The Alpha Pokémon, still seated, blanched. "I think you need to calm down a little, Genesect..."
The Angry Bug paid no heed to his quiet comment. "WHAT IS THIS?! I DON'T EVEN!"
Kyurem, who had sat back down, began laughing at Genesect's performance. "This is more entertaining than the story."
Arceus just sighed again as Genesect threw his arms into the air and began pacing back and forth. "WHAT IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW?!"
The Paleozoic Pokémon then turned around and marched back to the exit. "I CAN'T DO IT, GUYS! I JUST CAN'T DO IT ANY MORE!"
Kyurem rolled his eyes. "Say what you want bug, but if me and Arceus have to sit through this sadistic torture, then you're staying. Not that you can leave, anyways."
"YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! LOOK AT WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH HERE, KYUREM!"
"AND THE SOONER YOU SIT BACK DOWN THE SOONER IT WILL BE OVER!" Arceus flinched as the shouting continued on both sides of him.
"Would you two stop shouting, please?" neither heard the Alpha Pokémon.
"WE GOT TO DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!" Genesect shouted.
"GENESECT!" Kyurem didn't notice Arceus' eye twitch.
"WE GOT TO DRAW A FREAKING LINE IN THE SAND, MAN!"
"Can you two please stop shouting?" Arceus' request was drowned out by Genesect's increasingly pitchy voice.
"WE GOT TO MAKE A STATEMENT! YOU'RE GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'WHAT AM I WILLING TO PUT UP WITH TODAY?'" the Paleozoic Pokémon then pointed at the frozen screen. "NOT FREAKING THIS!"
"SILENCE!" Arceus' roar shook the theater and caused both critics to immediately stop and pale. The Alpha Pokémon rose from his seat and turned toward the exit. "I think it would be best if we took a short break to cool our heads."
The two other Pokémon gave muted agreements to his thinly-veiled command, and followed him out of the theater.
The three critics came out of the theater, with Arceus heading to the main console, Kyurem heading off to one side and Genesect heading to what looked like an ice-machine. As the two other critics did... something, Arceus started pushing various buttons to try to get the screen to come on and see if Mew was still in her evil scientist-esque lair.
"I'm... sorry, you guys..." Genesect commented quietly, putting an ice-pack on his head, gaze downcast. Arceus turned around in curiosity while Kyurem glanced over, absentmindedly fiddling with some machinery. "I'm usually good at keeping my patience even with bad stories, but my reaction to that was just... too far..."
"Eh..." Kyurem went, looking to one side. "We all lose our cool sometimes, no pun intended. I have and Arceus has too."
Arceus nodded, turning his attention back to the screen. "Yes; we've all had our share of bad fan-fictions, creepypastas for Kyurem, but the point stands that us critics have to review horrible things from time to time. This story is no exception."
Genesect nodded, a claw going to his chin in contemplation. "Well, we can all agree that this story is terrible, right?"
"Of course!" Kyurem barked immediately. Arceus nodded. "That's indeed a fair assessment."
"Well I glad you liked it so far, Arcy!" a flighty voice called over from the view screen, causing the three critics to scowl as Mew appeared on the screen.
"It's certainly a doozy!" she remarked with an innocent grin before leaning in. "How's the experiment?"
"It's going terrible so far!" Kyurem stated, going up to the console. "I think Genesect almost had an aneurysm over it!"
Genesect walked over and shook his head, struggling to keep the ice bag on it from falling off. "I'm part robot. All I get is the blue screen of death!"
"We had to take a break after Kyurem and Genesect had a shouting match at each other," Arceus commented seriously, closing his eyes whilst Mew nodded.
"Sounds about right..." Mew remarked once again, blue orbs tilted upwards. She then noticed the ice bag on top of Genesect's head, and grinned mischievously. "Hey, Geney!"
"Don't call me that," The Angry Bug warned with an annoyed look plastered across his face. Mew just kept grinning.
"I see that you got an ice bag. Did ya get it from the ice machine?" Genesect nodded and frowned.
"Yeah, why?" he asked, his voice a strange mixture of curiosity and hesitation. Mew did a backflip and held out her arms with a huge grin on her face.
"It's filled with Nevermeltice! The kind that will freeze you solid!"
Genesect blinked. "Oh ba-"
And then, suddenly, with a bright flash, Genesect's entire head was encased in ice a giant ice cube. Arceus and Kyurem looked at Genesect's predicament for a second before the Ice/Dragonr broke out in laughter, falling back while cackling while Arceus merely chuckled.
"I guess Genesect needs to 'chill' out!" Mew laughed out, causing a muffled groan of frustration from the ice-encased Dual Type.
"Now, now, Mew…" Arceus commented, stifling a chuckle. "That wasn't very... ice!"
Through the icy block, the expression on Genesect's face morphed into one of 'Really? You made that pun?!'. Kyurem got back up, with a devious grin on his face. "Wait, wait! I got one! Genesect needed to chill out!"
The collective silence by the other two critics and Mew made Kyurem realize that the pun he made was terrible.
"Mphm! Mmm mphm mphm!" Genesect stated through the ice, with Arceus nodding in agreement. "Yes, I have to agree. Kyurem, that was a terrible pun, even by my standards."
"It almost made me want to blow up the Hall of Origin again!" Mew exclaimed, stubby arms going up into the air while Arceus glared at her. Kyurem frowned.
"Well, that's rather cold of you..."
Though a clear muffled groan could be heard from Genesect, Arceus only rolled his eyes lightly. "Just help Genesect out of his icy situation."
After Genesect muttered what sounded like a curse (it was really hard to tell due to the ice muffling his every word), Kyurem nodded and whacked the ice rather quickly and efficiently, cracking it right down the middle.
The ice then fell off Genesect's head, splitting into two, leaving two chunks of ice on the floor with a perfect mold of the Bug's head on the inside. The Paleozoic Pokémon then looked down at the ice, then back up at the other two critics, and then other at Mew.
"You know, all those jokes about the ice weren't very... punny!" Genesect joked with a wide smile, causing Arceus to snort, Mew to giggle and Kyurem to groan and slap his forehead. Arceus shook his head and then turned around to the monitor.
"I guess there's no chance you'll let us out before the story ends?" Arceus questioned with mock-humility, eyes narrowing while wearing a non-existent frown. Mew shook her head with a grin.
"No way, Arcy! This whole place won't let you three go until you finish that story!" Mew declared excitedly, doing a backflip. "It was fun to get Intoxiquer on this! He's such a funny Crobat!"
"What about the other Cryogonal?" Kyurem asked, scowling with an annoyed look on his face. Mew shook her head sadly.
"I could only get Cryogonal the Critic to work with us," Mew replied, thinking whilst floating. "They said they had plans... Something about throwing a party at Full Court. Eh, one's good enough anyways."
"WHAT?!" Kyurem shouted in anger, slamming his fist into the counter, causing Genesect to fall back to fright and Arceus to jump. "That's it! Let's get this story over and done with! I've got a party to stop!"
With that, Kyurem stomped off to the theater, with Genesect getting back up and looking somewhat confused. Arceus sighed and with that, the two followed Kyurem.
6...
5...
4...
3...
2...
1...
The three walked back into the theater silently and reassumed their seats, the fic above them playing once more.
"Now you are ready to fight mewthree"
Arceus rolled his eyes. "Yes; bad color palettes will overcome Mewnegativetwo."
and then jake turned on television and saw that clone army was already killing humans
Genesect pumped a fist into the air. "Everyone's dying like in the actual Star Wars! YAY!"
"You see, it's like poetry," Kyurem said quietly. "Everything has to rhyme."
and jake was mad "we have to stop the clones"
"You know; this story says what it's going to do, and boldly does it," Arceus remarked neutrally.
aid jake and mewtwo teleported them to the city
Genesect scratched his head. "What city?!"
"The one where the lights go down, and the sun shines on the bay," Arceus replied.
where the clone pokemon were attacking but mewthree wasn't there and it made them mad.
"Get glad!" Kyruem's eyes narrowed. "Actually, I don't care either way. This story would still be boring."
"I will find mewthree" said mewtwo and mewtwo teleported and left them to fight clones all on own but the trainers were ready "let's go".
"To hell?" Genesect asked innocently. "Please! Because, certainly, this story deserves to go there!"
And hoped they were god enough to stop clones.
"Oh no, they really are going to turn into Mishonh from God!" Arceus cried out in terror. All three critics started panicking.
Sarah and Jake find themselves in Safron cityand saw clones everywere. "Their everywere" said Jake.
"I swear this story gets even worse the more we read it! ARGH!" Genesect buried his face in his claws.
"Dont worry!" said Sarah and then Eevee turned into an umbrion but it was still pink.
"Over glorified Ditto to the rescue!" the Boundary Pokémon cried out in mock-heroism.
mewthree odered the clones to attack, and they started to blow buildings.
"Wait a second, didn't the chapter before hand say that Mewthree isn't here?" Genesect wondered.
"Are you really going to complain about Mewthirtythree appearing?" Kyurem muttered. The other critic sighed.
"Yes, Kyurem, I am going to complain about Mewsixtytrees appearing!"
"No there were people in there!" said Jake.
"Don't worry Jake! They'll be dead soon!" the Paleozoic Pokémon commented happily.
"They had no meaningful impact on the plot or the non-existent moral, but they might exist in some corner of his imagination nonetheless," Arceus commented apathetically.
"Gallad go!" then Gallaid came out.
"Get Gallaid brand Band-Aids for all your clone Pokémon injury needs," the Normal Type commented in an announcer-like voice.
It was blue and white and shiny.
"Guess that Jake is a Gary-Stu as well," Genesect muttered.
"We all saw it coming at 'Zac Efron'," Kyurem replied in turn.
"Syco cut" ordered Jake and then the gallaid used Syco cut which hurt a weezing clone.
"Gallaid; for when regular lemonade isn't strong enough," Arceus continued in his impersonation.
Then a chairzard started to breath fire at them but Eevee turned to vaporion to stop it then it used hydro pimp.
"Someone get that Vaporeon a pink fedora and cane," Kyurem chuckled. The Angry Bug was too busy scratching his head to reply.
"A 'chairzard'? Why can I imagine a flying chair that can breath fire? But, never mind that, more Mary Sue-ness!"
Then more clones came and Eevee changed form to stop them but there were too many of them. "There are too many of them" sad Jake.
All three critics let out a cheer.
And then they sent out a bunch of other pokemon and they started to do well against clones but there were still too many.
"Of course there are too many! It's an army after all!" Genesect cried out.
"Don't complain," Kyurem hissed.
Then Saraj looked up in the sky and saw somone with purple hair riding on garchomp it was Paul. "LEAVE HER ALONE YOU DAMN CLONS"
"Rescued by popular anime character? Check," the Boundary Pokémon muttered.
said Paul and he sent out a bunch of pokemon and beat up the rest of the clones.
"And we didn't see what those Pokemon actually were since they were a bunch, but that doesn't matter for the story!" Genesect nearly screamed.
"Does anything at this point?" Arceus wondered.
"Thank you Paul" said Sarah "No prolbem" said Paul. "Jus here to help".
"Sadly," the Alpha's comment echoed all three's sentiments.
Jake was jealus because Paul was look amazing but Sara dint notice.
The Paleozoic Pokémon blinked. "Paul isn't amazing. I don't even know why Ikarishipping exists either! HE'S A JERK!"
Suddenly Mewthree in the sky.
"With the 5 o'clock news," Arceus chimed in.
"Attenton every one I have just beat Mewtwo and now I will destoy all humans no one can stop me"
Genesect jumped up. "DON'T WORRY! WE GOT ANOTHER ONE FROM MY MOVIE!"
"I can" said Sarah and Mewthree laughed.
"At least Mewtwotwo is having a good time..." Kyurem grumbled.
"How will you beat me when I am up here and you are down there? I will kill you from sky and you not reach me!"
All three critics took a slow, collective blink, Arceus being the first one to react. "Did this story just make sense?"
Genesect's head jerked to the side. "What?! Impossible!"
Kyurem crossed his arms and grunted. "It refuse to believe it was on purpose."
"He's right"
"So it was a fluke," the Boundary Pokémon clarified.
said Jake but then umbrion grew big yellow wingsand flew up to Mewthree.
"Deus Ex Machinas! Deus Ex Machinas everywhere!" Genesect stuttered out.
"Is it a Dues Ex Machina if everything else is?" Arceus mused.
"What" said Mewthree "How did you do that".
Kyurem sighed heavily. "Does it really matter at this point?"
"It was special modify" said Umbrion
"So the Umbreon can speak because...genetics?!" Genesect's arms dropped in defeat. "I wonder what's going through Mewthreehundred's mind?"
"I'm going to kill my agent," Arceus replied in the Psychic Type's voice.
"You talk too"
"Sadly," all three said in unison.
said Mewthree and then umbrion used faint and attack and it was super effective.
"Fortunately, Mewx is not done yet," Arceus interjected.
"So Mewtwo used genetics on your pokemon I didn't expect this I will have to retreat. But Ill be back for reveng!" saidMewthree and then he teliported away.
"Come back, Mewshane..." Kyurem sighed out.
"No fair!" said Jake "How did that happen" asked Sarah
"If anyone asked something in this story, the answer is always going to be genetics," Genesect stated.
"Mewtwo gave me extra special genetics. "
"And we have a winner!" Arceus cried out.
said Umbrion then turned back to Eevee. "I am sorry for keeping secret" "Its okay" said Sarah.
"The thought process behind this story is also a secret," Kyurem growled out.
"That's only because it's considered a weapon of mass destruction," the Normal Type replied.
But we need to find Mewthree we should train for next math. I'll get you Mewthree".
"If your math is as good as your English, I weep for the future," Arceus bemoaned.
Sarah Jack n Paul decide to hell out citie and look for surviver.
"So the city is in hell? Thought so," Genesect stated with a nod.
"We should look for survivors" said Paul sexily
Arceus just stared a dead stare at the screen while Kyurem facepalmed. "This has become a parody of itself."
"Ok" said Sarah and they look for survors. Sarah was distracted by Pauls nice hiAR and sexy bod
"NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE!" Genesect repeated, waving his hands at the screen, while Kyurem rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, all ten year old anime characters are secretly bodybuilders."
and made Jake jealous Stop looking at me like that" sid Paul.
Arceus blinked slowly. "I don't know what's creepier; the shameless self-insert caricature ogling Paul, or that this story just had an in-character moment."
Jake god idea.
"What's Jake's God idea?" the purple Pokémon asked hesitantly.
"God milk?" Kyurem replied.
"Gallad use telikineses (I think that's how its spelled) and Gallad put the buildings back together.
"Gallad, for all your advertising needs!" Gensect exclaimed in a voice reminiscent of Arceus' impersonation.
"For your information, that is not how it's spelled," Kyurem growled, pointing at the screen. "But coming from someone who can't spell the word "said" correctly, I'm not surprised!"
"Good job" said Jake and they found som survivors and they rescue them.
"I think being trapped in the building would have been a more merciful fate..." Arceus muttered.
"I must go now. " said Paul "There are more ppl that need help".
All three critics breathed a sigh of relief.
"No don't go!" said Sarah.
"I haven't creepily stared at you enough!" Kyurem said in a crude imitation of her voice.
"We need all the help we can get to beatMewthree he is very stong" "Okay" said Paul
All three cried out 'No!' in unison.
Jake pulled Sarah aside and aksed "do you like Paul"
"In a weird, fangirlish way?" Arceus added on.
"I guess so" said Sarah and made Jake sad because he was IN LOVE with Sarah.
"Not LOVE! Oh, the horror..." Kyurem cried out over-dramatically.
"Do you like him like him" asked Kake
"So Jake's been turned into a cake?" Arceus mused happily while Genesect stood up in his seat and pointed at the viewscreen.
"THE CAKE IS A LIE!"
"Maybe" said Sarah "Why?" "Sarah I love you" said Jake. "Really"said Sarah "really" said Jake and then they kissed.
Genesect threw his arms into the air. "Right, everybody! This is how you do love! We can up pack now! Let's go home!"
He stood up to leave, only for Arceus to telepathically drag him back into his seat.
(AN: Paul is 13 in this story so it not weird OK)
The Ice/Dragon's eyes narrowed. "Couldn't get enough of the author in the author's notes? Don't worry, we have you covered."
"We ned to find Mewthree" said Paul.
"We can't forget about Mewwandosdrei!" the Paleozoic Pokémon commented.
"My gallaid has psikic powers"
"I don't think I've mentioned that yet," the Alpha commented in Jake's voice.
said Jake and Gallaid used sichic powers to find mewthree
The Paleozoic Pokémon grinned. "Well, that's convenient!"
"Gallaid," Arceus began in his announcer voice. "For all your villain finding needs."
"He is in the belt ower
Kyurem snorted. "Let's count our blessings and be glad she didn't try to write brass tower."
but it is far away to teleport to so we will have to drive there on motorcycles"said Gallad telepathetically
Genesect growled. "Is this turning into Mad Max?!"
"Hopefully they'll all crash," Kyurem stated bluntly.
"I will give u motorcycles" said one of the survivors who owned a motorcycle shop who they rescued earlier.
"Driver's license? Never heard of it," Arceus commented innocently.
"Just make sure to give her one where she can actually grab the handlebars," Kyurem muttered.
"And don't forget to use genetics on it so it can change colors," the Alpha Pokémon said.
Sarah Jake an Paul drove fast as wind and got to new bark ton and saw salamens there
"Solomon?" Genesect wondered aloud.
"Salad men?" Kyurem joined in.
"Salamanders?" Arceus mused.
"Salami men?"
"Salary pens?"
"Salable gins?"
"Sableye dens?"
"What is salamens doing here" said Pail
Genesect threw his bony arms out in front of him. "WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS, PEARL!"
"I am super clone made bymewthree I am 2nd only to mewthree and am 2nd in comman" said salemend
"Salesmen?" Kyurem sighed and hung his head at Arceus' comment.
"We're done with that."
The Angry Bug scratched his head. "I think it's supposed to be a Salamence?"
"Salamenace," Arceus commented with a small chuckle. Kyurem just facepalmed.
"If I didn't know better, I'd think you were enjoying this..."
Arceus made a motion akin to shrugging. "I might as well make the most of it."
"I will be making sure you never redach mewthree DIE!"
"Oh goodness, he's making an Ganon reference! A bad one though..." Genesect commented with a frown.
Slamence clawed Sarah in face and evee turned vaporeon to sop it but slamence use dargon bread on it and hurt.
Arceus' rolled his eyes. "Stop loafing around and use your Mary Sue powers, Sara."
Genesect snorted. "Please leave the bread jokes out! We're not b-ready for them, at yeast!"
Kyurem just groaned.
"Ha ha ha" say Salamence "you are week and will die"
"Don't worry! From this story, I bet everyone who reads this is now dead inside! I'm certainly am!" Genesect said happily.
{NO" said Sarah"I wont let you kill" but salamens attached Paul an Jake before sent outpoekmon and they were lie on ground.
Kyurem blinked. "Napping them to death doesn't seem very efficient OR torturous."
"You cant stop me" said Salamenc. Edward Cullen.
Genesect let out a yelp. "NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!"
Arceus knitted his nonexistent eyebrows. "What is that even supposed to mean?"
"It's who really wrote this," Kyurem grunted. "Which explains a lot."
"Is this Salamence is trying to say that only Edward Cullen can stop him?" the Paleozoic Pokémon began to panic. "If so, we're all screwed!"
"To be fair, that is a very low bar to set," Kyurem chimed in.
"Now you will die" but suddenly sarah start to glow.
"LET'S THE MARY SUE-NESS POWERS BEGIN!" Genesect declared.
Sarah was rhydon
Arceus rolled his eyes. "She already has the IQ of one."
"Whats happening to me". "what"
Genesect opened his mouth, only for Kyurem to quickly cut him off. "We already did that."
said Jake an
Paul. "Sarah you are excape genetic experiment from mewthree you had mew dan so you could transfrom at Will
Arceus' eyes nearly bulged out of his head. "You mean to tell me that Mewnineohonetwofive is responsible for this story!?"
"He did try to kill it and spare all of us this misery, though," Kyurem commented quickly.
Genesect crossed his arms. "But he failed and here we are."
but you forgot and was adopted by family.
Genesect buried his face in his claws. "How did she forget?! It just happened?"
"he mad you human so you could live with humans but kill them when time I control you now" then salamence took out remote and control Sarah
Arceus laughed like a maniac. "Now; jump up and down and sing showtunes!"
"no" said Sarah "now kill friends Jake and Paul" laughed Salamence evilly.
Genesect rubbed his hands together. "Yes! DO IT! JUST DO IT! Put us out of our misery!"
Sarah charge hyper beam and aim at Jake "no don't" say Jake but Sarah couldn't stop it.
Kyurem began counting down.
But then Sarah think of how she love Jake and dint want to hurt him so she shot at tree
Genesect began crying. "That poor tree..."
Arceus' gaze became distant. "The horror..."
"what no" saySalamence. "Mine control will never defeat poer of luv!" say Sarah.
"It will maximize profits, however," Kyurem muttered.
Then salamence turn into jet"if you won't kill friends then I will for you"
The Angry Bug grew wide-eyed. "A Salamence turned into an aeroplane? That's something you don't see every day!"
"He must have taken Flying Lessons," Arceus muttered, while Kyurem chuckled quietly.
but sarah turn into Articuno and used ice beam because it was his weakness and remote destroy "no" and fainted.
Kyurem furrowed his brow. "So, a Salalance can kill Sarah with it's moves, but at best she can only knock it out? Well, can't say I'm complaining."
"so you are genetic expertiment" Jake"I guess so" said sarah
Genesect rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I guess that such a revelation in this story is so grand that it has to be brushed off quite easily!"
"come on we have hurry!" and she turn into arodactil and they all got on and gly to bell "Ill get you mewthee"
"To make me a new Gary Oak with your genetics," Kyurem muttered.
sera to fly bell towel and say mewthree "mewthree I challenge you to pokemon battle"
Arceus rolled his eyes. "You know, you can definitely see Glory For Sleep's influence. What with how there's a final showdown and all."
Kyurem nodded in agreement. "This is something that would make Coli Chibi proud... if his pet Caterpie was writing it."
Genesect put his claw to his chin. "This could give Yoshizilla-Rhedosaurus a run for his money in the crazy department."
Arceus chuckled. "It might even unseat SilverUmbra as the master of sensible nonsense."
"ok" saw mewthree "I chooce me" and shoot black hole at sarah
"And she gets sucked away and ends our suffering!" Genesect cheered, only to drop his arm when Arceus shook his head in the negative.
"No" say sarah and dog.
Arceus blinked. "So... Jake's been demoted to a dog? Well, he was already ordered around like one..."
"Don't forget the puppy love," Kyurem quickly added.
"I will creat world without pokemon trainers" said mewthree.
Genesect blinked. "So, Black and White plot basically?"
"Humans make pokemon slave
"At least my army of mindless clones bound to my will get Christmas off," Kyurem tried mimicking the Psychic Type's voice.
and I hate that and humans. I dint expect to see you again but you will not get in mi weigh."
"Wait, is Mewfree deciding to weigh itself?" Genesect wondered.
"you kill Oak an Lary an mewto and other people too. "say Sarah.
"You also cancelled Young Justice! Die!" Kyurem commented with a small smile, while Genesect jumped out of his seat and aimed his canon at the screen.
"MEWTREE DID WHAT?!"
"You cant stop me I will kill al humans so that no one can be trainer!" say mewthree.
"And then I'll make a glorious world where Pokémon are free to oppress each other!" Arceus said in a much more apt impersonation.
Sarah point! "Shut up or I explode your head!" and became mewtwo too.
Kyurem laughed good-naturedly. "Hey, it's a throwback to the start of the story! And it's just as bad as back then!"
Arceus nodded and joined in hysterically. "That takes effort. Let's give them a round of applause, everybody."
Genesect looked around in confusion as pre-recorded clapping suddenly filled the theater.
"Impossable! said mewtree" "You born me but now I kill you" said sarah.
Genesect's expression melted into one of disgust. "Did Sarah just say that Mewdees gave birth to her?"
"Anything's possible in a post-Gamergate world," Kyurem growled.
"I think Mewtwentyonetwelve's black hole sucked us into Brave New World..." Arceus muttered.
"You may be me but YOU ARE NOT LEVEL" and uses shadow billit
The Angry Bug scratched his head. "Shadow Bullet?"
The Normal Type chuckled. "Shadow-"
"No," Kyurem quickly cut in.
was super effect but eeve jumped in front and it dint hurt him. "Why help human?"
"Why speak George of Jungle?" Arceus' voice became gruff.
"I am friend of sarah" said eevee.
Genesect laughed and pointed at the screen. "Oh look, the friendship cliché!"
Mowthree was confused din't understan why eve help sarah"what is friend?"
Kyurem's tone became patronizing. "Aw, they're trying to get philosophical. How cute..."
"friends are people who nice each other and help other and are" say jake
"Well, that but they can be teasingly annoying and absolutely jerks when they want to be but also can be serious and sympathetic when the situation calls for it, but that's not the point here!" the Angry Bug exclaimed while Arceus rolled his eyes.
"Or completely useless and exist for the sole purpose of being a love interest."
but mew3 still not understan.
"Neither do we," all three said in the same deadpan.
"now I will firght for reind"
Genesect blinked. "Who's Reind?"
Whoever it is, I'm certain they'd be a better hero than Sarah..." Kyurem muttered.
Then Jake send out zorark witch he caut but forgot to tell
"Like the other half of this story," The Normal Type stated.
"ow" said mewtwo
"No screaming in pain? Oh, what a shame!" Genesect said apathetically.
and it use dark plus.
The Boundary Pokémon shrugged. "Dark Plus... I got nothing."
then sarah became ms. drevus
Arceus craned his head to the back of the theater. "Apologies to Mr. Grool for this misrepresentation of Mismagius."
and evee umbrn and hurt mewthree too.
"You punched a giant hole through my midsection," Kyurem commented in his best impersonation. "Ow."
Mwthree fought bake too but couldn't.
"Our... plot... was too weak..." Arceus wheezed out.
"" and faint
The Ice/Dragon chuckled. "It's symbolic for the entire story."
tara was sad for mewthree and use revive.
"She's already prolonged our pain, but now she has to prolong his, too!?" the Alpha cried out.
"why you do that" say paul "why you do that" say mewthree.
The Paleozoic Pokémon leaned forward. "Why did you do that?"
"mewthro humans shouldnt killed" say eevee "pokemon like train."
"I particularly like watching them go through tunnels," Kyurem remarked in a vapid voice.
mewthree was sad and mad and confuse "sarah I will not kill humans now. " say mewthree and sarah knew he wasnt ling.
Genesect slapped his forehead. "What is she, an ace attorney? Because, that would be horrible!"
Mewthree flew into sky with sad face. "I will help human now" and teleport awa.
"By getting out of this story as quickly as possible so it can finally end," Arceus continued in Mewtwo's voice.
"we did it!" sag paul. "yay!" say eevee.
Kyurem's jaw dropped. "Wow. They're so desperate they're ripping off Dora the Explorer."
Then Jake and Sarah start kissin to celebrate. "sarah jake and paul you are heroes" say people and made a parade.
All three critics stood up and started to cheer along with the crowd.
"Hundreds of people are dead!" Arceus cried out in triumph.
"Mewtwothreetwo got off scot free!" Kyurem sang happily.
"Out entire town's destroyed!" Genesect cheered.
"Sarah's still alive! But at least..." all three turned towards the exit.
"The story's over, the story's over, hooray, hooray! The story's over, the story's over, we can go home now! Sandy Frank, Sandy Frank..." all three critics sang as they left the theater behind.
"Well," Kyurem began as they returned to the closest thing their spaceship had to a command deck. "We sat through that piece of crap, now call up Mew so we can finally get back to Earth."
"Already on it," Arceus replied quickly, motioning for Genesect to press the flashing button on the counter. The Angry Bug did so enthusiastically, and all three looked up at the view screen across from them, only to be met with nothing. The two other critics looked down at Genesect, and he chuckled uneasily and began pressing the button even quicker, only to be met with the same result. The realization slowly began to sink into all three, but Kyurem refused to give up hope, and turned to the Alpha.
"How long until you think you can teleport us away?" Arceus sighed.
"A few hours, assuming nothing else will need my attention first," the other two joined in the Normal Type's melancholy.
"So we're trapped..." Genesect muttered. Arceus, though, had begun to look around the room for anything they might use, and his eyes finally landed on something promising.
"What's that?" the Paleozoic Pokémon blinked as the Alpha Pokémon lifted a pointed hoof in the direction of a large, wooden wheel with multiple knobs.
"That? Oh, that's the steering wheel!" it took a few seconds for the comment to register with all three, but once it did, the uncomfortable silence was broken by them all sharing a collective blink and looking at each other. Seconds later, the whimsical music from earlier was echoing throughout the room as the three crowded around the steering wheel.
"This is a song, about three critics," they all sang, swaying side to side in unison as Arceus began steering the spaceship back towards the planet below. "We're falling back into, Earth's orbit!"
"We're gonna kill her with a spaceship! Ole!" While Kyurem and Arceus began laughing as they finished, their ship picking up speed as it began to enter the atmosphere, Genesect dropped his claw and blinked.
"Uh, wait. Aren't we on the spaceship?" all three blinked and then started running around the room in a panic like headless Torchics while their vehicle continued its downwards spiral into the stratosphere. Arceus suddenly stopped mid-gallop, blinking while Genesect crashed face-first into his wheel, before looking back at the viewscreen. "Wait, if there's a steering wheel..."
The Alpha's eyes drifted over to the side, and sure enough, there was a lever with the words 'emergency brake' printed on the bottom. "Kyurem!"
Kyurem blinked, followed Arceus' eyes, and immediately tugged on the brake. It screeched out loudly in protest, but the ship showed no signs of slowing down. All three Legendaries blinked nervously, the Boundary Pokémon quickly yanking harder on the lever until a loud snap rang out. Arceus and Genesect turned back to Kyurem, who was holding the broken stick in one of his claws. All three then went back to panicking.
"K-Kyurem..." Genesect said weakly through his tears as he held onto Kyurem's frozen wing for support.
"Yeah?" the Boundary Pokémon returned through a snivel.
"I just want you to know..."
"What?"
"I couldn't think of anything mushy to say..." the Angry Bug then broke out into more sobs while Kyurem quickly recomposed himself and grimaced, but before he could toss Genesect to the side, the ship suddenly grinded to a halt, sending both Legendaries sprawling forwards. Arceus, by pure virtue of being able to float, was unaffected, and instead sped over to the controls. The Icce/Dragon pushed Genesect off him and slowly got back to his bulky feet, peering out the viewscreen.
"We-We stopped?" Arceus leaned in to the various devices scattered all over the desk, before he raised a non-existent eyebrow.
"Huh. Out of gas," the Alpha Pokémon looked up when he saw both Kyurem and Genesect staring at him in a mixture of deadpan and disbelief. "What?"
Genesect raised his claws and tilted his head to the side. "Well, isn't this the part where one of us points out how that's impossible and gravity kicks back in?"
Arceus only rolled his eyes and moved to the exit. "That only works in cartoons. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a Legendary to flay."
The Paleozoic Pokémon turned to Kyurem, who only shrugged before following Arceus, Genesect falling in line afterwards.
"C'mon..." Mew muttered as she pressed buttons at random, sparks flying from the Berry Juice seeping into the machine, before finally letting out a sigh and slamming down her paws onto the controls. "It's hopeless, I'll never get Arcy back..."
The Psychic Type's triangular ears perked up, and she put a paw to her chin. "Well, he can just teleport himself back down once his powers recharge, but I'd still like to get him down..."
Mew stopped talking when she realized her surroundings had become darker, turning around slowly until she met Arceus' glare. She grew a very shaky smile as the Alpha leaned in, tapping her paws together and laughing nervously. "Uh, hi Arcy..."
He, and the two other critics behind him, said nothing, which only made the New Species Pokémon more nervous. She caught sight of Genesect holding an unconscious Crobat over his shoulder before responding with another uneasy chuckle. "Did you, uh, like your movie?"
Arceus looked like he was about to say something, but Genesect replied first. "I actually wouldn't mind doing this again."
The two other critics turned to look at the Angry Bug in disbelief, and he only shrugged. "What? I had fun."
"Yeah, I guess I did too..." Kyurem muttered, crossing his arms. Arceus only closed his eyes and let out a heavy sigh.
"I suppose I wouldn't mind doing this again under less... pressing circumstances, either," the Normal Type turned back to the two others. "Well, I suppose it's only just that I send both of you back. Have a merry Christmas."
Kyurem and Genescect replied the same as Arceus' eyes flashed a golden hue, and in seconds they all had vanished.
"Christmas again..." Arceus yawned out as he woke up the following day, stretching out his hooves.
"Well, let's see what horrors await me this time, shall we?" he muttered to no one in particular as he opened the doors to his chambers, floating into the Grand Hall. When the Alpha was met with nothing, he only rolled his eyes and counted to three, watching as Mew jumped out from behind one of the pillars.
"Merry Christmas, Arcy!" she kept up her wide grin as Arceus turned to face her stoically, only rolling his eyes.
"So, what Glory For Sleep fanfiction will you rip off this year?" Mew blinked and dropped her expression, crossing her arms.
"C'mon Arcy, where's your Christmas spirit?" the Normal Type only narrowed his eyes.
"It all went into not erasing your existence after your latest stunt," the New Species Pokémon's grin returned in a more sly vein.
"Well, now I know to pull off my best stuff during Christmas," she muttered, before quickly looking back up, blue orbs boring into his green. "But you really let me off the hook 'cause you secretly enjoyed it... And you'd get too lonely without me."
The look that came over the Alpha's face was a cross between 'Blasphemy!' and 'Don't push it'. Mew just chuckled nervously, tapping her stubby paws together before pulling off a backflip. "But to answer your question; I was thinking of stealing a few ideas from SilverUmbra this time."
Arceus' eyes narrowed even more, and he lowered his head to the Psychic Type's level, staring straight into her eyes. "Mew; if you bring anyone from the Happy Dimension here, or vice-versa, I will personally see to it that you are trapped there for a century."
Mew frowned, slouching forward. "Awww. Well, I guess there's always Plan B."
Arceus quirked a non-existent eyebrow as Mew pulled out a Perfect Apple from nowhere, balancing it on her head as she floated up. "YOOOMTAH!"
The room was filled with an overwhelming light for a few seconds, and when it died down, the Creation Trio were present, and a giant aluminum pole covered in ribbons had been placed next to Arceus. Mew threw her paws into the air grandly. "It's time for the feats of strength, and then we'll move onto the airing of the grievances!"
All Arceus could do was look on hopelessly, drop his head and then begin bashing it into one of the marble pillars while Palkia and Giratina began inching closer to Dialga.
"Of course..." the Legendary of Time sighed out before the two attacked. Mew just spun around in place, grin as wide as ever.
"It's a festivus for the restivus!" Mew turned to the side, laughing, and then gave a wave while Arceus hit by a stray Spatial Rend in the background. "Merry Christmas!"
"MEEEWWWWWW!"
The End
Special Thanks:
Matthais Unidostres
Imperator Justinian
DragonNiro
Mr. Grool
Credits:
Mystery Science Theater 3000
Pokémon
McDonalds
Sunglasses at Night - Corey Hart
Pokémon Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald/Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire
Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - Dual Destinies
Star Wars
Ed, Edd n' Eddy
Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope
The X-Files
Mr. Popeil - Weird Al
New World Man - Rush
Pokémon: Adventures on the Orange Islands
Seinfeld
Pokémon Diamond/Pearl/Platinum
Pokémon X/Y
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Star Force: Fugitive Alien II
Looney Tunes
Super Smash Bros.
Pokémon Yellow
Arceus and the Jewel of Life
Hogan's Heroes
High School Musical
Collision Course
Lord of the Rings
Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Manos: The Hands of Fate
Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Gates to Infinity
Kid Icarus: Uprising
Games Grumps
Lights - Journey
Shane
Portal 2
Pokémon Gold/Silver/Crystal/HeartGold/SoulSilver
Mad Max
Gravity Falls
90125 - Yes
Monty Python - Flying Lesson
Glory For Sleep
Coli Chibi
Yoshizilla-Rhedosaurus
SilverUmbra
Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Soultaker
Pokémon Black/White
Young Justice
2112 - Rush
Brave New World
George of the Jungle
Dora the Explorer
Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Time of the Apes
Note from the Author:
Well, another year's come and gone. I just want to say thanks to everyone for sticking by me throughout it, and to Niro and Grool for making this possible (and yes, alternate endings can be found on their versions). Also, I'd like to give a big 'thank you' to Matthais for inspiring the three of us. Well, that pretty much does it, so Merry Christmas!