It was a dark night in the Hall of Origin - and despite the fact that the only light in Mew's room came from a lone desk lamp, she still saw it fit to wear a giant black cloak as she hovered over her table.
"This is getting out of hand..." she muttered, stubby paws shifting through the various papers scattered across her desk. "Arcy hasn't reviewed anything since Christmas, and hasn't done a solo review since July of 2015. And at the rate that he keeps churning out those editorials, we will become a talk show."
Mew shuddered at the scene that filled her mind's eye.
Arceus was sitting behind a desk situated in front of a green-screen of a downtown skyline - the fur on the Normal Type's head was slicked back, his face was obscured by a pair of large rim glasses, and the look was completed with suspenders and a neck tie dangling around his large neck. He looked toward the camera and then leaned into the speaker situated on his desk.
"Hello and welcome to Last Fic Tonight with Arceus, where we have a very special guest with us tonight; Mr. Hideyoshi Hashiba," the camera panned out to reveal Hideyoshi slumped back in an overstuffed chair next to Arceus' desk. The Warlord was twiddling his thumbs and looking down at the floor, but shot up in his seat and gave a sheepish smile. Arceus just rolled his eyes.
"Now, Hideyoshi, you're the Warlord of Ignis and one of the few humans to ever fight alongside Reshiram, correct?" Hideyoshi nodded.
"Yep, and lemme tell you, it wasn't ea-"
"I'm sorry, but that's all the time we have for you tonight," Arceus suddenly cut in before pushing a lever next to his desk. The floor underneath Hideyoshi's seat opened up and he screamed as he fell in, while Arceus turned back to the camera with something that vaguely resembled a smile plastered across his face.
"And now for the nightly news."
Mew dry heaved at the thought but quickly dusted her cloak off and looked back down at the desk. "Arcy's had it too easy lately... I need something to get him back on his game. Something horrible..."
She put a paw to her cheek and bit her bottom lip.
"But it can't just be your regular, run of the mill Mary Sue fic. No..." Mew rubbed her paws together as the final pieces to her grand plan fell into place and let out a dark chuckle. "It has to be a different. A fic that the crowd loves but that's awful nonetheless. Something that transcends guilty pleasure into mindless pandering."
Mew looked up and let a smirk cross her features, and she let out another chuckle.
"I need a Happy Madison production," the Psychic Type's features dissolved into a deadpan, and she reached for a letter on her desk. "Unfortunately since Adam Sandler doesn't do fanfiction, and Genesect already has Yoshizilla covered, I guess that just leaves me with the first chapter of that fic Arcy recommended to Keldeo a while back."
She opened the envelope and pulled out the contents; the letter proper, written in Arceus' nauseously ornate calligraphy, and a USB with the actual story. Mew picked up the drive and looked it over.
"This'll do," the New Species Pokémon began pawing around her desk - she finally found the needle to Arceus' old phonograph and put it on the record, which caused a clap of thunder followed by the opening to Toccata and Fugue to escape the rickety-looking machine. Mew found it appropriate to let out the best evil laugh she could as it played, which really just amounted to something that sounded like she was being tickled. Unfortunately for her histrionic display, the lights to her room suddenly switched on, and the Alpha Pokémon himself was floating in her doorway.
"Mew, bedtime!" the Legendary in question jumped up in her chair at Arceus' commanding voice, using the movement to quickly conceal the envelope in her cloak. Arceus didn't seem to notice, and simply continued floating down the hallway.
Mew yawned, tossed her robe and the envelope on the desk, and floated over to the pile of cushions that served as her bed. "I'll deal with it tomorrow..."
For once in a long while, Arceus was at a loss. Not about the letter that had been pinned to the door to his study with a kitchen knife - he had a very good guess about who was responsible for that - but whether or not he should actually review what horror was waiting inside the inconspicuous envelope. Arceus discarded the letter and looked at the drive - now held in front of his eyes - and then floated into his study.
"Well," Arceus began as he summoned a gust to blow away the cobwebs growing on his computer. "I suppose it has been quite some time."
The Alpha let out a sigh. "And no better way to jump back in and grab attention than through self-mutilation."
Arceus started up the machine and then turned back to the doorway. "Mew!"
The namesake Pokémon happened to be poking her head through the doorway and quickly ducked behind the wall when Arceus spun around. She then reappeared in the doorway, paws folded behind her back and whistling nonchalantly. Arceus rolled his eyes and pulled her into the room telepathically. Mew yelped out as she was thrown into a chair - Arceus turned back to the computer while Mew chuckled uncomfortably.
"So, uh, I-" Arceus sighed.
"Yes," Mew slumped deeper into her seat while Arceus continued. "If I'm going to go through this, then you do as well."
Mew began muttering under her breath, while Arceus just chuckled as he powered up the camera.
"Methinks you've gotten a bit rusty yourself," the New Species Pokémon just crossed her arms and looked down petulantly, while Arceus blinked and floated back as the red light on the camera flickered on. The Alpha cleared his throat.
"Hello there, I'm Arceus the Critic, and this chapter is long overdue," Mew took the opportunity to wave and offer up a cheery grin.
"And I'm Mew - that 'mon who makes sure Arcy's doing what he's supposed to!" Mew blinked as Arceus slowly pushed her chair out of the frame with one of his hind legs and then cleared his throat.
"Right. Well, today I'll be reviewing the first chapter to a multi-chapter, currently ongoing, story I originally recommended to Keldeo. However, since Keldeo is..." Arceus blinked, glanced over to the side, and then made a motion akin to shrugging.
"Well, actually, no one knows what Keldeo is doing right now, but last I heard he was getting off-topic," Mew muttered something about a pot and kettle in the background - Arceus ignored her and carried on. "So I'll be reviewing the first chapter as my first review for the year."
Arceus blinked and turned to look at Mew. "Has it been than long?"
The New Species Pokémon gave a resigned nod, and Arceus let out a sigh as he turned back to the camera. "And so, this is Like a Boss."
Arceus the Critic
"Like a Boss" by Felicity Dream
Like a Boss
By: Felicity Dream
Giovanni gets de-aged and more doors are opened for him. And yet the first thing he chooses to do is harass Ash Ketchum. Ash is just WTF? Ah well, he'll coerce her to help take over the world with him somehow. Team Flare's a start. Fem!Ash/Giovanni, harassment of Team Flare, and makeovers abound.
Arceus blinked.
Fem!Ash/Giovanni
A deafening thud echoed throughout the room as Arceus' desk gained a new face-shaped dent. The Alpha Pokémon sighed and shook his head.
"Yes, it's one of those stories. You know; the ones that a fangirl writes because they want to ship a character they like with a thinly-veiled self-insert, and apparently the author decided that none other than Ash 'Thick as a Brick' Ketchum would be the ideal crucible for their fantasies."
Arceus shook his head. "Well, you're here to hear me scream, so why don't we begin?"
Giovanni wasn't quite sure what to make of his new situation. Granted, it seemed more of a boon to him than anything…
But being younger might have some disadvantages.
Arceus nodded. "Yes; unfortunately he's too baby-faced to star in The Godfather Part IV now."
Mew carved a line into an etch-a-sketch bearing the caption 'Bad Giovanni Jokes'.
Ah, to hell with it! He was younger. How the hell could he have any problems with that?
"And five minutes later he breaks out in acne," Arceus deadpanned.
Especially since he was still old enough in terms to be drinking, holding a job, to smoke, and whatnot. He was going to take every opportunity that was going to be handed to him. And he was plenty sure that he was going to be handed some very useful opportunities.
"Like being the boss of Team Rocket," the Alpha rolled his eyes. "Or guest starring on the Sopranos."
Mew etched another line into the tablet in her paws.
Even if it was a mistake, he'll reward the R&D department handsomely for this.
Arceus blinked. "I'm actually more interested in learning how the R&D department could accidentally de-age someone than in reading this story."
"It was being run by Dexter and Dee Dee," Mew muttered from her seat.
Flipping through the files on his desk, he came upon a certain file from the JJM unit that he'd come to expect weekly, if not daily. He grinned as he flipped through it, ignoring that it was yet another failure from that trio.
He knew exactly what he'd wanted to do now.
Giovanni made some calls, and then he was off to get a car. A nice, sleek red car –fast and luxurious. Yes, he'll drive something like that, and he'll be driving himself.
"Ferris Bueller: The Rocket Years," the Normal Type said in his best voice-over.
Without further to do, he set off to find his car and then go to find a certain Ash Ketchum in Kalos.
"Apparently R&D cooked up a special car that can cross oceans," Arceus muttered. Mew grinned evilly and reached for Arceus' sound effects panel.
(Mewthree: genetics)
Arceus whipped around and shot Mew a glare powerful enough that she immediately pulled back her hand like she had just been burned.
Ash Ketchum was a sixteen year old trainer, and ready to kick some ass in Kalos. Of course, she'd just arrived, but that wasn't going to stop her from taking over and battling her way through this new region.
"Right, Pikachu?!" she was so pumped up.
"…Pika?" Pikachu questioned hesitantly, and Ash forgot that she'd been ranting in her head and not aloud.
She sweatdropped. "Er, sorry, Pikachu. I was thinking in my head again."
The Alpha Pokémon blinked blankly at the screen.
"Ash Ketchum. Thinking. And ranting," a shadow slowly cast itself over Arceus' face, and he telepathically lifted up a cabbage.
"This is Ash Ketchum's brain," the Legendary tore off a scrap of a leaf. "And this is the part devoted to logical thought."
He dropped the vegetable. "Continue."
Pikachu let out a big sigh.
Arceus let out one of his own. "At least I believe Pikachu is still Pikachu."
A loud vroom! sounded through the area, and Ash and Pikachu looked over to see an expensive-looking car drive by, stopping and parking near to them. And then a slightly familiar man stepped from out of the driver's seat, wearing a just as expensive dark suit and sunglasses.
"Come along, Sloane dear," Arceus said while Mew facepawed.
Ash blinked. "Who's this guy?" she asked Pikachu.
"Pikachu? Pika," he shrugged at his owner.
"Close, but no cigar," Arceus said. "It's actually Al Pacino."
Mew drew another line.
The man leaned onto his car using his forearms, staring over at her with a smug smirk.
"Ash Ketchum?"
"I thought you were a ten year old Gary Stu."
"Um, yes?"
"Perfect," he purred and then strode over to her, bodily picking her up and then going back to his car.
"We got ways of making you pronounce the letter O," Arceus muttered darkly followed by an over-dramatic laugh - the Alpha Pokémon cut himself off and cleared his throat.
"Anyways, happy Maple Leaf Day to Unova's northern neighbors," Mew suddenly got the impression that a certain trainer from Sinnoh had just sneezed, but pushed aside the thought.
"Hey, Arcy?" the Alpha turned around.
"Yes?"
"If Gamefreak ever reveals a region there, what do you think it'll be named?" Arceus just rolled his eyes.
"If Alola is anything to go by, I imagine it will be something as infinitely creative as Canehduh."
Pikachu rushed after them, and attempted to shock the guy, who stopped and held out a hand at the mouse pokémon. Rubber gloves. "Nice try," he said cockily at him.
"But my gloves happen to protect my entire body from electrocution!"
(Mewthree: genetics)
Arceus spun back around again; Mew only offered up a nervous smile and slumped back in her seat even more.
He continued in and got into the car, shoving her into the passenger seat up front,
"Here, hold this," Giovanni said as he handed Ash the gun he never bothered showing and got into the driver's seat.
Mew just raised an eyebrow at Arceus' narration.
with Pikachu darting in and slipping into the back.
The man started the car and drove off without another word.
"Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, with his car Concorde..." Arceus and Mew sang.
Of course, Pikachu knew better than to shock the man now, knowing he could cause an accident by either harming the guy who was driving or messing up the vehicle, so he reluctantly refrained by doing any attacks at all, especially electrical attacks.
"Because apparently Pikachu had no time to electrocute Giovanni between the time he put Ash in the front side passenger seat - and apparently turned her into a vegetable in the process, as she put up no resistance whatsoever - and had to walk all the way around the car and get into the driver's seat."
"Who are you and where are we going?! And oh Arceus, I've been kidnapped!" Ash screeched.
Arceus buried his head in the face-shaped dent in his desk and let out a groan.
Giovanni: Yeah, that's great. Do you mind staying quiet for a few minutes while I get a slurpee? I want to see how quickly I can put myself back in braces.
Ash: Sure. Hey, can I get one?
Giovanni: Eh, we'll just share mine. Can't keep the audience waiting for what they came for.
"I'm hurt. You don't remember me?" the man continued to smirk.
Ash frowned and looked closer, before her eyes widened.
"You were on The Borgias!" Mew rolled her eyes at Arceus' shrill voice and etched another line into the toy.
"Wait…no way! Giovanni?!"
"Good job," he mockingly praised.
(Masamune: Imbecile!)
"And you thought I stopped using that one," Arceus chuckled in the direction of the camera. Mew just sighed.
"What happened? Why do you look younger?" Ash began to hyperventilate, which she thought was fair, considering she'd just been kidnapped by the boss of Team Rocket, who had seemed to have de-aged from the last time she saw him.
"An accident from my Research and Development department," he shrugged slightly. "I'm twenty-one, I believe. Which is fantastically brilliant."
"You, Ash, on the other hand, are underage," Arceus commented in Giovanni's voice.
"Good for you," she said sarcastically, still panicking. "But why am I here?"
"To celebrate? Who knows. I just felt like taking you."
"That's stupid! You jerk!" she started cursing at him, scrambling for any insult she could come up with in her head.
"At least buy a girl dinner before placing her into a luxury car without any resistance!" Arceus cried out in Ash's voice.
"My, my, what a mouth," he chuckled. "Should I pull over and spank you?"
Ash shut up and looked at him wide-eyed.
"You were just joking, right?" she muttered a moment later, sullenly crossing her arms around her chest and glaring at her feet.
"Hm…maybe."
Arceus' desk gained a few new dents.
Her eye twitched.
Sometime later, she finally asked him what he wanted again. Giovanni frowned.
"You know, I really don't know. I honestly just felt like getting you and driving off. A whim, I suppose."
The Normal Type's eyes glanced up nostalgically and he let out a lofty sigh. "Ah, youth; those halcyon days of randomly kidnapping girls on whims to force shipping down people's throats..."
"I don't have time for your whims!" Ash shouted. "I've got to get back and follow Alexa to where her sister's gym is, so I can start collecting badges in this region and maybe I can finally win a league!"
Arceus blinked. "Wait, why did she stop following Alexa in the first place? In the time that it took Giovanni to kidnap her, did it never once cross Alexa's mind to just look over her shoulder?"
"It's better if you don't think about it too much, Arcy," Mew said from her seat - Arceus just acknowledged with a weary nod.
He abruptly stepped on the brakes, and the car jolted to a stop. He turned to look at her and tilted his head.
"Her sister is out of town and not in Lumiose City in the first place. Your first Kalos gym would have been in Lumiose City, but it takes in only trainers who have four badges already, and is currently taken over and being run by an artificial intelligence created by the original gym leader, leading you to have to go to the next city to get a badge. You have time to waste with me," he said arrogantly.
She twitched and stared at him.
"I don't have to waste my time with you," Ash retorted, crossing her arms. Giovanni just rolled his eyes.
"Your only other option is a boy who's had a crush on you for Arceus knows how long over a chance encounter at summer camp, a bubble-headed blonde whose inventions blow up every episode, and his younger sister who'll ask you to marry him on first sight."
Ash took a long blink and sunk back into her seat. "Just drive."
Mew cleared her throat as Arceus turned back to the story.
"You know people are going to get confused if you keep doing that, Arcy," the owner of the nickname just shrugged.
"How did you…how did you know about Alexa and her sister and that I was with her? Or all that? At all?"
Giovanni gave her a "So what?" look and Ash began plastering herself against the door.
"Stalker! Oh Arceus, you're a stalker! A pervert! A deviant!" she started screaming.
"A miscreant! A rabble-rouser! A rapscallion!" Arceus cried out in an increasingly shrill voice. "An extra from Gotham!"
Mew facepawed and drew another line into the etch-a-sketch.
Honestly, Pikachu should have done something by now to help out his mistress,
"YOU THINK!?" Arceus roared. Mew held onto her chair for dear life as the entire room shook.
but she was so amusing right now (and especially with the Rocket Boss). Plus, Giovanni wasn't doing anything extremely threatening (aside from the scare-worthy driving speed), and was being rather entertaining as he worked up Pikachu's mistress.
Arceus and Mew both looked at the screen with empty, dead stares - if Mew's jaw was any lower it would have snapped off.
Giovanni snorted. "Jessie, James, and Meowth have been following you since you practically began your journey, and never fail to report about you and their failures because of you. Of course I know all about you and what you're up to. Besides, I make it my business to know everything."
"…Pervert stalker!"
It wasn't until sometime later that Giovanni finally stopped, right in front of a diner.
"Oh, hey, it's Monk's," Arceus commented neutrally.
"Are you hungry?" he surprisingly asked her.
She squirmed in her seat before nodding. He nodded back and pressed the button to release her seatbelt for her.
"The safety-conscious kidnapper, everyone," Arceus deadpanned, while Mew slowly clapped in the background.
"Thank you," she muttered, opening the door and getting out. Being that all her pokémon, except for Pikachu, had been left behind, she wondered if she could still outrun him. Glancing at him, she doubted it. Especially since he still had some pokémon, and she had no doubt that Persian of his was one of them.
It would be a repeat of Meloetta all over again, even without a special shield cage thingy. Unless he had a portable one on him…
He slipped an arm around one of hers, surprising her as he was suddenly there and had broken her out of her mutinous thoughts, but then also taking her aback with the strange action.
"Come. You may order whatever you'd like."
(Dirty Harry: Go ahead, make my day.)
Well, in that case…
Inside, she found that everything sounded delicious. She felt all hungry, and just remembered that she'd not eaten since the small snacks she'd had on board the plane to Kalos. Her eyes landed on one particular dish and she glanced at Giovanni over the menu. He was also browsing through his own.
She bit her lip and turned her menu around. "Um, can I have this?"
He looked up and saw what she was pointing at. "I don't see why not. Go ahead."
Ash grinned happily to herself and browsed the drinks next.
After their order, to which Pikachu enjoyed a ketchup bottle to himself as he curiously observed the odd male they were currently plagued with, Giovanni suddenly spoke up.
"Well," the Origin Pokémon spoke with a sigh. "At least some facets of their original personality remain."
"You know, if you bear with me, I can save you time by driving you to the next city," he offered. "I decided there's only one thing I want from you."
She looked at him suspiciously, and even Pikachu took his attention off of his bottle of ketchup to look at Giovanni.
"And that is?" Ash asked distrustfully.
"To join me, and together we will make cameos in CSI!" Arceus replied dramatically.
"Who hasn't?" Mew muttered as she scratched another line onto her list. Arceus blinked.
"Touché..."
"I noted a pattern to your activities in each region. You tend to…get involved with the respective Teams in each region, and face off with them, even eventually bringing them down. Well, minus my Team of course. But after my Team and the regions where I hold sovereign over, you've managed to take down Aqua, Magma, Galactic, and recently Plasma. Team Flare, in this region, is still active however. Though you've yet to run across them in the first place, I don't doubt that you'll eventually…but I'm thinking of taking the fight to them. You can take the Team out early in your journey, as opposed to tangling with them and eventually taking them out later."
Ash was hesitant, but she agreed that she did tend to have to deal with each Team for each region she'd been to.
"I'll be your ride through each city, if you agree," he promised (not like she could trust his word). "Just come with me to take out their bases along the way to their main headquarters."
"Oh no, they're going to turn into Master Ninja!" Arceus buried his face in one of the dents on his desk while Mew grimaced and covered her eyes with her paddle-shaped tail.
"And where is that?" she asked warily.
"I know for a fact it's located in Geosenge Town," he stated certainly. "We can take them out. Just the two of us."
"If you know where it is, why don't you just take it out yourself?" Arceus shook his head. "In fact, why not just send trained members of Team Rocket there to take down Team Flare if you're that incessant on it. And I'm pretty sure ambition knows no age. Heck-"
"You're overthinking it, Arcy," Mew commented. Arceus muttered something but stopped.
She looked at him skeptically, but then again…she had witnessed his awesome prowess at battling (she was still cowed and put out by the quick loss to him), and she was an awesome battler herself. Except –
"I left most of my pokémon back in Professor Oak's lab," she said dejectedly.
"Not a problem," he said dismissively. "You may use some of mine –"
"I want to use Persian," she said quickly, eyes lighting up.
"No..." Arceus muttered in dismay. "Please tell me Ash hasn't been turned into a crazy cat lady..."
"And what's wrong with them?" Mew demanded as she shot out of her chair - Arceus kicked her into one of the walls.
He raised an eyebrow at her, but though she blushed, she refused to take it back or act all embarrassed.
"Very well. He'll probably agree to it. Who else do you want to use?"
She straightened up eagerly. "Who do you have with you?"
"Kingler, Rhydon, Machamp, Golem, Nidoking, Nidoqueen, and Beedrill," he listed off.
"That's right, I forgot you were a ground-type gym leader," she remembered his time at the Viridian Gym.
"Even though Ash never learned that canonically..." Arceus said hesitantly.
"But what about Beedrill?" she remembered the last one.
"She was the first pokémon I caught on my own pokémon journey," Giovanni revealed to her. "I caught her in the Viridian Forest. She's special because of being the first pokémon I caught and because she's from my 'birthplace.'" He hesitated before adding, "I also have a Charizard, who had been my original, official starter."
She blinked, surprised at that information. But then she counted off the pokémon he'd just listed, including Persian, and then gaped at him.
"That's nine pokémon!"
He looked at her carelessly. "So?"
"It's a whim," Arceus replied in the Rocket Leader's voice. "Something all great criminals act on. Who needs planning?"
"That's three more than you should have," she accused him.
He smirked. "I'm a criminal crime boss of an illegal organization. Need I say more?"
"Jerk!"
But she had agreed to his proposition in the end, so nothing else really mattered.
"Take the Pokéball, leave the Cannoli," Mew floated up behind Arceus and hit him over the head with a rubber Torchic.
"No," she muttered as she floated back to her chair. Arceus just sighed.
Ash had ended up with a team consisting of Pikachu, Persian, Nidoqueen, and Rhydon, who Giovanni insisted be officially traded over (she couldn't even understand how he managed that to be one-sided), only for Ash to become surprised as it evolved into Rhyperior, and Giovanni smugly smirking –she had a feeling he knew that would happen and was why the bastard insisted on an official trade).
She wished she could keep this party as her official team as she battled it out for badges through the region.
"Yes, Ash, no need for Charizard, Infernape, Gible, Sceptile, Staraptor, Snorlax, Heracross, Torkoal, Snivy, or any other truly memorable Pokémon that you've spent countless adventures with - you have a trio of Pokémon handed to you by a mob boss that are closer to your heart," the Alpha deadpanned.
"So where to?" she reluctantly asked, finishing acquainting herself with her team.
"There's actually a base nearby," he told her calmly, even though he had the nerve to just pop that information on her now. "We'll be going incognito."
"I don't think anyone would recognize you to begin with," Arceus muttered. "I sure didn't."
She looked at him in confusion, and he went over to the side and dragged two unconscious people from behind some trees. She gaped at him.
"Man, this diner has everything!" the Normal Type commented in a vapid voice. "Trees, corpses, and mafia ties!"
"While you were busy familiarizing yourself with your team, I went ahead and found these two. We'll be borrowing their clothing to infiltrate the base."
"And if something goes wrong, just start chanting 'Attica! Attica!'."
"You…you knocked them out…"
"It was a necessary evil," he said serenely. "Now help me undress these two."
"We don't look disfigured enough!" Arceus declared. Mew floated over to the screen.
"Hey, Arcy, weren't Team Flare's uniforms in a Weird Al video?" the Alpha shook his head.
"Close, but those were yellow."
She grumbled, but came over and helped, eventually splitting up from him to change behind the trees on the other side. When she came back out, she saw that the Team Flare outfit from the male just barely fit onto Giovanni's large frame.
"Ready to go?" he asked her.
"Yeah, yeah. Let's get this over with," she groused unhappily.
"And loose some weight while you're at it."
"Don't sound so enthusiastic," he said sarcastically, leading the way back to the car.
She grunted.
The car started up and then he was driving away, leaving two unconscious and half-naked Flare grunts in the wayside.
In boredom, Ash turned on the radio, with the first song turning on being Haystack's Bonnie and Clyde.
Giovanni opened his mouth –
"I am not Bonnie."
Arceus just stared at the screen, and Mew finally floated up and poked him in his temple.
"Uh, Arcy?" the Normal Type just sighed.
"It would be too easy, Mew."
He closed his mouth, but he still had an annoying smirk on his face.
"We do need codenames though," he brought up a second later.
"I'll be Gary and you'll be Mary," Arceus continued in Giovanni's voice. "If anyone asks, we're siblings."
Her eye twitched and she started muttering under her breath.
"Fine," she finally acquiesced. "But I'm not going to get gunned down with you."
"Of course, my little bon-bon."
If he wasn't driving, she would be attempting to throttle him right now. Heck, she was still contemplating the merits of it anyway.
She was still contemplating it an hour later, when they finally made it all the way to this so-called secret base of Team Flare's.
"Oh, hey, it's Monk's," Mew raised an eyebrow.
"Uh, Arcy, you already did that one," Arceus nodded.
"I know."
Giovanni tutted disapprovingly. "And they call this a base," he snubbed it. "Pathetic."
Ash had to remind herself that she was with a crime boss of an illegal organization, and this wasn't a normal situation. Pikachu and Persian consoled her, with Pikachu steadfastly being as loyal as always and Persian knowing his master and feeling sympathetic of her plight.
"Hey, what are we going to do when we actually go inside? I mean, okay –we've got the uniforms and we'll be sneaking in…but then what?" she asked, not knowing what his exact plans were.
"We storm it."
"Rock Team Flare, Amadeus!" Mew exclaimed with a dopey smile. Arceus' face turned green.
"He and his biker friends would probably do a better job than these two louts..." the Alpha muttered before he started gagging.
Her eyes bugged out. "WHAT?"
"Isn't that your normal modus operandi?" he gave her a look. "That's what you usually do, right?"
"You're a crime lord! You're super smart and stuff! I thought you would have thought this through a little more and actually have a plan! The exact opposite of me," she hissed out at him.
"Dennis dumb, Dennis dee, dumb dumb dumb," Arceus and Mew harmonized.
He tossed her a wink with a saucy smirk. "Opposites attract, you know."
She blinked and then stared at him. Had he just…
"Are you…were you…Giovanni, did you just flirt with me?"
Giovanni grinned at her before leering. "Want me to park to the side so you can find out?"
(Eric Idle: Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.)
She stared a bit more before growling, "Persian, claws out."
Persian did as he was ordered, hovering close to Giovanni, who leaned away and looked at him warily.
"Traitor," Giovanni grumbled at his pokémon.
Persian just gave him a look that practically said "I'm not technically yours at the moment, remember?"
"You're in charge," Arceus said as he quickly floated out of them room. It took a second for his comment to register - Mew blinked, and then her head whipped over her shoulder - but Arceus was gone and she was still there. The New Species Pokémon sighed.
"Well, I guess I asked for this."
And Giovanni just sighed and parked off to the side, the two of them leaving the car to head to the base and take charge.
Their outfits provided perfect coverage and no one questioned their presence there.
"This is boring," Giovanni complained quietly. "It's going too easy."
"That's what we want," Ash tried to hush him, glaring hotly. "We don't want to be harassed!"
"But that's so boring. I expected battles and repartee and whatnot; things I expect that you must usually go through. Going through all this with you, I wanted the whole experience! Your experiences must've been much more exciting than this," he huffed.
"I didn't think you'd de-aged mentally as well," Ash irritably shot at him.
"Waiter!" Mew exclaimed. "Can I get some cheese with this whine?"
"Who knows?" he shrugged it off.
"Hey!" someone hollered to them. Two of the Flare grunts, all in red and hair styled, walked over to them. "Where are you two supposed to be stationed at?"
Ash started to sweat, though she enviously glanced at Giovanni's cool and calm demeanor. She glared at the two grunts, though she was glad the uniform sunglasses hid it and helped her not break her disguise.
"I'm not sure. Makeover unit or something," she said snidely, the last part under her breath.
"Thank you," the Psychic Type said as she materialized a wheel of cheese from the kitchen onto Arceus' desk.
Unfortunately, they heard her.
"Did someone say…"
"…makeover?"
"Hey," Mew chuckled through her snack. "It's Extreme Flare Makeover."
From his place in the Hall, Arceus used his powers to club her over the head with the discarded rubber Torchic.
The two of them grinned wickedly and she stared at them in horror.
Giovanni pushed her forward and they latched onto her.
"She did," he said blandly.
They began dragging her away and Ash screamed at him in fury.
"Traitor, traitor! I'll get you back for this!"
"I'll dress up as a stormtrooper if I have to!"
"Bye, Bonnie," he waved at her.
"Damn you, Clyde!"
Damned codenames.
When she found him after she finally escaped from those two's (joined soon after by a whole horde of others) clutches, she saw that he was in the process of hacking into a computer in some kind of computer room.
"You know," Mew put a paw to her chin. "I have to give the author credit for her accurate portrayal of Team Flare."
"Thanks for the distraction," he said distractedly, finishing up.
"Why you!" she stomped over to him and grabbed his collar, yanking him to face her.
"Looker's a good cop!" the New Species Pokémon yelled.
"How dare you –!"
But he just grabbed her hands and then without warning, kissed her heatedly. And though she hated to admit it, he was one hell of a kisser.
He pulled away, smirking that smug smirk of his.
"Triumph, my dear, triumph."
This time, Mew's jaw did come off at one of its hinges. She pushed it back onto her face, stifled her tears and clasped her paws together. "I'm sorry I don't show you enough respect, Arcy..."
And then he pressed a button and the computer screens all began to mess up, only two words appearing onscreen: Rocket Supreme.
"I had a Rocket Supreme once," Mew shuddered. "Too much grease."
He picked her up into his arms suddenly and then began to run.
"Come, my Bonnie! Before we get 'gunned down,' as you said."
She didn't know whether to smack him or (she would never admit this aloud) pull him into another kiss.
And as they drove away in his car, he was laughing freely and she thought that being de-aged had done wonders for him.
(Mewthree: genetics)
"This is rather exciting," he said in delight. "Your normal activities are rather a thrill to be pulled into."
"My 'normal activities' aren't normal or usual for everyone else," she said wryly.
Mew picked up a slip of paper and put on a pair of oversized readers. "Side effects of traveling around with a self-insert fangirl caricature of Ash may include swelling in the joints, instant infatuation, rash, rash decisions, cheesy dialogue, nausea, vomiting, nausea and vomiting, nausea and vomiting for people nearby, criminal activities, and sueness. Consult your doctor if Ash is right for you."
"But that makes you so much more unique and interesting," Giovanni purred, turning to her as he rubbed a knuckle down her cheek.
Her face turned hot immediately.
"Keep your hands to yourself, Casanova," but she didn't do or say anything else, and Persian and Pikachu contentedly watched their two owners in amusement.
He sighed happily. "Onto your gym and then the next base. Repeat after me, dear Ash –Rocket Today, Rocket Tomorrow, Rocket Forever!"
He gave her an expectant look and she relented after a moment, leading him to inwardly wickedly grin.
There was only room in the world for one boss, and he was going to stay on top and topple the rest, take the girl, take the world, and take out the competition.
Like a real boss.
"And that was Like a Boss," Arceus said as he practically appeared out of nowhere, face still having a slightly green hue to it. "And thank me it's over."
The Alpha looked down at Mew; she was face-down on his desk, silently sobbing. Arceus reluctantly lifted a hoof up and did his best to pat her on her diminutive back, the tips of his ears drooping a bit. "You did well."
"Goodbye cruel world... Goodbye..." she choked out, making no attempts to move. Arceus just turned back to the camera.
"As for the subject at hand, this story's flaws should quite frankly speak for themselves," the Normal Type's eyes narrowed in contemplation. "Grammatically, and stylistically even, the writing itself is actually good. The premise is interesting enough - a younger Giovanni going around and sabotaging his rivals, which would indeed make a good basis for a thriller, adventure, or even parody - and it can even be entertaining at parts."
Arceus let out a sigh and shook his head. "Unfortunately, the good ends there; execution botches most of the promise this story has. And yes, most of it involves the very reason this story was made; to ship a thinly-veiled self-insert with a young Giovanni, most likely just because the author felt it would be 'cute'."
Arceus shrugged. "Now, I could be wrong and this could simply be the 'This is Spinal Tap' of Pokémon Fanfiction, but I doubt it. And while it can be said that this is simply crack and I shouldn't take it so seriously, unfortunately the romance and character is too heavy-handed for it to truly qualify as that."
"To meet the desired end, any notions of pacing and character development - or character in general - are thrown out the window, and one of the most major facets of the entire premise itself hangs around a ridiculous noodle incident. Ash is inexplicably a cat-crazed fangirl who silently rants to herself because that is what appeals to the audience, and Giovanni is an immature flirt who is inexplicably young and head over heels for a minor because that is what pushes the plot forward. And yet, neither of these are Giovanni or Ash - simply caricatures resulting from one too many daydreams that happen to share a few base aspects with the actual characters."
The Normal Type's head sunk a bit. "What is most tragic about all this is, frankly, it's clear the author has quite a bit of talent. And much like a certain actor/film producer, is quite successful when using very little of it, if the review to chapter ratio is any indication. Ultimately, had this just been Giovanni, younger or not, the story could have worked and quite well as that - Felicity is clearly quite skilled with a pen and has an entertaining sense of humor - but the presence of a female Ash who acts nothing like Ash, for the sole purpose of being shipped with him, makes it painfully obvious its more pandering than anything else."
"Now, granted, this is only the first chapter, and there are plenty more to the story, but I have read the second chapter and do not have the strongest desire to continue any further," Arceus looked down at the unconscious Pyschic Type - who had apparently cried herself to sleep - and picked her up with his powers. "Well, with all that said, I suppose I will see all of you again after a hopefully speedy recovery."
The End
Credits:
Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
Larry King Live
Pokémon Conquest
Happy Madison
Yoshizilla-Rhedosaurus
Thick as a Brick - Jethro Tull
The Godfather Series
The Sopranos
Dexter's Laboratory
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
pokemon attack of mewtwo
Seinfeld - The Abstinence
Close But No Cigar - Weird Al
Canadian Bacon
Pokémon Sun and Moon
Monty Python - Dennis Moore
The Borgias
Gotham
Seinfeld
Dirty Harry: Sudden Impact
CSI
Mystery Science Theater: Master Ninja
The Godfather
Dog Day Afternoon
Dare To Be Stupid - Weird Al
Rock Me Amadeus - Falco
Monty Python - Nudge Nudge
Extreme Home Makeover
Star Wars Episode VII - The Force Awakens
T.J. Hooker
Pokémon Platinum
Goodbye Cruel World - Pink Floyd
This Is Spinal Tap