Mew sighed as she gazed up at the massive curtain dangling from the ceiling that was currently separating her from Arceus. She spun around, brushed off the herald uniform that Arceus had placed her in (she rolled her eyes when she first saw the giant golden wheel emblazoned on the front of the white fabric) and cleared her throat.
"Introducing his Alphaness," the Psychic type could barely restrain the desire to roll her eyes at how seriously Arceus was taking his self-appointed month (nevermind his thirtieth chapter). "Arceus."
The curtain rolled back to reveal Arceus - he floated forward and cleared his throat only to have a Trubbish fall on his head. Mew chuckled uncomfortably.
"Heh, sorry Arcy, I guess I forgot one," Mew quickly snapped her fingers and teleported the animate pile of rubbish away while the Alpha just rolled his eyes.
"Today-" he was cut off again as the Trubbish fell back onto his head. The Psychic Type whistled innocently before teleporting the Pokémon away again - this time a certain bug was the recipient. Arceus' face twisted up in a futile attempt to scowl, before he let out a non-existent sigh and returned his attention to the camera.
"We're going to continue our little delve into the anime with another Ash fic," Mew raised an eyebrow when Arceus said nothing else.
"Well?" Arceus blinked.
"Well what?"
"Aren't you going to say anything else?" the Alpha made a motion akin to shrugging.
"It's themed after Sun and Moon?" Arceus ignored the muttered comment about being rusty and turned back to the screen.
"Without any further ado, this is Golden Sun and Silver Moon."
Arceus the Critic
"Golden Sun And Silver Moon" by ChloboShoka
Golden Sun And Silver Moon
By: ChloboShoka
Entry for a contest over in Advancers. Ash and May begin their vacation in Bournemouth. Advanceshipping
"And the entrants are at the starting gate, and they're off!" Arceus shouted in his best announcer voice while Mew started waving her paws in the air behind him.
"Go ChloboShoka, Go!" the Psychic shouted as the Speed Racer theme song started playing.
Golden Sun
"Dark Dawn was the best in the series," Mew stated, arms crossed, only for Arceus to bonk her on the head with his hoof.
The golden sun promised an exciting day for Ash and May.
Something about the blinding daylight suggested that amazing things were about to happen. The journey to the beach was a long and winding road. The first step was to take the bus to the airport. Then the extensive checks and wait for the plain. The plane from Tokyo to London was over eight hours, and then there was a long train journey to Bournemouth.
"Then they had to arrive at the train station. Then they had to rent a car. Then they had to put their luggage into the trunk-"
"Boot," Mew quickly chimed in - Arceus just shot her a glare before rolling his eyes.
"Oh, ah gahp in one's boot," the Normal Type replied dramatically in received pronunciation with a roll of the eyes. "Then after putting their luggage into the boot they had to drive to the hotel. After driving to the hotel they had to check in. After checking in-"
Mew quickly pushed a button before Arceus could continue.
They had been waiting for July to arrive for a very long time. It was considered one of the hottest months of the year: the perfect month to book a holiday. It had been the first time either of them had been to the UK and May looked online to see what the best cities were, Bournemouth was the most appealing. With its fun arcades, exceptional restaurants, clean blue seas and white sandy beaches, May had decided that she wanted to go to Bournemouth.
"Hey, Arcy, who gave us this fic?" Arceus blinked and scanned over the documents on his desk.
"Let's see... The Bournemouth Advanceshipping Society," Mew blinked.
"Didn't they also produce Njorl's-"
"Hold that thought," Arceus said as he levitated a piece of paper in front of his face and cleared his throat. "Invest in Bournemouth; great opportunities and low, low prices!"
Mew facepawed.
Both Ash and May felt stressed with the long booking process. There were a lot of things to remember and a lot of budgeting and planning to do.
"They had to book the flight. Then they had to drive to the airport. Then they had to get on the plane," Mew started pulling at the fur on the top of her head as Arceus continued to drone on. From his castle, Kyurem just sneezed.
But as soon as they stepped into the wonderful sandy beach, they knew their troubles had been washed away. Ash held May's hand as he felt his toes sink into the wet sand. Sweat poured down their faces, so they used the salty water to feel clean.
Together they took deeper steps into the ocean.
"It's so cold," May shrieked as the waves devoured more inches from her body. Her arms grappled Ash's waist as her head slammed on his shoulder.
"It's perfect," Ash said, roaring with laughter as he picked May up.
"Wow!" May exclaimed as her torso burst out of the sea waves.
Mew screamed out in horror and fled behind Arceus' neck at the sight.
"It's just a flesh wound!" the Normal Type shouted, before turning his attention back to the camera. "This Monty Python reference is brought to you by Bournemouth. When thinking about your next summer vacation, think sunny Bournemouth; with its fun arcades, exceptional restaurants, clean blue seas and white sandy beaches."
With both hands in the air, her fingers twinkled towards the sky as her feet tickled Ash's stomach. "I feel like I'm flying."
"You are flying," Ash said with a slick grin on his face.
"I'm on a wire!" Arceus shouted back in May's voice with a distinctive British tint.
The waves were against them.
(George Costanza: The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli.)
May felt a strong splash against her chest that smacked her body onto the sandy floor. Ash was quick to grab her and stand her up again. Ash panted, worried that she had almost drowned. "Are you alright?" he gasped.
May giggled as she covered her face. "Yeah, I'm alright. Except... my makeup is ruined."
"I'm not worried about your makeup," Ash admitted. "You don't need it anyway. Let's go further out. I'll race ya!"
"That's so sweet," May whispered to herself.
"He's leaving me behind for the sea..." Mew muttered in a dreamy voice.
The lovebirds began to swim across the sea a bit further until they reached the red post. Ash seemed as if he was sprinting towards the ocean as May tiptoed closer until her feet began to float. At this point, May had become adjusted to the current and the ice-cold water. Her swift arm movements kept her warm as she eventually caught up with Ash.
They held hands as they swam back to the beach together.
"I must admit that I'm really hungry," Ash said out of the blue.
"Why don't we get something to eat then?" May suggested.
"I hear there's this thing called the sea that has a lot of fish," Arceus stated blankly in Ash's voice.
Ash nodded. "That's a great idea."
"What do you fancy?" May asked. "There are some lots of good Indian restaurants here. And there's a nice restaurant in one of the piers."
Ash pointed his finger to the building near the aquarium. "I hear Harry Ramsden does the best fish and chips in the world."
Arceus' eyes gained a distant, glassy look. "You went to England for the cuisine?"
May tilted her head as she grabbed onto her boyfriend's hand. "Well if you want to go and eat there, we can."
"And, now for the second part of the fic," Arceus glanced down at the other Pokémon. "Mew?"
"Uh," Mew muttered uneasily, tapping her paws together. Arceus sighed.
"You misplaced it."
"Yep!" she replied with a smile. The Normal Type just shook his head.
"Well, I'm certain I have a spare sketch lying around here somewhere..." Arceus muttered as he scanned over his bearings before his eyes ears perked up.
"Ah, here it is," Arceus' eyes flashed before he turned around and gestured for Mew to start looking for the other half.
It would have been the perfect day in Geosenge town - the sun was shining, birds were chirping, and a slight breeze kept the late-summer heat at bay - were it not for the giant crystalline weapon that had suddenly sprouted from the ground that Cyrus was currently in front of, ranting to the crowd of terrified spectators that had come to investigate the disturbance.
"Humanity is corrupt and beyond the point of redemption," the blue-haired man bellowed out. "And with this ancient weapon we shall create our new world upon the ashes of the old!"
From the midst of the crowd - which was currently in the middle of a debate as to whether or not they should mob the maniac, with the general consensus being that they should instead leave the fate of the world to a group of kids - came the national treasure of Kalos himself; Professor Augustine Sycamore. The good Professor ran a hand through the side of his hair as he finally cleared the murmuring masses - the unfortunately casualties of which were three women whose hearts stopped beating at being so close to the sight, while countless others across the nation were struck with nosebleeds - while Cyrus merely crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow.
"Hey man," Sycamore greeted with a friendly smile as he reached inside his lab coat. "You might want to eat this."
"Why?" Cyrus asked as he begrudgingly took the Snickers bar, looking down at it in disdain before deciding his rant had made him a bit peckish.
"You get a little genocidal when you're hungry," Augustine replied like it was the most obvious thing in the world as Cyrus took a bit out of the supposed snack. "Better?"
"Better," Lysander replied, the leader of Team Flare pulling out a remote control from his suit jacket and deactivating the doomsday device behind him.
Mew looked up from the stack of manila folders she was flipping through and deadpanned. "Really, Arcy? You couldn't think of anything more creative?"
"It was never meant to be a full-blown sketch to begin with," the Alpha said with a sigh, before his eyes flashed again. "Though I suppose I can come up with something else."
Sycamore then turned around and produced a bottle of shampoo as a sudden gust of wind swept through his hair. "L'Oreal Lumiose: because you're worth it."
The New Species Pokémon facepawed and held out the thumbdrive that had been stashed away in a file labeled 'Python References'.
"Regardless, now that we have the second part," Arceus started, telepathically grabbing the device. "Let us begin."
Silver Moon
The silver moon promised a spectacular night for Ash and May.
Something about the sparkling moonlight suggested that awesome things were about to happen. The journey from the hotel room to the restaurant was a slow and relaxing road. The first step was for Ash to book the table for the Indian Resturant at 8:00PM. After the table for two was booked, Ash and May stepped into one of the local Weatherspoon pubs.
"The name is Ketchum, Ash Ketchum," Arceus accent returned with a vengeance. "Now I'm in fics. Bad fics."
Mew raised an eyebrow and glanced up to him - Arceus cleared his throat and dropped the voice. "No, Mew, I'm not saying that this one is bad, but there is a certain trend with stories involving him."
It was a Saturday night and they could see people flocking around the bar.
"Excuse me," a big bulky bloke with a black suit and a fluorescent jacket on top. "Can I see some ID?"
"ID?"
"We don't need no ID," Arceus sung while Mew plucked randomly at the ukulele in her paws. "No dark sarcasm in the pub. Bouncer leave them kids alone."
Ash squinted and stared at May. "What is he talking about?"
"All right," Mew began in a poor imitation of May's voice. "I admit it; I'm an ID Addict."
Arceus just rolled his eyes.
May scurried into her handbag and got out two passports. "He wants proof that we're over eighteen. Here you go, Sir."
The bailiff took a brief look at both passports
"Gary Stu?" Arceus commented in the bouncer's voice.
and then handed them back to May. "Cheers mate, have a good night."
"Where are we going to sit?" Ash asked as saw many of the seats were occupied.
"We can sit outside," May suggested as she scurried over to the bar. The glaring sound of the television and the crowds hurt her ears.
"What can I get for you," the lady at the bar said to May.
"Feel the suspense as they order their drinks," the Normal Type said in one of his best voice-over.
"I'll have two glasses of baileys, Sex-on-the-beach cocktail and..."
Arceus lurched over and started making hacking noises while Mew turned green and pressed a nearby button.
(Eric Idle: Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.)
May requested. She turned her head behind at Ash. "Ash, what are you having?"
"Just coke for me."
"And the largest glass of coke you have please?" May asked.
"Thank you, mum," Arceus muttered in Ash's voice.
"Do you want ice in both?"
"Yes please."
The bartender quickly brought all the drinks over to May over the counter. "That will be £11.50."
"Bournemouth: cold drinks at low, low prices!" Mew pinched her nose at Arceus' comment.
May had no choice but to pay for all the drinks and meals because Ash had conveniently left his wallet in Pallet Town.
Mew blinked. "Wait... This is the real world but Pallet Town is still in it?"
Arceus shrugged. "Kanto would still be Kanto regardless of where it was, I suppose."
"Darn right," Ujiyasu shouted as he walked by. Both Arceus and Mew exchanged confused glances after the Warlord disappeared from behind the doorframe.
As Ash and May brought their drinks towards the patio outside the entrance, May quickly devoured her two glasses of baileys as Ash began sipping his coke.
Arceus blinked and then looked down sheepishly. "I can actually see May quickly downing her drinks."
"I thought you had to drink that slowly," Ash told May.
May shrugged her shoulders. "But Baileys is so good. I can't help but drink it all in one go."
May considered Baileys one of the nicest drinks of all time. It was a creamy liqueur with a very sweet and almost velvety texture. The perfect drink to have on a hot summer holiday.
"Bournemouth: best Baileys in Britain!" Mew's eye twitched and she teleported another Trubbish onto Arceus' head. The Alpha sighed and made a mental note to come up with a suitable judgment for Genesect.
She was looking forward to tonight. After eating the curry, she hoped to check out one of the nightclubs and go clubbing.
Both Ash and May felt calm in the pub. There were a lot of things to see on the balcony. Amusing crowds getting ready for hen nights and stag dos. She laughed at the three blokes dressed up as Sailor Moon. On the other side of the road, there was a group of women with red Mario hats on walking into one of the takeaways.
"They've been teleported into Super Smash Bros!" Mew exclaimed.
Ash held May's hand as he felt his feet pressed onto the balcony.
"This drink is so cold," May shrieked as she received a sharp pain in her head. "I hate brain freezes."
"I told you not to drink fast."
"You never said anything." Within a few moments... £10 worth of drink was gone. "Anyway, we've got to the restaurant soon."
"Right." Ash slurped his coke until all that was left was the ice. He didn't know what he would do if May got drunk.
The dinner was a success. Between Ash and May, they had three courses, a generous amount of bread and rice and more large drinks. They paid £75 for their food and drink: plus tip. The waiters were happy but also amazed at their big appetite.
"Bournemouth-" Arceus was cut off as Mew screamed out and brought a frying pan down on his head. He spun around and gave her a glare powerful enough to melt through Kyurem's demeanor - she just returned it twofold.
"Wow!" May exclaimed as twirled out of the Indian Resturant. With both hands in the air, her fingers twinkled towards the sky as her back tickled Ash's stomach. "I feel like I'm flying."
"I'm Lord of the Flies!" Mew exclaimed in May's voice.
"More like Lord of the Soused..." Arceus muttered.
"You're not flying," Ash said with a sigh. "You're drunk. The road was against them. May felt a sharp bang against her chest that smacked her body onto the pavement floor. Ash was quick to grab her and stand her up again. Ash panted, worried that she had injured herself. "Are you alright?" he gasped.
May giggled as she covered her face. "Yeah, I'm alright. Except... my makeup is ruined again."
"I told you this before. I'm not worried about your makeup," Ash admitted. "You don't need it anyway.
"Alcohol's the only makeup you need," Arceus commented in a sickly-sweet voice.
Let's go into one of the clubs. I'll carry ya!"
"That's so sweet," May yelled as she kissed Ash's cheek. Her breath reeked of alcohol.
The lovebirds entered one of the nightclubs and quickly became the centre of attention. In the end, Ash consumed several Jägerbombs and a whole bottle of Jack Daniels. Their mind was clear as the danced the whole night. For at least three hours, reality became a blur and they knew that they had each other to keep them safe.
3AM, Ash and May slowly marched out of the club holding hands.
"We're off to see the... hic... Wonderful Wizard... hic... of Oz!" Arceus and Mew harmonized.
"I must admit that I'm really hungry," May said out of the blue.
"Why don't we get something to eat then?" Ash suggested.
May nodded. "That's a great idea."
"What do you fancy?" Ash asked. "Most of the restaurants are closed, but there are some takeaways we can go to."
May pointed her finger to one of the kebab shops with the lights shining on the other side of the road. "I think they'll have the best kebab and chips in the world."
Ash tilted his head as he grabbed onto his girlfriend's hand. "Sounds good. Let's get something to eat."
"Some things never change," Arceus commented reservedly.
Neither the golden sun nor silver moon mentioned the epic hangover the next morning. May was the first to open her eyes. Her brown hair mixed wth Ash's raven hair. She screamed
"DINKLEBURG!" Mew shouted.
as she found their together naked bodies covered in kebab grease and cold chips. "What the hell happened last night?" May shrieked.
Ash grumbled as he slowly opened his own eyes only to be greeted with an empty tin stuck on his foot. "I have no idea."
"This is a mess!" May exclaimed. "We need to have a bath. Ow... my body hurts." May had one hand rubbing her head and the other on her back.
"Well you did fall over after drinking all that stuff in one go."
"Did I?" May raised an eyebrow. "I don't remember doing that."
"Well I didn't have anything to drink."
Arceus stared blankly at the screen, eye twitching. "You had an entire bottle of Jack Daniels!"
"You must have done," May said. "Do you remember everything from last night."
Ash shook his head. "Must have been pretty good though."
"Yeah."
"Shall we do it again?"
"We can if you want."
Arceus buried his face in his desk. "And that was Golden Sun and Silver Moon."
The Alpha Pokémon pried his face out of the wood. "Ending aside, what's my Judgement?"
His eyes glanced up at the ceiling. "All in all-"
"It's just another brick in the wall?" Arceus turned around and deadpanned in Mew's direction - she just laughed uneasily and tapped the tips of her paws together. Arceus eventually relented with a roll of the eyes and returned to the camera.
"It's not bad; it doesn't try to do much, and it accomplishes what it set out to do. You get what you came for. There's still plenty of issues - a lack of description, some character quirks that would naturally emerge when you try to project ten year olds into adults, and a seeming allergy to commas, just to name the biggest offenders - but it doesn't try to be anything more than it is, either."
Arceus made a motion akin to shrugging. "Overall, it's one of those fics that I can't really offer any opinion on. It just is."
"Well, that's that," Arceus muttered as he turned around, only to find Mew staring up at him. "Yes?"
"All that reading about food's made me a bit hungry, Arcy," the Alpha just raised an eyebrow.
"Well? What do you propose you do about it?" Mew opened her mouth only to get cut off. "And before you say it, no; I'm not ripping off Glory For Sleep again."
The Pokémon's ears dropped but then perked up again. "How about ice cream?"
Arceus blinked and looked to the side for a few seconds before returning his attention to Mew. "Very well, I suppose I can take you to get some. And perhaps we can invite Genesect."
Mew frowned. "I can't go on my own this time?"
"The last time you went to get ice cream without my supervision, Cinnabar Island exploded," Arceus retorted, eyes narrowed. Before Mew could offer a comeback, the Normal Type's eyes flashed and they were gone.
The End:
Special Thanks:
DragonNiro
TheGrunt22
Mr. Grool
The credits were suddenly cut off as three men in matching red uniforms burst into the Hall of Origin.
"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! You are... all..." Cardinal Ximenez dropped his outstretched arm when he realized he was shouting at thin air. Biggles cleared his throat uncomfortably.
"Well, nobody did expect us, apparently," Ximenez facepalmed.
Credits:
The Angry Bug Show
Speed Racer
Golden Sun: Dark Dawn
Monty Python - Flying Lessons
Monty Python - Njorl's Saga
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Seinfeld - The Marine Biologist
James Bond: Casino Royale
Mystery Science Theater 3000: Master Ninja II
Just Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 2 - Pink Floyd
Investigation Discovery
Monty Python - Nudge Nudge
Pokémon Conquest
Lord of the Flies
The Wizard of Oz
Fairly Odd Parents
Monty Python - The Spanish Inquisition