Arceus the Critic - Season Two

by Imperator Justinian

The original Keldeo the Critic ripoff is back, and he's more sarcastic than ever. He'll be reviewing all kinds of stories, from the good, the bad and the mediocre, not to mention the frequent editorial, when he's not trying to keep Mew from destroying his sanity, that is. Spinoff of Keldeo the Critic.

33. Editorial 9

Live from sunny Bournemouth, it's a very special episode of Arceus the Critic! Join us this Halloween as we review the most terrifying thing in the franchise before Alola Ash was revealed; Pokémon Super Mystery Dungeon - the game that everybody loved because it was better than Gates to Infinity, but still has holes large enough to fly a Death Star through.

Featuring the expressionally-challenged Alpha himself; Arceus, and the star of the show herself; Mew! Also guest starring Jack Storm and the Lucies performing their hit number, We Just Don't Know When To Stop, and Cyrogonal the Critic with his new stand-up routine, An Act About Nothing. All this, live from Bournemouth - now!

...

Yes, Bournemouth, with its fun arcades, exceptional restaurants, clean blue seas and white sandy beaches, think Bournemouth when thinking where to plan your next summer vacation. Bournemouth; with it's growing electronics industry and plenty of job opportunities, there's a place-

"MEW!"

The pink Legendary in question dropped the microphone in her stubby paws and instinctively ducked when Arceus' powerful voice bounced off the walls and slammed into her ears. Arceus appeared in the doorway to his study a second later, red eyes narrowed, and Mew chuckled uneasily. An uncomfortable silence followed for a few seconds, only for Arceus to shutter the deafening quiet with a silent sigh.

"Jack Storm and the Lucies?" Mew just glanced down at the floor and blushed. The Alpha just shook his head and then motioned for Mew to follow. A few seconds later both Legendaries found themselves in the great hall - Arceus had placed the table they normally used for Christmas in the center of it, and Mew took notice of the camera at the other end of the room pointed straight at it. Only one thing came to mind as Arceus floated behind the ornately-carved piece of mahogany.

"Is it time for the State of the Union Address already?" that quip earned her a roll of the eyes and a bonk on the head as the Normal Type materialized a chair for her to sit in.

"No, but it is time for a review I'm certain no one has been anticipating given it's about a year overdue, yet sorely needed," Arceus replied, before shifting his gaze to the camera. "And so, without further ado, I give you our critique of Pokémon Super Mystery Dungeon."

Arceus the Critic

Pokémon 'Redemption of the Franchise' Dungeon

---

"That was what it was marketed as, at least," Arceus said dryly. "And I'm not contending it was, either; despite the fact I'm about to tear into it like a good steak, at the end of the day Super was still a good game that redeemed the franchise from the train wreck that was Gates to Infinity."

Mew raised an eyebrow. "But wasn't it universally praised by fans?"

"Because it was the game the franchise needed, not the game it deserved," came Arceus' retort. Mew just blinked. "First, why don't we touch on the game? It's the most solid part of Super, anyhow."

"All in all," Arceus began, "There's actually not much to say here that Keldeo didn't already cover in his review; the game part of the game easily matches up to Sky - the AI is probably the best yet, other continents and the World Map were a joy to explore, Coalition made moves that you would never normally use suddenly an excellent choice, Hunger was actually grounded, Move Leveling was kept, more Pokémon can be chosen, and overall it was just a fun game."

The Alpha's eyes narrowed. "But it still had plenty of stupid decisions. Why don't we start with one of the most insulting?"

Looplets and Emeras

"Huh!?" Mew exclaimed, looking up at Arceus in confusion. "But they brought back IQ through them!"

"Exactly," Arceus nodded. "They brought back IQ through Emeras - not through IQ itself."

"That's awfully pedantic, isn't it?" the New Species Pokémon shot back, stubby arms crossed. The Normal Type shook his head.

"Not at all, especially if the implementation is infuriating," a red eye glanced down at the pink form below it. "Tell me, Mew, what was the point of IQ originally?"

"To give some variety to Pokémon? Make them feel unique and reward you as time progressed by making them a more seasoned explorer?" Arceus nodded.

"And how did Looplets work?"

"You found Emeras in dungeons, put them into a Looplet and once..." Mew blinked when she realized what the Alpha was getting at. "Oh."

"Yes; Looplets and Emeras were a poor replacement for IQ precisely because they went against what IQ was supposed to be; progression. Looplets were constrictive and Emeras were chance; both meant nothing once you finished the dungeon you were in."

"But they were more flexible than the old IQ system!" Mew chimed in. Arceus just shook his head.

"If making the IQ system more flexible and customizable than its past incarnations was the driving design decision by the attempt to reintroduce it, the solution should not have been to have an item with an arbitrary number of slots take up a slot in your bag, and then have your skills be based on whatever you could come across in a dungeon only to go away immediately afterwards, but something as simple as having IQ sets branch or be able to learn skills normally out of your particular tree by TM-like items. Otherwise it reduces it to the simple luck of the draw, which is not fun or what IQ was supposed to be; that many Emeras actually shared names with the IQ skills of old was proof enough that this was their attempt to replace them."

Red orbs returned to the red light staring back at them. "Cliché though it might be; if it isn't broken, don't fix it."

Forced Three Team Members

"Why?" Arceus deadpanned. "Was Four really that bad?"

Mew shrugged. "I guess the Connection Orb mandated it?"

The Alabaster Legendary sighed. "There was nothing forcing you to take four members in the previous games - I quite enjoyed being able explore dungeons alone."

"I always enjoyed it when you brought me along, Arcy!" The DNA soup of a Pokémon pumped a paw in the air. "Just the two of us against the world!"

The grey of Arceus' face gained a rosy hue for the briefest of seconds, only to disappear as he coughed. "Yes, well, forcing you to more or less always have three people was both annoying and disheartening to say the least. Why? What rationale was there for such a change?"

The Normal Type looked down at his fellow Legendary like she could provide an answer - all he got was a bewildered shrug. Arceus' eyes snapped back up. "And, for that matter, it's clear it wasn't something that was just forgotten; Super is a first by actually allowing you to exceed the traditional four-party member hardcap during story missions, with some having six people in your party, so it's clear it wasn't something that was restricted by the code. It just seemed to be an arbitrary restriction that was done for the sake of it. And speaking of stuff done for the sake of it..."

No Move Levelling Training

"Move Levelling; having older moves that you use a lot become more powerful and accurate over time was probably the only improvement Gates to Infinity could realistically hold over Explorers," Arceus nodded. "And it was good that they brought it back - except they left out the part where you could pay tutors to help level up moves. As Keldeo noted, would it really have been too much trouble to have Hawlucha's Slam School fill that role?"

Mew put a paw to her non-existent chin. "Well, it's not like there was as much money available for use in Super as compared to previous titles."

Arceus nodded. "And that is what brings us to our next quibble, and perhaps the biggest:"

Missions

"They're not as bad as back in Gates to Infinity - at least you can take more than one mission at a time, now - but they're still dull," The Alpha glanced to the side. "While I understand the Connection Orb mandated a change to how they functioned, the results were less than optimal; money was removed altogether as a reward with rewards being less common, Outlaw missions, despite being able to get some that resemble them, still have not made a return, and now almost all missions are predetermined by the Connection Orb."

"More or less, missions now feel like over-glorified errands - indeed, there are actually some missions that require nothing more than delivering a letter to somebody - and simply a means to an end to fill up an over-glorified Pokedex. They're not particularly rewarding, and since most of them are already predetermined, not particularly intriguing once you finish them once. In a way, it undermines the whole thematic point of the Expedition society."

Continents

"All right, hold on," Mew said, throwing out her arms. "Didn't you list the Continents and World Map as one of the good things about Super back at the beginning of the chapter?"

Arceus nodded. "Yes - the large expanse of the world and the many places to explore and unlock truly did make you feel like a first-rate explor- eh, Expedition Team."

"Then why-"

"Simple; they were poorly implemented," Mew raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

"Super was supposed to be the Mystery Dungeon game to end all Mystery Dungeon game - even the bland name implies it. To meet that end they also tried to tie all previous Mystery Dungeon games into one single world - while the reasons that is a bad idea should speak for themselves, this was one of the opportunities to actually do something good with it. Instead, however, rather than getting faithful recreations we get less than impressive remakes."

Mew just raised an eyebrow as Arceus continued. "Most of the continents happen to be in the shape of a previous Mystery Dungeon World; the similarities end there. They're all one monochrome blob of a certain environment, the settlements and dungeons bear no resemblance whatsoever to the previous games, and almost none of the inhabitants are the same or even reference anything that can remotely tie it into the previous games. And we can't even abstract that the places we know and love are out of the way because none of the terrain is the same, either. It's simply lazy."

"And, mockingly, it seems like the developers knew it," Arceus' eyes narrowed into red slits. "Take, for example, the Grass Continent; it's clearly supposed to be the Explorers' Continent. And the Continent above it is a representation of the Rescue Team World. Now, project the maps from their games onto them, and you'll find that Explorer's Northern Desert and Rescue Team's Southern Desert line up perfectly along the equator, like they used to be one continent. Perhaps it's just a coincidence, but all in all the world felt half-complete and rushed. Would bringing back most of the stuff from the previous games to actually match the continents you revived really have been more work than making everything from scratch? We could have had Xatu open boxes in Treasure Town and Rampardos in Post Town and so on - and Pokémon whose facilities were rendered obsolete could have instead filled out another role that was needed. Otherwise it just feels like the Fall of Rome, Medieval Warm Period and Great Depression all happened at once, or this is an alternate dimension that happened to suck every noteworthy character from the previous games into it."

The Alpha let out a prolonged sigh. "Now, that pretty much sums up our issues with the game itself - again, most of these are minor things that are irritating but not crippling, unlike the arbitrary one Mission at a time rule was in GTI. However, for as good as the game was, I cannot say the story holds up - and as Super is more than a year old now and the story isn't worth the effort in preserving, this upcoming half about the story will have plenty of-"

"SPOILERS!" Mew shouted out, shooting out of her chair. Arceus rolled his eyes.

"Yes, well, it will be a necessary evil in order to demonstrate how absolutely idiotic the story is in Super," the gems in Arceus' golden wheel flashed for the briefest of seconds, the Alpha's eyes following suit. "And while that may sound like an exaggeration, I am dead serious; Gates to Infinity had a better story than Super."

Mew swore she saw the camera at the other end of the room slump over slightly at Arceus' declaration. If the Legendary noticed it, he didn't say anything.

"Before we get into the really big stuff, why don't we start off with something relatively negligible?"

Arceus

"Favoritism..." the feline-like Pokémon grumbled before her ears perked up. "Wait a sec, didn't you put this as an honorable mention in your list of the best moments of Pokémon history?"

Arceus nodded. "Yes; it is - I actually do something. This is, unfortunately, also what makes it so stupid."

"Why's that? It's more than you normally do; you called upon all the Legendary Pokémon and helped coordinate their efforts with Mewtwo!"

"That's all I did, Mew. I do nothing else than float on Destiny Tower and act as an over-glorified cell phone tower."

The New Species Pokémon threw out a paw. "Pfft. C'mon Arcy, it's pretty inconsequential."

"On its own, yes, which is why I put it first," Arceus nodded. "But as we get deeper into Super, why this is such a big flaw will become more evident."

Krookodile

"His alias is Red Herring and he is armed and plot convenient," Arceus spoke into a police radio that had suddenly materialized on his desk. The Alpha then cleared his throat.

"Krookodile is introduced as the local troublemaker of Lively Town in the same vein as Team Meanies and Team Skull; the character that makes no attempt to hide the fact he's evil and will come into conflict with you very soon. There's nothing really spectacular about his character upfront, nor does he really get the development that Gengar or Skuntank got. But he does have one thing that sets him apart; it's implied he's actually a part of the threat at hand, if not outright behind it."

Arceus shrugged. "And while that's all well and good, it literally leads to nowhere. There was literally no reason given or even implied for why Krookodile was at Showdown Mountain or why he had the stone tablet Mawile found - which also proved to be completely irrelevant to the plot - nor any reason why he should have other than it would serve as a Red Herring when there was no other possible suspect to begin with. At the end of the day, Krookodile proved to be pointless to the plot other than to try to draw attention away from the actual villains - he literally contributed nothing else. And speaking of the villains;"

The 'Villains'

"Or," Arceus' face scrunched up. "As Keldeo put it; there are none."

The Alpha gave a resigned nod. "Yes, this is one of the parts where Gates to Infinity actually manages to surpass Super; Munna's gang and Kyurem were all very weak villains, but at least they were willingly evil. Nuzleaf, the Beheeyem and Yvetal are not; they are possessed by Dark Matter throughout the entire story, and much like Bittercold 2.0, have no free will of their own. And they fail even by their own standards; it is stated that Dark Matter can posses anyone with darkness in their hearts - this is a topic for later - but we never actually see why they're so bitter towards the world. At least Munna actually said they were mistreated; we don't even get that much from the people who have been your antagonists for three-fourths of the story. They're not villains, and they're not even really characters, since almost everything they do in the story they do as an extension of Dark Matter's will."

Mew shrugged. "Well, I guess you can argue that Nuzleaf was at least an accent."

Arceus just rolled his eyes.

The Pacing

"Is downright atrocious," the expressionless Legendary shook his head, and if Mew didn't know better, she would have thought the lines on his face scrunched up like he was in pain. "At least..."

The Alpha took a deep breath. "At least pokemon attack of mewtwo was consistently rushed."

Mew gaped and looked up at Arceus in utter shock, while the Legendary held back the bile building up in the back of his throat. "The first half of the story is almost completely unrelated to the plot, and only four characters introduced during it have a relevant impact on the story later, one of which is not even from Serene Village. The first ten chapters are simply about everyday life in your small village and going to school, and then afterwards you get thrust into the Expedition Society and saving the world. The transition is only a few Mystery Dungeons, and once you make it past there the only throwbacks are what eventually lead to the Luminous Water."

The paper-white Legend narrowed his eyes. "In short, the game took nearly half its story to accomplish what could have been done in half the time, tops. The grotto arc - something else that went completely unexplained, by the way, as the Litwick stated they moved in after it was sealed off - and all the development Shelmet and Pancham got? Utterly pointless, and like much everything else in the first half of the game, was time that could have better been allocated towards the second half. All that really needed to be done during your stay in Serene was Nuzleaf taking you into his home, meeting your partner and Espurr, and the introduction of Ampharos, the Expedition Society and the village checkpoint for the plot to work later on. You could remove half of the first part of the game and it would literally make no difference on the plot or any of the relevant characters - and in response to the inevitable objection, your partner's character development is perfectly capable of happening outside Serene Village."

"Honestly, they could have taken a few cues from Shadows of Almia on how to do the school part right," Arceus muttered before clearing his throat. "This impacts the rest of the story, particularly from becoming members of the Expedition Society and onwards; the egregious amount of character development lavished on Serene Village's population ultimately takes away from what could have been given to Lively Town's residents, who are ultimately more relevant to the plot as a whole. This is probably best demonstrated during an exchange in the Voidlands-"

"Kindly translated from its original Japanese naming of h-e-double hockey stick," Mew commented, while Arceus continued without skipping a beat.

"When Mawile deduces that Buneary is not in fact Buneary but one of the shape-shifting white blood cells of the Voidlands that happened to miss one of Buneary's verbal ticks as it impersonated him - except that Buneary had so few speaking roles throughout the game that no one would have any possible way of noticing it to begin with. Most of the other characters and even the plot points feel as equally rushed because of how horrible the pacing is - it is so disconnected that the second half of the game might as well as have been a horribly botched sequel to the first half. Not even GTI can boast something like that."

Expedition Society

"Perhaps no finer piece of symbolism exists for the story of Super than the Expedition Society itself; something that was built up as much as possible, and as a result was the biggest letdown possible. Even Keldeo put this at the top of his list of worst moments in Super."

Arceus cleared his throat. "As Keldeo has already gone through what a poor first impression it left, I will instead touch on every other aspect. First, it's clear that the Expedition Society was an attempt to recreate the more grounded feel of the Exploration Federation that Wigglytuff's Guild was a part of; right down to the characters and roles they fill. Except it failed miserably on that front as well; this ties in heavily to the first impression of the guild, which can be likened to getting slapped across the face with a Magikarp, as the horrible foot we start off with is more or less the only bit of development that some characters get; Swirlix and Buneary in particular, and is still the norm even after. In short; the Expedition Society is a hot mess."

Mew whistled, and Arceus felt compelled to deny his anatomy by face-hoofing, but instead carried on. "Wigglytuff's Guild had more than its fair share of comical characters and even silly moments, but it was never outright dysfunctional like what we are presented with from day one; Swirlix eating most of the larder, three-fourths of the society chasing her around town and proceed to trample innocent civilians in their path, then destroying the nexus - all in front of the new recruits, I might add - and finally you being told to wake up a narcoleptic astronomer who attacks you in his sleep (his dialogue is also the same as when you faced him back in Sky). Whether it was done for laughs or to recreate the open feeling of the guild, I don't know, but it was horrible nonetheless. Secondly, the Expedition Society doesn't carry out its stated purpose that much, unlike the Guild; whereas the quest to save the world was something of a backdrop to its stated purpose of Exploration, the Expedition Society more or less feels like a means to an end in saving the World. It doesn't really put you through any trials or non-heroic expeditions, it's just there as a backdrop to the plot of stopping Dark Matter."

"Finally, there are the characters; almost all of them try to fill in the roles of the Guild Members. Swirlix is supposed to be Chimeco, Buneary is Bidoof, Buizel and Archen are Corpish and Loudred - take your pick - Dedenne is Chatot and finally Ampharos is Wigglytuff. Jirachi is more or less Hanbei from Pokémon Conquest - even having his 'I'm a genius' catchphrase - but that's neither here nor there. The only character from the Society that doesn't fit into the mold of a character from the Guild is Mawile, who is undeniably the most developed and interesting of the bunch by a long shot; the others are either horribly underdeveloped or fail at the roles they try to establish themselves in."

"Swirlix is literally nothing other than food - even getting turned to stone with the crate of fruit she was busy eating - Buneary plays almost no role in the story except for that one moment in the Voidlands which really just reflects more on Mawile, and Archen is just bland. Buizel is the better of the pair but doesn't really do anything to make himself remarkable outside of his niche, while Dedenne fails at being Chatot."

"Arcy, you could have a stadium full of people cheering at that," Mew deadpanned. The owner of the nickname shook his head.

"Perhaps, but they tend to be the people who gauge whether or not a character is good by how likeable they are - Dedenne is perhaps more likeable than Chatot, but fails at his primary role, which more or less makes his character fall far flatter than Chatot's."

"Huh?" Arceus nodded.

"In Explorers, the Guild had a lot of colorful characters, some of which were shown not to always rub each other the right way. But it never dissolved into absolute anarchy or even mild disorder like the Expedition Society did. That was because of Chatot; in a place where you have so many personalities, you naturally will need someone to keep order and instill discipline; this was Chatot's role. He could be harsh but he was also shown to care for all the apprentices - going so far as to risking his life for them - and wasn't that fond of having to mettle out punishment when he did. His role was a necessary one; he had to manage both the Guild and the Guildmaster, and carried out his duties faithfully. It's no wonder he was so stressed all the time. Dedenne already fails at being Ampharos' second in command because Mawile more or less establishes herself as unofficially sharing that role with him. This is made worse by the fact that Dedenne acts as more of a babysitter than an advisor or subordinate to Ampharos; Chatot might have needed to get Wigglytuff his Perfect Apple on occasion, but he never needed to go so far as to provide basic direction or even remind Wigglytuff what they were doing in the first place. Dedenne also does not instill the same discipline in the rest of the Society that Chatot did with the Guild - in fact, it seems that no one does. The Guild was kept in line by the fear of God alone - but Ampharos never even seems to get mad or dole out basic punishments with misbehaving members here."

The Normal Type let out a sigh. "And hence we come to Ampharos, the Dazed-"

"Dashing," Mew corrected.

"No, Dazed," Arceus shot back. "Wanderer who was clearly an attempt to recreate Wigglytuff. In principle they're quite alike; a large, colorful, plush-looking Pokémon that are both fearsome and doting. Unfortunately, Ampharos presents us with the opposite of much of Wigglytuff's development in terms of execution; for starter's, Wigglytuff's Guild was introduced as being a famous exploration guild infamous for its rigorous training. The Expedition Society is merely introduced with its noble goals. While that's not inherently bad by any stretch, the former - by pure virtue of having his name be in the title - is building up Wigglytuff as someone imposing. That way, even when we meet Wigglytuff and realize he's not intimidating, we still know that he's not to be taken lightly. That's not present with Ampharos; when we first meet him he's bumbling about like a drunkard with apparently no idea where he's supposed to be. It is later implied that this is just an act and that he has a purpose in visiting Serene Village when he gets a message from Dedenne, but it's later verified that he has no sense of direction whatsoever."

The Alpha's eyes narrowed. "Even at his silliest, Wigglytuff was not bumbling. This was best accentuated by the fact that some of his best moments - like effortlessly crushing and traumatizing Team Skull - were on the heels of his most surreal. To make matters worse, Ampharos doesn't really have any moments where he really stands out - moments that show there's a method to his madness, like when Wigglytuff assigned you to investigate the supposedly unexplored Waterfall Cave as a test, knowing of the tricks there, and then played it off as forgetfulness. As Ampharos' bumbling is more or less disconnected from both his character and competence and even the plot, it just comes across as comedic relief, which obviously a character in Ampharos' position should not be subject to without good reason. Now, don't mistake me; Ampharos is not a bad character, he's just not good at the role he tries to fulfill in the story."

"Jirachi is good for what development he gets, but his roles are so far and few in between that it doesn't have much effect on the story when he finally comes into prominence in the final chapters. This leaves Mawile as the only really outstanding character in the Expedition Society - it's rather sad when you only have half the roster of the game you base yours on and somehow all of them still manage to be more developed than yours," Arceus took a quick glance to the side. "I blame the pacing. Moving onto the actual plot."

Harmony Scarves (And other things regarding the ancients)

"They're bad, and in part because they're not the Relic Fragment."

"C'mon Arcy, now you're starting to sound like a genwunner," Mew muttered, arms crossed.

"Understandably, but that's not why; if you'll recall, the Relic Fragment had an addendum to it; it would choose who found it, and only those who were pure of heart could enter the Hidden Land."

"So?" Arceus sighed and shook his head.

"The Harmony Scarves have no such stated restrictions, so we can safely assume there are none, and especially considering the ancients formed entire armies to fight Dark Matter, you would think they wouldn't want to be picky in who they protected. Which, of course, begs the question as to why Entei or myself didn't just forcibly remove them from you and go fight Dark Matter."

"Well, um..."

"And, for that matter, why were there only two Harmony Scarves? Outside of the Luminous Water, they were shown to be the only items capable of counteracting Dark Matter; the ancients had already tangoed with Dark Matter once, and you would think they would be smart enough to create more than two scarves and a single pool of water to supply future generations with."

"Maybe the others got lost or used up?" Arceus' eyes drifted down to Mew, and she chuckled uncomfortably underneath the glare.

"That's a poor explanation and you know it," Arceus looked back up. "In the other games, the disasters were unprecedented; a Meteor about to destroy the world, the fabric of Time and later Space themselves both eroding, and a mutated Cryogonal trying to choke everyone to death. The Ancients had millennia to prepare for the return of Dark Matter; they didn't even bother to so much as spread stories about it to warn future Pokémon. The only thing they seemed to do was formulate a very stupid plan in secret, preserve two scarfs, a single pool of water and hope for the best. And I suppose you can all guess where this is headed."

Dark Matter

"In recent news," Arceus began, looking down at a newspaper he was levitating. "Bittercold has just issued a class-action lawsuit against Dark Matter for character assassination."

"I thought you actually had to have character in order for it to be assassinated," Mew deadpanned.

"Perhaps," Arceus conceded. "But one would think Pokémon would have learned their lesson from the Bittercold; mindless manifestations of negative emotions are not good villains and not the way to go if you want a compelling plot. So what do they do? Make Bittercold 2.0!"

The Alpha rolled his eyes. "Yes, just pile on a grab bag of superpowers and change its' name to something less laughably redundant - that will make it threatening."

"No..." Arceus sighed out. "A good villain needs a good motivation, a good backstory, good dialogue - it needs to feel alive. This is why Primal Dialga, Dusknoir, the Sableye and even Darkrai were not only good villains, but actually threatening; you knew they were going to push themselves. They had real motivations, real feelings and actual reasons; your victory was not assured because they were living, breathing opponents with as much reason to stop you as you had to overcome them. Or, in Darkrai's case, sheer force of will and the knowledge that he was more than capable of carrying out what he was plotting because he had already succeeded at the start of the story. The Bittercold was about as flat as one can get - it was literally nothing more than the manifestation of a bunch of negative emotions. So, one would think that actually rebranding it and proceeding to give it a character and some actual dialogue would make it a better villain, right?"

The Alpha's eyes narrowed into slits. "Wrong. All it does is show how asinine not only a villain but a character it is."

"For starters, the dialogue you have with Dark Matter shows that it is completely and utter unnecessary as a character; it is simply trying to justify its own existence, going so far as to tell the heroes to give up, that the universe has already ordained its victory, that it will always live on and whatnot. Dark Matter states that it was created, survives and thrives on the negative emotions of everyone - that's a stupid enough premise in of itself, one that should have been discarded with GTI, and it's plan is equally stupid; uproot some mystical tree so the world will follow it straight into the sun."

Arceus' face hit the face desk. "First, gravity doesn't work like that. Yes, one can point out that time isn't kept stable by some tower in the real world either, but that takes it out of context; Temporal Tower is tied to Dialga who regulates time. It is a perfectly believable outcome given the established mythos. There is nothing saying that the Tree of Life - not to be confused with another one - in any way regulates gravity, and neither does Xerneas. A very simple change would be to say that uprooting the tree of life would have caused all life on the world to slowly die - that at least would have been believable given the mythos at hand. Secondly, the tree and the world would have been burnt to crisps long before they even got close to that giant ball of gas."

The Alpha let out a prolonged sigh. "Finally, this reveals the ultimate flaw in Dark Matter's plan; if it survives on the negative emotions of everyone, then killing everything will ultimately doom it as well. Wouldn't turning everyone into stone be enough? If it thinks its victory is already predestined, then why does it even bother to put up a fight, or was bested in the first place? If it can infect anyone with Darkness in their hearts, why doesn't it just infect everyone? At the end of the day, it's clear that Dark Matter is just trying to justify its own existence, which shows it does not have to exist at all. It also shows that it is downright suicidal, or just unbelievably shortsighted."

"Well, it is the nexus of a ton of negative emotions, Arcy - you could say it's just not logical."

"It shows exceptional planning skills in carrying out its scheme, Mew; its plan just happens to be idiotic because Dark Matter is equally idiotic as a villain - we might as well as just call it Dank Matter and get it over with," Mew tried to hide her snickering as Arceus turned back to the camera.

"And how do you defeat Dark Matter in game? Simple; your partner makes peace with their negative emotions... What!?" Arceus blinked. "So, one person making peace with their anger suddenly convinces Dark Matter - which is a nexus of everyone's negative emotions - to commit the equivalent of suicide by making it feel loved and accepted?"

Arceus broke the desk below in half with his forehead; Mew just bowed in reverence and muttered 'sensei'. "First, Fire Emblem Radiant Dawn already demonstrated how to do this properly, and this is not the way. Secondly, you couldn't ask for a more heavy-handed and inelegant delivery of the story's moral if you tried."

The Alpha Pokémon shook the dust and splinters off his face, and did his best to ignore the incoming headache. "I... I'm not going to elucidate on this point any more. Dark Matter was simply a worse villain than Bittercold by actually demonstrating how pointless it was through its own logic, and why these manifestation type villains are simply not effective. Frankly, I would have made a better villain. But the worst has yet to come;"

Your partner being...

"ME!" Mew shouted cheerfully, jumping out of her seat.

"Yes, to end the story the writers decided on one final plot twist; your partner was the reincarnation of the ancient Mew who led and organized the army that defeated Dark Matter the first time."

"What a twist!" Mew exclaimed in her best imitation of a certain director.

"It certainly could give Shyamalan a run for his money, from how inexplicable it is, to the fact it makes the plot pointlessly confusing, and right down to how unnecessary it is," Arceus said with a small nod. "This is a completely and utterly pointless plot twist; take it away, and it literally changes nothing about the plot, the backstory, or your partner's character. It feels like it was only added in in an attempt to give an earth-shattering plot twist since the game had yet to have one, and so Chunsoft could say they did something different this time; 'Hey! It's not you that has to go away, this time it's your partner!'."

Mew crossed her arms. "Except it was explained that I wanted to wipe away my memories so I could eventually figure out how to permanently defeat Dark Matter instead of just using the same methods - even dragging someone in from the Human World had failed!"

"And to remedy that, you planned to completely wipe away your memory - because clearly there was nothing useful for fighting against Dark Matter in there, let alone that being what prevented you from using something as basic as the Scientific Method - took a gamble that you would be reborn when Bittercold 2.0 was making its return, and decided to offer up the world and everyone in it as bait to draw it back out, which is more or less the equivalent of trying to put out a fire by dousing it with gasoline."

Mew had crossed her arms and slowly began to sink deeper into her chair at Arceus' lengthy retort, before finally throwing her paws up in the air when he was finished. "Look, I'm not a good general, alright!"

"Which is why I always beat you whenever we play Conquest," came Arceus' droll reply. Mew shot him a glare.

"No, it's because you always bring yourself out on the field."

"Well, Conquest was the only game to properly represent my prowess," Arceus said, voice becoming a little lighter. Mew tugged at the fur on the top of her head.

"PROPERLY!? You can put both Mega Raquaza and the Porygon-Z in Temporal Tower to shame!" the New Species Pokémon then sank back into her chair.

"Anyways, whoever thought putting me in charge of an army was a good idea was the real idiot..." sapphire orbs slowly glanced up at the pillar of marble and gold towering above her. "And where were you during the backstory, by the way?"

"I was busy doing what I am usually occupied with," the Alpha replied quickly.

"Nothing?"

"Yes," Arceus' attention returned to the camera. "Anyways, the needlessness of such a plot twist is perhaps best demonstrated by that; remove it, and Mew simply remains a character in ancient texts who valiantly led the world against Dark Matter the first time, but seemed a little short-sighted in not better preparing future generations for it. Have Mew turn out to be your partner and the lack of preparation a conscious act, and it instead turns Mew into a complete ignoramus when it comes to strategy - but it doesn't change anything else in the plot, other than Mew being the one to have to fade into the light instead of you... for some reason. And it still doesn't change the fact that you don't belong in the world, and that's never addressed."

The Alpha finally shook his head. "And that finally does it for our critique. Many of these issues are annoying but minor. Some are crippling, especially to a series that has become more famous for its story and characters than its gameplay. Ultimately, when put together with GTI, I'm going to call Super the 'Prequel' to Rescue Team and Explorer's 'Original'; much like said movies, they're flashier and more aesthetically appealing, but lack much of the spirit of the older installments of the franchise. Inversely, they're still enjoyable if you're willing to overlook some rather large issues."

Arceus cleared his throat. "Anyhow, this review's dragged on long enough, I have a costume party to get to and my throat is sore. Good day."

And with that, Arceus floated out from behind the ruins of his once-stately dinning table, Mew close behind.

---

A few minutes later...

"C'mon..." Mew muttered, looking down at an invisible watch as she floated outside the door to Arceus' chambers. "How long does it take for him to drape something over himself? It's not like there's much else he can wear..."

The thought that the door would open and she would find herself looking back at a mask of herself covering Arceus' face crossed her mind, but Mew dismissed the notion. She knew him well enough that he would probably have a costume that required some variant of a bedsheet.

Though the New Species Pokémon did find it odd that he was taking so long - the annual Deity Costume party in the Super Smash Bros dimension (in which this year they had extended the invitations as being 'you plus one') was not something that Arceus, when he didn't bother to make up an excuse to avoid going, was keen to be late to. She had even thrown her Dark Magician Girl costume on relatively quickly - the Legendary tried not to dwell too much on the fact that there was even a toddler size available for such a costume, and instead stuck to wondering if the beach-blonde wig clashed with her fur.

A handful more seconds passed, and Mew nearly reached out and opened the door to yell for Arceus to hurry up before she realized what he was likely up too - the desire to facepalm was too strong for her to fully appreciate the irony. Instead, she turned away from the door, and began counting down in her head.

3... 2... 1...

The wall behind her exploded in a hail of dust and bricks (none of which, she noted absentmindedly, got anywhere close to hitting her) as Arceus barreled out of his chambers.

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" he declared, mentally blowing off the dust and debris that had gathered on the crimson sheet he had draped over himself. Mew just turned towards the wall, straightening her conical hat before it could fall over.

"And you thought he was going to put that reference in the last section," Arceus coughed uncomfortably and adjusted the brim of his equally-red hat.

"Yes, well, I believe we have a few more walls to break before we'll be able to reach the party," the Alpha commented sheepishly before quickly vanishing in a burst of light.