"You're leaving me?"
"Yes."
"In charge?"
"Yes."
There was a moment of dead silence before Mew coughed.
"Are you feeling okay, Arcy? The sun hasn't been getting to you too much, has it?"
The Alpha's only response to the comment was to narrow his eyes and mentally hoist up his litter bag.
"No Mew, I am perfectly well and have full volition over my faculties," Arceus turned to face the door. "It's only that the last time I got someone to keep an eye on you, you nearly gave Genesect a nervous breakdown."
The Psychic Type crossed her arms and leered. "Hey, it's not my fault that Kyurem said there was a Black Rayquaza on the loose!"
"So your solution was to try to take the Hall of Origin and push it somewhere else?"
"It was harmless enough..." the glare she got from the Alpha suggested he thought otherwise.
"And when that wasn't enough, the two of you decided to take the Hall of Origin and eat it?" Mew's only reply was tapping her paws together nervously. Arceus only sighed. "Yes, well, I'll be back after a few hours of people telling me I missed a spot. Please try to restrain yourself."
Even after Arceus had teleported away, Mew found herself staring ahead blankly for a few seconds. The Psychic finally broke free of her daze with a weary sigh and turned towards the Alpha's study.
"Well, it's almost the end of the month and Arcy still hasn't put anything out. Guess I can make it up to him that way," she muttered, scratching the back of her head as she floated into the room. "But I don't think he'd want me to review any of the stories he has planned, and it's not like an editorial's up my alley..."
By this point she had seated herself in the only chair in the room - a nice, hand-carved, rolling chair that Arceus had gotten for her a few Christmas' ago - and rolled it over to Arceus' desk, looking for anything that could give her an idea. Catching the microphone in all it's dusty, cobweb ridden glory out of the corner of her eye certainly worked.
"Well..." she began, the apprehension in her voice melting away as she used Psychic to pull the stout-looking object into her grip. "It literally has been years since the last one... And with Ultra just around the corner..."
A few seconds later Arceus' computer was powered up and the microphone was plugged back in. Mew leaned in and cleared her throat.
The following trailer is rated 'S', for Satire.
5...
4...
3...
2...
1...
From the game company that mercilessly cashes in on your nostalgia whenever a new generation rolls around, comes the latest installment in the second most popular Nintendo franchise:
Pokémon: Sun & Moon
Discover the Alola region, which is still a more original name than Kanto, which, coincidentally, your character's family just happens to have moved from. Meet and interact with the locals, who use so much slang it makes Adventure Time's dialogue look well-written and erudite. Enjoy all the new one-off gimmicks that GameFreak's filled this region with: like a plodding tutorial island, chores instead of Gyms, an alternative to Mega Evolution that's even more generic, not ever needing to use HMs again, being able to just pick berries off the ground instead of growing them, even sillier designs to old Pokémon - all of who are coincidentally Kanto Pokémon - instead of making new Pokémon or deepening the battle mechanics, and Pokémon now being impossible to catch because they keep calling in allies.
Meet your friends, who will be accompanying you across your Island Challenge; Hau, a kid who can outeat Kirby and Pit combined. Gladion, who has a design so edgy it cuts itself. Professor Kukui, who is everyone's uncle-cousin and lets himself into their houses, no messy knocking required. And if you thought Pokémon couldn't get more ship-happy after ORAS, then you haven't met Lillie yet. Together you'll travel across the four islands of Alola, doing whatever dare the Trial Captains want you to do before they'll hand over their stones. Along the way you can enjoy all the unique luxuries that Alola has to offer, such as:
Being able to sleep in everyone's bed and smell them despite not being able to sit in chairs like in the previous Gen.
Buying overpriced coffee and donuts.
Beating a bunch of down-on-their-luck hooligans that the police always seem to ignore.
Taking photos and posting them social media.
Buying overpriced clothes.
Cheap jump scares.
And so much more!
Then after going through the motions of the universally praised story where one of your friends ends up leaving for Kanto, enjoy the postgame where you're conscripted by Interpol to BURN THE GENWUNNER, KILL THE BUZZ AND PURGE THE ULTRA BEAST. After you've done that and caught all the Guardians, you can challenge the Pokémon League you're the Champion of again just to face the challengers coming after your title. And when that gets old, you can head off to the Battle Tree, which is headed by two famous trainers from Kanto. And when you've done all of that, you can shelf your copy of Sun and Moon until it's time to trade it in to help pay off Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon since there's nothing else to do.
Starring:
You Can Finally Take Off That Stupid Hat
"..."
Alohau
"All right, I'm about to eat every malasada in the shop!"
The Kukui Professor
"My body is ready!"
Eat Your Hearts Out Amourshippers
"Into the bag, Nebby."
Get In The Tub!
"Pew!"
Press A To Pound
"Turn it to goo!"
WE ARE LEGION
"Hmm. How unfortunate. It wasn't a strapping young swimmer after all..."
EXTRA THICC
"Dooot doo doo, just a kahuna on a stroll to the laguna."
Soul Silver
"Get out."
Lady Gaga
"What do you do with a Pokémon you can't use? You remove it from your party, as you please."
Team Plasma
"E-enough! I will show you the true power of Branch Chief Faba! The man who is called Aether Paradise's last line of defense!"
It's Your Boy, Guzma!
"Y'all are stupid!"
The Darwin Awards
"I'll do anything if you pay me for it. Like, let's see... Wanna see me get hit with Hyper Beam?"
Sinnoh Remakes Confirmed
"You've gotta recommend a move for me!"
All Grown Up
"We wish for you, the Champion of Alola, to lend us your assistance."
Cuerim Cannon
"My name is Colress."
Fanbait
"... ... ..."
And Gary Mother-
"MEEEEEEWWWWW!"
Oak
"Look, I'm a trainer."
Pokémon: Fun in the Sun & Memes
Out already, so you might as well just wait for Ultra.
A/N:
Just for the record, I'd like to say that both Kylo Ren and Owain Needs No Aid! were on the table for Gladion.
Anyways, I haven't put out anything this or last month and I've been wanting to do another Honest Trailer as well as talk about Sun and Moon for a while now - I figured with Ultra around the corner, this'd be an ideal way to do all of that. Personally, I think Sun and Moon were good, but immensely overrated (especially in how everyone seems to forget that prior generations did stuff too) - I can go over the minutia if there's a demand for it at some later date.
Kyurem grumbled as he stormed out of the hall, doing his best to cross his stubby arms as the stone underneath cracked with his every step.
"First Arceus interrupts my shows to get me to announce yet another collab, and then he doesn't even have the decency to show up for it. Guess I'll just have to give him what-for when he gets around to it."