It was a snowy day in the Hall of Origin.
Mew wasn't entirely sure how it was meteorologically possible, but she chocked it up to the rainclouds that Arceus had conjured over himself for the express purpose of following him around finally freezing over. She waddled her way through the few inches of snow that had begun piling up in the Hall, tail wrapped around her body like a scarf, intent on finally breaking the year-long doldrum that the Alpha had found himself in.
She stood in front of the doors to his chambers and, taking a paw she had long ago lost all feeling in, pounded it against the brass. The echo pounded against her skull.
"Is there anybody out there?" Arceus' voice groaned from within the still-sealed doors.
"Is there anybody in there?" Mew shouted back, teeth nearly grinding.
"I've got a strong urge to fly… but I've got nowhere to fly to…"
The last of Mew's patience snapped.
"NO SINGING!" the doors flew off their hinges with a well-placed Hammer Arm and crashed somewhere in the vast chamber that Arceus called his. Said Legendary Pokemon pried himself off his Kyurem dakimakura to leer at the intrusive being.
"Arcy, this has gone on long enough! You haven't reviewed anything in a year!" the pink Pokemon shouted. The Alpha's eyes narrowed in anger, but he remained motionless. "Kyurem retired! It's time to move on – if you don't we're going to turn into the Hallmark Channel!"
The Alpha let out a weary sigh.
"I suppose there is some valid-" his comment was cut off by a loud knock echoing off the hallways and into his room. Mew spun around, bug-eyed and gripping the top of her skull.
"OH WHAT NOW!?"
She sped back into the great hall faster than Sonichu on Benadryl™, and swung the heavy front door aside with a shot of frustration-fueled Psychic.
"What do yo-"
She found the words dying in her mouth at who she was staring down. Kyurem opened his mouth in indignation, only to peer past her momentarily. The anger in his face evaporated as well as it could.
"Arceus went through the trouble of turning the Hall into a snowglobe just for me?"
Mew gaped, spared a glance between the winter hellscape she had been enduring, and then back at the Krampus knockoff who was standing at her front door.
"Yep!" she beamed with a winning smile.
"What a stand-up guy," Kyurem nodded thoughtfully as he lumbered into the Hall and made himself at home. "Anyways, Mew, while I'm always happy to partake in your free food, why'd you call me up here?"
"Oh, just for a little surprise review I planned for him," the psychic cat giggled deviously, prompting an eyebrow raise from the Boundary Pokémon.
"And you presumably didn't inform Arceus about this?"
"Nope!" was the happily innocent answer. Kyurem raised a claw to point out the grave mistake Mew had made in trying to spring a Christmas surprise on a deity, but he was promptly interrupted by the legendary grabbing said finger and attempting to lead the Ice type into a nearby dining area. "But what's a good review without a pre-critique luncheon?" failing to move the quarter-ton Pokémon, Mew let go of Kyurem and floated off into the dining room, leaving her guest to sigh and follow.
"Wait right there!" Mew held up her paws for Kyurem to stand at the table before racing over to the adjoining kitchen. Upon entering, however, Mew was greeted by a beeping, malfunctioning microwave, the pasta inside burnt to a crisp, much to her horror. "Oh egads, my spaghetti is ruined!" Mew despaired before promptly doing a one-eighty in personality as an idea hit her. "But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking?" a mischievous smirk slowly spread on the Psychic type's face. "Oh ho ho ho... delightfully devilish, Mew!" She congratulated herself. With a snap of her fingers, a portal to the famous Cianwood City Sizzler appeared, and Mew prepared to hop through.
"Mew!" the cat practically jumped through the ceiling as Kyurem abruptly entered and barked her name, tired of waiting for so long. He found Mew with one leg draped through a portal that crossed time and space, looking quite nervous.
"Kyurem, I was just, uh..." having already ruined the fancy brunch she had spent so long preparing, Arceus's sidekick refused to be caught trying to buy a cheap dollar menu meal. "…Stretching my calves on this interdimensional portal! Isometric exercise! Care to join me?" Unfortunately, Kyurem was too busy looking somewhere else to respond to her foolishness.
"Why is there tomato sauce coming out of your microwave, Mew?" the legendary nodded at the broken microwave, which now had burnt tomato paste oozing through the door.
"Uhh... No! It's not sauce! It's jam. Jam from the Old Gateau we're having," Mew thought fast and made the excuse. To emphasize, she rubbed her stomach hungrily and smiled sweetly. "Mmm... Old Gateau!" Against all odds, she had thrown Kyurem off the scent. The retired reviewer only narrowed his eyes suspiciously at Mew's story, but then returned to the dining room.
"Phew!" Mew wiped the sweat off her brow in relief and continued through the portal. From there, she tip-toed over to the Sizzler and bought a family meal of Slowpoke tails, Exeggcute seeds and Shuckle Brand Berry Juice.
A few minutes later, and Mew had returned to the dining room with the platter of food and drink. "Kyurem, I hope you're ready for thirst-quenching Berry Juice!" she announced happily. Immediately, the guest shot her a dubious glance.
"I thought we were having Old Gateau," Mew's face paled.
"D'oh, no! I said Old Chateau!" she corrected herself unconvincingly. "That's what I call Berry Juice!"
"You call Berry Juice 'Old Chateau?'" Kyurem questioned, raising an eyebrow once more.
"Yes!" his host insisted. "It's a regional dialect."
"Uh-huh..." Kyurem processed this new information, tapping his claws together contemplatively. "What region?" he asked.
"Uhh..." Mew's eyes darted around the room, falling deeper and deeper into the lie. "Upstate Unova?"
"Really?" Kyurem continued to question, unconvinced. "Well I'm from Lacunosa, and I've never heard anybody use the phrase 'Old Chateau,'" Mew frantically responded with a high-pitched, borderline-hysterical laugh.
"Oh, not in Lacunosa, no. It's a Nuvema expression."
"I see," finally the Boundary Pokémon stopped the interrogation, preferring to fill his stomach instead. The Psychic type across from him gave a small sigh and sat down to join him. After a few minutes, the familiar taste of Slowpoke tail and Shuckle secretion spurred the Ice type to conversation once more.
"You know, this Berry Juice is quite similar to the ones they have in Cianwood," Kyurem pointed out to Mew. Trying to stay calm, she played it off with a cool laugh.
"Oh ho ho ho... No, patented Mew berries. Old family recipe," the New Species Pokémon gave a knowing wink, and was given a deadpan look by Kyurem in return.
"For Old Chateau?"
"Yes."
"Yes, and you call it 'Old Chateau,'" Kyurem did air quotes around the name Mew had made up a minute beforehand, "despite the fact that it's obviously non-alcoholic," At this, Mew's telekinetic brain shut down, dropping the levitating glasses onto the table. She could only gaze blankly at Kyurem's detective work, a strained smile frozen on her face.
"..." she tried to think of a way out of her lies. "Ye- ...Hey- ...You know- ...One thing I should- ..."
"..."
"...Excuse me for one second," Mew finally sputtered, to which Kyurem nodded politely.
"Of course," his host immediately blasted off back into the kitchen to collect her wits. After a few deep breaths, she deduced that the only way out of her tall tales was to end this ridiculous luncheon and get on with what the readers were actually waiting for. Who thought this was a good idea, anyways? After another few seconds, Mew floated back into the dining room and pretended to stretch lazily.
"Oooh, Well, that was wonderful," she said to a waiting Kyurem. "A good time was had by all, I'm ready to review," ignoring the strange behavior of Arceus's pet, Kyurem agreed that it was time to get onto this surprise review.
"Yes, I should be-" Kyurem's eyes suddenly widened as he pointed at the kitchen door behind Mew. "Good lord, what is happening in there?!" Mew whipped her head around and found a wave of black smoke seeping out of the crack under the door. She had forgotten to unplug that microwave. Realizing that the jig was up, the Psychic type merely tried one final excuse, saying the first thing that came to mind.
"Aurora Beam?"
"Uh- Aurora Beam?!" Kyurem roared incredulously. "In this kind of generation, in this competitive format, with your kind of typing, localized entirely within your Hall?!" the legendary towered over Mew furiously, eyes glowing. She could only turn her cheeks up in a cheeky grin.
"Yes!" Kyurem's eye twitched. Then he lowered himself back to Mew's level.
"May I see you use it?" the cat thought about it for a second before shaking her head.
"No."
"Mew, the microwave's on fire!" came the panicked voice of the Alpha Pokémon, to which Mew only shook her head and chuckled.
"No, Arceus; it's just my new TM!" she and Kyurem headed back to the main hall. From there, her guest went to thank her for the meal.
"Well, Mew, you are an odd Pokemon," Kyurem began, then gave an approving smile, "but I must say... You antīquitāte a good Chateau," Mew couldn't help but return it, not only for apparently earning Kyurem the Critic's respect, but also for getting away with that trainwreck of a luncheon.
"Help! HELP!" Arceus cried while Kyurem left for the main library, oblivious to all that had just happened. Mew waved goodbye and watched him go while the sound of a fire extinguisher could be heard from the kitchen. Finally, a soot-covered Arceus limped out of the room, dragging a thoroughly charred coffin with a placard reading Glory for Sleep behind him.
"Why is everything on fire?! You could've burnt the Hall down! I pay good money for an IP and the first thing you do with it is go full Frederick!" Arceus shouted imperiously, telepathically holding up the sarcophagus before letting out a copyrighted yip. "You best explain what you think you're doing, or- hm?"
The Alpha's wrath was momentarily diverted by Kyurem stomping out of the library, clutching a copy of Ben Drowned that had an image of The Adoring Fan plastered over the cover.
"You have violated the law for the last time, criminal scum," the Boundary Pokémon seethed as he charged up an Ice Beam, before letting it harmlessly fade out of the ether as he saw the elusive Alpha hovering behind her.
"Hello there," Arceus said, bewilderedly.
"Merry Christmas, Arcy!" Mew said before either of the Legendary Pokémon could recover. "I got you Kyurem!"
The Alpha blinked, followed by Kyurem. "Got?"
"Yeah, Mail Order Legendaries aren't cheap," the New Species Pokémon said cheerily. The Ice Dragon growled while Arceus just shook his head and turned to face the enraged Spirit of Christmas days of future past.
"I take it you've been roped by Mew into trying to get me to review?"
"It's a Christmas tradition," the Boundary Pokémon replied, shooting an icy glare at the pink legendary floating next to the column of white and gold. Arceus just nodded.
"Well, you've already gone through the trouble of coming here - what would you like to review?"
Kyurem opened his mouth, and out came Mew's voice.
"Don't worry about that - I got everything planned out!" she squeaked. Before either could object they were swept up in a large blast of light.
When Kyurem opened his eyes, he found himself, Arceus and Mew were outside the familiarly nondescript large movie theater, with a whimsical number playing in the background. The giant Ice Dragon, well aware that the theater had garnered a reputation for being haunted after two of his showings, just looked up to see what was playing.
At The Reviews
With Kyurem the (out of retirement) Critic and Arceus the Critic
Arceus' eyes narrowed at the sign and, while Kyurem stomped into the building, used his reality warping powers to 'correct' the sign.
At The Reviews
With Arceus the Critic and Cuerim the (definitely retired) Critic
Arceus then followed Kyurem into the abandoned theater, resisting the urge to reel back at the scent of dust and stale popcorn, before following Kyurem into the familiar showing room. Mew busied herself with reaching through the shattered vending machine for a candy bar before joining them. Kyurem had already made himself comfortable, sipping on a cup of coffee that he had quite literally frozen, while the Alpha spent a good half-second getting the projector up and running again.
The projector screen flickered to life, with the Star Wars theme booming across the theater as it accompanied the opening scroll.
A not-so long time ago, in a fandom far, far away...
At the Reviews:
Episode IV (of I): The Last Review
"So," Kyurem yawned, "what fic is on the menu tonight?"
"I haven't the faintest idea," came the reply from an equally clueless Arceus, "it was Mew who set this review up, after all," the Psychic type sitting between them gave a confident thumbs up, causing a chill of immortal terror to go through both legendaries' spines.
"Oh, fantastic," Kyurem groaned as the film counted down in front of them. "This should go swimmingly."
The two watched as the screen turned dark and a sweeping orchestral score filled the theater. Both Critics' eyes widened in surprise as a title, accompanied by the soulful singing of Cynthia Harrell, faded onto the screen.
A Hideo Kojima Film
"Hey, now there's a good sign," Kyurem commented while Arceus nodded in agreement. The film had already caught their interest, and they watched attentively as more staff credits rolled onto the picture.
Directed by Hideo Kojima
Written by Hideo Kojima
Special Effects by Hideo Kojima
"Promising, promising," Arceus seemed very hopeful that the day wouldn't be a complete loss.
Starring: Hideo Kojima
Executive Producer: Hideo Kojima
"I'm thinking we've got a personal story on our hands here," Kyurem muttered.
Best Boy: Hideo Kojima
Hideo Kojima: Hideo Kojima
"Wow, your sidekick has really outdone herself!"
"Indeed," Arceus leaned back in midair to enjoy the show while Kyurem tapped his claws excitedly, eager to get on with the main event. Expectations high, the two watched as the music hit its climax.
And now, Konami presents your feature presentation: Metal Gear Surviv-
The movie suddenly cut off, causing Arceus and Kyurem to blink in confusion, only to be replaced by a stand-in picture, reading, "One moment please while the operator changes reels." The two simultaneously looked at each other for answers before turning their heads downwards, only to find the seat between them suspiciously empty. Both critics turned around in their seats to find Mew struggling to replace the film reel with a completely different one.
"Sorry about that, fellas! It does that sometimes," she apologized cheerfully, trying to fit the tape in the barely-functioning camera. Arceus squinted to see exactly what Mew was replacing the movie with. He immediately recognized the reel, and the mistake the feline was about to make.
"Wait, Mew! Please, don't put that-" the Alpha Pokémon's pleas went unheard as Mew successfully clicked the film in and turned the projector back on, causing the title to appear again on the screen.
Arceus the Critic – Season One
By: Imperator Justinian
"MEWWWWWWWWW!"
The ruins of the Hall of Origin are incredibly dark, but a silhouette of Arceus can still be made out in the midst of the darkness.
"Back when you had to salvage your set pieces from Keldeo's dumpster," Kyurem quipped, causing Arceus to sink a few inches lower.
"Grovel in terror mortals!" a voice cried out presumably from Arceus, though it sounded a bit to high pitched to be his. "For I, the great and powerful-"
"MEW!" another voice shouted.
"Geez, you didn't even have a voice changer back then? What budget were you running on?"
"coin hadn't taken off yet," Arceus muttered, the tips on his head about as low as his self-esteem.
Light suddenly floods the area, revealing the Arceus to be nothing more than a dummy made out of rubble and Mew floating in front of it. The real Arceus then hovered over to Mew and started staring her down.
"Get a load of that formatting! Imagine being dumb enough to write an entire review out like that!" Kyurem laughed with a complete lack of self-consciousness.
"Yeah, imagine being dumb enough to rip off a snowflake!"
"Hey, don't go hating on my boy Cryogonal! Cryogonal the Critic was supposed to provide the reader with a sense of pride and accomplishment."
"What are you talking about? He's a Chinese knockoff of me!" the Psychic Type shouted with no small amount of indignation.
"Untrue. Cryogonal's a completely original character with his own personality and goals!"
"Oh yeah? In what ways?" Mew chirped, stubby arms crossed and eyebrow raised.
"Well you see, he's a funnier character than we've had before-" the Original One cut off the two with a loud hiss as the chromatic reflection of himself continued to drone on.
"Before I begin though, I would like to apologize to FuneralBell for not putting in the period in your pen name (between the Funeral and Bell). For some odd reason whenever I do insert the period and save Fanfiction deletes the entire name."
"The more things change, the more they stay the same. Don't you agree, ArceusdotCritic?"
"Can it," the Alpha hissed before turning back to the screen. "At least I won't be the only one to taking punches here."
And as if on cue, the screen started flickering. Both Legendary Pokemon looked back at Mew – Arceus, in relief, Kyurem in anger. She just shrugged.
"Sorry. This has been stowed away in Arcy's vault for so long the film must've degraded."
"Well, that's tha-"
I don't always create planets. But when I do, I am completely inexperienced and liable to create an utter mess. Stay reckless, my friends.
"Hey, we're back in business! And it conveniently cut to the most mockable part of the review, too!" Kyurem's lifeless eyes turned to his co-reviewer. "That joke has aged like milk, Arceus."
"Like your review of The Legend of Pichu, Pokeflute of Time?"
Kyurem coughed uncomfortably, but whatever triumph Arceus felt was cut short when the projector squeaked to another non-sequitur.
Anyway, after I create water
"And a bit too much of it, if you ask me," the Boundary Pokemon said, followed by Mew performing a rimshot on some leftover cups.
Arceus panicked, Dialga was just giggling childishly, his eyes searching for the disappearing infant.
Well that was quick. They just hatched and I already lost track of one of them.
"Arceus the deadbeat dad!" Mew chirped.
"Mew, you might want to ix-nay on the dad jokes" Arceus growled, sparing Kyurem a glance out of the corner of his eyes.
"Good ole dad, left to get the bacon five hundred years ago, still searching today," the Boundary Pokémon said in the closest thing to a sing-song voice he could muster.
Let me break this scene down. Now pay attention, this is very complicated. The Creation Trio get into a fight, I come on the scene and prove how pathetic I am as a parent, Palkia bails Dialga out, and they all decide to take a nap before killing each other.
"I hope you gave this fanfiction an A for accuracy. It's like I'm watching your Thanksgiving get-together all over again," Kyurem said, followed by an audible sip of his iced coffee.
They're tearing each other to shreds.
(Tommy Wiseau: You're tearing me apart, Lisa!)
Once again I prove that I am completely ineffectual at controlling my children despite having easily bested Giratina not to long ago. So once I banish Palkia and Dialga, I toss aside the Adamant and Lustrous Orbs and create the last three plates before taking a look at the world one last time.
"Look on the bright side: Arcy's still a better father than Ash's," Mew said with a self-congratulatory chuckle before the next skip in film.
And with that melancholy note, this story is over. So what is my Judgement on it? It's good. While most of my complaints were against myself, mainly my incompetence when it came to creating the world and handling my sons, it was necessary to create the conflict and character, as well as explaining why I went into hibernation. Likewise the extent of my power and role in the Pokemon World varies per author, so I applaud the author for keeping me in character (even if that character was a weaker, indecisive version of me).
"And on that melancholy note, this first chapter is over," Kyurem uttered. "You see, it's like poetry: everything has to rhyme."
"So, Arcy," Mew said cautiously from behind the projector. "What's your Judgement on it?"
"Cinematic suicide," Arceus said under his breath before straightening his neck into something resembling a proper posture. "And speaking of suicide, I have a strong desire to leave this theater in the most timely fashion avail-"
"Oh no you don't!" Mew exclaimed, teleporting herself from behind the projector and uncomfortably close to Arceus' face. "After spending four years moping about how you're a ripoff and the only one left, it's time to take a good, hard look back on how far you've come!"
"And to accomplish that you destroy what little self-respect I have left?"
"Yep!" Mew chirped happily, floating back and giving Arceus a gainful amount of unusable breathing space. "Besides, Kyurem's here to laugh with-"
"At…" the Boundary Pokemon coughed.
"You, so don't sweat it too much," Mew concluded her speech by teleporting back to the projector and unpausing it.
Chapter 3: Comedic Scene 1
"Relatively speaking, of course," Kyurem said through another sip.
Mew floated through what was a hallway, though due to a lack of walls it could be considered nothing more than an extension to the wreckage of the Grand Hall, when she heard Arceus' voice coming from the wreckage of the room that hosted his computer. Come to think of it he had been on that computer a lot recently, though that might be contributed to the fact it was one of the only things that survived the explosion.
"That reminds me," Kyurem said with a blink, before his eyes narrowed. "How did the Hall end up exploding? You've taken longer to come up with an explanation than I do to post a review."
Arceus' face hardened at the memory but then softened at the opportunity for momentary deflection.
"Yes; Mew – how did the Hall get initially destroyed?" he asked, craning his neck to make eye contact. Kyurem followed, and the glares of both Legendary critics gave me cause to gulp.
"Well, funny story about that…"
"Please, do share," the Alpha replied, with a hint of vindictiveness. "It can help to demonstrate how far you have come."
Mew chuckled nervously, but decided it would be better to give an answer to a question even the author hadn't asked himself than further delay.
"It all started back in Mewtwo's cave. I was teaching him out to use his powers and being brave. Well, turns out I had a just a tad problem controlling mine when some Rocket thugs tracked him down. I threw a few punches, and he must've gotten scared, because he sent me to live with Arcy in the sanctuary in the air."
Kyurem blinked, gaped, and the closed his maw with a mild snarl.
"Well that's just great. But that still doesn't answer the question!"
"Do you really need a reason?" Mew said with a snigger. Arceus held back one of his own. Kyurem found himself speechless, tried to foment an objection, and then turned back to the screen with a dismissive wave of the hand.
Didn't Mewtwo give it to him as a Christmas Gift? Now that she thought about it that was the only Christmas gift Arceus had gotten from one of the Legendaries. It was sad actually.
"And we've still kept the streak going. Merry Christmas, Arcy."
As she edge closer she heard what sounded like someone else's voice. "So you've decided to take up reviewing as a hobby?"
"Pay no attention to the man behind the computer. Seriously, don't pay attention to this at all," Arceus said, almost hastily.
Yes, but I fear it is detracting from my work. That and I can't effectively watch Mew from a computer screen.
"Geddit? It's funny because it's true!" Mew shouted, before materializing a laugh track.
"Why don't you have her review a story? That way you could work on fixing your home and keep an eye on her?" It was Arceus' turn to pause before replying.
"That is not a bad idea, but I fear it that she will see it as a break. And as you know, she is currently being punished for this mishap and to let up would be unjust.
"I thought the DLC on modern Ace Attorney games were supposed to be better than the main story," Kyurem grumbled.
"Then why not have her review an awful one as part of her punishment?"
"That is... not a bad idea actually." Arceus replied.
"So nice you said it twice."
"What?" Arceus asked.
"So nice you said it twice," Kyurem repeated. The projector sputtered loudly in protest, and the trio found themselves staring down the second comedic scene.
Mew looked over her shoulder. Arceus was still rebuilding the hall which gave her some more time on his computer.
"Give Mew all the free time she could want on the computer: a completely flawless plan."
Not really sure what she wanted to do with her free time, though she knew that she wanted to do something with it, she opened up Word, not knowing what she would find.
"Arcy never really got over his fetish for run-ons, but at least he uses more than commas now."
Surprisingly, it seemed to have a sole document labeled simply
"Hitlist," Kyurem said, causing Arceus to choke in protest.
She then clicked on the document to be met with a monologue right off the bat.
"It's Arcy's version of a password. Instead of locking you out he tries to get you to commit suicide from boredom."
"Yeah, yeah, "the importance of learning from our mistakes".
"Considering that we're," Kyurem began, gesturing first to himself and then throwing a stubby claw over his shoulder at Mew. "Still here, Arceus still hasn't thought to take a page from his own book."
Let's see what I can find."
"What in Arcy's name!? It's all videos of Jack Storm!"
"Somehow a group of humans managed to get some of Mew's fur and have cloned her! This is just what I need; another Mew... God have mercy on me." Mew scoffed at that last line.
"You ask me if I have a god complex?" Arceus hissed. "Let me tell you something: I am god!" the theater shook slight at his thunderous voice.
"I have caught Ho-oh stalking that boy from Pallet again, this time on his way to my home region. This type of behavior is detrimental and must be addressed."
"Only Ho-Oh? All Legendaries need to be stalking Ash!" Mew decreed in her best impersonation of the Alpha.
"While I am loathe to admit my own faults, perhaps I had let my rage get the better of me. I can only be thankful that that child which always seems to be around when needed was there to assist me as well, and pull me out of both of my rage and death. The less said about this event the better, I feel."
"Just what we need: a reminder that the Pokemon movies are canon in our universe," Kyurem grumbled.
"I, for one, am with myself on this," Arceus' eyes then flashed, and the projector sputtered again. Mew scrambled to keep the film from spilling out of it. Much to his displeasure, it immediately fell on Chapter Ten – "Confessions of a Male Gardevoir" – and audibly gulping was all Arceus could do to not float out of the theater. Kyurem glanced over at the mess he had momentarily become: Arceus' eyes flashed as the projector rolled past the chapter, and the Alpha let out an uncomfortable cough.
"I might have gone too far in a few places," he muttered.
Greetings, I am Arceus the Critic. And as I'm sure you've noticed it's almost-
"Great going, we've somehow gotten lost in the Critic lore. Which chapter are we on now?"
"By my calculations, we've reached Christmas This Year by AuraWielder, otherwise known as the most horrific holiday special of the modern era," Kyurem rolled his empty eyes. "I've been around the block a few times, I highly doubt that you can top the drivel that I've suffered through-"
Christmas This Year
By: AuraWielder
"I used my pearl to pay for that pocket watch. The money I had wasn't enough and… you deserve a really good gift. 'Cause you're a really great Pokémon." One-shot. DialgaxPalkia CosmosShipping
"...As usual, I stand corrected," the Boundary Pokemon said with a grimace.
"One Habsburger, order up!" Mew chirped out.
"Man." he shuttered. "Out here is colder than even one of Articuno's storms! Certainly a feat in itself…"
Another feat would be that my son, who is thirteen feet tall, white, purple and makes the ground shake when he stomps
"Don't ever make fanfiction about me or my son ever again, xd," Kyurem began.
"Or I will find you. And I will kill you. Ecks dee," the Alpha finished.
At he expected, when he finally approached the mall, the place was absolutely PACKED with people. He saw people trying to barge into the mall through a swarmed entrance. He wasn't surprised, because after all, it WAS Christmas Eve.
"The master of space can't handle a crowd. Who would've thought? xd."
"Five out of four malls are PACKED this year. You won't BELIEVE this one simple trick that WAS used on Christmas Eve. Ecks Dee."
Palkia sighed, knowing that he would have to plow his way through all of these people.
"That's one way to clear out the lines at Disneyland, XD," Mew said.
If I have learned anything from reading World Tour, which in itself is a feat;
"It's that Cartoon Network should've cancelled that show ages ago. Ecks Dee."
it is never question something in an AuraWielder story. It will always get worse.
(Sheev Palpatine: Ironic.)
"...xd."
Last minute shopping...
(Arceus then hovered a pair of Black Aviators over his eyes.)
Meet last minute shoppers.
YEAAAAHHH!
"Arcy, did you really have to go rummaging through Keldeo's trash just to find filler, XD?"
"I'd like to purchase that diamond-encrusted clock you have in your store window. The 1/2 karat one."
"I'll get it out."
The store walked over to the store window and opened the glass case from the inside of the store
"Speaking of feats, getting a mall kiosk to walk to its own window is a miracle of engineering. xd."
"This one?"
"No, the one you hid under Chekov's gun, ecks dee," Arceus drawled.
"You see how far you've come that you're now able to salvage your own dead jokes, Arcy?" Mew said cheerily. "It's like poetry; everything has to rhyme. XD."
Palkia stepped away from the store clerk and made his way to the small clock shop's only bathroom. He locked himself in. Closing his eyes, he morphed his left hand back into a sharp claw and his right shoulder back into the single pink pearl-encrusted in a gray rim.
"Wait, what's going on now?" all three asked, before adding on a certain emote.
He hesitated. "Should I really do this?" he questioned himself. "…Yes. I worked this hard and I'm not about to let it go by. She deserves this much."
He moved his claw up to his right shoulder. Cautiously, he inserted his sharp claw into the gray rim that held his encrusted pearl.
"...Mr. Arceus, I don't feel so good, xd."
He slowly reached past the pearl and grasped his claw around the entire pearl. He tried to pull it out with 1 hard tug,
"You can tell how hard it was from the number, ecks dee."
He tried a second hard tug. This time the pearl became even looser, but Palkia screamed in pain.
"It's harder to stomach than Jingle all the Way! xd!"
Sir?" someone asked on the other side of the locked bathroom door. "Are you OK? I heard your screaming and...
"Assumed you were watching The Youtube Rewind, ecks dee."
"No!" he lied. "I'm fine. Just slipped and fell that's all."
"I've fallen and I can't get up! A joke still relevant after thirty years, xd."
"Is this one of those really protracted infomercials that's going to turn into an advert for LifeAlert, XD?"
Palkia heard the footsteps of the man leaving. He sighed in relief, almost having been found out. He placed his claw back into the gray rim, and yanked as hard as possible to get the pearl out
"This scene is still going?! Exdcuse me for one moment," Kyurem said as he blasted the projector with an Ice Beam, Mew ducking just barely in time to miss the aftershock. To both their amazement, it simply caused the film to skip forward.
"xd…" Kyurem said, self-satisfied as he slumped deeper into his throne.
Her charming looks of her human forme, long blue hair that went to her back, and a simple blue shirt and pants with coat, caught the attention of quite a few guys. They were promptly punched out by their wife / girlfriend for ogling at her. She ignored most of them as she made her way to the mall's GameStop.
"Presumably to get accosted by the store manager for a subscription to GameInformer, ecks dee."
(Arceus' eyes grew wide in horror.) Just for the record, I do not support my son cross-dressing.
"DID YOU JUST ASSUME-"
She arrived and every guy there looking for a video game for their father / son / gamer girlfriend stopped to look at her. Dialga, along with every female there, rolled their eyes.
"She wandered onto the set of the GameStop Employee Training Video, XD!"
Smiling, she picked it up and walked over to one of the store employees behind the desk. "A girl?" asked the weirded out employee, a guy socially awkward around girls. "We don't see many of you around here…"
"Girls and video games? Stacy, is that you? We must obtain the gamer girl pee and finally rise up before it's too late, xd!"
"Gamers rise up, ecks dee."
"Thanks." the employee said. "You know… I could use a date to the Christmas Day Ball tomorrow. Would you like to…?"
"No." she answered. She took the 3DS and immediately left the store, leaving the clerk to wallow in her rejection.
"I can never get a date…"
"You can really see how Aurawielder captures the undying truth that we live in a society, xd."
"Bottom text, ecks dee."
The box ended up getting ripped from her hands, and the 3DS and Zelda game slipped out. Dialga managed to space herself from the crowd while they fought over the 3DS like animals.
"Sad thing was they thought it was a Wii, ecks dee."
Well, to make up for it Dialga decides to buy a bouquet with what money she has left, and then teleports back to the Hall, where a Christmas party is being hosted. And where am I the entire time? Apparently not supervising the party, because I'm busy planning the most destructive and pointless tour in history.
He secretly writes fanfiction that everyone knows about.
He crushed his sons effortlessly, and still loves them.
He once saved the world... from himself.
He is... The Most Interesting Pokemon in the World.
"So nice we used the joke twice, altogether." Kyurem said.
"So nice we used the joke twice," Mew and Arceus repeated.
"Zapdos is doing well, but he's still a little… slow-witted, though."
"Can't be as slow as Groudon."
Lugia chuckled. "You got me there."
"Sorry, Arceus, but we're going to have to take away your 'father of the year' awards, xd."
They continued to deck the halls while the Legendary Beasts were busy sweeping up debris from the decorations on the floor, with Raikou griping ALL the way.
"This sucks." he whined. "Why do we have to do this?"
"Little Annie cleaning the workshop, colorized, XD."
Christmas Eve had finally come and the clock was ready to strike midnight. All of the Legendaries, save the young ones, were in the main hallway, ready to exchange gifts with their counterpart. Zekrom was eager to give Reshiram the new feather accessory, a Blue Feather, she had been wanting.
"Thanks for the invite, jerk."
"I believe you were occupied with that girl who went to a bakery to get her hair done."
And with that, we end this story on a heartwarming note. So what is my Judgement?
"Terrible," Kyurem spat.
"Disgusting!" The Psychic Type cried out.
"A complete waste of time..." Arceus bemoaned.
I liked this, a lot.
Arceus felt the combined glares of Mew and Kyurem burning holes into his head for a good moment before he was assailed by a barrage of stale food items. The Alpha quickly floated out of the theater before any lasting damage to his pristine exterior could be committed, only to about-face when he heard the projector sputter again. The trio found themselves facing the beginning of a new chapter.
Editorial: 10 Things Wrong With X and Y
"Arceus DESTROYS X and Y with FACTS and LOGIC," Kyurem thundered.
"Top 10 An-"
"That's well enough," the Alpha commanded. The projector was the one that obeyed, as it sputtered forward to the finale chapter – the Finale. Mew and Kyurem broke out into grins – only for the entire theater to grind to a halt when the doors above the trio swung open with an audible band. The sight that greeted them was a silhouette against the light: but even with the lack of details, the shape of twintails and hairbuns were easy to make out.
"Found you, Kyurem!" Rosa's flighty voice echoed off the theater walls. The Ice Dragon flinched in something resembling genuine pain as she held up a Master Ball.
"Not again! Arceus, get me out of here, now!"
The Alpha saw his chance. He telepathically flung the projector at the trainer – breaking a few laws of physics to shoot it into the doorframe above her after she ducked, sending a hail of streamer-like film showering down upon her. By the time she literally tore her way out of the incriminating evidence, the three Pokemon had vanished.
The three rematerialized in the marbled walls of the Hall, Arceus and Kyurem crashing onto the floor while Mew just harmlessly floated down to the level of the carnage.
"Yeesh, Kyurem, you could've told us your ex was after you."
She effortlessly floated out of the way of the following Ice Beam.
"Well, it's only fair," Arceus grumbled as he pushed himself upright. "After having been the butt of your jokes for the past few hours."
Kyurem coughed uncomfortably and Mew just looked at the floor. Arceus' brow relaxed with a heavy sigh.
"Still… I must say this is probably what I needed to finally come to a decision, Mew," both Legendary Pokemon turned their attention back to Arceus. His face was unmoving as he turned to meet them, but then the New Species Pokemon saw a flicker of melancholy in his gaze.
"I've come far. Very far. But to what end?" Arceus sighed. "I've had a good run Mew, and have no regrets."
"Arcy?" Mew said for both herself and Kyurem. The Alpha let out a bittersweet chuckle.
"I believe it's time I retired myself from this business. There will never be an end to bad literature, but hopefully I've at least demonstrated what not to do with the written word."
"In more ways than one…" Kyurem grumbled.
Mew's face melted into a frown.
"Arcy, you- you… You can't give up."
"Would you prefer I eventually become the next Nostalgia Critic – spending most of my time being nostalgic over when my critiques were good as I stew in a pot of mediocrity large enough to hold my own ego?"
Mew couldn't find it in herself to protest, gaining a greater interest in the reflectively polished floor tiles. Arceus' face scrunched up in something resembling a smile, and he lifted a hoof down to Mew's head. The feeling of warmth that enveloped the Psychic Type reminded her of long gone springs and simpler times.
"Besides," Arceus began, and the Psychic Type found herself finding the will to meet his gaze. "I believe I've prepared an excellent critic in her own right."
Mew smiled back, and kept it well after Arceus had withdrawn his touch. The Alpha turned to Kyurem, who had a little more frost clinging to his eyes than usual.
"Why don't I escort you back to Full Court?" the Boundary Pokemon nodded wordlessly, knowing the Alpha would understand his thoughts. They were gone in a flash. Mew turned, suddenly feeling very cold, and floated into Arceus' office. The computer where it all began stared back at her. With shaky paws, she started it up and cleared her throat.
"Hello there; I'm Mew the Critic, and I review it because Arcy taught me how to."
COMING SOMETIME AFTER THE RELEASE OF POKEMON CONQUEST 2
A/N:
Another year - and, in all honesty, this, in hindsight, was likely my penultimate year on FFN. I'll hopefully be finishing my other story next year, and I wanted to give Arcy a proper sendoff, especially after every planned review I had for this year couldn't seem to find its way onto paper.
As usual, a massive thanks to Mr. Grool who graciously came out of retirement to help finish off this zombie of a genre with a now four-year old tradition. But hey - what a way to fall. I'm just happy to finally join Grool and Niro in critic Outer Heaven.
I'll stop now. I suppose you didn't come down to the Author's Notes to read a continuation of the sketch - and in the spirit of that, I'd like to thanks everyone who helped me over the years with this: be it in doing crossovers, providing feedback, suggestions and criticisms, graciously hosting Arceus on their profile until I decided I wanted to give it another run on the fly, and in general just serving as inspirations: all of you who came, went and even occasionally stuck it out over the years have my gratitude. And with that, I, Arcy and Mew bid all of you farewell, and a Merry Christmas.