"Did that barista girl seem a little bit off to you?" Marinette blurted as soon as the door to the coffee shop closed behind them. She had kept her mouth shut about the strange girl's behavior as long as she could, allowing the couples time to say their farewells, but this information burned at the edges of her lips, just waiting for a chance to make its escape. It was a fully loaded spring, set and cocked, and ready to be released. There was just something about that girl that Marinette needed to share. A feeling of unease. A foreshadowing of fear.
Adrien's arm wrapped around Marinette, pulling her in safely, closely spreading his warmth as they walked side by side. The rain had only recently finished leaving everything wet and the air uncharacteristically cold. The moon and the stars were shrouded by the lingering clouds making Marinette thankful for the lamp posts that guided their path.
"She just seemed a little starstruck, I suppose," Adrien hummed, tightening his grip around Marinette. "I'm used to that kind of thing, but I guess it would seem odd to you. Did she appear to be faaantasising about me?"
"Did you really just? Ugh." Marinette groaned, rolling her eyes. He wasn't taking this seriously. "No. I mean yes. I mean I don't know!" her hands flew into the air in exasperation. "Her staring just made me feel uncomfortable, okay? Whatever she was fantasising about didn't seem as if was completely innocent, and as soon as I stepped between the two of you, I could have sworn that she gave me the death glare."
"Of course she would give you a hateful stare," Adrien agreed whilst pulling Marinette flush against his chest with the arm that was already at her waist, placing his other hand beneath her chin. Shivers of delight trickled down her spine as she melted within Adrien's arms.
"What else is a hopelessly in love fangirl supposed to do when she discovers that the model of her dreams is with another, breathtakingly beautiful, woman? I'm sure she was just jealous of you, Mari. Don't worry about it. Without a doubt, we will run into plenty of other girls with the same problem." A mischievous grin spread across his face as his hand wandered up the side of Marinette's face. "Just let me know if they ever make you feel bad and I will be sure to make them the ones who are feeling uncomfortable."
Marinette stood erect, cheeks burning, as embarrassing and flustering images flittered through her mind. She imagined a hoard of heartbroken teenagers sobbing at the sight of Adrien brushing a strand of hair out of her face whilst pulling her intimately close and whispering something incredibly cheesy within her ear. Pulling herself from her wild imaginings, she had to admit, that even though she had seen plenty of his admirers, she had never been as openly close with him as she had been in the coffee shop. That poor barista girl got to witness first hand her beloved Adrien Agreste cuddling another girl for the better part of an hour. Come to think of it, if Marinette had been forced to watch something like that back when she had been crushing on Adrien, she wasn't so sure that her reaction would have been very different.
With a faint smile, Marinette reached her hand up to ruffle Adrien's hair gently responding, "I guess you're right. I'm sure that I was just reading too much into things." Then, with a newfound sparkle in her eye and a smirk planted across her face she expertly changed the topic by asking, "By the way, you don't have any plans for tomorrow, do you? I could really use your help with something."
()
As Adrien left the bakery, he knew exactly what he had to do. Even though it was already midnight, he was too worked up to even think about sleep. He had made a promise that he would reply to Ladybug's letter, and he knew that he wouldn't be able to get any rest until he did.
Adrien bounced down the street, slipping into a narrow alleyway in which he could transform. As he extended his baton, making his way on the rooftops of Paris, he couldn't help but think about all of the times he had travelled this very path, towards the Eiffel Tower, with his Lady. His heart cinched and a vast emptiness began to fill his chest as he pictured the black spotted heroine swinging from building to building ahead of him. As soon as these long forgotten emotions took hold on his body, he froze. What was he thinking? His heart undoubtedly belonged to Marinette, but all of the sudden, he had this intense urge to see his beloved lady again.
After seeing how distraught Marinette had been over her long absence from her friend, a small part deep within the back of his mind had been thinking about how much he missed Lady. Now, as if a floodgate had been opened, memories of his Lady washed through every crevice of his mind. Her smile. Her bluebell eyes. The grace and confidence in which she fought every akuma. The late nights spent talking about nothing, which he loved. Adrien had tried to suppress these memories for years, but now they all came crashing down on him in a relentless and unforgiving wave of joy, sorrow, excitement, and love. Yes, Adrien had loved Ladybug, and no matter how much he tried to deny it, he knew that a part of him always would.
The lie that he had carefully sculpted for himself shattered around him. He did still care for his Lady and he desperately longed to be with her again. After years of nothing happening, he knew nothing romantic would come out of it. He could settle with being her best friend. She had known him better than anyone else had, after all. She had seen a piece of him that no one else ever had. Even though some of that was beginning to shine through in his current persona, it wasn't quite the same. She had accepted the dorky, pun loving side of him without seeing him as Adrien. She had seen many of his flaws and been there to comfort him many a night when he felt like no one cared about him at all. He couldn't just throw that all away for fear of what it would do to his relationship with Marinette. He had to trust himself more. If not for is own sake, then for Ladybug's
The chill midnight air nipped through the thin leather that hugged closely around him making him shiver while simultaneously trying to shake all the thoughts out of his head. With the push of a single button on his staff, Chat Noir was once again vaulting through the streets of Paris towards the abandoned meeting spot. With the tiny little box within his hands, there was nothing left within him to keep him from reading that letter. Impatiently, he flung the lid open and pulled out the carefully folded piece of paper, quickly straightening it out so that he could absorb everything that his lady had said.
Chat,
It's weird thinking of you as anyone other than Chat Noir. I guess I never really knew you at all did I? I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for never really trying to get know you. That was a mistake.
I'm glad to know that I can talk to you now. That makes me really happy.
Thanks for responding,
LB
Bursting in a nearly uncontrollable fit of laughter, Adrien sat, legged splayed unbecomingly off the side of the beam, staring incredulously at the slumbering city below. He'd just thought that Ladybug knew him better than anyone, but she thought she didn't know him at all. Of course, the one person he believed knew him more than anyone actually knew him less. Sure she saw his carefree and more rebellious side, but she never knew Adrien Agreste. No matter how much he wanted to believe that his Adrien side had only been a charade, that part of him was still an important piece to the whole. No wonder his lady had never fallen in love with him. How could she fall in love with a boy that she could only see half of who he really was?
At that moment, with his heart beating determinedly within his chest, Adrien decided, unwaveringly, that he was going to change that. He would allow Ladybug to get to see the real him through his letters, and he hoped that maybe just maybe she would share a little bit more about who she was. Adrien didn't really care if he ever discovered who his partner was, but if in getting to know more about each other lead them into accidentally learning of their secret identities, then he wasn't so sure that would be a bad thing. It most certainly would be easier to speak to her in person, without a mask, rather than relying on simply passing notes. However, this was currently his only option, and he had waited long enough to reply.
Landing safely within the confines of room, Adrien de-transformed, tossing Plagg a wheel of cheese. Without a moment to waste, he picked up his pen while quickly getting to work writing his response. After several drafts and hours without sleep, Adrien finally straightened up in his desk chair, looking at his letter with a contented sigh reading through it one last time.
"It's about time," Plagg sat up groggily moaning, being woken up by the sudden movement of his chosen. "Are you going to put that letter where it belongs or just stare at it all night?"
Sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck and deciding not to address those subjects, Adrien simply replied, "Plagg, claws out."
()
Meanwhile, a young bluenette shifted restlessly beneath the weight of her stifling covers. Marinette had tried desperately for the last few hours to fall asleep, but no matter how hard she tried, she could not get the events of the evening out of her head. Before she and Adrien had left the coffee shop, his entire body had abruptly shivered while he simultaneously had scrunched up his nose. At first, Marinette had believed that this strange response must of had something to do with that brown haired girl, but he had insisted that he hadn't found her behavior odd at all. Now, she could only ponder what had instigated such a reaction in an attempt to mute out something else that she had been frantically trying to forget about. Marinette just could not get her feline partner out of her mind, no matter how much effort she put into it. Adrien's promise that Chat Noir would inevitably respond filled her heart with hope, ceaselessly pulling her towards the Eiffel Tower.
She knew that she should sleep, that a letter wouldn't just appear over the course of one night, but her desire was relentless and unfaltering. Marinette finally gave in throwing off her covers, knowing that she wouldn't be able to get a wink of sleep until she had looked for that letter one more time.
"I'm sorry, Tikki," Marinette breathed in a mere whisper, gently cradling her sleeping Kwami within the palms of her hands. "I hate to wake you, but I just can't get that stupid cat out of my head. I hope you can forgive me."
The blue eyed girl smiled, placing a small tender kiss on the forehead of her peacefully slumbering friend while slowly and quietly saying, "Tikki, spots on."
In a flash of pink, the resting little deity was absorbed into the petite girl's earrings transforming her into the long missed bug themed heroine. Ladybug quickly dashed out of her skylight, greeted by the crisp, cold air biting at her cheeks. She ignored the cold as best she could as she extended her yoyo catapulting herself towards a small, silver box.
She nearly dropped her prize as her eyes were caught staring, transfixed upon the sight of a black, leather clad figure hastily retreating in the distance. Marinette's heart clenched and her breathing faltered as she watched her former partner getting further and further away from her. This was it. This was her chance to get to talk to Chat Noir face to face once again. She would get to see the goofy grin that had never failed to bring a smile on her own face. She would get to hear his boisterous, nearly contagious laugh. But most of all, she would get a chance to know more about the man who was underneath the mask.
At that thought, Marinette's stomach churned as images of Adrien filled her mind. These past few weeks with him was bringing back to surface all of the feelings that she had tried bury after they had parted ways a few years before. However, during that time of hibernation, those feelings had gained a chance to intensify, multiply, and even metamorphosize. She knew that she had barely scratched the surface into the excavation of these hidden emotions, and the implications of why terrified her.
Marinette knew that something was holding her back with Adrien, and her fourteen year self would absolutely kick her in the rear end for it. Had she have been given this chance four years ago, she would have dived in head first, but now she was being reserved...cautious. It wasn't that she hadn't allowed Adrien into her heart, because she most certainly had. Her stomach fluttered with joy and nervousness just at the mere thought of his face, or even the mention of his name. The problem stemmed from the fact that she hadn't allowed Adrien to fill her whole heart. At first she had convinced herself that this was because she did not know him well enough to let her emotions take over, and even though that was certainly partly true, Marinette knew that deep inside there was something else that was keeping her from opening up her heart in its entirety to him.
Another blonde haired, green eyed boy had been on her mind as of late. After years of spending nearly every day either fighting by his side or simply sitting and chatting on top of the Eiffel Tower, she shouldn't have been surprised to discover that a small piece of her heart would always belong to him. However, in that moment, with that simple flip of guilt lurching in her stomach, Marinette knew exactly what had been holding her back with Adrien. It had been Chat Noir. Unbeknownst to her, Chat had managed to worm his way into her heart with every single dorky pun, every smoldering look, and every instance in which he proved that their trust in each other could never waver.
Adrien had always been the sun that lit up and heated the very earth that Marinette stood upon. Just thinking about him lifted her spirits in a way that no one else ever could. However, Chat had been the moon that stabilized the axis of Marinette's world. He had been her constant companion, a satellite which had never failed to make its revolution back to her. She knew that she could depend on him, and she desperately needed him in order to succeed. Throughout the years, Marinette had come to rely on Chat Noir's presence, and without him, without the moon, her world had secretly tilted away from its usual position taking her further and further away from the sun. Only now did she realize how much his absence had truly affected her and how much of her heart longed to be with him once more. Even with the sun once again shining within her life, it felt incomplete and nearly sorrowful as its bent rays were barely able to reach her. And now, with those diminished rays of the sun, she craved for the light that shone in the darkness, never allowing her to fail, never permitting her to feel afraid.
Ignoring the sense of betrayal that her guilt ridden stomach had tried to warn her about, Marinette launched herself off of the Eiffel Tower in pursuit of the elusive hero. She wanted to speak with him. She needed to speak with him. However, no matter how hard she tried or how fast she went, the leather clad figure continued to retreat ever more out of her reach. Continuing her journey, even when her target had long since vanished, Ladybug couldn't help but to silently scream. This was just like her dream. Her worst nightmare had just become her reality. For what seemed like hours but was only in reality a matter of minutes, Ladybug desperately, longingly remained searching the streets of Paris for her friend. But it was all for naught. He was nowhere to be seen.
With a lump in her throat and a nauseated stomach, Marinette finally made her way back to the tower. She had lost him. Again. As the weight of the importance that he had held in her life came crashing on her shoulders, all she could do was sit and cry. She pulled her knees to her chest and buried her face in them. She needed to be with with Chat Noir just as a tree needs roots in which to stand. He was her protector, the person she could trust with her life itself, and above all, one of her closest friends. Marinette knew that Adrien should have been enough. Gah, how she wanted him to be enough. But the simple fact of the matter was that he wasn't. Adrien. Wasn't. Enough. He was the sun. He had always been the sun. Warm. Bright. But ever unattainable. Even though the sun was trying to shine directly on her, it was useless. The moon was gone. Her world tilted uncontrollably, leaving her cold, trapped in an everlasting winter, without any hope of the return of the seasons. Her whole body trembled as she sobbed uncontrollably, this time with no comforting arms or a gentle smile to ease the pain.
()
Adrien should have gone home. He was exhausted. It had been nearly three O'clock in the morning when he had placed his letter, but he couldn't bring himself to return to the dark solitude of his cavernous bedroom. No matter how hard he tried, he could not push the thoughts of his lady out of his head. After years of denying just how much he missed her, how much he needed her in his life, the sudden realization of just how wrong he had been was nearly suffocating.
Ladybug had been the sustenance on which his very being had been able to thrive. When everything else in his life seemed to be falling apart. When he had felt as if there was no in the world who could truly love him, she had always been there. One look at her would fix any hurt, would ease any doubt, and would calm any rage that he had brewing inside of him.
Many times when his father had not allowed him out of the house so that he could spend more time practicing the piano, Ladybug had been the only companion that he had been able to see. Truth be told, Adrien had never grown as close to his friends as he would have liked due to the sheer fact that he had missed out on almost every single outing that they had invited him to.
With a shudder and a chill running down his spine, Adrien remembered something else that his constant absences had provoked, only now realising how much of his own fault it truly was. Marinette had garnered a crush for him since they had first met. However, due to his own obliviousness and lack of a chance to actually spend time with her, he had been left in the dark about that. That unintentional void that Adrien had left in Marinette's heart had allowed someone else to creep his way in. Fortunately for Adrien now, things did not work out between the two of them, but donned with the knowledge that he now possessed, he looked at the situation in a completely different light.
When Adrien had been younger, he didn't care that Marinette had held a crush for another boy. In fact, he once had even tried to help set up his best friend Nino with her. But now, now that he knew that she had liked him and that his own stupidity and lack of a presence in her life had sent her pining after another guy, no matter how brief, he was furious. He was furious at himself and furious at his father for making him miss out on so much. If he hadn't been so dumb, if he hadn't been so flaky on his friends, things could have turned out differently. Adrien could have been with Marinette much sooner. He could avoided the emptiness of the last four years. But alas, that was not meant to be, and there was nothing that anyone could do to change that.
So…. instead of connecting with his friends….with Marinette, Adrien had drawn himself closer to the only person that he had been able to sneak out and see. Ladybug had been his refuge from hollow life that his father had forced upon him. Ladybug had been his comfort when he was suffering from not being allowed to see his friends. Ladybug had filled his heart when no one else in his life had been willing to, or from what he now knew, able to. And now, now that Adrien had been ready to move on. Ready to allow another woman to take complete hold of his heart, he couldn't. The bond that he had formed with Ladybug was irreversible, insatiable, and much against his own desires, insufferable. The damage had been done. His heart was split in two. And Adrien hoped beyond anything that he had ever dared to hope that in rekindling his friendship with Ladybug, that it would be enough to fill that chasm that he only now knew that he had. If that chasm was filled, then he dared to dream that one day, he would be able to cross it to the other side where his love for Marinette was waiting.
He could get past this. He would get past this. But first, he had to get to know his lady. Adrien had to get closer to her for himself, for Ladybug, and most importantly for Marinette. Shutting Ladybug out of his life was not the answer in growing closer to Marinette. No, that would only fill him with emptiness and regret. He would fill his heart. He would satisfy every longing that it had. That way there would no regrets and no hollow pieces. Only then, would his heart, would his love be able to grow. He could see it now. He could see it so clearly. And he would stop at nothing in order to make this dream a reality.
All of these thoughts ran through his mind as he soared across the city. Only now, that his thoughts had reached a determined conclusion did he realize how far he had actually travelled. Miles. Chat Noir had vaulted for miles away from his home, and away from his worries. Adrien found himself sitting on top of tiny cottage on the outskirts of the city. It was a quaint little home with white stucco walls and a clay tiled roof. Curved arches lead into small pleasantly decorated alcoves that acted as an entryway into the house. It was apparent that guests were welcomed here, and Adrien couldn't help but to imagine the warm smiles that the accommodating hosts would supply.
Without even realizing it, Adrien pictured his own face side by side with Marinette's on the other side of those doors. He could see Alya and Nino traipsing together through the welcoming garden bending over to indulge in the scent of the intoxicating petals. Chloe and Willy would be seated together on the small wooden bench that overlooked the bubbling fountain. Marinette's parents, Sabine and Tom, would be picking grapes from the miniscule vineyard and popping them, lovingly into each others mouths. His own father would be the ringing the doorbell, alerting the happy couple inside that their guests had arrived. Then there would be laughter. The bright and innocent laughter of children as they threw open the door to be greeted by their grandfather. Gabriel would pick the boy and the girl up, twirling them around as the other guests joined him talking joyously about the evening to come.
The first slivers of pale sunlight appeared at the horizon pulling Adrien from his daydream. He knew that if he had any hope of returning unseen, that he would have to leave at this very moment. As it was, he would be lucky enough to reach his room before the birds would begin chirping signalling to everyone the dawn of a new day.
()
Long after the tears had ceased and her shoulders had relaxed, Marinette lifted her head looking over at the imposing box. Chat must have replied. That had to have been why she had seen him escaping from her the distance. With newfound, overwhelming emotions tugging at the center of her being, she had simply forgotten to check the very thing that had caused her leave her room. A small smile set comfortingly, forming at the edges of her lips as she grabbed on to that tiny box clutching it, as a mother clings to its newborn baby, against her chest. All was not lost. She could still talk to Chat through these letters. These were her lifeline. A buoy in which she could hold on to to keep from drowning. One day, she hoped that the line would be drawn in so that she could stand on the deck of that ship. That ship which was Chat. A chance to meet face to face. A chance to be held in his warm embrace. But for now she would hold on to that buoy for her own dear life. Lest it be stripped away, ever removing her from her friend, her companion, her guide.
Releasing the tightened grip that she had held on that precious little box, she finally dared to open it. Marinette's heart beat rapidly, nearly jumping out of her chest at the sight of the newly placed paper. He had replied. Chat had replied! Her fingers shook in anticipation, unfolding the seemingly heavy piece of parchment. Even though it was still dark outside, the lights of the tower coupled with the first shimmering rays of dawn lightly illuminated the words on the page enough so that she could easily read them.
Dear Ladybug,
I apologize for waiting so long to get back to you. I really have no excuse for that; I just didn't want to complicate things. I'm sorry for any inconvenience that my returning to the limelight may have caused you. It was an unintentional exposure I can assure you. You know a hero can never turn away a civilian in need.
The fact that you knew me as Chat Noir, means that you knew me better than anyone else. However, it is true that you knew nothing about my civilian form. You see for me, I felt as if my civilian self was more of a charade than the mask itself. If you had known me in high school, you would have known a usually quiet boy who would have never dared to make a pun. In fact, I'm quite sure that you never would have been able to figure out who I was simply by watching how I acted.
I feel like I'm starting to come more to terms with myself now. If for some reason, you did happen to know me outside of the suit, you might be able to pick me out due to some of my Chat like qualities starting to shine through.
Till we finally meet again,
Chat
Marinette read through the letter several more times lingering over every word as if she were trying to memorize them. Chat had been a quiet boy. Chat had been someone else entirely underneath that mask. This revelation shouldn't have come as a surprise to her; she herself had seen her civilian persona as someone entirely different than Ladybug. But she had never considered this. She had never even thought that he could be someone else outside of that mask. How could she have been so stupid? Once again, her entire world came crashing down around her.
Marinette had not seen Chat Noir for who he really was and the fact that he believed that she knew him better than anyone else ever had, utterly broke her inside. How bad must his life had to have been for him to believe that his civilian life had been a charade? How lonely must he have had to have been for him to think that she was the only one that truly knew him when she had known nothing.
A nauseating, lurching feeling crept into her stomach like an oozing, perilous fog traipsing into the night. Marinette felt sick. She felt sick for never allowing herself to truly open up to Chat Noir. He had needed a friend. He needed someone to draw close to, and all she had ever done was push him away. Marinette had allowed her crush on Adrien to keep her from developing a relationship with her partner. He had needed her, and she had shut him out. She turned down every chance that they had ever had to know each other on a deeper level and he had suffered because of it. Now they were both suffering from it.
Never again, she vowed, delicately placing that important piece of paper back into the box. Never again would she leave Chat feeling alone and like no one truly knew him. She would get to know him. She would get to know who that mysterious, lonely boy, was beneath that mask and she would allow him to get to know more about her. Even if they never met. Even if they never discovered each other's civilian names. It wouldn't matter. All that mattered was that they learned about who the other person was on the inside. What made them happy. What made them sad. That would be enough.
With her head in the clouds and her heart in the sky, Marinette barely noticed just how bright the morning had truly gotten as she made her way back to her home. She didn't notice the ombre haired girl snapping a picture of her favorite superheroine carelessly swinging from building to building. And she most certainly was not awake when said girl burst into her bedroom only a few hours later with a crazy glint in her eyes and an incriminating picture on her phone.