I wrote this chapter a month after my dad passed, so hahaha heights of grief. I cried my way through Alice's letter to Killian. This was a hard chapter to write, but I'm glad I did. This fic would always hold a special place in my heart because I'm going to always look at the first half as stuff I wrote "a prior" and the second half as stuff I wrote "ad hoc". I think you can tell it too, because it's just that much more angst-ier now. I'm so grateful to the lot of you who have stuck through this journey with me.
A big thanks to sambethe for the amazing artworks for Chapter 2 and Chapter 5, and the great banner. Go check out the original post.
ALSO have you checked out the videos that downeystarkjr has made for this fic - a teaser AND a longer video! I can't with the talent for these two artists.
Pretty sure I would be nowhere without accio-ambition, in live or on tumblr. Love you, baeeb.
Such a great bunch of fics and artwork this year for captainswanbigbang. I'm in awe!
Present day: Enchanted Forest
When Emma left the clearing, Killian worried that she would not return, not with how wrecked she had sounded. His heart had shattered at her admission, and he was helpless to do anything but watch as she walked away. He could not bring himself to even think about what she had said, about losing a child…
She had disappeared through the tree line, but he had still been able to sense her magic. Killian could feel the Darkness in him reach out toward Emma's light magic - to conquer it, to destroy it. His emotions were all over the place; his skin was buzzing, his heart and head in disarray. This wasn't unfamiliar to him, however. This Darkness was like any addiction, and he was itching for a fix. If he were back in the Land without Magic, he would have dragged his arse to a meeting right now. The only things he had at this moment was himself and the Darkness, which, based on past experience, was not a great combination. The last time he listened to the Darkness, he ended up hurting everyone he cared about and running away from his problems.
He was tempted to go after Emma multiple times since she left, but his bones still ached from the blast of magic Emma had struck him with and he did not want to incite her again. Especially when she had made it quite clear where he stood in her life. He had waited the first hour or so, hoping that she would return. But then he started to get restless and itched to do something, feeling the limitless magic spark under his fingertips.
He needed a distraction.
It was then that he had noticed the letter from Alice Emma had given him. Perhaps it was about time he read his daughter's version of things. Maybe if he had done that in the first place, he would not even be in this situation. He was surprised to find the letter sealed, with no signs of tampering. He unfolded it, his eyes tracing the neat cursive of his daughter's handwriting.
Killian felt a large lump in his throat, his eyes filled with tears. He could remember clearly what Alice had been like when she was five-years-old. But this was written by a young woman whom he did not know, and that thought alone was enough to send him spiralling.
Emma had been right, he might not have aged in the past couple of decades, but Alice definitely had. He sucked in a deep breath, centering himself and pushing aside the the festering Darkness.
Dear Papa,
I never thought that the first time I'd talked to you after all these years would be through a letter. I know you are confused and angry about everything right now. I know you miss me, and I know you are worried. I miss you beyond words, Papa. I wish I had more time to write this. Honestly, if I were wishing for things, I wish I could just see you in person.
You once made a deal to save me from a horrible fate. You made a choice that day for my good. I'm doing the same thing by going with Gothel. I'm making a choice, so I can see you again one day. If I allow her to take Emma, Gothel will kill her. I need to hold on to the hope that she would not do the same thing to her child. I need you to hold on to the hope that we will meet again, Papa. I really, really need you to understand that this was my decision. Emma hates this just as much as you probably do; but she has sacrificed for this family too. If you are going to come for me, come as my Papa, without the wretched Darkness plaguing you. Until then, I'll wait for you. Always and Forever.
Love,
Your Starfish
Killian's hand shook, letting the letter drop in his lap. He couldn't help but think about how grown up his Alice sounded; he had missed out on everything. He did that to himself, and he could not blame Emma for his selfishness. He ought to have believed her when she had told him she would help him control the Darkness. But he had seen the way it had split Rumplestiltskin's family apart. While he would never forgive the Crocodile for murdering Milah in cold blood, he knew that if it were not for the Darkness, he might have spared her life. He never wanted something like that to happen to either of his girls. He was too afraid of dealing with the consequences.
Hell, he had not even waited to hear Emma out just then; he had let the Darkness take over so easily. What if the next time, he did something much worse? What if he hurt her?
'If you are going to come for me, come as my Papa, without the wretched Darkness plaguing you' he read the line again. He felt a strong conviction at Alice's words. If she could believe in him, even after all these years, then he needed to believe in himself.
-/-
20 years ago: Enchanted Forest
"Are you ready to tell your daughter that she will soon be free?" Emma could swear that the smile that took over her pirate's face rivaled even the bright rays of the sun.
"Aye," Killian grinned. "You did it, love." He pressed a quick yet firm kiss to her lips, his lips stretched into a wide smile the whole time. "Come on, love. Let's go."
Emma's cheeks coloured under his praise, her own expression joyous. She had set out to find a way to save Alice, and while she had never intended to fall in love with Killian or find a place for herself with the Joneses, she was incredibly glad about the outcome. Maybe after they freed Alice from this tower once and for all, she and Killian could discuss their future. He was right to want to focus on Alice now. They had all the time in the world to reflect on what they mean to each other. Right now, though, she knew he loved her, and she loved him.
However, despite her eagerness to start their quest, she was hesitant about what it entailed. "Are you certain you want to go down this path?" Emma asked Killian, stopping him in his tracks.
He turned to face her, his brows pulled together. "Of course. I don't know why I never thought of this before." He shook his head, chuckling dryly. "I should have known that the Crocodile was the answer. Quite fitting that my worst enemy is the one who can save my daughter."
"Killian, Rumplestiltskin is notorious for his deals. I told you, I could do it myself. All I need to do is siphon the spell from the tower and transfer it onto something else."
"That would exhaust your magic completely," he countered. "Both of us know the consequences of that, Swan. I can't- I won't allow it."
Emma was irked by his reponse. "You won't allow it?" she asked, crossing her arms defiantly. "What makes you think you can tell me what to do?"
He gaped at her, as if he was surprised by her defensiveness. "I'm not trying to tell you anything! I'm looking out for you, Emma."
"I don't need you to. I know how to take care of myself," she scowled, her body stiff and on edge. "I can do this, there is no need for you to go to the Dark One."
Killian sighed, almost like he was tired. He approached her slowly, gripping her shoulder with his hand, making her meet his eyes. "I have already made up my mind, Swan. There is another way, and I am going to take it. I am not going to risk losing you."
Emma's shoulders sagged, stepping closer to him and pressing her forehead to his shoulder. "Why can't you just trust me?" she asked on a sigh.
"I do trust you. I trust you with Alice's life, I trust that you will do anything for her. That's why I can't let you do this. You will end up sacrificing your life, Swan." He swallowed thickly, dragging her closer to him, his arm wrapping around her waist and his chin balancing on her shoulder. "I won't be able to live with myself if anything of the sort happened to the woman I love."
Emma felt a heaviness in her chest at his admittance. "Isn't that what parents do? Give up their lives for their children? Alice is like my daughter; so why can't you just accept my decision?" Emma's voice was low and soft; she was hesitant to cross the line with Alice. But she wanted to make it clear to Killian where she stood when it came to him and Alice. She was in it for the long haul, and she was done trying to suppress it.
Killian stepped back just enough to pull her in for a kiss that quite literally stole her breath. She could feel everything he could not say in words. Emma was the first one to pull back, her lips swollen and pink. She pressed her forehead to his, both their eyes remaining closed. "You've been her mother in all the ways that matter, Emma," he whispered.
Emma's heart soared at his words, but waited with bated breath for his next words, hoping that he would agree with her.
"It would break Alice's heart if something were to happen to you." He chuckled at Emma's scowl, knowing that he had her. "Come now, Swan. Let's go tell our girl the good news."
Emma sighed, staying rooted in her spot. Killian barely seemed to repress his groan, waiting with hand and hook on his hips. "What is it now?"
"We need to get the Dark One dagger. If you want to get Rumplestiltskin to accept your terms, you're going to have to command him to."
-/-
Present Day: Enchanted Forest
Emma sniffled, her eyes trained on the grave in front of her, her fingers fiddling with the ring on her chain. She had not intended to come here, her heart already too raw from her fight with Killian, but her feet had unconsciously brought her to her child's grave. Well, grave indicated that she had given birth to the baby, but she never had that chance. This was the only way she knew of to offer tribute to the life that was lost, to remember her and Killian's child.
It had been a little over a month after Killian had left her and Alice, and she had realised that she was over two weeks late in her courses. Despite expecting the news, hearing that she was carrying Killian's child had still shocked her. She had been struggling to mother Alice alone, and she had been uncertain about bringing a child into their chaotic life. Emma had had no inkling of how to be a mother, especially to a little girl whose father had been her entire life. Alice had been unconsolable the first few days after Killian had left, and she had slowly been getting better. A baby would have only disrupted the delicate balance Emma and Alice had established.
But in spite of her apprehension, Emma had been elated by the news. Killian might not be here, but she had his daughter and now this other child with her. It had given her hope, that things weren't as dire as she had thought they were. She could raise her children, and find a way to save Killian from the Darkness. She had been prepared to settle with what she had to be happy. But it was not easy to care for a six-year-old who was seeing the outside world for the first time while pregnant. It was not easy being pregnant in any situation; and she was ill-equipped to handle it. She had started to doubt her ability to be a mother to this baby a couple of weeks after she had found out. A husband-less mother of two? That would not be an easy label to live with. She had struggled to stay positive as the weeks passed, but not even at her lowest moment did she not want the baby.
It had been a cold and stormy night, and it had taken Emma a long while to get Alice settled for the night. Thankfully they had found shelter at an inn, especially considering she had been having great pains in her abdomen, coming and going at odd intervals. The pain had only increased throughout the day, and by the time Alice had fallen asleep, Emma could hardly move. Emma had called for a midwife hours ago, when the pain was just mild, but she had been delayed due to the rain. She had resisted asking the inn owners for help, but she had had no other choice.
The wife of the inn owner, Claire, had tried make Emma comfortable, brought her some soup and bread, kept her company through the night, even as her pain grew worse and worse. Emma could still remember the unbelievable pain she had felt. Alice had woken in the middle of the night from Emma's cries, wordlessly hugging her, trying to offer any comfort she could. Emma could tell that she had had no clue, and to this day, Alice had no idea what had happened that night. Somewhere a little after midnight, Claire had noticed that Emma was bleeding. That had been the moment she had known - her baby was not going to make it. It was not uncommon for women to lose their child so early in their pregnancies, but that had in no manner made it any easier on Emma. She had never needed anyone in her life until that night, but she desperately needed Killian with her. She needed him to hold her hand, to tell her that they would be alright. That their child would be alright. She needed his solid presence and she needed false promises.
She lost her child that night, and if it were not for Alice, she would have lost all will to live. She had never felt the kind of heartache like she had that night. She was half-tempted to wrench her heart from her chest and bury it somewhere far away. Just for a little while. But she knew what a steep path that was, and it was not one she had been ready to go down. Not when she was accountable for Alice. She might have lost a child, but she still had her little girl to look after. It had taken her a long time to get through her grief from losing both her child and her lover within months of each other.
She would never be able to forget that night in a million years, and some broken part of her did not want to either. It was like the scab of a wound: you know it would hurt to pick at it, but you do anyway. She had spent the years since using that pain to motivate her to be a better mother to Alice, to raise a girl who was happy and wanted for nothing. She did not feel alone for even a moment. She wanted to make sure that while Alice never forgot Killian, she also did not stop living her life. Both her and Killian had sacrificed so much for Alice's freedom. She had to admit that with watching Alice grow up and trying to live her own life as much as she could, she had lost track of finding the cure. It was only after Gothel had taken Alice too from her that she finally found some leads. Leads that had led her to Camelot, to Merlin. To the Land without Magic, to bringing Killian home.
She had never expected him to be so hostile, though. She had been dreaming of this day, of reuniting with him, for years. Of being happy again, for just a moment. Especially after Alice had been taken; the only thing that kept her going was knowing that she would be reunited with her family again. But everything she feared had happened; she was certain that Killian would never forgive her. How could they ever work together, when all they seemed to do is hurt each other?
Emma knelt on the ground, her fingers tracing the name carved into stone - her child's name. She bit her lip to keep it from trembling, her vision blurred from her tears.
"Charles?"
Emma froze, not expecting any company. She assumed that Killian would just leave her alone; that he would be too furious to come after her. In fact, she had hoped that he wouldn't come after her. She was not ready to share this part of her story with him just yet.
"Killian." She stood up, brushing at her cheeks and clearing her throat. She couldn't understand the expression on his face as he entered the clearing, his brows pulled and jaw clenched tight. She was almost afraid of what he would do, something she had never once felt around him before.
"Is- is that for our child?" he asked, his voice shaky and tentative. He kept his distance from her, but he couldn't keep his anguish from her. "Emma?" he prompted, when she couldn't bring herself to answer him.
-/-
20 years ago: Enchanted Forest
"Papa!" Alice exclaimed, dropping her paintbrush and rushing to her father. Emma smiled, watching father and daughter reunite.
"Starfish! Oh, how I missed you, darling!" Killian pressed kisses all over Alice's face making her giggle and wriggle out of his embrace and reaching for Emma instead. Killian walked up to Smee, who had scrambled up to his feet, both men talking in hushed whispers.
Emma wasn't one to pass up on a cuddle, hugging Alice tightly to her. As much as she had enjoyed some alone time with Killian, she had missed the little girl she had come to see as her own. "Did you have fun with Mister Smee, Al?" she asked, pulling back.
"Yes!" Alice jumped on the spot, rushing to get everything they had done over the week, making both Emma and Killian chuckle. Killian grabbed Alice, hefting her on his hip and kept listening to her stories as he went about preparing a quick meal for everyone.
She spied Smee from the corner of her eye as he stood, looking around awkwardly. Curious about what Killian could have possibly told him, she went to assist him in cleaning up Alice's workspace. "I hope Alice was not too difficult? She could get a bit upset when Killian isn't around."
"Oh no, miss. She was fine," he replied, waving off her concerns. "A perfect angel. She seemed a little upset that both of you were not here, but she asked for you more. She really seems to love you, miss."
"Please, call me Emma." After a moment, she asked, hesitantly, "You- you knew Killian before."
"Aye, I did. He was one hell of a captain." Smee sounded wistful, his expression a little dazed. "But he had always wanted a family, that much I know," he added, shooting a soft smile in Emma's direction.
Emma contemplated asking Smee about Milah, but she wasn't certain if Killian would appreciate that. He had always seemed reluctant to tell her about Milah; she could never understand why. He knew everything about her past. She couldn't help but feel that she was on the outside with Killian sometimes. Perhaps now was not the time to think about such things, but it hardly seemed fair to her. There is only so much she could accept; he did not seem to mind her calling Alice her daughter. Perhaps, they should then tell the girl herself. It was time to stop hiding their relationship.
Emma was lost in thought all evening, hardly touching her supper, quietly contemplating how she could bring up the subject with Killian. Smee had noticed the tension building in the room, quickly finishing his meal and left, promising to return in a week. Emma hadn't even been aware that Killian had spoken to him about their imminent journey and decided that it would be the following week. He had decided it for them, without once consulting her. She understood that Alice was his priority, and he always had to have the final say. But if she was to be a true mother to Alice, then they needed to have an equal partnership. He couldn't simply make decisions for her too. She was not his wife.
Emma had a feeling that Killian knew something was bothering her; after supper, he dragged Emma to the kitchen, while still having an eye on Alice as she played with her dolls.
"Is something wrong, love? You've been awfully quiet the entire evening." She could tell he was genuinely concerned, his hand resting lightly on her waist.
"Are you certain you want to know?" she asked, wincing to herself at her irate tone.
Killian's brows pulled together, confused by her response. She couldn't blame him - for all he knew, she had been perfectly fine a couple of hours ago. "Of course I do, darling. I am worried about you. Talk to me."
Emma felt her anger abate at his sweet tone, but she knew she had to hold her stance. "I think we should tell Alice."
"Aye, I thought that was the plan?"
"Not just about freeing her from this tower. About us."
"I thought we decided to wait until after we freed her?"
Emma pulled out of his grip, hugging herself. Killian looked hurt by the gesture, his hand still outstretched. "You decided that, Killian. Just like you decided to go to the Dark One."
He immediately dropped his hand, his eyes flashing at her. "We discussed this, Emma."
"No, we did not," she hissed. "I understand why you don't want me to do it, but-"
"No, I don't think you do. You hardly touched the barrier before, and you were hurt. Do you honestly think I could watch something worse happen to you? I love you!" he hissed, his voice low and fierce.
"Do you?" she challenged, regretting it the moment the words left her mouth. Killian looked like she had slapped him.
"How could you ask me that?" His words came out in barely a whisper, his eyes searching hers for some reason behind her doubts.
"If you really do love me, why do we have to lie to Alice about us? You say I'm practically her mother - you have no idea how much that means to me - but you never treat me like an equal. You keep me on the outside, Killian, especially when it comes to Alice. You make every decision for me. I want us to be equal partners in this. I don't know how I can make up for not being Alice's birth mother, but I love that child like she is my own heart. You wanting to hide our relationship from Alice just makes me feel like a dirty secret." Emma couldn't help the tears that sprang to her eyes, stubbornly refusing to shed them. "You say loving me is selfish. You know what that makes me think?" He shook his head, unable to form words. "It makes me think you are ashamed of me. So, I ask you again, do you love me?"
His eyes never strayed from hers. Emma could see the depth of his emotions. She could see how deeply her words cut - but she could not bring herself to regret them. His jaw ticked as he clenched and unclenched it, clearly struggling with finding the right words. She thought if she could just tell him how she felt, he would dissuade her fears. But she could tell from his silence that he was aware of what he was doing. She should have realised that he would be unwilling to compromise. She sighed, nodding and accepting defeat. She tried, and at the end of the day, that was what mattered. Maybe he might have been more receptive once they had liberated Alice from her prison. But she might not be able to wait that long.
She walked away from him, her heart hardening once again. She made the mistake of letting her walls down with Killian, she forgot that he had ones of his own. Walls of jagged stones, so tall and impenetrable that she could not scale them without losing herself in the process. And she wasn't so certain that he even wanted her to.
-/-
Present Day: Enchanted Forest
Now that he had his memories back, Killian could remember - among other, more pleasant memories - every argument he had had with Emma. They were both stubborn people with strong opinions, and there had been no shortage of fights. He could still remember the day she had asked him to tell Alice about them: it had felt like an ultimatum and Captain Hook historically did not do well with ultimatums. But he had almost lost her that day because he had been afraid to open up his heart completely to another person again. He thought he had known what fear was then, when she had walked away disappointed. But that was nothing compared to how she looked at him now. She looked at him with resentment and undisguised anguish. She looked afraid of him. How could he hope to come back from that?
"Emma?" he prompted when she did not answer him. He could hear how desperate and tormented he sounded, but he did not care. "Whose grave is that?"
Emma's lip wobbled and she bit down hard on it. Her silence spoke louder than words ever could have, it told him what he needed to know. He gasped, feeling suddenly breathless as he felt his knees give out from under him. He didn't think that was possible for the Dark One, but his heart had gone through a tumultuous journey within a few short hours. He could hear the Darkness talk to him again, telling him to let out his agony, to release it into the world. To let the world know his pain.
Emma let out a stuttering breath, her hand reaching for her chest as she walked to him. She knelt in front of him, her hands framing his face delicately, her own tear-filled eyes meeting his. "Look at me," she whispered. "Just me. It's just me here, Killian. Do not listen to anything but my voice."
He nodded, grasping at her shoulder to steady himself. The Darkness hissed louder at him, telling him to hurt Emma. But he pushed it aside, focusing on her voice, on the light magic that radiated from her. He expected it to burn like it did when she attacked him before, but it felt warm, like an embrace. He felt her light envelop him, draw him away from the Darkness. He closed his eyes, concentrating on just her voice, on her. It took awhile for the loud, abrasive voice of the Darkness die down. He opened his eyes slowly, only to find himself wrapped up in Emma's arms, their cheeks pressed together and her voice whispering soothingly in his ear.
He cleared his throat, pulling back slightly, just enough to see her. He brushed at her tearstained cheek with the flat of his hook, holding her gaze steadily. "Thank you, Emma."
She nodded, smiling tightly at him and squeezing his left arm. She looked surprised to see him with his hook again, but didn't mention it, which he was glad for. It felt right, to have the hook back, no matter how convenient the prosthetic was.
"How did you find me?" she asked, after a moment, pulling away and sitting more comfortably next to him.
"Your magic, it left a trace. It was not hard for me to follow," he answered, suddenly embarrassed, rubbing the back of his neck.
She frowned at him. "You shouldn't use your magic. The more you use it, the more easy it will be to give in to the Darkness."
"Yet, you always manage to bring me back." He reached for her hand, but she drew away before he could, looking away from him.
Killian resisted the urge to sigh. He should have expected this; nothing had changed, simply because she helped him get through his struggle with the Darkness just then. He had hurt her time and again, and she had done the same to him. They might have had the best intentions, but that did not justify their actions. They had spent a long time apart, and evidently, a lot had happened.
"What happened?" he asked lowly. Neither of them were looking at the other, both of their gazes fixed on the gravestone.
"I found out a month after you left. I never got to - I never had the chance to carry him to term." She let out a stuttering breath, reaching for his hand, squeezing tight. "I lost him around the fourth month," she said, her voice a soft and devastating thing.
"I-" Killian couldn't say anything beyond that. What could he possibly say? That he was sorry? That he wished he had been there? That he wished he had never left? There was nothing to say at this moment. Emma had had to live with the grief of losing their baby for so many years, alone in her sorrow. He wanted to ask more, but he wasn't certain he really wanted to know. Because at the end of the day, they had still lost the child. He would only cause her more pain by bringing it up. He couldn't help but blame himself for their loss, however. "Emma, I-"
"I know, Killian. Me too." She rested her head against his shoulder, and for a second it felt like old times. Before the Darkness and all the bad decisions that had followed. Before the heartache and the anger and the pain they had caused each other. Before their loss.
But the moment was shattered the next second.
Emma pulled back, prompting Killian to face her once more. "I need to tell you something, and I need you to listen to me," she started.
Killian nodded, feeling dread build in his gut. Whatever was coming, he knew that nothing would ever be the same again.
"I love you, Killian Jones. With all my heart. I love you so much. Which is why this is so hard for me to say." She licked her lips, fiddling with the ring he had given her. She tugged at the necklace that was holding the ring, pulling it free. "I need you to take this back. No- Don't," she stopped before he could say anything. "Please, don't make this harder than it has to be.
"I think we need to take a step back from us. We've both just-" she paused, organising her thoughts. "I think we did what we thought was right for each other. I know you never wanted this Darkness, I know I pushed it onto you. I didn't want to lose you, but I did anyway. We keep hurting each other, because we think we know what's good for the other. It's been so long, though, Killian. I've changed, and so have you." She let out a sound that was half-gasp, half-sob, before biting down hard on her lip. "Our main focus should be to get rid of the Darkness and save Alice. We can't afford to get caught up in ourselves." She held the ring out to him, but he stared at her defiantly, refusing to accept it, and in that way, accept her terms.
"Do you love me?" he asked, echoing her words from years past.
Emma looked pained at his question, biting the inside of her cheek. "Of course I do. I just told you I do."
"Then, why-"
"Killian, please," she begged, unwilling to let him convince her that this was a bad idea. "Please don't make me say things I don't mean. Do you want to hear that I don't love you? That I don't want you? I can't do that. But we are clashing swords right now, and unless one of us yields, both of us are going to get hurt. We've done enough damage already. It's just- It's too hard."
"Well, that's what being in love is, Emma! It's not always easy. There will be tough times. We just need to get through them together." His heart was racing in his chest; he had been so afraid to lose her, and for that to be a reality was gut wrenching.
"I know!" Emma snapped back. "But this is more than just tough times, Killian." She sucked in a deep breath, trying to calm down. "I do not want us to get to a place where we cannot salvage our relationship any longer. I cannot jump back to how we were twenty years ago. I thought I could, I wanted that - believe me, I wanted that so much. But I know you feel that resentment simmering in you. I know I feel it. That is not how I want our relationship to be."
Killian wanted to argue, to fight for her to stay. But he knew she was right. They had changed. They did hurt each other. They needed to take a respite from them and focus on the bigger picture. He relented, taking the ring from her hand, his heart in his throat. She smiled gratefully, pressing her lips softly against his, feather-light and just for a second. For the second time that day, he watched her walk away, his hand clenching around the ring.
-/-
20 years ago: Enchanted Forest
Emma was curled up on the window ledge, her back to the room. She hadn't spoken a word since their disagreement. Her silence felt like a dagger in Killian's heart, knowing that he had hurt her more than he could imagine. How could he have not seen it? He never meant to push her away, to keep her on the outside, but when all was said and done, that was exactly what he had done. He had been using Alice as an excuse to protect his own heart, but knowing that his love was in pain made him reevaluate his decision.
Killian knew Alice would not have a problem with his relationship to Emma. But he simply did not want to get her hopes up in case their relationship did not work out. But just the thought that he might lose her had him feeling sick to his gut. How could he ever doubt their love? There was only one thing he could think to do.
He pulled out Liam's ring from the box he had it stashed in. Alice had tugged on the chain a lot when she was child, it was simply easier to remove it. But he needed it now, he needed to show her that he was in this for the long haul as well.
His mind made up, he pulled Alice to the side, despite her protests of being seperated from her dolls in the middle of playtime.
"Starfish, I need to talk to you about something really important," he explained, pulling her on his lap.
"Yes, Papa?" She looked up at him eagerly, her eyes big and bright blue.
"You remember what I told you about your mother?" he asked softly, involuntarily pulling her closer to him, ready to comfort her if the need arose. And needing the comfort himself.
She nodded, her expression immediately turning sullen. "Aye, Papa. She isn't a good person. She put me in this tower."
Killian sucked in a sharp breath at her matter-of-fact tone. She had been utterly devastated when she had first found out it had been her own mother who had trapped her here, unable to understand why she would do that. She had sobbed inconsolably; it had been the worst moment of fatherhood, helpless to comfort his child. He had felt like a failure then, because he couldn't give her everything she wanted. And they were such simple things - her freedom and a mother. With her freedom finally on the horizon, perhaps he should make her other wish come true as well.
"You have been such a brave girl, Alice. I'm proud of you, you know that, right?" he asked, needing the assurance from her. She nodded, pressing her hand to his cheek, as if she wanted to comfort him. "Do you- Am I enough for you, love? Just Papa?"
Alice nodded vehemently, her curls bobbing with her. "'Course you are, Papa!"
"What would you say if I told you you could have a new mama?" He paused, searching her eyes for any confusion. "Would you be okay with that?"
Her brows knit together, seeming unsettled by his question. "A new mama? Would she be your wife?"
"Perhaps. Or perhaps, she could just be your mama. What would make you happy, darling?"
"I don't need a mama. I have you, Papa. And now, I have Emma," she stated. "Isn't Emma like my mama?"
Killian's heart warmed at that, his lips stretching into a wide grin. "Would you be alright with that? If Emma was your mama?"
Alice's eyes lit up and she grinned widely at him. "Yes, Papa! Yes!" she exclaimed, bouncing excitedly in his lap. "If she is my Mama, and you're my Papa...Does that mean she will be your wife?"
"Is that alright with you?" He waited with bated breath for her response, and he was not disappointed.
"Papa!" Alice whispered it like a secret, standing on his thighs, balancing herself on his shoulders and staring at him intensely. "You love Emma!"
"Aye," he agreed. It was not unusual for him to have a serious conversation with Alice. She had been the only company he had had for five years. Besides, she had always been a perceptive lass. "I do love her. And I was wondering if I should ask her to marry me. What do you think?" he asked, holding out the ring he planned on giving Emma.
"It's so pretty." Alice took it from his hand, her eyes glowing with the shine from the rubies embedded in the band. She looked very much like a mini-pirate, a fact that sent a ripple of pride through his heart.
"Why don't you give it to Emma for me? Ask her if she wants to be a part of our family," he prompted, plopping Alice to her feet and watched her scurry to Emma.
Killian watched with quiet anticipation as Alice climbed next to Emma. He watched the two of them interact, feeling his life finally fall into place. His two girls, his two loves….Hopefully, Emma accepted his proposal. He noticed Emma freeze, her hair a curtain over her face, so he could not see her reaction. He felt the nerves build, uncertain about what Emma would say. He had thought it was quite charming, to send Alice like that. But it might not have been the best decision, considering how their last conversation ended.
His fears were abated the moment Emma looked up at him with wide-eyed disbelief, tears welling and her face taken over with joy. Emma hugged Alice to her tightly, nodding wordlessly at him.
Killian covered the distance between them in three strides, tangling his fingers in her hair and pressing his lips to hers in a deep kiss. "I love you," he whispered, pulling back. "I'm sorry I ever made you doubt that." He took the ring from her hand with a shaky hand and slid it over her finger.
"I love you, too." This was the happiest Killian had ever seen her, and it caused his heart to flutter dangerously in his chest. Alice wriggled out of Emma's tight grip, her grin mirroring Emma's. Killian vowed in that moment to make sure his girls were always this happy.
-/-
Present Day: Enchanted Forest
Emma felt like a weight had been lifted off of her shoulders after her conversation with Killian. Of course, she still loved him, but taking a break was the right thing to do. As much as she had wanted things to be the same, they weren't. He had left so suddenly, with so many loose ends. It was unfair to her to forgive and forget everything that had happened. Of course she had missed him desperately the past two decades, and she did want to be with him again. But they needed to time to talk about their relationship, and now just was not it. Instead of pretending that everything was fine now, and letting resentment and anger and all the other ugly feelings build up inside, simply taking a step back and evaluating what they both wanted individually should take precedence.
Maybe she wanted to spend a few years by herself. Maybe he wanted some time with Alice alone. There were a lot of things to consider, and she would not make the mistake of making an emotional decision like she had done when she had accepted his proposal all those years ago. She had been too caught up in her surface happiness, and never once stopped to think about the glaring faults in their relationship.
Emma felt much more confident in her decision, her heart a lot lighter and her mind far less cluttered. This was healthy in the long run, she thought.
"Hey," Killian greeted, startling her from her thoughts.
"Hello." She tucked her hair behind her ears, feeling the awkwardness settle thickly around them.
"Erm, I thought you would like some water." He held out a canteen, shaking it at her when she did not immediately take it. "Don't worry, it's not laced with anything," he added, a hint of bite in his tone.
Emma sighed, having anticipated Killian's reaction. "Thank you." A beat later, she said, "We should get some rest. It's been a long day."
"Aye." He looked away from her, and she could see how tightly he was clenching his jaw. He was clearly not happy about her decision. "Where are we headed to?"
"Camelot. Merlin knows of a way to destroy the Darkness once and for all. But we have a slight detour before that," she replied. When he simply nodded, still not turning to face her, Emma gave up all pretense. If he was going to be a stubborn arse, then she did not have to be civil.
"You're wrong, you know?" he called after her.
Emma's control over her anger snapped, and she whirled around to face Killian, her face turning red. "Excuse me?"
"You're wrong. I don't resent you. For any of it. You never forced the Darkness on me. It had been my choice. Just like it was Alice's choice to leave with Gothel." He let out a breath, preparing himself for what he was about to say. "But you are right about one thing. I haven't really been considerate. I was selfish. Actually, no scratch that. I was a coward. I was afraid of facing the Darkness and I did not think about how any of it would affect you and Alice. I- It was too much, all at once. It's hard, even now. But I have you, now-"
"You had me then," she bit out, glaring at him.
"Aye, love. You're absolutely right. I was too blind, and I was scared. I let the Darkness steer the ship, but I'm in control now. Because of you, Emma. I know I have not given you much reason to trust me, but I hope you still have it in your heart to give me another chance." He drew closer to her, and as much as Emma wanted to step back, she was frozen in her spot. He grabbed one of her hands, pressing her palm to his chest, right above his heart. "This will always be yours. There is no one else for me, Swan. I know you need time, I know I've hurt you. But I just need you to know I have never stopped loving you. I made the mistake of leaving you, of burdening you with this Darkness as well. You had to raise our daughter alone, you had to deal with losing our child alone. I don't know how, but I'll do anything I can to right the wrongs I've done, Emma. But if you think for even a moment that I will stop fighting for us, you're wrong."
Emma could feel the depth of his regret and his love for her. Not for the first time, she cursed this connection she had to him. There had been a time where she wished she could read him, but being able to feel his strongest emotions was too much for her to handle. Especially now that he had his memories back. When they were seperated by realms, their connection was always there, like a stray thought on the back of her mind. But it was so potent now, it overwhelmed her. While the love he felt for her was akin to a pleasant sea breeze, his pain was like a giant wave threatening to drown her.
"If you really want to make it up to me, I need you to take the dark magic you infused through mine," she demanded. "It might have stopped me from aging, but it created a link between us. I can feel everything you feel. I could sense you for all these years. I'm- I'm not strong enough to handle it anymore, Killian."
And just as she revealed it, she felt a strong pulse of surprise, and even a hint of shame hit her; she knew it had to be his.
"I- I had no idea, Swan. I'm not sure how to do that," he stuttered out, scratching behind his ear.
"Here, give me your hand." She hovered the palm of her hand over his, but paused before she did anything. "It might be a bit jarring for you, to take the Darkness in. But I- I'm here," she offered, her voice soft, sympathetic.
He nodded, bracing himself. But before anything could happen, a swirling vortex opened up behind them, and a young blonde woman stumbled through. She looked around frantically for a moment, before her gaze landed on them. Her lips spread into a huge, toothy grin, eyes shining with rapid tears.
"Mama!" The girl approached the duo.
Emma gasped, her eyes wide in disbelief. She could feel Killian's confusion slip away into realisation. She heard him suck in a sharp breath, his words coming out in a broken whisper.
"Alice?"