DISCLAIMER: Whedon's characters, any recognizable dialogue, and the canon events of their storyline are not mine.

A/N:

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Hope you enjoy this …

CHAPTER 20

Agony and Ecstasy

By the time Spike had carried Buffy to bed, the sun was rising. She had not said what time she wanted to get up or when she wanted to be back at the hospital. He decided to let her sleep until 11 a.m. If the hospital needed to reach her, they would call. He reasoned that she was better off getting her rest before taking on the day. It would not be a normal restful Sunday.

Her head was on his chest, her arm across his abdomen. She was sleeping so peacefully that he hated to wake her. He watched the minutes tick by on the clock as he watched her sleep.

Finally, he stroked her arm gently as he said, "Buffy. Time to get up."

She rolled away from him, curling up on her side with her back toward him.

He rolled to his side and scooted over to her, reaching out to rub her back. "Buffy. You need to wake up, luv."

She groaned as she shifted position slightly, rubbing up against him. He bit back a groan of his own.

Speaking more firmly this time, he said, "Buffy, I know you don't want to get up, but you need to. You need to go the hospital to check on Dawn."

He could tell she was alert now. She rubbed her eyes and looked at the clock on her nightstand.

"Eleven o'clock?! I should have set an alarm."

"You needed your sleep. I stayed awake in case the hospital called – and they didn't. She's probably been resting too."

Buffy conceded that he was probably right to let her sleep. She quickly picked out clothes and headed for the shower. After brushing her hair into a ponytail and applying enough makeup to make her look awake, she went into Dawn's bedroom.

Pulling an overnight bag from under the bed, Buffy packed a couple outfits – Dawn would want options for her trip home. Buffy gathered some other items, placing them next to the bag on Dawn's bed.

"Do you mind staying here? In case Xander, Tara, or Giles call to get an update." She shook her head. "You know, I should really get a cell phone. It would make days like today easier." She pointed at the bag. "I'm gonna leave this here for now. I'll give you a call to let you know if she wants anything else. You can bring the bag with you later."

"Later?"

"To the hospital. She's gonna want to see you." She watched a smile form on his lips as she continued, "And I wouldn't mind the company."

[

As promised, Buffy called the house a few hours later to give Spike an update on Dawn. The doctor said Dawn would need to stay at least a couple more days. Buffy asked Spike to call the rest of The Scoobies and let them know that Dawn might be up for short visits today.

Dawn had requested a few items, including the book that was currently on her nightstand – she was rereading Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire while waiting for the next book in the series. Spike gathered the things she wanted and added them to the bag Buffy had packed.

He did not feel like waiting for the sun to set. Under cover of blanket, he headed for the nearest tunnel access. When he first arrived at the basement level of the hospital, he met up with a contact of his to get a couple bags of blood. After drinking one bag and putting the other in his coat pocket, he went upstairs to Dawn's room.

Giles was in the waiting area. When Spike had called him after speaking to Buffy, he had volunteered to call the others. Apparently, he had asked Xander and Anya to stay with Willow at his apartment so that he could come see Dawn. As Spike was talking with Giles, Buffy came down the hall toward them.

Seeing Spike, she smiled. "She's going to be so glad to see you."

"Me? Or the things I brought?" Spike asked as he held up the overnight bag.

"Both," she replied, shaking her head. "She's awake, if you'd like to go in. I was just coming to get Giles. She can probably handle the three of us for a few minutes."

Just as they reached the door to Dawn's room, her doctor approached Buffy. She stayed in the hall to speak to him while Giles and Spike went in to see Dawn.

When Buffy entered the room, Spike let go of Dawn's hand and moved away from the bed, making space for her.

"What did the doctor say? Can I go home tomorrow?" Dawn was her typical bundle of teen-aged energy, not wanting to be kept in the hospital any longer than necessary.

"Soon, but not quite that soon, Dawn. Looks like you get to read and watch tv a couple more days."

Her body language showed that she was clearly disappointed by the news, but she said, "Guess that's not so bad."

"I'll go pick up your school assignments tomorrow."

"Ugh! I have a big history project coming up. Not looking forward to that."

Giles offered his assistance and asked, "What's the topic?"

"I have World History this year. We're studying China right now."

Clearing his throat, Spike said, "If you want a firsthand account of The Boxer Rebellion …"

Now, Dawn was all smiles. "Wow. That'd be so cool! And if Giles helps me with the book research … my project will kick ass."

"Dawn!" Buffy felt the maternal need to wash out Dawn's mouth with soap.

Pulling a face at her older sister, Dawn edited her previous statement. "My project will … slay?"

Spike stepped up behind Buffy, placed his hands on her upper arms, and said into her ear, "She's got you there, Slayer."

Giles observed the pair – the way Spike acted toward her, the way Buffy reacted to his touch. He turned his attention back to the patient. "I'll come by again tomorrow, Dawn. We can talk history or play a game. Whichever you prefer." He leaned over to give her a kiss on the top of her head. "Get some rest."

Buffy moved aside so that Spike could give Dawn a hug. He wasn't sure what to say to her. He wanted to tell her how glad he was that she was going to be fine and how worried he had been – as much as if she were his own sister. For some reason, he couldn't put it into words at the moment.

As he released her from the embrace, she said, "Thank you for coming to see me. And for helping find me last night."

Now, he knew what to say: "Anything for you, Niblet."

Giles and Spike left the two sisters alone in the room.

[

A short while later, Buffy joined them in the waiting room.

"Not much else we can do today. Might as well head home. She was falling asleep before I left the room."

"How is she dealing with things?" Giles gently inquired.

"You mean Amy's death and the fact that Willow endangered her life? I wish I could say, 'peachy with a side of keen,' but honestly, I don't know. Right now, she flips back and forth between pretending everything is normal and spewing hateful words about Willow."

"To be expected, I suppose."

She gave Giles a hug and thanked him for coming. She also thanked him for dealing with Willow, which she was not ready to do yet.

"Are you going straight home?"

"No. I should probably patrol."

"Right. But then make sure you get some sleep."

"Yes, Giles," Buffy said with an extreme eyeroll.

As she and Spike were leaving the hospital together, she mentioned that the police had come by to take Dawn's statement.

"I'm glad I had a chance to talk to her before the officers got here. Some details would give them the wiggins. I helped her put the story into bite-sized swallowable chunks. They wanted a better idea of – but didn't get … and so wouldn't get – the situation with Amy. Seems like they're writing it off as Amy still being 'troubled' after having been 'missing.' I can't imagine how hard this is on her dad. At least, she went to see him the other day."

"When are you going to go see Willow?" Spike asked.

"Tomorrow, I think. Giles said that she's really upset about what happened – about Amy's death and freaked about how out of control she got. She's also feeling guilty for what happened to Dawn and how much worse it could have been."

"Understandable." He paused and studied her face, trying to read beyond what she was saying. He could tell that she was still fuming over what Willow had done. "She could probably use her best friend right about now."

She sighed, knowing he was right, but unsure if she was capable of that yet. "I know. I just don't want to see her while I'm still angry – or at least, I'd like to be less angry when I see her."

[

They talked a bit more while they patrolled. Most of the usual vampire haunts were quiet. However, in one cemetery, they got into quite a fight with three vamps. In the end, they dusted all three, but it was intense. Buffy actually broke a sweat before it was over.

She and Spike stood facing each other after the dust settled. Adrenaline surged through her and a burst of energy flooded his system. She felt a familiar need gnawing at her insides. She had frequently felt this way when she fought alongside Angel or Riley – the desire to work off excess energy after a fight. But this was the first time she had felt this way with Spike.

Feeling the need to touch him, she reached out, but at the last second, she chose to brush something off his sleeve. Rather than say what she was feeling, she chose to say, "I'm hungry. Let's head home."

As they took the shortest route back to her house, they walked in silence. He could tell she had something on her mind; he definitely had something on his.

His home was on the way back to hers, but he wasn't ready to say goodnight yet.

[

When they got back to the house, they dropped their coats and went to the kitchen. She had not even decided what she wanted to eat before she was distracted by another physical need. He was standing a few feet away from her, but the way her skin tingled, they might as well have been touching.

She continued looking for something to eat, something to distract her from the distracting attraction.

He was talking. She heard the words, but was not taking in the meaning. When he started, it didn't seem like anything too important. So she decided to put her energy into controlling her feelings.

At some point, he asked if she was listening. She responded, "Mm-hmm." But she hadn't been. And he must have known that.

He grabbed her upper arms and turned her body to face him. Even when he asked her to look at him, she was unwilling to make eye contact.

For a long moment, they stood there, wondering if the other was thinking the same thing. Finally lifting her face to look at his, she was not surprised by what she found there – an expression that seemed to mirror her own. The air between them was electric.

His hands were still on her arms. Time seemed to stand still. When it began to move again, her hands went to the sides of his face as her lips crashed into his.

There was no gradual buildup – this kiss was not the slow, tender type they had shared lately. This kiss was fueled by need and desire of the urgent and ravenous kind. His strong arms encircling her, he walked her backward until she was sandwiched between him and the island. He leaned his weight away from her just long enough to lift her up onto the counter. Instinctively, her legs wrapped around him and she hooked her ankles together.

As he nibbled down her neck, the taste was familiar. Even the sounds she made reminded him of his time with future-Buffy. This cleared the haze of lust just long enough for him to push the pause button.

He removed his hands from her and placed them on the counter just beside her hips. He leaned his forehead on her shoulder as he said, "We should—"

She cut him off, saying, "Go upstairs." Her words began to dissolve what little resolve he had.

"Not what I was going to say." He stepped away from her and put his hands in his pockets, studying her.

Hopping down from the counter, she said, "Well, then, your words and actions don't quite jive." Her confusion was obvious in the tone of her voice.

"Buffy," his voice was gentle as he began, "with everything that's going on, I'm not sure that … it's such a good idea."

Thinking back to a few moments she had shared with Angel – particularly the night of her mom's funeral, when he had sat with her all night – her mind connected dots to this moment. She attempted to assure Spike that she was in control of her emotions and actions. "This isn't about me being needy because of Dawn … or it would've happened last night."

He continued to study her as he asked, "Then, what is this about?"

"What is it usually about?"

Everything in him wanted to give in, but a mental picture of future-Buffy's face flashed in his mind – her expression as she implored him to not rush things. He replied to her question, "Waiting won't change that." The irritated look on her face caused him to explain further. "I'd rather you wake up sexually frustrated and still want to jump me ... than you wake up, regret your actions, and want to stake me." He watched her expression soften. "Let's both get some sleep."

She walked toward the hall to go upstairs. When she saw him heading into the living room, she questioned, "What are you doing?"

"Sleeping on the couch, luv."

With a half-smile, she nodded at him. "See you in the morning."

He listened to her boots on the stairs and her movements on the floor above as she got ready for bed.

Lying there in the living room, Spike was thinking about the time he spent with future-Buffy in the bedroom. He recalled those moments with all of his senses – the feel of her hands on him, the taste of her on his tongue, the scent that was distinctly Buffy, the look in her eyes as desire flooded her system. But right now, the sense memory that was overwhelming him … the moans and labored breathing that he longed to hear again. His imagination was so alive he would have sworn that he was hearing those sounds right now.

Then, he realized he was hearing something from upstairs. He was hearing her.

[

[

The next morning, she woke up before him. After the shower stopped, he heard her footsteps going back and forth between her bedroom and the bathroom.

He gave her a few more minutes before he went upstairs. She was in bathroom fixing her hair. He leaned against doorframe, watching her.

When she turned to look at him, he raised an eyebrow and said playfully, "You had better have been thinking about me."

"What?"

"Last night. I could hear you."

Her eyes went wide and her face began to redden. All she could manage to say was, "Oh."

"Certainly sounded like an O." He smirked as he studied her reactions, including her racing heartbeat. "So … were you?"

She swallowed before speaking. "Thinking of you ... at that ... moment?"

His eyes were full of mischief, while his face was serious. The overall effect was seductive. He moved toward her until he was in her personal space. His voice was deep and resonant as he said, "Answer me, pet."

After a long moment of hesitation, she made the decision to kiss him – a long, slow kiss with her eyes open. Her response hummed between them: "Mm-hmm."

He growled into her mouth and clawed at denim covering her hips.

After a couple minutes, they both allowed the intensity of the kiss to decrease. Then, Spike allowed her to pull out of his arms. As she went back to primping in front of the mirror, he stood behind her, staring at her eyes in the reflected image.

[

When she had finished breakfast, Buffy called Xander to see if he was planning on visiting Dawn today. He said he was going to drop by during his lunch break. From that, she formulated a schedule for the day: she and Spike would go to the hospital first; Spike would stay there and she would go to the school to pick up Dawn's assignments; then, Buffy would drop by Giles' apartment to see Willow; she should have plenty of time to visit Dawn before dinner. Of course, she would patrol later in the evening.

And so it went.

Buffy was able to talk to the doctor first thing when they got to the hospital. He said that unless anything changed, Dawn would be discharged tomorrow. While Dawn ate her breakfast, the two sisters watched tv and talked. Buffy tried to gently prod Dawn to talk about her anger toward Willow, as well as Amy's death. During that time, Spike sat in the waiting room.

When she finished the conversation with Dawn, Buffy walked down the hall toward Spike. He stood and moved to meet her halfway. After they spoke for a few minutes, it was clear to him that she was about to turn to go. He reached up to cup her face in his hands – watching her eyes, trying to read the moment. He opted to kiss her on the forehead, but held his lips there for a few seconds. It warmed his unbeating heart when he heard her sigh contentedly.

As Buffy started toward the elevator, Spike walked into Dawn's room and pulled a deck of cards from his coat pocket. He had come prepared to keep Dawn busy. Buffy turned back and stood just outside the open door for a minute – watching him with her sister, getting a glimpse of what he had done for Dawn while she was gone. It was obvious how much he cared about Dawn, in much the same way he had cared about their mother. It boggled her mind how an enemy – at times, the bane of her existence – could become a friend as close as family. And now, after the way things had been lately, what were they to each other?

That train of thought would have to wait. She had a full day ahead of her.

[

Fortunately, the stop at the school only took about ten minutes. Dawn's teachers had prepared her assignments and taken them to the office. As Buffy looked through the stack, she saw notes which included not only detailed instructions for Dawn, but also well-wishes for a speedy recovery.

Arriving at Giles' door, Buffy stood there for a moment, unable to make herself knock. She had planned to take some time to process her anger toward Willow. Although she had not exactly avoided it, she had a lot going on the past couple days. She was reminded of what Spike had said about Willow needing her best friend. Finally, Buffy rapped on the door.

Giles opened the door and moved aside to let her enter. They nodded at one another, eye contact saying more than words ever could.

Willow was sitting on the couch with a mug in her hand. When she saw Buffy, she put her drink down on the coffee table and stood nervously. "Buffy … I didn't know … that you would be …" She looked down, took a deep breath, and continued, "… um … I've thought about what I need to say to you …"

Buffy walked around to where Willow stood and took her hand. "Will, hold that thought. Right now? I want to know how my friend is doing."

Tears formed in Willow's eyes and her face softened. Buffy put her arms around her and held her as she cried. Once she had stopped sobbing, they let go of one another and sat down on the couch. Giles brought a box of tissues and quietly excused himself to the loft, where he would be able to hear, but they would have some privacy.

"How am I?" Willow began. "Physically, I'm fine. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. I can't believe that Amy's dead … and that I put Dawn's life and my own at risk like that. You hear people talk about getting 'a wake-up call' and … you think you know what that means … until you get one yourself."

After her own post-grave trauma, Buffy could recognize that Willow needed to be given time and space to say what she needed to when she was ready to.

Willow rambled her way through guilty thoughts and confused emotions. She explained that when she turned Amy from rat to human, she did not have a motive – she just all of a sudden realized that she could. But once Amy was back, she did enjoy having another magically inclined friend around. Enjoyed it way too much. She had already been on a slippery slope with the magicks. She hadn't been ready to admit it, but Tara had seen it and tried to help her. It scared her how quickly she had slipped down to the bottom – it only took a matter of days with Amy at her side. It scared her to think how much worse things could get. She did not want to find out.

Giles had told Willow stories from his Ripper days – some that Buffy had heard, some that she hadn't. Normally, he preferred to keep his experiences close to the vest, but in this case, his rash, arrogant behavior could serve as a cautionary tale and a guide toward the path to redemption. He had been trying to get through to her since she had brought Buffy back. She was finally ready to listen.

When Willow had exhausted that topic, she looked down at her own lap, playing with a tissue. "How much does Dawn hate me?"

"Hate is a strong word. Honestly, she hasn't talked much about it. When she was giving her report to the police, I could hear in her voice that she was angry at you … and worried about you. I've tried to talk to her about that night, but I haven't gotten very far. She's still on pain meds, so she's a little loopy."

"When can I see her?"

"Probably best to wait until she's home. Give it a couple days. I'll try to talk to her again."

"Okay. I just want to make things right with her … with you … with … well, everyone. Giles and I have been talking about some options. I know I need help. We're putting together a plan."

"That's good to hear, Will. And you know that we all want you to get better. You may have to be patient for some of the group to come around, but I don't think anyone hates you." Buffy changed to a more upbeat tone as she asked, "So tell me about this plan."

"One thing's for sure … I'm gonna drop out this semester. Need to focus on getting my head together and repairing relationships. The question is where I'm gonna be while I do that. Giles talked to a friend in England. There's a chance that he may be able to get me into a program where they help people detox and rehab from addiction to dark magicks. And then they help you find a happy balance of your gifting in harmony the Universe."

"You mean … you'll still be able to do spells without it being …"

"Destructive and self-destructive?" Crossing her fingers, Willow attempted a smile. "Here's hoping."

The two of them continued talking for a while – including the fact that she needed to get the rest of her things from Buffy's house. One way or the other, she would not be living there for the foreseeable future.

Eventually, Giles rejoined them. He offered to take Willow over to the house later in the day in order for her to pack up her things.

A short while later, he walked Buffy out so they could speak in private. He confirmed what Willow had told her about the rehab program. He would hear from his friend in the next few days about when they might have an opening for her. In the meantime, he felt it best if Willow stayed with him. He had been able to come back from his use of dark magicks. He hoped that his experience would prove helpful to Willow in her journey ahead.

[

When Buffy got back to the hospital, she heard about Xander's lunchtime visit. She was pleasantly surprised to hear that Tara dropped by between classes.

Although Dawn was not excited when Buffy handed her the stack of books and papers from school, she was happy to see a note from her favorite teacher. While Dawn completed an English worksheet, Buffy talked to one of the nurses for an update.

Spike stayed in Dawn's room and looked at her World History textbook to see how they had covered the Boxer Rebellion. He had some complaints about their revisionist approach to history. He thought to himself: Maybe Watcher Boy will have a book or two that will back up my account.

When Buffy returned to the room, Spike went in search of blood for himself and food for Buffy. Dawn started on her math while Buffy looked over her English homework. After Spike returned, they sat together, watching tv and eating dinner.

Although Buffy wanted to stay, she and Spike needed to patrol. Kissing her sister, she said, "Goodnight. See you tomorrow."

Before they left, Dawn asked Buffy to turn off the tv and hand her the Harry Potter book in her bag.

[

Patrol did not take long. Thankfully, Sunnydale had been displaying a little less than its usual Hellmouthiness. That was a welcome change of pace with Dawn in the hospital.

When Buffy and Spike got back to the house, everything initially seemed like a typical night – the friendly banter and casual interaction that had become the norm when they spent time together. However, it did not take long before things began to heat up. Again, Spike was trying to take future-Buffy's advice – to be a gentleman and take it slowly. But his desire and Buffy's persistence made that increasingly difficult.

Buffy started to ask: "Don't you want—"

Spike tilted his head as he replied. "You know I do."

"Then, what?"

"I was prepared to wait … longer."

"I don't wanna wait. I'm alive – again. People die in this town every day. Who knows how many more days any of us gets? I just want … to feel alive."

Her words hung between them. She waited for his response. In the silence, he processed her words at lightspeed – filtering them through everything that future-Buffy had told him.

He had been in love with her for a year, maybe longer than that – after all, Dru had seen it before he did. Now, Buffy stood before him, offering herself to him. And he was questioning if it was too soon, if it would mess up their future together.

She stepped toward him and placed her hands on the sides of his torso. "Spike?"

Even if his brain had been able to form words, they would have gotten stuck in his throat. He chose instead to kiss her.

This kiss was gentle and unhurried. At least, that's how it began. Then, like kindling catching fire, the moment ignited. His hands were in her hair; her hands tugged at the hem of his tshirt and found his skin.

Without further deliberation or conversation, he picked her up and carried her up the stairs to her bedroom.

Soon, their clothes were in clumps on the floor. In a few short minutes, the sheet and blanket on her bed were a tangled mess.

As he attended to her need, images of memories with future-Buffy were flashing through his mind. For this Buffy, it was their first time together. Since there was no countdown clock, there were no time constraints.

Everything about her was just as he remembered. Yet, better somehow. Maybe because that had felt like a dream and this … this felt more real than anything he had experienced during his years on this planet.

Hearing the sounds she made under his touch drove him wild. But when she looked at him – her eyes filled with longing – and she said words like "yes" or "harder" or "more" … that was almost enough to send him over the edge. A year ago, he could only dream of the real Buffy in his arms, their bodies moving in unison, the two of them connecting this way.

But as with most things, reality is better than fantasy. Her strength meeting his as they joined … it was damn near perfection. They were not just creating a moment. As they climaxed together the first time, she looked into his eyes and he could feel it – they were creating a connection, a bond. It was different than the bond he had had with his sire Dru. And in truth, it was more intense.

Exhausted from their passionate exertion, they held one another during a brief respite before round two. The room was silent, but the jukebox in his mind cued up Modern English: "I'll stop the world and melt with you …"

And melt they did.

After they finished the second time, Spike realized something. When he had been with future-Buffy, she knew his body intimately and he had been the one to take the time to become familiar with hers. This time, it was the other way around. After Buffy had come down from the high of her first orgasm, she had explored his body thoroughly and took pleasure in finding out what caused him to react.

During the course of their sex marathon, changing positions flowed as seamlessly as longtime lovers. Nothing had felt this right for either of them in a long time. When they came together, neither one could hold back their verbal reactions. It was a bloody good thing the house was empty.

Their overwhelming need now satisfied, they collapsed, limbs tangled together. After a moment, Buffy repositioned herself, trying to get more comfortable. Several minutes later, she rolled toward the nightstand to see the clock. Spike could tell there was something on her mind. It made him wonder if she had felt the same thing he had.

Cautiously, he asked, "Did you want me to go … before sunrise?"

She shook her head. "No."

Before curling up beside him, she leaned over to set the alarm clock. They both settled in for a short night of sleep.

Nearly an hour had passed – the two of them spooning, his arm draped over her. She assumed he was asleep; he could tell she was not.

He nuzzled her neck and whispered, "Something keeping you awake?"

She did not answer immediately, just lightly ran her fingertips along his arm. Rolling toward him, she was unsure how to respond.

Stroking the side of her face, he asked, "What is it?"

Avoiding his eyes, she played with the hem of the sheet and struggled to put her thoughts into words. "I'm the Slayer. You'd think if I can handle an apocalypse that the so-called 'small stuff' wouldn't get to me." She paused and he waited for her to continue. "When your first boyfriend's response to having sex with you is to turn evil and the next guy you sleep with freezes you out … and your next boyfriend needs supplemental thrills from vamp whores …" She took a deep breath before finally getting to the point: "It can make a girl a bit paranoid."

"I'm not sure what you're getting at, luv."

"Well … you've been around much longer and have … much more experience than I do. I'm gonna guess that Drusilla was fairly adventurous in the bedroom. That's a lot to compete with."

Spike propped himself up on one elbow and used his other hand to turn her face toward him. "You don't need to compete with anyone. You won my heart a long time ago. Game over."

"But you haven't really said anything …"

"Buffy," he said softly before kissing her forehead. "Only because I don't really have words to … but if you need to hear words …" He took in a breath he didn't need and sighed as he said, "You fracture me. In all my years, no one else has had this effect on me. And tonight … being with you … it's a revelation. The things that I felt or experienced before … they were cheap substitutes. I see that now."

She stared at him as she took in his declaration. "Wow … um … that's more than … well, I just wanted to make sure you weren't disappointed."

He let out a laugh. "You're kidding, right? The other guys you've been with were fools to let you go, idiots for treating you that way and making you feel like there was something wrong with you. Buffy … I could never be disappointed."

As she smiled at him, she seemed to relax.

Taking the opportunity to tease her a bit, but also open up a possible future conversation, he said, "But … if there's ever anything you want to try … just let me know." Raising an eyebrow and giving her a crooked smile, he slowly leaned toward her and kissed her nose. "Ready to sleep now?"

She answered his question with a whispered "Yes," but her mind was still whirring.

It's not like she hadn't had sex before – she had, but this was different. With Riley, something was missing – she had felt it too. With Parker, she had been too hurt when he moved on to new conquests for her to put it in perspective at the time, but once you got past the sweet talk he used to lure a girl into bed, he really didn't have much to offer. With Angel, partly because it was her first time, it took on a fairy-tale quality in her memory. He had made her feel safe and loved – until the following day, when she met Angelus. Mythic as it had been, she didn't recall feeling the intense reactions that Spike had been able to provoke from her.

From the moment Spike began touching her earlier that night, she was unsure where he stopped and she began. Not only did the earth move when she came, she felt something inside shatter. And yet, she felt like the shattered pieces of herself had been made whole again. She couldn't make sense of it, but it felt right. She felt right. For the first time in a long time.

A/N:

Rough draft of Chapter 21 is written. Hope to have it posted before NaNoWriMo begins.

Thanks so much for reading! As always, feedback welcome and appreciated.

Until next time …

~Jen

9 October 2017