Prince of Heart- In this chapter Dave teaches us a valuable lesson about love. Also: Eridan ruins a nice dress. Like seriously, that was a sweet fucking dress.

Eridan groaned as he awoke, rubbing his head and staring at the barren metal ceiling above him to gain his bearings. The soft cloth that he had to sleep on as a poor excuse for a recuperacoon ruffled as he turned his head to focus on his single light bulb that hung from the ceiling. Eventually he got adjusted to the sight, and sat up slowly, still holding his head. His room was still quite barren, despite the fact the group had been on the meteor for two years now; only a couple of shelfs with random bits and bobs on them, the aforementioned cloth that he slept on, and a small closet that held various iterations of his same outfit. Eridan sighed and stood up, stretching out his arms and yawning, before proceeding over to his closet to put on some clothes.

Exiting the room, he smacked his lips once and made his way to the library, where he at least knew Rose would be hanging out. Once there, he searched through the filled bookcases to find the Seer, whom he spotted at a large table in the middle of the room sitting across from Dave of all people. She had a beverage in her hand and, to his surprise, was wearing a fairly formal orange dress, flowy at the bottom while showing a little cleavage at the top, and sat facing away from the table. Meanwhile, Dave had a set-up of electronic equipment laid in front of him, silently mumbling things into a microphone before shaking his head and seemingly scolding himself.

Rose took a sip from her beverage, before noticing Eridan and giving him a smile. "Well look who finally woke up!"

Eridan slid his hand through his messy hair, and replied, "wwell i wwish i didnt havve to hurt myself to wwake up. it gets fuckin annoying and i get a destructivve headache."

"Oh, well ain't that somethang?" Rose said in a strange accent she didn't usually speak in.

"wwhat wwhy did you do that?" Eridan asked, confused.

"Why did I what do?"

"wwhat the fuck is happenin are you off your fuckin glands?"

"Nah, I'm fine!" Rose insisted, attempting to grab his arm unsuccessfully.

"youre actin strange rose its wweirdin me the fuck out." He took the glass from her hand and sniffed the liquid, recoiling away in disgust. "wwhat is this stuff anywway?"

"That, my friend, is happiness in a cup." She grabbed the drink back, some of it sloshing onto Eridan's shirt. "I was alchemising shiz earlier and I was like, 'fuggit, I'll make some booze and cut loose a little.'"

"wwhat? wwhat the hell is booze?"

"Ya know, alcohol. Stuff that gets you intoxicated."

"like wwine?" Eridan asked, prompting a hearty laugh from Rose.

The Seer wiped a tear from her eye. "Sure, sure. Except this is the real stuff; I've only had one glass and I already feel kinda tipsy! I thought you were a pirate, why would you drink wine and not whiskey?"

"cause wwhiskey tastes fuckin disgustin and i dont need that shit if im goin to scourge the high seas."

"Pfft, whatever you say chump."

Eridan looked annoyed at Rose, narrowing his eyes. "youre kinda mean wwhen youre like this its pretty…" Eridan's face lit up, "…cool. wwhat evven prompted you to start this behavviour?"

Rose shrugged. "I dunno, I was thinking about hanging out with Kanaya later and I got weirdly nervous, so I made some booze to take the edge off."

"wwait," Eridan stopped her, "youre finally goin on a date wwith kan?"

"Weeell, I don't know if it's a date per se, just the two of us talking 'bout life and having fun with just the company of… each… other. Oh my God," Rose realised, "I guess it is a date. Fuck, all the more reason!"

She took another sip of her drink, and Eridan scowled. "i dont think you should be like this on a date with kan it seems kind of wwrong."

"Nah, it's fine, I don't need you worrying about me."

"i really dont wwant you to ruin any chance you havve wwith her," Eridan insisted. "i wont let you."

"Oh yeah?" Rose mocked. "Well what are you going to do about it?"

She raised the glass to her mouth, and in one swift movement, Eridan brang his hand down and smacked the drink from her hand, making the liquid spill out all over her dress and the glass clink to the floor, still intact. Rose held out her hand as if she were still holding her drink, and slowly glared up at Eridan with her mouth slightly open in shock.

She eventually stammered out, "Why?"

"because i wwill not let you ruin your relationship wwith kan!" Eridan replied.

"And this was your best solution, huh?"

"holy shit!" Dave exclaimed, placing his headphones down. "are we having a makeshift wet tshirt contest?"

"Dave no I-"

"nope dont try and trick me cthulu chick ill show you how a pro fucking does it!" He looked around the room, searching for a source of water. "fuck where do we keep the not fuck buckets around here? nice lingerie by the way your dress is ridiculously transparent."

Rose rolled her eyes and sighed angrily, "Yes, I realise that Dave. It's taking all I have not to strangle the culprit right now." The Seer stood out, keeping her arms outstretched to keep them dry. "I'm going to find a towel or so-"

"Whats Going On Here?" Kanaya asked, entering the library, surprisingly no longer glowing white.

"Oh, Kanaya," Rose said, surprised. "I'm sorry for alarming you, but we had a bit of a…" she glared at Eridan, "…situation."

Kanaya examined her up and down, before pointing a finger at her and mentioning, "Are You Aware That Your Dress Is Awfully Moist?"

"Yes, but please don't use that word. Look, we may have to put off the date for another time."

"Oh!" Kanaya realised. "So This Solicitation Was A Date? Well That Is Nonsense I Can Help You Out Of That Dress And Into Something Else."

"Are… are you sure about that?"

"Completely. It May Not Be An Ideal First Date But We Could Still Have Fun!"

Rose looked at the excited Sylph, and said matter-as-factly, "You want to dress me up in various clothes, don't you?" Kanaya nodded happily. "Well, fuck it, why not?"

Kanaya clapped her hands once. "If It Makes You Feel Better I Would Be More Than Happy To Take My Clothes Off As Well."

"Oh," Rose let out, blushing and wrapping her arm around the Sylphs'. "Well, if you insist!"

The two disappeared into the door near the table, and Dave let out an impressed whistle. "damn dude youre like a fucking matchmaker extraordinaire who doesnt even realise how many babies are getting made because of him."

"babies?" Eridan questioned.

"or wrigglers i guess. those two are about to get down and god damn dirty do the dew but there aint any mediocre soft drinks associated with pro gaming in this session only damn passionate vampire x goth chick mating. theyre going to spit a troll human hybrid out and you better be damn sure were going to be there with a shotgun to put that freak of nature out of its misery. might even be doing the ugly bastard a favor."

"wwhat the fuck are you on about?!" Eridan exclaimed.

"dude the basic is that those two are skyrocketing to fifteenth base."

"fifteenth base?"

"oh shit you dont know about the bases? then sit the fuck down because im about to school yo ass."

"please dont," Eridan annoyingly pleaded, "i dont think anyone wwants to hear this bullshit."

"so," Dave began, prompting a groan from Eridan, "when it comes to love and quadrants and whatever the fuck there are fifteen levels that you take the relationship. first base is holding hands a true expression of love. third base is hugging. seventh base and forgive me if it send chills down your damn spine is kissing. for five seconds." The Knight mocked a shiver. "shits way too saucy for your innocent mind. tenth base is groping. twelfth is getting naked for each other. and finally fifteenth is getting down and dirty with your significant other."

Eridan stared blankly at Dave for a few moments, before regaining his composure from the mind numbing lesson and hesitantly asking, "wwhat base are you and ter on?"

"are you kidding me were hard into fifteenth base. like really hard. terezis into some really weird stuff you know. the first time was fucking fantastic but then things got really... strange."

"ok i get it can you please stop speakin," Eridan asked forcefully, yet unsuccessfully.

"like i was really glad when i found out that yall didnt have tentacles or some shit like that down there dont get me wrong. it made me fucking ecstatic like a japanese school girl that finally gets home from school to find out shes in a normal anime. but the excitement kind of wavered when tz started getting into what she likes."

"wwhat do you fuckin hear wwhen i say stop talkin im really fuckin curious."

Dave rubbed the back of his neck and looked down at the desk. "like at first it wasnt too bad just like role playing where she pretended to be a justificator or something like that but it slowly got more and more painful."

Eridan closed his eyes and said under his breath, "please if there is a god out there smite me the fuck dowwn and release me from this hell. or is this your punishment? for the things i havve done for the kids I havve killed?"

"it began with tying me down handcuffing me. she yearned to be the dominant. then she brought in canes and whips. and when i pleaded with her 'yo tz could we maybe cool it with the dominatrix shit?' it got worse. so so much worse. but i didnt want to say no. i really like her and support her endeavours and i think shes really smokin hot. but the bruises hurt sometimes when i poke them. and theyre always mocking me. mocking me for the submissive i am."

Eridan banged his head on the wall one last time, realising that Dave had gotten eerily quiet, silently staring at the desk he was sitting at. Eridan cautiously approached, waving his hand in front of the Knights blank face.

He wiped his forehead in relief, and prepared to leave, when Dave suddenly looked up and said, "yeah so anyway those girls are probably banging."

"do all human males havve the amazing ability to spout meaningless bullshit because i remember that other boy did somethin like that the first time i talked to him. except it wasnt about interracial relations and made me wwant to gouge my eyes out slightly less."

"are you fucking kidding shouty douche did that all the time."

"yeah but i fuckin liked kars meaningless bullshit."

"how dare you i invite you into my personal life and you spit it back in my face. you hurt me."

"god damn it i dont care anymore im goin to find kar i got to talk to him again." Eridan began his way through to the door he came through. "maybe theres still time to get kan to run me through wwith her chainsaw as wwell because thatd be real swwell."