Prince of Heart- Wow, trcked ya lmao. Anyway here's a fourty gabillion word chapter to make up for my absence.
"OOOOOOOOH NO YOU DON'T!" Vriska yelled at Dave from afar, causing Eridan and Karkat to flinch. She had stood up, a hand out-stretched and pointed towards Dave, with an obviously displeased scowl on her face and in her voice.
Dave looked over at the spider girl, her vision piercing through her glasses and directly into Dave's blank face, before he shrugged his shoulders and said, "dont what tell a bomb ass story of intrigue and death thatd make adam sandler weep tears of god damn joy?"
"I have NO idea what the FUCK that means," Vriska explained, marching over, "8ut yes! Exactly fucking that! I'm sick and tired of these side stories interrupting me! For the past three fucki- no, one and a half sweeps, I mean, 8ecause FUCK human time, I have been interrupted again and again by ridiculous side stories!"
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT DUDE?" Karkat asked, rubbing his cheeks with his hands with frustration.
"Ooooooooh you know EXACTLY what I'm on a8out," she raised her hands up and made quotation marks with her fingers towards Karkat, "DUDE. There's 8een the Gamzee shit, the diet soda incident, the fucking Christmas hat problem! Do you remem8er the Christmas hat problem?"
"OF COURSE I REMEMBER THE CHRISTMAS HAT PROBLEM, IT PROVIDED SOME OF THE MOST DEATH DEFYING FEATS OF OUR GROUP."
"wwait the christmas hat problem?" Eridan interrupted. "wwhat the fuck is that?"
"oh well fish dude christmas is this time whe-"
"I KNOWW WWHAT THE FUCK A CHRISTMAS IS DAVVE i meant the milk sippin incident you buffoon."
"Well guess what Eridan? You don't get to KNOW the Christmas hat incident, 8ecause it was such a gr8 story that the very moment we repeat it the universe might explode! I'm sick of side stories interrupting us, I just want to do this thing and kill the guy and may8e get sort of nostalgic while we jerk our 8ulges to how much fun we had. That is IT!"
"oh thank fuckin jegus i didnt wwant to knoww anywway."
"THANK. YOU. Finally, someone with sense! The 8asics are that you, that blue girl, John, and small John all died in a horrific act of selflessness that saved this team. Does that make you feel good at least?"
"a bit yeah."
"Good! Now can we get down to the 8iz-snatch damn it?" The Thief raised her hands to cup around her mouth, and yelled out, "Ok every8ody, time's up! Wrap up your convers8tions. Our tactical meeting is officially 8ack in order!"
The various different groups that had splintered off, now surprisingly somehow GREW in size, rallied in towards the Thief, who had jumped up on the fridge to overlook everyone. The new figures included a new sprite, a cat version of Rose floating off with the other sprites in the corner of the group, and… the Mayor? Holy shit, the Mayor was back after all this time! Holy fuck they had so much to catch up on. Kanaya went up and stood on his left, as well as Terezi on his right, before Vriska began to speak.
"Alright, has everyone shut up yet?"
"1 TH1NK SO," Terezi replied, crossing her arms.
"Gr8! Let's not waste another second then. I'm diving right into this. Everyone pay close attention, and try to keep up! I'll start 8y descri8ing the exact n8ture of the threats we're dealing with, and go from there. According to intelligence gathered during our trip along with some reconnaissance work on arrival, this session has four, possi8ly five major adversaries." She raised her hand, pushing up a finger every time she mentioned a new enemy. "The Condesce of course, and three Jack Noirs of varying levels of danger. Plus, there's a female prospitian of equivalent power to the strongest Jack. She's sort of an x-factor. It's hard to accur8tely gauge her threat level, 8ut I'm not a8out to take any chances. All these threats are just outside the incipisphere, en route to the session as we speak. Once they arrive, all hell will 8reak loose. That's when endgame is officially go. You only have a couple hours to prepare, so you need to listen to every word I say. Victory will depend on following my plan to the letter!"
"so..." the Rogue trailed on, clicking her tongue and asking, "wheres the condesce right now?"
"She's on Derse, preparing for the same critical convergence herself. After that attack on her ship formul8ed 8y a certain Void-y girl and fish-dude- NOT NAMING NAMES- caught her completely off guard, destroying her ship and any form of communication with anywhere but Derse, we've essentially reached a temporary ceasefire 8y default while 8oth sides regroup."
Vriska waved her arms horizontaly, a slight smile on her face, "This is not how she expected things would go. We had the advantage of surprise that time, 8ut we won't 8e so lucky next time. She's w8ting for the Jacks to get here just like we are. Once they do, she'll instantly have the upper hand, and she knows this. Her particular com8ination of a8ilities along with her supervillain-like cunning make her an EXTREMELY DANGEROUS part of this equation! That's why we need a good strategy in place 8efore the shit hits the 8reeze 8lender."
"so in addition for waiting for way too many jacks to get here," the Knight of Time interrupted, "were also waiting for my bro too right? who... gets here at the same time or..."
"Yes, the other Strider was 8anished to the periphery as well, and is in transit. He'll arrive at the same time, give or take, and should 8e a gr8 tactical asset. Sources tell me the dude is pretty good with a sword.
"That's me," the Equius sprite mentioned excitedly, "I'm the source, I told her that, and it's true."
"Yes, thank you Arquius," Vriska exasperatedly said.
"This Is Starting To Sound A Bit Complicated," Kanaya chimed in nervously, "How Are We Supposed To Keep Track Of All These Villains And Heroes Coming And Going When And Where?"
"You're right, Kanaya. At this point in the meeting, I think we could use some diagrams to help with the 8attleplans. Karkat? If you wouldn't mind."
"I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU PUT ME ON DRAWING DUTY," Karkat told her, rummaging through his captchalog, "I'M EASILY THE WORST ARTIST HERE. AND IN A SETTING THAT INCLUDES DAVE, LET'S GET REAL. THAT'S NO SMALL FEAT."
"I specifically assigned you to diagramming duty so that it would keep you occupied. That way, you'd stand a chance of keeping your mouth shut while I talk strategy."
"THAT'S WORKED OUT GREAT SO FAR, HASN'T IT? WE'VE LOST HOW MANY STRATEGY-SECONDS TO ME COMPLAINING ABOUT DRAWING ALREADY?"
"Sure, 8ut I know that drawing requires a lot of concentr8tion from you. Once you're in the zone, I expect you'll simmer down."
"WOW, FUCK YOU! YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT, BUT FUCK YOU NEVERTHELESS! WHERE THE SHIT IS MY ART PENCIL. I HAVE SOME DRAWING TO DO."
Karkat pulled a grey pencil from his deck, as well as a large piece of paper, and set the paper on the ground in front of Vriska, and went to town drawing as Vriska explained the plan, "Let's run down the threat list, with a full de8riefing on each threat. We'll start with the 8ig fish herself, the former empress of our world, Her Imperious Condescension. The only reason we've 8een a8le to temporarily neutralize her stranglehold on this session is 8y taking two major pieces away from her, Harley and Crocker. Rest assured, she's already scheming to reassert her dominance, and if it weren't for my intervention here, I'd 8et everything I had on the sea witch."
Karkat had drawn a diagram of the Skaia solar system by that time, eagerly focused. "She's spent centuries upgrading her a8ilities which now include 8OTH kinds of telekinesis. The simpler variety more common to rust 8loods, and the nasty kind which sometimes yellow 8looded mutants have involving all the fucking eye lasers and shit. If that weren't enough, she has a mix of telepathic a8ilities too, like mine, plus the animal communion kind more typical of 8rown 8loods."
"lIKE ME!" Tavrossprite mentioned.
"Yes Tavros, like you. This means she can hijack animals AND trolls, assuming they aren't particularly resistant to influence, like me o8viously. Humans I'm guessing are still off limits to her influence, unless they've got some animal 8lood in them, which is what makes Jade such a dangerous element here. One of the mission critical priorities is to make sure she stays asleep. If she ever wakes up, and the Condesce takes control again, that's pro8a8ly game over for you guys. Jade's first guardian a8ilities make her too much to deal with on top of everything else. It's also possi8le that the Condesce may have some sway over the prospitian and one of the Jacks 8ecause of their part-dog n8ture too. It's hard to say what their level of resistance is, so I really can't 8e sure. Strategically, it's 8est to err on the safe side though, and presume this could 8e an issue. This is why taking on the Condesce has to 8e a HUGE PRIORITY! Ideally, you should 8e trying to kill or disa8le her as quickly as possi8le. 8ut if that's easier said than done, then what you need to do is keep her OCCUPIED! Throw everything you have at her. Whatever crazy powers you've got. Just keep her 8usy! Distracted enough 8y a 8unch of pesky kids so she won't have time to get clever with her powers. This is the 8est defense against the off-chance she might 8e a8le to sway the dog Jack and prospitian, AND a failsafe in case Jade wakes up for whatever reason. When it comes to killing her, I don't have much to advise. There's no intel on her weaknesses or anything like that. In fact, I'd 8et she doesnt have any. Like any powerful endgame 8oss, you just have to keep hammering away at her until she's dead." She waved her hand in dismissal, as Karkat finished the drawing of the condensce. "Nuff said!"
"This 8rings us to the Jacks. To differenti8, I'll give them nicknames," she raised three fingers and pointed to each of them in turn, "There's Dog Jack, Lord Jack, and Ro8o Jack. Let's talk a8out them in order of threat level. Karkat, I'm going to need another shitty drawing, this time, of Dog Jack and his prospitian counterpart, please."
Eridan looked down at whatever Karkat was drawing, only to see a crudely drawn picture of two hands giving Vriska the middle finger.
"Ah yes. I see you are intent on 8eing a wiggler a8out this, as we have all come to expect. Whatever, I've 8een working within the confines of everyone's stupid limit8tions already, so I might as well work around yours as well."
She hopped down from her fridge, kicking Karkat out of the way in the process, and knelt down with her own blue coloured pencil to fix the situation, while Karkat groaned in pain beside her.
"There, perfect," she said, having drawn a pair of Kacks on the fingers. "Dog Jack is easily the most powerful adversary of the 8unch, in terms of pure physical capa8ility. The Condesce has the edge in guile and flexi8ility, and Lord Jack has a ton of offensive power too... 8ut there's nothing quite like the first guardian a8ilities to give someone an overwhelming tactical advantage. The a8ility to teleport anywhere in the session any time, or ANYONE anywhere any time, while having access to an inexhausti8le power supply from the green sun really makes it no contest, even against an otherwise awesome com8atant. If it were just him you had to deal with, I wouldn't like your odds, honestly. 8ut luckily for us, there's a major factor here which should mostly neutralize him during this huge melee, which is the prospitian. Power-wise, she's a precisely even match for him. And 8etter yet, she apparently can't stand the guy. I still don't know what her real motives are, 8ut you know what they say. Enemy of my enemy and all. So I say let her have at him, and if the opportunity presents itself, help her defeat him. I will also give this 8it of advice. If Jade ever wakes up, AND THE CONDESCE IS SUFFICIENTLY PREOCCUPIED, make sure Jade goes nowhere near the Condesce, and sic her on Dog Jack. She's the only one here who's a8ilities are on par with his, so that's where they're 8est applied. Got it? Good."
She pet Karkat's side, helping the boy back over to the paper with his pen, before hopping up on the fridge again. "Next, Lord Jack. Karkat?"
Karkat furiously scribbled a doodle; two balls with the phrase 'KISS MY SNOW GLOBES' over the top. "HOW'S THIS?"
"G8! I think I can work with this." She hopped down again, taking Karkat's place without violence, and drew a terrifying drawing of Jack over the balls. "Ah yes. Another true work of art has 8een made here today. Anyway, this ugly customer you see here? This is the Jack n8tive to the session we're in now. Somehow he got possessed 8y, or like, INFUSED with...? Lord English's crazy, ridiculously destructive magical energy. I have no idea why or how this happened, how it's theoretically even possi8le, or why we should actually care. The fact of the matter is, it happened, and now we have to deal with this hideous rain8ow-eyed monstrosity. Given what I have learned a8out Lord English's a8ilities, this will make his attacks quite lethal, and he will 8e EXTREMELY difficult to kill. In fact, that fucking rain8ow energy might just give him the highest constitution ranking of any adversary, possi8ly making him the toughest one here to actually kill off. The only reason he's not at Dog Tier threat level is 8ecause, for all his power, at least it's localized to wherever he happens to 8e. He's a8out as slow as any of us lowly non-omnipotents. He's not quite as relevant to keep occupied, or even to defeat, as the Condesce herself. 8ut he's still going to 8e HUGE TROU8LE when he gets here. You're going to need to stick some really good fighters on him. My advice is also to SERIOUSLY prepare for casualties during that fight. As the group's chief healer, Jane is going to need rapid access to the multiple fronts of this 8attle. More on that l8ter."
She hopped up on the fridge for the last time, as Karkat took his position again. "That 8rings us to Ro8o Jack. He's the Jack origin8ting from our session. Remem8er him, Karkat and slash or Eridan? We hatched a plan with him to take down the 8lack queen. Seems like so long ago, doesn't it? Now apparently he's got some cy8ernetic upgrades? Who the fuck knows how that happened, or for that matter, why or how he's on his way here now. My mind 8oggles trying to even picture the amount of stupid shit he's 8een through 8etween now and when we knew him. Put this on the ever lengthening list of gar8age that doesn't matter and no8ody cares a8out. The fact is, we have no idea what his affili8tions are at this point, 8ut like I'm always saying... 8est to just plan for the worst, and assume this is just another scru8 we've gotta kill. He's the lowest on the threat level, though his various enhancements and accessories may pose more of a challenge than we 8argained for. He's also traveling with a juju known for its high storage capacity, so he's possi8ly packing company. May8e a LOT of company..." She shook her head. "I won't get into that now though. You're going to need to reserve a squad for dealing with this guy and whoever he's 8rought along for the ride. It's a lesser priority, so I'd recommend an ensem8le of third-stringers. No offense to whoever those 8rave souls may 8e! Every lamewad has their place in an epic 8attle, and everyone's effort counts. Eg8ert-looking kid, I'm looking at you.
Jake gasped, though it was hard to tell whether it was excitement or offense.
"Possi8ly you too, Tavros. May8e." Vriska clapped her hands together excitedly. "That covers the overall tactical situ8tion! Gr8 jo8, Karkat. Really, just an all around gr8, gr8 jo8. I mean that. Now, listen... We've got to keep these 8attles spread out across the session so you all don't start tripping on each other's toes, turning this into more of a clusterfuck than it already is. That means you need to st8tion teams ready to intercept the Jacks wherever they're coming from. You also need to launch your lightning-strike raid on the Condesce 8efore any of them get here. As for your party's healer, like I said, she'll need to 8e highly mo8ile. So what you'll need to do is lay out a network of key portals and transporters so she can make the rounds, and 8e in tight communic8tion with her. One of you less relevant, more mo8ile folks should get on that now."
Vriska hopped down, and sauntered over to a large window by the group, their gaze following the girl as she stood over it and explained, "See? Scatter window portals like these around the various 8attle sites."
Roxy raised an eyebrow and hand in unison, and asked "yo did you loot my house or something..."
Vriska waved her off, "Please don't interrupt. Transportalizers will work too, if you can get them all hooked up right. This is definitely 8usywork, 8ut it's also really important. So we need someone competent in charge of this.
"I think I can handle that," the Rosesprite told her confidently.
"Yeah?"
"Yes. I'm quite mobile in this new form. Also I think my abilities will help with forecasting the optimal network to lay out, along with helping Jane coordinate her routes during battle. Plus, I have to admit. I kind of relish the idea of being a "less relevant" party member. Particularly since I think it is inherently true now."
"Ok, Rose... um. Rosesprite? That's gr8. You can volunteer for that jo8 if you want.8ut let's not get ahead of ourselves! We'll 8e divvying up the roles momentarily. 8ut, cool. We have you down for that. Again, it's critical. The whole party will need to defend Crocker's life at all costs. She CAN'T get sucked into any com8at! If she dies, you could all 8e fucked. 8e sure to fill her in on the logistics whenever Arquius has finished deprogramming her. Everyone got it?" A series of murmurs from the crowd. "Awesome. Since that pretty thoroughly covers the full tactical situ8tion, we can move on to the real strategizing. NOW we can assign com8at roles. Let's go down the list of foes again, and assign party mem8ers to each 8attle."
Vriska raised a finger to the group. "The Condesce. We'll need a team to raid Derse again, 8ut this time for all the mar8les. And remem8er, the raid has to start 8EFORE the rest of the action, to keep her from getting the upper hand. And the party has to 8e at LEAST good enough to if not defeat her, keep her 8usy for a long time. So who wants a piece of the sea witch?"
The two Lalonde's raised their hands and voices in unison agreement to go.
"Alright, I've got two takers from the Lalonde camp. We'll need more though. Who else?"
"i'll go!" John exclaimed.
"You sure, John?"
"i think so. from what you said, it sounds like this is the most important battle. if we don't keep her busy, everything could get messed up. i think i'd be good at that! i can use all my windy powers for distractions and such.
Vriska shrugged her shoulders. "Ok. You're with the Lalondes then. Make it count!"
Kanaya chimed in, "I May As Well Go Too It Would Be A Shame If The Party Defeating The Woman Who Terrorized Our Planet For Ages Had No Representation From Our Species."
"Shame or not, I'm afraid that won't work Kanaya."
"Why Not?"
"You can't join their party. Well, not yet at least. There's another critical role which you specifically need to play first. We can't risk losing you in 8attle until it's complete."
"What Is It?"
"I'll explain l8ter! After the teams are set."
Eridan looked between the fighters of the condensce, a team of humans sent to take down a leader that Eridan had followed for sweeps. But now… he couldn't help but think about how terribly she treated even him, a supposed higher up yet still in the same condition as any other troll. She really was a horrid ruler, huh?
He took in a deep breath, before shouting, "i wwill go."
Vriska looked over at him, slightly put off by his declaration. "Eridan, huh? I was going to put you on lamewad duty 8ut it couldn't hurt to have you on condesce duty I guess. Try not to wimp out once you see that Goddess waltz down here. Anyways…" Vriska whisked her hand up to wrap up the conversation. "Next foe: Dog Jack. Like I said, we're 8anking on the prospitian keeping him 8usy, so he's not an immedi8te 8attle priority. We won't design8 a team for him right now. 8UT, as I mentioned, in the event Jade wakes up for some reason, she should 8e reserved exclusively for this fight. That means someone needs to tell her, if not in person, then some other way. Perhaps leave a reminder for her. May8e tied to her finger or something." She gave a sly wink, much to some of the gang's confusion. "Others can join the fight against him if need 8e, once their targets have 8een dealt with. Until then, 8etter to let the heavy hitters keep him in check. Next: Lord Jack. Who wants di8s on this guy?"
"i guess thats me," Dave chimed in, adjusting his glasses with one hand.
"Ok, Dave," Vriska replied.
"there are all these rumors swirling around that ive gotta beat LE anyway which is probably bogus but w slash e. killing this guy at least would be the next best thing right? so maybe if i do that i could like put the "prophecy" to rest."
"That logic sounds reasona8le to me. For what it's worth, I never 8ought into the idea that you were supposed to 8e the one to kill English anyway. So that's one down. Who else?"
"OK, WHY NOT?" The Seer of Mind said as well.
"You sure, Terezi? You're not immortal, remem8er. And this one's going to 8e tough."
"YOU S41D W3 N33D GOOD F1GHT3RS TO GO 4T TH1S GUY, 4ND 1 TH1NK 1'M PR3TTY D3C3NT. 4T L34ST 4T ST4BB1NG TH1NGS. SO 1'LL GO. B3S1D3S, *SOM3ON3* H4S TO W1TN3SS D4V3'S H3RO1SM, 1F H3 W4NTS TO B3 L3T OFF TH3 HOOK FOR TH4T PROPH3CY."
"Hey, it's your decision! Anyone else?"
"WH4T 4BOUT D4V3'S BRO? 1 H34RD H3'S SUPPOS3D TO B3 HOT SH1T?"
"um," Dave raised his finger, "yeah sure thats fine if uh youre comfortable volunteering someone who isnt here for a deadly battle. its cool if you want to do that."
"Dave, come on. As if it's not extremely likely he'd seek you out upon getting here anyway. Why don't we just pencil him into the team as "Pro8a8ly"?"
Dave gave a slight sigh in response, but remained speechless.
"Just 8e sure to de8rief him on the whole situation when he gets here. Think you can handle that, Dave- Ok, gr8! Which reminds me... What a8out you, Arquius? How do you want to fit into this?"
"I haven't decided yet," the Sprite answered honestly, "I'm going to crunch some more numbers in the vast combat matri% I just compiled now, in the microblink of a nanosecond, to deduce the optimal strategic appropriation of my assets (i.e. muscles). Joining Real Dave in battle is semitempting, but I do not wish to horn in on Real Dirk's. Instead I would prefer to blaze my own trail, with my own hooves. I always wanted to do something really important and heroic. I mean, aside from all the other stuff I have done like that, which is quite a lot. But something quite grandiose, and perfectly unmistakable as a gesture turning the tide of fortune for all of e%istence. This is what I have always desired. Well, that is to say, both halves of me once had such an ambivalent desire, which was compromised by our respective internalized confli%. But together, that desire is fully realized. No longer ambivalent. Neigh, it is now fully bivalent. Perhaps even univalent. I would like my gesture to shock everyone. It must come from out of the b100, make virtually no sense, stun all involved, and have a lasting, profoundly unintelligible impact an all future and pseudofuture events."
Vriska held her mouth open wide, mesmerized by the draw-dropping monologue the red shaded Arquius just performed for the group.
"Does this answer your question?" Arquius asked.
"Oh! Sorry, I was just temporarily mesmerized 8y your incredi8le spiel," the girl gave a single clap. "Needless to say, I a8solutely agree with your philosophy on heroic action and wanting to do something important. In any case, you've earned the right to do whatever the fuck you want, just 8y dint of 8eing awesome. End of story! Ok, next... We'll need to design8 a team for Ro8o Jack and his... entourage. Alright, full disclosure. This is where things get kind of stupid. Even talking a8out this guy and his crew is pro8a8ly a waste of good tactical analysis. 8ut the fact is, he's going to 8e here, and you're going to have to deal with his 8ullshit. I strongly recommend the dregs of your party get stuck with mop-up duty on this."
Vriska began to chuckle to herself. "Really, I'm kind of laughing already. Oh man. I really don't want to spoil too much fun for you guys, 8ut. No, I shouldn't."
"what?" John sighed out.
"Ok, intelligence reports I have gathered, namely through a 8it of time hopping reconnaissance, suggests that Ro8o Jack may, I repeat MAY, 8e in transit with a 8unch of green time traveling idiots in that oven. Don't quote me on that. Anyway, if true, none of these 8ozos are particularly powerful. They'll mainly just 8e a nuisance. So who wants to deal with them? Hmmmmmmmm?" She looked across the group, her eyes falling on Eridan just before she remembered his voluntary death wish, and then on the underpants laden wonder kid Jake. "Hey kid. Kid!" She clicked in his direction, though he didn't respond. "Yes, I'm talking to you again. God damn it, what was his name again? Joke?"
"vRISKA, sTOP," the Tavros Sprite exclaimed nervously. "iT'S JAPE, aND YOU KNOW IT,"
"Listen, Joke." Still no response, so she bashed her foot on the fridge, finally garnering his attention. "Joke! Snap OUT of it! I'm talking to you."
Jake rubbed his head in shock, before gasping, "Oh sorry."
"This is a strategy session, Joke. Please stay alert. Now do you think you can handle 8eing on this team?"
"Um..."
"Awesome. That's the spirit. This assignment should 8e right up your alley, kid. Who else?"
"mE, i'LL DO IT," Tavros hesitantly said.
"Thanks for volunteering Tavros. This fight is pretty well suited to your skillset too. And you can join Joke here to help him get ready, 8ut there's one thing I need you to do 8efore the 8attle starts."
"oH, rEALLY, wHAT?"
"I'll explain to you l8ter in priv8. 8ut it's critical, and something only you can do."
"oHHH! tHAT MAKES ME, tHE FUNNY FEELINGS COMBINATION, oF SKEPTICAL, nERVOUS, aND EXCITED,"
"Good! That's exactly how you should 8e feeling a8out it, trust me. So anyone else want to step forward?"
"ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME NOW?" Karkat exclaimed, scratching his fingers down his face.
"Come again?"
"WELL, LET'S SEE IF I'M TALLYING THIS UP RIGHT. JOHN, LALONDES ONE AND TWO, AND ERIDAN FUCKING AMPORA ARE ON TEAM CONDESCE. THE STRIDER BROS AND PYROPE ARE ON THE LORD TEAM. JADE, WHEN NOT ON NAP DUTY, IS ON THE DOG TEAM, EXCLUSIVELY. THE MAYOR ISN'T DOING SHIT, BECAUSE I AM *PERSONALLY* SEEING TO IT THAT NOT A SINGLE POST-APOCALYPTIC TATTER ON HIS HEAD GETS HARMED. CROCKER IS ON HEALING DETAIL, AND LALONDE THREE VOLUNTEERED TO SUPPORT THAT. KANAYA HAS SOME VAGUE YET TO BE EXPLAINED MISSION TO DO, AND SO DOES TAVROS. AND JOKE HERE JUST GOT SHUNTED OFF TO THE PEEWEE LEAGUE. SO WHO THE FUCK IS EVEN LEFT, ASIDE FROM ME? AND THE FUCKING CAT I GUESS. ARE YOU SURE WE SHOULDN'T PICK A ROLE FOR ROSE'S FUCKING CAT LUSUS BEFORE MOVING ON TO THE *ABSOLUTE* BOTTOM OF THE BARREL, SOMETIMES REFERRED TO AS "THE VANTAS ZONE"?"
"Oh, gr8 point Karkat! Hey there, kitty."
"MEOW!" The cat boy said, his soft lisp soothing to the ear.
"What would you like to do?"
"I would like to eat some tuna fish and cuddle with either rose or roxy or both!"
"Awwwwwwww!" Vriska clicked her mouth. "Ok, that can 8e your very important jo8. Don't let us down!"
"Purr purr purr." Jasper winked at her.
"THANK GOD WE SORTED THAT OUT. NOW THAT WE'VE ESTABLISHED THE KITTY CAT IS HEADING UP THE FISH EATING OPERATION, I THINK WE CAN SAFELY PROCEED TO THE RUNG OF STRATEGIC IMPORTANCE DIRECTLY BELOW THAT. THE INFAMOUS "WHAT IS KARKAT GOING TO DO?" RUNG. AND SINCE EVERYONE ELSE HAS A JOB, AND MY SKILLS ARE RELATIVELY UNIMPRESSIVE, I'LL HAVE TO SIGN UP FOR TEAM DIPSHIT TOO. HELL, EVEN THE KID IN THE BANANA HAMMOCK IS A GOD TIER AT LEAST. SO I GUESS THAT MEANS I'LL BE TAKING ORDERS FROM HIM? SURE WHY NOT! SECOND IN COMMAND TO A THIRD RATE HERO. SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT TO ME."
"Karkat, yes, you're a8solutely right that you 8asically suck, and that as a tactical resource you should 8e managed accordingly. 8ut you aren't joining Joke's team, or doing any fighting for that matter. Like Kanaya, there's another more pressing matter reserved for you. In fact, it's the same as hers!"
"WHAT THE FUCK? WHEN WERE YOU PLANNING ON TELLING ME THIS!"
"Karkat, I already alluded to this when you waltzed over, interrupted my conversation with Kanaya, and pretended you weren't flirting with me. Remem8er?"
"OH. RIGHT. WELL? WHAT'S THIS "PRESSING MATTER"?"
"I'm getting to that! Very soon, in fact. I just needed to get the teams squared away first."
"OK WELL... ARE THEY?!"
"Looks like it!"
"SO THAT MEANS JOKE... FUCK. *JAKE* I MEAN. REALLY IS A ONE MAN TEAM, DESIGNATED FOR ROBO JACK AND HIS OVEN BOZOS?"
"Apparently. You ok with that, kid?"
"UM..."
"You can do it. Just 8elieve in yourself, or whatever the fuck. When in dou8t, just remind yourself that 8attle isn't even particularly important. And help could 8e on the way once some of the other 8attles start coming to some sort of resolution. Just hang in there!"
"O... okay," Jake stammered out.
"Excellent! That concludes the tactical planning part of this de8riefing. It's all perfectly logical, right? No questions or anything? Cool. Really, I shudder to think what you num8skulls would 8e doing if I weren't around, like John just implied with his nice remarks. He really did you all the 8iggest fucking favor in the history of time shenanigans 8y clo88ering me in the face three years ago. You should all make him a gift 8asket when this is over to show your gratitude. No need to thank me of course. I'm just doing my jo8 here. Now! Let's go over some really 8asic non-com8at endgame stuff, then we'll 8e ready to 8r8k. First, a8out Kanaya and Karkat's "mission" I alluded to a minute ago. This is really important. You 8oth listening?"
"Yes," the Jade-blood said.
"NO," the Red-blood said.
Eridan sighed, before he felt John tug at his sweater's sleeve, leaning to the side to listen to the boy, "hey dude! you sure about coming along to kill the queen of the fish? like, isn't she your idol or something?"
"idol?" Eridan replied, shocked at the accusation. "wwhy the fuck wwould i idolise her? are you sayin that just cause wwere both fish?"
"what?!" John exclaimed quietly, his face turning red. "n-no! i just thought cause… you…"
"jegus toilet lickin fuck i cant BELIEVVE that you wwould say somethin as classist as that! it's the current swweep john you cant just say shit like that."
"b-b-but i just… i was just…"
"you disgust me john. i kneww humans were okay but you must be the exception. youre a disgrace to the rest of humanity cause at least they arent judgemental."
"but weren't you like, super against lower bloods?"
"thats in the past john. i expect better from you."
They turned back to Vriska, who had pulled out a large 8 ball, with a blue and green coloured smaller ball inside, and was addressing the rest of the team again, "When you enter the new universe, you're going to need a planet to live on. Why not just resettle the one you all grew up on? The Condesce kind of fucked it up though. In your scratched universe, she spent a few centuries getting it ready for a new troll "paradise". She flooded the whole thing. So when you get there, you'll need to skip ahead to some time far in the future, when the oceans have receded. Should 8e liva8le 8y then. Hell, it may even 8e a pretty nice place! Here John," she waltzed over and laid the orb in his outstretched hands, "take this. When the 8attle is over, make sure you give it to Jade."
"what is it?" John asked, looking deep into the ball.
"It's Earth! Remem8er how three years ago you told Terezi we needed your wallet, 8ut you didn't have it? Well in the time since, we talked a8out it a lot, and figured this was most likely the reason she told you to give it to us. It wasn't a 8ig deal, actually. We spent some time deciphering the code for your wallet. It took a little while, and a few lucky guesses on the code digits, 8ut we eventually got there. Then I just used it to upgrade my much cooler 8 8all modus."
"you hacked my dad's wallet?"
"Sure. Like I said, we had some time on our hands. It is after all just a fucking wallet. It's not like it's some legendary item he got on some mythical dad quest. I mean, he did 8UY the thing somewhere, right?"
"um. yeah, i guess so. i dunno. i still think it's a pretty special thing."
"Nope!" Vriska explained, giving him a friendly slap on the shoulder. "Sorry to 8e the 8earer of 8ad news. It is literally... just a wallet. Anyway, then, 8efore I did the scouting work on this session, I rode the meteor through the g8, watched it crash on Earth, then just captchalogued the whole damn thing and got out of there. No sweat! Presuma8ly like Grim8ark Jade was supposed to, if she wasn't asleep. Again, it was a pretty good plan, she just never saw me coming. Sorry Condy, if you want your waterlogged little glo8e 8ack, you'll have to pry it from John's dead hands now."
"er…" John looked into it, the swirling clouds encapsulating the tiny world. "...yeah."
"Those are the important things to remem8er, 8ut don't forget the 8asics. Remem8er to finish 8uilding up your hives as far as they'll go. Then deploy the grist rigs which will disperse your planets' hoards into Skaia, giving it the nutrients it needs to mature the frog. This is Sgru8 101 stuff, 8ut I guess it 8ears repeating since most of you have never actually made it this far. When the hoards are empty and Skaia is ready, then all you have to do is make sure someone's in position to ignite the forge. Then everyone rendezvous right 8ack here on the lily pad to claim the Ultim8 Reward. Which is represented 8y the hive shape thingy with a door on it that leads to the new universe. Any questions 8efore we kick this into action?"
"yes, i have one," John spoke up. "vriska, what's YOUR part in all this, aside from making all these air tight plans? you've been making it sound like you won't be here when all this happens!"
"Of course I won't, I'll 8e off doing something much more important than all this. I'm traveling to the furthest ring to go kill Lord English."
"WHAT? wow. isn't that going to be, uh... hard?"
"Of course it will 8e."
"are you sure you can even... DO that? like, by yourself, i mean."
"John, I'm not an idiot. I won't 8e diving into this 8lindly. See, somewhere out there in the incomprehensi8le causal-stew of the furthest ring, there was once a plan that was coming together to defeat him once and for all. It involved a secret weapon, an army, and all sorts of other shenanigans."
"yeah, this... sounds weirdly familiar."
"Oh, I'm sure it does. 8ut the point is, along the way, that plan stalled went nowhere 8ecause the party involved disintegr8ted and lost their way. So someone needs to light a fire under that shit again, and I don't see anyone else stepping forward."
"how are you going to do that?"
"Let me worry a8out that, you have your hands full enough as it is."
"i also havve a question," Eridan claimed, raising his hand.
"Shoot."
"wwould i be able to go into the dream bubbles and come back before the fight?"
Vriska raised an eyebrow. "Why would you want to do that?"
"ivve got some unfinished business down there that id like to wwrap up."
"Ooooooh, ominous. When did you get so god damn vague? 8ut yeah, if you've got a way there and 8ack knock yourself out for like… an hour and a half."
"okay." Eridan reached into his trouser pocket and pulled out a small ring, something he'd snatched from Aranea back in the old universe. He hoped they worked like he thought they did.
"Gr8! Now that that's all set, everyone should get to they're stations."
"hold up," Dave stopped her, "i think were still missing someone from our party. like dont get me wrong im sure it doesnt matter to him if we point out the guys he has to kill and say, 'fetch', fetch meaning fucking slaughter, but it doesnt feel right to think up a battle plan without bro the second; young edition."
"Jesus Christ, fine, whatever. Since you're too pathetic to wait-"
A resounding, "HEY!" from Karkat in response.
"-I'll jus have to speed things up. Vriska to the rescue AGAIN."
"what the fuck can you even do."
"I told you," she explained, pulling out a cherry red sniper rifle, almost three quarters as tall as her, and pointed it at the sky, "I'm speeding things up." With a crack from her sniper rifle, the flash and sound causing those near to stumble back in shock, the bullet flew far and fast towards the horizon. In almost a second, the fourth wall on the ground powered up, and a pink and purple figure bounded out of it and fell into Dave, the two of them landing sitting up in front of each other.
"There you go! Strider, meet Strider." It was the same guy Eridan had met in the old universe, his Heart symbol a large tell, his outfit cut around muscly upper body. Dirk.
"He's pretty fucked up, 8ut pro8a8ly a nice guy once you get to know him. Which one am I talking a8out, you ask? Who knows! Feeling awkward yet? Here's an idea. Get the fuck over it. Ok guys, I'm out of here. I'm not sure I can take another second of this."
"jeez vriska, are they really that bad?" John asked.
"Who, the Striders? No, they're fine. That's not what I was talking a8out. There's another pro8lem out there in paradox space which I can't stand for. Not another moment. In fact, it makes me shudder just thinking a8out this lingering flaw which has yet to 8e rectified."
"oh, what is it?"
Vriska cracked her neck, standing over the fourth wall, the light shining from the other side. "My ghost is being…" she took a step back, before launching herself into the wall, "… a FUCKING LOSER!" And with that, she was gone, the wall closing behind her.
John stared deeply into the wall, looking awfully concerned, before turning to Eridan and asking, "so what did you have to do fish buddy?"
Eridan raised the ring to his glasses, looking through the hole. "ivve got some loose ends i need to apologise to. partly relating to vvriska's business as wwell but ivve got someone before that i can take care of. im makin this right." He raised his other hand, the one finger without a ring pointed out. "im makin a better troll out of myself." And by the next second, he was gone, the ring on his hand and a goal on his mind.