Caitlin lay on the floor of the White Hot Room, as Cisco has dubbed it, soaking in as much heat as possible. Thinking about Savitar reopened some old wounds for Caitlin and Killer Frost, wounds that would be slow to heal over again. If they ever healed at all. It was hard enough to watch Barry with Iris, but having to remember how the other Barry had been with her was hard to swallow.
He may have been warped and twisted by pain and power, but at his core Savitar was still Barry. Sweet and caring Barry, who worshiped the ground she walked on. He gave her everything he had, and only asked for her loyalty in return. She had given that to him without question. Yes, the Caitlin part of her knew what she was doing was wrong, but the other part of her wanted the freedom to enjoy being with the man she loved. Sacrificing her true self just to experience something she knew would hurt her in the end.
"I miss you Barry." Caitlin whispered, a tear leaking out if her eye.
Even though she missed Savitar, the person she really missed was her Barry. The Barry that used to be one of her best friends, the one she could tell all her fears to. The one who helped her face her fears and be healed. That Barry was gone though; swallowed up first by the paranoia that Savitar would murder Iris, then by Iris herself. His world revolved around her now, and there was no room in it for anyone else, not really.
The lamps clicked off and the heat slowly faded from the room, but Caitlin refused to move. Things were better now after having defeated DeVoe and pulled Barry out of the Speed Force, but there were times when Caitlin wished she hadn't come back to S.T.A.R. The pressure of maintaining a facade around the team was sometimes too great, and Caitlin would back away, letting Killer Frost take control. Now though that the two parts of her were communicating easily, they could feel themselves slowly merging into one personality. It made them both sad, but they knew in the end, only one of them would survive and it would be Caitlin.
There was a hiss as the door to her sanctuary opened, bringing with it the familiar smell of ozone and cologne.
"What do you want Barry?" Time to put up the walls around her heart again. She continued to lay there with her eyes closed, hearing the speedster walk up to where she lay. There was a sign and a rustle of cloth before she felt him sit down beside her. Slowly she opened her eyes, waiting for Barry to say something.
"You and Savitar were close, weren't you?" Of all the things for him to say, Caitlin wasn't expecting this.
"We were just as close, if not closer than you and I used to be." She swallowed back a lump and sat up, crossing her legs and looking him in the eye. "But that's all in the past now. We've changed and so has the dynamic we used to have."
Barry frowned, looking down at his hands. He was slowly twisting his wedding band around his finger, sadness hanging about him. It hurt Caitlin to see him this way, but there was nothing she could do about it. She could mend his body, but not his mind or his heart. She waited patiently for what he had to say.
"When I ran to the future to figure out who Savitar was, I came to visit you." His words were slow and quiet. "You were full Killer Frost, no hint of Caitlin left. You said you were glad that I made you the way you were. Do you still think that?"
Caitlin was slow to answer, considering her words carefully.
"Yes, I do." She reached out a hand and laid it on his sleeve. "Do I regret all the things I did as her? Yes. In the end, I am who I am supposed to be. Cold, calculating, closed off from the world around me. The Caitlin Snow from before died, and in her place I was born. My alter ego took control for a time, drunk on the power of being free. Now though, it's just us, learning how to get along."
"I wish I had been there for you when you were going through all of this." Barry shook his head.
"I wish you had too, but your obsession always has been and always will be Iris. No one else is important enough to you to even register on your radar." Caitlin sighed and stood up, needing to move after having been still for so long.
"That's not true, Cait!" Barry scrambled to stand, to block her from escaping. Caitlin's temper flared and she spun to stare him down.
"Yes, it is." Caitlin crossed her arms, trying to hold herself together. "But you know what? I am strong enough and smart enough to work with the hand I have been dealt by you. Could I be bitter about you ruining the timeline with Flashpoint? Sure, but I'm not. Before, I had no powers, I was just a brain. Now though, I am a goddess incarnate and I plan to use my powers to save us."
Barry stood there stunned as Caitlin turned on her heel and walked away. She knew she wouldn't get far, but it felt better to have him do the chasing for once. Things were always in flux around them, and after a while it just got tiring. Even as Killer Frost Caitlin never liked change. Caitlin made it all the way to the time vault before she was pulled into the room and the door slammed shut. Barry looked hurt and angry, and part of her thrilled that he had all his attention on her.
"I've apologized over and over about Flashpoint. Please stop rubbing it in my face; I still have nightmares about it. About forgetting all of you; of you Cait, being erased from my life. That's still my fear, that one day you'll be gone and so will the others." Barry sighed and hung his head.
"I can't lose you."
Caitlin's heart broke for the man she loved. Unable to help herself she reached up and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close and holding on tight. His arms squeezed, holding her close as he cried, whispering over and over again that he was sorry. It was a storm of emotion for the speedster, and she wondered when it was that he had last let go of all the pain and responsibility he felt.
"Ssshhh Barry." Caitlin pulled back and cupped his face like a mother or a lover would. His eyes were red and so was the tip of his nose. She smiled softly and asked,
"How long have you been holding that in?"
"Too long."
"Does Iris know you are this tormented by the past?" Caitlin hated to bring her up, but it needed to be done.
"No." Barry shook his head, letting her go and sliding down the wall to sit on the floor. Caitlin moved to sit in front of him, waiting for him to continue.
"I love Iris, I really do. I just can't talk to her about what goes on in a way I can with you. She loses interest and her eyes glaze over five seconds into anything I say unless it revolves around her. Sometimes I wonder why I even married her in the first place; it's not like I can share what's going on with her in a way she'll understand."
"She's your destiny apparently." Caitlin said gently. "Even if you wanted to change your situation, it wouldn't work. The by line and Nora prove that. You are stuck on this path just like I am."
"What if I'm beginning to realize I don't want what the future says will happen?" Barry glanced sadly up at the news article displayed on the wall. Caitlin looked up and saw the image flicker, the whole page changing briefly. Hope fluttered in her heart as Barry stood up to get a closer look.
"I wonder what the future would look like if I picked someone else to spend my life with."
In that moment the newspaper article changed. The story was still about how Barry goes missing in the future, but the byline is written by someone else. Not Iris West-Allen. After a few moments of the two of them looking on in silence, the article shifts back to the original one. They both sighed and looked at each other, Barry eyes troubled and Caitlin heart broken.
"I guess you can't change your destiny." Barry muttered, and Caitlin had a troubling thought.
"If you change who you are with now, doesn't that mean Nora gets erased from the timeline?"
"Possibly. It's hard to tell since she's in this timeline now. The one she came from no longer exists simply by the fact that she is here. She's changed her own future, and it's only a matter of time before it catches up with her." Barry rubbed his face, ring flashing in the light.
"Let's focus on stopping the Duster first, then we can figure out what to do about your future." Caitlin, taking a chance reached up and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. She then quickly spun away and walked through the door of the time vault.