The List: Why Everyone Wants to Kill Arthur

Summary: Merlin reads Arthur his list of why everyone wants to kill the prince. This one is basically crack (humour), so they may not be perfectly in-character.

This is based off a suggestion I received from Aaronna AGES ago and never got around to writing – until now! Thanks for the prompt, and sorry it took so long!

'"Why does everyone seem to want to kill me?"

"I have a list in my room. Would you like me to fetch it?"

"Actually, yes."'

Disclaimer: I don't own the show 'Merlin' or the characters.

….

Arthur stared in shock at the body of his would-be assassin, the hilt of a dagger protruding from the man's gut. He looked to Merlin, who looked back at him with wide eyes. Arthur shook his head.

"Why", he said finally, "Does everyone seem to want to kill me?"

"I have a list in my room", Merlin said flippantly. "Would you like me to fetch it?"

Arthur glared at his servant, then considered. This was the third attempt to kill him in the past week. Surely it couldn't hurt to have a look at this list?

"Actually, yes."

….

Arthur is a prat

"That's not even a proper reason!" the prince exclaimed indignantly.

"It's valid!" Merlin insisted.

"What's the next one?" Arthur demanded, not wanting to argue over the very first point on the list. Merlin's lips twitched.

Arthur is a dollop-head

"Merlin!" Arthur half-shouted.

"I'm just reading what's on the list!" The servant protested, entirely too innocently. Arthur grit his teeth.

"Can we skip the insults, and just tell me any actual reasons why so many people try to kill me?" he asked with a calm he did not feel. Merlin grumbled but obligingly returned his gaze to the parchment.

"3 – no. No, no. Oh! Oh no, never mind. No."

"Merlin", the prince said through clenched teeth.

"Number 8", the servant read aloud, trying not to smile at the clear irritation on Arthur's face. "To get revenge on Uther."

Arthur bit his lip, a thoughtful crease appearing between his eyebrows. He couldn't deny that a lot of the people who tried to kill him had done so in an attempt to get revenge on his father. Most of them were sorcerers, who still harboured resentment and anger towards the king for his treatment of magic users and wanted to take it out on Uther's only son and heir.

"Yeah", he agreed. "That one seems reasonable, I guess."

"Not a lot you can do to change it, though", Merlin pointed out, before scanning the list once more.

"9. To win a tournament." Arthur looked confused.

"That one was just Knight Valiant", Merin explained.

"Oh, right." Arthur nodded. "Moving on, then."

"10. To avenge family members or friends killed by Uther."

"Isn't this the same as the other one?" Arthur asked.

"No." Merlin shook his head. "That one was about people wanting revenge on Uther for what he did to them. This is about people's family members and friends who were killed during the Purge."

"But if people have been hurt by my father's actions, why try to kill me?" Arthur asked.

"There were people who lost their families, Arthur", Merlin said softly. "Their parents, husbands and wives… their children. They want your father to experience the same heartbreak that they've felt."

Arthur shook his head dismissively. "My father is a strong king", he said clearly. "He would mourn me, but he would bring those responsible to justice and move on to create an even stronger kingdom."

"Arthur…" Merlin trailed off, deep blue eyes staring beseechingly into Arthur's own. "Without you, your father would be broken-hearted! Camelot would have no heir, no one to lead Uther's knights… the kingdom would collapse!"

Arthur shook his head. "I do very little", he said quietly. "Nothing that somebody else would not be capable of."

"You don't see yourself clearly at all", the servant said wonderingly. Arthur bit back a laugh at that – how many times had he thought the same thing about Merlin?

"Let's just… move on with the list", he suggested, wanting to move away from the serious tone their conversation had taken on.

"Certainly." Merlin unravelled the scroll.

"11 – you can be quite arrogant."

"I'm what?" Arthur asked indignantly.

"Arrogant."

"You just said that –"

"Okay, okay", Merlin conceded, holding up both hands in defeat. "You may not be that arrogant once somebody gets to know you – but you can definitely come across that way."

"Need I remind your that I am your Prince?" Arthur demanded, drawing himself up to his full height. Merlin looked across at him, supremely unimpressed.

"No, I don't think I'd forgotten that", he replied drolly. "Should we move on?"

"No, actually", Arthur said, his forehead creasing slightly. "Even if what you say is true – which it's not – would arrogance truly be enough justification to kill someone?"

"Potentially", the servant mused. "I mean, it shouldn't be, but… think about it, that's pretty much what led to us fighting when we first met."

"No no, I think what led to us fighting was you being disrespectful", the prince said, straight-faced. Merlin shook his head in fond exasperation, but refrained from commenting – instead making a great show of shaking out the roll of parchment and perusing his list once more.

"Number 12", he announced. "Warriors try to kill you in battle. But then again, they try to kill anyone on the opposing side, so at least that one isn't personal."

"I'm so relieved", Arthur said sarcastically.

"13", Merlin continued, ignoring the prince. "To ensure the destruction of Camelot."

Arthur shook his head stubbornly, arguments springing to the forefront of his mind. "Camelot is strong, my death would not destroy that."

"Arthur -" Merlin began, but Arthur continued.

"If someone wanted to destroy Camelot, they would have to kill my father first. And even then, we have too many knights, too many people, who would fight for their home."

"Arthur, I'm not denying that your people would fight", Merlin said quietly. "But trust me, the city could not survive and thrive without you."

"Yes it could", Arthur argued.

"No." Merlin quelled him with a look. "You may not believe it Arthur, but you are essential for the future, not only of Camelot, but of all of Albion. And I have faith that one day you will unite the Five Kingdoms and be the greatest king they have ever seen."

Arthur was silent for a moment, stunned by the depth of his friend's belief in him.

"Wow." He said eventually. "Um… thank you, Merlin." There was another pause. "Uh… what was the next thing on that list?"

Merlin looked down at the parchment obligingly.

"14 – they want the throne." He looked up at Arthur.

"Yeah, I guess that one makes sense", Arthur conceded. "Next."

"Next is – no, never mind, you don't want insults."

"Merlin!"

"Number 16", Merlin said hurriedly, ducking to avoid the goblet Arthur had thrown at his head (Merlin had become rather good at dodging projectiles during his years as Arthur's manservant). "He treats his servants very unfairly!"

"I do not!" Arthur retorted automatically. Merlin simply raised an eyebrow – in a manner scarily reminiscent of his mentor – flicking his eyes to the goblet on the floor.

"Oh, come on Merlin, don't be such a girl!" the prince whined.

"I didn't say anything", the servant protested quickly.

"You were thinking it", Arthur muttered petulantly. Merlin snorted.

"You're the one who likes throwing things at my head."

"It's training", the prince said defensively. "How do you expect to dodge a knife or an arrow if you can't even avoid a goblet?"

"Oh, so by throwing things at me, you're actually protecting me?" Merlin asked disbelievingly, his eyebrows almost disappearing into his hairline. Seriously, he had learned too much from Gaius, Arthur thought with some irritation.

"Exactly!"

Merlin shook his head.

"You are so lucky I haven't poisoned your food yet", he said under his breath.

"I'll keep that in mind", the prince responded, rolling his eyes at the thought of Merlin ever trying to poison him.

"So, is there anything else on that list?" he asked, gesturing to the roll of parchment.

"No." Merlin shook his head.

"Well, that's good to know", Arthur said, with mock relief. "Only 16 reasons for people to try to kill me."

"I could have missed some", the warlock pointed out cheerfully. Arthur opened his mouth to respond, then closed it again, not bothering to argue.

"But you know what?" Merlin asked him solemnly; all traces of humour having disappeared from his face. Arthur frowned, uncertain about his friend's sudden change of demeanour.

"What?" he asked.

"It doesn't matter why people try to kill you", Merlin told him. "It doesn't even matter how many people try to kill you. Because no matter what, I will be here, by your side, protecting you. I promise you that."

Arthur blinked, taken aback by this unexpected declaration of loyalty from his generally light-hearted manservant.

"I will protect you", Merlin pledged, his stormy blue eyes gazing unflinchingly into Arthur's eyes. "Or die trying."

…..

Thanks for reading, I hope you liked this. It was just crack, for the most part, but somehow ended up finishing it on a serious note (and yes, I used the quote from 'Arthur's Bane'). On another serious note, my grandmother passed away last week and we had her funeral today, so that was sad.

I hope all of you reading this are doing well. Stay safe xx Camelotpointe