Too Much to Bear

Merlin is overwhelmed and struggling to cope with the weight of his responsibilities and the secrets he is forced to keep. Gwaine provides much-needed support for his friend.

Trigger warning: this chapter deals with suicidal ideation, anxiety and depression. Please don't read if you feel that this could be upsetting or triggering for you.

…..

The tremor in his hands, which had been occurring more and more frequently, had intensified, and now his entire body was shaking as he curled in on himself, knees pulled up to his chest and arms wrapped tightly around his legs as though he could physically hold himself together. His breaths were fast and shallow, and his eyes were squeezed tightly closed, blocking from view a world in which he didn't belong and never would.

He tried to steady his breathing, breathing in for four counts and out for six, but it felt as though there was a brick sitting on his chest, making it almost impossible to fill his lungs. Far below him, the citadel was alive with movement as knights, villagers, servants and the occasional noble carried out their various errands. But where Merlin sat, leaning against the parapet at the very top of the castle, the silence was broken only by the ragged breaths shuddering in and out of his lungs.

Footsteps sounded a short distance away and the warlock stiffened, hugging his knees even more closely to his body and holding his breath as he shrank back against the stone, hoping not to be noticed.

"Merlin", a voice breathed softly, and in the next moment the knight had knelt beside him, a strong hand resting comfortingly on his bony shoulder. Merlin resolutely kept his face buried between his knees, not wanting to see the concern in his friend's face or have any witness to his own pain.

"Please, Merlin, let me help", Gwaine implored him. The warlock shook his head.

"Merlin." Gwaine reached across, gently taking one of his friend's hands in his own. Merlin finally raised his head, revealing a tear-streaked face and red, swollen eyes.

"What happened?" Gwaine asked, his heart aching at the raw pain in his friend's eyes. Merlin shook his head once more, his entire body shaking uncontrollably.

"I can't do it anymore", he choked out. "I c-can't."

Gwaine wrapped the warlock in a tight embrace, feeling the younger man's thin frame shudder against his chest. Merlin's breath hitched, and Gwaine froze in shock as his friend gasped out:

"I don't want to be alive."

"No", Gwaine whispered, squeezing Merlin even tighter as though he could bodily protect him from the demons inside his mind. "No, Merlin, don't say that."

"I can't do it!" Merlin burst out, burying his head in his friend's chest. "It's too hard."

"What's too hard?" Gwaine asked gently, rubbing his hand in small circles over the servant's back. Merlin shook his head hopelessly.

"Everything. Everything's just… helping Gaius, protecting Arthur…"

"Protecting him – with magic, you mean?" Gwaine asked softly.

The warlock jerked upright, his reddened eyes widening in shock.

"What – how did you –"

"I've suspected it for a while, to be perfectly honest with you", Gwaine confessed. "I haven't told anyone, and I'm not going to. But I know it must be hard, to take on that responsibility."

Merlin sighed, slumping into his posture once more.

"I tried – I tried to –" he trailed off, biting his lip. A lone tear slipped down his cheek. Gwaine inhaled shakily, trying to remain strong for his friend, even as he felt his heart breaking with the revelation of how deep Merlin had sunk into his depression without any of them noticing. Merlin was the light of their group – the person who could bring joy and laughter to almost any situation, who ungrudgingly allowed them to make him the butt of their jokes, who rode out into dangerous situations clad only in a threadbare jacket and trousers, and who never – no matter how dire the situation seemed – gave up hope. Seeing his friend now, so completely devoid of hope, hurt the knight almost to the point of physical pain. How had he not seen how badly his friend was struggling? How had he and the others allowed the situation to get this bad?

"Merlin…" Gwaine trailed off helplessly, gazing at his friend in despair. Merlin was visibly shaking, his head bowed as though he were ashamed to be seen in pain.

"I'm sorry", the knight said softly, carefully brushing a tear from the other man's cheek. "I'm so sorry that you're feeling like this. I'm sorry I didn't notice earlier." Merlin shook his head, not meeting his friend's eye.

"It will get better", Gwaine assured him, his voice catching slightly. As a knight, he had found himself in many dangerous situations, and had witnessed a great deal of pain – both physical and emotional. But this was different. This was Merlin, one of his closest friends and the most selfless person Gwaine had ever known.

The warlock looked up at him, red-rimmed eyes peering forlornly out over sunken cheeks.

"How?" he whispered. "How will it ever get better, Gwaine?"

Gwaine didn't know how to answer that. All he could do was hold his friend close and promise that somehow, someway, life would be more bearable.

"It will be okay", he whispered into Merlin's hair. "It will be okay. I'm here for you."

Merlin clung to his friend, unable to hold in the sobs that rose up in his throat, choking him. But as Gwaine wrapped his strong arms around him, for the first time in a long time, Merlin felt protected. The brick on his chest lightened a little, and he gradually found himself able to breathe more easily. Everything still wasn't okay – not by a long shot – but he found himself thinking that perhaps, someday, it would be.

….

Hi guys, thank you for reading. I hope you are all doing well. If you are going through a rough time, please reach out to somebody– there are call centres you can contact if there's nobody you feel comfortable talking to.

Stay safe xx Camelotpointe.