Too Much To Bear 3

Hi guys, here is part 3 of 'Too Much to Bear'. I'm so sorry, I know it's been months since I posted, but I've been ridiculously busy and this chapter was a little difficult for me to write. I care about the characters and I wanted to make everything better for Merlin, but I also wanted the story to be realistic, and having an easy fix didn't work with that.

Thank you for everyone who is still reading these, and thanks for all the lovely reviews – over 100 now, which is more than I ever thought I'd get!

Trigger warning: This chapter deals with depression and implied suicidal ideation, so please do not read if you feel this could be triggering for you. Stay safe everyone. Camelotpointe xx

…

"Rise and shine!" Merlin announced cheerfully as he flung the curtains wide open, bathing the room in sunlight. Arthur groaned, stubbornly pushing his face into a pillow to block out the light. He had never been a morning person, and he had had very little sleep the night before – too preoccupied with his worries over Merlin. As the memory of what Gwaine had told him came crashing down on him, Arthur tossed the pillow away and sat up, squinting as the bright light assaulted his eyes.

"Merlin!" he exclaimed, unable to help himself. Merlin straightened up, clutching the dirty tunic which Arthur had hastily discarded the previous night, and cocked an eyebrow at the king. Now that he was looking closely, Arthur noted the lilac bruising underneath his friend's eyes, indicating that it had been some time since the servant had gotten a proper night's sleep. Merlin's cheekbones, always prominent, now looked as though they could cut glass. Had he lost even more weight?

It seemed foolish, now that he was really looking, that he had not noticed the drastic change in Merlin. Perhaps it was simply that it had happened so subtly, over a period of several weeks, possibly even months... but no, that was a flimsy excuse. Merlin was his friend, and so far Arthur had let him down. He hadn't asked how he was feeling, hadn't done enough to show that he cared, hadn't looked closely enough to see what was behind that cheery facade. But that was going to change from now on.

The King rolled out of bed and strode across to the table where his breakfast was waiting.

"I have to attend a council meeting this morning, but I'll take my luncheon in my chambers", he stated, pushing aside the part of him that wanted to alternately hug Merlin and to shake him, to demand answers and to offer endless apologies for failing his friend. He knew that if pressed, Merlin would clam up and be almost impossible to help. This was one of the most important tasks Arthur had ever undertaken, and he was determined not to make a wrong move – not when a friend's life was at risk.

The warlock made a noncommittal noise of acknowledgment, straightening Arthur's sheets and placing the pillow he had thrown back on the bed.

"And I have a training session with the knights this afternoon; I'd appreciate it if you could make sure my sword is sharpened and my chainmail clean."

Merlin looked up at this, an expression of surprise flitting briefly across his features before he schooled his face back into that awful subservient expression which Arthur would have been pleased with had it come from any servant but Merlin.

"Yes, Sire."

He was a little taken aback by this response, and then it dawned on him – he was generally far less polite when assigning tasks to his servant. He could have kicked himself – partly for acting differently to his usual self after having been determined to act as normally as possible, and partly because he should have been accustomed to treating his friend with more respect. What did it say about him if his servant was surprised to be asked nicely to complete a task, rather than teased, ridiculed or yelled at? Of course, Arthur knew that he had more respect for Merlin than almost any other man in the kingdom, but when he treated Merlin the way he did, it was little wonder that the servant thought otherwise. Arthur's stomach tightened as he realised that he could have contributed to Merlin's depression – not just by failing to notice or act on his friend's recent melancholy, but by making the other man feel undervalued and unappreciated. He pushed his plate of food away, no longer hungry.

"Merlin…" he trailed off, not sure what to say. He could train knights, wield a sword and lead men into battle with ease, but when it came to those he cared about, he had never been good at articulating what he felt. Caring too much for others is a weakness, Uther's voice whispered inside his mind. If you give others your affection, your trust, then you give them the power to hurt you. Arthur shook his head, banishing the unhelpful thoughts. His father had been a strong king, but that did not mean he was always correct. Arthur knew that having people he cared about – Merlin, Guinevere, his Knights of the Round Table – helped to make him stronger and wiser as a king and as a man. These people provided guidance, told him if he was becoming too cocky or rash, informed him of problems among the people, and would follow him through the gates of hell if he asked them to.

"Arthur?" Merlin's head was cocked slightly to one side, waiting for the king to continue. His face was a mask of polite curiosity, but the light in his eyes – that same light which had kindled Arthur's hope during some of his darkest hours – was gone, extinguished. Silently, Arthur vowed that he would reignite that spark no matter how long it took.

"Ah… just… tomorrow! I don't have anything important planned, do I?" He already knew that he didn't. He had specifically asked Elyan to take his place on patrol, and as he was meeting with the council that morning, there would be no need to convene again the next day.

"Not that I know of", Merlin replied.

"Good. We're going on a hunt, just you and me. It'll be good to get out of the city for a day", he announced.

"For the entire day?" the servant asked.

"Yes. We'll leave at sunrise and return late afternoon. Pack provisions, and have the stable hands make sure that the horses are ready", Arthur instructed.

"Of course, Sire", Merlin agreed obediently. If Arthur didn't already know that something was wrong, that response would have been a clear indicator because Merlin hated hunting and was rarely, if ever, what one would describe as obedient.

Merlin gathered up Arthur's clothes, which had been strewn about the room, and turned to face that King.

"Will that be all for now?" he asked politely.

"Uh… yes. Yes, you can go, Merlin", Arthur responded, feeling something in his chest tighten slightly. He had no reason to make the servant stay, but he was reluctant to let him out of his sight. But even when he was in your sight, you still failed to notice what was going on, the unpleasant voice in his head whispered.

Merlin nodded, flashing a smile which didn't reach his eyes, and left silently.

Arthur groaned, letting his head fall into his hands. How had he not seen how badly Merlin was doing? And now that he knew, how on earth was he supposed to fix it?

…..

Merlin deposited Arthur's clothes in the palace laundry and continued on in the direction of the armory. He smiled at those he passed, chatted with some of the other servants, and tried not to think. If he gave his mind free range, he knew it would attack him once more. He had been sleeping less and less, staying awake as long as possible until he passed out from exhaustion, only to have Gaius wake him a few hours later to repeat the same daily routine. It wasn't that he couldn't sleep, exactly. But he had found that when he was tired, his mind was less busy, less cluttered with those terrible thoughts which he knew he shouldn't be thinking, yet was unable to control. Better to be too exhausted to think, than to have those dark thoughts swirling through his head constantly.

He stopped outside the armory, and took a deep breath before stepping through the door. He was greeted with rows upon rows of shining swords, spears and maces. A variety of crossbows rested against one wall, shields against another, and an impressive collection of daggers glinted at him from a stand in the centre of the room.

He made a beeline for Arthur's sword. It was easily discernible; the golden runes gleaming in the sunlight which spilled into the room through a high window. But here in the armory, surrounded by blades and weapons of every description, he felt those insidious thoughts start to creep back again, breaking through the carefully constructed walls behind which he had hidden them and coming to the forefront of his mind.

He took a deep breath, then reached out and lifted Excalibur, concentrating on the perfect balance of the blade, the beauty of the sword, and the sheer magical power emanating from the weapon – so clear that he found it difficult to believe anyone in close proximity to the dragon-burnished sword could not feel it's power. It barely needed sharpening, really. Merlin suspected that whatever power the Great Dragon had breathed into it, it had played a role in strengthening the sword itself, making it impervious to harm or such concerns as a dull blade. Arthur rarely used the great sword for training – he worked with a variety of blades and weapons, insistent on himself and his knights being proficient in all types of weaponry so that they would always be prepared for combat – but today would be the first training session for several new recruits, and in these instances Arthur liked to use Excalibur for demonstration. Merlin had served the prince-turned-King long enough to know these things without needing to be asked. He knew almost everything about Arthur, and Arthur knew almost everything about him – except, of course, the most important things.

When he first met the prince, Merlin had disliked him. He had considered him rude, arrogant and condescending – and he was partly right, because Arthur definitely acted that way. But beneath that brash exterior was a brave, noble, loyal man with a heart of gold, who would risk his life for his people. As he became closer to the prince, the servant had begun to hope that maybe one day, he would be able to reveal himself to Arthur, that his friend could see him as he truly was and still accept him. Now, however, he had almost given up hope that that day would ever come. Arthur may have been more tolerant of magic than his father, and Merlin could even conceive of a day when he might lift the ban on sorcery. But that day would never come if Merlin revealed himself as a sorcerer now. He had lied to his friend for far too long. Any admission he made from this point on would only cement any prejudice Arthur felt against magic-users. To find out that his best friend had lied to him for years… the King would never be able to trust magic after that. So Merlin suffered in silence, though every day it felt as though his soul withered a little more, knowing that Arthur's trust, the freedom of others to use magic, and the future of Camelot itself, were far more important than his selfish desire to share this part of himself with his friend. For the sake of the kingdom, Arthur could never know how much Merlin had done for him. It was far better (or so Merlin believed) that he bear the pain of hiding his true self, rather than inflict pain on those he cared about by revealing the truth.

He could not understand that spread throughout the castle were people who saw the suffering behind those deep blue eyes and ached at it, because all they wanted was to break through that invisible barrier and show their friend how much they cared. But half a castle away sat a stubborn young king, unaware of exactly what was going through Merlin's mind at that moment, but determined to show his friend just how greatly he was valued.

…

Hope you liked it. I'm not 100% happy with this chapter, but I wanted to post something at least because you lovely readers have been very patient. Don't worry, this isn't the end of this particular story arc, but I wanted to keep it at a similar length to the other chapters. So there'll probably be another 1 or 2 chapters after this.

I wanted to ask your opinion though, before I finish this arc – do you guys want Merlin to reveal his magic to Arthur, or no? Send me a review or PM me to let me know!

As always, hope you guys are going well. Stay safe.

- Camelotpointe xx