2022

He really felt the burning desire to smoke a cigarette and he didn't smoke one for years. But sometimes, when things fell together, you got a glimpse of how he was when he was seventeen. Even he himself could feel it, hot anger, lack of appreciation, lingering feelings, annoyance.
In the past years, almost decades, he matured. After California came New York again, then Philadelphia. He settled, he grew, he acknowledged his flaws, his mistakes, he got over old disappointments. Although sometimes he had some aching memories that made him forget to breathe for a second, there were always people who were there for him. His workmates, sometimes douchebags, but true friends. He met some girls from time to time that left some scratches on his back, but not on his heart, because Jess Mariano didn't want a permanent lifestyle. He liked his drunken nights with Matt, Chris and a bunch of other people, he liked his introvert nights with just his notebook, a pen and green tea, he liked some intellectual conversations that possibly lead to moaning and crumpled sheets. Even back in New York, where they opened another branch of Truncheon Books, he didn't want to change any of that. But not long after that, everything changed. A silly drinking game lead to commitment: building up a long lost friendship that turned into a relationship and love.

But he couldn't help it. Rory Gilmore was the only person who could make him feel like this - insecure. Before coming to Stars Hollow, he never knew this feeling. He was strong, brave, cocky and when he first chased after her, it was more like a game, amusing, although he had some sublinimal feelings which he couldn't classify back then. But truth is, he often felt like placed in the second row. Even when Rory confessed to have feelings for him, she didn't make the first move to end her relationship with Dean, during their following relationship she compared him with Dean, oh, and then she chose Dean over him a second time, when Jess begged her to leave with him. Not to start with Huntzberger, who treated him shitty, who treated her shitty, who made her go to Philly to use Jess as a rebound.
Jess swallowed hardly. And now he was standing outside their newly aquired townhouse, feeling stupid and angry at the same time. A door behind him opened.
"Oh, sorry, I... I just wanted to... catch a breath."
Jess felt him leaning against the wall next to him. He just nodded. "Same."
"Listen man, I know that's all weird. But I try to catch up with Emma. Try to treat her like she deserves it. She's a good kid."
"I know. You don't have to tell me."
Logan bit his lip. "And I don't want to interfere with Rory. Even if I would like to, it's impossible. I see how she is looking at you. Maybe there was a time when she looked that way at me... but it's long ago."
"It's okay." Jess coughed. "But... please don't hurt Emma. The last 5 years were not always easy. I know you have a busy life, an own family, but... when you promise her to show up, please show up."
Logan looked at him. "Yeah. I know. I will. And... thanks for being there. For both of them."
Jess wrinkled his forehead. "Mh-Mh", he mumbled and went away.

When he returned home an hour later, he saw that the fancy car wasn't standing in the gateway anymore. He took a deep breath when he reached the door and opened it. Slowly he took off his shoes and went into the living room. The smell of wood still lingered a bit in the air due to the new furniture, but it wasn't disturbing.
Rory sat on the couch, reading a book. She heard him entering, but didn't turn around.
"So you're back?" She still didn't look up, turning to a new page.
"Um, yeah." Jess scratched his head and sat next to her.
"Emma asked for you, you didn't read her something before bedtime. She said it's her favourite time of the day."
He felt a piercing pain in his chest. "I'm sorry. I assumed that Logan did her that favour."
Rory shook her head. "Oh babe. Stop it."
"Stop what?" It came out more harshly than he intended to.
"Saying things like this. Even when he visits her, he's not replacing you. You're her best friend in the world, Jess. You held her as a baby, you changed her diapers, you've been all over with vomit and poop, you kissed her boo-boos..:"
"Geez, don't say booboos", he interrupted her.
"... and you read her every night a story. Even I am not allowed to! So, please. Don't be overdramatic", she concluded.
He was quiet. He knew he was maybe overreacting, but these feelings were there. They were real.
Rory grabbed his hand. "You're our hero, okay?"
Jess nodded slowly. "Yeah. It's just...", he struggled with words, "sometimes it's hard for me. The last 5 years were amazing - although I did so many things that I never thought I will do, drastic changes of priorities, my lifestyle, speaking of diapers and vomit, but I loved it. Every single day. I love us, Rory, you, me, Em. And I want her father to be a part of her life, I really do. I know how it is to be neglected, not the greatest feeling ever. So, he should visit her. He should have a relationship with her. And I know it's not fair to have sometimes these feelings. You don't give me reasons to feel that way, but sometimes... I'm afraid to lose you."
Rory looked at him, mouth open. She knew that it was not easy for him to talk about his feelings or emotions. Of course he got better with it in the last years and she cherished this little moments, when he showed her his inner self. She soaked them up, imagined it like a small window that allows her from time to time to look into his soul.
And seeing him so vulnerable, made her love him even more.
"Jess, you won't lose me. You won't lose us. As long as you don't want me to go, I'll stay. That sounds cheesy but it's the truth. I'm forever thankful for everything you have done for me. You challenged me in so many ways, coming out of my comfort zone, realizing what I really want in my life, being there for me, when I really needed you. Why should I waste all of this? I did some pretty stupid decisions in my life but I gave up on that."
"You did? What about those glasses with plain lenses you've bought last week?"
"Stop ruining my emotional speeches!"
"Sorry, that's my signature."
She pouted at him which made him smile.
"Sorry, Ror. For leaving today, for every other small things I do that annoy you."
She smiled and kissed him softly. He pulled her closer to himself. "And I will apologize to Em tomorrow. Will never miss a bedtime story again", he mumbled in her hair.
"Hey, Jess?", she asked quietly.
"Yeah?"
"You said you love the three of us. Still true?"
"Sure."
"You think you have a little bit of love left?"
"Huh?"
"A tiny spark of love for someone else who likes to be added to our inner circle?"
He looked at her with confusion.
She couldn't hold back a bright smile. "I wanted to tell you tomorrow after the doctor's appointment, but you know how bad I am with secrets, so... soon there will be four of us. I mean, I hope four. And not five. Who knows."
"Holy shit." He grinned at her. "You're serious?"
"Damn serious, baby daddy. So excuse me, but we're officially chained together for at least 18 years. Raising a Mariano on my own? Forget about it. So, no running away."