Oh hai my name is Vikrum Alana Scarlett Maria VAMPYRYR O'Hara and I live in Forks, Wershingtern. I am in 7th grade an d I go 2 Forks Hi Skule were I am studying to be an EDNOCRMINOLOGIST. I am vry short an thin enuf to be anorexic and I have brown hair well I did but now its Black like my soul is. I just moved here from Fargo, North Dakkkoter b/c my mom fell in love wit Wayne Gretzky and had 2 move 2 Kanada and since I go to high school in America the prime minister Justin Theroux (who iz a MAJOR HOTTIE) sed I would go back to Kintergarden if I was gonna move 2 Canader bkuz George W Bush made all the skools STUPID becuzx of No Child Leaft Behind. So now I live with my dad Rick who izx an mathmetician 4 the police department. He wants me 2 bcum a mafmetrician too but I dont want 2 because I mean come on who wants 2 look numbaz all day peeps that shit is srsly lame, I used to lik it until my evil math teach MS. AFROGATTO totally called me out and gave me detenshion and now guess what math is stupid because anything that such a major evil BETCH liks mst b some major fucking bullshit.
So nywy since my dad is always tryin to make me be a mathmertmaid I decided to become rawr. Rawr mean in dinosaur lol but its also a lifstyle and shit. Basically me and my friends ar like goths but were SUPA POSI about It, so were really not like goffs at all who cut their rists and wear all blak. My favorite colours (I write it lik dat now b/c my mom is Canadain, geddit) are PURPLE and NEON and LEPPARD PRINT. They;re colors that show how EXUIBERHANT me and my frends are because come on were all sad enuf with all the rain and shit that happenz in Foirks (did u see the movies? Its raining here all the tim!)\ Its like Drake said YOLO which meanz "U Only Liv Onetime".
Well anyways when it was my frist day of skool I leave the house on my razr scooter even though its raining b/c my scooter is STATE OF TH ART and has ROCKET POWERS (wooggidy wooggidy) that melt all the rain. A lot of people are so jealouse of my scotter but i'm the only one that can really ride it becuz the scoote r was designed by Pete Wentz and he sed "OLNY THE MOST RAWR PERSON IN THE WROLDDDDD CAN RIDE MY SCOOTER even the other guys in Fall Out Boy were'bt able to ride it cuzx they're not a sexxxxy as Pete! But as it says on my mpsace "B the Sun U Want 2 B in the World" which is a quote from Ringo Starr and he'd no about being bright becase jesus fucking christ his name is Starr for fucking fuck's sake!
So my scooter went 100 mph from th e outskirts of Forks to the school and totally knocked over that SUCK-UP prep Marelle and she sang out "OwwwwWWWWwwwwWWW!" and all of the crows pooped on her because come on man oyu don't have to sing every fucking thing you think and feel, everybody knows you can sing why dont you try and live ur life 1nce in a while. All the kidz gave me a standing ovation and as I went 2 my bilolology klass there wuz a relly smexy and pale guy staring at me! He looked like he wuz gonna vom and shit and also poop and shit i've never had that effect on ppl b4! He looked sorta goff b/c he was sooo pale and obviously frowning because yeah, i'd frown too if I was pooping my pants in front of everrybody. It was supa embarrassing. I felt supa bad 4 him. I sit next 2 him and he didn't stop! HE just kept givin me the poopy look! I trid to foucs on the lesson but it was rlly hard even tho i'm like the smartest student in North Dakoter even tho DUBYA KEEPS CUTTIN THE EDUCATING FUNDING;. I was really happy whe n Edwurd (I didn't know that wuz his name yet but I think we al know who i'm talking about here ) got up in the middle of the class and ran away yelling "I'M A VAMPIR! IIIIII'M A VAMPIERE!" through the halways.
I wuzx rel confused and kinda scured. I was woried that since I wuz so POSI and RAWR that I would make everybudy in Forks really worryied that they were secretly deprezzed and shit b/c like I said come on, it's so gross up here with all the rain an d shit. But then Mike Newtown come up to me and was all, "Hey Vikrum, don't worry about Edwerd. His whole family think they're vampires. The don't ever shut up about it. They're obviously not campires because they don't half fangz and cant turn into batz."
"What a releaf," I said
" Yah, I know," Mike Newtun says. "So I noticd ur leopard print purople stripped hoodie. It's real radd- and yr bangs are so long n strait. Do u lik BROKENCYDE?"
I smild. Things were gonna b ok.