Chapter 3 - CArlizzul

I took my POSI SCOOTER home asap. I wuz worried about Guy Feri and his ominous werds, nd I needed answers. I new that Guy Fieri wuz always on the run, so it wuld be hard to find him, especially since his MUSSEL CAR culd fly. He cud be nywhere!

"Hi dad" I sed as I threw my knapsack on the couch. Don get mi rong, I lik my dad. We're rel similar and get along pretty well, curz he stays out of my bizniss and I do the same for his. Well, most of the tim. I needed to use his DATABASE to figure out where Guy Feiri could be, b4 he could kill me, or my dad, or the other kids at the skool.

"Oh hey Vikrum do u wanna get sum donuts?" He sed absentmindedly.

"Jeez dad culd u BEEEEEE anymore stereotypical?" I asked retwhoreicully. "I'm 2 busy 4 donuts."

"But u luv donuts, ur always lik 'donuts go nuts" and whatever"

"OMG DAD CUT IT OUTTTTT" I luv dad but honestly he can b so lame sumtimes, u know what I'm talking about.

"Anyway what r u up 2? Are y going to talk all nite on da fone wif ur homies?" OMG he wuz so lame, and I told him dat nobody sez homies anymore, cum on its 2009, were not so insensitive 2 race ishues as we wer in the 6ds wen he wuz a kid. "Well, dats 2 bad. I knead to go bak 2 work. Seems like dere was a murder at the skool and I need to be there to draw the chalk line. There's microwaved pizza in the frige 4 u." And then he ran away and I had the haus al to myself and I was like "kewl" cuz I new I cud sneak down in2 the databass.

My dad kept the databass in the bassment opf our house cuz I mean come on bass and bass, where else wud u put it? They culdnt keep it at the police stashion becuz that wud be 2 obvious for the Russians in case they wnted to go and steal sum data. There wuz a BASSwurd(lol like PASSward geddit) on the d00r 2 get in. I typed in "042069" b/c thar wuz my dad's berfdaii and 2 my surprise the door opened! I waltzd down the narrow stairz until I got 2 where the boiler was,s then I lokked left and…..THERE WUZ SUM1 AT THE COMPY! He was real pale and his hair looked really white but also like it had wayyyy 2 much gel in it, kinda like if The Situashion wuz Albino. It wuz… CARLIZZILE!

'Hell0o0o0o Vikrum," he sed in his sexy n meloudiuous voice. "I had a felling u wud be down here."
"WELL NO SHIT CUZ THIS IS MY HOUSE CARLIZZLE WAT R U DOIN IN MY HAU PEDO OR SUMTHIN" I said quietly.

"haAaAaAaAaAa, h0oho0oho0oh0o0oh0o0" he sed sinisterly. "Nah b, altho I'm like 1,000,000,000 years old so if u think about it since I turned mai waif (he sed it lik Borat cuz he thought he wuz funni but he so wasn't that movie is mad old) in like 1937 she'z only lik 75 so if u think about it I'm totally a pedo. But ANYWAIII-"

"Stop it!" I sed angrily. "Enuf jokes. Tel me why ur in my bassment1"

"All in do time," he sed, and he got outta the chair he was sittin in looking at the databass. "But first lemme ask u: y don't u think I'ma vampire?"

"Dats easi, vampyres aren't real ya turd" I sed fake-stoopidly.

"Aw contrare," he chucked. "Vampirs are mad real, son! And my son is a mad real vampire, dig? And u hurt his feelings relly bad when u and that NEWWWWWTOWWWN kid says he just made emo."

I lol'd at dis. "So wat? If he's really a vampire wut duz he care if we mak fun of him? Cudnt he just eat us all?

"HE CUD!" Carlizzle sed in an omnibus voice. "He cud, and I cud, and so cud Ezmay n Rosally an Admit nd Alica an that other one 2. But we WONT."

"Wha?" I was so confused! "I'm so confused!"
Carlizzile came over 2 me and put his cold-ass hand on my shoulder. "We cud kill anybody we wanted, xcept wearwolfs but that wob't cum up till tha next book. You don't understand, Vikrum. We vampirs can live anywear we want 2. Do u thnk we lik livin in siuch a lame place? Its always rainin and there's no mall for lik 80 miles! U think I wuldn't rather live in a cool place lik Istanbul? Nah b, we liv in Forks cause were protektin all of u."

"From wat?" I said.

"Frum a great evil dat u culd nevar understand in ur wildest dreams, Vikrum," Carlizzle sed. "U need to keep iur secret so dat they don't realiz what were doin hear!"

"I don't understand!" I sed again.

"G00d!" He sed.

"If u don't tel me what yr protectin us againat then I'll tell everybody around hear that ur all vampires!"

"Won't work, n00b!" Carlizle said and laffed maniacly. "Everybody thinks were mad pozerz fangs (geddit) 2 Eduard bein so emo!" And in my hed I wass like 'aw shit' cuz I knew It was true.

"Until we meet again, Vikurm," Carlizzle said, jumpin up and runnin up the stairs b4 he turned bak n said "Carlizzle, my shizzle!" and den he ran away.

I wuz still so confused, guys.