Chapter sex. – it all cums out

It wuz several ours b4 I herd the silent shuffling of the cullins bootyful feet approaching the kar. Wen I herd the d00rs open I flung myself out from under the kar and held my fingers up like they were a gun. "Yippykayak, m-ferz!" I yelled out.

2 my surprise, I had cot Eduard off gard, and he yelped. "OMG! Vikrum! What're u doin under my kar?"
"I knead answers," I exclommed. "Wat did u mean by antoher solution?"

"I cant tell u hear, Vik," he sed quietly. "Y don't we walk like 6 miles into the middul of nowear so we can chat kandidlie?"

"L. .l." I mufflered. "I no ur relly a vampire, Eduard. Do u think I wud go into the wuds with a vampire thaty cud suck my blood and shit? Nah b, were gonna tawk somewhere where theres some otha peeps."

"Fair point well made, Mz. O'Haira," Eduard sed with some real respect in his voice. "How duz a dilapidated shipyard sound?"

"Cut it out" I sed, just like uncle joey from full house.

"Ok, ok," he sed, throwin his hanz up in the air (but NOT waving them lik he jus didn't cair, cos hes mad emo]. "McDnolads?"

"Dat wurks," I sed, and we went to the Mcdonalds in the centre of town. "Now what the fuck is going on eduward?"

He luked uncomfortabul around so many people. Afir a moment, he sed "Vikrum, do u want 2 go out?" I wuz supa confounded!

"WHUT" I SED, soudnig like Stone Cold had earlier. "Y wud I wanna go out wif you?"
"Cuz I'm mad sexy, doy," Edward sed in a dude-your-such-a-person-wit-mental-disabilitys look on his face (that's the non-abulist way of sayin it).

"Yaaa I'll agre with that in the ABSTRAKT," I sed, "But buty is only skin deep. I don't care how smexy u are, yr still a vampire and why am I gonna trust sum1 like that? I'm not STOOPID."

"Oy vey," Edmard sed and shake his hed. "Usually dat one wurks lik a charm." He moved his face close to min. "I can tell dat every1 in this mcdnoals wants 2 fuk me, but u… nothin. I don undersyand. Yr a teenager, teenagers want 2 fuk everythin."

"That's y I have a vibratur, dumass," I sed. "I don't need vampire dick, no thanx."

He siyed. "That's smrt. It shoots acid and is ice cold. Ur relly makin a good desichon hear. But u shud date me nywy, four both are guds."

"Spell it out 4 me," I sed, taking a dramatic bite of my chikin nugget.
"Well," he sed, "U no our secret- that were actually vampires, and I;m just not a kid who wurks at hot topik an is wayyy 2 in2 it lik the rest of Fourks thinx. An usually we mark any of those peeps 4 DEATHHHH."

I shuddered.

"Howeva. I'm tired of killin a bunch of teen gurls who have theyre hole lif ahead of dem. It's a real bumma, even if were protektin dem frum an even wurse faite." Den it wuz his tiem to shudda. "So I wuz thinkin… if u and me dated, or ratha, PRETNEDED to d8, den tha rest of my family wud have 2 protext u and it wuldnt b all suspicious."

"I don understand," I sed again ,like I had wif Carlizzle so many tiems last nite. "Wat wud u be protectin me from? Ur all vampires! Wat cud be moar dangerous then Vampires?"
He loked around, 1st 2 the sky, den around he MacDonalds. "Frum de most dangerous entittty in the warld. The reasin we're hangin around this lame-azz town. A powerful supa army ova 5000 years old, olda than vampires or wearwolves, who will cum up in da next book. An armie so buff they cud inadvertismentally destroy the whole earf."

The room seemed 2 get colda. "What's there name?"

He loked around the rum 1 last time, and den whispered as quietly as he cud:

"Dere name iz Shen Yun."