Chapta 7. – moar cummin

"In the dark dayz of tha Xia dinerasty," Eduard began, the kar blasting along the wet-ass hiway, "Dere was a very powafull emoperer named Matt."

"Mat?" I sed inkreditously. "A Chinese guy namd matt?"
"I no, it soundz unbeleavable," Edword sayed, wif a chukle. "But truf can be stranger than fikshion, u no? Nyywai, Matt wuz the most powerful person in da anshent world. He wuz ten feet tal and wore a shitton of pearcings, lik the villan in 300, only less gay. He wuz so powaful dat he cud cre8 earfqwakes by punchin the dang ground! He wuz so strong he cud keep himself from dying by eating otha people, which regenerated his blud."

"So he wuz a vampire?" I sed.

"Matt waz the 1ST vampiah," he sed omninously. "An he livd for hundrez of yeas, lordin ova Asia wif an iron fist and always bein rite about everfing bcuz since he was the strongest person, and the oldest person, who would be around 2 tell him he waz wrong? Howeva, after a while everybody else in Chyna got relly tired of having their friends and moms and girlfriendz getting eaten and so they rose up against Matt. Sumhow, despit his strength, they wuz able to subdoo him and finally kill Matt."

"Fang god," I sed quietly.
"Fangz indeed (geddit)", Edard ased. Howeva, even though he did, Matt wuz schmat. B4 he did, he wuz abukl to take his vampire essence and put into those clay solders in china, did u get 2 that unit in AP world yet?"
"Ya, I no wat ur talking aboot," I sed.

"Koolio," he sed. "All the people who killed Matt new he had built this armee, and dat he had taught sum of his bitches to 2 a magik dance 2 bring the solders 2 live when the tim was rite. The dance sumhow managed 2 survive, tho they tryed to kill all the bitchez. The eldaz new they had 2 cre8 an armee to stop Matt's armee from bringin him bak 2 life when the tiem came, so they tuk his jurnal and red his instructions on how to eet people, and they became vampirze. And my family is decended frum dem. Den dey burned the buk so nobody else cud figure it out, ansd dats why theres no ricordid historee of the XIA empyre."

"And dis revival dance," I sed, "dAts' what Shen Yum is? A dance troop?"

"Presisley," he sed. "The problem is, tho, dat they kant start the dance on nything but virgin land which r places where they haven't preformed it yet. Dat's wai there coming 2 Seattul for an American tour, and why weve bee nhear 4 8 yearz. Bcuz we no theyre goin to try to start the dance in washingtern, as they haven't tried hear yet. They tried in a lotta otha placez! But not hear yet. We intend for dis 2 b da final battul."

Wen I looked out the window again, I saw that we were al the way out at da Pacifik Oshin. In the distanze, I cud swer I saw a firy lite on the whorison.

"Deyl be hear in, like, a week," he sed grimely. "Afta dat, well ether be ded or move on to anotha place 2 live, cos fuck the Olimyik Penisula. Al I ask iz u pretend 2 go out wif me for 1 week. Afta dat? U can d8 Mike Newtown lik I no u want 2."

I gabbed. "Y do u think I want 2 date Mike Newtown?" I sed. "dare's been no evendence of dat whatsoever."

"I c the way u look at his jewfro," he said wif a lil smial. He wuzn't rong.

"Can u answer 3 moar kwestios?"

"Shut."

"Why did Guy Fieri kill anna Kendrick?" I aksed. "I kant fit him in everywear."

"Bcuz he relly hates bein compared 2 Bobbi Flay negatively, like he sed," he sed flatley. "But also, he wuz in the aria b/c he's a vampire hunmter. So iz Stone Cold Steve Austin- y else wud he becum a sckul vice principle when hes already a millionaire? Dey don't realis y weare here. The ythink we're hear 2 feest on juman fleisch. But dat not da kase. Were tryin 2 save yumans. I don' even lik the taste of Amerikans," he sed qith a "yuck" noise. "Yall eat 2 mani funyuns and othur produkts wif Trans Fatz."

I noodled. "And the wearwolfes?"

"yull find out in da squeakwel, we told u this," he sed, shakin his hed impatently.

"Okayy," I surrendered, after a long wile of thot. "I'll go ut wif you. But I'm not in2 u. And I don't wanna make out wif u and i DEF don't want 2 see ur ice pop dik."

"Kant blam u 4 dat," he sed. "bsides, it'll totally make Mike Newtown supa jealouse. So u win out even bsides being part of saving humanity 4eva and all dat."

I admit: it felt lik a win-win 4 yr pal Vikrum.