I've been having these weird dreams lately. I know it's from stress, but that doesn't really help. Knowing that doesn't make them not happen, or the memory of them go away.

It's always the same.

I wake up; it's still dark, so I try to go back to sleep, tossing and turning until the sun starts to rise, and then a little longer still. Eventually I give up, getting up a little earlier than normal. It's the day of the festival- the end of the first week after Sayori dragged me into joining the Literature Club. All of us got together yesterday at Sayori's house -well, all of us except Monika, who was working out some last minute planning issues- to work on our booth.

We made a banner, we baked cupcakes, Sayori and I even made extra flyers to hand out as reminders for anyone who might be interested in joining. Natsuki left the cupcakes at Sayori's house when she went home, afraid the extra trip might ruin all the hard work we put into decorating them; I can't say I disagree. I ended up taking them over to my place, though- as much as I hate to say it, it's kind of hard to trust Sayori to be on time.

I shower, get dressed, and head out the door, two cupcake carriers in front of my chest. Passing Sayori's house, I stop and consider waking her up, but… something weird happened yesterday. We're both in a weird place, and I don't really know if me being the first thing she sees this morning is a good thing or not.

Sometimes that's where it ends, where I wake up, a dread-knot so strong in my stomach it takes everything I have not to vomit. I usually end up sleeping on the ratty couch in the living room those nights, if Sayori's over. That anxious anticipation I'm left with when I wake up at the halfway point is as bad as when the dream carries all the way through to the end, maybe worse, and it always takes me hours to fall back asleep afterwards, if I manage to sleep anymore at all.

When I don't wake up in the middle, though, I hover at the gate to Sayori's house for a few minutes before deciding to head on to school. The trek to school is uneventful, and although there are more students here than I expected to see this early, the walk to the Literature Club classroom is relatively quiet. I'm surprised to see Monika already there, setting up the banner we made yesterday; that must mean Yuri is here somewhere, too. Or maybe Monika just picked it up from her yesterday. Or Yuri could have come back by the school on her way home… guess it doesn't really matter how it got here, I guess.

"Oh, MC! Good morning! I didn't expect you so early!"

"Good morning, Monika." I set the cupcakes down on the teacher's desk and squint through the semi-transparent plastic of the carriers. They all seem to be intact… good. Natsuki won't try to fight me like she swore she'd do if any harm came to them… hopefully. "I couldn't get back to sleep, so I figured I'd just go ahead and come in. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No, I think everything's set up the way we need it to be. Have you heard from any of the girls this morning?"

"No? Should I have?"

"Well… no one was really excited to be here, I don't think. Based off your reactions the other day, anyways. I'm just a little worried we might be missing someone when the festival begins."

"Oh…" She has a point. I wasn't particularly enthused by the idea when she dropped it on us the other day, either. She didn't really give us much of a choice, or much time to plan for the event, either. It's actually really unfair, now that I think about it. "I don't have anyone's number but Sayori's. I'll call her if you call Natsuki and Yuri?"

"Uhm… actually… no, no, that's good. I'll call them. You should maybe just go get Sayori, though. She's been having a tough time lately-" I'm forced to flash back to yesterday afternoon, after Yuri and Natsuki left. I curl into myself a little and hope Monika doesn't notice. "And she might not answer her phone."

Does she know? It occurs to me that I don't really know how close Sayori is to any of the other girls. I mean, they have to be friends, they're in this club together and have been for a couple months now, but I don't know the extent of any of their relationships. "Sure, that might be a better idea," is what I say, but really I'm kicking myself for not waking her up when I had the chance. I should have. It would have been awkward, but I should have sucked it up and done it anyways, because weird place or not, Sayori's my best friend. She would have done the same thing for me, despite her demons.

Shit, now I really feel bad.

I hustle out of the classroom, hoping for all the world that I'm out of sight before Monika has a chance to notice my face turning red.

I manage to keep calm until I walk through the school's double doors.

I'm able to keep my pace at a brisk walk until I'm on the other side of the road from the school. After that, I start to jog.

By the time I'm at the end of the block, I'm running.

Through the fog of the dream, it's kind of hard to describe what I'm feeling in that moment, since it never really happened. Dread, anticipation, the same kind of thing when I wake up halfway through it, but at the same time, somehow different. That itchy feeling of something awful right around the corner, something waiting to jump out and scare you, then kick you in the face while you're down. I want to compare it to a loved one slowly dying from something untreatable over a drawn-out period of time, but I've never experienced that, so I don't know if the metaphor works or not. It's the best one I have, though.

I'm sweating and out of breath by the time I get back to Sayori's house. I don't bother with the gate, planting both hands atop the wire fence and vaulting it. For my stunning feat of athleticism, I'm rewarded with a slightly twisted ankle and a bruised knee, but this only slows me down- it's not enough to stop me. I'd drag myself with no legs if I had to at this point.

Sayori's parents are long gone by now. I let myself in, like I used to so often as a kid, and call out for my friend. No answer. I call her phone, despite what Monika said, and the club president is proven right when Sayori doesn't answer. No choice, then. I half-sprint, half-stumble up the stairs to her room, and stop, my hand on the knob. "Sayori?" I call out once more, knocking on the door at the same time. Still no answer.

I gently open the door; it seems like the right way to.

I woke up at this point, once. It wasn't the first time, and despite not seeing it, I knew what would have happened had I stayed asleep. It's almost as bad as waking in the middle.

I gently open the door; it seems like the right way to.

I'm immediately hit with a strong, unpleasant smell. I might have recognized it sooner had I not pushed the door open to see Sayori hanging from the ceiling, or rather, Sayori's body. It's a dream, I tell myself every time I wake up; it didn't happen, even if I keep seeing it over and over and over again. But I can't unsee it. She's in her sleep clothes, a pink top and tiny red shorts. The skin around her throat is red and raw and crusted with old blood- she realized her mistake, or at least had a change of heart, and she died fighting. Her hands, dangling limp at either side, are in the same condition. Her neck has been pulled up, or more accurately, her body has been pulled down, by gravity, giving her an unnatural, inhuman appearance. The purple-blue of her face contrasting the ghastly, ghostly white of the rest of her exposed skin doesn't help, either.

The light is gone from her eyes, and I can feel it leaking out of my chest like I've been shot.

I want to say that it plays out differently each time, that I react differently, like my subconscious is somehow learning. That would be a lie, just like it would be a lie to say I don't lose my shit. I fall to my knees, every time, and the sounds I make should never come out of a human mouth. I pound the floor until my knuckles bleed, howling all the while. Eventually, I come to my senses, but I'm stuck on the floor until I can summon the will to stand again.

And then I struggle to boost Sayori up until the noose is no longer around her neck. I don't know what else to do. I cradle her on the floor and cry. And cry. And cry. And cry. And cry. And cry. And cry. And cry. And cry. And cry. And cry. And cry. And cry. And cry. And cry. And cry. And cry.

And then I wake up. No instance of the dream ever progresses past that point. Maybe I don't know what I would do. I mean, I don't. Die, maybe. Kill myself, if I didn't. Hang myself with the same rope. Maybe I wouldn't have the energy to do it, in real life. In the dream, I haven't spent the past three years helping Sayori manage her illness. In the dream, I'm not constantly exhausted whenever things get bad like this.

It's just a stress dream, though. Like all bad things, it'll pass. It keep coming back, but it'll pass. I just have to stay positive. For her, more than me. I can't afford to worry about myself now, Sayori needs me to be strong.

It's just a dream, after all. I slowly sidle my way to the bottom of the bed -I've gotten good at getting up without waking her, despite the bed barely being big enough for the both of us- and get up. I make sure to cover Sayori back up, like I always do. Then I head to the beat-up old couch to mindlessly watch TV until the sun comes up, or I fall asleep.

Tonight, I think the sun might beat me.