I woke up this morning and Sayori wasn't in bed.

I panicked. I can admit it. I was alone when I shouldn't have been.

The nightmares have gone away, but I still remember them as vividly as some memories. (That's a lie; they, or it, since it's always the same thing, still happen at least once a week, but it's not every other day anymore, at least.)

There wasn't one this morning, but I woke up dreamless, disoriented. I didn't process that my hand was pawing at empty air at first, but the cold spot on the sheets that should have been warm triggered something in my lizard-brain that woke me up more than anything I've ever experienced so far in life. Like waking up from a "naked in class" dream to find out your dad's dead, and also you slept through two different exams because you made the poor choice of popping a couple ADHD pills to stay up all night studying and crashed hard sometime before dawn.

I panicked. I can admit it. I was alone when I shouldn't have been. It was still dark.

I slid out of bed before my brain had much of a chance to wake up, to notice much of anything. The sheet was tangled around my ankles, wrapped around one leg. I say (write) "slid" out of bed because I tried to jump, but my legs were bound together, and I faceplanted on the carpet. The combination of sleep and adrenaline kept the pain minimal, but it wasn't like I had time for that. I called out for Sayori as I feebly kicked my feet like a fallen child, trying to keep my voice down for fear of upsetting a neighbor. I'm not sure how long it took me to untangle myself from the sheet, but it was too long.

I panicked. I can admit it. I was alone when I shouldn't have been. It was still dark. I was scared.

The bathroom was closest; I checked it first, but she wasn't there. There was only one other room in my apartment, and it didn't take long to find that Sayori wasn't there, either. I could feel my heart-rate increasing, and suddenly I was sick to my stomach. I stumbled back into the bedroom and groped around the table next to my bed until I found my phone. I called Sayori's, and a suddenly angry buzzing startled me from behind the table, where her phone had fallen behind.

I panicked. I can admit it. I was alone when I shouldn't have been. It was still dark. I was fucking scared.

When I staggered back into the main room, I noticed something I hadn't before. The blinds that hung in front of the sliding glass door leading to my apartment's balcony had a shadow cast on them. I stood, transfixed, watching it sway a little, but otherwise remain still. For a few seconds, my imagination was peppering me with a machine-gun-film-reel of terrible things I never wanted to see, all of them ways my girlfriend could have taken her life.

And then it felt like everything stopped- the dread in my stomach, the frantic beating of my heart, the pounding-thump it created in my ears and throat. I just felt… cold.

I had to look. I had to see, had to know. If this was just a story, I'd be telling myself that Sayori was fine, that she'd just stepped out for some air. But I couldn't think, head full of frosty fog and walking on legs made of frozen gelatin capped by feet made of bedrock. Each step felt more difficult to make, and by the time I reached the door, what had started as a mild tremble in my hands had become full-body shakes.

I stopped with my hand on the handle. The details aren't the same, but this was so much like the nightmare that had been plaguing me for weeks that I suddenly almost didn't want to know what was casting that shadow. But I had to know, and I gently pulled the door to one side to find…

Sayori leaning against the balcony railing, looking a little tired but otherwise okay.

I panicked. I can admit it. She was alone, and that made me worry.

There's something missing there, and it's an obvious blank to fill in, I just don't remember it. I blacked out, and woke up with Sayori's worried face inches from mine. She was shaking me, calling my name. I was okay, and I told her as much, but… I wasn't, really.

The new medicine doesn't seem to be working. Therapy is helping, but this isn't the first thing to happen since Sayori started mostly living with me close to two months ago. I've found her sitting on the steps to our floor several times, coming home from work or school. Once, I spent half a day trying to find her, only to find out that she'd gone back to her place and fallen asleep in the closet, because for some reason she couldn't hear the voices there that day.

When I woke up, after the fainting bout, the fear was gone. The cold was gone, too. Both replaced with a frustration that I can't aim at anything. So I told Sayori I was okay, and asked if she was. She hesitated. Maybe she just didn't want to admit it this time, embarrassed. Maybe she knew I'd know if she was lying.

"I am now, MC."

"But you weren't," is what I wanted to say. But, instead, I said, "okay. Just wake me up next time, okay?"

"You always say that." And she smiled that sad smile that both melts and freezes my heart and puts a kind of pain I can't describe somewhere deep down inside me in a place that's not meant to suffer that kind of sensation. "But I'd hate to bother you…"

"You live with me!" My inner voice was shouting. But it comes out as- "Sayori, you- you know that's not…"

"I do." She leaned against me, pulling my arms around her. "But it's hard to drag you into this. You already do so much…"

"If you still need something, it's not enough. Just… please. Don't keep doing this, it scares me every time I can't find you. Just ask. Say something. Call me. Whatever you have to do, I'll drop whatever I'm doing to be with you."

"Okay, MC." Her smile seems a little more genuine, but the sadness is still behind it. "Love you, dummy."

"Love you too, dummy. We should stay at your place for a little while… barely big enough for the two of us here."

"O-oh… no, I don't think that's a good idea, MC. It's kind of a mess…"

"I can help clean, like when we were kids."

"N-no, I'll do it. Just… give me a couple days." She pushes herself out of my arms and squeezes between me and the door. "I get everything cleaned up, and then you can come over."

"Wait-" But she's already in the bedroom. I can hear her shoving stuff into her bag. "Sayori, you don't have to leave right now, the sun's not even up yet…"

"No, you're right, it's not fair for me to hang out here all the time. Maybe if I work at it hard enough, you can come over tonight? I'll try to make dinner for us, too…"

"Hey, come on, don't be like that…"

"Like what?"

"Like… that…" I realize that she probably doesn't want to be called out on feeling useless. I don't think it would help. "You know, pouty."

"I'm not being pouty," she says as she pulls a zipper closed with enough force to bend it.

"Stop. I didn't say that because-"

"You think I'm just mooching off you, or whatever, right?"

"We're dating! It's fine-"

"So, I'll go home and clean up my mess." She pushes past me again, into the main room. "Okay, MC-kun? I'll call you tonight." The door unlocks behind her, but she never takes her eyes off mine, even as she opens it and steps into the hallway. "Okay?"

"I- yeah, okay, Sayori. I'll be here if you need me."

"See you soon."

The door closes again, and I can't make myself go after her. I don't know what the hell just happened… I can't remember the last time we argued about something, let alone the last time Sayori won an argument.

Fuck.

I guess I never should have loved you, but I do forever 'cause you loved me...