Sayori and I had a fight yesterday… the first since we started dating. We've had arguments before, sure, but arguments always have to end badly. They're just a difference in opinion; opinions can be changed. We've always been able to talk out our differences, which is- that's why we work so well. Sayori might be sick, but she's not unreasonable.

I didn't want to write about this yesterday, because… because… I'm not really sure, now that I think about it. I guess in the heat of the moment, I was afraid she might somehow be able to find this and read it, or, god forbid, some of the other entries. I know she wouldn't handle it well… the last thing I want is for Sayori to think I've been dating her for years because I feel obligated to, or something. After yesterday, it kind of already feels like she might.

I don't know what the hell is happening anymore.

Quick note, I guess for future me reading back on this- it's been three days since Sayori left my apartment. I didn't talk to her the rest of that day. With the way she got all aggressive with me out of nowhere, I was a little afraid to push my luck… so I didn't try to talk to her for the rest of the day, should probably be the way I word that. I sent her a goodnight text before I went to bed, but she never responded to it.

I think that's part of the reason we got into the fight. We ended up not talking the next day, either, and on the third, she called me out of nowhere a little after noon, wound-up and upset, because Monika had come by to check on her. It turns out that she hadn't heard anything from Sayori in more than a week, and given her past… I understood it, even before I talked to Monika. Sayori was mad because she thought I sent our mutual friend to act as a peace-broker, because (as I would find out later, once I talked to Monika) she interpreted what I said the last time we saw each other as a fight.

I lost, if it matters. I don't think it does… no one was going to win from the get-go. I understood where Sayori was coming from, weirdly enough, but there was no convincing her that if I had asked Monika to check on her, why wouldn't our friend have said something about it? The conversation devolved into a lot of high-pitched yelling, and then Sayori did something she never has before- she brought up my last relationship. It wasn't a direct attack on me, I don't think… more that she dropped to a near-whisper as she apologized for being sick, and that I could still be happy if she wasn't. Then she hung up on me and either blocked my number, or turned her phone off altogether. I spent the next half hour trying to call her, and every time, it went straight to voicemail without a single ring.

I spent another thirty minutes wondering if that last remark was on purpose. When things first started to get out of control, when we were in high school, I had just started dating a mutual friend, someone I had met through the Literature Club, because of Sayori. I mean just started- Natsuki and I had been together for three days when Sayori tried to hang herself. All our friends in the club were so incredibly supportive, but without Natsuki, I don't know if I could have handled it as well as I did, or at all. Before that -well, after it too, but- Sayori was my best friend, the one person who knew everything about me, the one person who knew my secrets, things that weren't secrets to her like they were to everyone else. She had been in and out, gone before, with the psychiatric stays, the trip to Europe, but we never lost contact… sometimes it was just… slow.

The two weeks when Sayori was in the hospital, and the week after when she refused to talk to me, were (and still are) the longest of my life. I was there almost every day, and with the exception of the day she opened up to me about the voices, it was like she was miles away. I spent at least an hour there every day I visited, more than once staying until visiting hours were closed. Then, every night, Natsuki would sit up on the phone with me and listen while I vented. She never acted like she was tired of hearing the same complaints over and over again, she never said anything judgemental when I accidentally let something slip that should have stayed between Sayori, and none of those things ever made it to anyone else's ears. She recommended the bakery I bought the cupcakes that day, and, a week later, helped me bake a cake of our own to take to Sayori. She was… the best friend I could have asked for, then, honestly. She pulled the same weight Sayori always had, when Sayori couldn't.

We dated for close to two years after that. It seems like kind of an understatement, throwing that out there without really even mentioning the relationship before now. I really cared about Natsuki, and… I hope she cared about me. I think she did, but the break-up wasn't…

It was the third day in a row that Sayori called me crying in the early hours of the morning. The prior two, I had just gotten out of bed, stayed up on the phone with her until she fell asleep. I was a zombie those two days, and it didn't go unnoticed. Still, Natsuki understood, or, she acted like she did. The third day, though, Sayori said something that scared me… I can't remember what exactly now, but I think it was either a hint that she had already hurt herself, or that she kept hearing someone telling her to, the first time she mentioned the voices around me without addressing them as something she knew wasn't real. I ended up sleeping on the floor beside her bed- something about sleeping in the bed with her didn't feel right. It wasn't cheating, but it just wasn't… right.

Natsuki and I were supposed to get breakfast that morning. She had an interview afterwards at that same bakery she had sent me to that day almost two years before. I overslept, and woke up to a text saying she would slip the key to my apartment under the door after she was done, could I do the same, or mail hers to her?

It was the last time I heard from her; I mailed the key back to her to avoid the possibility of accidentally catching her coming or going. I understood why it had to happen… sleeping through our breakfast date was just the last in a string of missed and canceled meet-ups. I imagine it got old, along with the venting, the regular "oh, Sayori would love this, I should get it for her," the emergency calls, the bail-outs…

I didn't meant to just drop her afterwards, though. It wouldn't be the first time I lost a friend because of Sayori, but Natsuki was different. I just wanted some time alone, to get over it. I still wanted to be friends… after two years, the two of us were as close as I was to Sayori. A few days turned into two weeks turned into three months turned into five, six, seven. By then, I had started dating Sayori, and it felt… wrong.

Her name is right under Monika's in my phone, still. If I hadn't seen it, I might not have spent so long staring at the wall wondering if Sayori had been trying to hurt me or not.

Not that calling Monika did a whole hell of a lot to ease my worries.

The story she told me was… disheartening, that's a good word for it. Apparently, Sayori had ignored her knocking on the apartment door -for a few good minutes- and it was only after Monika called her several times that she came to greet her. Among other things, Monika told me that the apartment seemed to be completely dark, despite it being early afternoon when she stopped by, and Sayori looked like she had spent the last few days crying. She didn't act much different than usual, spacey, happy-sad, and she actually thanked Monika for coming to check on her, saying that the last couple days had been rough. When Monika asked why, Sayori told her that we'd had a fight, and that no one had really had time to talk about it.

The thing is… it had been two days since that "fight," and Monika hadn't heard anything about it until that moment. Didn't take much stretching for the two of us to come to the conclusion that something wasn't right. I ended the conversation abruptly after that, though both of us had a mission- texting mutual friends, asking around, and surprise, no one else had been told about the fight, either.

One thing of interest, all but confirming something being off with Sayori- Yuri had a text conversation with her both the day of our "first" fight, as well as yesterday before Monika went by. No mention of us fighting. Nothing weird about Sayori's responses.

I don't know what to do… I don't know what I can do. I can't send anyone to check on her now, after that. I'm sure if I try to go talk to her myself, she won't acknowledge me. I've tried to call her throughout the day today, but it's gone to voicemail every time, just like yesterday. And of course, with how phones work now, I can't get a receipt that she's seen my texts. She hasn't respond to any of them, if she has.

The only thing I can do is wait, I guess. Keep trying and hope she'll talk to me, or give it a couple days and try again. Maybe in a few days, she'll have cooled down enough to talk to someone else about it, and maybe I can get someone to actually mediate… even if she stays mad at me -or gets madder, because I tried to get someone else involved- I could

god, i just want to know she's okay

i dont konw what to