The last few weeks have been the most stressful of my life. This weekend was the worst of it, I hope.

I spent Thursday night and all of the weekend with Sayori, after I found her injured, alone, lost in a fog of delusions. I didn't know what else to do… staying as close to her as I could was the only thing I could think of, the only thing I could think to try to buy myself time to come up with a better plan.

The first thing I thought of was trying to get her squeezed in with her therapist… the major problem with that, though, was that I didn't think of it until Friday night. Seeing someone else at the practice was always a possibility- it was a pretty big place, five psychiatrists, rotational weekend duty so that there's someone there to receive emergency patients during their slightly reduced Saturday/Sunday hours of business. This plan falls apart in an instant, however, when I call to ask who the attending doctor is this weekend. I can never remember the guy's name, but this week, it's the one who suggested Sayori be put on the medicine that turns her brain off as a permanent solution. Just telling her that he's the only one there this weekend is almost enough to start her crying again.

After a fight and more than a few arguments scattered across Saturday and Sunday, Sayori made the decision to commit herself to a psychiatric hospital about an hour from home, the adult branch of one of the handful she was sent to as a child. Neither of us sleep well that last night, and Sayori nods on and off on the train ride there, her head on my shoulder.

It reminds me of better days.

It's not an easy thing to do, although I can't say I expected it to be. Sayori puts on a brave face- until the doors open to take her back, that is, and I'm forced to say goodbye, at which point she devolves into a clinging, sobbing wreck. Thankfully the staff is patient, though I have a feeling that's because this was voluntary; it takes me close to half an hour to calm her down, a thousand half-hearted assurances and twice as many promises. No matter how many times I bring it up, I can't get it to sink in that she can leave at any time- all she has to do is tell someone she's ready to leave. From there, all she has to do is call, and I'll drop whatever I'm doing to come take her home.

She looks back several times as she's led down the hall, after the doors close, and each time, it gets a little harder to keep waving, to keep the small, plastic smile glued to my face. I keep it together until I'm outside the hospital's front doors, but just barely. It's not so bad -I've learned to delay my emotional responses, and to lessen them, so that I'm the strong one, at least when Sayori might be watching- but it's still… it sucks, everything sucks. I'm powerless to help my best friend, and it's not like this is the first time. I've been finding myself that way for years.

I keep my head clear on the walk to the train station, but once I find my way to my seat and the train is moving, it's a lot harder to keep certain thoughts from settling in. A part of me has always wondered what things would be like without her around, branching out from any number of places- incidents, arguments, her being "gone" when we were younger. As I stare out the train's window, my thoughts center around this, and a dozen other almost-equally unpleasant things. Regrets, mostly, opportunities lost or turned down for Sayori, or because of her. Friends we both lost. Natsuki, and Sayori bringing her up, more specifically, at first.

I can't ever remember feeling lower than this, wondering why I've stuck with Sayori as long as I have, like I get nothing out of our friendship -out of our relationship, now- like she's a fucking burden and not my friend, not the person I care most about in this world. And I hate it. I hate myself, because I don't agree with it, but I can't make it stop. I don't want to think these thoughts, I don't want to ever look at her that way. It's… guilt, other things, I know; relationships neglected, things I should have done but didn't or shouldn't have done but did. Mental build-up, that's all it is, things I shouldn't hold onto like this, but it feels alien, something put in my head by something outside my control, intrusive thoughts like the impulse to jump when presented with something tall. It's unhealthy, and I know that, too, but… this is the way things have to be, for right now.

Intertwined with that question, back and forth, back and forth, is Natsuki. Out of all the stupid things I've done, all the poor choices I've made… fuck, I did her wrong. Us breaking up, and then me just… ghosting her, like that… she stopped hanging around pretty much anyone Sayori and I did. Maybe it didn't have anything to do with us, with me, but it's something that's haunted me for years now. Was it that bad, that she didn't want to ever be reminded of me again? Or was it just… awkwardness, that one of us might say something in passing to a friend and start something?

She was always there for me, until I wasn't for her anymore. Unless Sayori has someone else to keep her secrets besides me, Natsuki knew… everything. When she dumped me, I was crushed- I lost more than a girlfriend, I lost one of the best friends I've ever had, and the only person I felt confident talking about Sayori's problems with without filter. In a weird reversal of roles, Sayori was there for me almost as soon as it happened, but I still haven't met anyone I could talk to like her- besides Sayori, which… doesn't help when I need to talk about her.

As I unlock the door to Sayori's apartment, I'm so tempted to call Natsuki; I could never bring myself to delete her number from my phone, even years later. I quiet the thought, though, and the rest of the menagerie, by throwing my phone into the depths of Sayori's couch- there's work to do… a lot of work to do.

I busy myself with the horrendous mess still enveloping most of the apartment. The time I spent with Sayori this weekend was mostly in her bed, watching-but-not-really-seeing the TV, or tending to her wounds to be sure none of them got infected, or just holding her while we tried to figure out what to do. It's a colossal task, trying to clean all of this by myself, and I wish I didn't have to do it alone. I could ask for help, I guess… I'd be willing to bet both Monika and Yuri would come help without question, but… for right now, I think this whole… incident… needs to stay between Sayori and me. I'm planning on telling Monika, at least, about the commitment tomorrow, that shouldn't be a secret, but… no one else needs to know just how bad things got. Despite being a witness too it, I don't feel comfortable sharing, even with our closest friends.

Just the living room alone takes me the rest of the day sorting refuse from clothes, dragging bags down the stairs outside and to the dumpster. The apartment complex, thankfully, has a laundry room -unlike mine- and once I've sufficiently cleared the main room, I take the first of many loads and toss it into one of the washing machines. I set a timer on my phone after starting it, knowing sleep may very well be the next thing on my to-do list.

The kitchen is still a mess of filth, dirty dishes and wrappers and rot, but the clock on the oven reads five-twenty-seven. I've been back here for just shy of five hours, and I haven't even gone into Sayori's bedroom. Fuck. I collapse onto the couch, an arm over my eyes, and shift, toss and turn, roll from one side to the other. Eventually I fall asleep, for a while.

I wake up before the alarm, my mind still somewhere else, to a single text.

From- Monika

18:03: Good evening, MC. Haven't heard from you or Sayori in a couple days, since I gave you the spare key. Everything okay? -M

I read the message over and over again, five, ten, twenty times, until the screen on my phone times out. No, it's not, is what I want to send; I type it out, delete it, repeat this several times until the alarm I set goes off and I head back downstairs to throw Sayori's clothes in a dryer. My phone buzzes in my back pocket as I'm coming back up the stairs, but I ignore it until I'm back in the apartment.

From- Yuri

18:41: Hi, MC-kun. Hope everything is going well. Would you and Sayori like to meet me for lunch tomorrow? There's a new cafe next to the old bookstore we all used to go to back in high school… I thought it might cheer her up. Only if you're both up to it though! Let me know!

It's not much, but after the last few days… I crack. I don't even make it back to the couch, sinking against the back of the apartment's front door, my head in my hands. Everything is awful, and I don't know how to fix it. Sayori's stay in the hospital will (probably) make things better, but for how long? Whatever they can do for her is only temporary, and if she goes off her medicine again…

My hands are shaking to the point of having trouble holding the phone as I respond back to Yuri first.

To- Yuri

19:07: It's just me right now, Yuri. I'll explain tomorrow, if you still want to go.

From- Yuri

19:08: Oh… is everything okay?

To- Yuri

19:08: No.

19:09: It's a lot of things.

From- Yuri

19:09: Do you want to talk about it? You know I'll always listen, MC…

The dropping of the honorific doesn't go unnoticed. I hope she isn't too worried about us, yet… it's only going to get worse from here.

To- Yuri

19:11: No.

19:13: It's not you. Cleaning Sayori's apartment. You know how she gets sometimes. Really… tomorrow?

From- Yuri

19:18: Sure. 13:30? Do you need the address?

To- Yuri.

19:21: That sounds good, and no, just the name. I think I know where you're talking about. Do you mind if I ask Monika to come, too?

From- Yuri

19:22: It's called Manna from Heaven… kind of silly, I know. And yes, that would be great! I would have invited her, but I didn't want it to be too many people… I know Sayori gets uncomfortable in crowds sometimes, even if it's just us.

To- Yuri

19:25: Alright, I think I can find it. I'll ask her, and see you then. I really appreciate this.

To- Monika

19:28: Sorry I took so long to respond, it's… been a really hard weekend, M. Week. Few weeks. Yuri invited us to lunch tomorrow at some cafe called Manna from Heaven… said it's near the old bookstore near the school, around 13:30. Sayori's… not gonna be able to go, but it would be nice if you could go. I need to tell you both about… some stuff, and it's easier in person, I think. Easier for me, I mean. Easier to keep it together, I mean.

The shakes have resided, for now, and I drag myself across the living room and to Sayori's bedroom. With the window open all day -and most of the time the last few days- the smell has gone, although the stink of blood still hangs in small pockets, thick and iron-y. I don't have the energy for this, to finish what I started Thursday night. The clothes are at least in a pile, and I washed the sick out of the trashcan, but… this is just too much for me to handle in a single day. I sit on the edge of the bed, but only for a few minutes, as the timer goes off on my phone once again and make one last trek to the laundry room.

I dump the first load of Sayori's clothes on the couch and fill the hamper with the second, leaving it near the front door, and trudge back into her bedroom, where I collapse onto a bed that's too big for just me.

From- Monika

19:37: No, no, it's fine, MC. Doesn't sound like you're great, but I'm glad you're okay enough to respond. I'd love to go to lunch with you and Yuri tomorrow! I might be a little bit late though, one of my classes gets out at 12:45 and I don't know if I can get across town that quick. I'll try, though!

19:39: I'm sure the answer is no, with what you just said, but do you want to talk about whatever's happened? After what you told me before, I'm worried about you. About both of you. Is Sayori okay? Are you okay?

From- Yuri

19:40: Of course, MC-kun. See you tomorrow.

To- Monika

19:47: No, no, and no. We'll talk tomorrow, I promise. Today's been especially long.

19:48: Don't mention I told you separately to Yuri, but Sayori committed herself today. It's just temporary, but it's… it was hard, M. Really hard. I feel like I lost something really important, like a game or a fight, not a thing. I'll see you both tomorrow, though… gonna go to bed early. Night.

That isn't a lie. I do go to bed early, and try to fall asleep, but it doesn't come as easily as it did on the couch a few hours ago. I miss Sayori already. I wonder what her day was like, if she's still awake. If she cried herself to sleep again, and I wasn't there to hold her.

This is the hardest right decision I've ever had to make.