It might disappoint you to know I haven't always made the right choices. I've failed. And I've paid for it. I told Lucien once I didn't think I was ready yet. And I don't think he understood me. For all his compassion, he can sometimes be quite dense. I'm sure he thought I wasn't yet ready to let go of my past. But, Mattie, it's not the past that has a hold on me, but the future. I wasn't always ready to make the next leap, because when I've leapt before it's been all wrong. And life takes the turns it takes and you can't undo those giant steps forward. They change things. I've so loved living here, with Lucien, seeing him every day, tending to him, to everyone. I wasn't ready to change that. Because things don't always work out the way you hope. But I thought this time it would. I thought, I was ready. And, I guess I was. But life isn't always ready for us.
Lucien, did not, in fact, come home for dinner. He didn't even call. Jean wondered, briefly, if she'd frightened him away by being so unforgivably forward, but Lucien did not walk out that front door like a man who was frightened. Instead, she felt a small thread of her heart pulled by an unwelcome thought. Lucien did work with the police, and he could only cheat death so many times. How often had he come home bleeding from somewhere or other or telling a story of a bold risk and a narrow escape? It hadn't bothered her until this moment, hadn't frightened her anyway. Because it was just at this moment when she felt herself ready to leap into the unknown future and saw the ground falling away beneath her. She knew Lucien would be there to catch her, but would the world let him? As her mother said, life was seldom kind.
But Jean was not one to wring her hands. Lucien took his chances and this was the man she'd chosen. It's not as though he would stop being the police surgeon, nor did she want him to. So, Jean put herself to bed at a reasonable time. She would not wait up like a schoolgirl no matter how quickly her heart beat thinking of where he might be and what he might be doing. But she listened for the door as she changed into her night dress. She took a bit longer setting her hair than she ordinarily did. And at the last minute she slipped into her white robe and walked the house, to double check that all the doors were locked – and listen for the crunch of tires on gravel. But Lucien did not come home. So she dutifully walked back upstairs, removed her robe, sat on the side of her bed, and crossed herself, and as she did she asked the Lord to keep him safe.
"I know the church would not approve of him," she whispered looking up toward the heavens through her darkened window, "and I'm quite sure he doesn't approve of the church. But I've known You a long time. And I know how to recognize You here. I'm sure I see You in his heart, so I have no doubt that you have your eye on him."
Jean paused. Lucien's face came to mind, unbidden. She saw the kindness in his eyes when he spoke to her, and the pain in them when he spoke of himself. She saw the strong line of his jaw and the softness of his beard. She was overcome with the desire to hold his face in her hands and look into his soft blue eyes and tell him how beautiful his heart was and how desperately she wanted to watch over him always. But that wasn't the sort of thing Jean said, or did. Instead, she continued her prayer, and wondered at the catch in her voice.
"The only thing I ask, is that You walk with him tonight, where I cannot." She almost added "and keep him safe," but she had prayed for safety for so hard, for so long, so many years ago, she couldn't bring herself to form those words. Not all prayers are answered. But the Lord knew what Lucien needed, and she trusted Him to answer this one, if, perhaps, she kept it simple and humble enough.
Jean lay down to wait, and hopefully to sleep.
She was sure she would dream of Lucien, and perhaps dream of all the things she didn't want to happen to him. But she was wrong. She dreamt of her past. She dreamt of the last time she'd taken a leap, made a choice, and asked the Lord to make things right.