Hello everyone. Thank you for clicking on my story! I realise I should probably update some of the many other stories I have for various shows ongoing before I write another but this idea came to me and I couldn't let it go. As of now when I'm posting this I am very nearly finished writing this story. It will be 6 chapters plus and epilogue (although the epilogue might be tacked onto the end of chapter 6, I haven't decided yet) I want to say thank you to everyone who has reviewed 'One Month' recently. I do intend to write more. I hope you'll forgive me for writing this instead!

Thank you also to theverystuffoflife for inspiring me to write this with their story 'Tower of Strength' and for being my Beta. This is my interpretation of the same scenario expored in that story but a very different take. It's an Alicia/Bea story. I know I'm not the only one who ships them! It's a little angsty but I hope you like it anyway! One final thing before I stop waffling on, I took the title from a song called 'Home' written by a musical theatre composer named Scott Alan and sung on his album by Shoshana Bean. I won't post the lyrics, but I urge you to find it on Youtube and have a listen. It's beautiful.

This idea started with a question: What would've happened if Alicia had fallen pregnant as a result of her rape?

Chapter 1

Ethan opened his front door to Bea. "Come in" he said. "You're early. I'm sorry I couldn't come to your house tonight like usual. I have a guy coming early in the morning to repair the heating, I thought it would be easier this way. Here, let me take that." Ethan took the overnight bag from Bea and turned to walk back into his house. Still Bea said nothing, just followed him silently into the living room.

"Can I get you a tea or something?" Ethan asked, dumping the bag on the sofa. "Bea?"

Bea was still standing in the middle of the floor with a vacant expression on her face. She blinked.

"Bea, is everything alright?"

Bea met Ethan's eyes. The child in her arms squirmed in his sleep but settled again, his far hair rumpled from where he lay his head against Bea's shoulder. "Theo called me Mummy this morning."

"Oh." Ethan stopped, but his expression wasn't one of complete surprise. "Here, sit down."

"How did we get here Ethan?"

Bea lowered herself onto the couch slowly and carefully. She settled Theo on her lap and leant back into the cushions. Ethan sat down beside the two of them and stroked Theo's sandy blonde hair. He didn't have the answer to Bea's question. He wished he did.

"We were in the park" Bea went on. "We met his little friend Alfie and his mother. I think he saw the two of them together, heard Alfie call Caroline Mummy and put two and two together."

"He's a smart little boy" Ethan said, but he realised quickly that probably didn't help.

Bea stroked Theo's hair too and looked down at him thoughtfully. "When did he grow up enough to think about these things? Ethan, it's not right. None of this is right."

Ethan put a hand on Bea's arm. He'd never been very good at this stuff. It was not a problem with patients most of the time, Ethan thought his bedside manner was pretty good, but with people he knew he found it too awkward. And he and Bea had never been that close, all they had in common was Alicia. Not until they were forced to be. Not until there was no one else to look after Theo when Bea was on a night shift and Ethan stepped into the breach. Of course he did, it was the least he could do. He'd failed his best friend, was failing her every day that she wasn't home, the least he could do was be there for her family.

"It's been four months" Bea said. "We can't go on like this. I can't go on like this."

"You're doing a wonderful job" Ethan said. "Trust me. No one could be doing any better for this little boy than you are."

"But I'm not his mother" Bea said. She wiped a tear from her cheek with her free hand. They had joked about it, before he was born, about what the baby would call them both when the time came. 'Mummy A and Mummy B?' Alicia suggested in one of her lighter moments, given their initials it was logical, but it was a throw away comment that had made them both laugh. Back then they had had plenty of time to figure it out.

"Not biologically maybe" Ethan said. "But you were there when he was born, you've been there every day of his life, and for the last four months you're the only parent he's known."

"It's my fault Alicia left" Bea said, her voice small and choked with emotion.

"No, it's not." Ethan turned to face Bea emphatically. "You saw she was struggling and tried to get her help. She wasn't ready, that's not on you."

"When she said she needed space, I thought she meant a few days. A week at most. Ethan, it's been months."

Every say since Alicia had left Bea had sent her a message. 'I love you. I miss you. Please come home.' But every day she didn't receive a reply Bea felt Alicia slipping further and further away. Some days Bea woke up devastated that the love of her life was not beside her and swore she would do anything to have her back. But some days she felt so angry with Alicia she thought she might explode. Because it wasn't only about them, it hadn't been for nearly 2 years now. From the moment Theo was born 20 months ago he became the most important thing in either of their lives.

That had been Bea's mistake. Being so focused on this tiny being that had appeared suddenly in their lives that it took her a long time to see that what Alicia was feeling went way beyond the 'baby blues'. By the time anyone realised just how depressed Alicia was, it was too late. But still Bea knew deep down that if Alicia were to walk through the front door tomorrow Bea would take her back in a heartbeat.

"We both let her down" Ethan admitted. "She was supposed to be my best friend and I didn't see the signs."

"She was my girlfriend." Her use of the past tense shocked Bea. It just slipped out but she guessed it was true. How could you claim to be in a relationship with someone who you hadn't seen and had only spoken to a handful of times in four months?

In her arms, Theo whimpered and opened his eyes a little, still half asleep. Bea smiled. "Hey little man." She kissed the top of his head. "I have to go to work. You're staying with Uncle Ethan tonight, is that ok?" Theo turned his head and buried his face in Bea's jumper. She didn't want to leave him, she never did. But she needed to work and she knew he was in safe hands with Ethan. Their strange dysfunctional co-parenting arrangement wasn't ideal, but it did work. Bea was thankful she wasn't alone.

"I gave him his bath and read him a story before we left home" Bea said. "He'll probably sleep through the night, it should be easy."

Ethan held out his arms for the child. "Bea, I'm happy to look after him any time, you know that. It's a pleasure."

Bea lifted Theo from her lap and passed him to Ethan. She knew all this was hard on him too. More so in some ways. It had been over two years but she knew Ethan was still hurting. He still loved Alicia, anyone who knew him could see it, and he was heartbroken when Alicia chose Bea over him. This was before anyone knew of Theo's existence, of course. Then everything went crazy and Ethan's broken heart was the least of anyone's worries, including his own.

Bea knew Ethan wished he was Theo's father. In a strange way Bea wished it too. Everything would be a lot less complicated now if he was.

"Right" Bea said. She couldn't afford to get swept away on this thought train right now, not before a busy night shift. She patted her jacket pocket to check she had her car keys and leaned over and kissed Theo one more time. "I'll come and collect him tomorrow. Bye Ethan."

"Is everything alright Dr Kinsella?"

Bea looked up from the computer screen at reception to find Mrs Beauchamp standing beside her. She had been staring at the screen for ten minutes, she realised. It didn't take that long to check a patient's test results. Despite her best efforts, she was having trouble focussing on the job tonight. Two hours into her shift and her mind was still back in the playground, when Theo had used the 'M' word as she strapped him into his pushchair. It was wonderful and terrifying and heart-breaking all at once, and had shocked Bea more than she realised at the time.

"Yes. Sorry Mrs Beauchamp. I'm fine." Bea muttered. She closed down the patient's file and readjusted her stethoscope.

"Are you sure? You know I'm here if you want to talk about anything."

Bea nodded and offered a weak smile. Connie had been amazing through all of this. Even before Alicia found out she was pregnant, even before their colleagues learned they were an item, Alicia had confided in Bea just how supportive their boss had been throughout her whole ordeal. Bea also suspected Connie had something to do with keeping social services at bay when it came to Theo too, but she had never asked and didn't want to know. Every day since Alicia left she expected a knock on the door and the news that a foster care placement had been found, but it hadn't happened and Bea thought she knew why. Mrs Beauchamp could be formidable when she wanted to be, and she was fiercely protective over her staff when it came to things that really mattered.

Connie didn't look convinced, but when she opened her mouth to speak she was interrupted by Duffy.

"There's been a major RTC involving a school coach" the nurse said. "The incident commander at the scene has reported upwards of 20 casualties, at least 5 critical. And they've requested a doctor on scene to help with an extraction."

Connie snapped into action. "Right" she said. "Tell Elle to suit up and ride with the first paramedic crew to go back to the scene. Tell control we have room for 3 trauma patients and maybe 10 walking wounded. We'll take it from there." She turned back to Bea. "I want you in resus with me, Dr Kinsella. Can you handle it?"

"Absolutely" Bea said. Compared to the mess of her personal life, a major trauma would be a piece of cake.

At 11:05pm Bea emerged from resus covered in blood and exhausted, but happy she had managed to save her patient for now and he was now on his way up to surgery. Who knew if he would survive the operation, but Bea had done her job and that had to be enough. If she wasted time worrying about all her patients once they'd left her care she would burn herself out.

The ED was still in chaos. The RTC was more serious than they had first thought and bruised and bloodied victims still clogged the hallways waiting to be seen. She took a moment to collect herself and spotted Dr Gardner coming out of cubicles, still in her field uniform.

"How is everything out there?" Bea asked. "Are you heading back out?"

Elle looked dog tired. "No, I think everything's under control at the scene. It looks like I could be of more use here."

Bea wasn't going to argue with that. There were never enough staff in the ED, even on a regular day shift. When something like this happened, it was all hands on deck.

"Hey" Elle said, looking over Bea's shoulder towards the entrance. "I didn't know Dr Hardy was working tonight."

Bea spun around to see Ethan rushing through the doors looking dishevelled and carrying Theo. The little boy had his duffle coat pulled on over his pyjamas and his dinosaur slippers on his feet. Bea's gut gave a lurch. "He isn't" she said to Elle, fear in her voice.

"He's fine, he's fine" Ethan said hastily after seeing the panic on Bea's face as she approached. "I got paged to come and do an extra shift, they said they needed all the help they could get."

Bea wanted to take Theo but her scrubs were splattered with blood. As much as possible she wanted to protect him from the more gruesome aspects of her job, even though he had spent a lot of time in the ED in his short little life and all the staff knew and adored him. "Who's going to look after him?" she asked.

"Sandra in Paediatrics said she'd take him for a few hours. I know it's not ideal, but…." Ethan trailed off. None of this was ideal.

"I'll take him up" Bea said in a tone of voice that dared Ethan to argue. She wasn't angry with him, of course he would come in when paged if there were lives at risk, but Bea hated that the only option there was, was to bring a toddler with him into the hospital in the middle of the night. "Let me change first."

Five minutes later and wearing fresh scrubs Bea was waiting for the lift with Theo in her arms. She marvelled at the little boy's ability to sleep soundly through almost anything and was pretty jealous of how peaceful he looked.

"Dr Kinsella." Bea turned around. Connie stopped what she was doing and walked towards her. "What's Theo doing here?"

"You paged Ethan into work" she said. She was too tired to be annoyed.

Connie signed deeply and looked up at the ceiling. "I asked the locum to page every doctor not on shift. We were run off our feet. I didn't even think."

"It's alright. The nurse on night shift on the children's ward is going to mind him. I'm just taking him up, I won't be long."

Connie looked from Bea to Theo with regret. "I'm sorry. Take your time. Listen, when things die down can I see you in my office? It's important, but I don't want you to worry."

Connie's voice was kindly but still Bea was afraid. "Sure" she replied, but she was apprehensive. The lift pinged and the doors opened. She stepped inside without another word.

Ethan worked a couple of hours, until all the victims of the coach crash had been admitted or discharged, then he had taken Theo home. Bea worked until the end of her shift. Ethan had asked if she would rather leave with Theo and he would finish her shift for her but Bea refused. Life went on. She couldn't neglect her career just because she found herself in this situation. Despite logic telling her otherwise, she still expected Alicia to come back and harboured a hope that her life would return to how it was once she did. If she fell behind at work where would she be then?

It was after 6am and the day shift would begin soon. Bea wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for days, but she knew she couldn't. She'd get four hours tops before she had to go and pick up Theo from Ethan's, but it was fine, she would do it because she had to and she wouldn't complain. Her body had become used to functioning on less than a full night's sleep. That's what happened when you had a teething toddler in your care, even without chaotic shift patterns as well.

Bea found herself in Mrs Beauchamp's office at the end of her shift, as promised. She had only been waiting a few minutes when Connie knocked once and entered the room. "Dr Kinsella, I'm sorry to keep you waiting. I had one last patient to admit."

Mrs Beauchamp walked around her desk and pulled out her chair, but she stopped before she sat down, leaning on the back of it instead. She could tell Bea was nervous, she didn't want to make her feel like she was being reprimanded and talking across a big wooden desk would do that. Connie walked back to Bea's side of the desk and sat down on the chair next to her instead.

"How are you feeling?" she asked. Bea shrugged. "I'm sorry about the mix up earlier, I'll make sure it doesn't happen again." Bea was silent. She was too tired to respond.

Connie reached out and put her hand on Bea's. Even after all this time Bea was always surprised to see Connie's gentler, caring side come out. She was so used to the non-nonsense business-like woman that ran the ED, she sometimes forgot that she was human too. Not only that, she was also a mother.

"I haven't been here for you as much as I'd like lately, I'm sorry for that. I know this situation must be difficult."

Bea looked up and caught the older woman's eye. "I'm managing" she said rather more abruptly than she intended.

"Have you heard from Dr Munroe?"

Bea felt her chest tighten at the mention of Alicia's name but she fought to steady herself. "Not for a few weeks. I know where she is, but beyond that…" Bea trailed off. Beyond that, she didn't know. Ever since Alicia had finally told her where she was, at her Mum's new place just outside Durham, Bea had spent a lot of time fighting with herself over whether or not to go there and beg Alicia to come home. But she was scared that would do more harm than good so she stayed put. She had come to work and cared for Theo and tried to convince herself that in time Alicia would come back on her own.

"Social services got in touch with me again" Connie said cautiously. Bea sat up, startled. "Please don't panic" Connie continued. "They're fully aware of the complex nature of the situation and have no concerns about Theo's wellbeing at the moment. They want to monitor the situation, that's all."

Bea's heart began to beat faster. "They can't take him away" Bea said. She hadn't heard anything Connie had said after 'Social Services' and her mind had jumped to its own conclusions.

Connie moved her chair closer to Bea's and looked her firmly in the eye. "No one wants to take him away" she said resolutely. "All anyone wants is what's best for that little boy."

"I love him so much" Bea said. "I can't lose him." She took a deep breath. "I know how strange this must seem from the outside. No one even knew Alicia and I were together until she found out she was pregnant and then Theo was suddenly here and..." Bea stopped, she realised she was rambling. "Alicia's been through so much trauma and I don't know how to help her. It's tearing me apart. But I know she loves us, or at least she loves Theo, and I have to trust that when she's ready she'll come back home." Bea didn't realise she was crying until Connie handed her a tissue. She took it and wiped her eyes. "I love her and I've let her down. The very least I can do is look after her son. Whatever it takes to keep him until she comes back, I'll do it."

At the end of the next day, Bea sat on Ethan's couch with a warm mug of tea. Theo played with his wooden trucks on the floor at her feet and laughed with delight at whatever imaginary game he was inventing. She watched him, a wistful smile playing on her lips.

"I have to go to her Ethan. I have to try."

Ethan looked up from the medical journal he was reading with surprise. "I thought you said it was too risky, that she was too fragile?"

"I know. But Mrs Beauchamp told me today that Social Services want to check up on us and it really scared me. I can't risk Theo being taken away, even if it means destroying my relationship."

Ethan closed the journal and leaned forward. "Whatever you decide to do, Bea, I'm here for you."

Bea smiled. "I was hoping you'd say that. If I'm going to go, I need to go soon, before I lose my nerve. I cleared a few days leave with Mrs B, but I can't take Theo with me, I think it would be too much for Alicia. And I need to focus on her."

"Say no more. I would be happy to look after him."

"Thank you" Bea said. "I'm sorry I keep asking so much of you, none of this is your problem, it's not fair."

"None of this is fair, Bea. It doesn't mean I don't want to help in any way I can."

Bea looked away from Theo and stared into her tea. A sob escaped her and caught her unawares. "It's all my fault" she said, no longer trying to hide her anguish. "Alicia leaving, all of it. I should have realised sooner how much she was struggling, I should have tried harder to get her help and gone about it a different way. Then that argument… Some things I said I wish I could take back. But I was so angry and scared when I got home and found Theo alone, I lost my temper."

Ethan moved from the armchair by the window and sat next to Bea. Theo carried on with his game, oblivious. "No one realised how bad things were, Alicia hid it well. It's not on you."

"I was her partner. I should have realised."

Bea felt she should have known the depths of Alicia's depression long before that night. News of Theo's existence was such a shock for both of them, and came just as Alicia had begun to heal from all she'd been through. They were so ill prepared for Theo's arrival into the world and the hours they would spend in the hospital with him that every other aspect of their lives was neglected, even their relationship with each other. Theo was such a poorly little boy when he was born, it was months before he was well enough to go home. Bea knew how guilty Alicia felt about that, felt all his health problems were her fault, that no matter how many times Bea assured her she wasn't to blame, that she didn't know, Alicia wouldn't believe it.

Bea didn't blame Alicia for any of it, not really, but the night she got home to the baby's cries and no answer at the door, she had told Alicia exactly that. It would haunt her for the rest of her life.

After she left, Alicia had told her she needed space and Bea had respected that. She told herself it was because she believed that if she gave Alicia the space she wanted everything would work out, but the truth was Bea was scared to see her again. She was scared to see the look in Alicia's eyes as she remembered the hurtful words Bea had said to her, and she was scared that the damage that was done was beyond repair. If her relationship truly was over and if she was going to lose this little boy that she loved so much, she'd rather put off knowing for as long as possible. But Bea also knew that it wouldn't do anyone any good to wait.

"I should go tomorrow" Bea said and Ethan responded with an encouraging nod. She slid off the sofa and sat down on the floor. Theo crawled to her, his stuffed blue dinosaur in one hand and a red truck in the other and curled up on her lap. Bea's heart swelled. She loved this child more than anything and she loved his mother. She wanted her family back and she was the only person who could make that happen.