Thank you for the reviews so far. Here is the next part

(I've just watched this week's episode... That ciffhanger!)

Chapter 2

"Morning" Amy greeted, a mouth full of breakfast. A few croissant crumbs fell from her mouth onto the computer keyboard. "You're in early."

Alicia dumped her handbag on the reception desk. "Hi. Yeah, I've got a lot of paperwork to file, I want to get on top of it."

"You're keen" the young receptionist said. She brushed her pink-tipped long dark hair out of her face and took another bite of her pastry.

"I just want to make a good first impression" Alicia said.

She sat down behind the desk and got to work. Alicia had never been a morning person but she thought she was doing a pretty good job of appearing perky and care-free to her new colleagues as she arrived at work. The truth was she was feeling anything but, but Alicia had grown good at hiding her feelings. It wasn't something she was proud of but right now it made her life easier. Friendly but distant was the vibe she was going with and for now, it was working.

"Oh, Dr Hughes asked me about Mrs Patterson's CT results from the hospital, can you chase them up this morning?"

"Of course" Alicia said. That's why she was there.

At 8am on the dot the phone rang for the first time. She and Amy shared a look. "I'll get it" Alicia said. "I have to learn sometime right?" She smiled at her new colleague and cleared her throat, picking up the receiver. "Good morning, Riverside Surgery. How can I help?"

Amy watched Alicia over the top of the printer that sat between them on the desk. "Was that Mrs Brown again?" she asked when Alicia had hung up.

"How did you guess?"

"Because it's always Mrs Brown first thing in the morning. What did she want?"

"She was chasing her prescription. Again. I told her we would let her know when it was ready. Again."

Amy smiled. "Good, you are learning. Listen, do you fancy a drink tonight? There's Karaoke on at The Sun."

"Tonight? It's Wednesday."

"Wednesday is the new Friday, didn't you know? Come on, it could be fun."

Fun. Alicia had forgotten what that felt like. Amy nudged Alicia playfully when she hesitated and Alicia smiled at the younger woman. She reminded Alicia so much of her past self, right down to the pink hair. Maybe a drink in good company was what she needed. Just one night of letting loose and forgetting about the trail of destruction she'd left behind. "Alright" Alicia said reluctantly, "but I'm not singing."

Amy smiled triumphantly. "We'll see about that."

Later, over a mid-morning cup of tea, Alicia felt Amy's eyes on her and looked up, startled. Amy eyed her curiously. "What?" she asked when the younger girl didn't say anything.

"You've been here three weeks now and I don't know anything about you."

Alicia attempted a nonchalant shrug. "There's nothing to tell."

Amy shook her head. "I don't buy that, there's always something to tell. What was it, a bad break up?"

Alicia froze. She didn't want to be having this conversation but she couldn't be angry at Amy for wondering. Amy was a chatterbox and not shy about talking about her own chaotic love life or her crazy family. The old Alicia would have responded in kind with tales from her own life, but she just couldn't. She liked Amy, she liked the simplicity of this job and this town, she knew that if she admitted even one sordid detail about why she'd left Holby, this girl would think the worst of her, and Alicia wouldn't blame her if she did.

"Something like that" Alicia said. She plastered a smile on her face. "You're too nosy, you. Just because I know every detail of your life doesn't mean you have to know every detail of mine."

"I am nosy, I know it. But I don't need every detail, just one. Where did you grow up?"

Alicia fixed her with a look. "Doesn't my accent give it away?"

Amy smiled. "Ok, that was a stupid question." The phone rang again and this time Amy reached to pick it up. "I'll get something out of you at the pub tonight, don't you worry."

"How was work love?" Ms Munroe was standing at the kitchen sink doing the washing up when her daughter returned home. She didn't turn around. The atmosphere between them was tense. In the hallway of her mother's house, Alicia took a deep breath, steeling herself for another row. She hung up her coat and handbag, deliberately taking her time.

"It was fine" she finally answered. "How was yours?"

There was a pause. "Also fine."

"I've just popped home to change, I'm going to the pub tonight. Don't worry about dinner for me."

The lack of reply hung heavily in the air. Alicia knew her mother was judging her before she could even see her. Cautiously Alicia walked towards the kitchen.

"Do you think you should be going out?" Jackie turned to her daughter and shook the bubbles from her hands.

Alicia sighed. She felt like a teenager again, being scalded for going out with her mates instead of doing her homework. She knew deep down her mother was only worried, but all she wanted was to forget. "Mam, please, I don't want to argue with you anymore, I'm tired." Alicia sunk down at the kitchen table and put her head in her hands. A minute later, her mother sat down opposite and peeled Alicia's hands away gently.

"I don't want to argue either sweetheart, but I don't understand."

Alicia felt like crying. She had come here to get away from all this. Alicia had naively thought that she would run back into her Mum's arms and she'd be a little girl again, without any worries or responsibilities.

"Look Alicia, this has gone on long enough. You can't hide here forever. I'm worried about you. And I miss my grandson."

Alicia stared blankly at the table top and wouldn't meet her mother's eyes. "If you don't want me to stay here then just say."

"Of course I want you here, you're my baby girl. But I can see you need help, Alicia. More help than I can give you myself."

"I just need time Mam."

"You've had time." Ms Munroe's tone was gentle but firm. "When you first turned up I was thrilled to see you. You told me everything was fine at home and you were just here to help me move. I could see even then you weren't being straight with me but I let it go, I gave you space. But it's been four months. You got a job here for goodness sake, you don't do that if you're just planning on visiting."

"I walked out on my family!" Alicia raised her voice. She wrenched her hands away from her Mum and stood up abruptly. "The least I can do is pay my mortgage so they don't lose their house!"

Standing in the middle of the kitchen Alicia burst into tears.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" Jackie Munroe said, wrapping her daughter in a hug in seconds. "I didn't mean to shout. I just want to help you. Please tell me how to help you."

Alicia gulped for air and she felt like screaming. All she wanted was to escape her feelings. She had spent so long feeling guilty and hopeless and full of self-blame that she couldn't remember what it was like to feel normal. She thought if she left Holby for a little while it would magically fix everything, but her guilt had only intensified. Nobody but her Mum knew her in this town. This wasn't where she grew up, her Mum had only recently moved here and to begin with, Alicia had enjoyed the anonymity. She had found the receptionist job by chance. The GP who interviewed her seemed so desperate for someone to take the job, she didn't even ask to see Alicia's CV. Alicia admitting that she used to work in a hospital was all it took. Nobody even knew she was a doctor.

"You need to talk to someone" her mother continued. It wasn't the first time they'd gone down this road. "You know more than I do about this kind of thing, surely you can see that this isn't normal."

It was true, and the logical part of Alicia's brain could see this. But there was another part of her that couldn't see how talking to anyone would help. No amount of talking would change what had happened or what she'd done.

"Don't you miss them?"

Alicia closed her eyes. She did. So much. Without Bea around Alicia felt lost and unsteady. She hadn't realised just how much she needed her until she was no longer there. Alicia nodded slowly.

"Then pick up the phone" her Mum pleaded. "It's not too late."

"It is" Alicia said in a whisper. "What kind of person abandons their child?"

"The kind of person who is sick and in desperate need of help." Alicia's mother shook her slightly. "What you've been through is unimaginable. You need help to get through it. I know it's been a long time, but there's no time limit on these things."

Alicia knew all this, of course she did. If a patient had presented to her with the same history and symptoms as she knew she had she would have referred them to a councillor in a heartbeat. But from the inside it was not the same. She just felt numb. "I'll be late to meet Amy" Alicia finally said. She was running away from this conversation just like she was running away from her life. She grabbed her bag and left the house again without even changing her clothes.

"Here you go" Amy said. She plonked two large gin and tonics on the table and a little sloshed over the side. She slid into the booth opposite Alicia.

"Thanks" Alicia said. "The next one's on me. I need this, believe me."

"Oh?" Amy sipped her drink through a straw, her dark hair fell over her shoulder and she flicked it out of the way.

Alicia sighed. She knew this girl's curiosity wouldn't be satisfied if Alicia didn't give her something, and maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing at all. Alicia could choose what people knew about her for once. It felt liberating. "I'm staying with my Mam for a while" Alicia said slowly. She took a gulp of her own drink to fortify her. "Things were bad at home, I needed a break."

"So it is man trouble" Amy said, a bit too delighted at the thought she was right. She coughed quickly and wiped the grin off her face. "Sorry, I didn't mean to seem so happy about that. But I'm right aren't I? So spill. Boyfriend? Husband? Sugar Daddy?!"

The fact she was in a relationship with a woman was probably the least shocking thing about Alicia's life at this point, and this news might get Amy off her back for a while. She liked this girl, it was nice to have a friend in this town, she didn't want to flat out tell her to back off and mind her own business any more than she wanted to spill every detail.

"Not man trouble, no."

The look on Amy's face as realisation dawned on her would have been comical if Alicia wasn't so nervous. "No way" Amy said. She leaned forward across the table and her hair fell in her drink. "You're a lesbian?"

Alicia paused. Was this a mistake? But she couldn't backtrack now. "I'm not sure what I am" she said. "It wasn't girls exactly, it was just one girl. We used to work together."

"And she's the reason you left?"

Alicia swallowed another large swig of gin. She was already regretting this. "Only partly. But we had an argument." Understatement of the year. But that was all Alicia was willing to disclose for now. She grabbed Amy's hand and tried to pull her from the booth. "So, how about this Karaoke then?"

"It doesn't start for 20 minutes. And besides, you said you wouldn't sing. So come on, where did you live?"

Alicia found herself growing hot and the gin was making her head buzz. Earlier it was the effect she was looking for but now she just felt paranoid. But it was stupid, this girl was just being friendly, there was nothing to be paranoid about.

"How old are you Amy?" Alicia asked. Now it was her turn to be curious.

Amy was seemingly undeterred by the abrupt change in subject. "24" she answered. "For another two weeks at least."

Amy definitely reminded Alicia of herself at that age. Curious about life and eager to make friends. But then life happened and she had closed herself off more and more from everyone around her. But tonight she felt good, she felt relaxed, like she herself was back to being 24 without a care in the world. It was nice, she felt free.

"Enough about me" Amy continued. "I want to hear more about this girl."

The gin and the music and the laughter around her as the evening wore on began to weigh Alicia down. Drunk and paranoid, she'd pulled Amy from the noisy pub out into the cool night air. "I have to go" Alicia remembered saying, concentrating so hard on not slurring her words that it came out abruptly. She hailed a taxi and left Amy standing on the pavement outside the pub, a look of bewilderment on her face.

What had begun as a care free evening quickly took a turn. The more Alicia drunk and the more she talked, she felt the weight of the situation she had tried so hard to escape begin to crush her. In the back of the taxi, Alicia took out her phone and the lock screen illuminated in the darkness. Alicia knew it was dangerous to keep her wallpaper the same if she wanted to keep her past hidden, but she couldn't bring herself to change it. She loved this photo and her heart lifted every time she looked at it.

It was a black and white shot of Bea and Theo smiling in the sunshine. It was just any other warm spring day in the park, there was nothing particularly special about the day, but Alicia remembered how happy they were. She struggled to hold onto that, especially now. But when she was at her lowest point, and Alicia had felt that way continuously for months now, she looked at that photo and remembered, if only for a second, that they were happy as a family once.

Admitting Bea existed to someone else in this town had unlocked something in Alicia. She had continued to drink and play her admission off nonchalantly to Amy. She tried to dance and have fun, laughing at the terrible vocals on the karaoke machine, but it was like she opened a flood gate and the guilt that rushed forth threatened to overwhelm her. It became too much, and she had to get out of there.

She had denied Theo. Denied him by omission, but denied him nonetheless. Because how do you admit to a near stranger that you have a child that you left in a different city without them judging you? You couldn't.

She stared at Theo's happy little face on her phone background as he laughed at the camera, and the look in Bea's eyes as she wrapped her arms around him and watched him lovingly. This photo was the reason Alicia could justify to herself most of the time her decision to leave. She knew Theo was in safe, loving hands. The love Bea had for their son was undeniable and Alicia knew Bea would take care of him better than she could.

"Is this it, Love?"

The cabbie looked at Alicia in his rear view mirror and she blinked, her eyes wet with tears. She looked out the window as if she wasn't sure where she was going but saw they had already arrived at her Mum's house. "Er, yeah. Thank you." She handed over her cash and hurried out of the car without waiting for her change.

It was a little after midnight when Alicia let herself in the front door but she could see the kitchen light was on and her mother was waiting for her at the table.

"Why are you up Mam?" Alicia asked. She took a few deep breaths to try and stop her head swimming. She felt like she was 16 again sneaking home from a party with her best mate and trying to pretend she wasn't drunk on Bacardi Breezers.

Jackie smiled. She didn't seem angry, just tired. "I was waiting for you."

"You didn't have to do that."

"I did" she said simply, standing up from the table. "I'm your mother and I'm worried about you."

This time Alicia didn't argue. She dropped her handbag on the floor and threw her arms around her mum, burying her face deep into her dressing-gown. "I'm sorry Mam" she sobbed. "I just wanted to forget for a little while but it didn't help, it only made me feel worse."

Ms Munroe stroked her daughter's hair soothingly and kissed the top of her head. "Shh, darling. It's alright."

"It's not though, is it? None of this is alright." Alicia sniffed and received a warm comforting arm around her shoulders. "I don't mean I wanted to forget about Bea and Theo, I mean I wanted to forget the mess I've made of my life." She pulled away enough to see her mother's face, trying desperately to read her expression and see whether she was understood.

"I know what you mean" she reassured her. "I know you love them and you want what's best." She laughed slightly and Alicia realised she was crying too. "It's what all good mothers want for their children. You are a good mother."

"I don't think I'm what's best for him" Alicia admitted. She felt like her tears might choke her.

There was a long pause while Ms Munroe decided what to say. She hadn't seen her daughter this fragile for a long time, not since Theo's birth. She would never forget the look of utter shock and confusion on Alicia's face at the sight of this tiny brand new little human that had suddenly appeared in her life unannounced, and she saw in her eyes that Alicia was just as lost now.

"We'll just have to work to change your mind" she finally said. "But you have to want that. You have to want to get better."

"I'm not sure I can" Alicia admitted. "And after all I've done I don't know if Bea will want me back."

Jackie Munroe held Alicia's face in her hands and wiped her tears away with her thumbs. "Are you kidding me? That girl loves you. I've seen those messages she sends you every morning. And I've seen her with Theo. She loves that child of yours too."

"He's our child, Mam" Alicia said, adamantly. Bea may not have given birth to Theo, he may not have any of her genes, but she was just as much his mother as Alicia was. More so recently, in all the ways that mattered. "I miss them."

Ethan took the stairs two at a time and found the nursery door ajar and Bea sitting on the floor with a glum looking Theo cradled in her lap. He'd had a spare key to the house for years now but rarely used it. He felt odd letting himself into someone else's home, especially when he knew the occupant was home, but Bea had sounded so upset on the phone he put his misgivings aside.

"He has a temperature" Bea said. She touched her cheek to the top of Theo's head and he felt hot and clammy to the touch. "He was up most of the night with a bad cough. I shouldn't leave him, not today.

Ethan watched Bea cradle the boy and knew that she was thinking back to all those times when he was really small and caught bugs so easily it felt at the time that he was constantly ill. Alicia didn't get the pre-natal care she needed and didn't look after herself as she should've. He was born a little prematurely and needed a lot of help in his first few weeks and months of life. It was nobody's fault, both Bea and Ethan had tried so hard to make Alicia believe that. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.

Ethan crouched down on the rug. "I'll keep an eye on him, you know I will. I'm a trained medical professional too." He tried to crack a joke to lift the atmosphere but all he got in return from Bea was a sad smile. Theo clung to her sweatshirt.

"He won't let me put him down" Bea said. "Every time I try to put him in his crib he starts screaming." If Bea had her way, she'd never put him down, ever. But that wasn't helpful or practical. Out in the hallway her bag was packed and her train ticket was booked and waiting for her at the station, but all the arrangements she'd made when she was adamant that she would go to Alicia and bring her home, or at the very least talk to her face to face, were falling by the wayside.

"He'll be fine" Ethan said. "And you'll be back before you know it. Bea, I think you need to do this, for all of your sakes. You've been living in limbo since Alicia left and I can see what it's doing to you. If I could go and bring her back I would in a heartbeat, but it has to be you."

Bea nodded slowly but closed her eyes. "Is there any hope? What if she's gone for good?"

Ethan patted Bea's arm. "I don't believe she has, not for a minute. There's always hope."