Chapter 3

Alicia wasn't sure what reception she'd get arriving at work that morning. Whether Amy would be angry at her for bailing the way she did the night before, or freaked out by any of the things Alicia told her. Alicia's head was pounding, she was deeply hungover and emotionally and physically exhausted. She didn't know how she'd dragged herself out of bed and into the show that morning but somehow she managed it, and now she was here, only two minutes late.

She found Amy already at the reception desk staring into her coffee so hard it looked like she was willing it to cure all her problems. When she looked up Alicia offered her a sheepish smile. "How are you feeling?"

Amy replied with a groan but then gathered herself enough to sit up straight and look presentable by the time Alicia had walked through the partition to the right side of the desk. They would have to face the public when the doors to the surgery opened in half an hour, they may as well practice appearing alert and human now.

"Are you alright Alicia?" she asked. "Last night you left in such a hurry, I was worried about you. Did something happen?"

Yes. So much happened to explain her behaviour, but none of that stuff happened last night. The damage had been done long ago.

"Because if you're feeling weird about what you told me about having a girlfriend, I want you to know that you shouldn't, I don't care about that."

Alicia sighed. She was being so sweet and understanding without knowing why Alicia was upset, and it only made Alicia feel worse. Would she be as understanding when, or if, she ever learned the full picture of Alicia's past?

"I appreciate that, thank you" Alicia said. She left it at that.

"Have you got any asprin?" Amy asked. "You'd think there'd be all the drugs around here but apparently not."

"Sorry" Alicia said smiling. "But can pop out to the shop on my break if you're not up to moving."

"That would be ace" Amy said. "I definitely don't see myself leaving this chair in the foreseeable future. Unless it's to run to the toilet to throw up."

"Lovely. You had a good night after I left then?"

Amy only smiled coyly. "Who's our first patient of the day?" She said, not being subtle about changing the subject.

Alicia typed her password into the computer terminal and brought up the appointment list. "Mr Granger at 8am for Dr Hughes and Mrs Rogers for Dr Kirkland. There's also the baby clinic at ten." Alicia read that last entry and her words caught in her throat. She wasn't sure how she'd react to that, given her emotional state last night. She would just have to see.

"Oh great" Amy said. "Screaming kids will really do wonders for my hangover."

Bea slept most of the train ride from Holby. Since Theo didn't sleep much the night before it meant Bea didn't either. She felt a bit guilty about how relieved she was to get some peace, but she needed that break and that nap. She awoke bleary eyed to the guard shaking her awake and informing her they were at the last stop. She gathered up her bags and stumbled onto the platform.

She knew in her heart of hearts she'd done the right thing coming here, but that didn't mean it was easy leaving the house when she could hear Theo's cries as she closed the front door and left Ethan to try and settle him. Bea knew that in the long run having Alicia back was better for him than a morning of cuddles ever could be, but that didn't make it easy.

Bea found a coffee shop on the high street and settled down for a late morning coffee and muffin. She told herself she needed to gather her thoughts and really consider what she was going to say to Alicia when she finally saw her again after all these months. But the truth was she was stalling. She had Alicia's mum's address, she didn't know whether Alicia would be there or not in the middle of the day but that was the place to start, but she was scared of what might happen when she turned up unannounced.

Her worry was she would drive Alicia further away. But all her life Bea had never been any good at sitting around waiting for things to happened. If she lost Alicia because she didn't do anything that would be harder to bare than losing her because she did do something. Her father had raised her to fight for what she wanted, perhaps because he found it difficult to do that himself. And what Bea wanted more than life itself was her family back together again.

When Bea had plucked up enough courage, she made her way to the address she had been given by Jackie Munroe back when Alicia first left, when she'd messaged Bea to let her know that Alicia was here and she was safe. At the time Bea thought Alicia would be back within the week. How wrong she was.

Bea rang the doorbell and heard footsteps approaching. But she could tell straight away that they weren't Alicia's and her nerves eased. Ms Munroe opened the door and welcomed Bea with a hug. Bea returned it, and it was strange. When Alicia first told her mother about her relationship with Bea, the woman struggled a lot to accept it, perhaps because of the way her own marriage to Alicia's father had ended after learning he was having an affair with another man. But with everything that had happened since, that was all in the past and Bea liked Alicia's mum a lot. She hadn't grown up with a mum herself and was jealous of the close mother/daughter relationship they had.

"How's my little grandson?" Ms Munroe asked, leading the way back into the house. Bea was glad that was the question she led with and not 'Why are you here?' or 'Why did you not come sooner?' Bea was happy to talk about Theo. The bigger stuff could wait a bit longer.

"He was a little sniffly when I left this morning but otherwise he's great" Bea said. She was trying to convince herself too. "Ethan's looking after him for the weekend. You remember Dr Hardy?"

Jackie looked surprised. Of course she would remember Dr Hardy. Her astonishment that he wold be involved in Bea's childcare arrangements given his long and complicated history with Alicia clearly showed on her face.

"He's great with Theo" Bea continued, reading her shocked look. "Everyone at the ED is, actually. Robyn and Charlie and Duffy. Even Mrs Beauchamp has offered to look after him once or twice. I was pretty shocked about that too." Both women smiled and there was a silence that was, while not exactly comfortable, at least not filled with tension. Bea swallowed. "I take it Alicia isn't home."

Jackie walked over to the counter and began busying herself filling the kettle and fetching mugs. "No. She's at work."

"Work?" Now it was Bea's turn to be shocked.

Immediately Jackie stopped what she was doing. "I'm sorry, I thought you knew. It's only temporary but she was going to send some money to you for the mortgage. She didn't want you to have to worry about that."

Bea wasn't sure how she felt about this news. Was she happy that Alicia cared enough to think about making her mortgage payments? Or angry that she had been here long enough to even consider getting a job? Bea didn't need money, she just needed Alicia. If the three of them ended up living in a tent in the park it wouldn't matter as long as they were together.

"Where?" Bea managed to squeak out. Her mouth was suddenly dry and she had trouble forming words.

"At the doctor's surgery in town. On reception." Ms Munroe sighed. "She's not told anyone here she's a doctor, much less any other details about her life. She's more of less been hiding out in this house in denial. I don't know what I can do for her anymore. I'm glad you're here Bea, if anyone can get through to her it's you." She turned and headed towards a notepad hung on the wall by the phone. "Here, let me write down the address."

It was only lunchtime but Alicia felt like she'd done a whole day's work already. She was back to feeling mostly like herself, her headache had faded. Keeping busy had done what she hoped it would and kept her mind off her emotional turmoil. She had felt off balance all morning and it took a few hours for her to realise why. She hadn't got a message from Bea.

She was probably at work, Alicia told herself, elbow deep in some trauma. But one unwelcome thought niggled at the back of her mind; that Bea had finally given up. Alicia crossed the road to the sandwich shop with everyone's late lunch orders. She pulled her coat tightly around her body to keep out the autumn chill and tried to push all thoughts of what the lack of a morning 'I love you' from Bea might mean.

Bea had been sitting on a wall outside a barbershop within sight of the doctor's surgery for close to an hour but hadn't gone inside. She didn't know what she was waiting for really, she didn't really believe in meaningful signs and if she sat here much longer people would start to think she was stalking someone. Not that was far from the truth actually, but Bea didn't fancy having to explain.

She had gone to the Holiday Inn to dump her bags after leaving the house. She needed that time to process what she'd learnt from Jackie Munroe and was sitting here trying to figure out how she would feel when she finally saw Alicia again.

But then she didn't need to wonder anymore. Bea had watched people walk in and out of the surgery the whole time she'd been sitting here, but when the glass doors swung open again and another figure emerged Bea was in no doubt that that was Alicia. She watched her cross the road and go into a deli and her heart began to pound in anticipation. She stood up without realising, as though an invisible power was drawing her towards Alicia.

Alicia pulled open the doors to the doctors' surgery on her return and fumbled with the paper bags filled with sandwiches that she was trying not to drop. She was so lost in her own thoughts that she didn't notice anyone standing by the path until she heard someone say her name in a familiar Irish accent. She froze.

She let go of the door and it swung shut with a dull thud. Alicia turned around slowly, not quite believing that her ears weren't playing tricks on her. But if they were, then her eyes were in on the joke. It was definitely Bea, and Alicia let out an involuntary gasp of surprise. Alicia had spent many hours wondering how she would react to seeing her girlfriend again but she wasn't prepared for the reality. When she saw Bea standing there her heart gave a jolt and all she wanted to do was run into her arms. But she stopped herself. She didn't have that right anymore.

"Bea."

"Hey" Bea replied. She seemed frozen to the spot too. Alicia noticed how nervous she looked, like she was waiting for Alicia to shout at her or flee. After realising that neither of these things were going to happen immediately, Bea's shoulders visibly relaxed.

"What are you doing here?" Alicia asked. She didn't know what else to say.

There were about 6 feet between them and Bea finally managed to regain the use of her legs and took a step forward towards Alicia. She did so slowly, fighting every muscle in her body which wanted her to run. "I've come for you" she said plainly. "I've come to take you home."

"How did you find me?"

"I went to you mum's house, she sent me here."

Alicia broke eye contact and looked at the ground. Home. She didn't know where that was anymore. "Have you brought Theo?"

Bea shook her head. "He's with Ethan. I thought it would be too much for him. And for you. I have pictures and videos though. If you want."

Alicia looked up and a tear fell from her eye. She blinked. She still couldn't believe Bea was here. It was strange somehow, this town seemed so removed from her life in Holby it was a shock to have the two come together. "I don't know what to say" she said. She was trying hard not to cry and was kind of angry at herself for doing so. She had no right to cry, she was the one that had left. Bea was the one that should be crying but her face was so open and hopeful now that it only made Alicia want to cry more.

"You don't need to say anything" Bea said. "Not yet." She closed the gap between them completely then, and before Alicia knew it Bea had her arms around her. Alicia hugged back, bewildered but happy. She still clutched the lunch bags but returned the hug apprehensively.

"I've missed you" Bea said into Alicia's hair. Alicia closed her eyes and allowed just one moment of enjoyment. She took in Bea's scent and the feel of her soft hair on her cheek.

"How is Theo?" Alicia asked when they pulled apart. She didn't mistake the beaming smile that enveloped Bea's features at the mention of his name.

"He's perfect" Bea replied. Now wasn't the time to get into anything. She hadn't seen Alicia for four months, she wanted to enjoy this moment. No doubt later on there would be heightened emotions and cross words exchanged, but for now only this.

They needed to talk, but Alicia couldn't face a noisy pub or a crowded restaurant, not tonight. She wanted to have Bea to herself. She wanted to be able to talk openly without fear of being overheard. But now that they were alone in her mum's house, she wondered whether it might have been better to be in public. They sat on opposite sides of the kitchen table now. It was awkward, an oddly formal way to have such an intimate conversation with someone you used to share your life and your bed with.

"You got a job, Alicia? Come on." Bea was struggling to understand and struggling even more to hide her frustration.

"I didn't want you to have to worry about money" Alicia said, but with Bea sitting opposite her now, she realised how stupid that sounded.

"We don't need money, baby. We need you." Bea noticed how subdued Alicia seemed, how unlike her former enthusiastic and bubbly self. She said she was doing fine, but anyone could see that wasn't the truth. She looked defeated.

Alicia shook her head. She didn't believe Bea, not one bit. "When I left things had got so bad. I couldn't stand the tension, I know you couldn't either. That fight we had..."

"We both said things we didn't mean. You're right, things between us weren't great, but you leaving made me realise how much I want that to change, how much I want to fight for what we have."

"What I did… that night, leaving Theo, it's unforgivable."

"You weren't well" Bea said. She leaned across the table, as if that would make Alicia believe what she was saying more. "It's not your fault. Honestly, I blame myself. I didn't realise how bad things were. I should have realised you weren't ready to care to Theo on your own."

"I tried to hide it. I thought if I just pushed through, all the negative feelings would go away. I should have talked to you."

"I should have realised on my own. I hate myself that I didn't, that you were suffering and I didn't notice. I was so caught up in looking after Theo that I neglected you."

"No, that's how it should be. I don't blame you for that, not at all. Theo is all that matters."

"That's not true. We matter. You matter."

"No" Alicia said adamantly. "When you have a child, they're supposed to become your whole world. I saw how you are with him and I was jealous. Growing up I always dreamed of having children. I had all these ideas about the kind of mum I'd be. I thought I'd be so much better at it than I am."

"It's not too late. I promise. If you love him, it's not too late."

"I do love him, so much. That's why I left. How will he feel growing up with a parent who resents his existence? It sounds harsh, but it's true. I don't say this to be cruel, I love that little boy so much, but all I see whenever I look at him is Eddie."

Bea shook her head defiantly. She reached out and grabbed Alicia's hand. "No. He has big blue eyes and a face full of freckles. He's so kind and full of life. He's all you, Alicia. When I look at him, all I see is you."

Alicia smiled. She was touched by Bea's words but it wasn't enough. The feelings of guilt she felt couldn't be wiped away as easily as that. "It's not Theo's fault. No one can choose who their parents are. But I know I never would have gone through with the pregnancy if I had any other choice and that's the truth."

Bea looked away. It hurt her to hear that but she understood. She loved Theo and wouldn't change his place in the world for anything, but having him nearly ripped Alicia apart. She had finally begun to come to terms with her rape, she was moving on after the trial and trying to forget. And then she had collapsed at work and tests revealed she was 24 weeks pregnant. It was a shock to both of them, but especially Alicia of course. Neither her nor Bea understood how they had missed the fact she was pregnant, and assurances from the doctor that concealed pregnancies were more common than you'd think didn't do anything to help.

One tearful night three weeks before Theo was born Alicia had broken down in Bea's arms and admitted that if she wasn't past the legal limit to have a termination she would have done. Bea held her and they both cried and Bea promised, not for the first time, that she wasn't going anywhere and would be there for Alicia always.

"You remember what a mess I was when we found out, I nearly lost my mind." Bea was snapped out of her thoughts by Alicia's voice. "I felt like I had no control over my own life. I was scared, and angry at this tiny baby who wasn't even born yet and hadn't asked to be conceived. I hated my own kid before I'd even met him."

"Maybe" Bea said, her mind flashing back to that time. But unlike Alicia who only seemed to remember the bad, Bea instead focused on the glimmers of happiness that shone through those dark memories. "But I also remember the look of wonder on your face when he was born and the midwife handed him to you. I remember us painting the nursery together and choosing his name. It wasn't all terrible, was it?"

"I think about the future" Alicia said, side stepping Bea's question. "When Theo grows up and asks who his father is, what are we going to tell him? I can't imagine how it would make a person feel knowing they exist because…" Alicia trailed off. She couldn't finish that sentence, it was too difficult.

Despite herself, Bea smiled. Hearing Alicia talk about the future, even surrounding such a hard conversation she would never be ready to have filled her with hope.

Alicia caught the odd expression on her face. "What?"

"You're thinking about the future."

"Of course I am. I want a future with you Bea, I'm just not sure I'm ready yet."

And just like that the hope was dampened. She sighed and closed her eyes. "I can't keep doing this, Alicia. I can't keep talking in circles. You say something that makes me think you want to come home and really try to work things through, but then you run scared. I want to move forward with my life, I feel like I've been treading water all these months waiting to lose you for good and I can't take it anymore."

Bea put both her hands on the table, a gesture that showed she was putting all her cards on the table. On the train up here she had told herself she wouldn't put pressure on Alicia, that she'd take it slowly and gently, but she so passionately wanted this to work she reneged on her promise. She wasn't proud of it, but she wasn't beyond blackmail, not when there was so much at stake.

"I'm scared that if you don't come back they'll take Theo away. I love that kid so damn much, Alicia. I can't lose him."

Bea and Alicia locked eyes and they knew they were thinking about the same awful night when something in Alicia had finally snapped. Home alone with the baby and unable to stop his screams, she had left him in his crib and fled the house. Alicia could still hear the sound of the front door slamming behind her. That single thoughtless action nearly cost her everything.

This memory shocked Alicia out of the inward spiral her thoughts had taken. "Adopt him" she said. The words escaped her mouth before she could stop them, but she persevered. "I mean it, you were going to anyway. I'll sign whatever you need."

Bea squeezed her eyes tight, ready to burst. "That's not what I meant" she said. Her frustration was bubbling dangerously close to the surface. She didn't want to shout. Because the last argument they'd had led to Alicia walking straight out the door and she didn't want to spend another 4 months without her.

"I should go" Bea said, standing up from the table. "I don't want to fight with you, and I'm afraid I'll lose my temper if I stay. I'll find you tomorrow, we'll talk again." If ultimatums were her thing, Bea might have said that if Alicia didn't want that she would fight her for Theo, that he was the only thing that truly mattered in all of this. But it wasn't her style.

At the door she turned back around to Alicia to deliver her parting words. "Alicia, I love you. I want you to get well and I want you home with me and our son. You have to decide if you want those things too."

Bea lay on the hotel bed in the dark, fully clothed on top of the covers. She'd been in her hotel room for hours but she hadn't even undressed, let alone slept. Hot tears ran down her cheeks and she wanted to put her fist through the wall. It shouldn't be this hard, loving someone. She was angry at Alicia, she was angry at herself, but above all else she was angry at the universe for conspiring against them.

All she wanted was to be happy, and Alicia and Theo made her happy. In a perfect world it would be as simple as that, all the pieces of the puzzle would slot into place, but this world was far from perfect and Bea felt powerless to do anything about it. On one hand she wanted to stay in this town as long as it took to convince Alicia that Holby was where she belonged. On the other hand, it hadn't even been one night and Bea missed Theo so much it hurt. She had pestered Ethan all day for updates. Ethan assured her that there was nothing seriously wrong with Theo. He only had a little bit of a cold but was already getting better and he seemed happy enough that Uncle Ethan was the one taking care of him.

Despite all he'd been through, Theo was quite a happy little boy. He was smiley and playful and not fazed at meeting strangers. All the time he'd spent hanging out in the ED could be thanked for that. Meeting Theo, you'd never have any idea about his traumatic entrance to the world or the hard start to life he had, or even the uncertain state of his home life. He was a resilient child, and Bea hoped that would always be the case. God knows, he'd need to be.

Bea's phone rang and the fumbled in the dark to pick it up. She expected it to be Ethan but she squinted at the display and was surprised to see Alicia's name instead.

"Alicia?" Bea's voice came out as a squeak. She reached over and switched on the bedside lamp.

"I'm so glad you answered" Alicia said on the other end of the line. Her voice was quiet. "I didn't think you would."

"What is it?"

"To see you. I'm outside. What's your room number?"

Even as she said the number out loud Bea wondered whether it was a mistake. She wanted a break from fighting. She was afraid they'd just go round and round in circles again, that nothing would be resolved and they'd only be more upset with each other and more wound up. But she didn't think for long. Hearing Alicia's voice, knowing she was so close by, Bea wasn't strong enough to resist.

"207."

"Unlock the door."

Ten minutes later the door hinges creaked and Alicia was standing in Bea's hotel room. It felt like hours to Bea, time seemed to stand still as she waited.

"Sorry" Alicia said. She removed her coat and threw it over the back of the chair. "I had to sneak past security."

Bea was sitting on the edge of the bed, bleary eyed and disorientated. "What are you doing here?"

"I needed to see you. I couldn't leave things the way they were when you left the house."

"We won't solve anything tonight" Bea said softly. "I think we both need a break from talking. Today has been a lot, for both of us."

Alicia walked towards Bea and took hold of both her hands. "I didn't come here to talk, Bea." Alicia pulled Bea to her feet and Bea was powerless to stop it. In the dim light Bea tried to search Alicia's face for some clue as to why she had really come and she got her answer when Alicia leaned in and whispered in her ear. "I've missed you. I love you too."

Bea closed her eyes. She could feel Alicia's breath on her cheek and smell her shampoo. It made her want to melt into her arms and stay there. "I've missed you too" Bea managed to say, and it was a wonder coherent words left her mouth, so lost was she in Alicia's scent and the feel of her hands in hers. "But this isn't a good idea, there's so much we need to sort out before we can even think…"

Alicia silenced Bea with a kiss. Quick and tender and right on the lips. "There will be plenty of time for that" she said. "I don't want to talk." She pulled away and looked Bea straight in the eyes, pleading with her to agree, wearing her down with her touch. Her hands travelled up Bea's arms and across her back.

Bea didn't fight it. This time it was Bea who initiated the kiss. It was slow and deep and hungry. The rational part of Bea's brain was shut off when Alicia kissed her.

Alicia needed this, although she couldn't quite articulate why. She supposed she wanted to remember what it was like in the beginning between them. When she was healing and happy and before Theo appeared on the scene. Although of course he was always there, hiding, even when nobody knew it, waiting to change their lives forever.

Alicia loved her son deeply. But it was a complicated love. Other mothers she'd known had led her to believe that a mother's love for her child was the purest, simplest form of love there was that Alicia had found that was far from the case. Tonight she didn't want to think about him, as bad as that thought was. The simplest thought in Alicia's mind in that moment was how much she wanted Bea.

"You won't always be able to shut me up with a kiss you know" said Bea, breathless.

"I know" Alicia replied, but she smiled and did just that again before they melted into each other's arms.