Hello. I really hope someone out there is reading and enjoying this story. I've certainly enjoyed writing it and I'm quite proud of the result. If you are enjoying it I would love to hear what you think.

Chapter 4

Bea awoke to an empty bed and a message notification from Ethan. It turned out to be a video of Theo at breakfast, porridge smeared across his chubby cheeks as he danced along to whatever pop song was playing on the radio. It was a source of amusement for Bea that Theo seemed to love all the music Ethan hated and insisted on it being played at any opportunity. She watched the video four or five times as she lay in bed. Seeing her child's smiling face was the right way to begin the day, she needed all the positive energy she could get before she'd be forced to deal with the fact that Alicia was gone.

Bea wanted so much to wake up in Alicia's arms. It was true that she was here trying to convince Alicia to come home, in large part for Theo, but she couldn't deny that she was here for selfish reasons too. She missed Alicia's company and she missed her warmth. Bea felt like she had got a little of that back last night but this morning the magic was broken the moment Bea opened her eyes and realised that Alicia wasn't in the room and her things had gone. Her heart sank.

Bea pushed back the covers and sat up in bed. The movement of the duvet dislodged a piece of paper and it fluttered to the floor on the side of the bed Alicia had fallen asleep in last night. Bea stretched down and retrieved it. On the hotel note paper left on the desk was the following message:

I had to leave for work. You looked so peaceful I didn't want to wake you. Last night was wonderful. I've missed waking up beside you. If you want to talk later you can find me at work, but there's no pressure. A x

Bea held the piece of paper in her hands and stared at the words. She knew what this meant, she knew Alicia well enough by now that could read the subtext as clearly as the actual words. It said she was scared. It said she was fearful that Bea would decide that she wasn't worth it after all and would wake up in the morning and tell her she regretted it. Alicia was giving Bea an out. It had happened before.

From the first time they tried to sleep together and Alicia had a panic attack, to when she found out she was pregnant and told Bea she didn't have to stay, Alicia had given Bea countless opportunities to get out. But Bea had not considered leaving her for a moment. Hard or not, Bea had made up her mind that Alicia was the one and Bea Kinsella was not the kind of person to quit. Sure, her life might have been easier without Alicia and Theo, but just because something was hard didn't mean it wasn't worth having, and Bea couldn't imagine her life now without either of them.

She wished Alicia had woken her up, she wished she was still here now, and above all she wished that Alicia could see that she could trust Bea to be there for her no matter what. Alicia had kept so much of what she was feeling to herself until it all got too much, if she had only confided in Bea sooner how much she was struggling things may not have gotten so bad.

Bea wanted to run to Alicia now and tell her all of this, but she had to give her space. She knew Alicia would be anxious and replaying every moment of yesterday over and over in her mind wondering what she should have done differently. Bea needed to give her time to process everything so even though it would be hard to resist, Bea had to wait.

"Are you alright? Your mind has been somewhere else all morning."

Alicia blinked. It took a second for her to realise she was at work and Dr Kirkland was leaning over the reception desk waiting for Alicia to answer a question she hadn't even heard. The doctor smiled kindly as she pushed her glasses up her nose.

Alicia was embarrassed. She sat up straighter and tried her best to focus. "I'm sorry. What did you say?"

"I asked if you had called all Dr Hughes' patients to let them know that he wouldn't be in today. Honestly, he couldn't have picked a worse time to catch the flu."

"Risk of the job I suppose" Alicia said.

Dr Kirkland nodded. "Unfortunately. Do you have Luke Pearson's ECG print out?"

Alicia shifted some papers aside on her desk and handed the page to the doctor. Dr Kirkland studied Alicia for a moment before she took the paper. "Are you sure you're alright?"

Alicia wondered what she looked like, why it was so obvious to this woman that there was something the matter with her. But doctors become fine tuned to reading peoples expressions, sometimes a first impression of a person was more truthful in diagnosing the problem than anything they say. Alicia remembered that much, because she was the same way."

"I just have a lot on my mind" Alicia said, trying for a smile. "But don't worry, it won't affect my work."

Amy looked away from her screen when Dr Kirkland had left reception. "You do look troubled, now you mention it" she said.

Alicia couldn't handle his much attention this morning, no matter how well meaning. She had rushed out of Bea's hotel room in a hurry, afraid to face what happened last night, what she instigated. Alicia thought burying her head in her job might be the answer but actually, what she realised she needed was time to be alone and think clearly about what it meant. She felt she needed to figure that out before she saw Bea again. But judging by the number of people in the crowded waiting room and the phone that wouldn't stop ringing there wasn't a lot of chance she would get that here today.

The sliding doors parted and yet another patient walked up to the desk. A worried looking woman tucked her blonde hair nervously behind her ears. She guided a rather ill looking young girl. She looked pale and weak, her mothers hand on her back seemingly all that was keeping her standing.

"Hi, morning" the woman said. "We're here to see Dr. Kirkland. The name's Alexandra Bryant. Please, my daughter's in a lot of pain. She cut her arm quite badly you see, I think the stitches need looking at."

Alicia nodded, but kept her eyes on the girl even as she checked her in. She was about eleven with long light brown hair and a bandaged arm. "Don't worry, someone will be with you just as soon as we can."

"There's a bit of a wait I'm afraid" Amy piped up. "But have a seat and we'll get to you as soon as we can."

The woman gave a strained smile but didn't fuss. Alicia watched the mother and daughter drift into the waiting area and find two empty seats. She watched them through the partition and her brow furrowed. "Did she look well?" Alicia asked, but she wasn't really talking to Amy, more to herself.

"What?"

"That girl. She didn't look good at all."

"Most people who come here don't" Amy said matter-of-factly and went back to whatever she was doing.

"No, I mean…" Without really thinking about what she was doing, Alicia walked out from behind the desk and went towards the mother and daughter. Amy watched her go, her mouth open in surprise.

Alicia crouched down on the ground in front of the young patient. "How do you feel Alexandra?" Alicia asked.

The woman had her arm around the girl and she gave her a squeeze. "You're holding up aren't you Lexi?" She turned to Alicia. "We'll wait, don't worry, I know everyone here needs the doctor too."

Alicia's heart began to beat faster. She knew she was overstepping in her current role as 'GP receptionist' but she couldn't ignore her medical training and she had a bad feeling about this girl's health. "Lexi, is your arm really sore?"

The girl nodded. "It looks nasty too."

"Do you feel dizzy at all? Or sick?"

Lexi nodded again. "I kind of can't breathe."

"Is it alright if I have a look at your arm?" Alicia asked. The mother looked like she was about to protest, but didn't speak. Lexi nodded and Alicia slowly peeled back the bandage. The wound was angry and red and definitely infected.

The mother gasped. "It didn't look like that before" she said.

Alicia took a deep breath. Even as she said these words she realised how they must sound, coming from a receptionist, but it wasn't important what people thought of her right now, what was important was this little girl. "I think we should call an ambulance" she said and the look of alarm and scepticism on the mother's face was exactly what she would expect to see.

"What? Can't we just wait for the doctor?"

"There's no time" Alicia said and stood up in a hurry. She walked quickly to the corridor where all the treatment rooms were located, pulling her phone out of her pocket as she went. She banged on the door to Dr Kirkland's room but opened it without waiting for an answer. Dr Kirkland wasn't with a patient, but she looked annoyed at the intrusion until she saw the panic on Alicia's face.

"You need to come" she said. "And we need to call an ambulance."

"What's happened?"

"There's a young girl in the waiting area and…" Alicia swallowed. Her cover would be blown for sure, she took only a second to worry about that. Any longer than that might make all the difference. "She's showing the early signs of sepsis."

To her credit Dr Kirkland didn't waste any time asking how Alicia could possibly know that, but the look she gave Alicia as she made her way to the waiting room told Alicia that she would get to the bottom of that later.

In only the two minutes Alicia was gone, Lexi had deteriorated. Her skin was clammy and she was barely awake. Her frantic mother was desperately trying to rouse her.

"Alright, let's see what we have here" Dr Kirkland said calmly, kneeling on the floor. Now everyone in the waiting room was watching the scene.

Alicia didn't wait for Dr Kirkland to confirm what she already suspected. She dialled 999 and stood back as she waited for the call to connect. "Ambulance please" Alicia said when the operator answered the call. "Riverside Surgery, I have an eleven year old girl with query sepsis."

It was still only mid afternoon but Alicia had nothing left in her. Ever since the paramedics had taken Alexandra Bryant away, Alicia could feel everyone watching her and wondering and she knew that it was only a matter of time before her white lies were revealed.

She was sitting in Dr Kirkland's treatment room, waiting for the doctor to return. She was close to tears. This wasn't meant to be like this, but she couldn't keep her mouth shut when there was someone's life at stake, no matter the consequences to herself. She was still a doctor, it wasn't something you could switch off.

The door opened and Dr Kirkland re-entered the room. "I've just got off the phone to the hospital. You were right, it was sepsis. But it was caught early and the prognosis is good." She closed the door and walked slowly back to her chair. "You might have saved her life, Alicia." She sat down slowly and deliberately. She was very calm and measured, the opposite to the nervous wreck that was Alicia. Her hands were shaking and her mouth was dry. Alicia knew there was no point hiding anymore.

Dr Kirkland pressed her hands together and leaned towards Alicia ever so slightly. "You haven't been honest with us, have you?" she asked, although she wasn't accusatory, merely curious.

"I've not been honest with myself for a long time. I don't even know where to start."

"The beginning? Alicia, I'm not here to judge. Anything you say to me won't leave this room."

"Dr Kirkland, you have patients to see…"

"Please call me Sarah. And don't worry about that. You seem quite shaken by what happened…"

Alicia was shaken, sure, but it wasn't about the patient. She took a deep breath. If she was going to bite the bullet and spill her sorry life story, now was as good a time as any.

"Until four months ago I was a registrar in the emergency department of Holby City General. I was good at my job and I liked it. It was about the only part of my life I felt in control of. My personal life is a mess. I came here to get away and have a bit of a fresh start. No one was supposed to know I was a doctor, but then I saw that girl and knew something was wrong."

"Your instincts were spot on, Alicia. I don't understand why you would keep the fact you're a doctor a secret. You're obviously very good. I tried emergency medicine for a while, I couldn't handle it."

Alicia smiled at the compliment. "It's a long story, you don't need to know all the sordid details. I'll be fine, really. I'm fine." But she wasn't fine. The thought came to her that at this very second this woman, this older doctor, was impressed with her and thought the best of her. In a few minutes, if Alicia told the whole truth, her opinion might very well plummet.

Dr Kirkland sensed her hesitation and put her hand on top of Alicia's. "If there's something else on your mind you can tell me. It would be confidential, of course."

"I left my family back in Holby, only my Mam is here. Everything just got so overwhelming, I felt like I was suffocating." The GP was silent, she just let Alicia talk. "You see, it's been nearly two years since my son was born and I haven't been right since. I had post-natal depression I think, but I never asked for help and it just got worse and worse."

"A lot of women experience some kind of depression after having a child, it can creep up on you with no warning. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

It was remarkable, Alicia thought, how little this doctor was fazed by her revelations. There was something about her that inspired trust and until then Alicia hadn't realised how much keeping her life a secret was wearing her down. Until that second, she thought that all that was burdening her was the guilt she felt at leaving Bea and Theo, and the inner turmoil of what she had done. But that wasn't only it and she was slowly beginning to realise that hiding who she was was more taxing than she thought.

Alicia laughed at her comment. If only it was that simple. "There was warning though. Plenty of it." She took a deep breath, trying to prevent her voice from breaking. "I was raped. I knew the guy, he worked at the hospital with me. The baby's his." Alicia felt sick whenever she thought about that. It was a fact that she couldn't escape, no matter how much she wanted to. Theo was half her and half Eddie, nothing would ever change that and Alicia didn't believe she'd ever come to terms with it completely. All she could do was try not to let the fact consume her or cloud her relationship with her son.

Sarah saw how much it pained Alicia to say that out loud. "I'm sorry you went through that" she said, but then corrected herself. "I'm sorry you're going through that."

Now Alicia had started talking she couldn't stop. "I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was almost 6 months along. To this day I have no idea how I didn't realise. To begin with I just thought it was stress, and then I guess I was in denial, but my head was all over the place. It was a shock, though that's a massive understatement. For me and my partner. We hadn't been together all that long. Things were going well and then this bombshell hit us. Anyway, it was too late for an abortion and once he was born I knew I couldn't bring myself to give him up. He couldn't help how he came into this world, you know? I never want him to grow up believing that he wasn't wanted." Alicia paused, catching her breath. "He had a lot of health problems that were my fault and every time I looked at him I felt like a failure. I didn't look after myself, I smoked and I drank too much to try and deal with my trauma, I wasn't eating properly. I didn't know Theo existed at the time, but that doesn't help the guilt I feel. He's fine now, so Bea tells me, just small for his age, but that still doesn't help."

"Bea?"

"My girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend? I'm not actually sure anymore." Alicia paused allowing her revelations so far to sink in but Dr Kirkland seemed unfazed. She continued. "What I am sure of is that she's a better mother to Theo than I could ever be. When I left Holby I was in no frame of mind to look after myself let alone a child. I did something unforgivable." Alicia looked away, she couldn't meet the doctor's eye. "I left Theo alone. Everything got too much and I walked out the house. I was convinced that they would both be better off without me. I'm not proud of it."

"What do you think now?"

"I think I miss them." Alicia was forced to stop while she wiped her eyes with her sleeve. She was being more honest with this woman and herself than she had been in a long time. Something about leaping in and helping that girl, about being a doctor again, if only for a minute, reminded her of her whole life and what she was missing. "I miss who I used to be. I wish things were different and we could be a happy family. Bea came here to try and convince me to come home. She's still here now, in this town. She thinks that if we love each other and we both love Theo that's all that matters and everything else can be fixed, but I don't know." Alicia's hands fell to her lap and she looked down at the floor sadly. "She was there for me through everything and couldn't have been more supportive or caring if she tried. But it didn't happen to her and sometimes I wonder if she understands at all."

"It sounds like she really cares for you."

Alicia nodded. She couldn't fathom why after all she'd put her through. "She wants me to get counselling and get better. Whatever that means. My Mam thinks that's what I need too."

"It's great to have people looking out for you but you need to want to make the change yourself. If you do, I can help you. Whether you stay here or not, I'll try." Dr Kirkland reached over and squeezed Alicia's hand. "It will get better, Alicia."

Alicia took a deep break as she left Dr Kirkland's office. She walked slowly down the hallway back to reception. She would have a lot of explaining to do to Amy but she wanted to get back to work. The monotony of administration and answering the phone was what she needed.

She walked back to the waiting area, bracing herself to have twenty pairs of eyes staring at her with a million silent questions that she couldn't answer. She imagined everyone passing judgement on her. What had she done to end up here, far from home and hiding who she was? But when she entered the reception, she didn't notice twenty pairs of eyes starting at her. She only noticed one pair.

Bea stood up when she saw Alicia and smiled.

"You came" Alicia said, hardly believing it.

"You told me to come" Bea said. "I'm sorry if…"

Her reply was cut short by Alicia falling into her arms. Bea hugged her tight and the relief in that moment felt so good. All the tension and worry and anger and angst hat had been brewing for god knows how many months now seemed to vanish in that one hug. It meant more than spending the night together, more than the countless 'I'm sorrys' they had both said so much the word had lost all meaning. That hug felt like a fresh start. It felt like a promise to do whatever it took to mend what was broken.

It felt like coming home.