Hello everyone. Thank you so much for the reviews so far, it means a lot. Afte rthis chapter, there will be one more plus an epilogue. Happy reading.

Chapter 5

Curled up in Bea's arms, the warmth of her body against hers, Alicia felt emotionally and physically exhausted, but also happier than she had felt in a very long time. Alicia knew there was a long road ahead. She had depression, she realised that now, and it would be a long and complicated journey to overcome it, or at least manage it. Alicia wasn't naïve enough to think she could ever be the person she was, before Eddie, before any of this. In her darkest moments she used to think that's what she wanted. To wind back the clock to before that night and live her life over again. But if she did that, she wouldn't have Bea, at least not the way she did now, and she certainly wouldn't have Theo. Alicia knew that part of her recovery would involve letting go of what could have been and accepting what was.

"Tell me about him" Alicia said. Bea stopped stroking her hair and look down at Alicia questioningly. Alicia smiled. "Theo. Tell me about him."

Bea returned her smile. The joy on her face was unmistakable, although whether that was from thinking of the little boy back in Holby or from Alicia asking after him, it wasn't clear. It didn't really matter.

"He's the happiest child I've ever met" Bea said. "He loves to run. The minute we walk through the park gate's he's off, making friends and causing havoc. He loves dinosaurs. His favourite toy is a cuddly stegosaurus that Dr Keogh bought him."

Alicia laughed. "Dylan?"

"Yep. Believe me, I was surprised too. Ethan and I named the dinosaur after him. He loved that."

"I bet." Alicia sighed. Ethan. She owed him a debt she thought she'd never be able to repay. But she didn't want to think about that now, she wanted to hear about her son.

Bea sensed Alicia's melancholy and wrapped both her arms around her tightly. She resumed her story. "He won't go to sleep without a bedtime story. His current favourite is 'Where the Wild Things Are'. I reckon I could recite that book from memory. I can even do all the voices. He might be the only kid on the planet who actually likes broccoli. He loves to help me cook."

Alicia turned her head to look at Bea's face and a small smirk crossed her face. "You cook?"

Bea chuckled. "Well, I can boil vegetables in a pan. I'm hardly Jamie Oliver."

"What else?"

"Everyone at the hospital loves him. He's got twenty honorary aunts and uncles that spoil him rotten. He's absolutely besotted with Charlotte. Whenever Robyn looks after him he follows her around like a shadow."

A tear slid down Alicia's cheek but Bea was staring out into the room too lost in her thoughts to notice. Alicia let it fall. She deserved to cry. There were people in this world who knew her own child better than she did and for that she deserved to feel pain and guilt. But instead of hiding from those feelings and pushing them down she would have to let them in and use them to get better. To become a better parent and a better person.

"Theo's grown a lot since…" Bea hesitated. "Since you left. He's thriving."

"He's healthy?" Alicia asked, her voice small and uncertain. "He's ok?"

"Yes. He's perfect. Don't worry about that. I promise, he's ok. He's almost outgrown his cot, we'll have to think about getting him a proper little bed soon."

Now Alicia's tears fell in earnest and this time Bea couldn't help but notice. Alicia's baby boy wasn't a baby anymore and Alicia hadn't been there to see him grow.

"Hey. What's the matter?" Bea wiped Alicia's cheek with the palm of her hand and planted a kiss on her forehead.

"I'm such an idiot" she said. "I've missed so much. I can't forgive myself, and I don't see how you or Theo could ever forgive me either."

"You're not well, Alicia. No one blames you and you shouldn't blame yourself. Not after all you've been through. Theo will forgive you, of course he will. He warms to people so quickly, even total strangers. As far as he's concerned within a week it will be like you were never away. You'll see." Bea shifted on the sofa so she was facing Alicia. "And as for me, how could I not forgive you? You're the love of my life, Alicia. Nothing is going to change that."

"I don't deserve you" Alicia said. She put her hand on Bea's cheek. "After all I've done I don't feel I deserve your love or your forgiveness. But I'll try to earn it. If you let me come home I'll try every day to be a better partner and mother."

Bea looked into Alicia's eyes, her vision blurred with tears. "Of course I will. All I want is for us to be a family."

"I know it won't be easy. I know now that I need help. I need to get better and prove to social services that I can be a good mother. And I need to prove it to you."

"You don't need to prove anything to me" Bea said. "I love you. No conditions."

"Then I need to prove it to myself."

"Everything will work out, I promise."

"That's a big promise to make, you don't know that."

"Maybe not, but I believe it. I believe in you." Bea offered her arms to Alicia again and Alicia welcomed the embrace. She didn't know how she had survived the last four months without Bea there to anchor her. In her arms she felt like she was home, there was no other way to explain it.

There was the sound of a key turning in the door. "Mam's home" Alicia said, but she made no attempt to disentangle herself from Bea's arms.

"Hey love, have you had a good day?" Jackie called from the hallway. She walked into the living room, rummaging in her handbag for something but when she saw Alicia and Bea curled up together on the sofa she stopped and a big smile spread across her face. But then she looked closer and saw the troubled look on Alicia's face. "Did something happen love?"

Bea was the one who answered. "There was a medical emergency in the waiting area and she had to intervene."

Ms Munroe walked over and perched on the arm of the sofa. "They found out you're a doctor?"

Alicia nodded, but she first touched Bea's face reassuringly then smiled at her mother. "But it's ok. It had to come out sooner or later, I couldn't hide forever."

"Were you there?" Jackie asked Bea.

"No, I came after."

"I spoke to one of the GPs there. Dr Kirkland. I spilled everything, about Theo and my rape and why I left."

Jackie squeezed her daughter's shoulder. "Oh, love."

"Mam, it's ok. I feel relieved quite honestly. I didn't think talking to anyone would help, but it really did."

Now Jackie Munroe was the one to look relieved. She leaned over and gave Alicia a hug. "I'm so happy to hear you say that. Right" she released Alicia and stood up. "I'm going to have a bath and put my comfy clothes on. I'll leave you two alone. Maybe we can order a take away later, what do you think?"

Alicia smiled. "That's sounds great."

Later, with the remains of their Chinese piled on the kitchen worktop and the washing up drying on the draining board, Alicia and Bea were once again snuggled on the sofa. Jackie had already gone to bed and the house was quiet.

"It's getting late" Bea said. She said it cautiously, asking the question of 'what next' without actually saying it. "Do you want me to stay?"

"Do you still have the hotel room?" Alicia asked, her voice just as tentative.

"For one more night."

Alicia smiled and planted a tender kiss on Bea's lips. "Can I stay with you there? I promise I'll be there in the morning."

Waking up in Alicia's arms was Bea's bliss, and this morning she got her wish. Burrowed in the crisp white covers with Alicia stroking her hair was the perfect way to begin her day. For a long time after they woke up they just sat there, half reclining against the pillows propped up on the headboard.

Alicia was the one to break the silence. She needed to say this. "I'm sorry" she said in a whisper. "I've been so selfish. I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts and feelings I never really thought how all this would be affecting you. I left you to look after Theo all on your own, not to mention explain away my absence to Mrs Beauchamp. That wasn't fair. I'm sorry."

Bea sighed. She didn't know how to answer straight away. It was tough, she wasn't going to pretend otherwise. In many ways the toughest four months of her life. She was upset and angry but she couldn't afford to dwell on those feelings for too long. Not with a little boy who was just as upset but without the ability to understand why his life had changed so suddenly. Bea held it together for Theo, but in those first few weeks especially she needed someone to hold it together for her.

Bea didn't say any of this in that moment, there was no point. There'd be time for that, probably in therapy sessions she'd have to attend along with Alicia eventually. Because it wasn't only Alicia who had things to work through before they could move on with their lives. Instead, right now all she did was hold tighter to Alicia. She wrapped her arms around her waist. "I love you" was all she said.

Bea's lack of response wasn't lost on Alicia but she'd said all she needed to say and didn't want to spoil the moment any more. "I love you too."

"I have to go back to Holby today" Bea said with a sigh. She didn't want to put any pressure on Alicia but she had to go back, life didn't stop for anyone. "I have a shift tomorrow and Ethan's probably going crazy." Bea turned to face Alicia, thinking it important she saw her face when she said this. "You don't have to come with me though, not yet. If you need some more time that's ok, I'll understand."

"No, I'll come" Alicia answered. She didn't hesitate but her voice shook.

Bea saw how nervous she was but grinned broadly. "I'm so happy to hear you say that."

"There are a couple of things I need to do first though" she said. "But not yet. Can we just lie here a while longer?"

"Absolutely. I could stay here all day."

"I can't believe you kept this a secret." Amy grabbed Alicia's phone and stared at the photo of Theo on the screen. "He's proper cute. What's his name?"

In the corner of the coffee shop, Alicia and Amy sat nursing lattes and fruit toast for breakfast.

"Theo" Alicia said. "Theo Nathaniel. He's almost two."

Amy smiled down at the photo for a second longer then handed Alicia back her phone. "He's beautiful." Amy took a sip of her coffee and looked at Alicia across the table from her. "Look, I know I ask too many questions half the time, I can't help it. But this time I'm going to keep my mouth shut. You've clearly got a lot going on. You don't have to tell me anything."

Alicia smiled gratefully. "Thank you. I know you must have a lot of questions."

"I do" Amy said, a glint in her eye. "But I won't ask them."

"It's a long and ugly story" Alicia said. "I hope you'll understand if I don't want to share it."

"Of course" Amy said. "You don't know me anything."

"But I do. You were a friend to me these past few months when I had no one by my mum to talk to. You helped me, even if you don't realise it."

"I wish I could have helped you more" Amy said. She paused and leant back in her chair the way she did when she did have a question to ask. Alicia braced herself. "So, a doctor hey?"

Alicia laughed. "Yep."

"Wow. In an emergency department too. I can't even imagine."

"It can be pretty full on" Alicia said. "But it's great. I really love it." Alicia hadn't admitted to herself until now that she missed her job as much as she did. She didn't even know if she had a job to go back to in all honestly, not after leaving so abruptly without a word. Even if Mrs Beauchamp would let her come back, she knew there would be conditions which probably included many months of counselling before she would even consider letting Alicia loose on patients.

"I wanted to be a doctor when I was little" Amy sad. "I still do kind of. But I was too crap at science so it's never going to happen. Receptionist at a GP surgery is probably as close as I'll ever get to the healthcare profession. Saving lives though, that's special. It must be cool. Like that little girl yesterday. It sounds like they caught the infection in time thanks to you."

"There are other things you could do besides being a doctor" Alicia said. "have you considered being a paramedic? You're great with people, I think it would really suit you."

Amy shrugged but Alicia could see that she had planted a germ of an idea in the young woman and a small smiled crept over her face.

"I can't drive" Amy said. "Don't you have to be able to drive?"

"Yeah. But you can learn."

Amy was quiet but Alicia could see the cogs turning in her brain. The bell above the door chimed and Bea walked in carrying her holdall. She kissed Alicia on the top of the head when she approached their table.

"All checked out?" Alicia asked.

"Yeah. I'm dying for a coffee." Bea pulled up a chair and sat down next to Alicia.

"This is Bea" Alicia said to Amy. It felt good, being able to introduce Bea to someone here. It was strange for Alicia to be out in the world with these two people in the same room. She still couldn't quite believe she didn't have to hide anymore.

"We met briefly yesterday" Amy said, but she held out her hand for Bea to shake and she did warmly. "But it's nice to meet you properly."

"Can I get either of you anything while I'm up?" Bea asked. She took out her purse but Amy stopped her.

"I'll go" Amy said sliding out from the booth. "What would you like."

"An americano please. A dash of milk. Cheers."

Alicia shook her head. "I'm alright."

"Cool. Be right back."

"She seems like a nice girl" Bea said, watching Amy go.

"She is. I'll miss her."

Until they were in Alicia's car and heading down the motorway Bea wouldn't allow herself to really believe Alicia was coming home after all this time, but that didn't mean she couldn't take some joy from imagining it to be true.

"We need to talk later" Bea said. "Nothing bad, I promise. But we need to make plans. If you're going to come back to Holby I want to do things right. I'm afraid that if we try and carry on like nothing happen the same problems will surface again."

"I won't let that happen" Alicia said in a hushed voice. "But I know you're right." Alicia saw that Amy was heading back to the table with Bea's coffee and a plate of cookies. She took Bea's hand and kissed it once. She smiled. And in that smile was a promise that everything would get better.

It was a weekend so the surgery was closed except for emergencies and the waiting area was eerily quiet, but Dr Kirkland was there as she told Alicia she would be, and when Alicia rang the buzzer and she came to the front door to let her in she looked as though she had spent all morning expecting her.

Alicia declined the offer of tea, not wanting to stretch this out for any longer than she had to. She followed Dr Kirkland to her treatment room and they both sat down.

"I don't belong here" Alicia said. She meant to start this conversation more gently but those were the words that escaped her mouth first. "I have to leave this job, I'm sorry to put you in this position. It's not who I am, treating that girl yesterday made me remember what it was like. I'm a doctor. A good doctor. I need to get back to that. And this town, it's not my home. My family is in Holby. I need to be with them."

Sarah Kirkland listened to Alicia with patience and understanding. She nodded slowly. "Don't worry about the job. Amy can handle it by herself for a week or so, she's quite a capable girl when she really puts her mind to it." Alicia smiled, remembering their conversation from a couple of hours ago. She had a feeling Amy might not be in this job for much longer either but she kept that to herself. "The most important thing is your health and wellbeing and being with your family."

Alicia thought about walking through the front door of her house and seeing Theo again and a warm glow built up inside her. But at the same time, tears formed in her eyes. "I'm worried I won't be good enough. I'm worried I'll try my hardest to be a good mum and I'll still get it wrong. And I worry for the future, for Theo's future. When he grows up he's bound to find out about his biological father and what happened. What sort of damage will that do to him?"

"Alicia, you've been through some terrible trauma. You'll probably never get over it completely, it will always be a part of who you are. But I know you won't let it define you or your son. No one can change what's happened in the past, but we can play our part in ensuring things like this don't happen in the future."

Alicia wiped her eyes to try and stem the tears but it didn't work. She gave up and just let them fall. "How? There's so much evil in the world, what can you or I really do?"

"We can make a difference. You have to believe that. And you know how? By raising our boys to be kind and considerate, by teaching them to respect women and know what is and isn't ok. Use what's happened to you for good. Raise Theo to be the best person he can be."

Alicia nodded slowly. When Theo was born, the moment the doctor handed him to her, pink and screaming with the effort of emerging into the world, Alicia held him to her chest and vowed silently with all her might that she wouldn't let who his father was or how he was conceived shape his character. Somehow in everything that had happened since, she had forgotten that vow but now it returned to her with a fierceness she didn't think was possible. She looked up at the doctor, a determined look in her eye to see that the same look was reflected back to her.

"You have a son too?" Alicia asked.

Dr Kirkland nodded. "Two actually. Declan and Laurence. They're teenagers now, and this kind of stuff has been on my mind more and more lately. I try to love them, set a good example and make them think about the choices they make. That's all any parent can do."

"It's getting late Pet, are you sure you don't want to stay one more night and set off in the morning?"

Alicia shook her head. "No. Bea has to work tomorrow. And besides, I'm scared that if I don't leave now I'll never leave."

Jackie Munroe pulled her daughter into a tight hug. "That would be fine with me" she said. "It's selfish, I know." She pulled away and took a deep breath to compose herself. "But you'll always be my baby girl, I miss you when you're gone."

Alicia didn't want to cry again. This was a good thing, her leaving. She was going home to where she belonged with the woman she loved and her baby boy. But her mother was there for her unconditionally when she felt she had no one else, and she felt guilty leaving her now. "I won't be gone forever" Alicia said. "I'll be back to visit soon, I promise."

"You better be. And you better bring that grandson of mine with you."

"Of course we will, Mam. I love you."

"I love you too sweetheart. Now go, before I start crying again." Jackie kissed her daughter on the forehead.

Bea lifted Alicia's suitcase into the car and closed the boot. "Goodbye Jackie" she said, hugging Alicia's mum too. It was still a little awkward between them, Bea didn't think it would ever not be, but they had come to an understanding over the years. They both loved Alicia and would do almost anything for her, they had that in common.

"You better look after her" she said, but it wasn't a threat, it was a wish.

Bea smiled. She understood, from one mother to another, how hard it was to be apart from your child. It had only been a few days and Bea already missed Theo like crazy. All she wanted to do what give him a hug. "You know I will."

Jackie pulled away. "I know."

"Are you ready to go?" Alicia asked Bea, checking her handbag one last time to see if she'd left something behind.

Bea grinned. "So ready."

Alicia gave her mum one last kiss on the cheek and opened the passenger side door. It was Alicia's car but Bea had insisted she drive. Alicia had protested but was secretly relieved. Alicia buckled her seatbelt and took a deep breath, watching her mother wave them away from the doorstep of her house. Bea climbed into the driver's seat and adjusted the rear view mirror. Before she turned the key in the ignition she reached across and squeezed Alicia's knee, reassuring her in that one simple gesture that everything would be alright.

As they drove it began to get dark and a light drizzle started to fall. The gentle swish of the windscreen wipers was kind of comforting as they made their way down the quiet residential streets on the outskirts of town. The car was warm and Alicia felt safe from the world outside. But she knew sooner or later she'd have to face it head on.

"What did you want to talk about?" Alicia asked.

Be didn't take her eyes off the road when she replied. "Let's get home first."

"Bea…" For four months Alicia was the one who had been avoiding reality, now Bea was the one being hesitant and she didn't completely understand why.

Bea stole a quick glance across at Alicia. It was only a split second before her eyes were back on the road but in that tiny look Alicia saw the fear in her eyes. She turned in her seat and gazed at Bea's profile. She touched her arm lightly. "Bea, what is it? You can tell me anything."

Bea swallowed. "I was going to tell you I'd been thinking about getting you help. I thought we could have a word with Mrs Beauchamp to see if she could recommend a good councillor for you to talk to."

"But…" Alicia sensed Bea's hesitation and gently encouraged her to share what was on her mind.

"I don't want it to be like last time. I tried to force you into therapy and I pushed you over the edge. That was the beginning of the end before, I can see that now. It was my fault, I pushed too hard."

"No" Alicia said. "It wasn't. But anyway, I'm in a much better place now. I think it sounds like a great plan." Alicia's heart broke whenever she thought about how much pain she had caused Bea in the past. She had promised to get help for Bea just as much as Theo. She couldn't live with herself if she was the cause of any more pain for her. Bea was the kindest, most loyal person Alicia had ever met. She had taken that for granted in the past, but no more. "Pull over" she said, rather abruptly and Bea looked over, confused.

"Pull over here" Alicia said again, calmer this time. Bea turned the steering wheel and came to a stop by the side of the road in front of someone's house. She switched off the engine.

"Alicia, what's wrong."

Alicia unclipped her seatbelt, leaned over and took Bea's face in her hands. She kissed her without warning and in the dim glow of the street light Alicia could see Bea's surprise. "I want us to make a promise to each other. Right here, right now. No looking back." It was spontaneous, but Alicia knew in an instant what she needed to be able to move on with her life. "I'll talk about my past with a councillor, I promise, but with each other, let's not look back. No more blaming ourselves, no more wondering what we could have done to prevent all the crap that happened. Let's only look forward and concentrate on being better. Better partners to each other and better mothers to Theo. Okay?"

Bea hear Alicia's words, said with utter conviction and she was overwhelmed. This was the strongest sign yet that Alicia really wanted to fix things and be a family. Bea cried, but they were tears of happiness. "I love you so much" she said in reply. This time she was the one to lean in for a kiss. "Yes."