7
Clarence J. Fork... An Old Man Interferes... Questions Arise At the Ruins of Conflict
Lt. Surge was a lonely thirty-seven-year-old man whose absent father had called him "Scout" and "Big Guy" and whose absent mother had been physically present but hopelessly addicted to Paralyz Heal throughout his entire adolescence. He was not a real lieutenant and had never served in any military in any capacity. His name was also not Surge. Lt. Surge's birth certificate listed his true legal name as Clarence J. Fork. The middle initial did not actually stand for anything.
Clarence J. Fork had an enormous square jaw and rippling musculature that covered his bones and organs like a coat of overlapping armor plates. His eyes were extremely small and set far apart. The way he preferred to wear his hair could best be described as "the starfish look." Clarence did not have any friends except for his Raichu, to whom he had never revealed his true identity. And now that Clarence J. Fork had finally gone crazy, that true identity had ceased to exist. In his damaged mind he was only Lt. Surge—a powerful Kantonian gym leader who had fought in an imaginary war between electric Pokémon and water Pokémon and who received government disability payments because of his speech impediment. That last part was actually true, although the payments now confused him because the checks came addressed to someone named Clarence J. Fork.
Lt. Surge planted his naked buns in the seat of his chosen golf cart and had Raichu start its engine with a Thundershock. He backed up in starts and stops, unfamiliar with the cart's manual transmission. Once he had it in drive, he raced along the sidewalk at speeds approaching twelve miles per hour. His tremendous physical bulk caused the cart to lift precariously up onto two wheels each time he turned, and because he was crazy, he only turned in gigantic dangerous swerves that made it look like he was being chased by someone.
In fact, he was being chased: by Mina.
As Lt. Surge rattled down the sidewalk, Mina came in for a landing on Charizard. "There!" she cried, pointing at the swerving cart. Charizard slid to a stop on the hotel's front lawn, drawing a long black scorched path behind him. Mina gave Charizard a friendly pat on the neck and then climbed down, tore off her helmet, and got into another of the hotel's golf carts. The chase was on.
Lt. Surge was at first quite dismayed to realize that he had a pursuer. He did not want Mina to look upon his naked body because Mina was very pretty and he was just an ugly buffoon. He was thankful that he had remembered to put on a sock, because that meant Mina wouldn't be able to see that foot. But she would be able to see the rest of him if she caught up.
"Fastuh, Raichu!" he bellowed, slamming his palm down on the cart's miniature steering wheel. Raichu screamed and channeled another blast of electricity into the motor. The cart lunged forward. Terrified Akalan pedestrians leapt out of the way. An old man who had also gone crazy because of Tapu Lele's capture pushed his walker out into the road where it would be run over by Surge's golf cart. The cart hit the walker, mangled it, dragged it for a few feet, and then trapped it around one of the back tires in a clinging metal cage that made right turns extremely difficult to manage. Surge was now doomed to a leftward course that would take him into downtown Heahea.
"Raichu!" he bellowed. "Find somethin' ta throw!"
Raichu discovered the box of nine-volts hidden in the cart's travel compartment and brought it up to the passenger seat. "Ex-uh-lent!" Lt. Surge cried. He took a fistful of batteries and threw them over his shoulder at Mina. She ducked as the batteries banged against her cart's dashboard.
"Stop!" she ordered Lt. Surge. Surge looked back at her, saw that she was gaining on him, and turned left down a side street. Mina, also racing along at twelve miles per hour, followed.
Another person who was having a terrible day was Youngster Joey's Rattata, the new guardian deity of Melemele Island. Rattata had been woefully underprepared for the transition to deity status. He had no plan to combat the purple tornados, which were still ripping along the coastlines and destroying everything in their paths, and he was similarly unsure what to do about the Nihilego infestation that had recently sprung up. Tapu Koko had been a natural check on the Nihilego population, and without him around to kill each and every one as they emerged from the Ultra Wormhole, the Nihilegos were having the times of their lives flying all over the place and doing all the moves they wanted.
"Rattata!" Rattata shrieked, dodging an Acid Spray that a Nihilego had just rained down upon the altar at the Ruins of Conflict.
"What about my crops?" cried an indignant Melemelean farmer whose crops had just been swept up in a purple tornado. "Lord Rattata, you have to do something! Our livelihood depends on it!"
"He's right, Rattata," Professor Kukui added. Kukui was standing at the head of a crowd of Rattata's worshippers who had come to the ruins to see how the new deity was going to fix everything. "You the guardian deity now, and that means you gotta step it up! Chop chop, cousin! Let's get a move on! All these Ultra Beasts and natural disasters ain't just gonna take care of themselves, you know?"
"Rattata," Rattata said uncertainly as he backed himself into the corner and bared his teeth.
"What you gonna do about the weather, huh?" Kukui continued. "Tapu Koko always knew what to do. What the hell kinda guardian deity are you, anyway?"
"Rattata."
"Where's the little jokester who gave us this Rattata?" Kukui now wanted to know, turning back to the crowd. "Where'd Youngster Joey go?"
"I saw him on the beach about an hour ago," said a lady somewhere in the middle of the crowd. "He was gnawing on a handful of spindly brown mushrooms and yelling, 'This! Oh yes! Absolutely! These new colors are perfect, and they're for all of us!' And he was laughing and kicking his legs in the sand and then he vomited."
Professor Kukui's nipples stiffened as the suspicion that they were all in very deep shit began to descend upon him.