Part I
Chapter 9
…
I always want to be nice to everyone.
That's the only way I know how to be.
I want to be happy, always be happy, so that I can help others feel the same as well, because I love them.
…
What? I don't understand. If they hurt me?
I don't…I don't know…
No, I wouldn't do that…
I never would. That's just not me.
…
That's just not me at all…
"I'm sorry to hear that, Kurosawa-sensei. I hope you'll feel better tomorrow."
"Thank you…yes, I should be ok then. I just need some rest today."
"That's fine. In any case, I'll find someone for your classes, so don't worry."
"Thanks…"
"You're welcome. Well, get some rest then, alright?"
"Sure. I'll talk to you later, then."
"Of course. Goodbye!"
"Bye-bye."
Minamo set the phone back on the receiver, taking a gaze out of her balcony window as the morning sun began to pour light into her apartment.
What am I doing…?
With a groan she wobbled over to her couch, her body moving sluggishly like a wounded animal, and then collapsed upon it.
On any other given day at this hour, Minamo would have been full of vitality, normally getting primed and ready for another day of work. This morning, however, none of that usual energy was found within her. The daily routine that she was so used to had been left completely untouched, Minamo still wearing her night wear as she tossed around restlessly on the couch, trying to find a comfortable position to relax her fatigued body with. Sleep had abandoned her for the most part since yesterday, Minamo at best being able to get in a few winks here and there, and she was now feeling the effects of its absence. Her eyes were so heavy now, her mind slow and unwieldy, and she knew that she was in no shape to deal with both her students and peers in her present condition, to allow them to witness her in such a haphazard state.
Her decision to avoid all of that, then, was to simply take the entire day off. She had just finished calling the school office to let them know that she would be out, and while there was no issue with that specifically, Minamo rarely ever using her break days, she still felt as if she were doing something that was somehow wrong.
Look at me, skipping work because of a stupid conversation. How pathetic am I?
She turned onto her stomach with great effort, placing her face straight down into one of the couch pillows as the words of her mother continued to scratch against the grain of her consciousness.
'…you're still just a child…'
A despaired grunt went muffled against the pillow's cloth, barely audible amid the silence of her apartment.
Ever since it had taken place yesterday night, Minamo had tried so hard to forget about the phone call that she had engaged in with her mother, the anger that she had experienced afterward denying her the peace that she required in order to sleep well. It had proven an impossible task to just let it all go however, the words that the woman had spoken to her still ringing loudly in her ears even after all these hours, the pain that they had inflicted still stinging freshly. The late night run that she had taken to try and relax herself with hadn't helped at all, and so Minamo had spent the entire night laying awake in bed, unable to stop the blood that had oozed through the gashes in her pride.
What her mother had done to her, in just the span of a few minutes, was a complete and thorough castigation of her adulthood, the woman patronizing both her maturity and romantic life by informing her of all the faults that she saw in them. In Ms. Kurosawa's eyes, her daughter was just some sort of hapless child that still required her mother's hand to hold on to through life, even for such personal matters as finding a husband, and had eventually closed the conversation with the announcement of how she herself would address Minamo's lack of one. It had all essentially been a blatant attack on her daughter's abilities to manage for herself, and the entire ordeal had left Minamo in a state of turbulence after the call had ended.
Why do you always do this to me? Why do you always act like I'm not an adult...?
Her character had been violated, the image of the mature individual that she believed herself to be gutted by her own parent, and it was all simply infuriating. For someone of Minamo's make, her reputation for being known as a person that was refined and in-control of her life was her most prized possession. She had always gone to great lengths in order to cultivate that respectability for herself, to acquire that admiration from others, and so to still be treated like a juvenile by her own mother was incredibly irritating. Ms. Kurosawa had always been the one person in her life who had never seen her the way that everyone else did, her relationship with her daughter always stained by some amount of condescension towards her.
Minamo turned on the couch again, setting her stare up towards the ceiling, looking blankly at it as she continued to ruminate over all that had happened. That callous treatment from her mother was something that she had put up with for a good portion of her life, Ms. Kurosawa always finding some crack in her being to expose. It just seemed that no matter whatever Minamo had accomplished in her life, whatever she had gained, none of it had ever seemed to meet the woman's lofty expectations for her. There was always this sense of dissatisfaction that she felt emanating from her, and the biggest cause for that over the last few years had been her inability to get married.
'... it's getting embarrassing for our family now ...'
She grimaced, her rage igniting itself again in protest to those words that had suddenly popped into her head, but it didn't have quite the same potency that it had possessed during the night. It was this hollow sort of resentment now, an empty feeling that was more bark than bite.
How can you tell me things like that? Don't you ever know…
She sighed, dejection lacing her breath as the indignation that she had held against her mother finally began to fade away.
...how hard I try, that I really try, for you?
The fire that was her anger had dwindled out now, the bitterness that she had experienced all night suddenly vanishing into the air, and all that was left behind in its wake was a despondent set of ashes.
'...embarrassing...'
Minamo gritted her teeth, a sadness enveloping her now, and it was a feeling that was as familiar to her as the frustration she felt whenever she dealt with her mother.
For as hard as Ms. Kurosawa could be on her, Minamo had never been able to hold a grudge against the woman for any real length of time. What always happened after her initial bout of anger was the experience that she was now going through, a sensation of guilt that was slowly beginning to drown her, flooding her heart with its waves.
And it was, at the end of everything that she had felt, the real reason as to why she was always so hesitant about contacting her mother, of why she had given into her scathing accusations so meekly without any real defense.
Who am I kidding? You're always right. You're always right, about everything...because you're...you're...so...
As she continued to lay about on her couch, the weight of her troubles seemingly pinning her down to it, Minamo began to wonder about who she had actually been upset with the entire night.
...
What happened?
...
Why do I look so sad?
I'm never…I'm never sad…
...
No, that's impossible.
That could never happen. What a stupid thought.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
...
I'm a stupid girl, to think that. Even after all she's done for me, I still go and think that...
Her eyes opened.
Minamo looked up, quickly orienting herself as she recognized the same old white ceiling of her apartment. She had dozed off upon her couch, just now waking up with a lengthy yawn.
What time is it...?
She sat up slowly, taking a glance at her table clock and realizing that she had only been sleeping for about half an hour.
I think that's the most shuteye I've gotten since yesterday...ugh, I don't think I can do this.
Her hands pushed her off the couch, Minamo getting up and heading into her kitchen in order to make some coffee. Her body clock wasn't very used to sleeping in the day, despite how tired she was, and she knew that trying to get any more rest would probably be a futile endeavor. In the long run, she figured, it was probably a poor idea to do so anyways, since it would more than likely throw off her entire sleeping pattern for the next few days while still leaving her in the tired condition that she was presently in.
After a handful of minutes she came back into her living room, blowing away heat from the mug she held, and then sat down on the carpet in front of her couch as she began to ponder as to what she could do with her day, instead of just sleeping it away. Minamo didn't want to let all of this free time go to waste, so making some productive use of it seemed like the most sensible thing to do.
Her first idea was to just go about getting some errands done, but since most of them required her to venture out to the town, she quickly scratched them off her list of possibilities. She didn't really feel like going into any public places while feeling so lethargic and weary, and so continued to think of what else she could get done instead.
Well, I did bring some stuff home with me...
She glanced over towards the other side of the room, looking at the corner in which she had placed her school belongings at. Her bags contained some work that she hadn't been able to finish while on campus, stacks of papers to grade, club plans to finish, and so she figured that she could at least utilize her time by completing all of it. None of that was ever a chore for her to do so in any case, Minamo always genuinely enjoying the feeling of accomplishing things well ahead of schedule, to have the logistics of her classes and job flow smoothly along.
Yeah, I guess I'll do that. If I keep myself busy, anyways, then I suppose I won't feel too bad for ditching work...
She was satisfied with that plan, her mood now picking up just a bit as she began to take a few sips from her coffee, its hot, smoky taste refreshing her spirits. It was a relatively recent trend of hers to indulge in the drink more often, never having done so to any significant degree before, and it had now become a welcome staple in her life. Somehow, it just made her feel a bit more sophisticated about herself, as if she were joining in some cultured activity that the rest of the world regularly partook in.
I think I've got my mix down for this now. It's almost as good as m-
Minamo sighed, catching herself from becoming obsessed with those thoughts once more. "Stop it, stop it..."
She took a minute to gather herself, calming her mind, and then continued to drink from her mug. I've got to stop doing that. I've got to stop comparing myself to h-
'...my own daughter...'
That pang of guilt suddenly went through her again, the thoughts that she had been trying to subdue getting free quite easily. She leaned back against the bottom of her couch, staring at the sunny world outside her balcony window.
Is the whole day going to be like this?
While Minamo usually enjoyed the tranquility of her apartment, the silence of it was all working against her at the moment. The stirrings of her mind echoed so loudly throughout it, and she was beginning to wonder if she'd be able to hold her focus at all as the hours went by, if she could even finish the slightest bit of work without obsessing over what had happened to her.
What she needed was some way to retain her concentration, some sort of anchor in which she could attach herself to so that her worries wouldn't wash her away, that would allow her to get her work done.
I just need a distraction, just something to-
A thin smile broke out on her face, Minamo quickly realizing what she required in order to salvage her temperament.
I can't tell if it hurts or not.
It's such a weird feeling.
...
I wonder if my friends know how this feels.
I wish I could talk to them.
...
What do you mean? Of course I have friends.
I'm their friend, so why wouldn't they be mine?
They've always been my friends...and they always will be.
...
You agree with me, don't you...?
The ringing on the other end of the line continued to sound off, Minamo becoming a bit anxious as to how much longer that it could go on.
I guess...I guess I can leave her a message. She'll get up event-
"What?"
Relief took her. "Y-Yukari? Hey, it's me."
"What is it?"
She laughed lightly. I don't think I can ever remember you being up this early. "Oh, um, well, I was just seeing what you were up to."
"I'm kind of busy. I'm on a mission."
"...err, what?"
"From the gods."
"...umm, yeah, I'm not sure what you're talking about."
"I'm on a quest dammit'. I've got to-...I will set your face on fire, shithead!"
Minamo almost dropped her phone in surprise, the sudden bout of yelling from her friend screaming loudly through it. "E-excuse me...?"
Yukari continued on, engaging in some vehement tirade that puzzled Minamo as to what exactly was going on at her friend's house. Things were soon made clear, however, when she began to hear some other sounds come through the line, faint explosions that were coupled with bits of music here and there.
Ah...that's why you're up already. "So...how's the game going?"
Her friend spouted out a few more obscenities, aimed at whoever, or whatever, she was playing against on her new console, before returning her attention to her phone. "Uh...yeah, it's going great! I'm pretty far in it, now. I love the battle system, and..."
Minamo listened to her for a few minutes as her friend went into the details of what she was playing, the same details that she had already heard from her yesterday when she had paid her a visit after work. She had spent that entire evening with her, greatly enjoying how happy Yukari was as she watched her go all out with her games, laughing with her as they went through their usual conversations together. It had been a wonderful few hours that had allowed Minamo to temporarily forget about her mother's text message and all the heavy emotions that had come with it, her friend's zany personality just somehow always having the ability to push all of her tribulations away.
That experience with the woman, then, had influenced her new plan for the day. Instead of spending it alone in her apartment, she would go over to her friend's house and get her work done there. It would undoubtedly be a much more noisier environment when compared to her own home, but Minamo was quite used to operating in those sorts of conditions. She needed that commotion at the moment anyways, to just have Yukari around her, as the sheer magnitude of her friend's personality carried with it the potential to drown out all the negative thoughts that had been going around in her head.
Minamo raised her voice a bit as she spoke again, interrupting Yukari as politely as she could. "...hey, Yukari. So...I took off for today, because I wasn't feeling too well."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah...and, well, I was wondering if I could come over for the day? Since we're both off and all."
"I don't want your disease."
"I'm not sick...just tired. I just needed a break for today."
"Yeah, fine, come on over."
Her eyes widened with some astonishment, Yukari not giving her any lip at all about what she wanted to do. Minamo had been expecting the woman to poke some fun at her, since she was essentially going to engage in what she had lectured Yukari to not do in the first place, to abandon her classes so that she could just goof off at home.
She must be focusing on that game too much to really notice things. Oh well. I mean, I'm going to be getting work done anyways, not just play around...
"Thanks, Yukari. I'll be there within an hour. I'll bring you something to eat too, ok?"
Her friend didn't seem to hear her, Yukari now spouting off about some other injustice that had occurred in her game, so Minamo simply said a few more parting words before hanging up.
She stretched her arms out as she got off the couch, taking a little walk around her living room to do the same for her legs as well. Although her mood was turning for the better now, the idea of being in the company of her best friend filling her with some new life, that guilty feeling that had haunted her all morning still continued to tug away at her, it's pull becoming just a bit stronger due to the decision that she had just made.
Why is it so wrong? I never do anything like this. Is it a big deal if I'm going there during work? Because I just want to be with my friend right now? So what if she's not your favorite person, that you don't want me to hang around with...?
Minamo shook her head, trying to once again reclaim ownership of her thoughts, and then made her way to her bathroom in order to take a hot shower before going out to spend the rest of the day with Yukari.
Ah...it's warm.
I never knew it was so warm. Not like this.
...
I hate it.
It's disgusting.
...
Disgustingly warm.
Disgusting, just like you.