Trigger Warning: This chapter contains the very hard topic of Infant Loss. Please see A/N at the end for additional comments on this chapter.

Chapter Sixteen

ROSE

I wandered the halls with no direction, taking in every last bit of this place that I could. The groove of the stone walls, the scent of sweat and leather from the gym, even the lockers that we never opened. From the Elementary campus where I first met Lissa. To the Middle school dorms where Mason and I spent summers playing pool in the rec room. Ending at the Senior Novice dorms, where I spent many nights dreaming of a life I didn't believe possible.

Memories.

Memories are carved into every building, rooted deep in the cobblestone walkways. On the turf of the running track, the foam of the sparring mats, and each rip in the punching bags.

This is my home. The only home I have ever known. And tomorrow, I would leave it all behind to begin the rest of my life.

It's a surreal feeling. Growing up, taking on the world by storm. We are no longer kids. No more detention for breaking the rules. No second chances when we mess up during training. There would be no one around to hold our hands and tell us everything is going to be okay. Now, we are on our own. And if I am being honest with myself, I am terrified.

Not that I would ever admit that to anyone, but to in my mind, there was no denying it. I feared not being good enough to protect Adrian. Or Lissa. Or Munchkin. In the back of my mind is this itty bitty, teeny tiny, seed of doubt, and it's growing more and more every day. I have trained my whole life for this, but is it enough? We are all capable of falling- example, Dimitri in the caves- do I have what it takes to go the distance? Will I be able to keep my charge, my family safe?

A cool breeze wrapped around me, halting the railway of thoughts. Taking in my surroundings, I had made it all the way around campus, to the graveyard. Drawing in a deep breath, I counted the rows.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Then the plots.

One.

Two.

Three.

Hey, Mase. I whispered to him.

Folding my legs under me, I sat down at the foot of his resting place, cautious not to step or touch on the others around him. Mason used to be the last one in line, but after the attack, several others joined him here. It felt disrespectful to cross over someone else grave, especially, one of a person you didn't know.

I miss you, Mason. I wish you were still here. It's not the same without you.

The early morning sun was starting to show its colors, painting a beautiful picture off to the east. Resting my hands in my lap, I leaned my head back drawing in the breathtaking sight. I wonder if he is looking down on me right now. If, where ever he is, he is able to see me. If only I could talk to him. Just one more time. Just for one minute. But then I would have to say goodbye all over again, and I don't know if I could do it a second time.

My vision grew blurry, I quickly blinked back the tears. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. I repeated the process a dozen times, bringing myself back up from the whole I crawled into. Standing up, I dusted off my dress. It is getting late, and we have an early flight to Court in the morning, I needed to get some sleep. Plus, if I sat out here any longer there would be no stopping the floodgates from opening.

I love you, Mase. Keep an eye on us, and know that we will never forget you. I blew him a kiss and headed back toward the dorms, taking the scenic route. There was one more place I wanted to visit before turning in for the night. Even if I couldn't go inside, since Tasha is still here, I could at least see it.

Thinking of Tasha, I hadn't seen her at graduation. Odd. She has always been so involved with Christian, yet, she didn't show up to watch him walk. Did she know about Dimitri being assigned to him? Was she upset about it? Or did something else happen?

She may not be my favorite person in the whole world, but I had to wonder if she was okay. It isn't like her to miss out on the biggest day so far in her Nephews life.

Weaving through the trees, the cabin came into view. A soft light shone through the window, the thin curtains were drawn close. Approaching as quietly as possible, I peaked in the short window on the left side. I could only see a small table from here, but it didn't appear that anyone was moving around inside. Stepping back to continue around the side, I heard a soft whimper.

Tasha sat on the front porch steps, her back resting against the railing, hands running softly over her stomach. In the gentle morning light, I could tell her skin was paler than normal. Her eyes held heavy bags under them, deep dark circles showing her exhaustion. Her hair was twisted into a high messy bun, and if I had to guess she hasn't washed it recently.

"Tasha?" I called out softly, not wanting to startle her.

Her head shot up, eyes locking onto mine. "Rose, what are you doing out here?" she tried to smile, but her lip barely twitched before falling again.

"Just wanted to get one last lap in before bed," I chuckled, "Are you okay? I didn't see you at Graduation."

"Yeah," a forced laugh pushed past her lips, "Just haven't been feeling well."

I can tell. She looked worse than I did when Dimitri first started training me. A cross between being hit by a Mac truck going eighty, and that chick from the exorcist. Not a pretty sight. At all.

"Maybe you should go see Dr. O before we leave, make sure there isn't anything seriously wrong before our flight."

I had talked to Dr. Olendzki five times in the last two weeks about Munchkin. I needed to make sure he was doing well and that I could fly to Court without issue. Tasha was twice as far along as me, but not yet at the point where flying would be an issue. Though I still think she should go and make sure. Just in case.

Tasha choked on a sob, a single tear free falling down her cheek. And with that one loose, the rest followed like a storm. One hand remained clutched to her stomach, the other covering her mouth desperately trying to cover her wails.

Okay, something is seriously wrong. I may not like her, but I couldn't help but kneel down and pull her to my chest. Wrapping one arm behind her shoulders, I rubbed her upper arm. My other hand smoothing back the fallen strands of hair. And I let her cry.

Without knowing what is wrong, I didn't want to say anything to drive her further into despair, so I simply hummed. The lyrics to an Imagine Dragons song playing through my head. Probably not the most appropriate song for the moment, but it's what came to mind first.

Halfway through the chorus, Tasha began to settle. Her breaths came in deeper, her shoulders relaxing slightly. Tears were still flowing steadily, I wiped them away as quickly as I could.

"Why…. me?" she hiccuped.

"What do you mean?" I kept my tone soft, loving even.

"Why did…." she hiccuped again, pausing a moment to catch her breath a bit more, "Why did it have to happen to me?"

"I don't understand, Tasha, what happened?"

"My baby…it's…I…" she struggled to find the words, "There's no heartbeat."

I have read a little, thanks to Adrian, about miscarriages and stillbirths, neither is something I want to think about. I can't even begin to imagine the pain she is feeling right now. If it was me….I don't know how I would react to that news.

My mouth mimicked a fish out of water, opening, and closing without a word making it out. What could I say? Asking how was out of the question. And saying I'm sorry sounded like a funeral line. What could I possibly tell her that would make this any better?

Nothing.

When I first found out, I was scared. Beyond terrified at the thought of another life growing inside of me. One day relying on me for everything. Now that I am out of my first trimester, I am getting excited. Don't get me wrong, I still worry I will mess up in far more ways than one when it comes to raising this child, but I am looking forward to the journey.

But Tasha. She was radiant when she told me. Even if I am still convinced her smile was fake as fuck, Adrian attested otherwise. I know from when she was attempting to get Dimitri to be her Guardian, she really wanted to have children of her own. She didn't care if it was Moroi or Dhampir, she just wanted a little one to love.

"Is there anything I can do? Someone I can call for you?"

"I tried calling Christian, and Dimka, neither answered," she wiped at her eyes, drawing in another deep breath, while I stiffened slightly at Dimitri's name. Feeling my posture change, her blue eyes met mine. "I know how you feel about me, Rose," she laughed lightly, "Honestly, I can't believe you are still sitting here. I know I haven't been the nicest of people to you either," she paused, letting out a long sigh, "But you have to understand, Christian is my only family, and Dimka my only real friend. I don't have anyone left after…."

"You don't have to explain it to me," I cut her off, "I get it."

And I did. I still wouldn't leave her alone in a room with him overnight or anything but in light of recent events….I guess I can loosen up a bit. She will need support, and Christian and Dimitri are the ones who will give it to her. Along with Lissa and I, she will get through this. It won't be easy, and she will carry the memory forever, but we will help her move on.

"Come on, let's get you inside. Take a hot shower and try to get some sleep. I'll have Dimitri come and get you in the morning for the flight."

Helping her stand, I guided her back into the cabin. Once she showered and changed, I laid the quilt over her, tucking her in and turning out the lights.

"I'm sorry, Tasha," I whispered. I just couldn't help but say it in the end.

"Thank you, Rose, for everything tonight."

Author's Note:

For anyone that has personally dealt with Infant Loss, please know I do not intend to offend anyone. This topic is very close to my heart, and with October being the month of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, It was almost perfect timing in the story. I intended for this to happen since the beginning, and I knew it would be a hard topic to touch on. So please know, anyone who has dealt with this, my heart goes out to you. It is not easy, and you carry those scars and reminders daily, God Bless you.

All my love,

Dream