15

Strange Landmarks in the Desert... Lillie and Mina on the Fate of Alola... A Torrent of Vomit

The ruined shapes of Youngster Joey and Officer Jenny emerged from the horizon through veils of whipping sand like frayed and ancient ghosts yawning themselves up from the pits of hell. Moon Child watched their approach from atop her mount's mighty shoulders with a frown on her face. Joey and Jenny had only been wandering the wastes for about twenty minutes since having gotten kicked off the bus, but they both already looked like fugitives from some Martian gulag. Sand and clay caked their faces and hung in tangled clumps from their hair. Their movement was ghoulish. Jenny had her police revolver drawn and was aiming it down between her feet, prepared for any challenger.

"She can shoot the arms off a cactus a mile out," Youngster Joey warned.

Moon Child looked at him. She spat sidelong into the dust. "I know it," she said.

They rode triple aback Tauros heading in the direction of the loud hiker, and after a while Youngster Joey managed to convince Moon Child that spirit guides are no good unless the guides are on the same wavelength as the guided. In other words, she was going to have to chow down on some mescaline before they could get moving.

"It looks like a butt," Moon Child said of the picture of a peyote cactus button Youngster Joey googled up in Rotom's browser app. "It looks like somebody's green butt. What does it feel like? I'm not too sure about this."

"Woo!" Officer Jenny cried from the back of the line, squeezing Youngster Joey more closely to herself. "It feels," she said with authoritative grandeur, "like there's a bird inside your head."

"Is that a good thing?"

"Wonderful!" Jenny cried.

"Well," Moon Child said thoughtfully… and then shook her head. "Listen, I smoked weed a few times with the Super Nerds at recess back in Kanto, and even that was a little too nutzo for me. You guys can eat my share. I'll just chill while you navigate the spirit realm."

Youngster Joey found this development disappointing but not unexpected. Not every trainer had a head for mescaline.

"Leyline," Officer Jenny pointed out. Tauros swerved to remain on the path of power.

"Ghost," Youngster Joey said, pointing off to the side.

"Ferris wheel," Officer Jenny said.

"There's a naked guy. Christ, he's naked!" Joey shouted. Moon Child couldn't see any of the landmarks they were navigating from, but she guessed that was all right.

"Sand," Jenny announced.

"Desert oasis," Joey replied. "But that one's not even from the drugs. It's just a mirage."

"Glass cathedral full of elves."

"Kentucky Fried Chicken."

"Giant floating Nintendo 64 logo. Ooo, that's a good one! That one's definitely good luck!"

"Leyline there," Youngster Joey informed Tauros.

"Clown with fangs."

"Alien spacecraft. Or possibly a weather balloon."

"There's a stop sign that says COOL instead of STOP on it."

"Are we there yet?"

"Yes," Youngster Joey screamed, pointing dead ahead into the yawning maw of what did indeed appear to be Tapu Bulu's cave.

"Dang," Moon Child said, hopping down off Tauros and clutching a Poké Ball in each hand. "I can't believe that worked."

Youngster Joey looked into Officer Jenny's dilated pupils. "We're good," he whispered.

Officer Jenny's eyeballs spun in her head like drill bits, or appeared to. "No, Darling," she told Youngster Joey, and caressed the line of his jaw. "We're bad."

Meanwhile, Lillie had found Mina in a stoned state almost as severe as that of Joey and Jenny. Lillie and Hau had parted ways for the afternoon and Lillie had flown to Ula'ula where she discovered Mina moping about and shooting baskets while sipping from a thermos of what seemed, at first glance, to be tea.

"Stand back," Mina cautioned as Lillie drew near in her sleek black R.A.T.T.A.T.A. combat uniform. Mina, at the free throw line, tossed the ball into the air and completely over the backboard. She sipped more tea.

"What are you doing?"

"I gave up on stopping Moon Child from ruining the earth," Mina admitted. "Now I'm getting all ripped up on mushrooms. You want a drink?" She offered Lillie the thermos of foul-looking liquid.

"No, thanks."

"Did you give up too?"

Lillie bristled. "I'll never do that."

"Why not?"

The red ball of the sun cast the sky in a thousand tropical colors and drew the two girls' shadows long and dark on the ground behind them. It seemed to Lillie that she was coming to the very end of something.

"I didn't unlock my Z-Powered form… and set Nebby free… only to give up. I didn't come this far just to watch Moon Child destroy the Alolan Islands with her carelessness."

Mina shrugged. "Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. The destruction of Alola. I watched a crazy man drive a golf cart into a volcano today." She took a long sip. "That shit messes with your head."

"My mother hated me and tried to kill me, and my brother too," Lillie shot back. "And I'm still fighting."

Mina looked at the glowering sun and blood streak clouds floating low over the western ocean. "How can we stop her?" she asked finally. "She's too powerful now."

"She's just a girl!" Lillie cried. "Do you know how she got her power? Fighting in the grass! Just doing Flamethrowers over and over again on wild Pokémon! And looking up the best held items on the internet! Mina, we can stop her. Somehow we can save Alola."

Mina turned and shot a free throw. This time she sunk a perfect swish. She caught the ball when it bounced back to her and looked sadly at it in her slender hands. "Alola," she said, "is damned." Then she turned and splattered the court with vomit.

Lillie shook her head and began walking away. She was plagued with unhelpful psychedelic drug abusers. She wondered briefly how Lord Rattata was doing with the purple tornados before remembering that Melemele had been double-destroyed a few days after Tapu Koko's capture by the Air Force and its mystifying bomb raid. What could drive man and beast to such terrible deeds as were now afoot?