Part I
Chapter 23
"So when we headin' back?"
Minamo thought to herself for a moment. "Maybe a little before evening. I don't think traffic will be bad, since most people right now are coming to the beach, not the other way around."
Yukari stretched herself upon the sand, yawning as she crossed a leg over the other, a denim skirt wrapped around them. "Why don't they just move the school out here? I mean, think about it. It's the damn beach! Hell, even I'd like comin' to work if it was out here."
She chuckled. "You know...I'm not going to disagree with you on that one..." She leaned forward, watching the waves as they stopped just a few feet short of where she sat. "But where would we go for vacation, then? We'd be out here already..."
"Every day would be a vacation, then. Duh."
That statement got a laugh out of Minamo, the talk of their work place causing her to take a quick glance behind as she became reminded of something.
Wonder how they're doing in there...
She stared off into the distance, towards the summer house that she and Yukari had been staying at the last few days, the rest of the party that they had come along with, their young students, presently toiling away inside of it, the lot of them frantically trying to cram in some last minute studying. While both of the teachers had mostly been enjoying the more pleasant aspects of the coastal excursion, the rest of their crew had been using the free time by catching up on some unfinished homework, their chance to do so now quickly coming to an end as Minamo waited to drive them all back home today in the rented van that had brought them all out here.
Until that moment arrived though, she and Yukari had been more than happy to spend the remainder of the time by loitering on the beach, soaking in some last bits of sun while they still had the opportunity to do so. No real swim wear was needed for it, Minamo herself just sporting some capri pants and simple top, both women figuring that they should be prepared to leave the area whenever the other girls were ready to depart. So, instead of taking any final dips in the water, the pair had just been chatting it up for most of the day, watching the other visitors of the beach go about their own fun, Yukari regularly pointing out who she felt were the ugliest ones, which individuals probably couldn't out-swim any ocean predators, and so forth.
And while her friend's enlightening remarks were beginning to make Minamo feel a little ill, it was still quite enjoyable for her to take in the woman's unique sense of humor, just as she always did. The sounds of the white foam, the chatter from others who occasionally passed them by, all of it provided the perfect backdrop for her to listen to her fellow teacher go on and on as to whatever was on her mind, Yukari appearing to be well at ease in such a relaxing environment.
The delightful banter went on, an hour passing away into the next, until a period of silence came between them, both women now just simply taking in the beautiful ocean scenery at their own luxuries.
...is it selfish of me to hope that Chiyo takes us out here again next year too? I have to be honest...I'm going to miss coming out here if n-
"Kurosawa."
Minamo quickly looked over to her companion, Yukari's utterance having come out with a seriousness that was foreign to her. "Y-yeah?"
"Do ya' think I'm an easy person ta' lie to?"
She stared at her awkwardly. "...sorry, what?"
Yukari didn't bother to explain her words, the woman just staring quietly at the sky above as she lay.
Ok, that was weird...
Slowly, her gaze returned back to the ocean, Minamo now a bit perturbed by the question that had been asked of her.
"I think I am. People don't mind lyin' to me."
Yukari's voice had come out of the blue once more, Minamo turning back to her with a concerned expression. "...Yukari, what on earth are yo-" She paused, her mind now formulating a guess as to what her friend was talking about. "Ah...Yukari...do you mean...from the other day..."
"If you wanna' listen to me vent for a few, yer' welcome to." She shrugged, her shoulders pushing through the sand. "Figure I should get this all off my chest now. Kinda' easy to do it out here."
Minamo took her time in responding, her thoughts giving a quick nod to her student's advice from the other day. She had anxiously been awaiting another crack at this conversation, to dissect the fury that her old friend had experienced just about a week ago, when the topic of a reunion with some old school mates had been brought up. It was just that burning desire of Minamo, to always show compassion to her closest friend, that had been gnawing away at her the last few days, wanting to make sure that everything was alright with Yukari emotionally. But, thanks to her pupil's words, she had realized that pushing the issue would probably not be in anyone's best interests, the woman probably needing time to just let some things digest properly before she was able to talk about them again.
Just let her set the pace...don't push her on anything. Just take it easy. "Of course I'll listen to you...tell me whatever you want, Yukari."
A minute passed. "So...I guess I kinda' over did it last time. I barely even remember us goin' out the other day."
Minamo gave her a kind smile. "You did drink a lot..."
"Sorry."
"...don't worry about it. But...yeah...whatever you want to talk about...just go for it."
Her friend hesitated again, almost as if she were planning out everything that she was saying now. "I think I'm a sucker."
"...ok...?"
"I mean...I don't think people care...if they lie to me or not. I just always get that feelin', Minamo. I'm pretty sure it's true. People always think I'm just some stupid dipshit. And then I end up buyin' whatever they say, 'cause I'm pretty damn pathetic."
"...is this something that you've been thinking over lately? Does this have something to do with...what happened?"
"I just never talked to you 'bout this before. 'cause I didn't wanna'."
"...ok, but, I don't understand what you're really telling me, though. I remember last time...you said you felt robbed about something. What's this have to do with any of that?"
"It's...those fuc-..." Yukari took a deep breath, and then called off the names that had ignited her rage a week ago. "I guess I should explain this from the beginnin'. Last year of high school...I tried to join the writin' club. I thought I'd get some feedback on doin' the author thing."
"You tried to join a club? You...never told me about that. I thought you hated clubs."
"Yeah, I did. But...our school had a pretty well known one, remember? Figured it'd be a good idea to get some real critiques on my stuff, and those guys were all in it already. Was our last year so figured it'd be tough to get in, but since I knew 'em I thought they'd put in a good word for me. Anyways, I showed them some stuff, and they said they'd ask the head girls if they could get me in. But they said they didn't like it, so I didn't, 'cause they were all picky about who they let in or somethin', 'cause lots of people wanted in."
"...those guys said 'no'? Or the club leaders?"
"They said the leaders didn't like what I wrote. But those other guys were still nice to me though. They kept sayin' they would look at my stuff for me and help me out anyways. Like they were actually my friends." She began to laugh sarcastically. "You don't know how good that made me feel, Kurosawa. Like they were lookin' out for me, like they actually cared and shit, ya'know?"
"W-what's so funny?"
"I am. I'm hilarious, 'cause I bought their whole fuckin' act like an idiot."
Minamo blinked in surprise, her friend's words coming out so dryly now, not a touch of emotion to them. "Act...? What happened?"
"I found out, after we all graduated, that they never showed my stories to anyone in the club. Not a damn one. Ya' know why? 'cause they didn't want me in to begin with. I'm just a stupid loudmouth dumbass to them. Who wants someone like that around? They were puttin' me on the whole time."
"What...? But...how did you find out? Did someone tell you that?"
"One of the leaders did, before we started college. Was kind of a chance meetin', and she said they never saw anythin' of mine. But she knew who I was, though, 'cause those guys kept tellin' 'em about this one stupid girl to avoid, if she ever asked about joinin'. Yeah, guess who they were talkin' about?"
Minamo frowned, looking down at her friend with pity. "I think I get the picture. But...they were being nice to you still anyways? I mean...if they didn't want you in, then, it sounds like they didn't like you to begin with..."
Yukari winced, her body quite visibly tensing up with anger, the woman doing her best to control herself. "Story of my fuckin' life."
"Hey..."
"They didn't like me. They just liked the stuff I wrote."
"What you wrote?"
"This was what I was tryna' tell ya' last time..." She took a moment to calm down again, her ire bubbling to the surface of her persona. "You know why they kept on bein' nice to me, and kept lookin' at my stuff for me? 'cause they liked it. In fact, they liked it so much that they took my damn endings and shit and put 'em in their own stuff."
"What?"
"That club leader clued me in. I was tellin' her about some of the stuff I wrote, and she said it sounded familiar. Then she remembered those other girls, and how they won some contests or whatever. Yeah, guess how they did it." Yukari pointed a thumb at herself. "Just pasted my shit in there pretty much, 'cause their own writin' was shit I figured."
Minamo's jaw dropped. "Oh my gosh...are you serious? Yukari...did you tell anyone then? That they stole your ideas?"
"I told that girl I was talkin' to, but she didn't believe me. I mean, why should she? I never had a good rep with anyone. And all I had was just some old notebook with the same stories, and that don't mean shit. That's not proof to get me anywhere." Her voice picked up in cadence. "They were never my damn friends. Most people weren't. Everyone just fuckin' put up with me or got somethin' outta me, then just bulls-"
She put a hand on her friend's shoulder. "Hey, hey, settle down. Don't get worked up...you're starting to yell now."
The woman obeyed her easily enough, a few more exhalations of fury escaping from her until she lay still again.
Minamo breathed out a sigh of relief, some people that had passed by them having looked over to see what the commotion was about. "...I'm sorry, Yukari. I had no idea of any of that ever happening to you. I wouldn't...I wouldn't have ever called them if I had known any of that..."
"...yeah, I know."
She shook her head sadly. "You know...I should have figured something had gone on between you guys. I've talked to them a few times over the years, but, now that I think about it, they never really asked about you at all, and I was always under the impression that you guys were all friends as well." She sighed. "And you never mentioned them either...I'm so stupid. I'm sorry. I really should have checked into this."
"Nah...it's not your fault at all."
"...Yukari...can I just ask you...just give me a simple answer, because you always avoided this topic whenever I talked to you about it. Are they the reason why you stopped writing after we graduated?"
Her friend didn't respond, Yukari wrapping her arms around her knees, clasping her hands together as she rocked to and fro on her back.
"...it is, isn't?"
The woman remained quiet, her brow furrowed heavily, and Minamo saw that she was thinking quite hard about something now.
"Hey..."
"Just reminds me of school too much. I hated it. Just a lot of shitty memories fer' me."
"...what do you mean? Do you mean...when you tried to write...?"
No answer again, but her friend's face easily displayed the storm of thoughts that were thundering inside of her head now.
Minamo sighed. So that's it...poor thing. "Yukari...I know that you didn't exactly have the best time in school. But...look, don't get angry at what I'm about to say, ok? I'm only telling you this because I think you need to make sure that you're looking at reality here first. You have to be a little bit honest...that sometimes, you yourself did some pretty mean things to the other kids. Right?"
Yukari frowned, ceasing her rocking motions. "...I guess."
"Ok. So...some of those people were just naturally afraid of you. You can't be mad at them for feeling like that. Those kids that avoided you, or didn't want you around...I think you can understand why."
The woman didn't speak, just looking sour now.
"...however, I know a lot of them weren't exactly nice to you either. Like how some of our...umm, 'friends' treated you. But...you shouldn't have let those bad times get to you. You still have friends...I'm still here with you, right? And...you really are a good writer." She chuckled. "Good enough that others have wanted to steal from you, yeah?"
Yukari smiled weakly.
Minamo grinned as well. "So...Yukari, despite what happened...I think that you should get back into your hobby, then. I know it must hurt, bu-"
"It doesn't hurt."
"W-what...?"
"It's..." The woman shook her head a few times. "That's not what it is. I...don't like how it feels. Maybe it does hurt. But...that's not the reason. It's..." She looked up to the sky, pointing towards it. "I was thinkin' 'bout this the last hour, when I was just layin' down. And that's when I realized...it's like that."
"What's 'like that'?"
"The sun."
She took a quick glance towards the celestial object in question, its bright rays causing her to squint and look quickly away. "What about it?"
"When ya' look at it. You can't see nothin'. Yer' blind. You just see white."
She looked at the woman awkwardly. "...ok...and?"
"That's how I felt, whenever I tried to write after high school, or just think of anythin' that happened back then...from when I was a kid, when people...whenever I trusted 'em." Disdain entered her voice. "That's what it is. You think you have a fuckin' friend and they turn on you...and it pisses me off...it pisses me off so much. 'cause they never wanted to be around you. I wanted be around them, but...they were just foolin' me...and then I start scarin' myself..."
Minamo's eyes opened wider with surprise, Yukari sounding so sad now. "Scared...? What are you scared of?"
"Me."
"...Yukari. I'm not...I'm not following...sorr-"
"I couldn't see you at all, Minamo."
She was starting to become a little shocked at her friend's shift in attitude now, Yukari looking so worried, caught in a distraught state that was so unnatural for her to be in. "Hey...what's wrong? Yo-"
"When you said their names...all I saw was those liar's faces...just their stupid, ugly fuckin' faces. And then everythin' just turned white. And I just remember yellin'...I thought I was yellin' at them. But it wasn't them, Minamo, 'cause it was you on the couch." She paused, sighing heavily, her head shaking back and forth. "Then I almost did it...I almost fuckin' did it..."
"Did...did wh-"
"I was dead set on beatin' the shit outta' you."
She stared at her friend blankly, the woman's words completely shutting down her train of thought.
Yukari grimaced, a raw pain evident in it. "I don't know why...it just felt like...I was afraid that you were like them for some reason. But I didn't know what was goin' on...I just wanted to hurt someone. I dunno' why I feel like that. I dunno' know what to do when I'm angry. I don't know what the fuck I'm ever doin' when I get mad. And then, I just saw you sittin' there, and...yeah..."
Minamo sat still as could be, not having a clue as to why she was doing so at all, a terrible silence coming between herself and Yukari, neither woman making a sound for the longest of times.
"Am I scarin' you?"
"...why are you...why are you telling me this?"
Yukari sat up slowly, trickles of sand falling down from her hair, and then wrapped her arms around her knees. "'cause..." She paused, mulling something over. " I was thinkin' these last few days, of how much stupid shit you stopped me from doin' back then. Just 'cause you told me not to..." She shook her head. "I dunno'. It was like the other day. When I heard you gettin' scared...I remembered where I was. And I was thinkin' bout why that happened."
"Why what...?"
"Why I didn't hit you."
She stared at her again, not making a peep.
Yukari put her chin on her knees. "Yer' the only person whose always been honest with me, Kurosawa. So...I dunno'...I wanna' do the same fer' you, too. Just whatever I'm feelin'...I wanna' tell you, 'cause I wanna' trust you back." She shrugged. "I know I never been a fuckin' angel to you or nothin'...but I never wanna' do somethin' like that to you. That's why I'm tellin' you about this, 'cause I don't wanna' hide anythin' from you. I don't...I don't wanna' fuck up with you, like I did with other people...'cause you're the only one I ever really hear when I lose it."
"...you trust me, huh?"
The woman looked at her with caution, Minamo's words coming out a bit rushed. "Yeah..."
"Then...you don't have to say anything like that. You don't have to, ok? I know you get mad sometimes. You don't have to explain it to me. If you really trust me, then you'll know I'll understand anyways."
"...uh...are you ok?"
Minamo nodded hurriedly, just vaguely aware of the anxiety in her words now, speaking as if she we were forcing them out. "I'm fine. Look, I'm glad you talked to me about this. I think we just need to forget about what happened now, though. You need to forget that stuff in the past as well. So, let's just forgive and forget, and move on. Yeah? Ok?"
"Uh..." Yukari tilted her head with suspicion. "Alright...um, thanks fer' listening."
"I always listen to you...but...for now, go check on the girls, ok? They might be almost ready to go."
The woman eyed her strangely, hesitantly getting up as she dusted sand off herself. "...so, what, I shouldn't have told you that?"
Minamo sighed. "It's...look, don't worry about it. I'm glad you're being honest with me. I don't mind...I don't." She looked up at her friend, smiling. "Just promise me that you won't get angry like that again, ok? I don't like seeing you like that, because that's not how I like to think of you. And don't worry about how people treated you back then...you're grown up now, so you shouldn't let that all get to you. You have a job and everything now, so just don't worry about anything, because none that past stuff matters now."
It took a moment, but a sense of relief coursed visibly through out Yukari's body. "Yeah...ok." She turned around, starting to walk off as she waved. "Gonna' stretch the ol' legs a bit, then I'll head up there. Thanks, Nyamo."
She didn't respond, her friend out of ear shot now as she just watched her slowly move along the beach, the grin that she had put on for her quickly becoming weighted.
'...trust you...'
Her teeth ground together.
Why'd you have to say something like that? You've never said that before...why? I don't...
She hugged her knees tightly, feeling a chill overtake her, despite the heat that fell from above.
I don't want to hear it...
It was a strange feeling that Minamo was experiencing now, a cocktail of emotions. A part of her, having heard those words from her best friend, had become absolutely delighted, latching on to them like a child that had grabbed the hand of its parent, becoming ecstatic by just feeling their unyielding adoration.
But that sense of glee, that happiness of hearing Yukari show her faith in her, had lasted for only a moment, its entirety having now plunged headfirst into a dark, bottomless well of guilt.