Part I
Chapter 28
...how do I answer that question...?
Why am I such a nice person? I don't know...
Am I?
Everyone always says that I am.
But...I never really thought of myself that way.
Sometimes I'm like that, I guess. I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I never want to.
But, sometimes...
Sometimes I'm just too afraid to say anything.
So I just let people hurt me.
Minamo stared down at her phone as it lay upon the floor, the dying light from outside of the apartment window streaking across it.
Even if you're mad...just...a text...something...I don't care...
She knelt down, glancing at the indicators on the screen.
...damn it!
No missed calls, no new messages.
With a despaired grunt, she threw herself onto the couch, the palms of her hands now continuously smacking against her forehead.
I'm such an idiot...just a stupid coward...
She froze, catching herself.
...it's ok. It's ok. Everything will be fine. Just be patient. She'll reply. She will. Just pass the time for now. That's what you need to do. Just pass the time...
Her fingers fumbled around the couch cushions.
Where is it...ah.
She pulled out the remote from where two of the cushions converged, bringing the television to life with it.
What's on...what's on...?
The last channel that she had been watching, a news one, was the first to pop up on the screen. A local election was coming soon, a few faces of the candidates flying behind the anchorwoman as she gave brief summaries about each one...
And then she disappeared.
That's enough.
The remote was tossed back onto the couch, Minamo diving down on to the carpet, staring at her phone again as she pushed a button on it, waking it.
Maybe I didn't hear it go off? That's always possi-
She pounded a fist on the floor in frustration.
...still nothing. Damn it...damn it...! Maybe she didn't get my message? Should I call and leave another one? But...what if she's mad, and doesn't want to talk? What...what if...
Her body cringed, and she swallowed fearfully.
...what if she hates me now...?
A breath of despair came out from Minamo then, before she began to violently shake her head.
...no, no, no! You've had misunderstandings with her before, right? This is the same thing. Things will be ok. She'll understand. Just wait, just wait. She's cooling off, I bet! Yeah, that's it! That must be it. Anyways...you just need something to pass the time away in the meanwhile...
In another moment she was back on the couch, the television turning on for almost the fiftieth time in the past hour.
But I'm not miserable.
I'm still happy.
Because she's here.
Every single time...she's been here.
Right by me.
And then everything turns out fine...
...because she chases them away.
Even if it's nothing but trouble for her.
She still chases them away.
'...I'm proud of you, Minamo...'
The words jolted through her head, and once again, Minamo felt the wonderful sensation of having her battered ego massaged so thoroughly by her mother. Ms. Kurosawa had applauded her, praised her, verified her daughter for what she had accomplished earlier in the day, the berating that she had suffered now all but forgotten, Minamo having been able to finally return to her parent's life as both a welcome and desired part of it.
And all that it had taken for her to regain that acceptance, to mend the generous relationship that she used to so enjoyably share with her mother, had been the administrating of a simple knife in the back.
Yukari...
The high came to its end, and Minamo shivered as she lay on the couch, the disbelieving face of Yukari now splattered across the walls of her mind. That look, that blank, absent look that her friend had given to her after being told to leave the apartment, after she had so valiantly defended the sanctity of her character, was now completely tearing her apart.
...I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
The pain of her disloyalty reignited in her chest, the dismissal of her best friend still badly scathing her heart after all these hours. Yukari, without even the least bit of resistance, had left quietly upon hearing Minamo's orders, walking out the door with much the same demeanor as someone who was going to take their place in front of a firing squad. No dramatic scene had played out, no fuss at all had been made about the decision, the woman having just stared at her with the emptiest of expressions before she sadly exited the premises, her best friend in the world having just sided with her bitter adversary against her.
Why did I do that? Why didn't I say anything? Why, why, why, why, why...?
Minamo had been terrified. That's all that she could remember. The iron fear that had locked down her compassion, that had made her said what she had, all of it had been set off by that stare, that sickening, inquisitive stare of her mother. Ms. Kurosawa had watched her so closely then, watched them both during that one moment, and Minamo had known, somehow had known, that Yukari had to immediately leave.
She just had to.
She couldn't stay.
Her head began to nod up and down as it lay.
There was no way. That's right, that's right. It had to be done. I already called her and apologized. She'll understand.
A smile then filled Minamo's mind, the image of her mother's perfect, approving smile now reaffirming her decision, the exuberant grin that Ms. Kurosawa had rewarded her daughter with after Yukari had left.
Yukari will be fine. She just doesn't understand. I mean, it's not like the whole world revolves around her, right? So, what's something like this matter? And mom's happy with you again. That's what's really important.
Minamo breathed a sigh of relief.
As long as mom's happy. That's what really matters. Not Yukari. Just mom. And everyone else. As long as everyone else is happy with you, that's what counts, right? So what if one person ju-
'...the kindest damn smile...'
With a tortured whine, Minamo began to pull at her hair, her feet stomping madly into an armrest of the couch.
So you think that I'm a nuisance to her?
Do you really think so?
How can that be?
It's not my fault...
...
But I didn't lie.
She was the one.
She was the liar.
So it's not my fault then, is it?
When she asked me that last year...I was honest with her.
I really was.
Because that's all I know how to be.
She watched the movie alone.
They were both supposed to have enjoyed this tonight, the romantic comedy that Minamo had picked up on her way home. Over some hot pizza, she and Yukari were supposed to have watched it, laughed at it, predicted where the plot went, debated whether the acting was up to par or not, and generally pick apart the movie like they always did whenever they watched one together.
It was supposed to have been like that, in any case.
Now, however, it was just serving as a distraction, just something to pass the time away as Minamo continued to wait for her friend to return her call, the evening slowly turning into night. But, while she had been paying close attention to the film so far, already about an hour into it, she still had absolutely no clue as to what had been going on in it the entire time. She had been watching, but not really. Hearing the characters, but not understanding. The plot, the jokes, the romance, none of it at all had registered to Minamo in even the slightest way, her interest completely numb...
...except towards a few very, very specific parts of it.
Ah...there she is. She was gone for awhile!
The female lead strolled across the screen, a bright young girl in a form-fitting outfit.
...she's so gorgeous. She really is.
Her eyes flickered back and forth quickly, the illuminating light of the television reflecting off of them in the darkened apartment.
They really do choose good looking women for these sort of roles. I'm glad that I picked this one up. She really is something...
Not a single one of these thoughts was made known to her, Minamo's awareness having become shredded from everything that she had went through today. The guard was gone, no part of her psyche was patrolling itself as she watched, as she felt, as she imagined.
...but what is it about her...? I think it's that scarf. It makes her look so...refined. And her face...her skin is so nice. Really, really nice...
For the whole course of the movie so far, Minamo had been in her own little world. Her mother's visit had never happened, the terrible pain that she had felt didn't exist anymore. It was just her, only her, exploring the place that had become open to her more and more often in the past few years, when particular situations, particular feelings, had begun to make their way back into her life.
It was a healing sanctuary, of where her mind and heart had ventured to so briefly at times in the past, since the earliest days of her youth, before they were always pulled away from so abruptly by her terrifying self-condemnation.
...I wonder how her skin would feel...
But, for the moment, that chaperoning guilt was nowhere in sight.
...if I could kiss it?
Minamo thought she felt herself smile.
Well...it doesn't matter. She's nice, but, she's still got absolutely nothing on-
The sound of a musical chime went off from her phone.
...she feels really warm.
That ribbon is so funny. I love her hair.
It's tickling my face.
Ha...I just had a thought.
If I hold on tighter...
...would anyone else notice?
They're looking at us...but...
...
Would...she notice?
I'm already holding on to her...
...
Let's try it...
Minamo checked the message again, making sure that everything looked perfect in her reply.
-Hi Yukari. I'll be over there in the morning like always. I might come a little early. I'm sorry again.-
Satisfied, she sent if off, the two lines that she had typed having taken well over thirty minutes to compose. Edit after edit, she had gone from a paragraph of emotional apologies down to that short sentence, finally deciding to keep things brief until tomorrow morning, when she could talk with her friend face-to-face.
Minamo would go early. An hour earlier than usual, to meet with the woman before their trip to work together. Her plan was to fully address any grievances that Yukari might be carrying still, due to all the difficult events of today, before they would leave her house. The last thing that she wanted was to have anything between them as they sat next to each other at their desks throughout the day, even though the message that Yukari had finally sent to her, after all these hours, had seemed to be free of any lingering resentment.
'-Its all good dont worry about it just get me in the mornig i dont wanna ride my boke-'
It was a short and sloppily done text message, but Minamo knew her friend well enough that any sort of reply from her, when she was presumed to be mad or upset, most likely meant that she actually wasn't. If Yukari were angry, then she wouldn't have sent anything at all in the first place.
But, regardless of that fact, it didn't help to quell the crippling nervousness that had now taken Minamo.
...it'll be just like any other morning. Just...calm down. You've been going there every day for years, so what's the difference?
Her hands gripped her phone a bit tighter.
Geez...why am I getting so jittery now...? It's just Yukari...come on already...
'...smile...'
Minamo bit her lip, completely unable to fathom the massive swarm of butterflies that now filled her stomach.
We're almost to the nurse.
...I don't want to let go.
Just let me keep holding on.
Don't put me down.
Don't...
Everything is so perfect like this.
...
I just want...
...to keep my head on her shoulder.
Just keep it on there...forever...
...and sleep.