Part I
Chapter 30
Just open it already...come on...
Her hand continued to waver upon the door knob, her fingers positioned lightly upon it.
...it's...it's just Yukari. What's the big deal? Just go in already...
Minamo took in another deep breath, gathering her courage, but became disappointed with herself as it all leaked out in a sigh of frustration instead. She had been in front of her friend's bedroom for a few minutes so far, just standing there as sheer hesitation froze her in place, so utterly nervous about entering inside now, to finally be able to see Yukari once again, to talk to her, to try and make sure that there was nothing ill between them after what had occurred yesterday.
...am I just feeling that guilty? Maybe that's it...because of what happened. I mean...is it even right for me to wake her up so early like this, just to clear my conscience?
Her brow furrowed, frustration wracking it.
But...this doesn't feel like guilt. It feels...I feel like...I don't even know. I don't even know what I''m feeling. I'm just...
That particular stream of thought continued to swirl around in her mind, Minamo struggling with the strange emotion that had been trapping her in the upstairs hallway, disallowing her to move, to act. She couldn't fathom as to why, but everything about the Tanizaki house, about Yukari herself, just seemed so forbidden to her now, as if she were somehow trespassing into a place that was, in reality, even more familiar to her than her own apartment.
It was a grim, foreboding feeling, a warning about the room. Something inside of Minamo was urging for her to stay out, to go home, to never return again, to abandon Yukari, to forget about her, to just completely and entirely forget anything that was related to her friend, even in the very least of ways.
Gradually, her will began to succumb its demands.
...why...why am I even here now, so early in the morning? I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have ever been here. Mom...mother...she was right. Why do I still do this? Why do I always come here...come here just to see he-
An answer to those questions suddenly zoomed through her consciousness.
'...smile...'
Minamo's hand tightened around the knob.
...that's why I'm here. Every single time, almost every day. Because...I just have...to know...
Without another thought about it, Minamo finally steeled herself enough to push open the door, ploughing through all the threats that her heart continued to delay her with, and rushed into the room.
Her eyes widened in surprise.
What the...?
Her friend's room was much in its usual state, litter scattered about the floor, clothes overflowing from the dresser drawers, the whole place looking as if a hurricane had just ravaged through mercilessly, leaving the area in a colossal, totalled mess. But while the appearance of everything seemed to be adhering to its owners normally low set of standards, there was still something a bit off about it all, something not quite in its place.
Minamo's head turned from side to side. Where is she?
The bed was empty, the covers overturned sloppily.
She frowned, worry beginning to overtake her. Did she leave already? Maybe...she actually was angry with me still, and didn't want a ride? That...that's pos-
"H-hey...?"
Minamo jumped up in fright, spinning around to see Yukari standing right there behind her, the woman already dressed in one of her school outfits, a towel covering her damp hair. "Y-Yukari! I...I thought you left already...!"
Her friend looked at her strangely, rubbing the towel on her head. "No...I just took a shower." She glanced at the clock on one of her cabinets. "You're here early."
She opened her mouth to reply, to express her surprise in seeing Yukari actually prepared to go to work for once, so early in the morning even, but something about finally being face-to-face with the woman caused her to fidget around in silence instead.
...what is wrong with me? It's just Yukari...come on...
"...you ok? You look kinda' sick."
Minamo regained her focus. "M-me? No, I'm fine...I'm fine. Y-yeah...I'm...here early..."
"Yeah...yeah...umm...did you eat already?"
She hesitated with her response, something about Yukari's demeanor and speech throwing her off now, this subdued tone to it all. "Eat? Oh...y-yeah! Some...toast...and juice."
"Oh. Umm...you want some ramen, anyway? I got some leftovers that I was gonna' warm up. If you want, I mean..."
'If you want'? "...ah...for breakfast? Umm...s-sure..."
Her friend smiled kindly. "Ok, cool. Come on, then." She turned around, taking a few steps down the hallway before descending the stairs.
Minamo just stood there in the bedroom, gazing after her friend with an immensely confused look.
...Yukari?
It struck her mind with full force then, of how polite and reserved her friend had just been acting. None of that usual eccentrcity, that madness, was about Yukari, the woman having acted so unnaturally cordial towards her, the invitation for breakfast itself almost making Minamo feel as if she were dealing with some sort of impostor.
She's being so...nice? Is she just being indifferent towards me now? I can't...I can't tell at all...
Minamo shook her head, freeing herself of the confusion, happy that Yukari wasn't at least outright indignant with her because of yesterday's events. And so, after once more pushing down the apprehension that furiously commanded her to leave the house, she followed the woman downstairs.
Yukari was already in the kitchen, taking her leftovers out of the fridge as she prepared to warm them up. "Go ahead and sit down. I'll bring it to you."
Again, the woman's voice was subtle and polite, totally bewildering Minamo as she struggled to believe that this kind person actually was Yukari Tanizaki. "Um...ok..." She pulled up a chair, sitting down at the kitchen table for the second time this morning.
The low hum of a microwave filled the air, Yukari fetching some disposable chopsticks in the meanwhile. "Want some coffee, too?"
Minamo spent an enormous amount of effort in order to keep the sheer astonishment from off her face. "You...you make coffee?"
"I've seen my mom do it...I'll figure it out."
The woman went about the area of the kitchen, getting some mugs, some water, other necessary items, and, after displaying some obvious difficulty with the coffeemaker, soon brought both the drinks and bowls of warm ramen to the table. "Here ya' go."
Minamo looked down at the steaming noodles, the piping hot mug, with nothing short of amazement. "Thanks...thanks, Yukari..."
Her friend gave another polite smile, and then went about consuming her meal.
For the next few minutes, neither woman spoke, Minamo herself just simply having no idea as to how to begin any sort of conversation with Yukari, completely dumbfounded by the genial behavior on her part. She had come in this morning expecting some degree of a difficult situation with her friend, had expected her to be irritated, upset somehow, like her father had described her, just basically at odds with her, given what Minamo had made previously made her go through.
But so far, nothing of the sort had taken place, the exact opposite of her expectations having played out instead, now coming to a point in which Minamo was even beginning to become slightly perturbed by it all.
She placed a hand on her coffee mug, watching the steam slowly rise from it.
...I don't think I've ever seen her act like this. She's so...proper? I can't even describe it. It's like she's trying to behave, or-
"H-hey, Minamo."
Her head looked up to her friend, Yukari just stirring her ramen around with her chopsticks, her voice so surprisingly meek. "...yes?"
"...are...you and your mom ok now? 'cause...you looked pretty down yesterday..."
The entire ordeal that she had suffered through abruptly blazed through her mind, causing Minamo to cringe. "Down...? Oh...oh...um...right..." She took a deep breath, not quite yet ready to discuss the whole issue with her friend. "Yeah...yeah...we're ok. She...we're on decent terms now..."
Yukari frowned slightly for some odd reason, a subtle despondency in her voice now. "Ah, cool, cool. Glad you got whatever worked out with her, then." She began to pick up noodles out of the soup, letting them fall back down into the bowl, repeating the same action over and over. "Umm...can I ask why she was there? If it's ok, I mean. You don't gotta' if you don't wanna'..."
Minamo was barely able to suppress her surprise again, Yukari's timid speech, her humble requests, all of it such a completely foreign experience to her. "Of course it's ok. We..." She sighed, beginning to feel that skirting around the conversation any further, the one that she had been so anxious about initiating this morning, would just continue to make things between them that much more awkward. "Yukari...I didn't invite her there, if that's what you're thinking. She just came there out of the blue to talk to me. You know...you know what she does. And then you came..." She placed a hand on her forehead, propping the arm on the table as it supported her leaning head. "It was a big mess. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for everything that happened yesterday, and for all the stuff that my mom said about you-"
"Nah, it's ok. She was right, anyways."
"...right about what...?"
The woman continued to play around with her breakfast, her voice barely audible. "I just get in the way."
Minamo looked at her strangely. "Yukari...wh-" Something suddenly dawned upon her, a possible reason for her friend's peculiar behavior this morning. "Wait...Yukari, are you actually taking what my mom said seriously...?"
Yukari didn't respond for a few moments, soon biting her lip as she lowered her head, strands of hair covering her face now. "Don't get rid of me again, Minamo. I'll get better. I swear I will."
Minamo could only blankly stare at her.
What...what the hell is she talking about? 'Get rid of me-'
A small, almost unnoticeable gasp escaped from her.
Wait...she...she doesn't mean...?
Those two words that she had spoken to her friend yesterday, at that terrible moment when she had ordered her to leave the apartment, screamed inside of her mind.
...is that what she thought I did?
Yukari continued on, her voice so thin and hollow. "I was doin' a lot of thinkin' yesterday...I won't be a pest anymore, Minamo. I promise. I'll get up on time every day too. Like today. And I won't bug you for money any more. I'll...I'll start payin' my share and stuff. And I won't drink unless it's ok. If it's ok with you, I mean. And...I won't piss you off or anyone with the stupid shit I do, 'cause I won't do it no more...'cause I won't do it." She looked up, staring dead on at her. "...and I won't be annoyin' anymore either. You don't gotta' worry about that. I freakin' swear...I'll do whatever..."
...now I get it.
She took in every part of Yukari that she had just felt through her senses, her weak voice, her jittery, nervous demeanor, and most of all...
I remember. I remember now. That face...
Her heart began to soar.
...those eyes...
She had seen them like this just once before in her life, the way that Yukari's eyes were now, and Minamo was sure, so sure, that she was the only person on the planet who had done so, who had witnessed this woman give into an emotion that was more than rare for someone of her kind to have, to become dominated by.
Those tired, hopeless brown eyes. They explained everything to Minamo now. Her friend's humbleness, her meek aura, her polite, warming reception of her this morning.
That's what she was feeling. Her dad was wrong...she wasn't upset, she was...
The pounding in her chest increased, her senses firing to life across her body, all of it produced by just simply knowing, just tangibly feeling, what Yukari now was, what she actually had been feeling since being sent home yesterday, of what she must have suffered with all night.
For the second time that Minamo had ever seen her be in her life, Yukari was scared.
"Are you serious?"
Minamo smiled back at her kindly, a little flustered. "Yeah...yeah, I'm serious. That's what my coach was telling me... "
"Man..." Yukari took a long slurp from the soda in her hand, setting it back onto the table. "Guess I'm not surprised. You always beat the shit outta' everyone at those meets. So, she puts you on this team, and if you do good, then what?"
She become abashed as she prepared to talk about herself, looking off to the side now, the fast food restaurant that they were in beginning to fill up as dinner time approached.. "Well...you just sort of keep going, to other regional meets. Then, you know..." She rubbed her hands together nervously under the table. "Then...you might get to go to the big one, where they select people to represent the country, and, well, you know..."
"So I might see your dumb face on the tube someday, huh?"
Minamo chuckled, no offense taken from the jab. "Y-yeah...maybe..."
Yukari shrugged. "Well, that's pretty good for you, Nyamo." She gave her a thumbs up and wink. "If you win some olympic gold or whatever someday, then you're gonna' take your ol' coach out here for a million damn buffets with all the prize money!"
She laughed again. "I don't know if you get money for those sorts of competitions..."
"Eh? Really? Well, hey, we could sell the medal then! It's real gold, right? We'll melt that shit right down."
"I think I would want to keep it, Yukari..."
"Ah, ya? Bummer." She threw her weight into the table, leaning forward against it. "So, yeah, I bet your stupid mom must be goin' nuts about all this stuff."
Minamo brought her stare down. "Yeah...she's happy..."
"Yeah, figures. Only time that damn gorilla is happy is when she can brag about somethin'."
"Hey...come on, now. Don't talk about her like that..."
Yukari blew out a breath of frustration. "Geez...why you always protectin' her so much? All she does is give you shit all the time."
She sighed. "...she just wants me to make the most out of myself. That's all..."
"Bah." Yukari waved a hand around with annoyance. "She just wants to make you as anal as she is."
"...just leave it alone, please."
The girl stared at her curiously, rolling her eyes after a moment. "Man, you're always so hung up on her." Yukari shrugged as she leaned back again, looking out the restaurant window that was next to their booth. "I mean, yeah, ok, even I know that lady's got her shit together, but, still...I don't get you. You gotta' be who you are, Nyamo, not just who she wants you to be."
Minamo looked out the window as well, not responding.
Yukari glanced back at her friend, noticing something off about her demeanor, and then smiled sheepishly. "Ok, ok, I'll drop it. Sorry, sorry."
"...no, it's fine. Don't worry about it..."
"...hmm...somethin' buggin' you? You sound kinda' down now."
She took her time in answering, just watching the passing crowds outside. "...there's something that I wanted to talk to you about today, actually."
"Huh? About what?"
A small, burning sensation began to fire up inside of her chest. "Yukari...you know...the college that we were planning to go to? You know how they don't have a good swim program?"
Yukari crooked her head. "Yeah. So?"
"Well...if I keep on going like this, you know, doing these meets...having an environment with some kind of real development program is kind of necessary. You know, just a good team to be on and practice with, with good coaches and stuff..."
Her friend shrugged. "So? Just go to one of the other universities around here. You put down more than one choice, right? I'm sure one of 'em's got a better swimmin' club than the one we picked out."
"...I did find one, actually. It's...a good one, a really good one, for sports anyways. Actually...a few days ago, they invited me to go there. I guess they scouted me out and, umm, they said I don't have to take the entrance exam. I guess they're pretty keen on having me..." She turned a little red.
"Shit! No way!" Yukari threw up her arms with anger. "You don't gotta' take any stupid tests? That's bogus!"
Minamo smiled. "That's just how it is. They...well...they think that I'll go pretty far...I'm not trying to brag, just, that's what they said, so, they'll give me acceptance like that..." She frowned. "...and my mom is...really pushing for me to sign up, too, because...well...it's kind of...a once-in-a-lifetime thing, I guess..."
"Yeah? Oh, well, not a big deal. Probably better for you to go somewhere with no test, with your brains anyways." Yukari laughed. "So, that why you took me out here, to tell me that you're goin' to a different college? Eh, it's no problem. We can still hang out all the time...oh, damn, hey! What if you got your own place? Maybe if my folks will spring for it, then I'll live with ya'!"
Her words came out slowly. "Yukari...I'd have to move if I went to the university that invited me."
The girl became confused. "Yeah...and? Sooner you get away from your stupid mom, the better."
"...I mean move out of town, Yukari."
"Ok, so? An-...wait. What?"
Minamo leaned against the wall as she continued to watch the world outside, suddenly quite tired. "It's a university in the east, Yukari, so...I'd have to move way out there. But...they're really...really top notch, and they've sent a lot of their women to the nationals before, and...well...beyond that, too. My mom has already talked to them, but-"
"You're gonna' leave?"
She looked back to her friend in alarm, Yukari's voice having become so suddenly troubled, her entire demeanour abruptly shifting along with it, her body language jagged and edgy.
"So..." The girl grabbed an empty burger wrapper upon the table, crinkling it nervously. "You're gonna'...be outta' here...? That what you're tellin' me?"
"...Yukari, wait a second. Just-"
"It's ok. I get it." A weak smile spread across the girl's face. "That's what you really called me out here for, huh? To tell me that you're goin' after graduation...?"
Minamo sighed deeply. "Yukari...please...wait..."
"Well...well...that's cool. You gotta' do...what you wanna' do, yeah?" Her words began to rush out from her mouth, anxiousness accelerating them. "Yeah...that's right. Don't...don't worry about me. It's good you told me about it. Now. I mean. And...and not later...so...yeah...don't worry about it. You wanted to make sure I'm ok with it, huh? Yeah. I am. Don't worry..."
Minamo could only gawk stupidly at her as she went on, the teenager across from her having just morphed into a complete stranger, this meek, demure mess that she couldn't at all recognize, that wasn't displaying any sort of behavior that the rowdy Yukari Tanizaki could normally possess.
But, yet, there she was, the girl looking so perturbed now, so sullen, the transformation having occurred in an instant, and all because...
"...you don't really need me around, anyway..."
The odd feeling inside of her chest, that had begun to spark to life a few minutes ago, suddenly flared up, gaining heat as it burned away, Minamo's thoughts now fully engaged with the situation that was before her, of the face that was before her, the expression of it, the tortured twist of it, the eyes of it...
Her eyes.
They gave it all away.
They opened her up, opened up this usually prideful, maniacal individual, who never showed her real emotions to anyone, who always tried so hard to hide them, to pretend that they didn't exist at all.
And yet, in this exceptional circumstance, those frightened eyes of Yukari fully betrayed all of her past work, and they let Minamo connect.
"...well, that's all you wanted to tell me, yeah? Ok. I...gotta' get...get goin' no-"
The girl abruptly silenced herself, staring down at her hand, Minamo now holding it with both her own, after she had reached across the table for it.
"Listen. Just listen to me, Yukari. I didn't come here to tell you that I was going away. I..."
She shivered, this strange, delightful ecstasy now embracing her, encouraging her.
"...I...I wanted to talk to you...about a problem. I don't...I don't know what to do..."
Yukari looked at her strangely. "...what? About what...?"
"Yukari..."
Minamo gripped the girl's hand tightly, and for some reason, some deep, special reason, she found that she never wanted to let go of it.
"My problem...is that I don't know what to do, Yukari...when I tell my mom that I want to stay here..."
"W-what?"
"I said I'll never get rid of you."
Yukari looked down at her hand, her friend enveloping them with hers.
Minamo's voice began to fail her, her heart continuing to relentlessly pound away, her breaths coming out with increasing pace. "Why would you ever...ever think...such a stupid thought...?"
The woman looked back up to her, completely shocked at the sudden, sharp shift in her friend's emotional state.
"I'm sorry that I said that to you yesterday. I didn't want you gone. I was scared. I'd never listen to my mother, to just get rid of you like that. None of what she said about you is true. You never get in my way. You didn't get in my way. You made me so, so happy with what you said to her. You don't believe it...you don't even believe it. And...I had to say that to you, Yukari, because...because..." She felt her face contort with grief." ...because I'm just a coward, Yukari. Just a stupid, stupid coward..."
"H-hey...hey!" Yukari quickly got up, rounding the table to stand by her, as soon as the first tear had rolled down her friend's face. "Whoa, whoa! Stop! Don't...what...what are you talkin' about...?"
The weight of everything then came down upon Minamo in a flurry, consisting of all the pain that she had endured for fourteen long years, the immense agony of her loveless life, the brutal torture of knowing that the remedy for all of it, that the wonderful, perfect panacea that she had always so desperately sought for her troubles, was constantly, temptingly, in her presence.
...and I can't...because...
She dropped her head down into folded arms upon the table.
...because...because I'm a coward...
And then everything came out.
"Minamo! Hey!" Yukari put her hands on her shoulders, holding her friend as she began to sob heavily. "Whoa! Whoa...Minamo! Hey! What...what the hell...?"
This can't be real. It can't be. Is this...is this really what it feels like? But...that's not me. It can't be...the real me...just because...she liked my smile...
"Hey! Tell me what's wrong! Did...did I say somethin' wrong...? Minamo? Hey! Hey!"
...why? Why is this coming back into my life now? That was...that was just a phase. Just a phase...when I was young...how I felt about her...how I...how I still feel...it keeps coming back...just keeps coming back. Why? Why...? It can't possibly mean...
Yukari tried to lift her up, but Minamo refused to budge, ferociously sticking herself to the table, not daring, not daring at all, to see her friend's face, something inside of her telling her, shrieking at her, to not do so under any circumstance.
But I can't. I can't be like that. There's no way...no way at all. Everyone...everyone would know. I couldn't deal with that...not then...not now...not ever...
Her cries grew in magnitude, Yukari still trying her absolute best to console her, the woman completely baffled by the actions of her fellow teacher, saying anything, everything that she possibly could, to somehow alleviate the situation, none of it having the least bit of effect.
And...if I told her...if I ever told Yukari...
No.
I could never.
Not after I lied.
Straight to her.
About...
...about...
...how I fell...
...in love with her.
How I loved her...
...and...
...and then...
...also..
...
...her.
A sharp, painful bellow emanated from Minamo then, her awareness beginning to fade, the only sound that she could hear now being that of her own ragged lamentations.
It would be over.
All over.
So...
I'll just have to forget.
Again.
I'll just have to forget everything.
Just forget everything.
Like back then.
Just forget.
Forget...
Why?
Because I have to, obviously.
Because.
My life...
It'd be over.
Even though...
Even...though...
...it's my life.
My life.
My...life...
...my...life...
...my...